Need for control?

It's funny the things you discover about yourself while doing the simplest of tasks....like making toast.

This morning as I was pondering life's greatest questions my sandwich thin slipped between the bars and started to burn/smoke as it touched the hot wires that are suppose to toast it. I angrily poked at it until I got it out and then was sort of grumbling to myself when a co-worker approached. We laughed about it and we started talking about how things were built better when we were younger and that led into this weird thought pattern.

I said I've become so much less patient as I've gotten older. It's like I feel like I don't have a lot of time left to deal with the indecisiveness of others or the thoughtlessness that seems to be all around me. For instance, in the morning, I walk into the cafeteria to get my coffee and there is a flow, a process to getting your coffee...you start on the right, pick up your cup and then proceed through to choose your coffee, fill your cup, add creamer and finally the top. It's a very clear, simple process that any fool can see....but there is the occasional yahoo who is so completely self-absorbed in their own bubble that they walk right up to the counter, past me, put their tray full of food down and then try to reach over you to grab a cup and I am suppose to just stand there and let this happen?

So the older I get the less patience I have for these kinds of acts. My co-worker said he's less tolerant than patient. Is there a difference between tolerance and patience? It made me think more. Honestly...this much thinking before coffee is not good for anyone.

Tolerance - capacity to endure pain or hardship. Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices, the allowable deviation from a standard. Patient - bearing pains or trials or without complaint, not hasty or impetuous. Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.

So maybe I've been thinking about myself wrong. I am NOT patient. I thought I was, but I think if anything I have a high tolerance level but I'm not really tolerant either. Hmmm, have I turned into that grumpy gus of an old woman already?

I used to be the kind of person that enjoyed being right. Not that I would argue it, okay, maybe that's not true, but I learned to sort of hone it....I started to become one who then had to PROVE I was right. Hmm, maybe that's slightly passive/aggressive. Jesh, the more I think about this and write about this, I am a hot mess.

Does it all come down to our need for control? I don't seem to be able to control much in my life so maybe it's my unconscious attempt at gaining control - if I get to do things my way or in my time then I win....is it about winning? Is this only the tip of the iceberg?

I am not sure I want to live in a world where I am in total control. It's clear I don't make the best decisions on my own, I always like/need input/feedback. Even if people don't think I do. I try to take it in, listen to it, process it and then make a decision. When I was younger, I admit, I made my decisions based on my friends wants/needs, but as I get older, I now am trying to make these based on what's best for me. Imagine that.....I am thinking of me first.

Ohh boy, this all started with an innocent piece of toast. Imagine where I could have gone had I added an egg or pancake to this start to my day?

Not ready yet

Being patient is not my strong suit. If you know me at all, you know this about me. I am all about things happening RIGHT NOW. I think partially it comes from my up bringing and with the disappointment that comes with waiting. Mostly, if you had to wait for something, it never happened. As an adult, I've had the opportunity to correct that but again, it feels like waiting for it equals it never happening.

We wait in line, we wait on hold, we wait to get the green light to enter the highway at rush hour. Then we wait to get a better job until after you graduate....wait for him to leave his wife.....wait to order something and it's no longer available - disappointment abound. To me, waiting means no, never gonna happen, uh uh, nope, forget about it..adios.

So today when I heard this message from not only one of my daily positive thoughts for the day sources, but a similar message from another it made me think about waiting. Is waiting really such a bad thing? Is it possibly the Universe's way or reminding us we are not yet ready?

Be willing to be patient. YES you want it RIGHT NOW, but maybe you're not ready for it right now. Maybe NOW isn't the time for you to step into that light. Trust that the Universe will provide it to you exactly at the perfect time, and accept that it is not now.

Are we so over exposed to wanting things here and now that we forget to enjoy the ride, to be patient with the process, to let things unfold as they are suppose to? In this face paced world, are we giving too much of ourselves and in return, expecting too much?

Remember that show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It hit the airwaves like gangbusters in the late 90's and launched Regis Philbin to the top of the charts. Soon the network began to realize the potential money bag that was, not only with the show but with advertising so they milked that bad boy for all it was worth. It was on 5 nights a week and they effectively squeezed every last cent out of that golden goose before it died a slow painful death. Over exposure can surely be the death of every or any good idea.

So are we trying to get to much too fast? Are we really square pegs we are trying to jam into round holes or are we just expecting too much from the Universe? How do we learn to enjoy the ride and see what's around us without wanting more? Without pushing ourselves to achieve more and to live the life we are meant to be living without the internal battle all the time?

Apparently I'm not ready yet....are you?

Learning to live with what we miss

So many times it's easier to accept change when we make the changes ourselves, when we initiate them. It's easier when we are choosing to stop seeing someone, to end a friendship, to quit a job, to stop accepting bad behavior as acceptable. Why do we continually allow others to rule our lives, to constantly do the adjusting to that kind of life? Maybe not all the time, but we sort of let that behavior continue to be acceptable because it's easier than dealing with it? I don't get it.

I think if you are person in a power position, you have an obligation to NOT accept poor behavior as acceptable. That you have a duty to not make others follow rules and not really enforce it for all parties. I mean, isn't that discrimination?

We learn to live with what we miss. We just build walls up around ourselves in order to get through our days. We keep doing this until something forces them to come tumbling down. We think we are protecting ourselves, blocking ourselves away from the things that hurt us, challenges us, it change us.....but really we just sort of go internal and shut out the world. Is it better to really have loved an lost than to never have loved at all?

It seems like the more you try to put all the pieces of your own life puzzle into place, the harder it gets. It's like all of a sudden you have all these pieces of the puzzle that aren't really even a piece of the puzzle you are working on. How does that happen? Do we just wake up one day and realize we need to put the puzzle together? That we need to have things where they belong and we struggle so hard to make them fit. It's like I keep pounding them into place but they keep popping up again and again. It's frustrating. I think I need to scrap this puzzle and start all over.

Is that an option? Can we really stop our current life path and just start all over? Is it as simple as that? What would it take? Do we quit our job, stop hanging with family and friends? Turn off our phone, computer....stop our connection in every form with the world as we know it? Do we do a hard re-boot of our own life and see where we end up?

Each day seems like an itch. I reach for it but I can't quite scratch it, every day it itches just a little bit more but I'm never really able to reach it.

Swimming against the current

Some days I feel like Dori in Finding Nemo...I have to keep reminding myself..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming".

I admire those people that forge their own path, rules be dammed. Those people that wake up each day and know they are going to make a difference, they know where they are going, what they are doing and who they have by their side no matter what. Then there are those of us who wake up and the first thought is....what fresh hell will this day bring.

I'm not quite in that boat yet, but I have to admit, I have been waking up thinking....please let me get through this day without unnecessary drama or frustration. Let this be a good day. I know you positive, happy people will say you need to wake up and say "it's going to be a great day!" I know I'm suppose to have a more positive outlook but honestly, it's hard to constantly be swimming against the current and be happy....should I just stop fighting it and just float away with everyone else?

At what point does it become giving up if you stop fighting the status quo, the "normal", the routine, mundane everyday tasks we are sort of drawn into doing? At what point does it no longer mean you are striving for something more and just being difficult? I think I would curl up and die if I had the same old routine everyday, well I sort of do now but not really. But I mean if I was just a "yes" man. If I always did what I was told/asked without questioning would I really be happier? Would I really be in a better place? If I didn't want to settle for what I have right now, if I want more money, love, friends, respect, happiness...and if I don't push myself to get more, am I giving up? Do you have to swim against the current to find who and what you are?

The older I get the more questions I seem to have. I remember in my 20's life seemed SO easy. So not complicated. The big question was where was I going to go out to that night. Things seemed so easy in my younger days. I never cared about doing a good job at work, or if I was tired the next day. I cared about my possessions and my $$ to go out and play. As I got older, I started to care about my heart, my soul, my reputation both personally and professionally. I care about my friends and my integrity....these are the things keeping me up at night.

Maybe there is some give in not always fighting the current, maybe once in awhile we need to let go an doggy paddle along until we get to the big "fish". Maybe we'd have more energy to fight the good fight if we weren't doing that allllll day long? Or maybe we just keep doing this until we can no longer see straight and we end up alone with 12 cats in our apartment?

Hmm, that's a tough choice.

Too connected?

Is it possible to be TOO CONNECTED? With all the social media at our fingertips, do we think that everything we think, feel and do is something to be shared?


I will be the first to admit...I am addicted to Facebook and my texting. If you take me to a place where I can't send or receive a text I will probably settle down eventually but until I have signal again and there is the POSSIBILITY that I can get a text, I am discombobulated. I accept this about myself but in this recent, thought provoking state I am in lately, I've begun to wonder if we are "too connected"?


Facebook status read things like "I had a cheeseburger for lunch" or "At the pool" or any of those little statements that don't really mean anything but we feel the need to share our every movement with the world kind of make me laugh. I understand the need to not feel like your alone and this type of interaction, this constant barrage of information that comes at us 24/7 makes us feel like we aren't alone.


Maybe that's what social networking is really about...not being alone. To try to make us feel more connected to a bigger piece of the pie than what we have. I had a conversation with a person just getting ready to leave home for the first time and she is moving away from her family and all her friends and we talked about how great Facebook (FB) is for helping a person feel connected to so many people with just the click of a button. How easy it is to get a update on a person's life, see photo's, check out their mood, see there world in just seconds. How for someone leaving their entire social network in another state can survive with FB and her cell phone.

I love that Pink song - Glitter in the Air. It's such a great song on so many levels but the particular line I can't get out of my head is when she says "have you ever hated your self for staring at the phone, your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone" I can't get that line out of my head. How many of us do that. How many of us wait for that acknowledgement to prove that we matter, that we are somebody, that our very existence on this earth means something...that it matters to someone else that we are here? Waiting on the ring to prove we aren't alone.....isn't that what Twitter, FB and all these sites are about. For people to have a tool that makes them feel connected 24/7?

There was some survey that said the first thing a woman does in the morning before anything else it to check FB. I laughed at that stat but realized I don't know that I would want to go an entire day without checking my own FB. I tried a test one time to NOT update my status and see how long before anyone noticed. I was like SOMEONE will notice...someone will comment. I also decided I wasn't going to be the first to text someone...I wanted to see how long before they contacted me...and you know what....almost 24 full hours passed without anyone commenting on my non-updated FB status and not one single text came in. It made me think...it made me really ponder why I feel the need to be so connected to people, things and status updates. Who does it really matter to? Clearly it's just me....I mean really, I participate in this social networking tool by choice...same with texting. It's become my main form of communication with some of my friends.

Does it mean I spend less physical time with people? No, it actually feels like it increases my connection. I feel like I can say things in words much easier than I can in person. Sometimes I just have to say something and get it out of my head and continue doing what I am doing and texting allows me to do that......can it become a way of life? Does it replace a personal connection? I suppose it can but what is the value in that?

So....it begs the question.....are we too connected? Is the need for knowledge and information taking over our relationships?

Done with change

I get that the only constant in life is change - that we can't grow and experience things if we don't change, but I am kind of done with change. I am done being the one that always has to accept that things change, that people change, that everything has to change. Isn't there something to be said for keeping the old? Don't we respect our elders because they have this base knowledge and history that we cherish and think is a really good thing? Why are we always expected to change?

Lately it feels as if I have to be the one to change. That I am the one expected to just accept that things change, that friends move on, get new relationships, have kids, get married, move away. I have to accept that the rules of employement change, people quit, get fired, move on....and yet I am always the one doing the adjusting, the accepting of the new way of things. They have happily moved on and I am expected to just swallow it down and accept it.

Recently a good friend falls in love with her latest soulmate, now this is a friend I've known for a bit and we've become pretty close. We have spent alot of time together and all of a sudden, I'm expected to just take the backseat on our freindship. I'm the one fighting to spend time with her. No longer do we get to play, to hang out, to go do random weekend adventures. No longer do we just go hang out over a drink or for a fun night out. I'm the one who has to make the change. I am the one who has to deal with the hole her departure from my life leaves. She's happy, distracted and has new things to fill her days and time and heart and I'm am left behind, barely a blip on the radar. It's not just with this situation...it's like this at work, it's like this with friends who have moved it's even like this with family.

Somehow my life has morphed into this weird discombobulation of me always expected to be the one to accept that things change. To embrace the "opportunities" that come when things change. Well you know what....I'm done. I'm tired, exhausted, worn out, deflated and overall D-O-N-E.

I'm tired of being the one to accept that my life has to change, that I can't have things the way they were because "everything changes". At some point I think a person should get to decide to not make that an acceptable part of life. Does this mean I become a hermit and only do the bare minimum to survive? Does it mean I no longer look for new ways to grow or to learn new things or invite new people into my life? Does it mean I have to be alone the rest of my days?

Possibly but I can't imagine I would be happy with that kind of a life. I just want things to be fair, equal...a 50/50 split.

I just had a conversation with an older resident in my building...he is in his mid-80's and is the most positive person I've ever met. Not over the top perky, sunshine radiating his butt kind of positive, just overall positive. Without even knowing what was on my mind he stopped in to say good morning (I am working) and he shared a story about how one minute you can make a decision that changes your life forever. He shared a story about how he made this decision walking out of church one morning and he wonders what his life would be like had he not made that decision. He doesn't regret, he just wonders. Isn't that a great statement. He doesn't regret, he just wonders.

So how long does one person decide to keep accepting they have to be the one to always accept change and when do you get to decide enough is enough?

It's all about timing

Some times the days, weeks and months fly by without me even noticing them. It seems I am always planning ahead, what's happening tomorrow, next week, next month. When this project is done, when summer is over.....it always seems like I am moving at the speed of light. Then sometimes things happen and you think wow, if I hadn't been at this event I wouldn't have seen that, or if I didn't move here I would have never met this person....timing. It's all about timing and what the Universe decides we need at that moment.

Last summer I finished school, something that had consumed a bulk of my life for a few years. I was either in class, going to class or doing homework for a few years. As it neared the end, I found myself struggling with not only figuring out who I was when I was no longer that school girl, but where I fit in my own life and elsewhere. The Universe heard me and provided me with a summer of fun, unexpected adventures that took me basically into the fall months. As the seasons changed, so did my adventures. Soon they waned like a fall moon and I was back into a life of routine, common place and non-adventure. It's not a bad place to live, it's just a little boring.

So there I was, life moving along, nothing to write home about yet nothing to get to excited about. The new year comes in without a ripple, without a blip...just like any other day I keep on doing the same things. So how do you change that? How does one create excitement or passion, or change in their own life?

This has been a busy year as I seek to find some new paths to walk down. I don't mind walking alone, I'm used it it, it's comfortable, it's at my own pace but I wouldn't mind having a friend to tag along.....so I keep looking for someone to hang with but seems I may have waited too long and I think at this point, I'm destined to wander my path solo.

The Universe sends me this message today: You are the right person, this is the right time, you've paid your dues, you're thinking the right thoughts, you're doing the right things, and this very moment, you are exactly where you're supposed to be... poised for the happiest time of your life.

So it appears I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, I am where I am suppose to be at and this is the happiest time of my life....who would have guessed that the droll, mundane things I am doing on a daily basis are what I am destined to be doing. I suppose things certainly could be worse.

Seems a little disappointing to me, sort of like a firework that is all bang and no real fizzle. OK Universe....I'll try to appreciate.

Skewed vision of ourselves

Sometimes I think I so clearly know who I am, what I want and where I am going and then I have a thought that sets me off down an entirely new path and I wonder....do we ever really know ourselves?

I realize there are multiple facets to who we really are. There is the version of me I am when I am at a party having fun, no cares, no worries, there is the "corporate" me (still a work in progress) and there is the plain, old, boring, regular me that often takes over my life and myself and begins to rule my waking thoughts. Not one is better or worse than the other but sometimes I wonder - do we really ever know ourselves at all?

I would say most days we have a very skewed version of ourselves. For instance today my head is filled with a lot of thoughts like.....is this job really what I see myself doing in 5 years? Do I really see myself staying here, pounding away at this job trying to get outside of this tiny box I've been place in (not even a metaphor for my cubicle however it is a box). Do I really see myself spending what could possibly be the best years of my life here, behind these walls doing this everyday until I die? Is this where I want to live? Are these the things I want to do with the rest of my days?

I don't see it...but the problem is I don't know what IT is. I just know at this point, at this place - this is NOT it.

I'm feeling worn by my own life. I told someone a few minutes ago as we were discussing how nice it was to have an extra day off, I felt like I had to come back to work to get into a routine because I was afraid I could easily become a recluse. I could lock myself away in my apartment, get 12 cats and begin to have my groceries delivered and never leave my house again. She laughed and said - have you met you? That would never happen. But I think it could.

I recently watched the documentary Grey Gardens - this film depicts the everyday lives of the two women, a reclusive socialite mother and her daughter who lived at their decrepit mansion in East Hampton New York, they were distant relatives of the Kennedy's and they lived in squalor. They become separated from society as we know it and they lived in their own crazy little bubble. I could easily see that happening to me if I let it. Sometimes it's nice to live in my own crazy world I've created for myself. It's easier to live in the memories of how things were because it's much better than reality...right?

In the here and now there are everyday battles to fight, small battles on a daily basis. Stupid battles really like which word works better in a sentence, or what picture to use with a story, being on time for meetings, putting gas in the car....small battles you have to deal with that if you locked yourself up in your own skewed bubble of a world, no one could dispute you. You could live the kind of life you wanted without any issues. Sleep all day, watch terrible TV, carry on conversations with your cats and you would always be right. You would always have control and you wouldn't have to worry about anything. It kind of sounds like a delightful way to live. Right?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about packing up my life and moving away. To just put into my car all that will fit and just drive away to another place, another life, another reality. I guess it's a good thought but I guess it's not really possible. It's a nice dream but the reality is you can't run away from your life. You have to learn ways to deal with and accept the life you have. It's exhausting some days but overall, it's worth it....right? Family, friends, lovers, haters......it's all part of who we are, who we have become and who we continue to stay.

I often have a skewed vision of my own life. I think from the outside it seems so much more exciting and amazing than it is...like a dress on a mannequin in a store front window. It looks so pretty and appears to be amazing and you are convinced it's THE dress to have. Then when you buy it, you find out it's so uncomfortable and itchy and overall it's just not the dress you thought it was or should be. You can take the dress back but when it's your life you're kind of stuck with it. How do you hem that? Alter that? Make it work?

Clearly cats aren't the answer.