You know that moment - we've all had one - the one where you stand before the vending machine waiting for your treasured goodies to drop. It's that one second where you've plunked in your last bit of change that you dug through your purse to find, made your selection of an over priced bad for you product and now you watch in anticipation as the little wire spins to release your prize!
Of course seconds before it's free and in your hands it stops and is turned at an awkward angle that leaves it hanging, suspended in mid-air, a tiny corner still locked in place by the wire completely denying you access. You scream to the God's above and try with all your might to shake it loose but the machine weighs 500lbs. Curses.
It's like meeting prince charming only to find out he sits around in his underwear, burping and shushing you while he watches TV. Or the very second you stick your face into that bag of chips, trying to gobble up every last little salty crumb and suddenly your boss walks around the corner and into your cube.....I call these Vending Machine Moments.
Sometimes it feels like there is a giant metal spring constantly blocking us from getting to that next step on our journey in life. That we live in some giant vending machine just shy of the nickel we need to get that over priced, air filled bag of Cheetos for two seconds of bliss. Sometimes we just need to have the bad food, the stale chips or the ultra small sized over priced candy....it's that few minutes of satisfaction that sometimes can help spring us forward into the next moment.
After all that's all our days are - moments. Moments after moments and each action causes us to move forward into another moment and without thinking we are at the end of a day. All comprised of thousands of moments...some mean absolutely nothing and yet other moments mean so much more.
What other realities are out there, hidden behind clouds in our own mind that we can't see? I realize that this is not an easy question to formulate an answer too. When I was younger ( and more ambitious) I thought I knew where I wanted to go in life, where I wanted to be. Things seemed so much clearer and easier then. I think I wanted power, fame, wealth. I craved experience, knowledge and desired passion. I felt a burning desire to save the world and to leave my mark, however, as life continues to move on and disappoints me I find I have less and less yearning for these things.
I have still have ambition, but ambition without desire is kind of like a firework that looks pretty but burns out fast. I need more. I need something bigger. I need more than a moment in time.
I‘ve had enough achievements in my life to know that those moments temporarily quench my thirst. Don't get me wrong, there have been some great moments but such moments are short-lived and when they are over, there is usually a crash...back to reality. Immediately followed by the inevitable...now what.....where do I go from here?
Each time I have set out to accomplish something, several failures usually come along for the ride. It happens quite unexpectedly. I energetically (and often naively) set off in pursuit of some goal going along my path and at some point failure rears it's ugly head. Failures at least in relation to my expectations. If, however, I persevere; if I give increasing amounts of time and energy to the task; if I learn from my mistakes; if I modify the goals as I proceed; then, often, there comes a moment of success.
But by this time— days, weeks, and sometimes years have gone by and the "who" I am now is very different from "who" I was when I began. Sometimes the "me" that committed to the goal has gone right when I should have gone left. Is this victory?
I wonder if I say: "I want this!" and it could be instantly fulfilled, if I would experience the pleasure anticipated with the thought. Or is the time between the wish and the fulfillment what really makes it all come together? Who knows what the result will be? I might no longer want that particular thing any longer or the current "me" might even be repelled by the outcome.
Even if I know clearly, and with complete certainly that I want this particular thing right now, how do I know I will want the same thing if I succeed sometime in the future? Further, because of time—because nothing seems to happen instantaneously, because of the inevitable pause between the wish and the fulfillment—any moments of my life spent getting "this" cannot be spend getting "that." Yet how do I know, when the moment of fulfillment comes, that I wouldn't have preferred "that" to "this?" Well, maybe I'll get both. If I work hard enough?
And I seem to notice that my bag of chips gets a little lighter with each passing minute—whether I enter the game or not. Is this the game of life?
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