They are all connected really.....we want things, we need things and I most certainly expect things. Are they all necessary though?
The needs thing is easy....the basic needs of life....shelter, food, clothing, a job, safety, relationships with others....I get that, that makes sense to me. Wanting things.....that's a little hinky for me...I want a lot of stuff or things to happen but do I NEED them - probably not. I'd certainly survive without but I do want them. Wanting in a powerful thing. I have this great quote from an Oprah magazine which I know I won't get right but it went something like she ignored the wants for so long that they began to shout out loud. If we keep ignoring what we want does it get louder? Do we eventually have to address the wants or do they wither and die? Isn't that really what Oprah's magazine is based on anyway....wanting. You want to read the books she praises, you want the things on her list and you want to be like the people in the magazine ads....wants.....that's a hard one to rationalize away. I want to not want to want. Hmmm.....is that even possible? Do I really want that or do I think I'm suppose to want that?
The last part, expectations, is what I am struggling with. I expect certain outcomes in my life from events, from everyday and from people. I am almost constantly disappointed in the outcomes because in my head I've built them into something completely different from the reality. I expect something different than what I am getting and when it comes down to it, it's me who has to change. Change my thinking, my expectations my wants. I have gone places or done things that were completely unplanned or unexpected and had a great time and then when I place the expectation on a certain outcome and it doesn't happen I feel let down, sad, unfulfilled. Does a person have to stop expecting an outcome?
New Years Eve....this day holds a lot of pressure for me. I know its probably, OK it IS self imposed pressure, but it's the end of the old and the beginning of the new. If I don't lay out some expectations for the new year am I just then accepting what will be? Don't I have the obligation to put out there some sort of a plan or list or expectation of what I want....need, expect from the new year? Don't I owe it to myself to make a plan or am I just making too much out of things?
I feel a odd sense of uneasement (is that even a word?) coming in to this new year and if I honestly look at my life I'm probably at one the best, stable, connected places I've been at in my own life in a really long time. I enjoy my life, my friends (both old and especially new!) and my job at the moment is .....well.....I still have one to go to next week - I'm really in a pretty good place. I'm very close to being done with school, my family is well and I'm in a pretty darn good place.....what more do I really need, want or expect from a new year? Is it possible I am just making too much out of New Years Eve?
My focus this year will be to work on my list.....I have been creating a list of things I want to do and I really think 2009 needs to be a year I focus on what I want, what I need and maybe leave the expectation part up to the Universe? Most importantly I want it to be a year of doing things I have never done before and having fun.
Oh my God.....did I just figure it out? Dang....I think I did. I really enjoy my window seat to the world as I blog....feels like I can really sort things out.
Happy New Year and good bye 2008!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Afraid to take risks?
I've never thought of myself as someone afraid to do things but as this year comes to a close I think back over the year and I'm a little disappointed in the things I stopped myself from doing because I was afraid or worried what others would think of me. Can a person be afraid of taking a risk? Am I afraid of taking a risk? What about others.....do they chance a different choice?
I know I talk a good game...I think I am braver than I really am. I think I'm ready to move to the next level and then I stop myself....I get scared or nervous or worried and I stop...I pull back and I don't do things. Don't we all do that? Do we sabotage ourselves and get in the way of our own path? Why do I do that? Who really cares? There are people I know who are so much braver than me, they don't seem to care what anyone else says they just live their life out loud with no excuses. I really want to live that way but there is something that always seems to stop me. Is it my upbringing? My fear of the unknown? My worry that the hype won't live up to what I've created in my mind? What sensors do I need to break down to live my life out loud?
I know there are times I've felt brave and bold in my life and I've pushed past the fear and done what I really wanted to do and I've had a great time....but it's like I need that push, that someone to take me by the hand and lead me there and then once I'm there I'm good but the actual getting there seems to be like a road block and I can't seem to get there on my own. Is risk taking a group event?
Isn't taking risks suppose to be about growing and pushing ourselves to the next level? If so then why is it so scary to push ourselves to the next level? What is it that we are really afraid of? Is it possible we are afraid of being happy? Of succeeding? Of living the life we really want? Why is risk such a negative thing?
Scared of taking a risk.....please.....I can take a risk..I've taken risks....heck....2009 is going to be a year of breaking down the walls and taking risks.
************************************************************************************
I found these two quotes as I was reading this morning....interesting isn't it.
Don't over think. Let passion override your fear.
Indulgence isn't a sign of failure, it's an occasional opportunity to experience pure pleasure.
Now I wonder.....is risk something we avoid because of fear or fear of pure pleasure? Do we deny ourselves that deeply? Things to ponder as this year winds down.
I know I talk a good game...I think I am braver than I really am. I think I'm ready to move to the next level and then I stop myself....I get scared or nervous or worried and I stop...I pull back and I don't do things. Don't we all do that? Do we sabotage ourselves and get in the way of our own path? Why do I do that? Who really cares? There are people I know who are so much braver than me, they don't seem to care what anyone else says they just live their life out loud with no excuses. I really want to live that way but there is something that always seems to stop me. Is it my upbringing? My fear of the unknown? My worry that the hype won't live up to what I've created in my mind? What sensors do I need to break down to live my life out loud?
I know there are times I've felt brave and bold in my life and I've pushed past the fear and done what I really wanted to do and I've had a great time....but it's like I need that push, that someone to take me by the hand and lead me there and then once I'm there I'm good but the actual getting there seems to be like a road block and I can't seem to get there on my own. Is risk taking a group event?
Isn't taking risks suppose to be about growing and pushing ourselves to the next level? If so then why is it so scary to push ourselves to the next level? What is it that we are really afraid of? Is it possible we are afraid of being happy? Of succeeding? Of living the life we really want? Why is risk such a negative thing?
Scared of taking a risk.....please.....I can take a risk..I've taken risks....heck....2009 is going to be a year of breaking down the walls and taking risks.
************************************************************************************
I found these two quotes as I was reading this morning....interesting isn't it.
Don't over think. Let passion override your fear.
Indulgence isn't a sign of failure, it's an occasional opportunity to experience pure pleasure.
Now I wonder.....is risk something we avoid because of fear or fear of pure pleasure? Do we deny ourselves that deeply? Things to ponder as this year winds down.
It's all a balancing act
Is the grass really greener on the other side? I always think it is. I always think people who have what I don't have are happier, more focused, more fun....prettier....but now I'm wondering if that's true or just something we tell ourselves until we get to that point.
You don't know what your missing until you really realize what your missing. Make sense? I think it takes time to realize what it is your really missing and sometimes we fill our lives or our time with all these things trying to find that missing piece only to find years later (um 3 years later in some cases) that you don't have to be missing anything...that things are OK just as they are. Aren't we complicated little ducks?
I look at some of my friends lives or in terms of their relationships and think....that's what I want, but I'm only seeing a moment, a snapshot of time....is that really what I want? There are parts of my old life I miss a lot and I don't even realize I am missing these things until I think about them. When life changes, at least for me, I tend to try to fill my time, my days, my mind with new things to force out the old. It's not always a bad thing because along the way I find some wonderful new things and friends!
Filling up my life makes me forget about the old and focus on the new. At some point though it's not working and you begin to think about the old....and you start to rationalize how great it was or why you gave parts of it up and you begin, at least I do, want that back. And it was great a lot of the time but overall since it ended it's clearly not the life you were intended to live so why do we focus so much on the past, so much on what we don't have and forget to see what is ahead or what we do have? Why do we keep wanting what we had?
Balance....we need a balance of the old and the new.
I spent some time over the holidays with a friend that knows me inside out....it was easy, no thought involved. They know what I like, what I don't like, when I'm tired, when I just need a moment....and I miss that, I miss that kind of a connection with another person but if they were around all the time would that be the reality? I often find that reality and our own reality don't really mesh.
I think my theme for 2009 is going to be balance.....learning the yin and the yang of my life.
Sounds easy.....right?
You don't know what your missing until you really realize what your missing. Make sense? I think it takes time to realize what it is your really missing and sometimes we fill our lives or our time with all these things trying to find that missing piece only to find years later (um 3 years later in some cases) that you don't have to be missing anything...that things are OK just as they are. Aren't we complicated little ducks?
I look at some of my friends lives or in terms of their relationships and think....that's what I want, but I'm only seeing a moment, a snapshot of time....is that really what I want? There are parts of my old life I miss a lot and I don't even realize I am missing these things until I think about them. When life changes, at least for me, I tend to try to fill my time, my days, my mind with new things to force out the old. It's not always a bad thing because along the way I find some wonderful new things and friends!
Filling up my life makes me forget about the old and focus on the new. At some point though it's not working and you begin to think about the old....and you start to rationalize how great it was or why you gave parts of it up and you begin, at least I do, want that back. And it was great a lot of the time but overall since it ended it's clearly not the life you were intended to live so why do we focus so much on the past, so much on what we don't have and forget to see what is ahead or what we do have? Why do we keep wanting what we had?
Balance....we need a balance of the old and the new.
I spent some time over the holidays with a friend that knows me inside out....it was easy, no thought involved. They know what I like, what I don't like, when I'm tired, when I just need a moment....and I miss that, I miss that kind of a connection with another person but if they were around all the time would that be the reality? I often find that reality and our own reality don't really mesh.
I think my theme for 2009 is going to be balance.....learning the yin and the yang of my life.
Sounds easy.....right?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm going to change....just not today
That's a quote from a Gear Daddy's song. Went to see them last night. Enjoyed the evening out but man....do I feel old. It was at the Fine Line and it was pretty packed. It's been a long time since I have been to a bar to hear a band. I forget how fast people drink and how dumb people act when they do drink. I'd like to think that I don't act that much of a fool when I drink but I guess I don't really know.
I love the Gear Daddy's...their music has always spoken to me....and the song I'm going to change just not today made me start thinking about New Years and how really close it is and how unprepared to start a new year I feel.
Last year as the year started I felt safe and secure in my job, I knew school was happening and I was in the total groove of it and I was ready to have 2008 be great but shortly into the year things went wonky. It makes me leary to formulate any type of a plan for 2009. If I really think about it.....what do I want from this year? What do I want to be saying as I sit at the end of 2009 looking back on the year?
I want to have a fun year. I want a year full of laughter, good times, happiness, fun, good friends, real friends.....love, and I want to look back over my list of things I want to do and be able to say WOW - I really did a lot of these things this year. I think it's unrealistic to say I want to do them all but I want a fair chunk of them gone. I will post my list soon....I think it will be a fun way to end my blog this year.
Had a fantastic Christmas...probably one of my better holidays I've had in a really really long time and the funny thing is....it was totally unexpected and pretty much unplanned. Maybe that's the key...don't plan....I find if I plan I'm almost always disappointed.
Oh and here is another surprise..my friend Sarah made me try sushi and I loved it....I can't really eat alot of rice based sushi but it was much more tasty and better than I imagined. See, another unplanned moment. Hmmm...I'm sensing a pattern.
Happy last Saturday of 2008!!!
Monday, December 22, 2008
We are our actions
Our actions no matter how big or small, define us. They create who we are or who we become. You can say one thing but your actions really define you. Who knows your true self better than family. They know your true self and God help us all...we love each other despite it.
It was my family Christmas this weekend and despite the weather the family plowed through the snow and ice to celebrate the holiday. It was probably one of our better Christmas celebrations to date. We all had a great time and as usual there was more food and presents than any of us needed. We opened our family doors and let our freak flags fly high and proud!
We are lucky we have so much family and that we are able to get together and share some time even though we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like too. It's weird to me how fast time goes and how quickly the kids seem to grow....man they seem to have turned into adults right before my eyes yet I don't feel any older. I really enjoy spending time with them and watch them transform into these amazing people. Kills me how much better of a life they have at their age then I did....but I'm happy for them...happy for them to have less of a struggle and hopefully less of a stress on their identity and their place in this world.
As I finished up my holiday shopping with my 6 year old nephew in tow today I realized how self focused and self involved we become as people. People literally are so focused on one thing they just plow into you with their bodies, their shopping carts...their children. Amazing how tunneled we become. As we waited in line to see Santa it occurred to me this whole actions defining us thinking. We were the 6th set in line....lady #1 with her 2.3 children because and clearly a woman with money because the oldest boy (about 6)was dressed immaculately and the little girl (about 4) was a freaking princess in white ruffles, tights and the most sparkly shoes I've ever seen and the baby was like a gap child all perfect and shiny.
While waiting in line she was coaching the kids on how to sit and smile and being the perfect mom and she was patient and explaining every little question they seemed to spew out at lightening speed. She was freaking Donna Reed. Then it was time to place the children on Santa's lap - Jesus God. She turned into this she-devil shrill woman barking orders at the kids like a military Sargent. The 4 year old princess wanted nothing at all to do with Santa and screamed like she was burning at the stake. The poor boy was looking so scared but trying like hell to smile and the mother screamed at the kids....look over here...look over here...Tyler stop looking scared...smile...this is Santa for God's sake...come on Lilly....smile for mama.
I turned to the man next to me who stood there mouth agape and his disheveled kids with static wild hair and said "Um yeah, they're going to be in therapy for many years aren't they?" We both laughed. Then the crazy mom pulled out the letters the kids wrote to Santa and made the boy read them to Santa. Are you kidding me? Seriously she was up there about 10 minutes. Crazy. Talk about actions being who you are. Wow.
It made me start thinking about all the times I do things differently than I say and I thought all a person really has is their word...their deeds.....their integrity. If we aren't being truthful than what is the point? Love with your whole heart, give with no intent to receive and be happy with out expecting something to go wrong.
2009 is around the corner. I really have some major work ahead of me.
It was my family Christmas this weekend and despite the weather the family plowed through the snow and ice to celebrate the holiday. It was probably one of our better Christmas celebrations to date. We all had a great time and as usual there was more food and presents than any of us needed. We opened our family doors and let our freak flags fly high and proud!
We are lucky we have so much family and that we are able to get together and share some time even though we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like too. It's weird to me how fast time goes and how quickly the kids seem to grow....man they seem to have turned into adults right before my eyes yet I don't feel any older. I really enjoy spending time with them and watch them transform into these amazing people. Kills me how much better of a life they have at their age then I did....but I'm happy for them...happy for them to have less of a struggle and hopefully less of a stress on their identity and their place in this world.
As I finished up my holiday shopping with my 6 year old nephew in tow today I realized how self focused and self involved we become as people. People literally are so focused on one thing they just plow into you with their bodies, their shopping carts...their children. Amazing how tunneled we become. As we waited in line to see Santa it occurred to me this whole actions defining us thinking. We were the 6th set in line....lady #1 with her 2.3 children because and clearly a woman with money because the oldest boy (about 6)was dressed immaculately and the little girl (about 4) was a freaking princess in white ruffles, tights and the most sparkly shoes I've ever seen and the baby was like a gap child all perfect and shiny.
While waiting in line she was coaching the kids on how to sit and smile and being the perfect mom and she was patient and explaining every little question they seemed to spew out at lightening speed. She was freaking Donna Reed. Then it was time to place the children on Santa's lap - Jesus God. She turned into this she-devil shrill woman barking orders at the kids like a military Sargent. The 4 year old princess wanted nothing at all to do with Santa and screamed like she was burning at the stake. The poor boy was looking so scared but trying like hell to smile and the mother screamed at the kids....look over here...look over here...Tyler stop looking scared...smile...this is Santa for God's sake...come on Lilly....smile for mama.
I turned to the man next to me who stood there mouth agape and his disheveled kids with static wild hair and said "Um yeah, they're going to be in therapy for many years aren't they?" We both laughed. Then the crazy mom pulled out the letters the kids wrote to Santa and made the boy read them to Santa. Are you kidding me? Seriously she was up there about 10 minutes. Crazy. Talk about actions being who you are. Wow.
It made me start thinking about all the times I do things differently than I say and I thought all a person really has is their word...their deeds.....their integrity. If we aren't being truthful than what is the point? Love with your whole heart, give with no intent to receive and be happy with out expecting something to go wrong.
2009 is around the corner. I really have some major work ahead of me.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Time
I've been thinking a lot lately about time. How we spend it, how we use it - use it to avoid, distract, entertain. It's easy to say "I can't do this because I don't have the time" but really, each day has 24 hours in it...how we choose to spend it is what matters. Are we choosing the right way to spend our time?
As this year winds down I realized there never seems to be enough time for everything. I mean, I choose what I'm doing but when you work full time, part time and go to school it's hard to squeeze in a personal life or time with friends without feeling completely exhausted. How do people with kids do this?
We lose people we love too fast, they are gone before we really have time to spend with them and as I get older I find there is more value in my time that I thought yet I am surprised how well I don't really use my time. I recently went through a phase where I all of a sudden had all this open free time to use and I almost went bonkers trying to figure out what to do with it....how to fill it, how to get my arms wrapped around my own purpose and being and it all seemed to come back to time. I don't have time to do this or I have to much time and I don't know what to do with it. Maybe we use time to avoid things too. I know that if I have too much time on my hands I start to over analyze myself and my life and I become very unhappy.
So I keep myself busy. I find things to do or things to fill it with so I won't feel bad and that somehow makes me feel better. I do all sorts of things to fill my time hoping not to feel lonely or to not focus on my own life but really it's just pushing it aside and at some point it has to come to the surface. Do we invite drama and high maintenance people into our lives so we have something to focus on and "fix" so we can avoid ourselves?
Are we really that complicated of individuals? Am I really that complicated? I remember when we were approaching 2008.....I kept saying 2008 is going to be great...well you know what...it wasn't. In some ways it was, I learned alot about myself this year but overall....the overall theme of this year was not one of my better years.
I am not sure I want to lay out any expectations for 2009....not yet anyway.
Still a few days left to ponder the new year.
As this year winds down I realized there never seems to be enough time for everything. I mean, I choose what I'm doing but when you work full time, part time and go to school it's hard to squeeze in a personal life or time with friends without feeling completely exhausted. How do people with kids do this?
We lose people we love too fast, they are gone before we really have time to spend with them and as I get older I find there is more value in my time that I thought yet I am surprised how well I don't really use my time. I recently went through a phase where I all of a sudden had all this open free time to use and I almost went bonkers trying to figure out what to do with it....how to fill it, how to get my arms wrapped around my own purpose and being and it all seemed to come back to time. I don't have time to do this or I have to much time and I don't know what to do with it. Maybe we use time to avoid things too. I know that if I have too much time on my hands I start to over analyze myself and my life and I become very unhappy.
So I keep myself busy. I find things to do or things to fill it with so I won't feel bad and that somehow makes me feel better. I do all sorts of things to fill my time hoping not to feel lonely or to not focus on my own life but really it's just pushing it aside and at some point it has to come to the surface. Do we invite drama and high maintenance people into our lives so we have something to focus on and "fix" so we can avoid ourselves?
Are we really that complicated of individuals? Am I really that complicated? I remember when we were approaching 2008.....I kept saying 2008 is going to be great...well you know what...it wasn't. In some ways it was, I learned alot about myself this year but overall....the overall theme of this year was not one of my better years.
I am not sure I want to lay out any expectations for 2009....not yet anyway.
Still a few days left to ponder the new year.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Nothing says Merry Christmas better than booze!
What goes with every outfit, always fits and never disappoints? Alcohol! Woo hoo..bring on the holidays! I like drinking.
I talked before about living life moderately sedated and in talking with my friend Sarah yesterday I realized I've been making a good strong attempt at this in the last 6 months! I think I have drank more in the last 6 months then I have in the last year. I'm totally OK with it too. It hasn't negatively affected my life and I enjoy it. I've certainly enjoyed wine way more than I used to as well. Mmmm drinking is good.
Over the last few days I've gotten a few holiday gift and they have all been alcohol based....well except for my awesome talking calendar! That gift ROCKS! I think it's funny, the older I get the more simple the gifts that make me happy.
I love presents. I love giving them, I love getting them for others, I love watching other people open them, well probably not as much as I love getting them but still....presents make people happy. Isn't that what it's all about...being happy? Shouldn't we do that...try to make others happy and doesn't that in turn then make us happy? Isn't it a circle?
Don't we strive every day to be happy? To get to that point where we feel good about ourselves, our lives - happy. If little things do that then is that really wrong? I say no. If we do small acts of kindness towards others we all benefit. Maybe that's the plan for 2009 - stop focusing so much on the here and the now...the ME part of things and look outside myself to find what I'm missing and scoop up all the happiness I can. Maybe.
Today is my last day in the office until January 5th. I also am done with school until January 13th and quite honestly.....I hardly know what to do with all this time....not really time but with all the time my brain will have to not be otherwise occupied. No pushing in chapters of information that I will most certainly lose as soon as the class is done, no smiling while doing crap I don't want to do for others. No being taken for granted...well at work anyway, no trying to look my best....just me spending some time thinking and maybe cleaning out the noggin' getting it ready for a new year. I love time off. I don't know if I am ready to be all grown up.
So much seems possible right now. Is it possible?
Cheers!
I talked before about living life moderately sedated and in talking with my friend Sarah yesterday I realized I've been making a good strong attempt at this in the last 6 months! I think I have drank more in the last 6 months then I have in the last year. I'm totally OK with it too. It hasn't negatively affected my life and I enjoy it. I've certainly enjoyed wine way more than I used to as well. Mmmm drinking is good.
Over the last few days I've gotten a few holiday gift and they have all been alcohol based....well except for my awesome talking calendar! That gift ROCKS! I think it's funny, the older I get the more simple the gifts that make me happy.
I love presents. I love giving them, I love getting them for others, I love watching other people open them, well probably not as much as I love getting them but still....presents make people happy. Isn't that what it's all about...being happy? Shouldn't we do that...try to make others happy and doesn't that in turn then make us happy? Isn't it a circle?
Don't we strive every day to be happy? To get to that point where we feel good about ourselves, our lives - happy. If little things do that then is that really wrong? I say no. If we do small acts of kindness towards others we all benefit. Maybe that's the plan for 2009 - stop focusing so much on the here and the now...the ME part of things and look outside myself to find what I'm missing and scoop up all the happiness I can. Maybe.
Today is my last day in the office until January 5th. I also am done with school until January 13th and quite honestly.....I hardly know what to do with all this time....not really time but with all the time my brain will have to not be otherwise occupied. No pushing in chapters of information that I will most certainly lose as soon as the class is done, no smiling while doing crap I don't want to do for others. No being taken for granted...well at work anyway, no trying to look my best....just me spending some time thinking and maybe cleaning out the noggin' getting it ready for a new year. I love time off. I don't know if I am ready to be all grown up.
So much seems possible right now. Is it possible?
Cheers!
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