Steering

Life is like a car.....(sounds Forest Gump like doesn't it) - it's all about how you are steering. Sometimes you have both hands planted firmly on the wheel and you are barrelling down life's highway and sometimes, you are in the passenger seat staring out the window watching the world go by. You have to grab hold of that wheel and steer.

Do we really get to be the drivers of our own life or does fate, circumstances, the economy, life become the driver and we simply sit back and try to enjoy the ride?

Today's message from the Universe reads:

Always when you just don't know what you want, want happiness, and when you just don't know what to do, do anything. You can start today -
The Universe

Man, that Universe is one smart dude huh. Just want happiness....sounds so easy. My friend says I have to quit fighting it...to give into the life I have....is that true? Will that make me happy? It's not like my life is bad, that's not it...it's just missing something....like I keep hitting all these potholes (notice the car/road reference all through this...nice huh!) in my road of life and I got some axel damage I can't seem to fix. I want to be driving on my road but apparently I do need a GPS for my life. That's a good title for a book...GPS for Life.

Do anything. Hmm, something to think about. I had a thought today as I drove into work, I remember this summer when I was at my friends cabin and I found that "thinking place" out on the water. I remember how the quiet and the stillness allowed me to actually think....I need a retreat place...a place to go to that is away from the world, my world and just be. Now I guess I'd like a fireplace and big windows to watch the snow fall.....doesn't that sound delightful!

I love Facebook, it's a fun way to connect with lots of people with little commitment. Little snippets of people's life in minutes. I love it...I wish more people used it. I connected with an old co-worker from a previous company recently who I haven't seen or talked to in about 3 1/2 years. All of a sudden she is married (she wasn't even seeing anyone when I knew her), bought a house and just had a baby. All in a short period of time. How does that happen? How does one life move so fast in some direction and others seem to be in the same place they were 3 1/2 years ago....just with better shoes?

Who is steering my car?

A fine line

Fate or Coincidence? Which came first? Do things happen because of fate or coincidence?

Fate is synonymous with destiny. It is more often used in reference to topics based more on spirituality and religion. Coincidence offers a non-religious, explanation that is readily accepted by those that oppose any form of God's hand in decisions. Its premise is found on the law of chance. Those that believe in coincidence usually believe in luck. I believe in luck. I also believe in destiny. Does one get to triumph the other?

I've been told before that I am lucky. I don't feel lucky...I don't even really get that someone can be lucky but I guess I've had my fair share of good things happen but is that luck? I sometimes think of my life in terms of what I've done before...that my results are direct reactions to something I've done in my past...karma coming to bite me in the ass or to reward me as the situation dictates. Can one choose to be lucky?

I sometimes feel like my life is destined to be a certain way and then something happens that changes that for me...some event or situation and all of a sudden there is a different outcome that I never saw coming....life is funny.

I've been super sleepy during the daytime and wide awake at night lately. Like yesterday, I could have closed my eyes at about 2 o'clock and been sound asleep in two minutes - at work, in a meeting while presenting....seriously....so tired. Then I got home, ran errands (actually did some Christmas shopping!!) came home, avoided homework until about 9:30 then was up until about 11pm (my usual bed time) and then I laid in bed for probably an hour....wide awake. What the heck? Now today, I was all perky and wide awake but about 15 minutes ago I hit the wall.....I am freezing and sleepy....what is happening? Getting old sucks.

Is it my destiny to be this person? Am I on a path that can't be changed? Do I get a choice in how the rest of my life turns out our is it predetermined already? What if these are the good years. Man....I need to find a palm reader!!

The simple life

My nephew turned 6 this weekend. He's the youngest of my neices and nephews and still wants to and enjoys spending time with me. The others are too big and are trying to have their own lives and I am so far down on their list that I really only get to seem them during holidays. But not T....he loves his auntie and still likes to hang with me...he even hugged and kissed me in public....at the Mall of America...in front of God and everyone. Makes me happy. We went to the Rainforest Cafe, 0ne of his favorite places even though he hates it when it thunders and the monkeys come out, played minature golf and then closed down the day in the theme park area.

Do you remember the days when getting that one present made your life perfect? For T it was getting his creepy crawlers.....he wanted that so bad and so my sister and I played the perfect aunties and got it for him. His face lit up when he opened it and he came up to me later and said that was his favorite present...I almost cried. How magical that moment is when you open up something your heart desires more than life itself. For me....I really only remember it happening one time....when I was 13 I got my candle making kit that I was DYING for. I remember wanting it sooooo badly, I begged my mom for it...I was too old to beleive in Santa anymore but I secretly prayed to him to bring it to me and every present I opened Christmas morning I prayed was the kit. FINALLY....the last present, I had all but given up hope and then angels sang! Man I wanted that kit...I was so excited to get it and I imagined all the amazing candles I would make. Well like most of life's experiences, it was a huge dissappointment. It was really hard and I needed adult help and let me tell you...sitting with me to make candles was so far down on my parents list of things to do that I don't think I ever made one single candle.

Wouldn't life be great if it were like that moment...that moment of getting what you really really wanted. If we could bottle that exact moment and use it when we needed it that would be amazing. Though if we did that I suppose those actual moments wouldn't be as amazing then.....the glass is always half full...or empty.....or something.

I want a creepy crawlers moment. Is it possible to have those moments as an adult? Do we become so jaded by life that we forget to enjoy the little moments? I sure hope not.

Boring or Routine?

I realized last night after a long bath that I fear becoming boring. As I soaked in the tub I thought about a lot of things…who I am, who I think I am and who I want others to think I am and I realized I’m this close to becoming boring, average, dull – routine.

Boring = a dull, tiresome, or uncongenial person (very unfavorable to life or growth). Boring, dreary, dry, dull, humdrum, irksome, monotonous, stuffy, tedious, tiresome, uninteresting, wearisome, weary.

Routine = a customary or regular course or procedure. Commonplace tasks, chores or duties. Regular, unvarying, habitual, unimaginative or rote procedure. Chronic, habitual, everyday, familiar, frequent, regular, average, common, repetitive,
widespread, rut.

I thought about my life in terms of a week. I do homework on Monday’s, have school on Tuesday's, work on Wednesday's, have some sort of IAAP on Thursday's and try like heck to find something to do on Friday's and then the weekend. I’m boring…or am I in a routine? I don’t know that there is much of a difference. If you are boring can you change that?

When my nephew was little when he was bored he used to say “Auntie I’m boring” I’d laugh and tell him “don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it”. What if you’ve grown into that? Can a person out grow boring?

I've always hated being average, status quo, a "C" student but on the other hand I want to be considered the "same as everyone else". Can a person have both? Should they? I try hard to be my own person, sometimes to the point of being stubborn or yes I'll say it....pig headed. It's hard to figure out who you are and what you want.

I've said it before, you can't look for external validation to make you feel anything but we do...well at least I do. If my job doesn't define me and my life doesn't define me....what defines me?

Do we all become so accustomed to routine in our lives that we become creatures of habit so easily?

The note from the Universe to day is:

Of course not everyone understands you,
It takes crazy to know crazy.
It takes sexy to know sexy.
And most assuredly, it takes cool to know cool.
Yeah, un-hun, alright -
The Universe

Wow....I am sexy, crazy AND cool. What more can a girl ask for?

Unexpected thoughts

I suppose the everyone in the world is going to blog about the election...but me...you know I need to be on my own path so as usual, I am going to blather on about me. But one note on the election...WOW! Freaking A - American spoke loud and clear didn't they? Now if they can just settle the Senator race. Wild.

I had an off day yesterday. I had a bad case of the dropsies all day...you know...every time you touch something it falls or breaks or makes a mess. It was making me really crabby and to top it off I was told a volunteer "opportunity" at work was going to be mandatory. How is an "opportunity" mandatory? It angered me. How about asking me...how about saying hey, we can really use your help...how about that? It's not that I really objected to the "opportunity" but don't tell me one thing and then expect a different outcome...no wonder in my dreams I am biting people.

I have had dreams the last few nights where I have been biting people...I asked my friend to look in her dream book to see what it means. It said:I fear emasculation or I feel particularly attractive. Interesting. So I looked up the word emasculate - it means deprived of or lacking strength or vigor. Wow, I am having some deep dreams aren't I?

So then I start to really think about it and I go back to my dream book and read what I wrote. The first night I dreamed I was biting people at the ET....not hard or in an angry mean way, just biting them. Both boys and girls so it's not like I was just picking one...I apparently am an equal opportunity biter. Then the next night I was biting people at my day job....again...boys and girls. Odd. Then I started thinking....what am I really feeling? Am I feeling emasculated? If I'm honest, I think yes....I don't feel like I have strength...is that the same a power? And if I am still being honest I never feel attractive. I sometimes feel pretty good about myself if I have on a good outfit, the right shoes or my hair seems to actually be cooperating but attractive - never. It's not self deprecating, its just how I feel....it's who I am.

So then this starts a cycle of thinking that keeps me up way too late last night considering I had to be at work at 6am today for a event. Thinking is sometimes good but it's like the next day I'm in a thinking fog...I begin to over analyze things and I begin to read WAY too much into things. Like conversations I had...I start thinking - what did that really mean?

Last night in class there was a moment when the entire class (about 20 of us) all had a moment where they all had the same opinion/comment about me...like they expected me to respond in a certain way to an event and I thought.....am I so predictable that these people who I just spend one night a week with can predict my every move? Am I really such an open book?

Well here I am, in a thinking fog and apparently an open book. How do you close the book and write a new chapter?

Grand Gestures

What compels a person to stand on a bridge over the highway holding up political signs at 7am in the morning? Do they really think someone driving will see a McCain poster and say...wait, I changed my mind I am NOW going to vote for him? Don't you think people have already made up their minds? Do you really think a sign will change their mind? And don't these people have jobs? Lives? Something better to do than to stand on a bridge with a sign? I guess it's what they are passionate about so who am I to mock them?

Yesterday as I wandered at lunch trying to process all that is happening at work, I came across a sight that made me stop and stare. This couple was sitting outside by the fountain and the boy yelled out loud - I LOVE THIS WOMAN! He was clearly very happy about something and it made me thing about big grand gestures that people do for one another and it made me think.

I love big grand gestures. I also love surprises, unpredictable moments and unexpected events. But are they really necessary in life or in a relationship? Isn't it enough to have one other person know a food you can't eat, a drink you enjoy or to remember something you said? The quiet little moments that leave a mark on another person and they then pass it forward? I love the moments when some small gesture you did or some comment you made comes back to you as something meaningful for that other person. Those are the moments that make me happy.

I wonder how many moments in a day a person has an opportunity to leave a mark on another person and they don't even know it. I love getting a text in the middle of the day from someone because that means they were thinking about me when I am not even there. It makes me happy and feel included....same with an email...but somehow texting seems more personal...they had to chose to send it to me....not some group of people. It's not a grand gesture but it's a gesture.

Life goes by so fast, there are so many opportunites to make differences in others lives with small gestures but once in awhile who doesn't enjoy a big grand gesture?

Balance

How much of our identity, sense of self and self-esteem is linked to our work?

Work defines us externally. It gives us an identity to the outside world. I am who I am because of what I do. Work is usually a continuation of one’s education and what serves as a base for our sense of worth. Then there is the inner identity….who you are when no one else is around. The trick is learning to balance the two.

How do you learn to balance your inner and outer lives?

I am not completely dissatisfied with my life so far, it has its good points, however, I do feel like I’ve missed out on something by not choosing a career path in my 20’s like most people. Now I’m in my 40’s and feeling like I’ve made wrong choices. I feel like I need to make a change, or maybe to actually choose a path. Is that what being in school is about? I feel like I need a new game plan with a different balance between work and other life goals – wait, maybe I should actually get some “other life goals” first. Man being an adult is hard!

Work has considerable advantages as an opportunity to establish our own personal status. The objectives and criteria for success at work are clear. Rewards are recognized and visible to others. Where there is good there is always bad….rather a downside. At work, you are rarely in control of your own destiny; the criteria for success changes without warning or notice and more importantly economic downturns half a world away abruptly take away your job. It’s really easy to judge success in your work life than in your personal life.

How long will it take to know if you have been successful as a parent or a spouse? How can you judge whether you've fulfilled your potential as a human being outside the purely economic realm of existence? How can you compare the benefits of basing your personal identity on things outside of work with the benefits you can expect for making work your life?

People focus on work success because it’s easy and because they truly see it as the center of their lives. In such an achievement-dominated world, deciding not to work to live makes others view you as lazy or an under achiever. We tend to admire or idolize those who have “made it”. Does a career really define who we are? Are those with careers really any happier or better off because we put them on some imaginary pedestal?

What gives them an identity? Work is a substitute for many things, it’s easy to get lost in and it’s socially acceptable to do so. It’s also a way to avoid other things in your life.

Can you change your self identity by changing a job?