Friendships

People matter. No person is an island, and we need connections with others to keep us motivated and to help us grow. I’ve recently re-adjusted my scope and definition of valued friendships.

Friends have always been important to me. People I can be my true self with, people who "get me" on a deeper level. People both personally and professionally I can turn to, and I'm lucky, I'm one of those people that makes friends pretty easily. I am of the notion that to have friends, you much be a friend. This is a strong belief of mine, a belief that it’s as important to me as any other facet in my life. I've always placed more value on my personal friendships, and usually frowned on the groups of colleagues who travel together in packs or just hit the town on holidays or weekends. There is more value in a friendship to me than an occasional let's go out and party kind of friend.

I'm slowly discovering, however, that personal friendships aren't always fulfilling. I’m happy for my friends and their own lives, and I make the effort to celebrate them when things happen and mostly they celebrate mine—the birthdays, the girls' nights out, the boyfriend issues and just plain old hanging out fun. But I feel like I've reached a pinnacle point in my life however, where I want more. I need more, I feel like I deserve more than I get and it's frustrating. I feel like I am the one giving all the time....always the one going to them, picking them up, doing what they want, spending time with them AND their families and I want to say what about me? What about spending time with ME? What about doing what I want? What I need? How about hanging out or talking or doing things we used to like doing. What happened to spending time with your friends?

Selfish? Perhaps. But I feel so disappointed from a personal standpoint, because I feel like it's time to cultivate friendships that are more of an equal spilt. I can't always be the one calling, planning, texting, asking to spend time with you. They have to want it to. I can't be the one put on the back burner all the time until they decide they need me, or need something from me. I need more. I desreve their time, attention and support.

Stubborn? Sure. Perhaps. There is a chasm between my definition of personal happiness, and those of my wider set of friends: Mine includes my career. I’m convinced, for instance, that if I had news to share of a marriage or a pregnancy, I would be accepted into the bigger picture, but because that is not my chosen life path, crickets. I shouldn't have to fight to spend time with the people I enjoy spending time with. I shouldn't have to always have conditions put on my time with my friends. I don't sit around waiting for them to finally decide to include me. I am out searching, cultivating, building new friendships who help fill that void. I can't be the "on call" friend. I can't do part time.

I guess it's time I figure out where my personal fulfillment really comes from. There are really two parts to it, personal and professional. On the professional front my peers provide a lot of my day to day interaction and social activities. I need them, and there is a good chance they need me, too - even if they don't realize it. Personally, I have to stop trying to make those people who have chosen different paths to come walk on my path with me, I have to let them go down their road without me and hope that someday, some time they will miss me an come back.

So, on the eve of yet another milestone of life, I must reflect and decide which friendships I invest my time and energy to and which I need to let go. I need to be sure I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”–Ralph Waldo Emerson