Hope floats

Lately I've been getting a message from the Universe in various forms, but basically it's telling me to move on...to move past the things I can't control. To let go and move forward. I've been fighting that notion for so long hoping that if I just cling to things a little more I can change them. I can have what I had, I can go back to that magical time of last year and begin again and maybe this time make different choices so things DON'T end. But I can't. The reality is to hard to ignore any longer and clearly the Universe agrees as it's sending me this message in multiple ways.

Hope floats, like a cork that drops into water and quickly rises to the surface, so does hope. As much as we try to squash it, to keep it out, it always surfaces and forces us to face it. To confront it head on and deal with it. We have to find this our for ourselves however, you can accept it until you are ready. The teacher will appear when the student is ready.

Sometimes we make choices in our lives in the spur of the moment that seemed right at the time but come back to us as regret. I tend not to regret, I do miss things though. I miss moments and people and situations but I don't regret. I think we do things and experience moments that work to help create who we are and who we become so I don't often regret things. I might regret something I've said in the spur of a heated moment but I try really hard not to say something I can't live with.

I keep saying life was so different for me last year at this time and I really really was enjoying my life last year and suddenly, come fall, something drastically changed. Was it me? Was it the Universe peeking in to say enough of that, now back to reality or was it simply my soul realizing I was living a false life? How long do we continue to fool ourselves into thinking we are living our life in the way we want to until we finally decide it's not what we really want. We convince ourselves that we want a certain lifestyle and we work like mad to get it and suddenly one day you wake up realizing everything has changed, everything is different and it's not really what you thought it would be. It's not what you imagined and suddenly you are stuck in a life you really don't want. What do to then? Is it really that easy to walk away? How much time do you invest walking down a path you don't want to be on before you stop and find another way?

I find the older I get the less tolerance I have for not living the life I imagine I would have. I have less tolerance for the games and the crap and the silly reasons for not living the life I want. It may change day to day but at least I feel like I am focused on what I want. I recently heard this speaker (Michael Foley) who talked about packing our backpacks with the things we need in life and how heavy it gets when we lug around all the old, past things we can't change. It's time to let that go, it's time to start packing my backpack with only what I need and let go of the past. I know it sounds way easier to do. He also talked about a mantra he uses...Am I OK right now? It's kind of fun....in times of stress and chaos try using this phrase....Am I OK right now? Yes, in this moment I am OK...in 5 minutes maybe not but right now I am OK. It helps you focus on being present in the moment and not focusing on the "what might be" or the "what was".

Am I OK right now? Yes, yes I am.

Hearing the music but refusing to dance

I love this saying " We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance". Reminds me that no matter what, life keeps moving on and we all do things constantly to make fools of ourselves so why not enjoy the ride?

Today is a day that feels like there is hope, hope in what I have, hope in where I am going, just hope. Sometimes just making a decision to do something, or to stop doing something, is half the battle of just doing it. I've been doing so much for so long that I don't really feel invested in that it feels quite amazing to come to the final decision to just stop doing these things and let things be as they will be. Sometimes stopping fighting the battle is the battle.

I have more to say on this but I will have to finish tomorrow...so for now...I will leave it at this.

Selfish vs. Assertive

My thought from the Universe today as I drove in pondering the thought of standing up for what you want in your own life. Of using your big girl voice to say NO or to say THIS IS WHAT I NEED. Funny how sometimes you ask....and the answer appears:

What really matters? What's really important? Why bother? Who cares? What's it all for? You, it's all about you. What you like and dislike. What you want and don't want. What makes you smile and laugh. What makes you learn and grow. Selfish? How else could you shine your light? How else could you possibly hope to lift the world? How else could you be all that we dreamed you might be? Selfish of me - The Universe

There is also this other newsletter I get daily....www.theresarose.net. She had this to say today:

Don't get caught in the trap of judging someone else's choices. They aren't good choices or bad choices, they just ARE. This freedom from judgment will liberate you to have more and be more.

It's funny how a message keeps coming at you and coming at you until you decide to finally absorb what it's trying to say to you. I was at a conference this last weekend and both the Friday and Saturday speakers spoke about packing your backpack (or wheel barrow) with the right things and letting go of the old. I really listened to them...I heard them saying all the things I've been thinking in my head and tried like heck to figure out why I can't let go of the old.

The one speaker talked about carrying around our backpacks filled with all that old stuff we lugg around, how heavy it is, how sore our body gets hauling that around. I began to really think about the stuff I've been keeping in mine and I have to realize and accept that it's the past, it's over, it's not coming back and it's not going to change. All the thinking and dwelling on that old what was stuff is not going to change, it is not going to magically reappear and be perfect and what I need it to be....it's just not. It's a hard realization....and it stinks, but it is what it is.

Then as I was driving into work this morning I realize I am spending an extraordinary amount of energy on things that #1 I have NO control over and #2 that are never going to change. I am not going to wake up one morning and magically have things the way my mind has created them to be. I wonder why we spend so much time and energy fighting for things we don't get to have?

I can't continue to spend energy and time on the relationships in my life that don't give back to me. I know this....it's just the letting go of them that kind of break my heart a little. It's time to focus on ME, on what I need, what I want and stop waiting around and making concessions and changes for someone else. I've pretty much done that my whole life. I keep doing the waiting game, putting myself and my life on the back burner and thus allowing myself to become that person I fight so hard not to become.

It's time I find the things I want to do, the things I want to carry around with me and fill my backpack with those things....those people....those experiences.

I think it's time I become selfish.

Stopping

I wish it were easier to stop doing the things we don't want to do....to stop wanting the things we don't have, to stop being disappointed by things. It would be so much easier if life were more like a light switch...that we could just flip it or turn it off when we wanted. But that isn't the case. We have to deal with everything and everyone as it happens.....sometimes all at the same time.

Vacations are great. They are necessary. It's a time to get away from your normal everyday surroundings and stop focusing on all those things you think you HAVE to do. Like magic all those things that wear us out always seem to be waiting for us when we return. Just sitting there, waiting for us to return and get back into our rhythm and swing of life. Not worries.

I forget how much being around the water, especially the ocean, refreshes me. Despite the fact that I lost my camera in the ocean, I still love it and forget how amazing it feels to walk the shore line letting the waves slap up against my legs. I love the feeling of the sand on your feet, the salty ocean that sticks to your legs and the smell...the smell of the ocean air is something I think those who live there take for granted. I guess it would be like us here taking for granted the quietness of a snowfall. We tend to not see what is right before us until we no longer have it.

Life has felt like quite the whirlwind of activity lately. Kind of feels like I am in a race for something. A new job, a new desk, new friends, old friends, quitting jobs....just so much. Family, friends, social outings....people leaving, babies being born, new choices that take people away from us....so much. Seems like I have been fighting for my place in the sun....being away from my everyday life for several days and firmly planting my feet in the sand really was what I needed to realize that I can stop any one of these things from effecting (or is it affecting??) me in ways I can't control.

Just stop. Stop wanting, stop trying, stop fighting....just stop. Stop expecting, stop being disappointed, stop trying to force myself to fit into anyone else's life. I guess just as I expect others to accept me as I am, I have to learn to do that as well, even if I don't approve of the choices they are making or direction they are choosing to take their lives. I have to be the kind of person that I expect of myself. The older I get the more more I find it hard to not say what I am thinking. My mantra has kind of been if you don't want my opinion, don't ask me because I will give it to you....but the problem is, it's MY opinion....it's not my decision, it's my opinion. I need to stop...I need to step back and let things be.

It's time for me to find my path and not even think about it but just begin walking. It's funny how much the fight wears us out and we don't even notice it until we stop...or try to stop.

Signs

It's funny how you don't notice what you don't notice until you notice it. We are all on a journey. We all are on our own walk through life trudging along, hoping to have a hand to hold along the way, but ultimately we are all on this walk alone. Some days it's easy and fun and we enjoy it and other times a day feels like you are walking in a tar pit and you are slowly being sucked to the bottom.

There comes a time where we all have to decide what path we are going to take, we make a decision, commit to it and begin walking. Sometimes we change paths along the way, and that's ok. Sometimes we come to a point where we know it no longer matters and we stop, turn, and go another direction and sometimes, we keep walking and walking and walking and wondering...is this it? Is this MY path? Where am I going? What am I doing? Why and I here and we need a sign. We need a reason to keep on walking. We NEED it.

It's when we start to look for a sign, we might actually see one. My friend and I were talking about signs and she said if you get a message (sign) 3 times from 3 different parts of your life about something you really should look at it and consider it. It's like the Universe is conspiring to TELL you something, almost like it's SHOUTING to you to pay attention. Sometimes you need to be hit over the head with something before you see it. That might be the case for me.

I am a little bit stubborn. I know for some people that isn't a surprise to hear. I over think things possibly too, I'm willing to admit my low points. But I have been really trying to focus and think outside my own little bubble and see where life might take me and although it's scary, I think I might be willing or ready to move down another path.

I am off to lay on the beach for a week and do some soul searching and thinking and planning. I must really take these signs into account. What do you do when you stop questioning and just start doing?

Waiting to exhale

You know those people, we all have them in our lives, they are constantly moving, going places, doing things, running here and there or taking care of everyone else in their lives but themselves. It's like they can't exhale....they are just on constant move mode. I am often that person.

Waiting to exhale. Waiting until all the days tasks are checked off my mental list and then I can rest. Maybe that explains why I don't rest well. Is everything really ever checked off our lists? Are our lists ever complete? Do we really want them to be?

This week the sudden death of a co-worker has made my mind spin off in ways I often don't allow it to. It's caused even more sleep issues than I normally have. This man was about my age and had a multitude of health problems but it didn't stop him from living his life. As a matter of fact the day he passed, he had been out shopping for household enhancements. He had Twins tickets for a game on Tuesday night and he had plans for his next weekend. Just like anyone of us, we plan, God laughs. It made me really start to think about how do I really want my story to end?

Part of my new job is to do writing for our internal website and this meant I needed to write a story about him. I collected info on his life here and talked to his manager and wrote a story about him. It's odd how you sum up some one's existence in a few short paragraphs and quotes from those who worked directly with him. What is your story? What will people say about you when you are no longer here? What will you be remembered for?

It's always so good until it goes bad and then it makes you wonder...why do we keep waiting? Why do we wait to buy something, or be happy, to see things we have always wanted to see? Before we know it the parties over and we become a few paragraphs on a website and our life becomes a box of memories for someone else. It's a little over whelming to think of it in those terms but really, when we aren't here to assign meaning or memories to physical things what good do they serve for anyone else?

It seems so far away, like that won't happen to us for years and years but really, it could happen tomorrow. We could be gone and not even have a choice. What will we leave behind. What will those who loved us have to hold on to? What mark will we leave behind to show that we were here, that we mattered, that we existed. What do we have to leave behind that says we were something?

If you have to write your own obituary, what would it say? Are you a beloved mother or wife? A cherished friend or lover? Are you a person of substance that leaves someone missing you? What do we have to leave behind?

Why then do we wait? Why does it take a death to make us realize we aren't really living? Why can't we see this now and live? Why do we wait to exhale?

Dry Spell

Sometimes you do all the right things and still nothing happens. Nothing changes. Dry spell.

A dry spell is a period of time when progress comes to a grinding halt. If you're trying to find a new job, it may feel as though no one is hiring and you are stuck. You are likely to feel frustrated and discouraged and it feels like you have two choices - try harder (to no avail) or give up. This is also the time when self-doubt rears its annoying, ugly head.

Self-doubt and I are old friends. We know each other well. We have an ongoing relationship with no end in sight. So how do you deal with a dry spell in your life? Can't really avoid it once you realize it's here. It's like once you acknowledge the "elephant in the room", you can't help but look at it. I know you should be patient, take a deep breath, re-evaluate the situation and understand that despite what appears to be "the end of the road," really is a hidden path that will lead where you most need to go. Yeah, I get that....but it's not that easy to execute. Stupid self-doubt clouding my thinking.

Sometimes a dry spell is simply a challenge to maintain faith. We need to trust that all is happening as it should even when we can't see the results. At other times it might just be the kick in the pants we need to stop, think and let go. Let go of the past, of old habits, of crazy beliefs, or of a strategy that doesn't really work for us. Sometimes this letting go is more tangible like ending an unsupportive relationship to set the stage for becoming the "new you." Other times it might be that you need to let go of an unrealistic expectation - I have lots of them. Sometimes it's as simple as changing that picture in our head. That snapshot we have taken of the perfect life, the perfect path. It doesn't exist without work. Dry spells remind us that it's work.

A dry spell may be exactly what is needed to re-evaluate your journey and to reflect on where the course of your own life is headed. I am going to have some time to myself next week, something I am not really very good at doing. It's going to be a time for me to focus on me, what I want, what I need, and it's making me a bit anxious. I need to spend time with just me, my thoughts, my own self. Ohh, that is really scary to me. It's time I know, time to figure out what do I need to let go of in order to welcome new life changes I desire?

Sometimes a dry spell is what we need to force us to take that internal look and figure out what we need for ourselves. So much of my days are spent taking care of everyone else's needs that it's time I figure out what I need, what I want and figure out a way to make that happen. The hard part is that I need to figure it out for myself, how do I feel complete on my own. How do I hold my own hand on my path?