Sometimes I think I so clearly know who I am, what I want and where I am going and then I have a thought that sets me off down an entirely new path and I wonder....do we ever really know ourselves?
I realize there are multiple facets to who we really are. There is the version of me I am when I am at a party having fun, no cares, no worries, there is the "corporate" me (still a work in progress) and there is the plain, old, boring, regular me that often takes over my life and myself and begins to rule my waking thoughts. Not one is better or worse than the other but sometimes I wonder - do we really ever know ourselves at all?
I would say most days we have a very skewed version of ourselves. For instance today my head is filled with a lot of thoughts like.....is this job really what I see myself doing in 5 years? Do I really see myself staying here, pounding away at this job trying to get outside of this tiny box I've been place in (not even a metaphor for my cubicle however it is a box). Do I really see myself spending what could possibly be the best years of my life here, behind these walls doing this everyday until I die? Is this where I want to live? Are these the things I want to do with the rest of my days?
I don't see it...but the problem is I don't know what IT is. I just know at this point, at this place - this is NOT it.
I'm feeling worn by my own life. I told someone a few minutes ago as we were discussing how nice it was to have an extra day off, I felt like I had to come back to work to get into a routine because I was afraid I could easily become a recluse. I could lock myself away in my apartment, get 12 cats and begin to have my groceries delivered and never leave my house again. She laughed and said - have you met you? That would never happen. But I think it could.
I recently watched the documentary Grey Gardens - this film depicts the everyday lives of the two women, a reclusive socialite mother and her daughter who lived at their decrepit mansion in East Hampton New York, they were distant relatives of the Kennedy's and they lived in squalor. They become separated from society as we know it and they lived in their own crazy little bubble. I could easily see that happening to me if I let it. Sometimes it's nice to live in my own crazy world I've created for myself. It's easier to live in the memories of how things were because it's much better than reality...right?
In the here and now there are everyday battles to fight, small battles on a daily basis. Stupid battles really like which word works better in a sentence, or what picture to use with a story, being on time for meetings, putting gas in the car....small battles you have to deal with that if you locked yourself up in your own skewed bubble of a world, no one could dispute you. You could live the kind of life you wanted without any issues. Sleep all day, watch terrible TV, carry on conversations with your cats and you would always be right. You would always have control and you wouldn't have to worry about anything. It kind of sounds like a delightful way to live. Right?
Lately I've been thinking a lot about packing up my life and moving away. To just put into my car all that will fit and just drive away to another place, another life, another reality. I guess it's a good thought but I guess it's not really possible. It's a nice dream but the reality is you can't run away from your life. You have to learn ways to deal with and accept the life you have. It's exhausting some days but overall, it's worth it....right? Family, friends, lovers, haters......it's all part of who we are, who we have become and who we continue to stay.
I often have a skewed vision of my own life. I think from the outside it seems so much more exciting and amazing than it is...like a dress on a mannequin in a store front window. It looks so pretty and appears to be amazing and you are convinced it's THE dress to have. Then when you buy it, you find out it's so uncomfortable and itchy and overall it's just not the dress you thought it was or should be. You can take the dress back but when it's your life you're kind of stuck with it. How do you hem that? Alter that? Make it work?
Clearly cats aren't the answer.
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