Mirror mirror

I wrote this poem once that I wanted to turn into a video project...I called it The Mirror....it went something like - what do you see when you look in the mirror? I see my mothers eyes staring back at me....sad, lonely, empty eyes. What do you see when you look in the mirror? I see my fathers eyes....mean, angry, scared eyes searching....searching for something he can't find.

It was at the height of my "parent" issues but for some reason that part of the poem popped into my little brain this morning and I started thinking about how focused I'd become on NOT becoming my parents that it's almost like by trying so hard NOT to do something you kind of end of doing it. Aren't we complicated little ducks? Maybe it's because we are going in with my dad tomorrow to find out the depth of his bone cancer....maybe its the fact that I had dinner with my family last night and my mom who is always in so much need of attention sort of irritated me or maybe it's the fact that my sister puts up with all my parents issues with such grace and perfect manners that I feel like the worlds worst daughter.....maybe it's a bit of all three?

I have some friends I talked into doing a new years re-do with this weekend....yeah for friends that support your crazy ideas! We had so much fun...well I know I did, I assume they did as well. I was thinking about it yesterday and I realized I enjoyed it so much because it was really just so unplanned. Plus hanging out with this little group is so nice....no judging, no pretense, no anything...they just accept and play along and include and challenge and accept me as I am. It's really really nice to be around people like that. They let me in and don't mind my freak flag flying high and proud! :) There was no real "plan" other than we were going to hang out, play cards and not get all liquored up until midnight hit. And yes.....it worked! I guess there was a mini plan....whatever, I ended up having such a fun night and I can't tell you the last time I've laughed sooooo much at really nothing!! My favorite moment was a car ride (yes there was a sober driver) listening to some radio station and people were just singing out loud and then singing in pirate voices...freaking made me so oddly happy. It was really a cathartic moment. I didn't think about it, I didn't plan it....I just let go and went with it.

One of the things I am really trying to focus on is letting go....going with the moment, not over thinking things and I have to say....it's kind of a challenge but the rewards are really kinda surprisingly nice. I can't wait for the next moment to see what the Universe has in store.

Sometimes the closer we are to things we can't see them. Like that old saying - you can't see the forest through the trees (or however it goes). Sometimes we have to step back, stop and just see what happens. I kinda like not knowing what moments are going to bring....its almost like a surprise party at every turn. I also don't have any of those "oh shoot" moments either. Like "oh shoot" I wish I had done this or said this or...whatever...but instead, I didn't think, I didn't stop myself, I didn't impose any of my own rules and I enjoyed the ride. Nice. I really need to do that more.

Now being back at work in all the chaos that seems to have now become my job I wonder if the same rules apply? Can I not plan,not think, say no and enforce the "no rules" idea? Umm, no, I think not. Funny how that doesn't seem to transfer to the work place easily enough. In my job if I didn't plan, didn't think ahead, didn't say NO I'd be in so much of a muddle I'd never get out of it. So...I guess I'll take it for one part of my life.

My message from the Universe today is: How will you answer those who will one day look at your utterly amazing life, complete with house and cool friends, and say, "Yeah, but for you it was easy"? Huh, huh, huh?

The Universe

Easy.....hmmm, I never thought I could even say it but...yeah...you know what...when you stop fighting the flow things can be pretty dang easy.

Aww crap...did I just say that out loud?

Yeah for the Universe! :)