Why do we want what we can't have?

Too many times we put ourselves last. We tend to validate ourselves through others and mostly it seems, it's not the right people we choose to validate ourselves with. Why do we want validation or attention or to spend time with those who don't really value us or care about us past that moment? Yet we seek it, we crave it, we feel like we "need" it? Okay I realize by saying "we" I mostly mean "me" but you get the idea. I can't be alone in this thought....right?

I spent a lot of time this weekend processing through things. I guess I better change this from a WE to a ME....cause really it is about me...it is MY journey, my thoughts....my feelings.

Anyway, this weekend I spent a fair amount of time thinking. Something, if anyone knows me, is not my favorite thing to do. I don't like it, I am not good at it, and often I tend to over think and make things bigger than they really are. I tried really hard NOT to do that this weekend. I also tend to find things to do to get me out of my house, to not be alone, to not to have to think and I purposely didn't do that at all. I even turned down offers to go out and do things. Yes that's what I said...I said "no thank you".

I thought about where I've gotten to in this year, where I'd like to be when it all ends at the end of December and where I'd like to see the next year head. I didn't plan or make statements, I just thought about it. I declared this the year of "no rules" and I've pretty much lived by that and overall really enjoyed it.

The year started out fun and chaotic and off the normal path for me. I did things early on I've never done before and traveled down roads I never even knew existed to me before and I don't regret one single moment of it. I just don't understand why it all stopped though. Why it has come to a screeching halt and all of a sudden I am floating in space and can't seem to get my feet back on or even near the ground again. It's confusing to me.

I thought about the new people I opened my life up to, that I let in, that I enjoyed spending time with and the new things I let myself do. I don't regret any of it but I am a bit confused as to how I let myself become so ....what's the word.......I don't know- but I somehow let other people become the source of my personal validation. My happiness and my value. I let these people into my heart and life and even though we were both enjoying the time, I somehow knew it was temporary, not permanent. That it was all going to end....and I didn't want it to but knew going into this moment that is was never going to last, it was never going to be anything more that that particular moment in time. I told myself I was fine with that, I was good....but I guess I wasn't. Sometimes we lie loudest to ourselves.

They became the people or person that made me feel - anything. Their attention or time spent with me was all that mattered and when they shifted their focus to the next shiny object, I was left behind. I became the "you'll do girl". The person who, if nothing better is happening, I get a call. If they can't meet up with their new person, I can be the fill in person. If they need a ride to meet their friend, I can be that person and then be dismissed. You'll do and suddenly I wonder why I feel disposable, invisible and of no value. Please...I'm smarter than that...right?

Apparently not. The phone calls stopped, the playful fun texting stopped, the impromptu hey let's go hang out for a few hours stopped - and there I was....left with this open soul no longer fitting into any one's space. I did it to myself, I know this....I can see it but how to you stop that soul sucking feeling that you just don't fit anywhere? That you are the temporary person, the "eh, nothing better is going on so I'll call her" feeling? And when they did call....I'd answer....I'd go....I let myself be that person. Stupid girl.

I guess it's good that it's all come to an end at the same time.....it was a harsh lesson but I guess it's good. I see it.....it sure doesn't help that feeling inside but I know in time it will fade away. I just have to learn to live without that....to learn to live a life I choose, to follow a path I am picking and to keep moving towards something on my own. I know I don't need anyone to travel the path with me but it sure is a lot more fun and adventurous with a partner in crime.

I thought about this all weekend and on one hand it's kind of sad but on the other it's kind of empowering to realize that you don't need anyone else....you only ever need to worry about yourself.

The Universe also agrees....as usual:

The reason others think they need you is because they don't yet fully believe that they already have all that it takes to have all that they want. So they pretend you hold the key. And vice versa.
Tallyho,
The Universe

So I guess I have the key? I have what it takes? I just have to learn to live without them because they clearly can live without me.

I guess it all begins with one step forward. One foot after the other......man thinking sucks.