Real Happiness

Does it exist? Is it possible to really be happy?

The Universe today says:

The opportunity to find happiness dances within every moment, beats within every heart, and grooves within every occurrence, situation, and event. Yet,it's amazing how many lifetimes it usually takes for someone to "get down on it" and pump up the volume. Feel it?

With the recent news of the latest celeb deaths I began to wonder....did they ever find happiness? Were they ever at peace in their lives and did they find what ever it was they were looking for? I know on a week to week basis I have moments of happiness, where I feel like I'm where I need to be, I am happy and content and all feels good. Then there are days though that I feel like I'll never have what I am looking for, that I'm just now happy.

It's hard to know when you've gotten to the point in your own life when you realize you are happy, you are content, you can relax and enjoy your own life. We don't even let ourselves enjoy and be happy.

It's been my year of no rules....it's worked out pretty good but I might need an addendum....try happiness. Hmm, I'll have to ponder that.

Feeling exhausted

I'm not going to lie....I'm exhausted. Running to hospitals out in Coon Rapids, finishing a paper, working full time, working part-time, trying to have any semblance of a life for myself and now becoming a new Auntie for the 14th time....I'm exhausted.

I feel no inspiration to write, to create, to play. It seems like way too much work to get my thoughts from my head to the paper (electronically). Ugh. It feels so exhausting to just get up and get dressed everyday for work.

I need a break, I need a vacation, I need some time pool/beach side to do nothing.....NOTHING! No phone, no people, no anything...just me, the water and maybe a coconut drink. Doesn't that sound soul recharging!?

I have a few thoughts rattling around in my head but it's going to take some energy and some time to formulate these thoughts into something other than a rambling mess of words thrown together that barely form sentences.

I have to work tonight then do a s'more event with my apartment complex, then drive out to meet my newest nephew and then bake a cake for my boss's birthday tomorrow....at some point I will have to sleep but for now I just keep moving and I'll be fine.

I really do need a wife.

What does the Universe have to say to me today:

You know that feeling of accomplishment, triumph, and sublime joy that immediately follows a job well done, a victory, or a fresh, hot pizza delivery to your door?

I say feel it now. Go on. Give it to yourself without all the rules.

Your boss,
The Universe

Feel it later today and from now on, let's choose to feel these things often.
Just because....

See even the Universe believes in NO RULES! Love it.

Annoyed

I realize some days you get to be the rain clouds and some days you get to be the rainbow but man right now I feel like a storm cloud.

I hate it when you wake up irritated. I don't know why I did, I had a lovely evening with a friend and I went to bed fairly early and still I woke up with my crabby pants on....ugh.

Then as I was leaving my house at 6:10am these two people talked to each other in these sing songy voices that is like freaking nails on a chalk board to me. Do they think that's cute? Charming? Sweet...uh no...it's freaking annoying. Plus these two ladies are well into their 40's and it's SOOO not cute. My lord, stop the sing songy talking....it's uber annoying.

To add to that, I have no air conditioning in my car....yeah she's got 91,000 miles on her and I'm sure she's seen better days but she is paid for and with student loans coming due I don't really want to add another expense...especially since my income is not going up...yet.

Anyway, it's a hot, sweaty irritating day and I really have nothing to say.....so until tomorrow.

Learning to ride without training wheels

Now that school is behind me there are no more excuses for not doing things. I can no longer put everything on the back burner until that magical "someday"...that day is now.

How do you learn to ride without training wheels? You usually have a trusted adult guiding you, holding you up until you are ready to try it on your own. You gear up for it, you prepare yourself for it and yet nothing prepares you for the moment you scream "let me go" and suddenly your flying free and unobstructed by those extra set of wheels you knew would keep you from crashing to the ground and surely suffering your untimely death. Suddenly you have this magical feeling that you are free, that nothing can stop you now and that feeling when you finally look down and realize you are indeed on two wheels is a magical moment. You may stumble a time or two and get banged up and bruised but you keep on going until you are there. You've done it...you've taken that big step towards freedom.

That's what if feels like for me right now. I'm at at the oh God, it's time for me to learn to ride without my training wheels (school being the wheels). It's time for me to pedal on my own and discover my own path, my own freedom. All alone, all by myself, steady and strong hands gripped tight as I venture out onto a new path. Where I'll go or end up doesn't really matter, all that matters is that I am ready to let go of those training wheels and venture out onto two wheels.

Isn't it funny how easy things seem if we just think about them at the core of their being. It's pretty simple once you break it down to the basics. School was a huge commitment not only financially but time and mentally it absorbed a lot of time. It's a big commitment if you really want to get something out of it vs. just going through the motions of writing a paper, reading a chapter and answering some questions. I scoffed at my boss who said it changes the way a person thinks...and if you let it, if you let it in, absorb it, use it, make it fit into your world, it does....it changes how you process and think about things.

I hate it when I'm wrong.

Letting go

One must let go, in order to be free.


Sometimes we hang on to things for too long. Whether it's out of fear, pain, confusion, love, safety, whatever it is, sometimes we hang on to long. There is power in letting things go. It's hard to know when to let things go and when to push through and fight. How do you decide what's worth fighting for?

It's not easy, but it can be done.

I read somewhere that the path to true happiness is often block by our own self. That we are our own worst enemies, that we to lose our mind to be happy. When we were small children we experienced life in a whole new way. Everyday was a new adventure and as we got older we stopped experiencing things and our minds started to define and categorize things. To put things in boxes, or to define them as black and white, good or bad, fun or boring.

The bottom line was we needed to live life in the "Here and Now" . We need to go back to experiencing the world around us. Just like a child's first step out on the lawn, the pointy blades of grass tickling your feet and the joy of splashing through puddles after a rain storm. When was the last time you experienced that sensation? Of course as we get older, people tend to frown upon adults doing that sort of thing. You begin to get labeled as crazy or loony or unstable.

Caring for another person makes you stop and reflect on things. At least it does for me. I see how quickly things change, how quickly the finger of fate comes down and taps one on the shoulder and says "next". It's amazing how quickly life changes. If you don't enjoy the ride is it really worth it? Experience happiness, laugh, spread your joy. Find those things that bring you joy and happiness. Ride that train as long as you can.

For me it is knowing that I have helped someone and brought a little light into their world. It's about taking time to appreciate what beauty there is in the world. It also comes with learning to change your frame of mind from the negative to the positive and seeing things in a different light.

Sometimes all you can do is keep moving and eventually everything turns out OK in the end.

Life gets in the way

Some days are just better than others. It's hard when the unplanned happens. I love surprises, good surprises, happy surprises...fun surprises. I don't love the kind of surprises that wear my soul to the bone.

It's hard when you have to take care of sick parents. It's especially hard when you don't have a very good relationship with the sick parent. It wears my soul faster than it would if I had a good, positive relationship with my dad. If I at all believed or trusted anything he says. But I don't, so it wears me to the bone.

He will be fine I'm sure, he always is but until we get to that point we all stop our lives and do the "good daughter" thing and do what needs to be done. It's not fun, it's not fair but it's what we have to do.....more to be able to live with ourselves later than for him...isn't that sad?

Today is my final presentation for school...I am 99% ready, 98% sure I know what I am doing and in one way it's really kind of sad. I've spend almost every Tuesday, plus other days, with this group of people for the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be very strange to not see them, to not have them be a part of my weekly life. It's really kind of sad. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. I remember when I started school, I thought good lord, what if I am the smartest person in the class, what if I am it.....I am not, I wasn't but the thought terrified me to no end. I also remember having a melt down during my first class thinking why do I think I can do this? Why do I think I am smart enough or strong enough or anything enough to get through this program? And the math classes.....absolutely terrified me.

But here I am, on the outside looking back and I feel really good about it, really proud, really thrilled that I actually accomplished it...even if no one else cares, I totally care about what I did. At my age, at this point in my life I freaking did it. Not alone, and not without a lot of support from my friends. I wouldn't have made it without them. I am very lucky.

What did the Universe have for me today? Made me smile a lot:

In the end, all you have are memories, and usually the ones you have with friends are the ones you treasure most.
I got you, babe.
The Universe

P.S. Not that there's really an "end".... and "usually" means there are indeed exceptions - like dancing in the dark, walking in a park, and some of those really loud sneezes.

Gosh darn it if that doesn't just say it all.

New Chapter

Where does the time go? Blink and all of a sudden you are an adult, blink again and your an adult who just graduated with a 4 year degree. Blink and your living the dream.....I'm still waiting for that blink.

Seems like there is never enough time in 24 hours to get everything done. I keep thinking, what if I don't wake up tomorrow....will this day have been good enough to be my last? Feels like there is so much to do but never enough time.

I went to a Lynx game the other night (women's basketball) and it was kinda cool. I don't think I've ever been to a basketball game. We were in a suite so we were above the crowd in our own bubble (um yeah a life I SOO could get used to) and it struck me as I sat there and watched the crowd from afar how kind of amazing sports really are. I mean you have hundreds of people rallying around a small group of committed people and they all sort of know the rules. When you get a basket they jump up and cheer, if they miss, there is a collective groan from the audience. They seem to be engaged and committed to their team winning. It's really kind of amazing.

If you could harness that power and translate it into real life wouldn't that be amazing!? If you could get your co-workers excited and committed to a project.....imagine what one could accomplish! I keep joking to my boss about it but we need a team chant, mantra or song. I think it would rally the troops!!!

My note from the Universe today was this:

Very simply the more that you accept responsibility for, the more power you have. Doesn't that rock?
Love,
The Universe

and since I've missed a few days of blogging I am going to include a few other notes from the Universe because I think they are important:

There will always be people in your life who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter.
You knew that,
The Universe

While I appreciate this one, I kind struggle with it because there are those who we ALLOW to hold us back, to make us feel inferior, that we give our power away to and we don't even realize we do it until it's too late. We are complicated little ducks.

This one is my favorite...it is LOADED with stuff - I think I may have to reuse this one for a future blog....it has so many layers of stuff I am confused on right now. The thing is this came Monday....the day I came back in expecting my life to be different in some way....and really, nothing, not one single thing changed.

The baby steps in the beginning of a journey always seem inadequate compared to the brilliance of the dream that inspired them. This is natural. If the dream wasn't so far "out there" and dazzling, it wouldn't be worth dreaming! Just don't be led to think that the physical ground you cover with your baby steps is all that they accomplish. Because for every mortal step you take, another cog in a giant wheel behind the curtains of time and space advances, and with it, 10,000 new possibilities.
Better than Star Trek,
The Universe

Life is full of possibilities I get that....but some days it's hard to see them. War chant...maybe I need a war chant.