Drowning in myself

Some days it feels like I can't catch my breath. No matter how early I get up, how much I get checked off my "to do" list there is just so much more to do and there never seems to be enough time in one day to get everything done. Plus there are things I want to do versus need or have to do and I just don't get to. One thing always replaces another and sometimes at such a fast rate I can't seem to catch my breath.

Life has been a whirl wind since the middle of January. I feel like I am on a really fast merry go round and I can't seem to get my bearings. I think the craziness of this last class of mine is really adding to my madness. It is completely wearing me to the bone and I have 3 weeks left. It's so unpredictable from week to week - sometimes class is on, sometimes not, then we have to do a make up then we don't then we have a call then we don't.....I can't seem to get any type of a routine going on...it's just constant chaos and frankly I've learned NOTHING. I am expected to do a massive amount of homework each week and I have no clue what I am doing and if it weren't for my bank downstairs I'd be super screwed! Balance ledgers, income statements....finance crap...ugh. It's a good think I'm paying for this right?

It's not just school...there is my family, work and my life in general. Still waiting to hear on my dad's tests, my mom is doing OK, some friends are sick, friends are losing jobs, losing loved ones and add to all of that, work is insane! I'm constantly rushing and going in endless circles and if I take on one more thing I think I will implode. I just need someone to grab me by the shoulders and stop the world for 5 minutes...just 5 minutes...is that too much to ask?

I realize life goes in waves....I accept that...I've had a pretty good year thus far (since my NEW new years anyway!) and I'm not complaining but jesh, a little bit of a breather sure would be nice. Add to all this that I have to take an online class for the 3 credits I will be shy of for graduation I guess I don't expect to have any breathing room until June 23. How many days is that exactly?

I suppose life would be so boring if I just had the same old same old everyday...right? We sometimes can be our own worst enemies too. I know things with school will work out, they always do. I realize that things right now seem much more out of my control than they probably are because I get overwhelmed when I don't understand things and when I can't figure out how to fix things....it's me being my own worst enemy. My young friend Leah keeps saying to me....just breath.....somehow the young people seem to know so much more than we give them credit for.

I think since I have declared this the year of no rules it's really helped me focus more on what I want to do, what I want out of life and to stop stopping myself but sometimes it feels like the old me keeps poking her head back in to say um no....don't go there....you can't do this...stay here in this muddled mess....don't look for the glass is half empty...it's empty. It's hard to fight those internal voices some days.

Okay, I got that out of my system...now I guess I get to play devils advocate! I should give equal time to the positives in my life...the things I'm grateful for. Sometimes a good quote can help shake the dust off of my brain and get me thinking better again....today I found this one:

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain!"

I thought that's it! We all face adversity in our life I mean who doesn't have any of the same issues going on in their own lives that I do? However, it's not the adversity, but how we react to it that will determine the joy and happiness in our life. During tough times we can easily dive into the pool of poor me and spend all our time feeling sorry for ourselves or do we push ourselves and learn how to dance in the rain? It almost feels too simple of a process, but again, we choose how we are going to react. It's exhausting being so overwhelmed by everything....I choose no. I choose to look for the half full glass.....and I want to dance in the rain....literally and figuratively!

Then of course here is what the Universe says to me today -

It almost sounds too simple to feel important, but one word

gratitude, can change your mind.
Never compromise a dream.

Sure, take a step back, regroup, go bowling,

but never compromise a dream.

Ciao,
The Universe

Rock on!