Sometimes I feel like I am walking on top of a fence, balancing to not fall off, like a really long yoga pose. It's hard to get your body and soul in unity. To get everyone rowing in the same direction so to speak.
What do you do when your head and heart are in a fight? When one goes rogue like a way ward spy? Sometimes you can't get them to be on the same path and it's really frustrating. I find myself constantly having to process thoughts my heart refuses to accept.
I know you're suppose to live in the moment, to be happy with what you have and where you're at because it's how life is suppose to be...but is it really?
There was this great article in the Oprah magazine by one of my favorite writers, Martha Beck, who talked about a woman who met a guy (isn't there always a story about a girl meeting a boy?) and she thought he was pretty amazing. After a very short time together, he did little things like remembering her favorite song, he read her blog and they really connected, at least she was feeling like that. She thought he was perfect except she was a little worried that he seemed to talk about his ex a lot of the time and he hinted about sex pretty much 5 minutes after they met.
Her friends warned her that was a bad sign, don't let him fool you they warned. No one like that could possible be good news. The immediate thought is he is a player, only out for what's in in for him. But then a friend countered with the thought, what if that is true? What if all that is true but he is still sweet and thoughtful to you. What if it is both wonderful and terrible? Do we really have to commit to just one choice and we are done? Why can't we have both things? I f he's getting what he wants and you are getting what you want/need, why can't we just take it for what it is? Why can't we have both?
My thought exactly. If my heart and my head can't get on the same page why can't I just let them be and deal with them as I need to? Not denial, not ignoring them but taking the moments as they come and see where they go. Taking the current circumstances and just enjoying them for what they are right this minute.
Some days it makes me a little more miserable than I probably need to be but other days I feel braver and happier and needed, so why can't I learn to live with this weird ying/yang that's happening?
Confronted with such dualities usually forces us to choose between them. Do we just hunker down and figure out which option is the "right" one? Limiting ourselves to answer means we often stop seeing what's actually happening and then we start to make our decision based on a label instead. This isn't as easy as an either-or thought it's more of a both-and reality we have to deal with.
This is a strange loop we get into and we have to almost re-train our brains to see things differently. To step outside our comfort zone and really live life.
Hmmm, what's the harm in trying?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Habit or Routine?
Humans are creatures of habit and routine. I read some place that it takes a person 20 years to develop our adult personalities. During that time we are also developing behaviors and habits that will stay with us for our lifetime. Unfortunately, some of those behaviors and habits are not always healthy or helpful to us. Some may cause us long-term difficulties in our lives or in our relationships with others.
My body is used to a routine. I set my alarm for 5 am on weekdays. My body knows this and even on weekends it refuses to sleep in. Typically I am awake a little before the alarm goes off. Some days I am feeling tired so I hit my 9 minute snooze 2 or 3 times before I actually get up, sometimes I just get up. This is my routine. I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, try to look presentable for my day and off I go.
I often have good intentions that I forget about.....like bringing my lunch, or making coffee at home and putting in my nice to go thermal cup. I leave myself notes that I can completely over look. I try to leave my house in a clean and presentable fashion should I not return home for some god forsaken reason I don't want someone to come into my house and think I am a slob. I don't leave dishes in my sink, I don't leave towels on the floor and I clean the sink out after fixing my face and hair....just in case someone has to come in when I am not home. These are my habits.
I started thinking about the difference between routine and habits on my drive in today. I woke up ungodly early today (3:30 am) and finally gave up trying to go back to sleep at about 4:30. I got up, made a cup of coffee and some breakfast (thank God for left overs!!). I sat down to eat and enjoy the quiet of the morning and realized this was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was so not something I do most or pretty much ANY days. I usually lay in bed until I have to drag my butt out, get dressed and leave. I try to leave before traffic gets all wonky because I live in road construction haven. I try to leave early to avoid other crazy drivers who are inevitable running late and since I become invisible on the road, I try to get out before them. It doesn't always work.
Last night I went to dinner with a friend at about 8:30 at night. I was so hungry that I inhaled my food so fast that I was pretty much miserable and kinda sick to my stomache almost immediately. So I sat and hoped my body would absorb this food quickly so I wouldn't be so miserable. I realized, that is a terribly bad habit I have...eating fast. I inhale my food so quickly that I am often full before I've really eaten much (like that really stops me) and then in a few hours I am hungry again...but I realized habits always seem like a negative thing vs. a routine which seems like a good, normal, steady thing. I wonder why that is?
Nail biting, not listening, picking your cuticles, tapping your foot to the point you can rock a immobile car....habits...all bad habits. I wondered...can habits really be considered good? Usually we try to break ourselves of our habits by changing our routines. I used to be a HUGE Diet Coke consumer. I had probably 3/4 cans a day. It was my routine (habit) and when I decided to make that change it took lots of concentrated effort to make that change. Now it doesn't even cross my thought process anymore. Try to take my coffee away however and we will be having a different conversation.
So how do we create routine? Sometimes routine can be bad too. If we do things just because we've always done them it takes away the magic of spontaneous moments or events. It's so complicated to be who we are suppose to be with all we have fighting against us, sometimes its us that make it harder. Routine makes me feel predictable....I am not sure I like that at all.
But changing a behavior or habit is not done simply or overnight. If something took 20 years to learn, it seems to me that it will take the equal amount, if not the same time to “unlearn” or to change that behavior or routine. It just seems more difficult than it is because it’s a process, not something you can just wake up one day and say, “Hey, today I’m going to do everything completely differently.”
If we only knew then what we know now would we make the same choices? Would we make different choices? Do we create habits based on the people we spend our time with? Do we create routines to make life easier for ourself or others? Routines seem easy, habits seem more challenging. I wonder if I had to list mine all out which column would have more?
The older I get the more it seems I am more comfortable and familiar with my habits and routines I’ve created in my life. And what is our life if not the sum of our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, all of which we’ve learned and incorporated into ourselves over our lifetime? It’s who I am. It’s part of my charm. To change is to ask people to give up the familiar for the unfamiliar and for most people that scares the daylights out of them. Humans avoid fear, that’s why most people don’t like change and don’t do a very good job with change when confronted with it.
You can’t ask or expect someone to change all of their routines or habits, its part of who they are. The real key to changing routines isn’t to swap out existing routines for new ones you’ll never change, but rather to challenge ourselves every day with something a little different or new. Realistically, most people cannot change significant amounts in their life without serious effort and time.
Are we just to comfortable in our own madness?
My body is used to a routine. I set my alarm for 5 am on weekdays. My body knows this and even on weekends it refuses to sleep in. Typically I am awake a little before the alarm goes off. Some days I am feeling tired so I hit my 9 minute snooze 2 or 3 times before I actually get up, sometimes I just get up. This is my routine. I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, try to look presentable for my day and off I go.
I often have good intentions that I forget about.....like bringing my lunch, or making coffee at home and putting in my nice to go thermal cup. I leave myself notes that I can completely over look. I try to leave my house in a clean and presentable fashion should I not return home for some god forsaken reason I don't want someone to come into my house and think I am a slob. I don't leave dishes in my sink, I don't leave towels on the floor and I clean the sink out after fixing my face and hair....just in case someone has to come in when I am not home. These are my habits.
I started thinking about the difference between routine and habits on my drive in today. I woke up ungodly early today (3:30 am) and finally gave up trying to go back to sleep at about 4:30. I got up, made a cup of coffee and some breakfast (thank God for left overs!!). I sat down to eat and enjoy the quiet of the morning and realized this was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was so not something I do most or pretty much ANY days. I usually lay in bed until I have to drag my butt out, get dressed and leave. I try to leave before traffic gets all wonky because I live in road construction haven. I try to leave early to avoid other crazy drivers who are inevitable running late and since I become invisible on the road, I try to get out before them. It doesn't always work.
Last night I went to dinner with a friend at about 8:30 at night. I was so hungry that I inhaled my food so fast that I was pretty much miserable and kinda sick to my stomache almost immediately. So I sat and hoped my body would absorb this food quickly so I wouldn't be so miserable. I realized, that is a terribly bad habit I have...eating fast. I inhale my food so quickly that I am often full before I've really eaten much (like that really stops me) and then in a few hours I am hungry again...but I realized habits always seem like a negative thing vs. a routine which seems like a good, normal, steady thing. I wonder why that is?
Nail biting, not listening, picking your cuticles, tapping your foot to the point you can rock a immobile car....habits...all bad habits. I wondered...can habits really be considered good? Usually we try to break ourselves of our habits by changing our routines. I used to be a HUGE Diet Coke consumer. I had probably 3/4 cans a day. It was my routine (habit) and when I decided to make that change it took lots of concentrated effort to make that change. Now it doesn't even cross my thought process anymore. Try to take my coffee away however and we will be having a different conversation.
So how do we create routine? Sometimes routine can be bad too. If we do things just because we've always done them it takes away the magic of spontaneous moments or events. It's so complicated to be who we are suppose to be with all we have fighting against us, sometimes its us that make it harder. Routine makes me feel predictable....I am not sure I like that at all.
But changing a behavior or habit is not done simply or overnight. If something took 20 years to learn, it seems to me that it will take the equal amount, if not the same time to “unlearn” or to change that behavior or routine. It just seems more difficult than it is because it’s a process, not something you can just wake up one day and say, “Hey, today I’m going to do everything completely differently.”
If we only knew then what we know now would we make the same choices? Would we make different choices? Do we create habits based on the people we spend our time with? Do we create routines to make life easier for ourself or others? Routines seem easy, habits seem more challenging. I wonder if I had to list mine all out which column would have more?
The older I get the more it seems I am more comfortable and familiar with my habits and routines I’ve created in my life. And what is our life if not the sum of our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, all of which we’ve learned and incorporated into ourselves over our lifetime? It’s who I am. It’s part of my charm. To change is to ask people to give up the familiar for the unfamiliar and for most people that scares the daylights out of them. Humans avoid fear, that’s why most people don’t like change and don’t do a very good job with change when confronted with it.
You can’t ask or expect someone to change all of their routines or habits, its part of who they are. The real key to changing routines isn’t to swap out existing routines for new ones you’ll never change, but rather to challenge ourselves every day with something a little different or new. Realistically, most people cannot change significant amounts in their life without serious effort and time.
Are we just to comfortable in our own madness?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Turning mediocrity into greatness
When you want to live outside your own bubble, it takes dedication and discipline to push yourself to that next level. Some of us are able to harness that and use it, others....not so much. When an average performer reached the end of their day they call it quits, they toss in the towel and stop, call it done. Those who want more, are usually just getting started. What separates them from us, er, well, me? What do they know that I just don't get?
Discipline. That's ultimately what it comes down to. Discipline is the watchword of great performers. It makes the difference between the good and the great. The great ones will tell you discipline is more of a decision than it is an active skill. It's the ability to stay the course and complete promises you've made. The fulfillment of these promises builds confidence and self-esteem, which eventually leads people to believe almost anything is possible. It's a habit and a self-fulfilling prophecy built into one. Discipline is a logic-based decision that performers adhere to, regardless of whether they feel like it or not.
How do you learn discipline? How does one acquire the skills to push past pain and punishment and disappointment to get to that next level? Is it really as simple as changing your mindset? Does one have to disregard things like feelings and emotions to propel themselves to the next level? Doesn't it really come down to the fact that you get out of life what you put into it? Ultimately isn't that what it's really about?
I've never been what one would define as a over achiever. Yes I can at times be 100% dedicated and committed to something but over achiever, go getter, disciplined....nah...not who I am. I want to be, I kind of crave that sort of power over myself but I just don't see it happening. I wish I had that much passion and purpose in my life. Maybe I do but I've just never harnessed it. I wonder what amazing great things I could accomplish if I just put my mind to it, if I became that person I admire...or at least displayed those traits in others I admire. It might be an interesting test. Can one just randomly push themselves to the next level?
Discipline. That's ultimately what it comes down to. Discipline is the watchword of great performers. It makes the difference between the good and the great. The great ones will tell you discipline is more of a decision than it is an active skill. It's the ability to stay the course and complete promises you've made. The fulfillment of these promises builds confidence and self-esteem, which eventually leads people to believe almost anything is possible. It's a habit and a self-fulfilling prophecy built into one. Discipline is a logic-based decision that performers adhere to, regardless of whether they feel like it or not.
How do you learn discipline? How does one acquire the skills to push past pain and punishment and disappointment to get to that next level? Is it really as simple as changing your mindset? Does one have to disregard things like feelings and emotions to propel themselves to the next level? Doesn't it really come down to the fact that you get out of life what you put into it? Ultimately isn't that what it's really about?
I've never been what one would define as a over achiever. Yes I can at times be 100% dedicated and committed to something but over achiever, go getter, disciplined....nah...not who I am. I want to be, I kind of crave that sort of power over myself but I just don't see it happening. I wish I had that much passion and purpose in my life. Maybe I do but I've just never harnessed it. I wonder what amazing great things I could accomplish if I just put my mind to it, if I became that person I admire...or at least displayed those traits in others I admire. It might be an interesting test. Can one just randomly push themselves to the next level?
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Perfection is a myth
Can a person really have it all? Can we have the right job, the perfect mate, and the best kids, the most fantastically (is that a word?) perfect job while still waking up every day absolutely happy?
Of course we CAN’T have it all!
You tell me one person who has absolutely everything! Perfectionism is an illusion of the mind. I think we strive for it at such a rate that we end up driving ourselves into a frenzy which then causes us to seek therapy once we realize it’s virtually impossible to achieve.
What does it mean to have it all?
I look at people and think my life would be pretty darn amazing if I were in their shoes. People like Oprah are really not fair to compare ourselves to because not many people get to live life at that level. I am talking about people I see almost every day and I know small parts of their life and I have to wonder, do they really have it all? Do they really have the dream job, power, success, friends, family and love? From my point of view having these things give you a leg up on life and you get to be happy and content…but does anyone really have it all without wanting something else or something more?
I know people who seem to have it all from another person’s perspective. Many people have made the comment to me that I have the best life. No commitments, no kids, no partner – total freedom. There is something more satisfying that freedom however. There are times I am still disappointed with my own life choices.
Not one of my friends has it all. I'd like to think they do, and some days it seems like they do but the reality is...no one does. This is a fact I have to accept, it's hard for me to say that because I feel like if I am not striving towards or working to get to have it all, what's the point?
This is not to make you complacent or accepting of crap in your life– it’s just a fact. Everyone has something to deal with. Maybe it’s a loved one with a terrible illness, money issues, maybe an unhappy relationship/marriage, a terrible job - something. If you’re lucky enough to have the support of great friends and family, or a good therapist to help shoulder your pain, you’re even luckier.
I am not saying you cannot have a fulfilling life, with a career, kids, husband, and balance. There are no judgments regardless of the position you are in, and you may as well make the best of the hand you have been dealt. But our time on earth is quite short, and this is no dress rehearsal so we really need to come to terms with life as it is and find ways to move forward with zest and appeal.
In my opinion, I think having it all is just simply being happy. Being happy with who you are, what you are doing and who you are choosing to spend your life with. Truly content from within, regardless of how much money you have, of whether you work, stay at home, or opt out of motherhood altogether.
Perfection is an illusion and it’s OK that you don’t have it all, it does not make us flawed or a freak, it only makes us human.
Of course we CAN’T have it all!
You tell me one person who has absolutely everything! Perfectionism is an illusion of the mind. I think we strive for it at such a rate that we end up driving ourselves into a frenzy which then causes us to seek therapy once we realize it’s virtually impossible to achieve.
What does it mean to have it all?
I look at people and think my life would be pretty darn amazing if I were in their shoes. People like Oprah are really not fair to compare ourselves to because not many people get to live life at that level. I am talking about people I see almost every day and I know small parts of their life and I have to wonder, do they really have it all? Do they really have the dream job, power, success, friends, family and love? From my point of view having these things give you a leg up on life and you get to be happy and content…but does anyone really have it all without wanting something else or something more?
I know people who seem to have it all from another person’s perspective. Many people have made the comment to me that I have the best life. No commitments, no kids, no partner – total freedom. There is something more satisfying that freedom however. There are times I am still disappointed with my own life choices.
Not one of my friends has it all. I'd like to think they do, and some days it seems like they do but the reality is...no one does. This is a fact I have to accept, it's hard for me to say that because I feel like if I am not striving towards or working to get to have it all, what's the point?
This is not to make you complacent or accepting of crap in your life– it’s just a fact. Everyone has something to deal with. Maybe it’s a loved one with a terrible illness, money issues, maybe an unhappy relationship/marriage, a terrible job - something. If you’re lucky enough to have the support of great friends and family, or a good therapist to help shoulder your pain, you’re even luckier.
I am not saying you cannot have a fulfilling life, with a career, kids, husband, and balance. There are no judgments regardless of the position you are in, and you may as well make the best of the hand you have been dealt. But our time on earth is quite short, and this is no dress rehearsal so we really need to come to terms with life as it is and find ways to move forward with zest and appeal.
In my opinion, I think having it all is just simply being happy. Being happy with who you are, what you are doing and who you are choosing to spend your life with. Truly content from within, regardless of how much money you have, of whether you work, stay at home, or opt out of motherhood altogether.
Perfection is an illusion and it’s OK that you don’t have it all, it does not make us flawed or a freak, it only makes us human.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wings to fly
Sometimes you don't even realize you have wings that you can just use anytime to fly. Fly away, fly free - just fly. Sometime you have to shake the dust off of what IS to realize there is more out there, more to see, more to do, more to have. I have to admit, I totally forgot I have wings.
Life is one big puzzle. Feels like we are always looking for something we don't have, it's a long winding road we keep traveling down searching, trying, failing, learning, growing and suddenly we realize we no longer are doing things or living a life that is for us..it's a harsh realization.
It's easy to want more and to give up all kinds of stuff to get to the place we think we need to be. It's easy to be so focused on getting that life that we lose track of everything else around us. For so long I've been focused on what's next. After school, after IAAP, after this month, after work....always what's next...what's coming up that you forget to live and experience the here and now. Here and now....it's not such a bad place to be.
I recently heard a speaker who talked about being fully present in the moment. He had great examples of how he saw this happening. There is a great line he used - Am I OK right now? It encouraged you to look past the fear and uncertainty and focus on the here and now....Am I OK right now? Most of the time you can honestly say YES. If you are hurdling down a cliff at top speed you may answer that question a little differently, but overall you are probably OK right now.
I have spent so much of my time this last year trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole and I kind of feel exhausted by these efforts. I have come to accept the fact that I can't MAKE people want me to be a part of their life. I can't make people want to spend time with me, to do things for and with me just because it's what I want. I forget that just because it's the path I am on and moving forward, doesn't mean that is where they belong...even if I want them to be there with me. How much am I willing to give up for them is as important as how much they are willing to give up for me.....as much as I don't like it, that's the reality.
I have lost track of so much of who I am and what I want and where I want to be that I feel like only something big can shake off the dust and clear the clutter. I need a grand gesture or moment to happen. I have been a little obsessed lately with Flash Mobs....you've seen those videos where a group of people go into public and randomly dance and then as soon as the song is over they just move on like nothing ever happened. I need a flash mob moment in my own life. I need something to shake things up for just a few minutes and clear out the cobwebs so I can move forward again. I'm tired of waiting, of being the one making the effort, the contact, the connection, square pegs can't fit into a round hole no matter how hard you pound.
Isn't it funny how we suddenly realize we have had wings all along and just forget to use them?
Life is one big puzzle. Feels like we are always looking for something we don't have, it's a long winding road we keep traveling down searching, trying, failing, learning, growing and suddenly we realize we no longer are doing things or living a life that is for us..it's a harsh realization.
It's easy to want more and to give up all kinds of stuff to get to the place we think we need to be. It's easy to be so focused on getting that life that we lose track of everything else around us. For so long I've been focused on what's next. After school, after IAAP, after this month, after work....always what's next...what's coming up that you forget to live and experience the here and now. Here and now....it's not such a bad place to be.
I recently heard a speaker who talked about being fully present in the moment. He had great examples of how he saw this happening. There is a great line he used - Am I OK right now? It encouraged you to look past the fear and uncertainty and focus on the here and now....Am I OK right now? Most of the time you can honestly say YES. If you are hurdling down a cliff at top speed you may answer that question a little differently, but overall you are probably OK right now.
I have spent so much of my time this last year trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole and I kind of feel exhausted by these efforts. I have come to accept the fact that I can't MAKE people want me to be a part of their life. I can't make people want to spend time with me, to do things for and with me just because it's what I want. I forget that just because it's the path I am on and moving forward, doesn't mean that is where they belong...even if I want them to be there with me. How much am I willing to give up for them is as important as how much they are willing to give up for me.....as much as I don't like it, that's the reality.
I have lost track of so much of who I am and what I want and where I want to be that I feel like only something big can shake off the dust and clear the clutter. I need a grand gesture or moment to happen. I have been a little obsessed lately with Flash Mobs....you've seen those videos where a group of people go into public and randomly dance and then as soon as the song is over they just move on like nothing ever happened. I need a flash mob moment in my own life. I need something to shake things up for just a few minutes and clear out the cobwebs so I can move forward again. I'm tired of waiting, of being the one making the effort, the contact, the connection, square pegs can't fit into a round hole no matter how hard you pound.
Isn't it funny how we suddenly realize we have had wings all along and just forget to use them?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Little disappointments
Life is full of disappointments.
I realize that isn't a very positive way to start a post but really it's true. We grow up taught to expect to be treated in a certain way, that life kind of dictates to us that if you do good thing, good things often come back to us. Now there are no rules of course, it's not an automatic that if you do good you get good but we expect it to happen. Maybe that's where we go wrong...we expect.
Recently my 20 year old niece put a Facebook post out that stated "the sesame street theme song is NOT what it used to be and cookie monster was NOT eating cookies. what?!"
At first it made me giggle and then it made me wonder if she even watched the same Sesame Street I even grew up with. It's funny how we go through life almost automatically without much thought until something makes us stop and we realize something isn't quite right. She is so young and has so much more life to experience and I hope that she is armed with the tools she needs to fight the little disappointments along the way.
I remember living with someone for many, many years and then the first time I came home after he was gone I went to turn on a light that was suddenly no longer there. I remember the feeling that completely overwhelmed me at that very moment.....it was the first time in a really long time I realized I was completely alone and on top of that, I had no lamp. I always took things for granted, I expected things to be the same....but just like the disappointment of the cookie monster no longer eating cookies, I had to change my perception of my own life.
How many times do we have to do that in our lives? We become creatures of habit so easily and it's not until something forces us to change that we realize things are different. Sometimes I get so focused on what I should be doing, what I need to be doing and I forget about the here and now. I get disappointed because I think I should have more, I should be more, I need something outside of what I have and I forget that sometimes where I am at and what I have is good.
We have a family friend who is dying from cancer right now. She takes each day as a gift. Each day she wakes up she gets up and pushes herself to live.....not just for her but for her family. For her each day is a gift and she is absolutely living with no regrets...there is no time. The cancer is moving fast and spreading through her body at an incredible rate yet she is purchasing new clothes and seeing friends and getting her hair done as if her life is going on as planned. Her day must be filled with little disappointments....constantly...yet she plows ahead full throttle. It amazes me.
Some days it feels like the whole world is against me, some days it feels like such a battle just to do the simple things I need to do and then I realize, I am not fighting a ticking monster slowing devouring my insides....amazing. It's amazing to me what the human spirit can over come.
Sometimes life events happen and we don't think we will ever recover and then you come across people who are experience disappointment after disappointment and they just keep going. I admire that ability. I am of the mind set that there must be something better than all this. I just keep living one day at a time doing the best I can...and someday I assume we will find what it is we are looking for and we'll drop our bags and just be home.
Do we just learn to accept life's disappointments or do we build up our tolerance?
I realize that isn't a very positive way to start a post but really it's true. We grow up taught to expect to be treated in a certain way, that life kind of dictates to us that if you do good thing, good things often come back to us. Now there are no rules of course, it's not an automatic that if you do good you get good but we expect it to happen. Maybe that's where we go wrong...we expect.
Recently my 20 year old niece put a Facebook post out that stated "the sesame street theme song is NOT what it used to be and cookie monster was NOT eating cookies. what?!"
At first it made me giggle and then it made me wonder if she even watched the same Sesame Street I even grew up with. It's funny how we go through life almost automatically without much thought until something makes us stop and we realize something isn't quite right. She is so young and has so much more life to experience and I hope that she is armed with the tools she needs to fight the little disappointments along the way.
I remember living with someone for many, many years and then the first time I came home after he was gone I went to turn on a light that was suddenly no longer there. I remember the feeling that completely overwhelmed me at that very moment.....it was the first time in a really long time I realized I was completely alone and on top of that, I had no lamp. I always took things for granted, I expected things to be the same....but just like the disappointment of the cookie monster no longer eating cookies, I had to change my perception of my own life.
How many times do we have to do that in our lives? We become creatures of habit so easily and it's not until something forces us to change that we realize things are different. Sometimes I get so focused on what I should be doing, what I need to be doing and I forget about the here and now. I get disappointed because I think I should have more, I should be more, I need something outside of what I have and I forget that sometimes where I am at and what I have is good.
We have a family friend who is dying from cancer right now. She takes each day as a gift. Each day she wakes up she gets up and pushes herself to live.....not just for her but for her family. For her each day is a gift and she is absolutely living with no regrets...there is no time. The cancer is moving fast and spreading through her body at an incredible rate yet she is purchasing new clothes and seeing friends and getting her hair done as if her life is going on as planned. Her day must be filled with little disappointments....constantly...yet she plows ahead full throttle. It amazes me.
Some days it feels like the whole world is against me, some days it feels like such a battle just to do the simple things I need to do and then I realize, I am not fighting a ticking monster slowing devouring my insides....amazing. It's amazing to me what the human spirit can over come.
Sometimes life events happen and we don't think we will ever recover and then you come across people who are experience disappointment after disappointment and they just keep going. I admire that ability. I am of the mind set that there must be something better than all this. I just keep living one day at a time doing the best I can...and someday I assume we will find what it is we are looking for and we'll drop our bags and just be home.
Do we just learn to accept life's disappointments or do we build up our tolerance?
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Time is a cruel teacher
There is an old saying that goes something like Time is a cruel teacher because she gives the test before we have the answers.
I have been thinking a lot about time lately. How relatively short it is in the whole scheme of things. I mean a lifetime is really pretty short when you think about it. The recent news of Al & Tipper Gore separating after 40 years of marriage kinda got me thinking again about how fast things change. Last year about this time I was facing graduation, my party, and a summer full of a lot of fun. All of a sudden, we are flash forwarded to the here and now...2010 and it's June, again. Even though so much happened in those 365 days, it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye. I imagine Al & Tipper feel that way.
Sometimes all we have to do is brave the storm a little while and suddenly it breaks and things settle down, get into a rhythm, a pattern...they become "normal". I think that's where I lose it a little...I'm not very happy or comfortable with "normal" or a set routine. I like a little bit of chaos, a little bit of something to shake up my days....it's crazy to think Al and Tipper spent more time being married than alone....although some will argue they have both been alone for many many years now.
I wonder what 3 months from now will bring? Heck 3 days from now my life could completely change. I am really exhausted from trying to figure things out...trying to figure out where I should be, what I should be doing, where I should be at...it's wearing on a soul. I want to give up but that seems to be the lazy way out. I would like to find some middle ground...some place soft to land that isn't soul sucking but offers enough excitement and variety to keep me going.
I got a book for my birthday and I have yet to read but there is this quote in the beginning I just can't get out of my head. It's by Ralph Waldo Emerson
To which we belong. That's the part I keep going over in my head. Is it saying that I am a disgrace because I am have not born fruit? That I am not a unit? That I am one in thousands that is a party of one and there is where I belong? I am not sure what it's saying, but it is somehow speaking to me. I must really read more of him to figure him out.
Time is indeed a cruel teacher, what is this person from the past trying to share with me now in the present? How do we learn these lessons oh teacher?
I have been thinking a lot about time lately. How relatively short it is in the whole scheme of things. I mean a lifetime is really pretty short when you think about it. The recent news of Al & Tipper Gore separating after 40 years of marriage kinda got me thinking again about how fast things change. Last year about this time I was facing graduation, my party, and a summer full of a lot of fun. All of a sudden, we are flash forwarded to the here and now...2010 and it's June, again. Even though so much happened in those 365 days, it feels like it went by in the blink of an eye. I imagine Al & Tipper feel that way.
Sometimes all we have to do is brave the storm a little while and suddenly it breaks and things settle down, get into a rhythm, a pattern...they become "normal". I think that's where I lose it a little...I'm not very happy or comfortable with "normal" or a set routine. I like a little bit of chaos, a little bit of something to shake up my days....it's crazy to think Al and Tipper spent more time being married than alone....although some will argue they have both been alone for many many years now.
I wonder what 3 months from now will bring? Heck 3 days from now my life could completely change. I am really exhausted from trying to figure things out...trying to figure out where I should be, what I should be doing, where I should be at...it's wearing on a soul. I want to give up but that seems to be the lazy way out. I would like to find some middle ground...some place soft to land that isn't soul sucking but offers enough excitement and variety to keep me going.
I got a book for my birthday and I have yet to read but there is this quote in the beginning I just can't get out of my head. It's by Ralph Waldo Emerson
Is it not the chief disgrace in the world, not to be a unit; not to be
reckoned one character; not to yield that peculiar fruit which each man was created to bear, but to be reckoned in the gross, in the hundred, or the thousand, of the party, the section, to which we belong...
To which we belong. That's the part I keep going over in my head. Is it saying that I am a disgrace because I am have not born fruit? That I am not a unit? That I am one in thousands that is a party of one and there is where I belong? I am not sure what it's saying, but it is somehow speaking to me. I must really read more of him to figure him out.
Time is indeed a cruel teacher, what is this person from the past trying to share with me now in the present? How do we learn these lessons oh teacher?
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