Taking control

I realize in the span of our own lives there is so little we have actual control over so it shouldn't surprise me that when you give a person an inch to have some control they run with it like a squirrel storing food for the winter. Give them an inch and almost always, they take a mile.

People never cease to amaze me. They always want more, different...they want the world to revolve around them and the minute they get it they kinda go a little bonkers. I'm of course including myself in that mess - we really are quite complicated individuals!

I've always said I hate being alone, I hate having time alone, by myself and so I do things to be sure that doesn't happen but after a few weeks of running at warp speed I get exhausted and cranky and wonder why I don't have any control over my life. I do whatever I can to keep moving, to keep being out there because that seems to matter...it makes me feel like I matter so I run, I run at warp speed until I hit the proverbial wall.

One of my pet peeves is when people say YES to something only to cancel at the last minute or not even show up and yet I've been doing that lately for a few reasons:

• I'm over committing my time - I apparently can't say YES to everything
• I have no real control over my time like I used to, work is kind of my master right now
• Frankly I'm kind of exhausted

I always joke about the fact that I want/need someone to take care of me for a while but really, that's not the answer. The answer is balance, which I am pretty bad at. I need to find a way to balance all the chatter in my head and heart screaming at me that it hates being alone and home and balance that with all the things I've said yes to....things I enjoy, people I enjoy spending time with, and hopefully someone new and important to spend my time with. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I keep pushing myself thinking I'll get to that next point, that next place and I'm wondering if that place doesn't really exist anywhere except in fairy tales or in my own messed up mind.

We all have those moments that someone says something or something happens that makes us go Whoa...wait...what!? That's not me. I call those a "brick in the windshield" moment. It sometimes takes a brick in the windshield to make us stop and take pause....to look at our own self in the same way others are seeing us. Sometimes it hurts....because we have our own walls of denial and security we have built up around us and suddenly we have to see ourselves in a new light and sometimes its a brick in the windshield moment.

Life is nothing if it's not constantly a learning experience. All we can do is try...to keep moving we need to take control of our own lives, thoughts and time and just do the best we can. After all, we are only here for a short time, why not enjoy the ride?

What is perfect

We all strive to be the best we can be, to be the shining star - to be perfect. We try hard in school, at work, in life and we want others to see us and think of us a perfect but the reality is we all have our flaws.

I admit I get caught in my own little bubble of imperfections. I look at myself and I only see what is wrong with me, what I need to change and if your lucky (I sure am!) you get lots of other people around you who are always willing to tell you what you need to change about yourself too.
Today I kinda got sidetracked....I've been at work since very early, so I was in before the cafeteria opens - usually I am one of the first through so I almost never have to see people or even fight them to get my coffee, but there are the few times I'm off schedule and I have to deal. Today, although I wasn't off schedule, I had to deal...I never like having to deal in the morning...but I did.

Along the way I encountered some of the regular morning people I see and some new faces, there is apparently a "school" in today. Three different people stopped me to tell me I had - and I quote "perfect hair". PERFECT HAIR! I'll admit, the first time I was like....have some coffee...your still sleeping lady but the second time I kinda paused and said "really" - "seriously". It kinda added a little pep in my step. Then the third time I was like...."wow...I am soooo rocking this Wednesday!" ha ha. I don't really think my hair, or frankly anything about me is perfect but it's nice to get that little burst of validation without asking for it.

A person could get used to that kind of treatment.

It's a ride not a fight

Everyday we get up, we try to start our day with the best intentions. I always think "today is the day everything is going to change". Then I get out into the world and I feel small and insignificant and I have no power to change anything. I just sort of react, exist, manage everything around me. Feels like everything I attempt is a fight, an uphill climb. Isn't it strange how the littlest things can really change who we are?

It's exhausting to always wish you were someone else. I wonder if we ever settle into the fact that we are who we are and we have the life we have and it's OK. The point of life, of living is to grow and want more....but there is probably a difference between wanting more and needing more. It seems acceptable to want more from life but if we spend all our time and energy NEEDING more then it makes you wonder....what's missing?

Do we ever get those missing pieces of ourselves? If we keep looking, keep searching keep trying to get that missing piece, do we ever really ever feel complete? Do we ever get that piece of the puzzle and feel really content with what we have and where we are?

Developing as a person doesn't really mean you have to become someone completely different but it's more about personal development. Growing as a person forces us to build upon the foundation that we already have. Some days it feels a little harder than others, but it helps to have goals or to see the bigger picture. We can easily accept where we are starting from but it's where we want to end up that can totally muddle things up.

It's like walking in between sunset and sunrise. We get so tied up in our day, our own lives that we lose sight of where we are trying to go....walking in between. It's time to choose a path, to stop stumbling through life. It's time to let things go, to stop waiting. It's time to start moving in some direction again. I miss who I was before. I have been living this year in a pause mode, I guess technically it's not really living if your paused. This year feels like there was lots of pausing, waiting, and looking for the rewind button. I think it's time to change that remote and just get going.

Time to put my oars back in the water and begin rowing again - after all, it should be a ride, not a fight.

All we are is what we are

It seems like life moves at warp speed. We grow up always trying to be someone. Trying to be something more than what we are. We practice to be better at music or sports or whatever, but really all we are is what we are.

Each day is a start again to try it all over. All we can do is the best we can. We waste hours, days, weeks focusing on trying to be more, to be better, to be something more than we are, trading hours for something new because we think we don't have enough just as we are. Wasted time.

In the end how much of it really matters because as much as we want it to, nothing really stays the same. Life is about constant changing, most of it not within our control. All we are is what we are.

It seems that just as we get settled and content in life a change occurs. A partner leaves, your job changes, friends leave, divorce happens....something comes in to change it. It's not always bad or negative, it just is.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you and you don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change.

It's about learning to keep our oars in the water....to keep moving no matter what's happening. I recently left my part time job at my apartment complex and things were really good there for a long time and when things changed to the point that it was no longer a FUN place to work I had to walk away. It was like tearing off a band-aide off a wound that is not yet healed. It's hard for me to walk away from the past....maybe it’s because I’m crazy, maybe it’s because I can’t honestly figure out what I want? It’s not enough to just stand still and wait for things to happen, you have to go after them. You have to keep moving, keep growing, keep changing, keep looking for that next adventure, friend – life experience to keep you rowing in some direction.

Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming.

Getting Lost to Be Found

"The only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!

So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun."

So it's like you have to be at the bottom to reach the top. It's like you have to give up all hope, all thought, all anything to get what you want?

Seems counter productive to the whole process of perseverance doesn't it? I am often confused by the messages the Universe sends my way. Why does it send you people, or moments or put you in place to have these moments that suddenly turn into "ah ha" moments or "light bulb" moments for you and then take it all away from you? What exactly is the lesson there?

I have been thinking a lot about all the stuff we accumulate over a lifetime...not just the mental and emotional baggage we tend to save, but all the actual, physical stuff we accumulate. Clothes, possessions, furniture, tables, lamps.....stuff. I looked around my house this weekend and realized I have accumulated so much stuff that I don't need yet I don't feel like I am ready to just get rid of it all.

Part of me is really, really tempted to empty out my life, to discard all that I have worked hard to collect. I feel like I worked hard to create a life, a space for my life but yet nothing seems to fit here. Like I collected all this stuff hoping somehow my life would blossom into something bigger, something to fit my space and yet it hasn't, it remains empty and quiet and for as much stuff as I have squashed into my space, it feels bare. A house is only a house...a place to store stuff. I have some weird attachment to my "stuff" but suddenly, it's like I'm seeing things for the first time and I don't want this stuff anymore, I don't want this baggage, or this life that it seems to be crying out for but will never happen.

It seems like we spend all this time and energy creating a life, a space, a home and really, it doesn't matter all that much. That old saying....it doesn't matter what kind of car you drove, how much money you had, all that matters is that you were important in the life of someone.

So it begs the question.....are you important in the life of someone?

What we really want

I wonder if we ever get to a point in our life where we no longer want. We no longer wish for the good old days back, we accept where we are, the path we have chosen and accept that we really have no control or say over life. Do we ever become OK and content with the life we have? Is that what most people would call a "normal" life or is it settling for what we have? When do we give up the fight and just keep living? Why does it feel like we have to have either/or?


I wonder, if we knew then what we know now, would we change anything about our lives or the decisions we made in moment? Would we change what we said, did, wore - wouldn't that change who we are now? Sometimes we learn and grow from the experiences we go through, the heartbreaks, the fun, the things that leave scars on our hearts. If we knew then what we know now would we really choose a different path? Isn't who we are right now based on all we have experienced thus far? I realize there are some really painful things that come upon us and crush our souls from the inside out, but really, it's who we are. Who would we be without that experience?

I think we are all put here for a reason, the more we struggle, search and hunt for that "reason" the more elusive it becomes. It's like a greased pig, every time you think you have your arms around it, it slips out and runs away. I think sometimes you just have to settle into a life, a routine a system and everything will work out like it's suppose to. If we let go and stop fighting it's easier. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen - right?

We spend a good part of our life trying on all these different masks of who we think we are suppose to be. It seems to be an elusive search for the one that is US, the one that is who we are. Cardboard masks of all the people we have been, we end up throwing them away over and over again, continuing to search for the one that fits us.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you are willing to give anything to get it? What are you willing to do for it? I think we have days where we feel like we can change who we are and we begin to move in that direction, we move onto a new path and we push forward and forge into a new direction and unless we are true to who we are it's short-lived, no matter how hard we try to hang on to it. I've learned that you can't control things, you can't hold on to things that really aren't meant to be. In the whole scheme of things, we have very little control over things. We really can manage or control our reaction or feelings to things around us. Sometimes it's overwhelming and it's easier to give up and other days we feel empowered to change the world.

Even if it's our own small little corner of it.

Finding our value

I read somewhere that the path to true happiness is often blocked by our own self. That we are our own worst enemies. It went on to say that we, in a sense, have to lose our mind to be happy. Well if that is true, I should have been happy a long time ago!

I did find out later in the book what the author meant by that. When we were small children we experienced life very differently, that everyday was a new adventure and as we got older we stopped experiencing things in that same way. Our minds started to define and categorize all the experiences and events that happened to us and around us. We learned to be self critcal and judmental of not only ourselves, but those around us. The bottom line was we needed to live life in the "Here and Now" we need to go back to experiencing the world around us on a day to day basis as we did before we got all hardened and jaded by life.

Just like a child's first step out on the lawn, the pointy blades of grass tickle us and it's a new wonderful experience. When was the last time you experienced that sensation? I was talking to a friend last night and we discussed how we don't see things about ourselves that others do. Like the way we go out of our way to give to others, to help, to be kind, to do what we would want someone to do for us...but it seems like normal behavior to us so we don't see it as something bigger than that. We don't see our own value. Does this mean we are missing our purpose? Are we so blinded by our own self that we can't see our purpose?

By finding your purpose in life you find your connection to the bigger picture. To the bubble outside of your own. For me it is by doing random acts of kindness and hoping that those acts of kindness are being paid forward. Finding things that bring you joy and happiness and then doing that for others. Hoping they then find that within themselves and do the same. It's knowing that you have helped someone and brought a little light into their world. Also by getting out in nature and enjoying a nice sunny day will help you appreciate what beauty there is in the world around you. Sometimes just being aware of our own surroundings make us more connected.

All of this doesn't happen over night. It takes a long time and lots of bad choices along the way to guide you to the place that puts you on the right path. It also comes with learning to change your frame of mind from the negative to the positive and seeing things in a different light. That is so easy to write but really, really difficult to do in life. For me especially, I have been spending so much energy focused on what I miss that I have probably missed so many opportunities right in front of me. I've said it before and I will say it again....it's hard to be an adult!

Life is a constantly moving ride. If you don't keep your hands inside at all times you will have a price to pay. Thinking back on life as a kid where all you had to do was learn to tie your shoes, ride a bike or learn to swim, that was easy. Someone did your laundry, made you dinner - well, sometimes, but overall, you were takend care of. You didn't have to think. Life was easy, you rode your bike, played at the park and things like a ride on the see-saw was your biggest stress factor.

The see-saw is a great metaphor for life, it's the constant up-down-up-down movement that really keeps things interesting and in balance. You always had that moment of panic that your end wouldn't rise up when it was time and then all of a sudden, you were up - feet dangling and nothing at that very moment mattered. I guess as adults we can have moments like that, we can give and receive, have boisterous times and quiet times. We can dance ecstatically and then spend some time resting in quiet, calmness. As long as we have a fire in our belly and tears in our eyes we will have that integrated balance that makes us human.

Please keep your arms and legs in at all times and as always, no smoking. Enjoy the ride.