Everything is going to be alright

I love that saying....Everything is alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end.

It's never too late in life to revise, to restart to begin again. I got a book for my birthday called Do-Over. A 48 year old father of three returns to kindergarden, summer camp, the prom and other moments in time that usually define who we are or who we become.

He begins by talking about when kids shout "do-over" and just like magic they get to begin again. Just like crossing your fingers you didn't mean it, it didn't go well and you need a re-do. I love this story my sister tells of time she spent with my 6 year old nephew. They were at the zoo and she said to him that we will ride some rides on the way out...he asked her if she promised and she said yes, I promise. So they enjoyed the zoo and as she promised they stopped on the way out to ride some rides. His eyes lit up when he saw the games as well and she said you have a choice, we can either ride rides or play games. He thought about it and chose the games. After they played their money's worth of games my nephew said "um, I meant I wanted to ride rides". Do-over. Can it really be that easy?

I embraced this thought early on in this year when my New Years celebration left me a little disappointed. I declared a New Years re-do and thankfully I have some amazing friends who joined in the re-do with me and it was much better. Why don't we all have a re-do button on our own lives? Why does it have to change when we become adults? Does it have to change? Who makes those rules?

The author of this book talks about reevaluating what you think you've left bedind as a way to find out who you are now and thus put into things into perspective. Who we are now is a result of all we have been through, our life experiences, the mistakes we've made, the great moments we've enjoiyed. The secret is not to let those control us, to define us now or to stop us. How do we move, learn and grow from all that?

He suggests creating a do-over list, a list of things you want to re-do or possibly even do for the first time. I have kind of done this but clearly I need to read more of this book to discover how to not only do this but how to execute the re-do portion of this process.

If it were that easy I'm sure we would all do this every day....right? I know I would. There is so much about my younger self I would like to re-do. Like my first boyfriend.....I wish I would have understood way back then that someone who likes to swallow lighter fluid and then breath fire at your sisters is not as impressive as it seemed at the time. Or to make better fashion choices earlier on so I don't cringe looking at those pictures of myself...jesh...who really thought super furry socks were the IN look? Yesh.

I guess it's time to listen to your heart, to look inside and see what it is that makes you tick and if you aren't finding it then get that list going and start checking things off.

Great Moments

Life moves so fast and changes with the blink of an eye.

That old saying You don't know what you got til it's gone couldn't be more true. When a huge, life altering event happens such as a death, a divorce or loss of a job, one tends to reflect back and remember the good moments, the good things, the positives of the time spent. Why can't we remember that on a daily basis? How do you learn to be thankful for what you have right in front of you. This very moment, this day...how do you learn to live in these great moments?

There is so much pain and suffering all around, not just physically but mentally as well. We are in constant turmoil in life and if you can find some peace and escape from it why don't we give ourselves every opportunity to do that? There are some people that are in a constant state of agitation or stress and I think does that really help? Is that really necessary? Does that make the situation your facing better....really?

I am just as guilty of those moments as anyone...I accept that. I have been thinking about how fast relationships in my life change. How quickly they go from nothing to something and from something to nothing. There are people I don't even see or talk to hardly at all anymore that I used to be connected with hourly or at the very least daily. It's sad to me how quickly things change and how fast something new goes away. Why don't the good things ever last?

How do we understand these moments when they are happening and find ways to keep them, to hold them close, to really enjoy and cherish them? How do we only notice them when they are gone?

Being Bored

Is there a difference between being bored having nothing to do? Are they really the same thing? Sometimes we find ourselves with nothing to do but does that mean we are bored?

As I laid by the pool yesterday, really enjoying myself like a lizard on a beach, I thought about this. Often when we have nothing to do we claim to be "bored". I think it's hard for most people (it can't just be me...right?) to learn how to stop and experience life without the distraction of a never-ending to-do list. Most of my days have been focused on feeling overwhelmed and yet at the same time, scared and uncomfortable with downtime.

If you ask people about their about their own ability to slow down and do nothing, you start to realize it's not easy for most people to do this. To stop and be still. The minute they have extra time on their hands, they feel bored and thus uncomfortable and immediately they search for something to do to fill the time. Anything. At least that's how I have been feeling.

The problem is that no matter what I seem to do, I can't seem to stop that feeling from coming back again and again. In this adrenaline-fueled society, learning to do nothing is really a difficult thing to do. I imagine just like anything else, with practice, hopefully one can discover that feelings of boredom can easily be changed into a sense of peace and serenity - at least that's what I am guessing can happen if you learn to channel it differently.

How does one master the art of being bored? How do you get to that place where you can push through to the other sided and enjoy peace of mind, something I think we all long for. I imagine to do this one has to create space in their own lives. To open up their schedules, figure out ways to let go of things that don't really matter. How do you learn to shut off your drive and the relentless pursuit of the elusive goal of being OK with being alone? How do you get to that authentic place?

I think that learning to be bored is much like learning to meditate. You need to hang on through a period of restlessness before you can experience the benefits. Once you get used to it, you not only learn to relax but you get to that point where you can learn to see past the here and now. You learn to enjoy your own company. Possibly you even figure out how to be less impulsive so you can make better decisions.

Obviously this doesn't happen overnight and there is no pill to take but as we learn to be OK with being "bored" it will get easier and feel more natural. I imagine the feelings that everyone else is getting ahead or that we are missing out on something bigger and better will evaporate as well.

These typical fear-based thoughts will always try to come to the surface and try to make you "do something". The plan is to learn to make space in your life, to be good at being bored, only then will be be able to connect with our own true authentic self.

Once you get good at being bored and are able to maintain a reserve of space in your own life, the Universe will draw people to you, opportunities will come and soon you won't even remember how you lived life before you accepted and embraced the bored part of life.

Give boredom a try, start making space in your life and see what happens. I know I am going to try it, sure can't hurt.

Learning to be alone

I am not an "alone" type person. Well that's not 100% true. In the big picture I don't enjoy it, in small doses, I adore it, crave it even. After a long weekend with people I love coming home to the quiet emptiness of my own home. On a daily basis, however, I hate it.

As I laid by the pool yesterday trying to soak up some sun, alone, I thought a lot about this. I thought how hard I try to NOT be alone....it's a desperate attempt to avoid being alone with my own thoughts. I engulf myself with friends, new and old, to avoid being alone. I realized yesterday that I am not really making changes in my own life as much as I am just trying to "absorb" what I need from others and thus when they move on, when they change, when they do what they need to do for themselves, I am left behind.

I feel alone, empty and sad because all I'm doing is just sort of skimming the surface of my own life and not really living. When I am not able to do that I have to find new friends, or new people to absorb energy from and it keeps changing, keeps evolving but always with the same outcome...me alone and not liking it.

I need to figure out HOW to be alone. To be with just me and be OK with it. To not rely on anyone else to fill that void, empty, hallow feeling in my soul. It's not a bad thing really, but it feels like a bad thing to me. I associate being alone with some kind of negativeness. Maybe because I think if you are alone it means no one wants to be with you....near you.....to hang out with you and you are not worthy of anyone else's time. I want to be the person people want to be with....to hang out with, to spend time with but I never feel like THAT person.

How do you learn to be alone? Why does being alone feel so negative to me? I tried yesterday to do things on my own without "needing" anyone around me. I went shopping, I sat and had coffee and then I laid by the pool with just me....no texting, not talking.....nothing. It should have been enjoyable, it should have been energizing, it should have been.....a good thing, but honestly, it did none of those things for me. Ugh. I realize it's not an overnight, flip a switch type of thing but yikes....this process is gonna kinda suck.

I know we all need to re-energize ourself, we need to go "inside" and figure out who we are and what we want but what if we don't have the capability to do that? What if you can't "go inside"? Do you just lose out? Aren't there other options? Aren't there other ways to figure it all out? There can't be just one way to do things....right?

We have to learn to be alone with ourselves, we have to learn to like who we are and if we don't, then we have to figure out how to change those things to make us become the person we can stand to be alone with. Maybe that's it.....maybe I can't stand the person I am therefore I can't be alone with me. Hard work equals success right....so if it were easy it wouldn't be worth it.

Not that girl

I'm never THAT girl. Never the one people seek out, never the one people want to be with, never the one people meet, look at and think I want to be HER. I'll never be that girl. I am mostly OK with that....but just once I kinda wanna be THAT girl..,,,.just for a moment. Is that so wrong?

There are lots of those girls out there.....I wonder if they realize that about themselves. Do they know they have IT? I wonder.

I watched this couple the other night....they were probably in their late 80's and they were out to dinner and they sat across from each other and as they ate they held one hand....just simply and gently across the table, no big production about it, just simply stretched out across the table and it was almost as if they didn't realize they were doing it. They ate dinner, talked and it was just simple and kind. It made me really miss my own grandparents. Not that they ever did that but it made me miss them terribly for a moment.

They loved each other deeply and yet they fought like fiends, it was almost comical. My grandfather would say it's cloudy and my grandmother would yell IT'S SUNNY.....always opposites and yet they had that base, that core, that unyielding love at the core of their souls. You could see it, you could feel it....it's something you don't see anymore. People don't seem to have that level of love and connectedness that they used to.

Sure people fall in and out of love all the time but there is something different about the way people used to be in love and stay married. They toughed out the hard times, they fought out loud and they didn't walk away when things got hard or tough. I miss that about my grandparents. There were moments you'd catch them being super sweet to each other like when he'd call her "my Annie". It was so endearing and I bet it made her heart stop just a little each time he did that.

I get worried that I'll become one of those bitter crazy old people you see in the malls. The ones that just fix the front side of their hair and leave the back all crazy bed head and there's always a streak of lipstick across their front tooth that they are oblivious to.

Oh God, I'm going to have to get people in my life so I don't end up like that person.

Oh dear...I don't want to be THAT girl.

These times are tough

I did a job fair yesterday, well I staffed a booth there and it was really rather a sad place to be. You would think it wouldn't be so depressing but to hear story after story from people about how they never saw their layoff coming is really very sad. Some folks were very bitter either because that's how they are normally or because it's still rather fresh. I am not blaming them, it would be HORRIBLE to be in that position. Some have families and you can could just see by the looks on their faces the level of desperation. They weren't all bad however, there was the select few, the chosen ones who you could tell never really plan to be employed ever again. They are just going to sit back and take unemployment as long as they possibly can and they seemed absolutely OK with that. That was a little sad to me as well.

I know we shouldn't wrap our identity up in our jobs or in our work but when you are out of a job, when you are fighting against the odds to support your family I imagine it's almost impossible to NOT do that. I forget that on a daily basis. I forget how lucky I am that I have a job that is, as far as I can tell, secure. I have had some scares but overall I think I am not going anywhere....at least at this point.

The look in these people's eyes stays with me...they were/are so desperate, sad, hopeful. There were some people I talked to that I would give a job to in a minute, others not so much. I believe attitude is everything and I know it's got to be exhausting and frustrating looking for a job but some of these people didn't even put any effort into their appearance. They totally were like eh.....take me or leave me. It's funny, I know we all have days like that but if you are trying to edge yourself ahead of the herd, try a little.

We are always under construction. If we aren't trying to add or hone our current skills then we are adjusting and figuring out new ones. It's almost like we should be covered in orange cones all the time. How we change and what we decide to do is always up to us. We can choose that glass to be half full or half empty. Some days it feels like there is a tiny pin hole leak in it but overall, we get to decide it.

I'm trying to read the book right now The Last Lecture. It's challenging because it's written by a Randy Pausch, who has now since passed, but it was written when he full well knew he was dying. His time was short and he had accepted it, I mean what else can one do? It's hard because I'm trying to read it at work and it's rather emotional. I keep comparing what he is saying to what I am feeling in my own life and it seems so insignificant. I think how petty the things I am worried about, things that keep me up at night, all that I want to do and be and here is a man facing his very very short life. It's hard to not feel a little guilty about my own life.

My favorite quote in the book so far is "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you". He says that when you are frustrated or upset with people it just may be because you haven't given them enough time. It takes great patience.....just keep waiting, it will come. Just wait for it!!!

Can you have it all?

Relax. Breathe in deep. Hold it. Let it out. Loosen your shoulders. Smile. Close your eyes. You'll be surprised at how many voices you'll hear, whispering sweet encouragement into your ear.

Be still, be calm, and listen. You'll find there's nowhere you can't go, no challenge you can't master, and no reason whatsoever that you can't
have it all.

Kissey, kissey, you can do it -
The Universe

Breathe. Just breathe. It's amazing how something so simple, so uncomplicated can change the way you think, feel and act. In times of stress sometimes a deep, cleansing breathe can make all the difference.

One of my favorite things to do is to lay by the pool and soak up some sun. To shut my mind off and just lay pool side listening to the birds, the wind and maybe some gossip that seems to happen pool side. The weather this year has not really cooperated with this goal of mine. I had an entire week off in July that was cloudy every day....every single day!! I need the sun. I need color. I need that time to lay like a lizard in the sun forgetting all the cares of the world. Everyday that I have the ability to have time off, it seems to be cloudy...does Mother Nature really hate me that much??

It's funny, I never thought I was one to be alone, to be quiet, to enjoy solitude but lately I'm wondering if I don't need to do that. NEED being the key word. I'm really good at being busy, at doing things, at finding things to keep my mind busy but I am wondering if my body is trying to tell me to try something else. My back has been bothering me for a few days now just out of the blue. It's like it's tired of the way things have been going so it's going to change gears on me and make me do something else.

Isn't it strange when our own bodies turn on us, they work against us instead of with us. I think it's only going to get worse as I get older too. Some times when I spend a lot of the day typing my wrists hurt and my eyes feel a little buggy....it's happening in small doses everyday right now. I can't imagine what another 5 years will bring my way. It sucks to get old.