Memories

What would you do without memories? Would you choose to not be able to remember? What if you could choose to not remember the bad things? Some of us do that selectively anyway but what if?

What if you didn't remember you had a sucky childhood, or that you got your heart broke the first time you gave it away? What about all the bad choices you've made, what if you could just forget them. If you could would that mean you would then forget all the good things to? Would you forget that your grandparents loved you unconditionally? Would you forget what it felt like to love and to be loved in return? What it felt like when you left home for the first time? Can we choose our memories?

I have this one very distinct memory of my father that is probably the one real time I can remember feeling safe, protected even loved by him. Not that he ever endangered us or anything but he was kind of this non present person in my life most of the time. I was in grade school, 3rd or 4th grade and we lived in Chicago. A fireworks factory blew up and caused great distress because people didn't know what was happening and they all assumed we were being bombed. Chicago doesn't seem like a hot spot for bombings but whatever. Anyway, I remember sitting in the basement of the school huddled with my sister waiting for something to happen. I remember looking up and seeing my dad standing there frantically looking around for us and I remember the HUGE releif I felt as we ran into his arms. I never felt more safe or loved. It's funny....I wonder if my dad or even my sister remembers that in the same way I do?

What would your life look like if you didn't tell yourself things were difficult or that you couldn't do that? Where would you be? What if you couldn't have a negative thought about yourself? You life would look very very different. You begin to live in a whole different color.

What color is fear, hate or even failure?

Ho Ho Ho this year has to go

It's been an interesting year. They always are. Started out the year with hope for a lot of great things planned for myself and as usual, life got in the way. It hasn't really been a bad year, but I am really ready for it to be done. Bring on 2009.

I find I really struggle when too many things go awry at once in my life. I can handle change, I can handle dissappointment - fine, whatever...bring it on but when all aspects of my life at once are experiencing downward turns it gets a little overwhelming and I tend to want to burrow in and hide from the world. I need to be away from all outside forces and let the dust settle until things calm down again...it's not the right thing to do I'm sure but that's what I need to do. At least that's what I've really discovered about myself. People who know me well know how much I like to do things, I hate being alone - maybe hate isn't the right word, I don't enjoy it. I usually have stuff going on all the time but lately I've found that if I hide away from the world I am able to think and sort things out. It's hard to get others to understand that I need to do this. It's not personal, it's just what I need to do.

It's too bad this is all happening at this time of the year, it's usually my favorite time of the year. October through December is usually my peak time. This year however, it's really taken me by surprise how unmotivated I am to participate in the holidays. Ugh. I need these next few weeks to be done so I can move onto the new year with a fresh plate and hopefully a fresh perspective.

This too shall pass, it always does.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream

I've really been active on the dream front lately. One would say it's because I keep such a busy life that I don't allow my own thoughts to penetrate my psyche so it has to wait until I am asleep to sink in and make me think...I say there is just too much going on around me to process it all until I sink into sleep.

Anyway, dreams are your body's way of catching you up on what you are blocking or missing on a daily basis. Last night I dreamed I was at a garage sale in this huge tent and the only thing for sale were pictures. All kinds....framed, snapshots, moving pictures (like in the Harry Potter movies) and I was looking at all the pictures but a few of my friends were standing back at the table you pay at and talking about which pictures I was going to like....almost like they were betting on it. It's weird because it was a mix of my friends, friends from my life, school, work and from ET - weird mix.

Then my friend Val came up to me and said don't you want this picture? It was a 3-d picture and I said I needed to see it hanging up on a wall to decide. Then my friend Eric came up and opened a door in the tent wall and we were in his house and hung the picture up and we stood and looked at it. He decided that he liked it and wouldn't give it to me. I was arguing with him and he just kept laughing at me saying no...it was his now. I was getting so angry because of course now I WANTED the picture. Then another person came and told me I had to leave. It was so bizarre!!! Hmm....were we really arguing over a picture? Wonder what it really means.

I looked up a sale and here it what it says: Dreaming of a yard or garage sale indicates your inner ability to recycle skills on a continuous basis towards new challenges in your life.Remember all humans have an incredible ability to adapt to new environments and you are no different.

Interesting. Is it telling me that no matter what I am going to be OK? That no matter what happens with work or my life that I will continue to thrive and adjust and continue? Very thought provoking. We have the ability to adapt to our new environments but that doesn't mean we thrive in them. How do we adjust and thrive in a constantly changing environment?

Who are you today?

Isn't is kind of amazing that we can choose who we want to be each and every day. I remember when I did stand up comedy, the one thing I really liked about it was I got to choose who I was going to be on stage each time. I could be who ever I wanted, it was fun and it was a great outlet.

One of my favorite quotes is who are you when no one else is around.....I also like the quote that says I want to be the type of person my dog thinks I am. Who are we really?

Many people say they work for a paycheck, but when you dig a little deeper, you'll often hear more personal reasons for waking up and heading to work. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my purpose. What is my personal motivation and what do I really need and want from my job?

Just as organizations use mission statements to guide their actions, we personally should have a personal purpose statement. What "fuels" us? I was talking to a new friend, he's 25 and was talking about his life path.....it got me to thinking. I thought about things I haven't thought about in a long long time. Like what did I think I was going to be when I grew up? What did I want out of life? If I die tomorrow what do I want to be remembered for? What is my legacy?


"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life."

Everybody has a story

I worked at the ET today and as usual, I learned a life lesson today. Every body has a story. There is this woman here who is what I would call a crumudgeon....a cranky woman. She is not very friendly and sort of barks at people. If she calls down to the office for something she asks the question and once she hears the answer she just hangs up....no thank you, no good bye, just hangs up. Others say she just has a rough exterior but i had yet to see it.

Today she had a christmas tree (a mini 2ft plant) delivered and I helped her bring it up to her apt. She was very nice and chatty with me. Then she came down to get her mail and chatted with me and the mail man for about 20 minutes. What an interesting life she has....well what an interesting story she has. She is easily in her 60's, doesn't drive, works in a law firm 2 blocks from the ET and doesn't take crap from anyone.

It's funny when we listen to the stories others have...every life is a story. I forget that others have more to them then the short interactions or moments I have with them. I have to remember that no one is on their journey alone.

Complicated - who me?

My boss and I were chatting this morning and sort of sharing our life's woe's.....he about his kids sports involvement which in turn means a huge financial output as well as time and me of my latest school "issue". I fear I may NEVER graduate!!! Anyway, my boss said to me...."you are one complicated person". I laughed but then I started thinking about it....am I really a complicated person?

Maybe sometimes I can be "high maintenance" and maybe even a bit of a diva but overall I think I'm worth the work....but complicated - I don't see it. He then said "you must have lots of internal conversations". Actually I sort of have them out loud, at my desk, all day long. I don't know that there is much about me that is quiet...or internal. I guess it's not all bad.....it just always surprises me when people call me out on my oddities.....I always think that no one knows the trouble I've seen. My comment back to him was "hey....it's not easy being me". We both laughed, it's true its NOT!

Today's quote may be one I used before but it fits:

Let the world know you as you are
not as you think you should be
because sooner or later, if you are posing
you will forget the pose.

Live out loud.

Chicken Noodle Soup

Remember when you were a kid and didn't feel good your mom would make you chicken noodle soup and all your cares would melt away as you sipped that chickeny goodness? I'd like a big old pot right about now.

I discovered Hayhouse Radio on line today and there are lots of audio programs you can listen to and I'm digging this one from Dr. Wayne Dyer....change your thoughts, change your life. He's going on an on about how our thoughts cause us to act upon what we think about. If we think we are unhappy, we are going to stay unhappy. He challenges us to think about our thoughts. This isn't news...but it's kind of nice to put on headphones and tune out all the office chatter that happens. I am really enjoying tuning into my own self during the work day.

He is talking about habits....and not just our caffeine habits or not exercising habits but our thinking habits. That things we think are difficult end up being difficult because we tell ourselves that. I can relate to that. I had immense panic during my 2 math classes. I remember telling myself...it's not going to be that bad....you can do this. It took a lot of work and time and work to get through those classes...but I did it...I got B's in both classes. I challenged myself and I was able to do it but honestly, it was exhausting! I was so physically and mentally exhausted by the end of those 12 weeks that I don't know how people can do that all the time. Maybe it gets easier the more you push yourself to do that. I don't know if I can keep on doing that.

One thing he talked about for a long time is some book called The Dao (spelling?) he talks about how powerful that book is. He believes that books have energy. They can strengthen or weaken you just by having them. He believes that just by carrying this book The Dao around, you can absorb the energy it has. I kinda get that. I think that's what my friend Troy gets from books.... energy. He's the one friend I have that seems to devour books...he must get some sort of energy from not only reading them but from owning them. Books have energy.

One other thing he talked about is how owning things bogged down his life. He talks about how he left his whole old life behind...he left his home, his family, his life and he just sort of walked away and started over. I often think of doing that but I don't think the average joe can do that...I think if I had money I could....I could walk away from everything if I could afford to...is that just a negative thought or is that reality? Thoughts become things...choose the good ones.

Bring on the chicken noodle soup.