You know that sound your breath makes when you lie floating in the tub or some kind of water where you just sort of float with your head half way in the water, up to your ears and the world gets really, really quiet and all you hear is the sound of your own breath. It's like the entire world has shut down on you. The sun beats down on you warm and soothing and all you hear is the sound of your own breath. I would like to capture that moment, that feeling and use it when I need it during any given week day.
I realized after having an entire week off both jobs how quiet a person can be. I worked really hard at not filling up my days with stuff. I did a little bit each day that incorporated time with friends but made sure I had lots of me time, uninterrupted time to think and plan and....clean out the cobweb's. Not sure I completed the task 100% but I feel like it was a really good start.
I've come to realize something rather interesting over my time off. Change is always difficult. Especially when it's not me making the change. Sometimes we make the choice to change something in our lives like we choose to stop drinking coffee or stop hanging out with those people who we feel no longer have things in common with or quit some bad habit. But when we don't make the choice ourselves, it's harder to process and deal with.
When you are used to hanging out with a friend pretty much at the drop of a hat, a person you know you can always count on to be your partner in crime and suddenly they make different choices in their life like getting a new partner or a new job or they move away - you're left out in the cold. Your left alone and without getting to make the choice, you no longer have the ying to your yang. It's a little hard to swallow sometimes. Like all of a sudden the things you wanted to do with this person are no longer an option because they can't really give you the time anymore, your not their priority, your not the one they want to spend their time with anymore, your the one left alone wondering where you friend has gone and they go on, obliviously unaware of the empty spot they've now left in your life. It's hard to be the one left by the curbside as they move on with their life. Sure you get the occasional call to do something but it's no longer the same, it's no longer the batman and robin relationship you had. Someone always feels left out in the end. I'm just tired of it being me.
It's funny how much changes in one year. Last year at this time my life was so different. It felt like there was so much more good happening, so many more possibilities at my fingertips and barely one year later it's like I'm standing on a deserted street and giant tumbleweeds are blowing across the road.....ghost town. How does that happen so fast?
This week gave me a chance to look at my own life, my priorities, my wants and my own needs and to try to put them all in perspective and it's a little surprising where everything seems to land. I was telling a friend of mine that I feel lately like a square peg trying to squeeze into a round hole...or is it visa verse? Either way, it feels like there isn't a place I just naturally fit.
It feels like a bad Dr. Suess book. The one thing I've really learned from my Yoga class is how important breathing is. Not just for the obvious reasons like keeping myself alive but how becoming aware of your own breath and how sometimes just focusing on it can make a huge difference. In quiet moments and in the midst of chaos, just focusing on controlling what little things I can really helps me get back to my center, to my core and think. I realize that's something I've been avoiding doing lately...I've been to busy or distracted to really spend anytime thinking. I went for a walk by myself on Friday and found myself really focusing on my breath and my own thoughts and I gotta say, it's kind of a lot to process.
So....just breathe.....that's going to be my mantra.....focus on the breath and the rest will fall into place.
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