It's all downhill from here

Being alone or by myself is something I keep struggling with. I don't know if it's the actual act of being alone or if it's more feeling based. It seems to be getting worse as I get older too.

Being alone to me feels like - I don't matter. That if something happened to me, if I fell or got hurt or died - no one would know. No one would care....no one would notice. I KNOW that's not the truth, I know it in my heart but it's there...it's in me...it's how I feel. I can't really separate that - yet....but either way, I am not a fan of it. Because of this I have to force myself to be at home. To do things around me house all by myself.

I am addicted to texting. Maybe because it makes me feel like I am not alone, maybe because it FORCES people to think about me, I don't know...I do know - I love it. I crave it...I can't go a day without it. Judge me if you must but it is what it is.

Anyway, I decided on Sunday that I wasn't going to be the first to text people...that I would wait and see how long before anyone contacted me. So I waited...and I waited...and my normal routine is I send several texts before 10 a.m. because I don't sleep well....that's a whole other issue....but Sunday, I waited. I never heard from the usual suspects until about 3 p.m.

I realize other people have families and lives and things going on besides me but that was a bit of a ---- I don't know, shock? disappointment? Kind of made me a little sad.

I then decided I would take the day and do things around my house I have been putting off. So I cleaned, I organized, I purged and got rid of some things and still I felt uneasy in my own space. What is that about?

I have had the opportunity a few times to get a roommate if I really wanted one, but I don't want one. The thought of having to share my space with another person isn't really what I want. I am a complicated duck...this I know.

I started thinking however, about how we become the people we are. How we become so entwined and dependant on other people to complete us. I think that's it....I need other people to complete me. To make me feel whole, to give me purpose, to give me a reason to do what it is I do everyday. I mean what is it for if not to make me happy and feel loved and needed by others? Hmm, I sense a bigger issue here.

Then I wondered....if you knew how your life would end up would you venture down that path? If you knew that the person you are in love with right now would turn into something different, something you didn't bargain for would you stay? Would you invest your heart and your time? Would the trade offs be worth it?

What about the job you have...if you knew it would change and morph into something completely different or outside where you ever saw yourself doing would you stay? The Universe posed this question to me a few days ago and its made me think a lot since then:

Would you ever take a journey if you knew ahead of time that you'd become hopelessly lost, have your heart broken into pieces, and sometimes wish you'd never been born?

Now, how about if you knew ahead of time that on that very same journey you'd also find yourself, fall passionately in love, and live happily ever after?

It's the "what if's" of life that always make me stop and pause.

What if's will eat you alive.