Sundays

I used to love Sundays when I was little. It was the one day both my parents were home and sometimes, not often, but sometimes we had nice Sundays. Sometimes we'd have to spend the day cleaning or doing lawn work or crap I hated but sometimes we'd get to do something fun. I used to love to go grocery shopping with my dad. It was something my mom rarely did because my dad was really the major cook in our family. I loved wandering the asiles looking at all the food and helping him load up the cart and talk about his plans for cooking....I miss being a part of something like that. I thought about that as I grocery shopped this morning alone at The Cub.

I had made a listbefore I left, but as I rounded one corner there was this display set up, with a coupon of course, that was basically trying to sell you a meal. It was tacos..so it was hamburger, lettus, salsa, cheese and tortillas. If you bought all that you could save $4.50. It made me think of shopping with my dad. He would ask me while we were shopping questions like what would I like for dinner on some night and I remember feeling like I'd just won the lottery because I got to choose something that the whole family would eat. My favorite...what did I want!! It made me think good thoughts about my childhood. Is it weird that my good thoughts happen to be food related? Hmm, never even considered that until just now. Interesting. I miss having someone around to shop with or to shop for. Not all the time but I guess on gloomy gus days like today I wish I had that. I see people coming in the building together laughing and carrying grocery bags and I kinda want that. Weird what the weather makes you think about.

A friend had a bbq last night and it was so laid back and casual that by 9:30 we were all pretty tired...of course we had stuffed our bodies full of steak and crab legs so I imagine the meat coma was settling in. Wish I didn't have to work today, I'd kinda like to be laying around watching lifetime movies slipping in and out of naps all day today....oh well. I'll be glad at the end of the month I'm sitting here surfing the internet watching people go on with their own lives.

Man I am so digging this cooler weather, I love summer and the hot days by the pool but these cool days and chilly nights make me really happy. Although I had a freaky weird dream last night - must have been all that meat I poked in. I read yesterday in a People magazine that James Gandolfini got married to a fairly younger woman and I thought it was weird because I always sort of think of him as Tony from The Sopranos and thought what about his wife....but I dreamed I was on some reality dating show and it was my turn for a 1:1 date with James Gandolfini. He took me to his house which was at the end of this dirt road and next to a huge factory. The living room was just pillows, no real furniture any where just a ton of pillows and he told me to wait there and he went down a hall. Then this woman, a bleach blonde, comes out and tells me to leave because she was going to be with James not me and we got into a fight, like a physical fight and then all of a sudden were in a boxing ring. It was bizarre. Then we realized we didn't want to fight and I left. I left in a limo....which I had not arrived in and I kept thinking this is so weird, I didn't come in a limo. Wild.

This cool weather gives a girl odd odd dreams.

Night club or bar?

Words have power. I know that but it's funny how one word can change the way you feel about something. I was talking to this older gentleman and he was telling me a story about when he and his buddies used to go out to the night clubs and tip back a few. That image is so much more graceful than going to the bar and getting trashed. I like the way words have the power to take you to a certain place in time with just the mentioning of them.

Maybe that's why I have such admiration for writers...they have the ability to conger up images by using words. To take one back, or forward, to some place in time with just the spelling of letters. What a gift that must be. The power that comes from making your fingers type what your mind is thinking amazes me. I like to think I can do that but I am such an amateur at it that mine tends to me more of a babbleness of words (is that even a word?) that flows out of me that it doesn't feel like it's at all at the same level.

I adore days like today! The coolness of the air and the bright sunshine give me such a sense of contentment that I wish I could bottle it and use it other times. This kind of weather makes me want to cook...isn't that funny...I don't even really like to cook but it makes me want to want to cook. Aren't we complicated individuals!!!!

There is no path. The path is made by walking.

That may explain why I can't ever seem to find this coveted path. This was an email quote I received today - it's funny how topical they seem to be. As I was leaving my apartment this am 2 cop cars and an ambulance were sitting right outside the front doors. It made me wonder whose life was in the process of changing...and probably as a surprise to them. I was thinking isn't is odd how quickly life changes...how fast the path your on seems to get covered with moss or overgrown with trees to the point that you can no longer even see the path you thought you were suppose to be on....paths....who said we have to be on one anyway?

I remember back to my high school days when it was career day...I thought back then that I would be a teacher, that I would have a classroom full of kids that adored me....isn't that funny. Of course being a teacher is rewarding in it's own rights I'm sure, when it came down to me really committing to that life I didn't...I got scared and stopped. Scared I'd never make it through school, scared I'd be a terrible teacher or worse yet, scared I'd be a teacher but the kids would all despise me...so in typical me fashion I talked myself out of that path. I still wanted to be with kids though so I nannied for several years. I loved it...the family mostly loved me but like any family, they had their dysfunction and the kids grew and soon they didn't need me either...that path ended. Then I was stuck...confused....I was in my early 20's, no education past high school and I was trying to find a job other than working at Sears selling maintence agreements (telephone sales) - ahh...where would the path next open up to me? My parents advice to me as I was ending my senior year of high school was not to waste my time with college. Can you imagine telling that to your child? Anyway, I of course listened and here I was, early 20's and no real options. What a path. I ended up going through a temp agency and they sent me here...where I have basically spent the last 20 plus years crawling up the corporate food chain.

Hmm, interesting path isn't it. I left once - it was a scary dark place out there and within a year I found myself back...back home? Well back here anyway. I don't regret it...I don't even regret leaving because I really learned alot about myself and my real value and I think about that alot. I did meet some really great people, some I still stay in contact with so overall really good. So as I pulled into my parking spot this morning I thought alot about where I am...where I want to be (still don't have that answer) and how I think I'm going to get there....don't have that answer either but I do know that I am done with school next year and having a 4 year degree had better be a freaking stepping place on my path or I don't know what I'll do. Is it possible to cut your own path through uncharted territory? The settlors did it so I suppose I could too.

Here is my thought from the Universe today as well...weird how it always ties into my own personal thoughts. Maybe the Universe is real?

Whenever your perspective on something creates emotional pain, it's always because your perspective is still so narrow that you've yet to see all the good it will make possible. Because it will.

Can one become interesting?

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore... and who always will. It's useless to worry about the past - obviously it cant' be changed - all you have is the future...so listen to your soul and move forward."

I liked that quote, it sort of tags onto yesterdays thought but I thought it fitting for today as well. Today I wonder....can a person become interesting or is that something you just are?

I don't know that I would call my self interesting...I'm kinda boring really, I mean I get up, go to work, go home, sometimes go to school, or to a second job or occasionally out to dinner with a friend. I live alone, have no kids and until recently I didn't even have the Internet at home...how am I interesting? In the past few days I have been told a few times that I was an "interesting" person. I am not sure what that really means...does it mean strange, weird, odd, stupid, boring and they are just being nice by using the word "interesting"? Kind of like you do when your friend gets a new hair style and you say "Wow...that's different" and you really mean "Dear God that's horrible!". Anyway, I found those comments - well interesting.

I want to believe I am an interesting person, that I have things to bring to a conversation or to a group of people but is that one's own disillusion? Food for thought.

Here is another thought that came to me today as I overheard a conversation this am from these two people saying all the things they wish they had done this summer. Made me think did I miss out on something? What do I wish I would have done? I started to make a list....in no particular order here are some things I wish I had done:
1. Rode a horse
2. Gone fishing (I think I might enjoy it. I think I want to try ice fishing)
3. Learn to enjoy cooking
4. Walk around the lakes (any lake)
5. Spend time in a cabin on a lake
6. Gone to an outdoor movie (do they even still have those?)
7. Drive a real golf cart (don't want to golf, just want to drive the cart!)
8. Go to an outdoor concert
9. Have a water balloon fight
10. Lie in the dark and watch the stars

Time goes by so quickly and it's hard to plan things...the best things are the spontaneous unplanned events...they always provide me with the most fun. Isn't that an interesting thought.

Problems are messages

Really? Problems are messages? I've always thought of problems as - well - problems...pains in my ass, something I need to figure out, something I wish SOMEONE else would figure out for me - but messages...never would have gone there.

I had dinner (mostly drinks! I was DD though) with a friend last night and she was sharing some of the situations (um problems) in her life right now and it wasn't just about how to solve the problem immediately it was more about the long term aspects of how the decision would effect (or is it affect?) her life in say 10 or 15 years...down the road. I was stunned by her insight into herself. I've never been one to think much past the moment...the here and now and here was this MUCH younger girl trying to make the right decision for the long run...I had to buy her another drink! I've always admired people that have the ability to look at themselves or their lives in such an objective manner. I'm barely able to think ahead to this weekend and worried that I might make a wrong decision regarding my social activity (or lack there of) and she is thinking long term life decisions. Wow...where did my parents go wrong?

You can always blame your parents....I've known mine my whole life and I've come to accept the dysfunction that is my family for what it is...I used to try to change it..to wish it were something else but you can't you can only accept and move past. Funny isn't it how different everyone learns to deal with their own damage. Some people forge ahead and build a better life for themselves and others sort of sit and wallow in the dysfunction. My left eye is driving me nuts these past few days, must be allergies, but it's watering and sort of burning all the time and one of my co-workers said try some benadryl and I said I just want to pluck it out. Then I thought that's kinda what I want to do with things...problems...just get rid of them.....rather than deal with them...interesting what a watery eye can make one realize about themselves before 7:00am isnt' it.

My message from the Universe was this today:
Even when the earth suddenly shakes, tides unexpectedly surge, and all hope seems lost, in the split second that follows I have a brand new plan, I know what we'll do, and I've got the pedal to the metal.

Just get back in your saddle and ride,

The Universe

Weird how things all just tie into one another isn't it.

Does your soul have a voice?

I had to come into work really early today (6:15) because we had a breakfast meeting at 7 I had to help get set up for. I am really convinced that the wrong people are running the world. We had a breakfast that was sponsored by an outside group and they seemed sort of incompetent. First the people setting things up got here much later than we did, they were completely unprepared...they had huge banners to hang but nothing to hang them with and even though people had to register for this event (over 100 people) they all had to stop and sign in AND hand write a name tag...honestly....the wrong people in the wrong jobs! I wonder, are they happy doing their jobs?

As I drove into work the sky was this errie cloudy hub bub of activity just waiting to happen. At one point giant rain drops came spitting out of the sky like giant balls of water pelting my car and then just stopped. It was really odd. I started thinking how nice it would have been to just lay on the couch and stare out at this all day pondering life's meaning but I was already dressed and on my way to work so I couldn't do that. I was listening to my favorite cd (Jay Brannon) and his one song I really love that has the line that says why can't I have it all...that made me think about my own life and the struggle I have been having lately as I try to figure out my purpose (again!) and my inner voice spoke up or finally made it through all the outside chatter.

What does my soul want? Wanting is very different from needing...what does my inner soul want? Then I wonder...does my soul have a voice? Has mine been talking to me and I just can't hear it? I get by fine, I go about my life and my day to day activities without any real concern or issue and maybe it's an age thing but lately I really feel like something is missing. I can't figure it out. What does my soul need. It's clearly missing something and I just can't seem to hear what it's telling me. I admit I haven't been very good at listening to it but it is clearly trying to tell me something. The dictionary defines a soul as: the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life. Immaterial essence of an individual life. I think there comes a point in time that we have stuffed down our own voice for so long and knowing my voice, it can't be kept quiet very long before it starts shouting like Horton Hears a Who...I'm here....I'm here. Great, now what do I do with that?

Does age really matter?

The first time I really became aware of age was when I was about 10 or 12. I remember having this realization that my parent were OLD - they were in their 40's - this of course made my grandparents in their 60's. I remember this moment so clearly thinking wow...I wonder if I'll ever be that old. I remember wanting to be 18 so badly so that I could move out and have my own life but I sure didn't want to be in my 40's.

As I laid in bed this morning listening to the planes rattle this house (I'm house and dog sitting over near the airport) I thought...Jesus....I'm in my 40's....getting closer to 50 everyday...wow. It also seems that as I get older people around me seem to get younger. I don't feel old and the people I hang with don't seem to mind my age but when you really thing about it...I'm old.

Does age really matter? I mean does it really make any difference in the way people communicate or connect? It's more about how you feel with the other person...right? But if you don't have anything in common then I guess age does really matter. Sure there is a certain maturity and calmness that comes with age but I've met some young people that seem to have that as well....so it's hard to say. I just don't want to BE old.

There is a difference between being old and becoming old. Age is really just the # of birthdays you have and becoming old is more in the way you act and portraty yourself. I love that people don't beleive I am as old as I am. It gives me great joy but it doesn't change the fact that it's hard to get past the fact that I have been around a long time and it's probably my own issues with my own age that limits me. I realize alot of the limits are self imposed but they are still limits. My 5 year old nephew has now reached the age where he stops running into my open arms whenever I arrive - he also hates to give you a hug as well. I've accepted this from my 15 year old nephew, even though I still grab him and hug him much to his dismay, I don't accept it from my 5 year old nephew. Man - it kinds blows to get old.