That is a quote from my friend Troy. I get that endings are endings but I want happily ever after - not just an ending...I want the outcome. Does that exist?
Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year because for one day, or a weekend depending on how you work it out, you can be anything you wish. For some people they get out of their comfort zone and for others, they live out their fantasy. Me...I just want to look good and have fun. I really wanted to be Tinkerbell this year but I thought about it much too late to really look for a costume that wasn't completely whorish. Is that a word? Anyway, I have too much of me to squeeze into a little costume. I'm taking more of the safer route....is that true though? I am going to wear my outfit from the gun show...which for me is out there...it's ....well it's out there. I want to be out there, living on the edge but I am always censoring myself...stopping myself. I wonder what childhood event I can blame that on? My parents are always a good choice but I don't know that they can really take the heat for my insecurities on this one.
Today I am wearing my blonde wig just for fun. Not too out there but enough that it makes me a little invisible for the day. Isn't that funny, today I kind of want to be invisible. I'm sure some therapist would have a field day with that comment. Anyway, it's been fun to see people's reactions to me. They walk by my desk and giggle or stop and do a double take, I made my boss laugh really hard at 7:15 in the morning by him just looking at me. It's a gift really. It's really odd that people don't seem to recognize me until I talk to them. Some of the people who I know that are normally chatty and social with me have walked right by me until I say something then they are shocked....saying I didn't even recognize it was you. What's even funnier is unless you really know me....you might just think I am some nutty old woman trying to pass off a bad wig as my own hair. Oddly enough, the people at work don't seem to expect something like this from me...I guess not here at work any way. Wow, is my corporate Dawn image really working? Now I'm scared.
Hmm, I wonder if I had a crystal ball and I could see into my future if I would like what I see. If I did see it could I change it? I think it might be fun to do a card reading tonight...on this night that the spirits are roaming free. If I could choose a happy ending would I?
Happy Halloween!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Can you hear what I am saying?
I realize words have power, I also realize facial expressions have power. The past few days have been filled with minor irritations and I realized just now after a frustrating conversation with a co-worker who is COMPLETELY clueless about basic, simple everyday type of work related tasks that I can convey a lot more with a look than with words. When I say things out loud they sometimes get ignored but if I look at someone with just the right look they seem to hear that. Odd isn't it that we tune out words so much easier than bodily expressions.
How can something wordless create more chaos? I wish I had a remote control device that I could use to mute, stop or erase things. I realize that would then be used on me in return but still, it would be helpful. I know people who use a lot of expressions and hand gestures when they talk...it seems to me they are in need of attention because it seems to be exaggerated when we are in public. What do they get from being stared at or talked about? What void does it fill? I can probably answer that pretty easily because I used to be like that (more than I am now. I am a work in progress). My friend used to point out to me that I needed to be the center of attention, I try really hard NOT to be that way now. Not that it's a bad thing but it can easily be abused. Look at me, look at me style can be really exhausting.
I think there is a difference between having fun, being who you really are and crossing the line to be the look at me type of person...it's actually probably more of a fine line but it's there. Do we need such external validation to complete ourselves?
I have another friend (oh yes....I have friends!) who is in need of external validation almost all the time. She constantly needs some sort of approval from peers, strangers, anyone on what she does. I hate to divide people into two types....those who HAVE to listen to the opinions of others and those who do what they want and don't care what anyone things. This can really become a habit and there are pitfalls of both styles. People can become so diluted by others input that they literally drown in self dobut or hatred if they don't get what they feel is the right validation. They have no confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish. On the other hand, those who don't care can easily become imprisoned by what they think they already know and may not venture out of their box at all. Aren't we complicated individuals?
When do we learn to trust our own voice and get validation from no one but ourselves?
How can something wordless create more chaos? I wish I had a remote control device that I could use to mute, stop or erase things. I realize that would then be used on me in return but still, it would be helpful. I know people who use a lot of expressions and hand gestures when they talk...it seems to me they are in need of attention because it seems to be exaggerated when we are in public. What do they get from being stared at or talked about? What void does it fill? I can probably answer that pretty easily because I used to be like that (more than I am now. I am a work in progress). My friend used to point out to me that I needed to be the center of attention, I try really hard NOT to be that way now. Not that it's a bad thing but it can easily be abused. Look at me, look at me style can be really exhausting.
I think there is a difference between having fun, being who you really are and crossing the line to be the look at me type of person...it's actually probably more of a fine line but it's there. Do we need such external validation to complete ourselves?
I have another friend (oh yes....I have friends!) who is in need of external validation almost all the time. She constantly needs some sort of approval from peers, strangers, anyone on what she does. I hate to divide people into two types....those who HAVE to listen to the opinions of others and those who do what they want and don't care what anyone things. This can really become a habit and there are pitfalls of both styles. People can become so diluted by others input that they literally drown in self dobut or hatred if they don't get what they feel is the right validation. They have no confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish. On the other hand, those who don't care can easily become imprisoned by what they think they already know and may not venture out of their box at all. Aren't we complicated individuals?
When do we learn to trust our own voice and get validation from no one but ourselves?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Memories
Memories, like the corners of our minds, misty water colored memories, of the way we were.
Man I had a serious flashback this morning as I was walking through the skyway on my way to get coffee. I passed a sign for some radio station and there was a giant picture of Barry Manilow on it and I had this weird dejavu type of moment. I flashed way back to my youth....that's a long time ago....and I remember how crazy excited I was to attend his concert. It wasn't my first concert - that was Hall & Oats on Halloween which I had to sneak into because I was only 16 and my mom FORBID me to go to concerts because people only went there to get high, anyway, I was 18 years old, living with some friends and we splurged on concert tickets. We were up in the nose bleed section but I remember being completely giddy with joy as we arrived and sat down. I thought out of all the people here he will sing to only me. Ahhh, the delusions of youth.
Then I started thinking about how important Barry was in other parts of my life. I had loved him for a long long time. I remember my first kiss was to a Barry song....well kind of. I can't remember exactly how old I was but I do remember it was love. We were playing hide and go seek (clearly I was young like 12/14ish) and I was hiding in the dumpster with Andrew.... so impressed I still remember his name.....and he was humming a Barry song and suddenly, sitting in the giant dumpster (it was a construction dumpster so more building supplies and probably rusty nails!) he leaned over and kissed me. I was so surprised...so excited and so confused. I didn't know what would happen next...do I kiss back, do I stop....I just remember being so confused. Being confused seemed to be what I hung on to. I often feel confused....isn't there a handbook about life I can look things up in and pick from three choices?
Ahh, memories...sometimes they can be fun and comforting and other times they can be a cruel reminder of how mean people can be. After remembering all that fun stuff my mind rambled on to the time when I was older, 16, or as I like to call them "low self esteem days" and again I was playing hide and seek (ummm, did I ever do anything else?) and I was hiding under a car (yeah apparently I'm not a very good player) with this dude...whose name I can't remember probably because he was a total jerk, no wonder I liked him, and he turned to me and said you know I'd kiss you but you have a mustache! I was mortified....yeah the girls in my family are a little generous with the facial hair, it's the Greek genes in us, but jesh.....it wasn't like a full on manly mustache....jesh. That pretty much scared me for life....I'm a regular waxer now....stupid boys.
Our minds are a scary, dark, wonderful place. We can, with just sheer will, change our own history and recreate moments whenever we choose to. Ever talk to two different people who experienced the same event and realize it is so different for each one of them. Much like a first date....one could think it was great and fun and the other thinks it was like sticking pins in your eyes. I wonder if over time we rewrite our own memories. Clearly the really good and the really bad stay pretty clear in our minds but the middle of the road memories....can they be altered?
Are they like a road map that lead us further down the road or are they little potholes in our own road of life? If you make new memories, do you lose the old?
Man I had a serious flashback this morning as I was walking through the skyway on my way to get coffee. I passed a sign for some radio station and there was a giant picture of Barry Manilow on it and I had this weird dejavu type of moment. I flashed way back to my youth....that's a long time ago....and I remember how crazy excited I was to attend his concert. It wasn't my first concert - that was Hall & Oats on Halloween which I had to sneak into because I was only 16 and my mom FORBID me to go to concerts because people only went there to get high, anyway, I was 18 years old, living with some friends and we splurged on concert tickets. We were up in the nose bleed section but I remember being completely giddy with joy as we arrived and sat down. I thought out of all the people here he will sing to only me. Ahhh, the delusions of youth.
Then I started thinking about how important Barry was in other parts of my life. I had loved him for a long long time. I remember my first kiss was to a Barry song....well kind of. I can't remember exactly how old I was but I do remember it was love. We were playing hide and go seek (clearly I was young like 12/14ish) and I was hiding in the dumpster with Andrew.... so impressed I still remember his name.....and he was humming a Barry song and suddenly, sitting in the giant dumpster (it was a construction dumpster so more building supplies and probably rusty nails!) he leaned over and kissed me. I was so surprised...so excited and so confused. I didn't know what would happen next...do I kiss back, do I stop....I just remember being so confused. Being confused seemed to be what I hung on to. I often feel confused....isn't there a handbook about life I can look things up in and pick from three choices?
Ahh, memories...sometimes they can be fun and comforting and other times they can be a cruel reminder of how mean people can be. After remembering all that fun stuff my mind rambled on to the time when I was older, 16, or as I like to call them "low self esteem days" and again I was playing hide and seek (ummm, did I ever do anything else?) and I was hiding under a car (yeah apparently I'm not a very good player) with this dude...whose name I can't remember probably because he was a total jerk, no wonder I liked him, and he turned to me and said you know I'd kiss you but you have a mustache! I was mortified....yeah the girls in my family are a little generous with the facial hair, it's the Greek genes in us, but jesh.....it wasn't like a full on manly mustache....jesh. That pretty much scared me for life....I'm a regular waxer now....stupid boys.
Our minds are a scary, dark, wonderful place. We can, with just sheer will, change our own history and recreate moments whenever we choose to. Ever talk to two different people who experienced the same event and realize it is so different for each one of them. Much like a first date....one could think it was great and fun and the other thinks it was like sticking pins in your eyes. I wonder if over time we rewrite our own memories. Clearly the really good and the really bad stay pretty clear in our minds but the middle of the road memories....can they be altered?
Are they like a road map that lead us further down the road or are they little potholes in our own road of life? If you make new memories, do you lose the old?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Every problem is a gift in disguise
Who believes this raise your hand....that's what I thought. Problems are gifts? How do we see that in the moment? How do we, in the midst of figuring out what to do see that moment as a gift? For me personally, I think of gifts as unexpected surprises, things you want, need, desire, HAVE TO HAVE. Is a problem really something that fits in that category? Isn't a gift something you kinda sorta want? Are problems really gifts and if so, can I refuse? Will it hurt someone's feelings or anger the Universe?
I've been talking a lot lately about "in the moment" kind of moments and a really fun thought occurred to me. Remember the old movies - like Sunday in the Park (probably not the right name but you get the idea - it was a Doris Day movie) and she was just walking through this park I think pondering a problem or discussing a "issue" and BAM - out of no where she breaks into song and dance and EVERYONE involved not only knew the song but they knew the dance steps...heck even the horses (there was a horse and buggy I believe) knew what was going on. Why can't life be a musical number? What song would I choose?
Wouldn't that break the stress or tension during a tough meeting or an relive an awkward moment like just before you kiss someone for the first time. Like the scene from The Little Mermaid...you got to kiss the girl (boy) la la la la la. Ha. That's a really fun thought.....I want my own musical number to break out in the middle of my day. Could it be like a radio station though if you didn't like the song you could change it....if you could change it, would that change the outcome of the moment?
Today's message from the Universe is also very fitting -
How does the Universe know what to say to a person? How does it know what message to send? I guess it's the Universe so it doesn't have to tell me the answer but it's kind of like a fortune cookie....they also seem to be able to address issues. Are we as a society so predictable in our "issues" that fortune cookies and the Universe are able to give a generic statement that applies to most? Are we so easily pacified with such a generic response?
I've been talking a lot lately about "in the moment" kind of moments and a really fun thought occurred to me. Remember the old movies - like Sunday in the Park (probably not the right name but you get the idea - it was a Doris Day movie) and she was just walking through this park I think pondering a problem or discussing a "issue" and BAM - out of no where she breaks into song and dance and EVERYONE involved not only knew the song but they knew the dance steps...heck even the horses (there was a horse and buggy I believe) knew what was going on. Why can't life be a musical number? What song would I choose?
Wouldn't that break the stress or tension during a tough meeting or an relive an awkward moment like just before you kiss someone for the first time. Like the scene from The Little Mermaid...you got to kiss the girl (boy) la la la la la. Ha. That's a really fun thought.....I want my own musical number to break out in the middle of my day. Could it be like a radio station though if you didn't like the song you could change it....if you could change it, would that change the outcome of the moment?
Today's message from the Universe is also very fitting -
You know, the moment I begin to play, grow, and become more than I was, within the jungles of time and space?
I feel alone, disconnected, like I'm missing
something. Even though I'm none of those things.And neither are you.
Rock on, loveable -
The Universe
How does the Universe know what to say to a person? How does it know what message to send? I guess it's the Universe so it doesn't have to tell me the answer but it's kind of like a fortune cookie....they also seem to be able to address issues. Are we as a society so predictable in our "issues" that fortune cookies and the Universe are able to give a generic statement that applies to most? Are we so easily pacified with such a generic response?
Monday, October 27, 2008
If you wait for it - it will come
Today this is what the Universe shared with me:
If you sit and get really quiet, fully expecting your answer, it has to come.
Guaranteed,
The Universe
I know I've talked about this before....seeking the answers...but what if you don't know what the question is? How do you find the question? Is there a test book I can study? Why is it so hard?
Lately my sleep cycle has been interrupted again, partially its because the weather had been nice enough that I enjoyed sleeping with my window open a bit and Smoker Joe is out hacking up his lungs earlier and earlier each day. Partially it's because I have been really off my sleep cycle...staying up too late, getting up too early and probably more importantly it's the phase I'm in right now where I am consuming mass quantities of alcohol and thus adding to my not clearly thinking times which in turn effects my sleep. Seems like drinking is what I want to do these days....possibly to push away the day to day drama/thoughts that interrupt my life. Moderately sedated....although after several days of that my body is not liking Monday morning all that much. :)
It's funny the things that make people get all bent out of shape. I used to be what I call Chicken Little...every event, every drama, everything that was so outside of my normal (what is normal?) day to day existence was cause for panic. I remember on a trip to Chicago with a friend I got a flat tire and I was convinced that I had to sell my car....Chicken Little. But with time, age and years of therapy one learns how to deal....and sometimes I feel really old but it's not really a bad thing I guess. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend and a comment was made that some people can't handle being around people like me who have the type of "life energy"that I have. At first I was confused by that....then I was sort of bothered by that....why do I have to adjust who I am and how I am to be accepted? I hate that I give anyone else the power to make me feel anything. Today I have to play host to an outside group we will be hosting so I have my "corporate face on" and people look at me differently and I feel them judging me with their looks and I just want to ask them....what are you staring at me for? Why does anyone care how I act or look? Does it really effect them in anyway? I wish I didn't care.
How quiet does your soul have to be to hear the answers?
If you sit and get really quiet, fully expecting your answer, it has to come.
Guaranteed,
The Universe
I know I've talked about this before....seeking the answers...but what if you don't know what the question is? How do you find the question? Is there a test book I can study? Why is it so hard?
Lately my sleep cycle has been interrupted again, partially its because the weather had been nice enough that I enjoyed sleeping with my window open a bit and Smoker Joe is out hacking up his lungs earlier and earlier each day. Partially it's because I have been really off my sleep cycle...staying up too late, getting up too early and probably more importantly it's the phase I'm in right now where I am consuming mass quantities of alcohol and thus adding to my not clearly thinking times which in turn effects my sleep. Seems like drinking is what I want to do these days....possibly to push away the day to day drama/thoughts that interrupt my life. Moderately sedated....although after several days of that my body is not liking Monday morning all that much. :)
It's funny the things that make people get all bent out of shape. I used to be what I call Chicken Little...every event, every drama, everything that was so outside of my normal (what is normal?) day to day existence was cause for panic. I remember on a trip to Chicago with a friend I got a flat tire and I was convinced that I had to sell my car....Chicken Little. But with time, age and years of therapy one learns how to deal....and sometimes I feel really old but it's not really a bad thing I guess. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend and a comment was made that some people can't handle being around people like me who have the type of "life energy"that I have. At first I was confused by that....then I was sort of bothered by that....why do I have to adjust who I am and how I am to be accepted? I hate that I give anyone else the power to make me feel anything. Today I have to play host to an outside group we will be hosting so I have my "corporate face on" and people look at me differently and I feel them judging me with their looks and I just want to ask them....what are you staring at me for? Why does anyone care how I act or look? Does it really effect them in anyway? I wish I didn't care.
How quiet does your soul have to be to hear the answers?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Atmospheric Shifts
I love fall. The crisp air, the rustle of leaves as they blow in the wind and then slowly it turns into winter...which I don't honestly mind all that much. I do need to get a new pair of boots but I guess I can manage that easily enough. I like the changing of seasons, it makes me really appreciate my floor to ceiling windows a lot more. When it snows, it sort of looks like I live in a snow globe because of the way the snow sort of blows up like someone is shaking up a snow globe.
This kind of weather makes me sort of want to hibernate a little...not staying in bed all day but staying inside. Since I had to work today I was up at 7, did my opening gig and was back home by 8. Didn't have to be back in the office until 11 so I had 3 hours to myself. I was very productive. Got stuff ready for the craft sale which is next weekend and I feel ready for it now. Plus I got my November birthday cards done, presents wrapped and even took a long bath. It was a very productive morning. Now I just have to finish up my homework for this week and I am ready for this week.
I had a conversation twice this weekend, wait maybe it was actually 3 times this weekend about the joys of spooning. I am not sure how it came up each time but it seems to be a random conversation that lead to it. My one friend refers to spooning as the big spoon or the little spoon. Makes me laugh even more. Who doesn't want to spoon a day like to day...spoon, sleep, relax...ahhh a day to do absolutely nothing...I wonder what that is like.
I am hungry today...don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I drank way more than I ate this weekend. I feel like I could sit a buffet and graze all day. Then I started thinking....what we feed....we feed not only our bodies but our souls. Am I physically hungry or is my soul starving? How do you begin to know the difference?
This kind of weather makes me sort of want to hibernate a little...not staying in bed all day but staying inside. Since I had to work today I was up at 7, did my opening gig and was back home by 8. Didn't have to be back in the office until 11 so I had 3 hours to myself. I was very productive. Got stuff ready for the craft sale which is next weekend and I feel ready for it now. Plus I got my November birthday cards done, presents wrapped and even took a long bath. It was a very productive morning. Now I just have to finish up my homework for this week and I am ready for this week.
I had a conversation twice this weekend, wait maybe it was actually 3 times this weekend about the joys of spooning. I am not sure how it came up each time but it seems to be a random conversation that lead to it. My one friend refers to spooning as the big spoon or the little spoon. Makes me laugh even more. Who doesn't want to spoon a day like to day...spoon, sleep, relax...ahhh a day to do absolutely nothing...I wonder what that is like.
I am hungry today...don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I drank way more than I ate this weekend. I feel like I could sit a buffet and graze all day. Then I started thinking....what we feed....we feed not only our bodies but our souls. Am I physically hungry or is my soul starving? How do you begin to know the difference?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
New experiences
Sometimes it just takes something simple to shake the dust off an ordinary life. One you put yourself in a new situation some things become clearer, some become more muddled. I think I'm going down my own path just fine then something happens and I begin to wonder...do I even want to be on THIS path at all? Why not try a new path? What does one have to lose by trying something new? Just the fear of the unknown or the what ifs.
Trying to figure out who you are and where you belong is an on going plight. You have to learn who you are when no one else is there. That seems to be where I am stuck at lately. Who am I and who do I really want to be?
It's funny, at work I am corporate me...well mostly, some odd version of corporate me, but there is a corporate dance that has to be done and as much as I don't always like it, I do it - mostly. Then when you are with your friends you can be someone else and then with family, acquaintances you are someone else. I find something kind of cathartic about who I am with strangers. Maybe it's a way to build up my self-esteem but if I am out alone I have this version of who I am in my mind that is SOOOO much better than anyone I meet. I think I am the queen of the prom and I find that kind of helpful. I like that fact that with strangers you can pretty much be anyone you want to be at that moment. I often feel much more interesting and that I have something to offer when I am meeting people for the first time. It's like once you give them a peek behind the crazy curtain there is no going back. That must be the appeal behind one night stands....you don't have to deal with any of the issues or nuisances of another persons life, just one night. That must be good in some ways.
Working at the ET you get little snippets of who people are as they walk by the office or if they stop by to talk to you...I like to imagine lives for these people based on these snippets of their lives that I witness. It's funny when I find out differently...the reality doesn't fit my scenario of the life I created for them. Sometimes it better, sometimes not. I tease one of my co-workers because she always seems to get a stalker/boyfriend. These people don't give me the time of day but they love her and sometimes it's inappropriate but it makes me giggle. How lonely they feel to try to get some love and affection from a staff person....knowing full well it's a relationship that could never really be anything more than what it is...a few moments. Maybe that's not so bad, a few good moments must out weigh lots of not good ones...right?
Wouldn't it be cool if you could pick and choose your life items like one of those crane games? Each day you could update or change it. That would be good but I wonder if I would have enough quarters.
Trying to figure out who you are and where you belong is an on going plight. You have to learn who you are when no one else is there. That seems to be where I am stuck at lately. Who am I and who do I really want to be?
It's funny, at work I am corporate me...well mostly, some odd version of corporate me, but there is a corporate dance that has to be done and as much as I don't always like it, I do it - mostly. Then when you are with your friends you can be someone else and then with family, acquaintances you are someone else. I find something kind of cathartic about who I am with strangers. Maybe it's a way to build up my self-esteem but if I am out alone I have this version of who I am in my mind that is SOOOO much better than anyone I meet. I think I am the queen of the prom and I find that kind of helpful. I like that fact that with strangers you can pretty much be anyone you want to be at that moment. I often feel much more interesting and that I have something to offer when I am meeting people for the first time. It's like once you give them a peek behind the crazy curtain there is no going back. That must be the appeal behind one night stands....you don't have to deal with any of the issues or nuisances of another persons life, just one night. That must be good in some ways.
Working at the ET you get little snippets of who people are as they walk by the office or if they stop by to talk to you...I like to imagine lives for these people based on these snippets of their lives that I witness. It's funny when I find out differently...the reality doesn't fit my scenario of the life I created for them. Sometimes it better, sometimes not. I tease one of my co-workers because she always seems to get a stalker/boyfriend. These people don't give me the time of day but they love her and sometimes it's inappropriate but it makes me giggle. How lonely they feel to try to get some love and affection from a staff person....knowing full well it's a relationship that could never really be anything more than what it is...a few moments. Maybe that's not so bad, a few good moments must out weigh lots of not good ones...right?
Wouldn't it be cool if you could pick and choose your life items like one of those crane games? Each day you could update or change it. That would be good but I wonder if I would have enough quarters.
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