I know the Universe conspires to send us signals, signs, messages but sometimes I wonder if we expect that to happen so we start over thinking things that happen. Is it possible to want someone else to give us the answers so badly that we start imagining messages or signs?
When one door closes another one opens....but what does that really mean? The cynic in me wants to yell...well break the freaking door down....but the optimist wants to say, relax, it wasn't meant to be. It's fine...something better is going to come along. I know there are no guarantees in life, the recent economy and market madness is a perfect example of that, but a girl wants a little guarantee that things are heading in the direction at least. Am I even on the road much less the path? I realize life is a journey and we are suppose to "enjoy" the ride but I wouldn't mind a little bit of direction or guidance.
A friend of mine (no it's not me) recently joined one of those on line dating places and has tried to get me to join too...but it's not my thing...she called me last night really upset because she has been doing this for 3 months now and she can't find a match. She has had a few conversations with people but not really found her mate. My question is why are you paying for a service and getting the same results you were getting without paying for it? It's like $129 bucks to join and she has the same outcome as when she was just doing her own thing...I don't get it. It seems wrong to me that a person should have to pay to find love. Why isn't it easier? It makes me wonder, is the Universe conspiring to send her a message? Is she too suppose to be one who remains a solo? That's what I wonder...if you aren't getting the response or messages are you suppose to change direction? Accept your fate? Who has the answers?
Nothing is easy. Although I think we make things harder on ourselves than we need to. Right now I'm fighting with my school regarding the quaility of their teachers...it's a losing battle I am fairly sure but I'm paying good money and the return on my investment is not what I expect. I expect to have a teacher who is knowledgeable and challenges me to learn and grow, as it is now I am not really challenged or learning anything new and am super annoyed at the stupidity of this current teacher. I have had some really good ones and a few total idiots. This teacher really pushed me last week to actually say out loud in class that this class is a complete waste of my time causing an audible gasp from the rest of the class who also share my thought but aren't dumb enough to say it outloud. After 3 phone calls and an email to the school all with no response I'm tempted to give up my fight. I'm basically buying my degree....for most people that's probably ok but honestly, if I have to spend the time and my hard earned money I want to reap some benefits from it other than taking the useless books to Half Priced Books and hoping for $20 out of it. Jesh.
Why are things so freaking hard? Maybe I'm making too much out of it. I will be done with my degree in June of 2009, less than 9 months away....do I really fight this fight or suck it up and get through 9 months? Things to ponder.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Weekends go by so fast
Isn't it amazing how a week tends to drag on and on and yet the weekend flies by in the blink of an eye? I had a pretty productive and fun weekend. I didn't do too much but it was really enjoyable. I spent most of Saturday day hanging out at home making jewelery and ran a few errands...then met some friends for a fun poker night. I pretty much lost all my money I had brought with (just a bucket of change) but it was a fun way to spend a night. I learned there are some things I'm just not good at...well besides the whole math thing. I learned I am not good at mixing drinks....I really should learn that skill...it will make me a better party goer. I can pour a glass of wine with the best of them but when it comes to measuring and mixing....I get lost. Possibly it is the whole math thing. :)
I also learned I have to learn my directions...I got so lost in freaking St. Louis Park trying to get back home. Granted it was late, 3am, and I had a few cocktails (earlier) and I was a little tired but overall, I took one wrong turn and I got lost in some neighborhood that seemed to be all dead ends....was the Universe trying to tell me something? I finally got home and to bed by about 4am. I was up again and off to meet friends by 10am on Sunday for breakfast and a movie. A little out of the normal for me but it was fun. I learned I have to learn to like cooking. I forgot how much I like breakfast and it would be nice to make it for myself now and then. Although I much prefer someone else cooking for me, but seeing as I live alone that really isn't going to happen anytime soon....so I must embrace that and learn to like it.
I learned that a job is a job no matter if you work in a big old corporation or a rental office or an architect firm....a job is a job. There will always be the idiot boss, the stupid/annoying co-worker or the office tramp and as long as I never end up in ONE of those roles I guess I'll be doing OK. Although how bad would it be if you were the office tramp...maybe I should re-think that?
I also learned that booze makes people spew out things they wouldn't normally tell someone they just met. I know I've done that before and if I remembered it at all I'm sure I'd be embarrassed but since it wasn't me this time it made me remember that drinking makes you stupid. That's why I think it's important to just drink to the point of being "moderately sedated" that way you still feel calm, cool and you remain collected. The trick is knowing when that last shot of tequila might be the one to push you over the edge. I hate being stupid drunk. Again, thankfully that wasn't me - :)
I like meeting new and interesting people. I like it when guarded people drop their guard just a notch and let you peek in that door that they have sealed so tight. It makes me want to keep knocking until I get to open it fully and peek inside. I don't need to kick it open and jump inside, just peek and see what's going on. I like people who don't really "live out loud" they make me feel calmer and more balanced. I should adopt some of that kind of living....I think it would be good for me. Although, can a zebra really change her stripes? Do I really need or want to?
Deep thoughts for the last Monday in September.
I also learned I have to learn my directions...I got so lost in freaking St. Louis Park trying to get back home. Granted it was late, 3am, and I had a few cocktails (earlier) and I was a little tired but overall, I took one wrong turn and I got lost in some neighborhood that seemed to be all dead ends....was the Universe trying to tell me something? I finally got home and to bed by about 4am. I was up again and off to meet friends by 10am on Sunday for breakfast and a movie. A little out of the normal for me but it was fun. I learned I have to learn to like cooking. I forgot how much I like breakfast and it would be nice to make it for myself now and then. Although I much prefer someone else cooking for me, but seeing as I live alone that really isn't going to happen anytime soon....so I must embrace that and learn to like it.
I learned that a job is a job no matter if you work in a big old corporation or a rental office or an architect firm....a job is a job. There will always be the idiot boss, the stupid/annoying co-worker or the office tramp and as long as I never end up in ONE of those roles I guess I'll be doing OK. Although how bad would it be if you were the office tramp...maybe I should re-think that?
I also learned that booze makes people spew out things they wouldn't normally tell someone they just met. I know I've done that before and if I remembered it at all I'm sure I'd be embarrassed but since it wasn't me this time it made me remember that drinking makes you stupid. That's why I think it's important to just drink to the point of being "moderately sedated" that way you still feel calm, cool and you remain collected. The trick is knowing when that last shot of tequila might be the one to push you over the edge. I hate being stupid drunk. Again, thankfully that wasn't me - :)
I like meeting new and interesting people. I like it when guarded people drop their guard just a notch and let you peek in that door that they have sealed so tight. It makes me want to keep knocking until I get to open it fully and peek inside. I don't need to kick it open and jump inside, just peek and see what's going on. I like people who don't really "live out loud" they make me feel calmer and more balanced. I should adopt some of that kind of living....I think it would be good for me. Although, can a zebra really change her stripes? Do I really need or want to?
Deep thoughts for the last Monday in September.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Joys of getting old
I live in a building with a lot of elderly folks whose main concerns seem to be about when the mail will arrive and what you are doing coming home on a Thursday night so late for! We have a camera in the lobby and apparently it's the channel of choice for alot of residents. I will often get questioned by them when I come home late on a week night. It always makes me laugh...I wonder when that channel on my tv will become a favorite.
When I work during the day at ET our office is across the hall from a salon...during the day and the weekends it's filled with older woman....not older like I'm older, OLDER.....they are regulars too. Once a week they are washed, ratted and curled into a fancy old lady do that lasts until the next week. You can tell when they leave that they are feeling really good. The couple that run the salon are super accomodating to their older clients....they have coffee, cookies and walk their clients to the bathrooms all day long. They are their bread and butter and I'm guessing all for a $2 tip. I wonder if they factor into the cost of doing their hair the fact that they will get very little or no tip. I think it would be difficult to have a job that forced me to count on tips as part of my income. I could never work on commission either, I need a reliable income source.
What do these ladies have to talk about all day I wonder? I'd love to be sitting in there to hear what the conversations are. I see them talking away but I can't imagine what they are even discussing...I'm pretty sure it's not the current economic situation but I might be wrong. It does make me wish my grandmother was still around, I'd love to take her to the salon or to get her nails done and just hang out with her. Makes me really miss that I didn't spend more time with her when she was here. I wonder if people will think that about me. If so, what keeps us from doing that - spending more time with the people we like?
I suppose there are lots of reasons we have for not spending time with the people we like, lack of time, we get bored, or we think something more fun or exciting might come along. We get wrapped up in our own little bubbles and forget there are others out there. I like it when a resident comes to sit in the office with me and tells me they missed me. I worked alot last month in the ET office and residents got to see me more than normal...then they sit and share stories with me. It's kinda fun. It also helps pass the time.
Looking forward to a fun weekend, going to my first poker party on Saturday, hopefully I'll be a skilled player and ready to head to Vegas. ha!
When I work during the day at ET our office is across the hall from a salon...during the day and the weekends it's filled with older woman....not older like I'm older, OLDER.....they are regulars too. Once a week they are washed, ratted and curled into a fancy old lady do that lasts until the next week. You can tell when they leave that they are feeling really good. The couple that run the salon are super accomodating to their older clients....they have coffee, cookies and walk their clients to the bathrooms all day long. They are their bread and butter and I'm guessing all for a $2 tip. I wonder if they factor into the cost of doing their hair the fact that they will get very little or no tip. I think it would be difficult to have a job that forced me to count on tips as part of my income. I could never work on commission either, I need a reliable income source.
What do these ladies have to talk about all day I wonder? I'd love to be sitting in there to hear what the conversations are. I see them talking away but I can't imagine what they are even discussing...I'm pretty sure it's not the current economic situation but I might be wrong. It does make me wish my grandmother was still around, I'd love to take her to the salon or to get her nails done and just hang out with her. Makes me really miss that I didn't spend more time with her when she was here. I wonder if people will think that about me. If so, what keeps us from doing that - spending more time with the people we like?
I suppose there are lots of reasons we have for not spending time with the people we like, lack of time, we get bored, or we think something more fun or exciting might come along. We get wrapped up in our own little bubbles and forget there are others out there. I like it when a resident comes to sit in the office with me and tells me they missed me. I worked alot last month in the ET office and residents got to see me more than normal...then they sit and share stories with me. It's kinda fun. It also helps pass the time.
Looking forward to a fun weekend, going to my first poker party on Saturday, hopefully I'll be a skilled player and ready to head to Vegas. ha!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Casual day, casual thoughts
I love casual days at work - jeans day! It's really a win win. You pay $2 towards a good cause and you get to wear jeans....woo hoo. I am seeing a lot of fall clothes on people now...I refuse to wear them...I pulled them out but I am not ready to wear them yet...can't do it. Still got on my open toe WHITE shoes. Yes it's true, I am a rebel.
I got alot of personal errands done last night. I actually had to exchange my new underwear, no I hadn't worn the ones I exchanged yet, I bought them too big. That was a fun problem. I also had a woman tell me this morning that I was getting skinny. HA.....those were her exact words. I was so stunned by them I said...WHAT? She said...you are getting so skinny! I kinda want to run and jump on a scale right now....I think she was just without caffeine this am but heck, I'll take it.
I love reality tv....American's Next Top Model has taught me a lot...I have pretty much perfected my super model walk too. Thank you Tyra because I got it going on!! I watched the show last night and I'm always amazed at how much the girls talk smack and as soon as they get in front of the camera they become these shy, scared, deer in the headlights. I mean they have hair, makeup and clothing picked out for them and they pretty much look like rock stars how come they don't bring that when then come to the shoot? I keep thinking man, I wouldn't hire anyone of these heffers...they are too young and have no real passion for what they are doing. I hope the judges see that. Mostly the judges are divas themselves so I'm not sure how unbaised they can really be. I keep thinking how fun it would be to be on a reality show. Man, I'm sure I'd be great tv.
I love facebook. It's this amazing social networking tool that allows me to have glimpses into people's lives I wouldn't normally have. I get to see pictures (although some are inappropriate and really shouldn't be shared) hear blurbs and see what they are up to. It's kind of fun to have little snapshots into 75 peoples lives. I approve.
This weather sure can't decide what it wants to do...it is frustrating that every Thursday it seems iffy out....I like to go walk down to the farmers market and wander but when the sky threatens to open up I don't want to be out in it. I need to go today to get some supplies for my cowboy cavier for this weekend. I'm looking forward to hanging out with some new friends and learning to play poker. I'm pretty sure I'll be the Tiger Woods of poker. You wait and see.
I got alot of personal errands done last night. I actually had to exchange my new underwear, no I hadn't worn the ones I exchanged yet, I bought them too big. That was a fun problem. I also had a woman tell me this morning that I was getting skinny. HA.....those were her exact words. I was so stunned by them I said...WHAT? She said...you are getting so skinny! I kinda want to run and jump on a scale right now....I think she was just without caffeine this am but heck, I'll take it.
I love reality tv....American's Next Top Model has taught me a lot...I have pretty much perfected my super model walk too. Thank you Tyra because I got it going on!! I watched the show last night and I'm always amazed at how much the girls talk smack and as soon as they get in front of the camera they become these shy, scared, deer in the headlights. I mean they have hair, makeup and clothing picked out for them and they pretty much look like rock stars how come they don't bring that when then come to the shoot? I keep thinking man, I wouldn't hire anyone of these heffers...they are too young and have no real passion for what they are doing. I hope the judges see that. Mostly the judges are divas themselves so I'm not sure how unbaised they can really be. I keep thinking how fun it would be to be on a reality show. Man, I'm sure I'd be great tv.
I love facebook. It's this amazing social networking tool that allows me to have glimpses into people's lives I wouldn't normally have. I get to see pictures (although some are inappropriate and really shouldn't be shared) hear blurbs and see what they are up to. It's kind of fun to have little snapshots into 75 peoples lives. I approve.
This weather sure can't decide what it wants to do...it is frustrating that every Thursday it seems iffy out....I like to go walk down to the farmers market and wander but when the sky threatens to open up I don't want to be out in it. I need to go today to get some supplies for my cowboy cavier for this weekend. I'm looking forward to hanging out with some new friends and learning to play poker. I'm pretty sure I'll be the Tiger Woods of poker. You wait and see.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Happy Hump Day~
There is something about a Wednesday that makes a week bearable. You are half way to the weekend and far enough away from Monday....it's all good by Wednesday. Especially if you have Friday off. Ahh, I sure am going to miss having Friday's off. What a delight it has been.
Fall is around the corner, the world is in the process of sluffing off the remains of summer (although it was 81 when I left work yesterday) and preparing for the chill of fall. Fall has to be my favorite time of the year. Seriously...the cool crips air, apples, pumpkins, falling leaves. Ahh. I can so appreciate falling leaves and the crunching sound they make under your feet when I don't have to spend time raking them. GOD I hated that. This time of the year a few years back was also the time the herd of cats moved in under my trailer. Thank God for Jason - the handy man I had a crush on. He was a really nice guy and really great to have on call when one needed something home repairs done cheaply. He rescused the cats out from under my trailer with a live trap...he was my hero. I don't think I ever saw him after that. I wonder what he's doing now.
Isn't if funny how quickly people become emeshed in our lives and how quickly they leave? I was thinking about that this morning when I found this old picture...it made me smile still but don't really have anything to do with those people anymore...none. We were connected at the hip for a long time and now I don't even remember their last name. Funny isn't it how time keeps giving us new people to love and care for.
REM songs always take me back in time...as I'm typing this they are singing NIGHT SWIMMING and I am having a little stroll down memory lane right now....I remember when this song was just becoming popular I was sitting on the deck of my condo staring out into the night sky listening to this song wondering what I was going to do with my life. Funny how right now I could do the very same thing.
Fall is around the corner, the world is in the process of sluffing off the remains of summer (although it was 81 when I left work yesterday) and preparing for the chill of fall. Fall has to be my favorite time of the year. Seriously...the cool crips air, apples, pumpkins, falling leaves. Ahh. I can so appreciate falling leaves and the crunching sound they make under your feet when I don't have to spend time raking them. GOD I hated that. This time of the year a few years back was also the time the herd of cats moved in under my trailer. Thank God for Jason - the handy man I had a crush on. He was a really nice guy and really great to have on call when one needed something home repairs done cheaply. He rescused the cats out from under my trailer with a live trap...he was my hero. I don't think I ever saw him after that. I wonder what he's doing now.
Isn't if funny how quickly people become emeshed in our lives and how quickly they leave? I was thinking about that this morning when I found this old picture...it made me smile still but don't really have anything to do with those people anymore...none. We were connected at the hip for a long time and now I don't even remember their last name. Funny isn't it how time keeps giving us new people to love and care for.
REM songs always take me back in time...as I'm typing this they are singing NIGHT SWIMMING and I am having a little stroll down memory lane right now....I remember when this song was just becoming popular I was sitting on the deck of my condo staring out into the night sky listening to this song wondering what I was going to do with my life. Funny how right now I could do the very same thing.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Life's Direction
I think sometimes rainy weather causes one to think about things on a deeper level. Or maybe the rain just helps bring out the stuff we tend to stuff so far down us that a sunny day seems to make everything feel ok?But today, in honor of this rainy day, I feel like letting it out.
Sometimes I feel like my life is like the sail of a boat - sometimes it's full and moving full steam ahead and other times it's like there is no breeze and my sail is hanging useless and I don't move at all.
To add another analogy to it - I feel like I am walking in quicksand these days. It's like I'm trying to go forward but I can't lift my feet enough to actually get moving. Is it the change of seasons? School is really really frustrating me right now. I'm paying good money and I don't feel like it's a great return on my investment...and when I call the school to try to talk to someone about it I get no response. Work is really really unsatisfying and really really not challenging me at all and mix all that in with my pretty much nonexistent my personal life Ugh. Don't even get me started on that. It's just...boring. Nothing really going on and it's boring me. If I were a TV show I'd shut me off or cancel it.
How does one go about recharging their own life? I am bored with myself...nothing new I do seems to add that va va voom I crave. Oh God, am I now boring? Have I reached the point where I no longer have any value to add? Wow....that's a little scary to think about. I know it comes at some point for everyone but I thought I might have some years before that actually happened. Can a person really run out of a way to add value to their own life? I feel really unmotivated these days to even do anything creative - not a good sign. Of course it doesn't help that I've been spending an obscene amount of time trying to transfer music from my Mac to my PC and it of course didn't work...what the...........ugh.
I remember being in my 20's thinking I had my whole life figured out. Remember shiny new shoes, sharp new pencils and the wonderful 64 crayon Crayola box with the built-in sharpener? Where have the simple joys gone to? I think as we get older we tend to analyze our life more, try to figure out why we aren't happier or where it is in life we think we should be. Is anyone really at a point in their life where they say THIS IS IT!? I've had moments....like when I was lying on the beach in Mexico or doing something super fabulous...I've thought THIS S IS IT. This is how I want to spend the rest of my days. Does that feeling really ever stay with a person? A better question is would we want it to? I mean if it does, what do we have to strive for then? I love rainy days. Feels like it washes the cob webs out of my noggin.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Life lessons learned in the oddest places
Life is so short...we all know that. You got to live each day like it's your last. Eat dessert first. Say what you mean, mean what you say. All good things to keep in mind as we navigate our lives. Sometimes one learns life lessons in the most random places. Like in a dressing room trying on a new hot pink bra.
Some people feel like they are soooo important that everyone must bear witness to the madness that is their own life. The other day I decided it was time for new undergarments....yeah it's a splurge purchase because who really wants to spend money on something on one really see's? Well until it's hanging out at the wrong times but mostly no one sees it. So I decide it was time to get the girls up where they belong so I go off on my adventure. As I was in the fitting room trying on my possible new purchases these two ladies in the room next to me were discussing their current "issues" and got me to thinking. At what cost do we give up ourselves all for the possibility of being loved by another?
They were talking about going out and girl A was saying she was really stressed because her boy hasn't worked in almost 3 months but according to their conversation they spend pretty much every weekend getting trashed and fighting. She was sick of supporting him and his two kids from a previous relationship and she had half a mind to quit her 2nd job. So what I gathered is she works 2 jobs to support him and his two kids. Friend B was telling her she should get out and meet someone new. Umm, how exactly is that going to work if boyfriend and his two kids are staying with you?
My immediate thought was wow...they are so young, they have sooooo much to learn but when I bumped into them as we were both leaving the fitting area these women were my age if not older. Seriously....my age! Wow. At this point in life you would really give up so quickly and settle for that kind of a life. Then I wondered would I? Wow. I realize the heart wants what the heart wants but at some point dumb ass has to play into it. I mean come on...what does she really expect to get out of that relationship? Clearly she is past child bearing age, she didn't seem particularly stupid although staying in that relationship is not the brightest move. What could she possibly be getting out of that relationship?
It must be a full moon or something because I just overheard this woman talking about her wedding that is coming up in Oct. and how much they have spent on it. JESUS GOD - $22,000 is the total. Say that with me $22,000. That's insane! That's the price of a car, or a mobile home....this is for ONE DAY! Her dress alone was $7,000. Who has $7,000 to spend on a white dress some one is going to spill food on or worse yet step on while you are dancing. Good Lord. I don't get it....what's wrong with eloping to Vegas?
The cost of being loved is really outrageous.
What are willing to give up to be in a relationship? I realize it's a form of give and take but it seems like some people are willing to pay a hefty price to be considered a couple. How much work is that to change yourself to fit into a "we". There is this older couple in my building who are always holding hands and I wonder - how do they do it. They seem to like each other, they appear to be happy, not like all giddy I'm in love happy, but content, satisfied, even comfortable happy. What is that secret? Did they have to get though all the drama and crap to get to that point or is there that one soul that you just fit with...that when you reach out your hand you don't even have to look, you just know theirs will be there. Sign me up for that.
Some people feel like they are soooo important that everyone must bear witness to the madness that is their own life. The other day I decided it was time for new undergarments....yeah it's a splurge purchase because who really wants to spend money on something on one really see's? Well until it's hanging out at the wrong times but mostly no one sees it. So I decide it was time to get the girls up where they belong so I go off on my adventure. As I was in the fitting room trying on my possible new purchases these two ladies in the room next to me were discussing their current "issues" and got me to thinking. At what cost do we give up ourselves all for the possibility of being loved by another?
They were talking about going out and girl A was saying she was really stressed because her boy hasn't worked in almost 3 months but according to their conversation they spend pretty much every weekend getting trashed and fighting. She was sick of supporting him and his two kids from a previous relationship and she had half a mind to quit her 2nd job. So what I gathered is she works 2 jobs to support him and his two kids. Friend B was telling her she should get out and meet someone new. Umm, how exactly is that going to work if boyfriend and his two kids are staying with you?
My immediate thought was wow...they are so young, they have sooooo much to learn but when I bumped into them as we were both leaving the fitting area these women were my age if not older. Seriously....my age! Wow. At this point in life you would really give up so quickly and settle for that kind of a life. Then I wondered would I? Wow. I realize the heart wants what the heart wants but at some point dumb ass has to play into it. I mean come on...what does she really expect to get out of that relationship? Clearly she is past child bearing age, she didn't seem particularly stupid although staying in that relationship is not the brightest move. What could she possibly be getting out of that relationship?
It must be a full moon or something because I just overheard this woman talking about her wedding that is coming up in Oct. and how much they have spent on it. JESUS GOD - $22,000 is the total. Say that with me $22,000. That's insane! That's the price of a car, or a mobile home....this is for ONE DAY! Her dress alone was $7,000. Who has $7,000 to spend on a white dress some one is going to spill food on or worse yet step on while you are dancing. Good Lord. I don't get it....what's wrong with eloping to Vegas?
The cost of being loved is really outrageous.
What are willing to give up to be in a relationship? I realize it's a form of give and take but it seems like some people are willing to pay a hefty price to be considered a couple. How much work is that to change yourself to fit into a "we". There is this older couple in my building who are always holding hands and I wonder - how do they do it. They seem to like each other, they appear to be happy, not like all giddy I'm in love happy, but content, satisfied, even comfortable happy. What is that secret? Did they have to get though all the drama and crap to get to that point or is there that one soul that you just fit with...that when you reach out your hand you don't even have to look, you just know theirs will be there. Sign me up for that.
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