Swirling head, confused heart

I remember what it was like to be young and to be on my own for the first time. That sense of freedom, of the endless possibilities that lay before me. The first time I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and I didn't have to report to anyone! I remember finally being the captain of my own ship!! I thought I was something, I could finally do the things I wanted and not having to think about anyone else. I remember thinking "oh man, my parents SO wouldn't approve" but I did them anyway....consequences be dammed! :)

I did wild and crazy things like eating Taco Bell at 1am on a work night....or having people over and then waking up with them scattered all over my house the next day and climbing over them to get dressed and go to work, or get in my car and drive all night only to go swimming early the next morning in a freezing lake. Oh yeah, I was a wild one!!

I didn't break other people's things, or threaten people because I couldn't get my own way or throw trash out my window because I was too lazy to walk down a few flights of stairs to the garbage bin. Seriously....how do these people even exist? What did their parents do to them?

I support the NO RULES kind of a lifestyle, I applaud the I'M NOT CONFORMING TO THE MAN'S RULES thought and I absolutely approve of the I WANT TO CHALLENGE YOU BECAUSE I THINK YOUR WRONG mentality but not at the cost of other people's rights to live or enjoy their own space.

We had an incident with a very young resident last night that resulted in a sort of shouting match/almost altercation that really isn't over but I had to deal with. The problem is that not only am I a resident with a right to speak my mind, I am an employee so I have to walk a fine line. I can't be standing in our lobby having a shouting match with this young, immature, stupid boy, I have to be the bigger person as well as the adult and try to diffuse the situation.

It's not a place I find myself enjoying being. However, my other friend in the office is quite good at it. Maybe because she wants to be a lawyer when she grows up but she really can argue a point with a crazy person like no one I've ever seen! She really knows how to use her words...I really want to be her when I grow up!!

Long story short, I have to let it go but the thing that irks me...what gets under my skin is this young, immature, snotty nosed kid gets to walk around spewing whatever half truths he wants to about the situation, about me, about what really happened and I have to just let him. I can't share what's really happening, what really is going on because as an employee, I can't. I refuse to let him jeopardize my job because he's being an ass. I just hope the residents he's spewing his half truths too are smart enough to realize that. I can't do anything to change that but it does make me angry. I don't like it when other people get to talk about me and I can't defend it.

I remember being so young and thinking I could change the world but I wonder, was I really ever so irrational? I kept thinking to myself...what have his parents done to him? How did they raise a child so self-absorbed and why in God's name do they keep bailing him out? He needs consequences for his actions, there are some rules (like common sense or common courtesy for your fellow man) that just need to be followed. I can't believe I just said that, but honestly!

You can't turn your music on so loud that someone four doors down actually hears it IN their home and the floor thumps along with the bea tand not expect someone to be angry about it. What kind of a person lives in that much of their own bubble? And isn't it a lonely little bubble?

I started thinking, really this kid is a smart kid, he's got a lot going for him, youth, apparently an endless supply of money from others and he seems to be pretty generous. He's always cooking and sharing food (which a lot of our residents enjoy!) and he's pretty friendly. He really seems to want people to like him yet he keeps doing things to alienate them. If he would only use his powers for good instead of evil his life would be pretty awesome. It must be exhausting to live on the edge all of the time.

I thought about him on my drive in today and I think wow, he really must be so lonely that he has to constantly think up ways to cause chaos so he can get attention. Kinda sad really.

My thought from the Universe today is this:

Today make a call, ask a question, search the web, buy a book, pound the pavement, measure, cut, paste, poke, and of course, give thanks in advance.

Made me laugh a bit. I'm not sure how it all ties into my bigger picture but I think I will try to do what it says......I do give thanks though. Thanks for who I am, for what I have and for where I am. I can't imagine how different my life would be if I changed just one single thing in my own life right now....and I don't know that I would if I was offered the opportunity to.

Bring it on Universe.....I am ready.

Difference between anger and being hurt

Oddly enough I'm not angry or feeling hurt right now but I was thinking on my drive in how sometimes the people or things that make you really angry are usually things that come from people you trust and love. Family, friends, lovers.....children. Things happen and we get angry with strangers but in a different way. I was thinking about that because the last time I was really angry, I mean just pissed off, it was at a family member. I started thinking was I angry or just hurt by them, their actions, their thoughtlessness, their stupidity....anyway....then the Universe had this waiting for me when I got in. Creepy!

It sure is hard to get really angry at someone when you can think of all the reasons you love them. And you can - you're in their life because they love you.
The Universe

Anger is a strange emotion if you really think about it. I'm angry at the economy, I'm angry at the jackass that cuts me off as he races to get in front of me only to slam on his breaks because there is no where to go. Anger is just really a way to express your unhappiness at a situation, sometimes in a vocal fist to God kind of way. Is it really anger you are feeling though with family or friends or those closer to you or is it a type of betrayal, hurt, sadness maybe even disappointment?

I sort of expect strangers or others to not care about me, to not give me the time of day or to be thoughtful in anyway but with those I hold closer to my heart it hurts on a different level when they don't follow through on their words, or put you last, or forget your birthday or any of the other dumb ass kinds of things we do to each other. It's deeper, it hurts on a different level than a stranger doing something dumb and thoughtless to you.

We are complicated individuals. We need to have emotional releases and yet anger seems like kind of a funny one....if you really think about it. Do you know those people who never seem to be angry or get upset....I always wonder if they go home and secretly smash plates to release their anger.

Here's to anger free and hurtless days!

Feet planted firmly?

I’ve been feeling ungrounded lately, like I can't quite get my bearings or my car on the path. Almost like a cartoon characters whose feet are running a hundred miles an hour yet their feet never really connect with the ground below so they end up going no where really really fast.

I spent some time this weekend doing my angel cards, to help center myself and hopefully speak to my inner soul that seems so unsettled. Oddly enough, something changed, something shifted inside of me and all of a sudden it feels like things have become clearer. It's like the cards finally connected with something inside me and I felt like finally - I got it!

I did readings over and over asking questions and for assistance about what I needed to do next and the answer kept being the same - “it will become clear.” In other words, be patient! Something, if anyone knows me at all, knows I am not very good at. So I am trying it....I am trying to be patient, to relax, to just be calm and let things just be....it's hard but I am trying.

I don't know what changed, but today when I woke up, for the first time in a very long time I feel grounded, centered, content....happy almost with my own life. Is that a bad sign? Does that mean things are going to change? Hope not. I am going to enjoy this ride as long as I can.

Maybe it's because I'm on the edge of having some control and say again in what I want to do with my time, my energy, my thoughts? Maybe it's because some stressful things are ending? Maybe it's because for the first time in a very very long time I feel like I have peace....I feel calm and OK with my life. I hope it's not the calm before the storm.

It's funny how quickly things change, how a moment in time can shift and change thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure exactly what's made me shift into this mode but I am going to enjoy this ride while it's happening.

My weekend plans sort of imploded but that's OK.....I ended up having a perfectly fine weekend. Spent some time doing absolutely NOTHING. I also had some time to slip in some unexpected events and even got some bargain shopping in. I loved it. I would love another weekend like this one again very soon. I spent some time with some new friends and found it really refreshing to just be me and be accepted without all the baggage, the rules about who I am or who I am suppose to be or anything....NO RULES. Man that really was a good New (new new years!) Years resolution to make. Thus far it's worked out pretty good for me.

One of my messages from the Universe today was this:

If you're really honest you have to admit that things today, in your most amazing life, at this most amazing time in history, are far better than they've ever, ever been.

Well done,
The Universe

I say ONE of my messages because I had Friday and Monday off so I didn't check email until a bit ago so I had a few messages from the Universe waiting. This particular one just really fit into my mindset today.

I hope this continues.

I can't believe I am 11 days from graduation.....11 days! It's amazing on one hand and so freaking scary on another. I can't imagine being a young person just graduating into the world. At least I'm somewhat established and at least I have a job. If I were just coming out into the world with a degree and hoping to land a job I think I'd be pretty much screwed.

Although, truth be told, I'm kinda screwed now because I'll have my degree and I do have a job but since this economy is what it is, I'm kinda stuck where I am. I don't have a lot of options. Just a wing and a prayer. Hopefully things will change before I have to start paying back my student loans. I don't even want to think about that...but what can a girl do? Hopefully I will look back on this and say it was worth it.

So there it is....almost the end of May and I actually feel hopeful and content in my own life. Wild. It only took a few months to settle in, hope the rest of this year continues along this same path.

Moving at warp speed

It seems like the days are flying by but not much is getting done. The other day I had my windows open and I swear a tumbleweed went rolling through my living room. I haven't been home long enough to do any type of cleaning at all and it's amazing how much dust and craps builds up.

I really need to take some time and clean, organize and get my house in order. I moved into my new apt. back in the middle of January...or was it February? Regardless, it's been a work in progress since then and it's time I just bite the bullet and get it done. I feel like there is no time, like all I do is move from event to event to event and I have no direction. I keep running through life hoping to connect with something, with someone, with some ...... I don't know...but it's exhausting. I think I need to just stop....stop moving, stop pushing, stop looking, just stop.

Breath.....I need some time to just breath. I have to remember I can't force a life to be....it just has to be.

Reboot, Restart, Redo

Wouldn't it be nice if our lives were like a computer? If things are moving too slow, or we get bogged down or stuck we could just reboot ourselves. If only things were that easy.

It feels like the closer I am getting to the end of school the more frazzled and bogged down I feel. I don't know why. Lately I've been sleeping pretty poorly so I tried to stop drinking coffee, that lasted 3 days....I almost died I swear. So now I won't have coffee after noon. That has been working OK but I am still having terrible sleep issues. I can fall asleep immediately but I don't sleep long and when I wake up at 2 or 3am I wake up completely wide awake like I just slept for 10 hours. It's the weirdest thing.

I thought it was because I hate being alone so much but even when I'm not alone, it's the same thing. The problem is getting to be that I am so flipping tired during the day that I can barely contribute at any level and I've noticed I am getting what I call my "dad" attitude. I can hardly be civil to the those that annoy me.....and I want to be a better person than that. I don't want to be like that to people....even if they are dumb and annoy me.

I think it's hard to give energy to something that you don't really feel connected to or that adds value....that's how I feel right now about school. I don't see the value it's adding other than the fact that in 18 days I will be a college graduate!!!

I probably should think about taking some time off to decompress once school is done, but I am not planning any real stretch of time off until the 4th of July week. I'd like to get on a plane and lay on a beach or by a pool for 5 days and not talk to another person.....is that wrong? Could I actually do that? Could I be gone away from civilization and conversation? Probably not but it's a nice thought.

Because I am not sleeping I feel ultra crabby right now too and the littlest things are irritating the bejesus out of me. Things that normally I shake off or ignore but because I am a little sleep deprived they irritate me to a new level. These are things I have no control over like the whinny tone of this woman's voice, the fact that people nervously click their pens or that people in the cafeteria think they are the only ones that want to get a cup of coffee at 7am so they stand there mixing and stirring and sipping and just being complete self absorbed idiots. Crabby...yes I am a bit crabby today.

However, on a brighter note, I realized yesterday that in a work situation, really all a person has is their reputation. What others think of you can change or direct what others, even complete strangers, think of you. Yesterday we had a few outside vendors in and I put on my corporate me face and did my job, I greeted them, brought them to the room, helped them set up a projector, brought them water, made sure they had everything they needed to make a fantastic presentation. As I left the room I overheard a comment about how organized I was. A few of the other people in the room agreed and sort of sang my praises to these complete strangers. It made me think.....had those other people in the room not felt that way about me it could have completely changed the new people's perception of me. It could have gone completely differently.

I then remembered a conversation I had with my new friend Scott, he made some comment about me and my friends and said I was the "ring leader". It kinda of made me happy to think I had any kind of power like that at all. The ring leader....I like it!

My note from the Universe today is this:

Let's see... It's impossible to fail. Everything works out in
your favor. The elements conspire on your behalf. There are always reasons to be happy. Millions of lives are touched by yours. Thousands of people think of you fondly. Hundreds call you their friend. You can have anything you dream of. Things just keep getting better. And you live forever. Wildly unbelievable for a Hollywood script, but this is your life. Stranger than fiction,
The Universe

Interesting....life sure is stranger than fiction. Whatever will tomorrow bring?

Doing the unpredictable

If you do something unpredictable today so will I, times 10,000.
Careful now,
The Universe

What you don't want

I love my thoughts from the Universe. I often look forward to reading what they are going to be and seeing how much they tie in with my own life. Sometimes I completely forget about them and then when I get to work and open my email I have them waiting....like a fun surprise.


Things have been busy at work the past few days.....that's good but it doesn't give me time to do my own things...my own thinking, my own anything and then things get all bottled up in my head and then I have to spend a lot of time sorting through all the thoughts spinning in my head.


It's ok...there is a reason for everything....I get that. I was off on Friday and spent the weekend in Rochester for my admin Division meeting. Those meetings are always a fun time to reconnect with people who I don't see but a few times a year. Some are such rays of light in a day and others are somewhat.....not. It's not that they are mean or unpleasant, they are just sort of there. It's hard to explain. It's always a good weekend to learn new things, to make new friends and to cut lose and have some fun with people who like to do the same!! I especially like the Saturday night event because it's a dress up night and I might add....we do clean up pretty darn well. I don't get to dress up and be a pretty girl very often so I work extra hard at it. I think it works out well. Next year I think I might get a super princess dress!


Throughout the weekend, as I talked with some new friends, reconnected with some old friends I discovered many people, despite their age, are just like me. That no matter their age or lot in life it seems like everyone is searching...searching for that elusive missing piece. I heard this in many forms this weekend and it sort of surprised me. I always think I am on this journey alone. That somehow everyone else knows the answers it's just that no one wants to tell me.

There are somethings I know for sure, but these are mostly things I know that I don't want. I think it's easy to know that, it comes from a place of either having been there or from just knowing that isn't something you would want. In all the infinite wiseness that is the Universe, here was my message this morning:

Sometimes, the only thing you know for certain is what you don't
want. Yet often that's enough to go on.
Life is good,
The Universe

Kinda freaky how all that works out isn't it. If we can just name what it is we don't want does that mean we some how stumble across what it is we do want?

In all my haste to get ready for this last weekend I overlooked the fact that I have a paper and presentation due tomorrow for school. I think mentally I've checked out of class so I forget I have to actually do something more than the final 50/60 page paper. It's going to be a late night for me tonight while I try to muddle through this assignment. Only a few classes left so I can't complain too loudly!