The plans we make

I heard this great quote one time - We plan and God laughs.

The context around it was a gentleman in his 40's was talking about how he and his wife were finally ready to move onto the next phase in their life because their youngest child had just graduated high school and was leaving home for college. I bet you know how this ends....they found out his wife was pregnant. We plan....God laughs.

I remember when I was a kid like 12 or 13 years old and at that time in my life all I wanted to do was be a teacher. I imagined this amazing life that was happy and fulfilling and perfect. I almost always liked my teachers and so I imagined they had perfect, happy amazing lives. As I got older, I changed my mind because I was told over and over how little teachers make, how hard they work and how they struggle with such low incomes - so I changed my mind.

I never really had a clear path as to what I changed it to but I knew that I couldn't bare to live a life where I was always broke (ironic huh!?) so I listened to my mother. Mistake one.

"Get married, have kids, buy a house...that's what women do" was the sage advice my mother gave me. Don't waste your time in school. So I tried. I tried to get that life. I tried to find "Mr. Right". I always seemed to find Mr. I'll take your money and let you work but I don't want to actually work, or Mr. you'll do until one of your better looking friends comes along. I was never "the one" for someone else. I was always willing to give up what I wanted, what I needed, what I hoped for in order for someone else to be happy.

At some point you have to realize that isn't the way to live. So I stayed single. I stayed busy with friends and jobs and a busy social life. All around me though friends were getting married or moving in with someone or moving away for a job....and here I remained...in my own bubble. So I listened to my mother....again.

Get a career. Get a nice secure job. So I did. I left the world of child care (was a nanny for many years) and entered Corporate America. There I felt like a little tiny cog in a great big wheel but I also felt hopeful that somehow I would rise through the ranks and "be someone". As Lily Tomlin says "I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific".

There was no way I was going to get lost in the corporate shuffle. I was going to come in and be myself and wear what I wanted to wear. I would be loud and proud and do whatever it took to stand out. So I did...for many years - but one day I realized that to get anywhere you have to play the game. You have to drink the "kool-aide" and become a corporate cog. So I did.....I changed everything about myself and I played the game. I did what was asked of me, I even went back to school for a 2 year degree and I started moving in a direction I thought I wanted to go because that's what you do to be successful. You play the game. Turns out it was movement but not really in the direction I should be going.....we plan, God laughs.

So again, I found myself living a life that I thought I was suppose to. I went to work, I came home, I had a very busy social life and yet I always felt like something huge was missing. I still couldn't capture or find that elusive missing piece of myself. Is it missing me or am I missing it?

At the crossroads of life and in my 40's - trying to figure out where to go and what to do I found myself heading back to school again, to complete my 4 year degree this time. Maybe that was the answer. Maybe that would open the doors, maybe it was true what people were saying....I needed a 4 year degree to advance. Possibly that will fill this void inside and something magical will happen when I walk across that stage and accept my degree. Somehow all the answers to life will just come to me and I will be happy and fulfilled and all will be right in the world. Right? We plan....God laughs.

So I did just that. I worked hard, I gave up a lot to finish school and then, oddly enough the answers never came. The doors never opened....June came and went and soon it was the end of the year and the beginning of another and yet no answers. Where can they be?

They weren't in the summer flings I had, they weren't on the trips I took and they certainly weren't among the new and amazing friends I made along the way. So where are they? Where are the answers? Are they still within me? Are the buried inside waiting for me to discover them or are they out there and I have to venture out to seek and find?

Why don't I know? Will I get to ever know that? We plan and God laughs.

Wish I knew the punch line.