Connections

In this day and age it's important to stay connected. There are lots of ways to do this but one has to find the way that works best for them. Me personally I like reading and writing - I'm totally digging Facebook...I'm sort of addicted to it actually! I love that I can stay totally connected with many people by looking at just one site. My goal is to have 100 friends by Christmas....I have 84 now! My goal is sooo close! What I really like about it is that I can stay connected to my friends and some of my family in little nuggets. People can post pictures and send you little notes that really help me feel connected to them. These are the things that I think people....well maybe it's just me....crave. Connections on all levels are what make things bearable.

There never seems to be enough time to do the things in a given day- work seems to get in the way. :) I think about all the things I could do if I didn't have to work....I really need to win the lottery.

The market has been nuts and thus creating a lot of chaos - these are some interesting times. I saw on the news yesterday they are labeling this time Black October 2008. I wonder if we are better able to deal with things if we label them. I know when I went with some friends for a girls weekend we labeled it.....we had a blast but had we not labeled it would it have been as fun? If we label things does it change them? I guess it comes down to the power of thought. You can think of it positively and it becomes a good thing....or negatively and it's a bad thing...Black October is definitely not a positive thought.

Life is like those paper chains I made as a kid, each one links to the other with a little paste and once you keep linking them you have enough to do something with them. You just have to create the links.

Things I know for sure

I love Oprah. She is a God. I got her new magazine and I haven't had time to read it yet but one headline on her cover was WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE.

It made me start to think. What do I know for sure? I mean so much of life is the unknown. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or even if tomorrow will happen so I of course made a list. Here is what I know for sure right now:

• I know I'll never go back to being a blonde
• I won't ever have my own child
• I will never be old
• I want to be loved
• I want to travel
• I need to be needed
• I love to laugh
• I'll never be a size small
• I enjoy my friends
• I always want what I can't have
• I hate having to go to school
• I like being in charge
• I hate smokers
• I like the idea of a walk around the lake but not a power walk
• I want to spend more time alone and like it
• I want to cook
• I want to want to cook
• I enjoy singing (even though I suck at it)
• I don't think I'll own a pet
• I love having someone else cook for me

Okay, so I had a bit of time to browse the Oprah mag and she says, and I quote "we are the causes of our own effects". I believe this but I'm just not sure I know the true meaning of it.

We are the causes of our own effects....that's pretty powerful and really that puts the ball completely in our own court doesn't it. We get to choose the outcome really so I wonder why don't we make better choices for our own outcomes? Are we really our own worst enemies?

Lists

www.pedalpub.com


Wow...things never cease to amaze me. A pub that you pedal around the city in. AWESOME! I am amazed. Doesn't that look like amazing fun? Why am I not doing that right now? As I get older unfortunately I hear more and more about deaths or horrible illnesses that people I actually know suffer from. It has made me think more about my own life and things I really want to do. I want to do so much! Financially I realize it's not possible to do EVERYTHING I want but I can make a list. I'm pretty excited about it too. It makes me feel like I have a purpose...plus how exciting is it going to be to be able to cross things off my list! Actually, the more I think about it...I think I am going to go with a book...not a list....I have enough things I want to do and I am guessing my list will continue to grow.

I am actually actively working on a few of the items right now. How fun and inspiring that something good comes from something not so good.

I've said it before...dreams are powerful messages. I have been having alot of really weird dreams and lately they are CLEARLY sending me messages....the latest is I dreamed I was cutting off all my hair. I didn't have any feelings either way about it...I just cut it all off...right up to my noggin. Here's the analysis of what that means: To dream that you are cutting your hair suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits.

A loss in strength? I guess I can see or rather feel that at work and probably a bit in my own life. Feeling censored....I guess that is all part of it and because of all of this chaos - stupid market madness making my life a mess - I think I do have to think about things in a different way. Wow, aren't our dreams smart. It's amazing how much we know about ourselves without really knowing we know it. Know what I mean?

Good lord, I need some time away to just process things. Wow. I would love to spend a long weekend at a cabin on a lake someplace!!

What's in a name?

I'm not sure if there is any more to this than people just being forgetful but how come people can't remember my name? I am worried that I am forgettable, boring, average and not at all memorable. I'd like to think I leave my mark whenever I can but lately it seems that no one can remember my name. In one night I was called a few different names even though I had a name plate in front of me and I corrected him each time...first it was Debi and I said you mean Dawn? Yes....yes...Dawn....and then 5 minutes later he calls me Pam. PAM!?

I don't think I'd care if it were some other situation and he couldn't remember my name like a dinner party where there was no name plate in front of me....but seriously...it was right there in front of me for all to see. To add to my paranoia of people not remembering me...I got an email from my school counselor telling me how many credits I had left and he called me JOE. First off my name is part of my email address and Joe isn't even a girls name! Wow! Am I so bland that I am unrememberable?

What makes us remember people? Is it a kind word? A good deed? How pretty they are? What causes us to remember someone? I realize the Universe sends us messages but what exactly is this one trying to tell me? If no one can remember my name what does that mean? Does the Universe have a sense of humor? Is it testing me to see my patience level or trying to slowly gaslight me? (Old movie reference...if you haven't see it check out Gas Light). In my most recent dream I was at the doctors and I was getting a shot over and over and over. I woke up feeling that in my arm...and my arm itched all day like I had actually gotten a shot. When I looked up the meaning it said: something hindered my ability to accomplish my goal.

Man our dreams really are something...but this confuses me even more. Who is hindering me and what is my goal. As always, there is some thinking to be done.

I heard this great song on the radio on my way home and I didn't get to hear who sings it...it starts out with some line about a person leaving pieces of themselves everywhere they go...I think it's new...I'm going to have to listen for it again but basically it was saying that we leave little pieces of who we are in places we have been. I guess that's true....but I have to wonder, will anyone remember?

Recycled

Ever wake up feeling recycled.....like everything old is new again? Sometimes I wake up and I feel like I never even slept...that I never rested. Today is one of those days. I think because I woke up at 5:15 to Smoker Joe hacking up his lungs on his deck (as he does EVERY morning) after not sleeping well because the rain forced me to close my windows which in turn made my room hot then the wind began to howl whisteling through my window that I apparently didn't close enough. Then the alarm goes off. Ugh..it's morning. So yeah, I feel recycled, raw, crumpled and old. Not in a cool hey hip huggers are SOOOO back in kind of way.

On a bright note, it is the last class with this dreadful teacher....so there is the positive and it is customer service week so we get to wear jeans all week. Woo hoo - there....two positives. :)

As I was flossing my teeth this morning the dental floss kept sort of shredding on one tooth. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, I couldn't see a chip or anything in the tooth, which wouldn't have surprised me, but it turns out the floss was getting shredded on the little metal thing as I pulled it out. I immediately had this thought.....can they recycle dental floss? I mean what is it made of - string, floss....something that I imagine they can recycle....right? Then I started thinking about all the things that could be made from recycled things and for some reason the line from this movie I saw as a kid popped into my head "solient green is people!" It was this movie my dad made us watch and I don't remember the whole movie, just this one line where people realized the food they were eating was recycled people. I mean in effect we kinda recycle people now with organ transplants and such. Weird....I guess George Orwell (book reference - 1984) was sooooo ahead of his time. I wouldn't even mind a talking animal.....or living on a farm. Wait...am I confusing that with Charlotte's Web...no wait, probably with Animal Farm.....in anycase, George Orwell was ahead of his time.

I think because I had a busy weekend and less sleep than I average I'm off my game today. People talk to me but it's like nothing is sinking IN. At least it's not a Monday I guess. Perhaps I'll avoid work today and just Facebook all day! Ha! I found some more friends on Facebook and my goal of having 100 friends by Christmas might just happen. I have 82 friends and invites out to a few people....come on 100! Isn't it funny the things we set as goals for ourselves. We make setting goals conditions on our own happiness. If I lose 50 lbs I'll find someone to love me and then I'll be happy, if I grow my hair long I'll feel pretty, if I had a coach purses my life would be perfect....ahh...the good old what ifs.

What if we choose to be happy, loved and pretty right now...right as we are. Then what?

Connections

People are starving for connections. We want to connect with others so bad that sometimes we don't really think about it we just plunge full throttle until we crash into them. I was reminded of this fact this weekend while I was at my admin meeting. Had a great time as I usually do and I really learned a lot from the seminar speakers. There was one speaker on developing better communications and she referenced how people are starved for connections. How that physical connection between people is needed for people to feel complete, connected and whole. She referenced the movie CRASH which was basically about people who have become so passive in their own lives that they were physically "crashing" into each other to feel something. It made me think how often we meander through life just going through the motions of day to day life and something big has to hit us on the head to make us snap out of it and realize what is happening. One of my favorite quotes is "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick to get your attention." We all do it, we get through each day with a list or a purpose to get things done and we are so focused on the end result that we tend to overlook the journey along the way. One of the nice things about these conferences is I get to spend time with other admins but I also get to see people whom I really like and admire but don't get to see very often. I always leave feeling revitalized and recharged to take on my life again.

97% of our communication is non-verbal. I scoffed at this fact but then today, I started looking at people during meetings and conversations and boy....their non-verbals really tell a different story. I wonder if that is a learned behavior of if we just have to find something about a situation to divert our attention that we scowl, cross our arms, roll our eyes or just plain disengage. Are we taught this? As a child we look to our parents to tell us who we are. Look mommy I put my toys away...aren't I a good girl? But as we get older we have to figure that out for ourselves. We no longer want our parents to "define" us. We want to choose who we think we are or who we become. What part of yourself is real and what part have we let others create for us? It's like a butterfly coming to life. I see this in my nieces behavior toward the adults in their lives. They need/want less and less input from us and they are spreading their wings and growing. Thank God I am not a parent, I don't think I could stand by and watch that happen. It kills me now when I feel it from my nieces and nephews....I don't know that I could stand that as a parent.

What parts of ourselves can we change. Who among us has has the "perfect" childhood? What is real? I've always said you can out grow your parents....it isn't easy but it can be done. It's hard to look at ourselves and try to figure out what you can change...what parts are the real me and what parts are a muddle of what I let others define as me? Who am I really? Ahh if I had these answers I'd be rich - rich I tell you. But hearing these messages again help me feel more stable on my path. It may not be my final path or my last path but at least I feel like after a fun weekend of singing, dancing and learning, I am ready to stand steady and begin walking the path again. Connections...how easy they make our journey.

Sedated

I approve of being moderately sedated, you know, that feeling that you get when you are on the edge of stepping over into stupid drunkeness....but your inhibitions are no longer restricted, your guard is down and you are open to pretty much anything....that's the level I'd like to live at, well maybe just on the weekends.

Yesterday I was feeling out of sorts, I woke up feeling completely exhausted and wiped out, I felt like I hadn't slept in days. I took a nap after a swiq of nyquill, it gives me that sedated feeling I love and allows me to drift off to sleep. I thought as I drifted off to sleep how nice it would be if you could live life in that state...all the time just sort of happy, calm and floaty. I realize I probably could live in that state with some type of drug assistance but I want it naturally. After I awoke from my slumber, feeling all normal again, I watched a little mindless tv. I caught this show on The Learning Channel called 17 kids and counting. This family has 17 kids and another on the way. The woman, I don't recall her name, and her husband, Jim Bob....that name I do recall...have been married for 20 years and she has 17, no wait, she is preggers with #18 now, kids. JESUS GOD. What do they do to support those children? Why are we as a society rewarding this kind of crazyness? They have to drive their family around in a freaking bus....that costs like $500 to fill it up....the mom clearly doesn't work....they have some rental property but other than that I don't think he works...what the hell? They are so weird too....like errie creepy weird. All the kids names begin with the letter J too...mostly boys, good lord I say. I know people with 3 kids who freak out when they have to handle them alone - how the hell would one manage 17 of them. They are super close in age...like barely 9 months apart. What a odd odd world we live in when watching people pop kids out like tic tacs becomes entertainment.

Sedated....not a bad way to live.