Life's Direction

I think sometimes rainy weather causes one to think about things on a deeper level. Or maybe the rain just helps bring out the stuff we tend to stuff so far down us that a sunny day seems to make everything feel ok?

But today, in honor of this rainy day, I feel like letting it out.

Sometimes I feel like my life is like the sail of a boat - sometimes it's full and moving full steam ahead and other times it's like there is no breeze and my sail is hanging useless and I don't move at all.

To add another analogy to it - I feel like I am walking in quicksand these days. It's like I'm trying to go forward but I can't lift my feet enough to actually get moving. Is it the change of seasons? School is really really frustrating me right now. I'm paying good money and I don't feel like it's a great return on my investment...and when I call the school to try to talk to someone about it I get no response. Work is really really unsatisfying and really really not challenging me at all and mix all that in with my pretty much nonexistent my personal life Ugh. Don't even get me started on that. It's just...boring. Nothing really going on and it's boring me. If I were a TV show I'd shut me off or cancel it.

How does one go about recharging their own life? I am bored with myself...nothing new I do seems to add that va va voom I crave. Oh God, am I now boring? Have I reached the point where I no longer have any value to add? Wow....that's a little scary to think about. I know it comes at some point for everyone but I thought I might have some years before that actually happened. Can a person really run out of a way to add value to their own life? I feel really unmotivated these days to even do anything creative - not a good sign. Of course it doesn't help that I've been spending an obscene amount of time trying to transfer music from my Mac to my PC and it of course didn't work...what the...........ugh.

I remember being in my 20's thinking I had my whole life figured out. Remember shiny new shoes, sharp new pencils and the wonderful 64 crayon Crayola box with the built-in sharpener? Where have the simple joys gone to? I think as we get older we tend to analyze our life more, try to figure out why we aren't happier or where it is in life we think we should be. Is anyone really at a point in their life where they say THIS IS IT!? I've had moments....like when I was lying on the beach in Mexico or doing something super fabulous...I've thought THIS S IS IT. This is how I want to spend the rest of my days. Does that feeling really ever stay with a person? A better question is would we want it to? I mean if it does, what do we have to strive for then? I love rainy days. Feels like it washes the cob webs out of my noggin.

Life lessons learned in the oddest places

Life is so short...we all know that. You got to live each day like it's your last. Eat dessert first. Say what you mean, mean what you say. All good things to keep in mind as we navigate our lives. Sometimes one learns life lessons in the most random places. Like in a dressing room trying on a new hot pink bra.

Some people feel like they are soooo important that everyone must bear witness to the madness that is their own life. The other day I decided it was time for new undergarments....yeah it's a splurge purchase because who really wants to spend money on something on one really see's? Well until it's hanging out at the wrong times but mostly no one sees it. So I decide it was time to get the girls up where they belong so I go off on my adventure. As I was in the fitting room trying on my possible new purchases these two ladies in the room next to me were discussing their current "issues" and got me to thinking. At what cost do we give up ourselves all for the possibility of being loved by another?

They were talking about going out and girl A was saying she was really stressed because her boy hasn't worked in almost 3 months but according to their conversation they spend pretty much every weekend getting trashed and fighting. She was sick of supporting him and his two kids from a previous relationship and she had half a mind to quit her 2nd job. So what I gathered is she works 2 jobs to support him and his two kids. Friend B was telling her she should get out and meet someone new. Umm, how exactly is that going to work if boyfriend and his two kids are staying with you?

My immediate thought was wow...they are so young, they have sooooo much to learn but when I bumped into them as we were both leaving the fitting area these women were my age if not older. Seriously....my age! Wow. At this point in life you would really give up so quickly and settle for that kind of a life. Then I wondered would I? Wow. I realize the heart wants what the heart wants but at some point dumb ass has to play into it. I mean come on...what does she really expect to get out of that relationship? Clearly she is past child bearing age, she didn't seem particularly stupid although staying in that relationship is not the brightest move. What could she possibly be getting out of that relationship?

It must be a full moon or something because I just overheard this woman talking about her wedding that is coming up in Oct. and how much they have spent on it. JESUS GOD - $22,000 is the total. Say that with me $22,000. That's insane! That's the price of a car, or a mobile home....this is for ONE DAY! Her dress alone was $7,000. Who has $7,000 to spend on a white dress some one is going to spill food on or worse yet step on while you are dancing. Good Lord. I don't get it....what's wrong with eloping to Vegas?

The cost of being loved is really outrageous.

What are willing to give up to be in a relationship? I realize it's a form of give and take but it seems like some people are willing to pay a hefty price to be considered a couple. How much work is that to change yourself to fit into a "we". There is this older couple in my building who are always holding hands and I wonder - how do they do it. They seem to like each other, they appear to be happy, not like all giddy I'm in love happy, but content, satisfied, even comfortable happy. What is that secret? Did they have to get though all the drama and crap to get to that point or is there that one soul that you just fit with...that when you reach out your hand you don't even have to look, you just know theirs will be there. Sign me up for that.

Weekends and crabby people

What is it about a weekend that makes people so unhappy? I mean really, at 7:45am what could possibly make someone so incredibly unpleasant? Spend a good portion of my day today being crabbed at for various reasons: why isn't the coffee in the party room? you can't put that sign up here. why is the mail so late? why did you lock the door? blah blah blah. Jesus...do people realize they live in an apt. complex and not some 5 star resort where we as staff are not here to serve their every little whim. JESUS GOD!

It doesn't help that the office is like 900 degree's. There is no air circulation in this little office and I am tired of sweating like a freaking monkey. God lord, get me some air. I think I need to buy a fan for in here.

Last night at about 11:30 there was this knocking at my door....I was still up and thought...did someone just knock at my door? So I went to look out my peep hole - two younger guys were standing there with flowers in their hand and a bottle of wine...my first thought was WOO HOO...then I was like wait...I don't know anyone who would do that. So in all my evening glory I opened the door and said...um I think you are at the wrong apt unless I'm dreaming. Hee hee. I made them blush. They were very apologetic and very sweet.....but sadly I sent them away. I wonder who they were going to see with wine and flowers on a Friday night so late!

Weekends go by too fast. I always try to pack so much into the small amt of free time I have but it never seems to be enough time to get everything done. Things that don't really HAVE to be done but should be like cleaning, laundry, sorting through and trashing the extra crap I seemed to have accumulated. Where does this stuff come from and why do I think I need to hang on to it. It's not like I really have a need for these things....like Mardi Gra beads..why do I need 20 necklaces? I did clean out my closets last week (had a very productive Friday off work) and donated lots of things I don't wear or use at least in terms of clothes. Wish I could do that with other parts of my life.

I realize with age comes some form of crabbiness...but lately I really find myself encountering more and more really crabby people and I think it's kind of contagious. I really don't enjoy being surrounded by a whole bunch of people...it actually something I completely want to avoid. Old age or crabbiness...maybe a mix of both.

Being alone

I've never liked being alone. I don't like eating alone, going to movies alone, shopping alone...well I kinda like shopping alone, cooking alone or just plain being alone. I'm not good at it, I don't enjoy it....and frankly I just don't get it. Back a few months ago I found myself in a new situation I haven't been in for a long time...free time.

Wow...what does one do with that? I had a mild panic attack. I've always been the type of person to have things to do...I like it. I enjoy having things to do and places to go, mostly I like it because then I'm not alone. Not that I have a fear of being alone, I just don't like it. Being in school provides me with an opportunity to spend a good bulk of my time doing homework - either on line or at the library or even hanging out at a coffee shop but now that I've got wireless internet at home, I really don't even need to get dressed to do homework. Of course I don't make coffee at home either so it kind of defeats the purpose of having coffee while I do homework (even if it is decaf) but regardless, again I don't have to be alone.

I have recently learned the joys of some quiet time, I accept that, I even crave that but that is completely different from being alone. Maybe it's my perception but it feels different to me. Quiet time is something I can do for awhile and then reconnect with people. Like when we were way up north at my friends cabin. I was there with people and yet I had these few hours alone and it was bliss...peaceful and magical. But when I was done, I had people right there with me again...it was perfect. My friend makes fun of me - mocking me that I HAVE to fill up all my open time with stuff to do. He seems to think it's a bad thing, I think it's a good thing. I like being busy, I like having things to do and I especially enjoy new things and people. Like most things in life I get bored with the same old same old...I need new interesting things to keep me engaged. I never understand those people who come home and plant themselves in front of a tv for 4 hrs and then go to bed just to get up and do it all over again the next day. Just not for me.

I've decided recently that I really want to learn to cook...not just a pot roast kind of cooking but really interesting cooking. More advanced, challenging type of cooking. I want to experiment with some new foods and some new things. Maybe if I find stuff to do like that I won't hate being alone so much. I guess time will tell.

Waltzing with death

Aren't we all doing this everyday? We take meds to control high blood pressure, go to the doctor, take pills, have surgeries...isn't every day really a waltz with death? I thought about this as I drove into work this morning and found the sky filled with helicopters in honor of the 35W Bridge reopening today. It was sort of surreal to see so many helicopters floating over the city, almost distracting really. It was a surreal drive into downtown. It seemed to me like traffic flowed much better than normal...possibly because people could finally use a major bridge that has been closed for so long or that people just seemed to be running late, either way my drive in was unusually pleasant.

13 months goes by in the blink of an eye doesn't it? I mean it was just 13 months ago that bridge went down changing peoples lives and making history. Since then there has been major focus on other bridges throughout the state and the fixing of them. It's sort of sad that we as a society wait until something terrible happens to fix something that should never have broke. Like car maintenance, why do we not keep up on the little things along the way? All of a sudden you get socked with a bunch of major issues because one thing goes and takes everything with it. It seems easy in hindsight to say these things but really we have to make more of an effort.

We lost a member of our family yesterday, my sister's family had to put down their dog Hunter. It's very sad. She is going to be sorely missed but I know she is going to be getting belly rubs and treats all day long now but it's really sad. I can't imagine her not being there.

Waltzing with death....it's a daily battle.

Bumps in the road

Bumps in the road make us who we are as a person. We start out in life with no real direction, we as children, rely on our parents or some other adult, to guide us, to show us the way. We learn our values and self worth through our interaction with them and the world. At some point in our adult lives we come to the realization that we are who we have created and depending on the people you have surrounded yourself with that may be OK. If you are happy and OK with who you are and where you are at in life then great and kudo's to you- but if you are like most everyone else - someone or lots of someone's are telling you that who you are is wrong, who you have become and the path you are on is wrong and you must change to move forward.

That sucks.

For me personally I've spent a good 40 plus years trying different paths...I feel like Goldilocks - this one's too hard, this one's too boring...this one will kill me....where is the right path? Is there a right path and is it even reasonable to think I'll discover it?

Bumps in the road, that's what we label the icky parts of our lives. The parts that make you scream WHAT WAS I THINKING! Those moments shouldn't come too often but it seems like if you focus on the "bumps" that is all you seem to be encountering. I freaking hate the bumps in the road. I am almost done with school and I thought that as my degree completion got closer I'd somehow discover the answer to my eternal question: What is it that I want to do? When I think about that, it doesn't seem any clearer than when I started. I always think that magically things will get better, that they will change on their own. It doesn't seem to happen yet I always expect it to.

Stupid Hallmark Christmas.

Pink has a song called I'm a Hazard to Myself....talks about having to change everything about yourself to be who you think you want to be. We become our own worst enemy.....why do we think we have to change who we are? We are such complicated individuals aren't we. I think most of the time I don't really care what people think about me but then some sort of insecurity creeps in and I get all paranoid and think I have to change things about myself....really I don't have to I just think I need to. If I was hurting people or myself I can see making changes but just because someone may not like something about me is that really a reason to change?

This morning something really unusual happened to me...it's something I've seen happen to other people and even seen in the movies but it actually happened to me and it really made me sort of have hope again in humanity. I was standing in line in the cafeteria and this man in line in front of me bought my coffee (yes it was decaf!!) and I was so shocked by this random act of kindness I didn't quite know how to react. I stood there in complete bewilderment just staring at him....I almost hugged him. I of course thanked him profusely and he smiled and walked away. What a magical way to start a random Wednesday! No bump in the road today.

You don't have to be thin to be gorgeous

at least that's what Oprah says.....and Oprah is a God! I can hardly wait each month for her magazine, I love it. She is smart, funny and really seems to know what women need to hear. I so want to be her when I grow up!

Funny though.....society sort of makes us feel like thin is in...you are only worthy of being loved if you are a skinny thing. My grandma used to have a saying that I didn't really understand at the time but I really adore it now. She used to say "don't nobody want skin and bones but a dog and they just bury them" - such wise words. Of course she is the same woman that used to tell me that if she could fill my nose with nickels she'd be rich so I guess take it for what it's worth.

Maybe it's the change in season or something in the air but lately it seems people have been asking me more and more about my "skinny" friends. Is she seeing anyone, will she go out with me? Ask her if she wants to have lunch with me...and worst of all to see them moon over these girls, who by the way they have NO shot at...jesh! What is the attraction to a skinny girl anyway? I mean come on...they are tiny, they mostly don't eat, and honestly.....what is so attractive about all that? I realize I'll never be a magazine cover model but I am a pretty good conversationalist, I like to go out to eat and I am not afraid to just be me...why isn't that attractive? I don't get it. Maybe because I'm on the other side but really....stop asking me if my skinny friends are available!

Oprah says anyone can be gorgeous if you dress right...I guess I can see that. I know when I have on the right outfit I feel pretty darn good. Especially the right outfit with the right pair of shoes....if I could only get my hair to cooperate I'd be a rock star. I don't know that I have the income to dress like that but it's fun when you can find a deal.

Last night I was grocery shopping (because I don't have a wife and I have to) and I was noticing how many men grocery shop. I don't know that I really ever noticed that before but it seemed like there were a lot of men doing the shopping...how does that work? I got the giggles in the frozen meal section because there was this man who was like a blue collar worker (I imagined he was an auto mechanic or a construction worker) he was staring intently into the frozen pizza cooler with this completely deep in thought face like "do I want deluxe or just sausage? Do I want the all organic veggie soy cheese low carb pizza or the greasy meaty pizza." Ha ha...I then saw him in the cereal aisle with a similar look trying to figure out what cereal to purchase.

It's hard to make decisions on your own....at least food wise. I always have issues. I really need a wife...or at least someone to do the cooking and cleaning for me. I wonder if Oprah has an article on that.