Drowning in myself

Some days it feels like I can't catch my breath. No matter how early I get up, how much I get checked off my "to do" list there is just so much more to do and there never seems to be enough time in one day to get everything done. Plus there are things I want to do versus need or have to do and I just don't get to. One thing always replaces another and sometimes at such a fast rate I can't seem to catch my breath.

Life has been a whirl wind since the middle of January. I feel like I am on a really fast merry go round and I can't seem to get my bearings. I think the craziness of this last class of mine is really adding to my madness. It is completely wearing me to the bone and I have 3 weeks left. It's so unpredictable from week to week - sometimes class is on, sometimes not, then we have to do a make up then we don't then we have a call then we don't.....I can't seem to get any type of a routine going on...it's just constant chaos and frankly I've learned NOTHING. I am expected to do a massive amount of homework each week and I have no clue what I am doing and if it weren't for my bank downstairs I'd be super screwed! Balance ledgers, income statements....finance crap...ugh. It's a good think I'm paying for this right?

It's not just school...there is my family, work and my life in general. Still waiting to hear on my dad's tests, my mom is doing OK, some friends are sick, friends are losing jobs, losing loved ones and add to all of that, work is insane! I'm constantly rushing and going in endless circles and if I take on one more thing I think I will implode. I just need someone to grab me by the shoulders and stop the world for 5 minutes...just 5 minutes...is that too much to ask?

I realize life goes in waves....I accept that...I've had a pretty good year thus far (since my NEW new years anyway!) and I'm not complaining but jesh, a little bit of a breather sure would be nice. Add to all this that I have to take an online class for the 3 credits I will be shy of for graduation I guess I don't expect to have any breathing room until June 23. How many days is that exactly?

I suppose life would be so boring if I just had the same old same old everyday...right? We sometimes can be our own worst enemies too. I know things with school will work out, they always do. I realize that things right now seem much more out of my control than they probably are because I get overwhelmed when I don't understand things and when I can't figure out how to fix things....it's me being my own worst enemy. My young friend Leah keeps saying to me....just breath.....somehow the young people seem to know so much more than we give them credit for.

I think since I have declared this the year of no rules it's really helped me focus more on what I want to do, what I want out of life and to stop stopping myself but sometimes it feels like the old me keeps poking her head back in to say um no....don't go there....you can't do this...stay here in this muddled mess....don't look for the glass is half empty...it's empty. It's hard to fight those internal voices some days.

Okay, I got that out of my system...now I guess I get to play devils advocate! I should give equal time to the positives in my life...the things I'm grateful for. Sometimes a good quote can help shake the dust off of my brain and get me thinking better again....today I found this one:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain!"

I thought that's it! We all face adversity in our life I mean who doesn't have any of the same issues going on in their own lives that I do? However, it's not the adversity, but how we react to it that will determine the joy and happiness in our life. During tough times we can easily dive into the pool of poor me and spend all our time feeling sorry for ourselves or do we push ourselves and learn how to dance in the rain? It almost feels too simple of a process, but again, we choose how we are going to react. It's exhausting being so overwhelmed by everything....I choose no. I choose to look for the half full glass.....and I want to dance in the rain....literally and figuratively!

Then of course here is what the Universe says to me today -

It almost sounds too simple to feel important, but one word

gratitude, can change your mind.
Never compromise a dream.

Sure, take a step back, regroup, go bowling,

but never compromise a dream.

Ciao,
The Universe

Rock on!

What's in a name?

I've always hated my name. It's always seemed...dull, boring....plain. I've always wanted a different name, something more exciting, something with more ompf, maybe even something sexier. I think that's why I like nicknames so much...I like the way a name you choose makes you feel. Sometimes if I'm feeling sassy enough I make up a name when someone asks me my name...but the problem is after a little while I forget who I said I was and then I forget who I am and it just gets more complicated from there.

Does a name make you who you are? If my name were something more exciting would I be more exciting? Would I be more interesting or popular or successful? Does a word define you?

It was a busy week/weekend and frankly I just needed to catch up on some sleep from my pretty sleepless week. Had a lot of sleep issues this last week that are hopefully over but Thursday was the worst of it. Woke up at 2am and could NOT go back to sleep to save my life. I did everything, I read, I played on the computer, I took a bath....nothing. Finally I just came into work at like 5am. Ugh. I felt like a zombie by about noon on Friday. It kind of carried over into Saturday and as a result after I got home at about 6pm I was a muddled mess. It was all I could do to change into "couch clothes" and collapse on the couch.

I literally did nothing....there was so much on my "to do" list but I just honestly couldn't even function. I dozed on and off and woke up starving ready to chew my arm off at about 9pm, ate and then crawled into bed. Ahhh. Sunday was a much better day for me.

Since I was so unmotivated on Saturday I had a lot to do on Sunday after my shift ended at the ET at 4. I helped my sister and her boyfriend file their taxes (I am a whiz on filing on line!) scanned some pictures, then tried to do homework. I couldn't seem to get motivated at home so I gathered my stuff and headed over to the bookstore. I sprawled out across a table and dug in. I have a terrible habit of talking out loud to myself...I think it's only going to get worse as I get older but apparently I was disgusted with one of my homework questions and was talking out loud to myself and this man next to me offered to help me. He was very sweet. He said "do you want me to read the question?" I was embarrassed but then thought it takes a village to raise this idiot so I took him up on his help. His name is Gordon.

It kind of made me laugh because it seemed like such an old person's name and he was....well my age, not old but old enough. He bought me a coffee (decaf!) and hung out with me for about 2 hours and we chatted and looked at my homework but mostly just chatted. It was really strange how familiar he seemed....he helped me answer my one homework question and then we just got to talking and all of a sudden it was time for the bookstore to close. It's funny, this was a complete unexpected moment that really was nice. Two complete strangers meeting because a crazy woman was talking to herself out loud...in public. Really nice, who would have thought.

Gordon is a smart, funny, charming man who really seemed like he was waiting for me...it's like the Universe put him there for me to find for that short burst of time. When they announced the store was closing, I packed up my stuff, he shook my hand and wished me luck and then we were both on our way. Isn't that fun! I don't know if our paths will ever cross again but it was so perfect that we were both there at that very moment.....one moment in time that just was meant to be..nothing more...nothing less. Nice.

My dad gets his results today from his bone marrow test....I'm feeling anxious for him, probably more so for my sisters because whatever the results are I think they are going to be the ones taking it the hardest. Knowing my dad, it will be some complicated mess but we'll get through it, we always do. I just hope that whatever the results are there are some answers. It's the not knowing or knowing what to plan or expect that makes it so much harder. If we just had a plan of attack....even if the plan of attack is there is nothing to be done....at least it's a plan.

Things happen everyday that remind us how really short life is...people die, they get sick, they lose their jobs, a loved one....everyday something happens. It's a good reminder to live each day to the fullest well maybe not to the fullest but I guess....don't postpone joy.

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Open book?

It has always disturbed me when some tells me I an "open book". It kind of happened twice yesterday and when I mentioned it to some friends they said I am an open book and my blog is proof of that. At first I was like 'um whatever" but I guess in a way it is. My blog is the place I go to do a brain dump of all the muddled mess that stirs around in my head. Often once I put things down in here it sort of works itself out, its like once I put them out there, I can sort through them and sometimes just the writing of my thoughts lets me figure out the muddled mess. It's like a martini, shaken but not stirred!

In my past life Troy used to tell me that all the time that I was an open book and he knew exactly what I was thinking and it sometimes made me giggle but mostly it used to disturb me....why do others get to know what I am thinking when sometimes I don't even know what I am thinking? I guess I perceived it as a negative thing...something I needed to change about myself but in some weird way, there is some comfort now in the fact that I very well may be an open book. I might be OK with that. Being open doesn't have to mean it's a bad thing, it might make things a lot easier.

Sometimes when my boss tells me things or gives me an "opportunity" he'll ask if I'm OK with it or something and I can say yes even though I often mean HELL TO THE NO but he'll know and he'll say I can see you're not. Open book.....dang it. Sometimes its not always a good thing. Do we want to live a life shut off from the world, closed with no one to read us or do we open up and let them look at the table of contents?

Are we lying to ourself or the world if we say one thing but do another? Do we risk not living an authentic life if we don't? If I could change this about myself would I want to?

Why do we always think we have to change who we are? Do we do it for ourselves or for someone else? Do we put so little value in the person we have created that we have to change it? Change who we have become? I get making adjustments or considering other people's feelings when we make some changes but do we need to change all the time? Is it really change or is it learning? We learn what makes us happy, we learn who we want to spend time with....we learn.

I did my fairy cards just now and talk about wild....I pulled Be Yourself - this situation calls for you to be your authentic self, which is the basis for your personal power and the Ask for What You Want - let the Universe and other people know what you need.

Wow wow wow....be myself, let down my guard and give others the opportunity to know the real me. Expect a positive outcome and you will be rewarded.

Hmm, perhaps my book is more open than I expected it would be....it appears the Universe has checked it out.

Blog of babble

My head feels really muddled today with lots of random thoughts....too many to make one nice cohesive blog post so today I am going to babble...babble about things that may or may not be connected to one stream of thought, but so much is going on around me right now that I just don't know how to process all this input without just sort of spewing it out....so here goes.

There's an old saying that says..."If the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is eat a live frog, then nothing worse can happen for the rest of the day!"

Your "frog" should be the most difficult item on your to do list, the one you're most likely to procrastinate; because, if you "eat" that first, it'll give you energy and momentum for the rest of the day. If you don't and you let him sit there on the plate and stare at you while you do a hundred other things, it can drain your energy and you won't even know it. I get that, when you put off the worst thing on your list it does sort of drain you....at least it does me. There are somethings or some people that do that to me on a daily basis. I guess you can't do anything about it other than just face it...head on and move on.

I always have huge to do lists....I tend to go down the page and tick them off one by one. Sometimes I'm amazed at all I can get done in a day and other days I feel like I am spinning my wheels and going no where. I keep saying I need a wife....but man...wouldn't it be nice to have a helping hand once in awhile? How many times do we sit staring at our own frog?

We got some news at work yesterday, well I guess in this economic time it's not such bad news but its enough to be disappointing to say the least. They finally confirmed out loud that there will be no salary increases...and frankly I'm sure I would have gotten a good one! But...I have a job and I know lots of people out there struggling with that issue now so I am not even going to complain...not even a little. Oh look at me...how evolved I've become. I'm disappointed in these events but thankful I still have a job...wow...who am I?

Next thought swirling around in my head is all about feelings - I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few days because I've been really struggling with family issues...well really more about my feelings about my family...my parents, my place in my family, myself as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend and even as a person....just feelings over all. I am not sure how to "label" what I am trying to process. Mostly I'm trying to be OK with what I am feeling or in some cases NOT feeling and I keep coming back to the "feeling" that it's wrong.

I'm trying really hard to not censor myself, to stop stopping myself from being OK with what I feel. To let my feeling go where they want to and see what happens...see where they go but I keep feeling.....confused. I feel like all this recent stuff with my dad is suppose to make me feel a certain way that I don't really feel and I feel bad for not feeling more....does any of that make any sense?

I admire kids - they have this uncanny ability to just accept...they don't really over think or worry or much care about anything more than the moment they are in. I often think of myself a a big kid but I probably could take more of a lesson from them. They are fun, I love the sound of their laughter and mostly their enthusiasm! I think in someways I have a childlike spirit but I think sometimes I just take things way too seriously - I need to change that. I want to have "no limit thinking and stop putting fences up!

And oddly enough.....what does the Universe (and when I say the Universe - I don't mean scary little voices in my head http://www.tut.com/) tell me today:

Think back to a happy time in your life. A really, really happy time. If
you can, try to remember the happiest you've ever felt. Think of the laughter, the peace, the confidence, the ease of it all. Emotionally, relive a few of those moments. Don't think of the details (people, places, or circumstances); just think of the way you felt. Good. Very good. We're just creating some building blocks for tomorrow and the rest of your amazing life.
Adios,
The Universe

See...the Universe always knows what I'm thinking almost at the very moment I am thinking it.

What a muddle mess in my head today. Maybe a good drink later will help clear it out!

I do beleive in fairies.....

Do you remember that scene in Peter Pan when Captain Hook poisoned Tinkerbell? Tinkerbell is basically dying and we know this because her light is fading and it's almost gone out when Peter Pan turns to the audience and shouts "She's going to die unless we do something! You have to help me!"

He then shouts at the audience - "Clap your hands! Clap your hands if you believe...clap your hands and shout "I believe in fairies!" Of course everyone starts clapping their hands and shouting at the top of their lungs....I kind of feel like that in general or maybe it's just today. I feel like I've gotten to a place in my life where I beleive...I beleive in myself. I feel like I am starting to trust my voice, trust my decisions and trust that I am doing what I need to be doing. I think I do beleive in fairies! I'd like to believe in something bigger than me, something outside my being. I feel like clapping and shouting.....and I feel like I can make a difference....even if it's for some poor fairy that's been poisoned. I believe in fairies, and I'm going to shout it at the top of my lungs.

Okay, maybe not so much in the literal sense of beleiving in fairies, but the concept of them. Lately I've been doing my magical fairy cards and I keep pulling this one card over and over...and I know it's a message, I know the little nymphs are out there conspiring with the Universe to send me a message and they really can't seem to make it any clearer than it is and I'm starting to get it! I'm starting to realize it and hear it and act on it. This particular card is about letting go. It's saying stop thinking, stop planning, stop stopping yourself....go with the moment, go with the flow, let go. It's time to embrace the things you want, the things your scared of, the things you've been avoiding and go...grow...move past the place you've stopped yourself. Take one step and don't question things....just move.

It's a little disconcerting that no matter what question I pose to my deck of cards, the last four times I've pulled this exact same card....I mean honestly. I've shuffled, I've pondered, I've asked different questions and yet this card appears. So maybe I'm a little slower on the uptake than most, maybe I need to hear something multiple times to get it to sink into my brain or maybe it was the second cocktail that helped me see things clearer (whatever) but last night I pulled out the cards to ponder some questions and the second card I pulled was that card again. The little hairs on my neck sort of popped up and I was like....whoa.....this is weird. So I thought about it and thought about it and woke up at 2:30am still thinking about it and have now decided that it is indeed a message I need to process. I wonder if the Universe and the fairies often conspire?

My message from the Universe today: Hunches, instincts, and intuition are priceless because they throw you into action.

Thoughts become things.....choose good ones.

So I guess today's message or lesson is to be like Tinkerbell. Listen for voices shouting that they believe in you! Surround yourself with those kinds of people and soon your light will come back.

"I do believe in fairies!"

Can you hear success?

I think if I had to lose any sense I'd much rather lose any one of my senses except the ability to hear, wait...maybe to speak but for sure those two senses would be the worst to lose. I realized how much the sound of things effect me. The same sound over and over like the clacking of nails, the cutting up of vegetables (hee hee) someone tapping a pencil or clicking a pen...really other peoples nervous ticks or habits seem to be something I really notice and am able to hone in on. I don't think I do any of those things but I do know I have a terrible habit of talking out loud to myself. I always have....it helps me process things better...although I bet that is annoying to others. I would also miss the noises other people make. A heavy sigh, the sound of someone else breathing right next to you (not at work but maybe when you are cuddling) the happy noises people make and I guess sometimes the sad ones. I also noticed how much I like the sound of shoes with a heel - not really a high heel, just a regular heel and the way they sound when you walk. There is something about that sound that makes me feel successful and oddly powerful. Rubber based souls just don't make any sound. Isn't that a strange realization?

I like the sound a shoe with a heel makes not only on a non-carpeted floor but on carpets as well. It seems to have some authority to it, like it conveys a message that says "I know where I'm going people...move out of my way". I noticed it on myself yesterday. I was wearing my cute red shoes and I realized I was feeling much more authoritative, determined and in charge of my own little bubble. I've said it before - a pair of shoes can make or break an outfit but a pair of shoes with a heel that clack clacks on the floor makes me feel like I am going places and know things.

Is there a sound to success or to power? Do the right shoes or clothes make that possible? I work with a few people who have very prominent footsteps and I always think they are on their way some place important. Isn't it funny the things we give power to? A prominent footstep, the right clothes, good hair. Ahh....can you imagine would you could accomplish if you had all three of those things!

When did hounds tooth (you know that sort of checkered pattern) become the new "corporate wear" for the ladies? Last week at this major meeting we were putting on a huge percentage of the lady folks were in hounds tooth patterns. Odd. I don't find it particularly attractive but it made me wonder....is that the new "power suit"? I know there used to be "power colors" you were suppose to wear but hounds tooth...that is one choice I just don't get.

I am a fan of color...not like over the top in your face color (well not for work!) and I prefer a little red or gold or some type of pattern to be a "power suit" but I guess I don't make the rules...yet. I "hosted" some out of town guests and when I talked to one of them on the phone directing him where to meet me he said how will I know who you are? I said I am wearing a striped dress with a gold jacket and I have red eye glasses. His comment was something like....wow...that's a lot of color.

Is it? Is that a lot of color? The dress was in browns and sort of a melon color and not really over the top but maybe he thought I mean like a gold glitter Judy Garland type of jacket and not the tasteful muted gold jacket I had on...regardless....embrace color people.

Where do we learn to compare ourself to others? It's not like we're born with that ability or skill. I guess it's just another life lesson we learn from our parents or society. I distinctly remember in 4th or 5th grade getting dressed for school and wearing what I was comfortable in...a checker shirt (maybe it was a hounds tooth pattern!) and I think my favorite striped pants. I remember arguing with my mom because she was insistent I go change and I of course refused (only goes to show that even as a child I was a bad daughter) and thus I won out and wore the outfit.

What I do remember about that incident is how it made me feel. All of a sudden I was so self aware and my, according to my mother (who was probably right!), horrible outfit. I remember feeling like crap all day and just wanting to burrow away in a hole. I think of that often when I am having a day when I feel bad about my outfit - did she set the tone for my whole clothes wearing life? Was she trying to protect me against the big scary world or was she just jealous I was being who I was no matter what anyone thought? Fine line.

I always find it surprising when people tell me I look nice...it always catches me off guard because I try really hard but I always feel like I'm not there, that they are just being nice. Do people really just say things to be nice?

When do we learn to trust ourself?

Mirror mirror

I wrote this poem once that I wanted to turn into a video project...I called it The Mirror....it went something like - what do you see when you look in the mirror? I see my mothers eyes staring back at me....sad, lonely, empty eyes. What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see my fathers eyes....mean, angry, scared eyes searching....searching for something he can't find.

It was at the height of my "parent" issues but for some reason that part of the poem popped into my little brain this morning and I started thinking about how focused I'd become on NOT becoming my parents that it's almost like by trying so hard NOT to do something you kind of end of doing it. Aren't we complicated little ducks? Maybe it's because we are going in with my dad tomorrow to find out the depth of his bone cancer....maybe its the fact that I had dinner with my family last night and my mom who is always in so much need of attention sort of irritated me or maybe it's the fact that my sister puts up with all my parents issues with such grace and perfect manners that I feel like the worlds worst daughter.....maybe it's a bit of all three?

I have some friends I talked into doing a new years re-do with this weekend....yeah for friends that support your crazy ideas! We had so much fun...well I know I did, I assume they did as well. I was thinking about it yesterday and I realized I enjoyed it so much because it was really just so unplanned. Plus hanging out with this little group is so nice....no judging, no pretense, no anything...they just accept and play along and include and challenge and accept me as I am. It's really really nice to be around people like that. They let me in and don't mind my freak flag flying high and proud! :) There was no real "plan" other than we were going to hang out, play cards and not get all liquored up until midnight hit. And yes.....it worked! I guess there was a mini plan....whatever, I ended up having such a fun night and I can't tell you the last time I've laughed sooooo much at really nothing!! My favorite moment was a car ride (yes there was a sober driver) listening to some radio station and people were just singing out loud and then singing in pirate voices...freaking made me so oddly happy. It was really a cathartic moment. I didn't think about it, I didn't plan it....I just let go and went with it.

One of the things I am really trying to focus on is letting go....going with the moment, not over thinking things and I have to say....it's kind of a challenge but the rewards are really kinda surprisingly nice. I can't wait for the next moment to see what the Universe has in store.

Sometimes the closer we are to things we can't see them. Like that old saying - you can't see the forest through the trees (or however it goes). Sometimes we have to step back, stop and just see what happens. I kinda like not knowing what moments are going to bring....its almost like a surprise party at every turn. I also don't have any of those "oh shoot" moments either. Like "oh shoot" I wish I had done this or said this or...whatever...but instead, I didn't think, I didn't stop myself, I didn't impose any of my own rules and I enjoyed the ride. Nice. I really need to do that more.

Now being back at work in all the chaos that seems to have now become my job I wonder if the same rules apply? Can I not plan,not think, say no and enforce the "no rules" idea? Umm, no, I think not. Funny how that doesn't seem to transfer to the work place easily enough. In my job if I didn't plan, didn't think ahead, didn't say NO I'd be in so much of a muddle I'd never get out of it. So...I guess I'll take it for one part of my life.

My message from the Universe today is: How will you answer those who will one day look at your utterly amazing life, complete with house and cool friends, and say, "Yeah, but for you it was easy"? Huh, huh, huh?

The Universe

Easy.....hmmm, I never thought I could even say it but...yeah...you know what...when you stop fighting the flow things can be pretty dang easy.

Aww crap...did I just say that out loud?

Yeah for the Universe! :)