I suppose the everyone in the world is going to blog about the election...but me...you know I need to be on my own path so as usual, I am going to blather on about me. But one note on the election...WOW! Freaking A - American spoke loud and clear didn't they? Now if they can just settle the Senator race. Wild.
I had an off day yesterday. I had a bad case of the dropsies all day...you know...every time you touch something it falls or breaks or makes a mess. It was making me really crabby and to top it off I was told a volunteer "opportunity" at work was going to be mandatory. How is an "opportunity" mandatory? It angered me. How about asking me...how about saying hey, we can really use your help...how about that? It's not that I really objected to the "opportunity" but don't tell me one thing and then expect a different outcome...no wonder in my dreams I am biting people.
I have had dreams the last few nights where I have been biting people...I asked my friend to look in her dream book to see what it means. It said:I fear emasculation or I feel particularly attractive. Interesting. So I looked up the word emasculate - it means deprived of or lacking strength or vigor. Wow, I am having some deep dreams aren't I?
So then I start to really think about it and I go back to my dream book and read what I wrote. The first night I dreamed I was biting people at the ET....not hard or in an angry mean way, just biting them. Both boys and girls so it's not like I was just picking one...I apparently am an equal opportunity biter. Then the next night I was biting people at my day job....again...boys and girls. Odd. Then I started thinking....what am I really feeling? Am I feeling emasculated? If I'm honest, I think yes....I don't feel like I have strength...is that the same a power? And if I am still being honest I never feel attractive. I sometimes feel pretty good about myself if I have on a good outfit, the right shoes or my hair seems to actually be cooperating but attractive - never. It's not self deprecating, its just how I feel....it's who I am.
So then this starts a cycle of thinking that keeps me up way too late last night considering I had to be at work at 6am today for a event. Thinking is sometimes good but it's like the next day I'm in a thinking fog...I begin to over analyze things and I begin to read WAY too much into things. Like conversations I had...I start thinking - what did that really mean?
Last night in class there was a moment when the entire class (about 20 of us) all had a moment where they all had the same opinion/comment about me...like they expected me to respond in a certain way to an event and I thought.....am I so predictable that these people who I just spend one night a week with can predict my every move? Am I really such an open book?
Well here I am, in a thinking fog and apparently an open book. How do you close the book and write a new chapter?
4 comments:
why do you assume your book is not an intensely interesting one-or that people know you because you gracefully put yourself out there as so many are afraid to do????
PS Please don't bite me
What Mindy said. Only better, and maybe funnier.
You can bite me if you want.
I agree with paragraph three here:) I read it out loud to my husband because i feel similar. I was the only one in our meeting who didn't sign up at the time and felt the pressure to sign up after hours and volunteer. I have a 9-month old at home, board meetings for Big Brothers Big Sisters to attend (already a volunteer for a couple charities in town and we are going on a retreat for work in the next month...anyway, it all balances out I guess:)
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