Creating our own reality

"Find your true path. It's so easy to become someone we don't want to be,
without even realizing it's happening."

Dreams are messages we refuse to let ourselves hear while we are awake and plowing through our day. Lately my dreams have been really trying to tell me something but I've been refusing to listen. Maybe it was my NyQuil induced sleep (yes the devil winter crud has finally gotten to me) but the last two nights I've had weird dreams about endless roads or road blocks or walking on roads that go no where and I just keep going and going....it's clearly trying to tell me what I sort of already know but here is what I find about a road or road block.....as if I didn't know.

To see a road in your dream, indicates your sense of direction and pursuit of your goals. To see a winding, curvy, or bumpy road in your dream, suggests that you will encounter many obstacles and setbacks toward achieving your goals.

Thankfully my roads have not been bumpy or winding...just simple straight forward endless roads.

You may be met with unexpected difficulties. If the road is dark, then it reflects the darker or more frightening choices which you have made or are making.? To see a smooth road bordered by green trees and flowers, denotes a steady progress and steady climb up the social ladder. If the road is straight and narrow, then it means that your path to success is going according as planned. To see an unknown road in your dream, signifies that you new project will cause more grief than it is worth and a waste of time.

Wow.....my dreams have mostly been about daytime...no flowers or tree's...really nothing but a road out in the daytime...am I really a social climber? I kinda like that!

To see a roadblock in your dream, signifies obstacles in your business or personal life. You may need to be more persistent and diligent in trying to overcome the obstacles that come your way.

Okay this one doesn't surprise me but why does it keep appearing...I know this...I even know what it's really about but I can't do anything about it....doesn't my subconscious know I know?

Our dreams unify our body, mind, and spirit. It provides us with insights into ourselves and is a means for self-exploration. If you understand your dreams you should have a better chance of understanding and discovery of your true self. If that's true I got a lot of work ahead of me.

I realize we all work hard to create our own reality but sometimes our dreams get in the way of where we are taking ourselves....maybe we need to not work so hard at it? Boy...do I have a lot of work ahead of me!

I wish I had some NyQuil right now.

Charlie Brown kind of a feeling

I never realized how depressed Charlie Brown really is. I recorded a few shows and spent some time watching them over the last few days and Charlie is severely depressed...I mean like clinically depressed. He sort of loses his mind over a kite that won't fly and he often is very sad and unhappy...doesn't anyone see that? Where are his parents? Isn't Lucy a therapist...she charges 5cents for advice...doesn't she see the cash cow that is Charlie Brown? Poor Charlie.

It got me thinking about alot of other cartoons....the infamous Winnie the Pooh with poor sad Eyeore, the Little Mermaid with the crumudgeon lobster....and of course there is Rudolph...man that coach was a mean reindeer!! I think Santa is kind of a bastard in that one too. Cartoons are rough...I guess it begins to prepare our little ones for the onset of adulthood and all the life dissappointments we head into. There is no way a new show could do those kinds of things, people would scream from the heavens above.

I am officially ready for the holidays...my presents are wrapped, my cards are almost done and my heart is full of Christmas cheer...bring on the snow and the mistletoe!

My friend sent me this new quote which of course then tied into my whole night:

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Weathering the storm and learning to dance in the rain.....can you really dance to that?

As I sat sipping probably one of the best martini's I've ever had at the St. Paul Hotel waiting for my friend to arrive, we had theater tickets, I witnessed a couple who had clearly weathered some storms. This man walked in with the most enormous bouquet of roses I had ever seen. I mean ENORMOUS! Like the size of my body...huge!!! He was probably in his mid to late 60's and he presented them to this woman who I assume was his wife. He sort of came up behind her and presented them to her as if she had just won the Miss American pageant. You could tell she was completely surprised by this...I like to think it was completely out of character for him to do this. He said to her when he gave them to her he's thankful to have her by his side as they go through life and how much they have gone through and will continue to go through together. He ended by saying he was nothing without her. I swear to God I almost ran over there and hugged them....but I was afraid I'd spill my martini.

Talk about weathering a storm! I think that's what people don't do anymore...weather storms. We have become such a disposable society that the minute something gets hard we quit, we just stop trying. It's not like there won't be something else there again....right? People don't seem to work through the hard times....they seem to bail pretty quickly. Do we all need dance lessons?

I'm as guilty of this as the next person. I think about quitting something every day...life is hard. It's about finding that person or group of people that make you feel like you can make it...that you can weather the storm, dance in the rain with....it isn't necessarily about being with just ONE person. You couldn't possibly get all you need from just one person.

My parents never weathered any storms....well not together anyway. It seemed that they lived pretty separate lives...well my dad did anyway....he never seemed to really want the things my mom did....he seemed to want what he thought he was suppose to have and that never really made him happy. Maybe he is smarter that I give him credit for...maybe he forced himself to live a life he thought he was suppose to and in the end he ended up very unhappy and ultimately all alone.....maybe if he had dared to live the life he wanted things would be different...but then would I even be here? Too much to think about on more than a surface level....at least today.

The bar is pretty dang impressive in the St. Paul Hotel.....if you have never been there you should take me there sometime...I mean you should go there sometime.....it's just beautiful. There is a wall there filled with pictures of all these people who have contributed something to St. Paul....or just the hotel...not sure but I kinda felt a little inadequate...here I was....Joe average sipping my cocktail, staring out the window at Rice Park surrounded by all these amazing pictures of people. The founder of the first school in St. Paul, Executive Secretary of the NAACP, Architect of the Minnesota State Capital. How did they get their picture up on the wall?

What would my picture say - Wanted more than she had? Loved life and was a joy to be around?

What footprint will I leave and is it too late to even make one?

Life isn't like the movies

I was talking with some friends yesterday and we had the conversation that movies set unrealistic expectations for us. Take the movie Dan in Real Life. I love that movie...there is one scene in particular that kills me...the scene towards the end where he realizes that he really has feelings for this woman and has sort of a melt down in front of his family and it felt so real...it felt like it could actually happen. I want that in my life...the real moments. Why don't they seem to happen?

Do movies set us up to expect what we can never really have? The unattainable life?

I came across this quote today:
"Sometimes what people choose to write down on paper is more important than what they say."

It sure ties in with the thoughts noodling around in my head doesn't it. Scripts do seem to have some power. Maybe it's people's way of writing down the kind of life they want....if it's true that you have to put out in the Universe the things you want before they come true is that what writing is about? Do we have to put down in writing the things/life you want and it may happen? Not like I want to win the lottery and bam they call your numbers, more like an overview? I don't know....it seems to make sense on some level.

There are a few movies that really stick out in my mind as moments I wish were a part of my life so that I could have written them down. In the movie Always - the scene when Holly Hunter comes downstairs in that beautiful dress and all the forest fighting guys stop dead and stare at her and then she says....Nobody's touching this dress until they wash their hands and all the guys RUSH to wash their hands. What a moment....it's just a tiny part of the movie but I imagine if that actual moment happened it would be amazing.

In As Good as It Gets....when Jack Nicholson is sitting with Helen Hunt in the restaurant and he says to her "You make me want to be a better man". That one sucks the breath right out of me. Can you imagine being around another person that actually makes you want to be a better person....to actually feel that...to beleive that....amazing.

I guess I do want a movie themed kind of life but not like The Omen or anything.

Time to fly

I was thinking as I drove to work this morning how does a person know it's time to move on? Move on from childhood, a job, a friendship, a relationship. Do you just know it's time or does the Universe have to kick you to make you see it? I've been struggling to hold on to things for so long I'm feeling exhausted....is it time to stop the fight and let go?

I see this young girl every morning walking to the bus stop and I always think why is that young girl (8/10 years old) out this early alone? I wonder does she have to or is she choosing to? I remember when I first moved out...I had just turned 17 and moved in with some friends. It was so freeing...I felt alive. Of course growing up with so many siblings and so much responsibility I felt I was ready....of course I wasn't. Same thing with relationships.....you always think your ready and then somewhere in the middle you wonder....what am I doing here...maybe that's just me. Are you ever really ready or do you have to hold your breath and leap? Leap and the net will appear. It's hard to be an adult.

All these things we do seem to give us value as to who we are. Our jobs, our friends, family and most importantly our relationships. They are sort of what makes us get up and go to a job we don't like, put up with family member that may make us a little nutty or deal with friends we just aren't that fond of but we do these things for the return to us. We give up peices of ourselves to get peices of something else. Is it a fair trade?

The holidays are a hard time to be single...not alone, well that too, but single. There are events or things to be done during these times that really require the presence of another person to really enjoy them....like putting up a tree, shopping, going to holiday parties.....couple or group things and when you are single you sort of feel out of place. Sometimes I feel like that but I've beenin this bubble for so long it doesn't really matter to me anymore - plus I love me a party!

I've noticed how sort of sad it makes some other people. Is it because they have only know that life....always had another person there to do things with and now being alone you don't know how to live your life alone? Working at the ET I've had the opportunity to talk with a lot more people and there are a few people who live there who are really struggling with being alone....I imagine this time of the year makes it even harder. I talk with them and try to point out the good things about this season, encourage them to think outside of themselves and to try to move past it but I realize people have to do that in their own time. I can't make them just like they couldn't make me.

Then I get to work and here is my message from the Universe today:

Sometimes, when you're feeling your lowest

the real you is summoned.
And you understand, maybe for the first time ever,

how grand you are, because you discover

that vulnerable doesn't mean powerless,

scared doesn't mean lacking in beauty,

and uncertainty doesn't mean that you're lost.
These realizations alone will set you on a journey

that will take you far beyond what
you used to think of as extraordinary.

There is always a bright side.
The Universe

Just blows me away how it sort of knows what I'm thinking about even before I know what I'm thinking about. I also think it's amazing that yesterday I wrote about feeling vulnerable, well wondering what life would be like if we didn't worry, and today it says vulnerable doesn't mean powerless. I almost always feel powerless over my own life. Wild. We always have the power to change. Imagine that....we have the power.

We have the choice to choose when to fly.....it may not be the right time but isn't it really more about the journey we take rather than the path we are on? Wow....did I just say that?

Is it time to strap on my big girl shoes and start walking?

Living the "What if" life

Time is elusive. I had a conversation with a friend who said the older you get the faster time seems to go by because in relation to how much time you have left to live, time goes by faster. When you are young you have so much to look forward to and when you become my age (ugh!) you realize you are half way through or more than halfway through your life. Time, it is elusive.

I was talking to a co-worker today and I made the comment that I really wish I had a kid. I think if I did, I would do so many things different. I then talked about this great set of pictures I saw once that I'd wish I'd done. This guy had a son and bought a man's suit and every year on the kids birthday he took his picture in the suit until his son grew into it. Man that's cool. I wish I had done something really creative with my life. He looked at me and said, it's not over yet. Do something. It made me sort of stop and think. Why do we do that? Why do we stop ourselves from doing stuff? We put these preconceived restraints on ourselves and say we can't. It's too late, I'm too old, I'm too poor, I'm....something....I can't. People of all ages have done amazing creative cool things. What's their secret? How do you get the courage to live a "what if" kind of life?

I wonder if I did have a child if they would have the courage to live a life without conditions? Would I have been the kind of parent that gave them a rope to hang onto or a ladder to climb? I guess we will never know but I like to think I would have encouraged them to break the barriers, to be more than they think they can be and to never settle.....that's what I feel like I've done....settled for a life less ordinary, less complicated, plain...simple....boring.

That's what I worry about at night when I try to go to sleep...that I've become ordinary and boring. Isn't that the silliest thing to even spend time worrying about? Really, worst case scenario I'm average, plain....even boring....does that make any difference in what I put out into the world? Maybe it does...maybe if that's what I'm telling myself then that is what I am reaping. You reap what you sew.....am I creating a life for myself I really don't want?

As usual, the Universe always responds....see Kurt...if you listen it responds....today it said this:

Let's find a new adjective for you, Dawn...

How about upercoolhappylovething?

Yeah, a bit clumsy. How about imaculate?

Yeah, ahh, tricky. So, how about just adored!?

Yeah, not new.

Last idea,

Dawn...imaginary.

Oh, that's really good.

Phew,The Universe

So there it is….I need a new adjective to describe me….to give me focus and hope.

What adjective do you have and what would you change it to?

Does changing our adjective really change our life?

Giving in or giving up

Sometimes a good cup of coffee can fix anything that's wrong in the world (mmm thanks Sarah!) and sometimes it can't.

Is there a difference between giving in and giving up? I know in order to move on you have to accept things and stop fighting but is that giving up or is that giving in? It seems that when it rains it pours....and lately it's felt that way for alot of my friends. Seems like things go wrong for them in bunches...not just one thing but several at one. God never gives us more than we can handle...or one door closes and another one opens but sometimes...it feels like too much. When do you decide to cut your losses and give up....or is it give in?

This morning I was listening to the radio and they were playing these requests from people asking for Christmas wishes...things like a new laptop, or to travel to see a sick or dying family member....one was to have enough money to buy a tree an presents for their kids. People all over seem to be in a state of distress.....is it always like this and the holidays just make us focus even more on what we don't have? Have they given up?

When do you decide enough is enough and stop hitting your head against a wall? Is that giving up or do you stop hitting your head and try something else...and that's giving in? Accept what the Universe gives you or do you fight it....challenge it...push it to give you something else.

I have found lately that I have been fighting an unknown force, something I have no power over, no control and absolutely NO way to change it so I decided I'm done...I gave up the fight...and I just accepted. I feel good about it...I feel less discombobulated and disconnected. I also remembered how much I like doing things for other people....little things they don't expect. Like bringing someone a cup of coffee, a book, of just a christmas decoration. Little things that bring unexpected joy to their day...well I like to think it does...it makes me feel better to think outside of myself.....and then this note from the Universe appeared today....

When you become detached mentally from yourself and concentrate on helping other people with their difficulties, you will be able to cope with your own more effectively. Somehow, the act of self-giving is a personal power-releasing factor.

Maybe that's the key, stop thinking about yourself so much, help another person and in turn, you actually end up helping yourself. Isn't the Universe a smart being?

24 days until Christmas!