What we don't know

Isn't it funny how smart we think we are? How much we think we know about life, ourselves - everything and then one day WHAM! something happens and we are stunned, surprised because we never saw it coming. It's funny how life works.


We trudge along on this life path expecting and planning things to go a certain way and when they change course on us unexpectedly we are confused by it...at least I am.

I had a plan...I was going to finish school and then I was going to get some great epiphany and somehow I was going to see the light and all of life's answers would finally be mine. I saw that ending, I expected that outcome I knew there was some key to doors I couldn't find until I finished school....only there isn't, there's not.....it's the same....but different.

No light shone the way to my new destiny, no answers magically appeared in my head like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz when he finally got a brain....I can't do anything better or different now that I am a college graduate. I however didn't know what I didn't know until now. Now I know.

I know there is no answer I don't really already know. There is no path I can't see or no door I don't have the ability to open...it's all as it was. What has changed is how I act and react to things. Not that it's any different really but I do feel like I have a broader understanding of things I sort of ignored or by passed before. So maybe that's the bonus I was looking for....a broader, wider based understanding of life and it's little nuances. Maybe doing this as an adult has just helped me expand my thinking outside of my little world (bubble) I was living in.

My biggest concern has been what will I do with my free time.....ha. There are some days I have excessive amounts of it and other times I commit myself to something that really sucks my energy and ultimately my soul dry. I say I can help with something and I get dumped on. Helping is different from taking on the entire process yourself. I work a 10 hr day and sometimes longer if I am working at my part time job as well. Between that and my commute sometimes I am so brain dead by the time I get home I can't think. There are only so many hours in a day I can be expected to be productive. At some point my body, despite my own cry not to, shuts down. I'm old now...this body needs some recoup time. I don't know this until I know it. It comes back to what we don't know.

The Universe has an opinion on this of course:

True, you can't see what you can't see, you can't hear what you can't hear, and you can't feel that you can't feel. But still, you can know that you're not alone, that you're adored, and that absolutely everything will continue to work out for your very best, as it always has. It's built into your DNA -
The Universe

I would love to commit that to my head. To commit to my brain and my heart that it's all going to work out like it's suppose to. That I am not alone, that I am adored and that things are as they are suppose to be. I think if I could drink that kool-aide I would be OK with not worrying about what it is I don't know that I don't know.

If I could know it all would I want to? If I could know how this year would end, how I would feel on December 31st looking back on this year would I want to know...would I want to have that knowledge right now?

Hmm....this year is almost done and I don't know I feel about that.