Time, time and more time

Time flies by in the blink of an eye. Not only does time fly, but things change so very fast. One day you wake up and realize how much has changed, how much has flown by, how very little control we really have in the whole scheme of things.

Seems like days go by in the blink of an eye and suddenly things you are used to, things that feel common or normal or routine all of a sudden feel like work or chores or exhausting. When does the path we are on seem to roll along without a hitch, without potholes? When do we get to throw the top down and enjoy the sun beating on our shoulders while the wind blows our hair?

I was looking through old family photos and it made me start to wonder who were these people that are now just these flat images on a piece of old faded photo paper? What dreams did they have? Did they ever reach them? Were they happy and not just for that minute....did they have the life they wanted, they needed, they craved? Did they have the same thoughts I have? Were they wondering when their time was? Were they lonely? Alone? Fulfilled? Did they have the love they needed in their life?

I realize I fill my time with things that I keep hoping will make me get to that point where I am content and not searching. Feels like I spend alot of my time searching......looking for that point in my journey that I feel settled and connected to where I am suppose to be....how do you know when you are there? I hate this feeling. I blame it on thinking. Thinking always leads to no good.

This time of the year makes me do alot of thinking. My sleep is all out of whack and I spend a lot of time lying in bed not sleeping....that's when my brain runs rampant! It's like I am rethinking my whole life...I spent so much time these last few years trying to become someone else. It's like I had to redefine who I am and I used to feel so sure of who I was and where I was headed and all of a sudden it's like I've lost my way and lost who I am. How do you recapture that? How does one get back who they are?

I know it can't come through anyone else, it has to come from me....but what if I can't do it alone. Do we need that other person to help us find our self? What if that person doesn't exist? What do you do then? How do we find out who we are alone? Do we have to have another person to make our life work? To be on our journey with? Isn't it about the life that we choose? What about where we are at now....what if we open our eyes to where we are right now and choose to keep moving and living this life.....how can that be wrong?

I had such a different vision of where my life would be at this point. As I grew up I remember thinking I can't wait until I get a job....my own house....I'll stay up as late as I want, I'll do what I want to do and I'll go where I want to go and no one will stop me. What happened to that girl? What happened to those dreams...how did I leave them by the roadside?

Best case I guess I haven't turned out like my parents so really I guess it's all moving in the direction it's suppose to. I guess I will be happy in this day.