In someone else's eyes

Just like Alice in Wonderland through the looking glass everything seems better on the other side. When looking at life through someone else's glasses things seem....different, better, possible.

In someone else's eyes I am not who I really am. I am so much more that I will ever be. I am this amazing person...someone with possibility, hope, drive, aspirations to change the world, but the reality is....I am just me....just this person who wakes up everyday hoping today will be better than yesterday and hoping that at some point today, I find my reason.

I look at others and do the same thing. I think "man, what I wouldn't give for that life". "If I had THAT I would be happy" or "if I lived there I'd be content" and for sure "if I drove that I'd be someone"...but the reality it....I am all that...now, with what I have and where I live and what I own. I have so much more than I even realize....yet somehow, some days, it just doesn't seem like enough.

I went to my boss's daughters senior recital. She is 17/18 years old and just getting ready to enter the real world on her own, going off to college later this year armed with all the ambition and amazing, surreal talent and it kind of stunned me how much talent one person can have. She has the world at her fingertips right now and all she has to do is just keep moving towards it with open arms. I see amazing things in her future. It made me wonder, did I ever have that kind of a moment? Did anyone ever look at me and think I could change the world? Did I ever have the world at my fingertips and all I had to do was move towards it with open arms or has it been this elusive, moving, merry go round of a thing that no matter how much I move or try to get there, it has always just been out of my reach.

Potential. It's amazing when someone has it. I think we all have it, it's just how much effort are we willing to put towards making it happen? As you get older and start to have what I like to call "life disappointments" it wears you down. As I get older I feel my "potential" slipping away from me, out of my control and out of my grasp. Is it because I'm too tired to fight the fight any more or is it that I've just come to accept myself as I am?

What does it all come down to? Do we become who we need to become because of the people we surround ourselves with? Do our friends and loved ones push us to that next level? Do they help raise us up to be more than we thought we could be? Is it because they believe in us? They support us and give us that extra umpf we need to go that extra mile or is it already there, hidden deep inside us just waiting for us to realize it for ourselves? Do we need anyone else to be more than we thought we could?

Something has changed in me. Something over the last year or so has changed inside my soul that is blocking me, stopping me from experiencing life and living the way I want to because I find myself needing/wanting/waiting for someone else to do this with. I feel the need to have another person with me, to be accountable to, to spend my days with and it's really strange. I have never been that person that needed anyone to do do things for me or with me but suddenly, things have shifted. I no longer feel like I can survive alone...yet the people I am choosing to let into my life aren't there for long term. They are just killing time until something better comes along...and I know this because as soon as it does, I am not necessary in their lives. I become the "back burner" friend/partner. The one they can call to help them move, or to babysit, or to comfort them when something goes wrong but I am not the "one".

I am not necessary to anyone other than myself. I get that, we all should be that way, but it's an odd realization when you actually realize it. When it becomes your reality. I can't blame people however, becaus I have allowed this to happen. I have allowed myself to play that role so in part, it is my own doing. There is no logic in life.

We surround ourselves with things that make us feel.....pictures that make us smile, clothes that make us feel good, shoes that make us feel like rock stars and people that help fill those little tiny holes inside of us that we can't seem to do ourselves. What happens when there are no more spots to be filled? Do we get rid of the old and get new or do we just keep layering them on, hoping that we have a spare in case of an emergency?

In someone else's eyes, I have it all. Now I just have to decide where to go with it.