Being alone

I've never liked being alone. I don't like eating alone, going to movies alone, shopping alone...well I kinda like shopping alone, cooking alone or just plain being alone. I'm not good at it, I don't enjoy it....and frankly I just don't get it. Back a few months ago I found myself in a new situation I haven't been in for a long time...free time.

Wow...what does one do with that? I had a mild panic attack. I've always been the type of person to have things to do...I like it. I enjoy having things to do and places to go, mostly I like it because then I'm not alone. Not that I have a fear of being alone, I just don't like it. Being in school provides me with an opportunity to spend a good bulk of my time doing homework - either on line or at the library or even hanging out at a coffee shop but now that I've got wireless internet at home, I really don't even need to get dressed to do homework. Of course I don't make coffee at home either so it kind of defeats the purpose of having coffee while I do homework (even if it is decaf) but regardless, again I don't have to be alone.

I have recently learned the joys of some quiet time, I accept that, I even crave that but that is completely different from being alone. Maybe it's my perception but it feels different to me. Quiet time is something I can do for awhile and then reconnect with people. Like when we were way up north at my friends cabin. I was there with people and yet I had these few hours alone and it was bliss...peaceful and magical. But when I was done, I had people right there with me again...it was perfect. My friend makes fun of me - mocking me that I HAVE to fill up all my open time with stuff to do. He seems to think it's a bad thing, I think it's a good thing. I like being busy, I like having things to do and I especially enjoy new things and people. Like most things in life I get bored with the same old same old...I need new interesting things to keep me engaged. I never understand those people who come home and plant themselves in front of a tv for 4 hrs and then go to bed just to get up and do it all over again the next day. Just not for me.

I've decided recently that I really want to learn to cook...not just a pot roast kind of cooking but really interesting cooking. More advanced, challenging type of cooking. I want to experiment with some new foods and some new things. Maybe if I find stuff to do like that I won't hate being alone so much. I guess time will tell.