Repacking your bags

I had the day off Friday and for the first time in a long time I didn't fill it with endless things to do. I had a late night Thursday night so I got up when I felt like it on Friday, lounged around then headed out to do a few errands.....alone.

I stopped at the half price book store kind of unintentionally. I was at a stop light that never seemed to change so I cut through the parking lot and as I was driving past the store I thought Hmm, I think I'll stop in...so I did...and I wandered for about an hour. As I browsed the store I found a book in the self help section, I am kind of a self help addict, and I randomly opened it to a chapter entitled Unpack your baggage.

It talked about how we all need people in our lives that we can unpack our baggage with, people we can just be ourselves with....no pretense, to walls just us. Basically it was saying we need to have people we can talk to about anything and everything in our lives and then when we are done, we pack up that suitcase, shut her up tight and go home. Basically that was the jist.

This made me think about the people in my life that I am able to "unpack" with. It's changed a lot for me recently. It's my own doings. I've had some life changes that have caused some people some distress and have caused them to pull away from me and me them I'm sure. Changes happen and roads get diverted and sometimes we have to stumble and wander down a path before we get our bearings again. That's where I am at.

Sometimes you find that person to unpack your stuff with but they change their path and since it's their journey all you can do is repack and start again. It's exhausting some days to pack and repack but that's part of the circle of life. All you can do is keep some space open and hope once they get far enough down their path and realize you aren't with them they will extend their hand out to you or come back for you....it sucks to be left behind with a full suitcase.

Although it's also an opportunity to start a new path, a new trail, a new trek. I guess the Universe is always providing new opportunities to grow, learn and move. Look what it said today:

Whatever it is you want, think about it. Think and think and think. And as surely as day follows night, that which you have thought about will be drawn into your life, be it answers, friendships, health, love or abundance.
It's the law.
The Universe

It all comes down to this....what you want is completely different from what you expect.

Being who we are

It's always a surprise to me when I question who I am. I mean I've worked a long, long time on creating the person I am, the person I continue to evolve into. It surprises me when I look at old pictures and remember who I was then, who I thought I was and where I thought I was headed. Seems like we get into a rhythm and life moves on and cruises ahead and something happens to make us pause and take stock again. I guess we have to always stop and take stock of who we are and where we are headed or we'd be bored...right?


It's funny, I think about it sometimes and I'm rather amazed at myself. I push myself to do things and go places and live so far outside my own bubble that I am impressed and then there are other days I feel like I could implode because I am so done with who I am and where I am at. I can't figure out the balance quite yet. It feels like a oddly balanced see saw. I suppose life is like that....sort of like a Forest Gump saying....life is like a see saw...sometimes your up, sometimes your down and sometimes you get to hang right in the middle...the "sweet spot".


At work there is a process we have to go through every year in terms of our goals/development. It's always been a point of contention for me because honestly......nothing changes. I've been here 23 years now....23 years and every year I fill out the form saying here is where I'd like to be - here is my "sweet spot" and 23 years later I'm really no place different. I've graduated school now and I'm stuck...stuck in a desk in the middle of constant chaos that no one seems to think is an issue except me. I'm kind of exhausted. Well more than kind of.


Exhausted by writing out what I deem my "sweet spot" to be and yet never being any closer to it. It's absolutely exhausting to come in and be invisible all day long, all week long and then have to write down on paper pretending like something will change, something that never happens. I realize corporations have processes and procedures but come on...stop asking me what I want to do or where I want to be year after year after year only to have me be right here. Okay, so I guess I'm a little frustrated with work right now.


I was talking with a friend yesterday remarking on how fast life changes, how fast our feelings, our thoughts, everything changes. What seems impossible today may be completely different in two months, heck in two days. We are constantly evolving and moving towards new things every single minute. It's really a bit scary when you think about it, how quickly things change. I have really liked the way things were going, I was enjoying the ride and now of course that changes. People leave your life and yes some new people come in but I hate it when people you want to be there can't be or don't want to be....it's hard.

The problem for me is I'm not very good at adapting to quick change. I can do it, it just takes me a little bit of time to grasp the concept, the change, the switch....especially if it isn't me making the change. I suppose everyone is like that...right?

I'm not saying my job hasn't evolved over time, it has, I get lots of new "opportunities" to do more of the same type of work...always for someone else's benefit...to help them, to assist them, to do some of the work for them. Work that they are being paid for but are too over-whelmed to do so I get to do it but of course with no pay for me.....those seem to be my "opportunities".


I get to do more and more of other peoples job with nothing more than a pat on the back (sometimes) as my reward - if that even comes. I'm really tired of being the....what's the right word......the go to person in every part of my life. I really want to be the person people think of FIRST just for a little while. Is that too much to ask for?


What does the Universe have to say to me today you are wondering?

It doesn't matter that the road's been rough, that you now have challenges, or that uncertainties loom on the horizon. None of these change the fact that for every thought you think today, worlds will come tumbling into existence. For every word you speak, legions will be called into action. And for every step you take, matter will be drawn from the ether.
Jeez - The Universe

Thoughts become things....choose the good ones. I keep forgetting that. Seems like I am possibly not focused on the positives in my life, I need to make that switch. Think good things and good things will come...right? Okay...worth a shot. Things always get better with time.

Here I go.......

Being First

I love being first. Not necessarily in a competitive I WIN kind of way, although that is fun too. I like to be the first one to open a jar of peanut butter, to use a new tube of tooth paste, to have the warm biscuit from the oven and to be the one to turn on the lights in the office...the first. I especially love it when I get to be the first one in the bathroom in the morning at work and the lights are out and you just know everything is clean and just waiting for the day to begin…..being first rocks.

It is however, oddly unsatisfying when you live alone. There really isn't any "game" to it...I always get to be the first.

Does being first really matter?

In an age when so many firsts have been made, finding new ones almost seems to require extreme creativity. We tend to glorify the pursuit of all things bigger and better and creating new firsts gets lost in the shuffle somewhere along the line. Being first gives us, well gives me, some sense of meaning. Every new thing leads us to another and another and it doesn’t matter what it’s about. As a society we have to constantly advance and push the envelope for the firsts: first human clone, the first person on Mars event to be the first female president…firsts matter.
But does being first really have the upper hand over being second or even fifth? Shouldn’t getting things done right matter more than doing it first? If we look back in time, the Constitution was not our first attempt at creating a governing document - it was our second and World War I really didn't end all wars did it?

Every time someone is the first at something, people subconsciously feel like it gives us hope. Hope because our futures are filled with firsts. Is the first always the best? Your first kiss, your first time, your first car….they all hold special meaning because they were the first time we experienced something but does that mean they were the best? Deciding whether something is best is nearly impossible to decipher because everyone brings their own measurements to the equation. By putting that stigma on a person, place or thing creates an unattainable level for future attempts.

I love being first, I want to be the first to tell people something they didn’t know. To try a new restaurant, to go someplace no one else has been. It makes me sound like an adventurous person, which I am not, but I like to push the envelope…I like to step out on that ledge and think about jumping.

"There's a new beginning waiting to unfold. It's just not time yet. When you fully honor what was, what will be, it will be worth the wait."

Marks of time

As a kid there are these moments in our life that are landmark moments.

Learning to talk, taking your first steps, learning to drive, graduating, getting your first place. All these moments in time mark the growing and learning we do to become adults. At some point in time these landmark moments stop happening. We reach adulthood and we become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and we just are. One day sort of blurs into the next and the next. I wish there were more challenging marks of our time as we age.


I feel like at this point in my life there really aren't these big landmark moments anymore. I mean it's not like I'm going to get married or have kids and then in turn grand kids....I graduated school and now it sort of feels like I don't really have anything left to get to....to achieve....to do. It's an odd feeling.

I like having something to look forward to...something to plan for....I'd give anything to have something to call my own. It feels like my faith is gone and I'm sort of coasting down life's highway with no GPS.

Then today what does the Universe say to me? Kinda spooky:

I know what it's like. I've seen it played out a few zillion times. You're waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they'll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they'll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
Well, I'm here to tell you your wait is over. That someone is you.
Good thing you rock, The Universe

I had a long conversation with a friend last night about our purpose.....our meaning...our reason for being and he came up with this quote....which I love - Once you start down a path that connects with your inner soul, your feet will find the rest of the path.

Makes me wonder, how do we really know where we are going? How do we decide what path to follow? What makes one person move towards something and another person move in another direction? Does our soul really guide us?

Be the spark

Let's put it this way: To perform like a "star," to steal the show, and to party with the "Gods"... take the stage, do the dance, and invite yourself.
Be the spark,
The Universe

The Sound of Settling

Happiness is not something we can buy. And it’s not something others can give us although it would be way easier if that were true. Happiness is about being connected. Connected with others gives us the feeling that we are part of the bigger picture, that we matter and ultimately that makes us happy.

Can we learn to be happy or does it just happen?

I suppose really true happiness starts with ourselves. If you don't treat ourselves like we matter, like we are important or forgive ourselves for our mistakes how can we expect others to?

Whatever excitement I lack in my personal life I try to make up for in my professional life. Is that wrong? maybe. My job for the past several months has been pretty mundane and unchallenging, it however has recently changed....more on that later. It was good because as I was finishing school I needed to have some balance. I couldn't handle super busy stress on all levels of my life but at some point there has to be a balance between my work life and my personal life. I've never been one to have my job rule my life.....don't want to be that kind of person and I've never really had the kind of personal life that rules my work life, don't want to be that kind of person either.

Recently I've sort of put myself "out there" again and I've been having some fun. My experience has been however, that I am becoming the "you'll do" person or the "side chick" and not just in my personal life....seems to have crossed over into my work life as well. It seems to be that I am the person people will go to if everyone else it to busy....I'll do.....if they need kill sometime before they go to another event....I'll do.

Feels like I'm always being "squeezed" into peoples lives or given "opportunities" when no one else is available. Honestly I don't know that I would mind it so much if it felt like the time people were spending with me was what they really wanted to be doing but when they keep checking their watch or talking on the phone or at work when they can't figure out someone to do some mundane task it seems to be me they come to.

I let it happen over and over thinking this time it will be different. This time they will acknowledge me and pay me what I'm really worth or really BE with me. It's kind of unsettling to realize it's happening on all fronts - and therein lies the problem.

Breathe.

Is this the sound of settling? Have I settled for this life? If so how do I change it?

The angel cards seem to be telling me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I find myself wishing too often for someone or something to fill up my time. I don’t feel satisfied with my job, well at least the pay portion of it - would it change if I were being paid for my work? At some point I have to make a tough decision on this I know.

I don’t like being alone and I don’t seem to have friends available to just hang out or to chill with. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings to the idea of NOT being alone and that doesn't mean romantically, but just not alone all of the time...it just makes me more prone to frustration and disappointment.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.

Hoo-fricking-ray!

Any suggestions?

Introspection

I have these angel cards that I like to use.....to help guide me, to help provide direction in my life. So last night a friend and I did a reading. I pulled the Introspection card which honestly couldn't have been a more perfect card at this time.



It reads: Your angel guidance is to find quiet space for contemplation and look within. It is time to withdraw and review your life. Taking time and space for yourself gives you an opportunity to recuperate from life's challenges, to reflect on the way ahead, strengthen yourself and prepare for the next phase of your life. During times of introspection, you can become aware of your gifts, your inner reserve and your wisdom. It is a time for healing. Still your mind and quieten your emotions. Ask for your angel's wings to enfold you and provide you with a safe haven in which to relax. Then you can listen to the promptings of your angel inspiring and guiding you.



Umm, isn't that what I've been doing? Apparently not well. Yikes. This card really struck a chord with me. It's rather chilling when you think about it.

Being quiet or being alone or thinking is never something I have been good at but clearly it needs to be done. I need to find some time and some space to get away, to think to be alone. I feel like it needs to be by water for some reason as well. Water seems to calm me, makes me feel better....even a nice bubble bath works.

It's funny how life seems to move so fast sometimes that it's only when you stop to pause that you realize it's changing. It changes everyday, every minute and yet only when we stop to breath do we really notice it.

Say my name Universe!

Sometimes people can be shouting at you, jumping and screaming, waving their arms up over their head and you just don't notice.

I know messages come to us in forms of people, places and events but sometimes I get really confused about what exactly it's trying to say to me....can it not just "say my name?"

Yesterday the Universe said this to me:

If you could actually stand in someone else's shoes to hear what they hear, see what they see, and feel what they feel, you would honestly wonder what planet they live on, and be totally blown away by how different their "reality" is from yours. You'd also never, in a million years, be quick to judge again.
Just sayin'

The Universe

It had special meaning to me because of a conversation I had with a friend and one of the things she said to me that really stuck in my head was "you are irreplaceable in our lives". This came about because I was starting to feel sorry for myself a little (OK maybe a lot). It has been a bad week last week in terms of self-esteem and personal issues that just sort of left me feeling like I'd completely missed the train. I felt like every one's lives seem to move forward, that good things are happening to all the people around me (and I couldn't be happier for them....they deserve it as much as anyone....but what about me??) and I felt like I live in a bubble - a bubble of nothingness. Hopefully I am past that moment, but sometimes you have to feel what you feel. This particular friend is one that I can say these things too and she doesn't run screaming from me...or avoiding me...or judging me...she just calmly talks me off the ledge and knows better days are ahead. I love her for that.

Anyway, that statement - "you are irreplaceable in our lives" really kinda sucked my breath away. How lucky am I that someone, anyone feels that way about another person...but that person being me made it even more special. Some one picked me....chose me....felt that way about me without any reason. Without me having to do anything but just be me.....makes me really feel important. So there is the Universe (and my friend) sending me a message and I heard it....I felt it....but I don't know that I absorbed it. I am going to try to retain it, to keep it in my brain for the days I really need an extra boost but I just know that for right now...it's very comforting.

Today I had a rough start to my morning. I fell asleep like a rock last night, and woke up just before my alarm - which makes me mad but I dilly dallied a lot this morning. Changed clothes like 8 times and just had a sloooowww start. Then come to work and they are out of cream for my coffee, why I can't keep my own up here in the fridge is beyond me but I shouldn't HAVE to. Anyway, there is this blonde, overly made up woman who is SO clearly past her glory days but refuses to admit it (I'm not judging, I'm just stating a fact!) who thinks EVERYONE thinks she's adorable and wants to be around her.

Let me go on record right here and now and say "no"...."no thank you", defiantly NO! She thinks she doesn't have to wait in line to get her coffee or pay for things and that it's adorable that she shouts in her mousy, sing songy voice "hold the elevaaatttooorrrr". Ugh. I have zero time or patience for these type of people. They do not get to rule the world, they do not get to have 6 people wait while she finishes a conversation so she can get on our elevator. Another will be along in 2 seconds....good day.

So...that was the start to my morning. All I could think about was MY GOD this is going to be the longest day E-V-E-R! Then my thought from the Universe today:

One of the trickiest things about life is that, at times, it happens so slowly. Yet... if... it... happened... any... faster... you'd... already... have... everything... you... ever... wanted... without... learning... to... enjoy... the... ride. Beep, beep.

The Universe

I feel like I need something to look forward to. An event, an outing - anything to keep me motivated to keep moving forward. I got nothing. I realize I can change that but when you have something you are waiting for or working towards it makes the ride bearable. Without any direction it seems mundane, dull, pointless. I need a purpose. Hmmm.....we seem to always come back to this moment don't we.....do we always re-evaluate ourselves to constantly be re-purposing ourselves. Is that even a word?

Is it just me or are we complicated little ducks? We always have to be evolving and changing and thinking and growing and doing or we shrivel up and fade away. I'm not ready to do that but I am ready for something new. I've been on an interesting road this year. Made some new choices, taken the road well worn and traveled by others but never me and I'm not sorry, I don't regret any of it but, I am confused by it.

I kinda feel like I'm in one of those cars from a carnival that has a steering wheel but it doesn't really do anything...you can turn and turn and turn the wheel but the car still just randomly goes where ever it wants to, occasionally bouncing off another car or wall and suddenly you realize your spinning in circles. Leaves me a bit whoosy just thinking about it.

How do you learn to hear what the messages are? How do you learn to listen to what the world is telling you? Stop this ride I want to get off....or at least hop on another form of transportation.

Partnership

Every once in awhile on Sunday mornings I watch the religious shows that are on tv - usually The Hour of Power. Sometimes they have such an engaging speaker and they just kind of draw me in. Sometimes the message grabs ahold and draws me in. Today's message is about partnership and what it means.


Partnership means that you come along side and "hook up" (not in a naughty way!) and do what they (or God) says to do. Basically the jist is that you connect with someone, you are two people heading in one direction. You do this together. It's when one person thinks they know more, or their opinions or goals matter more so you try to force the other person to go YOUR way. It's a visual message....it creates tension, struggle....if you have these in your life....check your partnership. It's clearly a message designed to tell us to follow God but really it's a good message to hear and put into your own life.


It seems everyone wants to be in a partnership with another person. It's something some people can't live without. But is it the right partnership? Is it being with someone just so you don't have to be alone or is it waiting and finding the "right" person to spend your days with? What if you never find that person? What if you never have that ying to your yang? Do you fill that need in another way? Are you able to or is it only through a partnership that you get those needs met?


Partnership is more than just having that one other person in your life. It's more than finding that one person you feel like you that you count on, that you connect with, that you choose to spend your time. That person you can let see you with all your walls down. There's something about having another person you know deeply that you can talk to without really using words. I think we all need to have a person who knows our heart, who can sit with you and just "be". Is it possible to know people so well that you don't even need to say a word?


It's about the connection one person makes with another deep in their soul....I think sometimes you can be in love with and spend your time with someone but they may not be your "soul mate". I think they are two different things. If you're lucky, I think they can be the same person but mostly I think they are different people. Does everyone get to have a soul mate?


Is it the goal in life to be in a relationship of some type? I am always amazed at how quickly some people fall into relationships...how quickly two complete strangers can be totally emeshed in one anothers lives. How fast you go from just knowing someone to all of a sudden knowing their heart and wanting nothing more than just being with that person all of the time.

Sometimes you find someone that you develop deep feelings for such as friendship, love, compatibility, not just romantic love and they play an important emotional role in your life. Souls come together because we have somehow attracted them into our life. These are people you meet along your life journey that are in your life to help you create balance. Usually the connection forms quickly. For me, this is someone I need to be in connection with several times a day and it's a connection I have like no others in my life.

Friends are important and essential in our lives but a soul mate or a partner is different. It's a different level. Friends fit into our lifestyle but a soul mate is someone you know on a different level. Once you connect with them the communication and connection is unmatched by anyone else around you. It's not the same as a romantic connection and I would argue it's even more important.

Can we live our life without a soul mate?

You're Beautiful

I can't imagine what life would be like if you were born just spectacularly beautiful. I mean you don't even have to work at it beautiful. I have been involved a lot in my own thoughts lately and one of my favorite things to do is sit and stare at the world and ask questions. I always have questions, it's the answers I don't know much about.

I look at some people and they are breathtaking. Maybe they've spent hours getting that way, some have you can tell, but some just are. They are beautiful without having to do anything. I imagine life is an open book for them. They are the chosen ones. I think about that and wonder how would life be different if I were one of the "beautiful" people.

I have my days where I feel pretty darn good about myself....and I have days when people comment on how I look...in positive ways and I often am surprised and shocked by it. I always want to say "um do you know who I am?" But I don't.....I thank them and I then ponder it. What makes today any better than yesterday? Did I spend a little more time preening? Why is today a particularly good hair day? I don't have the answers...again, more questions than actual answers!

In my world it seems that the beautiful people live charmed lives. They have doors opened (figuratively and literally) in front of them all of the time. They have boys (or girls!) falling all over themselves to be with them, to buy them things, to spend time with them to want to just do things for them. I see it all the time. They smile, shake their ass a bit and wala....the doors of opportunity fly open.

Is it enough? Is it superficial? Are they truly happy? What happens when their looks go away because they always go. Time is not kind to any body. I don't care how much surgery you have, time is not a friend to any of us. Things droop, we wrinkle, we grey, we sag, expand and yet if someone truly loves us they don't see any of that. I can barely let anyone see that now much less thinking what 10 or 20 more years will bring to this body. Ugh.

I imagine beautiful people are happy and content with their lives and they never want for anything. Realistically I know that's not true but beautiful = happy....doesn't it? I know...there is much more to a person than their outsides. I've been banking on that fact for years, I get that, I understand that but the reality is people want the pretty people. They want to be them, to be seen with them, to be one of them - is there a privilege to being beautiful?

When it comes to society’s standards of beauty, there are many common notions like "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" or "beauty is only skin deep" but what about us average folks? What have we to offer? I guess we help to put the pretty ones up on those pedestals they are on. We keep them there. Is being pretty on the inside even possible? How do you transform that to pretty on the outside?

Un-do-over-able?

Are there just some things you can't "do-over"?

I think about some of the things I've done over this last year and I want to do some of them over because I know I can do better, I can get better results, I can give more, I can not say something out loud...."do-over" but it made me think....are there some things we can't?

Things like your first kiss - you can't do that over. You can't change that moment, that feeling, that butterflies flying wild and free inside your gut. You can kiss new people for the first time but it's not really the same as your VERY first kiss. How about the first time you fell in love, I mean truly and seriously IN LOVE? Oddly enough my first kiss and my first love were the same person....Andrew something. I really loved him.

I remember the moment I fell completely head over heels for him. I was 14 or 15 an we lived in these town houses in Country Club Hills, Illinois. It was summer and the big thing we did was play hide and seek and I remember him grabbing my arm and pulling me with him. We hid together and he whispered to me that he thought I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen and we kissed. I almost died. It didn't occur to me that this moment would later become something you hold all your other first kisses up too. That moment was so perfect and etched in my brain as magical despite the fact that it took place in a industrial sized garbage dumpster. There was lots of new construction going on in my neighborhood and for some reason we thought climbing into this dumpster full of wood, nails and God knows what else was a brilliant place to hide.

I wouldn't re-do those events. Even all these years later it makes me smile. But there are many other things I would like to re-do but when I think about them is it even possible? I mean haven't I become the person I am today because of events that have happened or haven't happened? If I do them over will that change me? Will it change where I am? Is that what I really want?

There are somethings I'd like to DO. Things I have always wanted to do....thus my "list" but do I really want do overs? Maybe on somethings and I guess I get to choose what I want to do over. I know there are things I could do better on like a test or a paper or an article I've written, maybe a dinner I've botched.

There is a fine line between reality and pretend.......the reality is you can't really do over the first time of anything. There is more than the event attached to it. Emotions, feelings, memories, the entire experience. Pretending the event never happend......I guess that can be done. Why not, we do that all the time. Isn't that what the words "I'm sorry" are for? Sort of like a Tide stick for your life.

Say cheese!

"The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good friends, good conversation - they are the happiest people in the world. They are not only happy in themselves; they are the cause of happiness in others."

Lately I've had this love for pictures. I love taking them, I love looking at them, I even kind of enjoy being in them again. For a long time I avoided them. Mainly it was more about how I ended up looking in them. My internal mirror was covered in Vaseline because I used to think I looked good and then I'd see a picture of myself and be like reall? What the hell...why do I look like a hobbit? Anyway, now I find that if I am taking the pictures (self portraits have really become my specialty!) I can control that better and I actually like my pictures - well I do make some crazy ass faces sometimes but overall, I enjoy them.

I was adding a few new pictures to my picture wall last night and it occurred to me why I like pictures so much - it's a moment in time that made me really, really happy. It's a moment, an event, a situation that I was with others who are choosing to be with me at that very moment. I look at these pictures and the whole event comes flooding back to me and it makes me really happy. I love pictures! I love that with one snap of a button I can capture an event that will always be with me. It's funny how that saying is so true - a picture is worth a thousand words.

Sometimes I look at old pictures that I barely remember or that I wasn't a part of and I wonder what was happening at that time? What made this moment in time happen? Was it planned, spontaneous or a surprise? Did they mean to wear that? Especially old pictures from my parents. What ever happened to my grandparents pictures? They must have taken pictures at different points in their lives...what ever happened to all of those moments in time? What will happen to my pictures? When I am dead and gone no one will even care or know who these pictures are of. Will they end up in some second hand shop that some stranger will pick through someday? I can't stand the thought of them not having meaning.

It's funny - I never realized how much power a picture has. I mean I know they can evoke emotions and they have meaning but really, in the entire scheme of life they have power. Take my parents wedding pictures for instance. I bet they planned and saved and took the time to be sure they had all the "right" pictures to capture that day, that moment, their "love" and then twenty some years later they are simply shoved in a box in a garage rotting away just like their love did.

Strange how a picture at one moment in time can mean so much and after some time it just doesn't. How can something go from meaning so much to just being a simple colored image of people?

One of my favorite pictures I own was taken in October 0f 1982 in Disney World. It's a picture of my grandfather in his golf shirt and polyester mustard colored pants with his hat on. He always wore a hat and he always wore a golf shirt....like a polo shirt - he may have been a trend setter in his days! He's standing with Goofy and he's smiling and there is this sort of calm joy about this picture. It's this one second in time where I'm sure my grandmother said "Miles go stand by Goofy and smile". I'm sure he grumbled the entire time he walked over to stand next to Goofy and put his arm around him and for this one brief second in time - he stopped, smiled and just was. He appears to be happy, healthy and really enjoying his time. This is the moment in time this snapshot captured.....it secured for me 27 years later this sense that at this very moment in time, in October of 1982, everything was right and good and happy. A mere 12 years later he would be dead from cancer.

We just never know when time will change - that's why I like pictures. I like the joy and the moments in time they secure, the emotions or feelings they can convey to me years later. I think I need to take more.

Hurry hurry, no wait wait

It's true the early bird gets the worm.
So does the late bird and the bird in-between.
Because by design, there are always more than enough worms.In fact, the only bird that doesn't get a worm, is the bird that doesn't go out to get one.
Oh, to be alive....
The Universe

I've always been the type of person that feels like I need a list...not necessarily a physical list, but a list in my head even of the things I need to do. Sadly as I've gotten older that list seems to get forgotten a lot so it's actually better now if I do write things down but overall lists have been a way for me to feel like I'm accomplishing something. I feel some significant pride and a sense of completion by checking things off a list.

However this weekend after having some downtime, I realized I don't really have a lot to add to my own "to do" list anymore. It's strange when one notices that things are significantly different in their own life. This opens up tons of opportunities for me I realize. I just want to find the right things to spend my time on. I don't want to just fill my time up to fill it. I want to enjoy what I am choosing to spend my time doing. I want to enjoy what I am doing and not just rush through it. It's going to take come conscious decisions to make this feel right.

Last night I laid on the couch staring out my window at the world wondering how to we know what are the right choices? How do we know that what we are moving towards is something we are not just trying to move away from? Life is constant motion and movement and I realize we have to keep moving, keep plowing ahead but when we do stop, when we pause, it kind of becomes muddled....at least it does for me.

Muddled meaning I start to question the things I am doing, seeking, wanting, working towards. Is it really what I want or something I've told myself I have to have, have to be or have to attain to matter, to be accepted, to be happy to be. I start to question all the things, people and events I spend my time on and I wonder what made me choose them in the beginning? What makes me continue to choose them? What makes them continue to choose me? Is there always something new there to replace something old?

So many more questions that answers. Isn't that always the case.

Saying hello

I admit it, often I live in my own bubble. I am wrapped up in my own thoughts, my own feelings, my own garbly gookiness that makes me "me". Especially in the morning. I get up and out the door pretty early most days and it takes me awhile to kick into gear. I usually drive to work with the radio blaring but I sort of stare ahead with a fresh from the grave glazed look. Probably not the best way to be driving but it's true.

Sometimes things happens to snap you out of your own daze and today I got the giggles as I came trudging into work and this moment happened.

Here's the scene: I am house and dog sitting for a friend, she has two labs who apparently don't appreciate a thunderstorm (me either) or rain....it kinda freaks them out so they climb into bed with me thinking they are lap dogs...they are not. Anyway....I woke up at 5:30am with these baby's...decided to get up, shower, feed them and come into work...my plan is to leave early. So in my daze I come trudging into the building dodging raindrops and as I am walking towards the escalators the cleaning woman who I see almost every day as I come in starts smiling and waving aggressively in my directiong while yelling "good morning"!

I snap out of my haze and wave back enthusiastically and yell back "morning"....that's when I see the confused look on her face. I am thinking....what? Did I forget to get dressed? Nope, I'm good but I am now quite confused. I turn to get on the escalator and that's when I see a person behind me....also a cleaning person, whom she apparently was waving and shouting good morning to. I start to giggle and kinda bust out laughing thinking she has to think I am a super freak.

However, I think we are going to be BFF's now....for sure...because now we have established a bond, a connection- a relationship if you will and going forward she is going to HAVE to acknowledge and wave to me or it will be really awkward. ha. Isn't it funny when we start to live outside our own moments the things that happen. If I had just stayed in my daze I would have missed that moment and I would have just continued on my way and I wouldn't have this new connection. I can't wait to see this woman again so I can wave enthusiastically at her and shout "good morning"!!!

It's all about little moments. These seconds in time that we don't really think about, that we don't think matter or make a difference but then somewhere along the way it comes back to you and you think...humpf....that did matter, that did make a difference. My one friend and I call it "spreading our joy". We like to make comments to strangers about things they are wearing or doing or whatever....we like to make note of it. To make someone smile, to get outside of their own self for a few minutes and we have seen the effect it has on them. Sometimes we encounter the same person twice, like the barista at our favorite coffee shop and they remember us. They seem to greet us differently, or they stand straighter or they smile knowing we are there to add some unexpected joy to their day. It's all about these little moments.

Too bad we can't bottle them up and save them for rainy days. To brighten up our own souls when they need it. We need out own joy keepers.

Back in time

Isn't it funny how a song can instantly transport you back in time. Or a smell or a food? The past few days I've have several moments where a song or smell instantly transported me back in time.

The smell of Opium perfume takes me back to my 18 day trip to Hawaii when I was 25. It was probably one of the bravest vacations I had ever had up until that point in my life. I went with some friends but I purposely took time away to do things on my own several days and I couldn't have had a better time. I spent time at the Marine base there, made some new friends - like on the bus tour and then I was voted queen of the luau and then days later I'd be walking on the street and some random stranger would recognize me and scream out Alele lolo - which meant crazy queen. I'm sure I didn't spell it right at all but it's a fun, fun memory. I bought that perfume special for that trip...it was an indulgence and yesterday I smelled it on someone one and it brought a flood of memories back to me.

I remembered the flea market I had to buys so much stuff at and I don't own one piece of that stuff anymore. The pineapple factory I visited and the mumu shop...yes I bought one...ha ha ha. The swim up bar at the Ileki hotel that I wasn't staying at but I would sneak over and swim there and order drinks and randomly charge them to some room. Oh yes...I was a rebel! It's funny how a smell can bring that all back.

What am I doing now that will come back to me in 5 years or even a year? What will trigger memories for me going forward? I know you can't plan or control them but it's funny how somethings happen and you have no idea of their significance in your own life until they are way over. What are we doing on a daily basis to build that for our future days?

Is every part of our lives connected with the past? Do we ever get to a point in our future where we don't even think about, miss, talk about the past? Is our ultimate goal to keep moving forward, to keep sailing towards that next shore and just leave it all in our wake? How do we know what is worth hauling along for the ride and what's worth dumping on the shore?

Where is it all going?

I realize everything happens for a reason and at the time we may not even realize or know it but there is a method to the madness that is our own lives. Sometimes we don't see it or understand it until its over or past but it's all going according to plan. I just wish I had an idea what that plan was!
The Universe adds this as usual:

If you can just remember where this is all going, Dawn, no road will be too bumpy, no night will be too lonely, and no price will seem too great. Plus, with just a wink your confidence will bring peace to nations.
Careful now,
The Universe

It's hard to see where we are going sometimes. I mean we keep moving and trudging along our own life path and one day we realize we like where we have landed or we are content with where we are and we stay there...we settle down, plant roots, become engrossed with all that our lives have developed into and the something changes, something happens and we become uncontent. '

Is that even a word?

Darkest before the Dawn

Things change....can't stop it....life would be boring and uneventful if nothing ever changed but man....I just wish it didn't all come at once. Why can't it be slow and quiet?

My message from the Universe today:

How is it that with so many brilliant beings on your planet, so few recognize that when one's life encounters turbulence, choppy waters, or setbacks, it's always a sign that things are about to get wildly better than they've ever been before? And I'm not talking about the dolphins.
Don't fight it,
The Universe

Wildly better than ever? Really? It's hard to imagine that things are going to get to that point. It feels overwhelmingly unpleasant. I hate being content and satisfied with life when all of a sudden you have to re-shift and readjust your mind set to accommodate the new stuff....can't things just be like they are for a little while? Why do we always have to keep changing?

What's wrong with the same old for a short time?