Am I the Grinch?

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." - Dr. Seuss

Christmas came and went in the blink of an eye, for me it did anyway. It doesn't have anything to do with the gifts or the parties or the "stuff"...not like it used to. Do I miss the Christmas times of my youth when I awoke and raced downstairs to gaze upon stockings so full of unknown surprises....filled to the brim with candy and treats and small gifts? Gasping at the mass of presents under the tree as far as my eyes could see? Some wrapped...some too big to be wrapped and hoping they were ALL for me! Maybe a little. I think what I miss most of all is the connection that day/time brings. The meaning behind all the "stuff".

When you get older and your alone you don't really get that....connection anymore. You don't have that magic moment that makes you feel like you are a part of something bigger. So maybe I do sympathize a little more with the Grinch than I'd like to admit. When I wake up on Christmas morning there is no magic moment...no WOW for me. It's a day like any other day for me and if I'm not with family, I still have to make my own coffee. It's just another day.

This year seemed particularly different to me. Maybe because I worked retail and I got to witness first hand the amount of "stuff" people were buying. It's a little crazy really. I mean don't get me wrong, I LOVE presents and I LOVE to give them....but I can't help but wonder why we stress ourselves out so much and spend so much for that moment of waking for that magic feeling? Is it worth it? Can't we do something year round or at unplanned times in the year to show the special someone's in our lives they matter? I know we can...but why don't we? Why don't I?

I seem to have lost my mojo for holidays this year. Even my own birthday went by without much of a clatter...that's not really me but it seems, it may be who I have become. Do we really become someone completely different out of the blue?

Another year's end is fast approaching. I used to love New Year's eve. Loved the possibility of a new start, that maybe THIS year I will be someplace where confetti falls from the ceiling at midnight and that maybe, just maybe this year will be amazing! But it seems, that one year just sort of blurs right into the next and nothing much changes...maybe the faces of those around you change....you lose some friends...gain some new ones...you move, have new neighbors....give up going out with certain groups or suddenly decide to not spend time with others. Faces and places change but really what remains central is you...you are the center of your own Universe.

What changes can one really make in a year? I mean some simple ones but the big, internal, life changers take more time. I was told this story recently of a man who made a list of life questions for his father in an attempt to get to know him better. Because, as we all know, we age as fast as our parents do and they surely won't be around forever. In an attempt to get to know more about his father he made a list of 37 questions...he gave the list to his father and hoped, one day, to have answers. Of course you know the father passed away suddenly and unexpectedly but as the son was cleaning out his fathers house, he came across the list and most of the questions had been answered by his father....he found great comfort in this. Having lost my own father this year, made me wonder a bit...who was he really. What I thought I knew of him is all I will ever have. I don't know what made him happy, what childhood memories he took with him into his life. I don't know if he was living the life he chose or did his life choose him? What did he feel about his time in the military? Why did he pick my mother to marry? Was he really always the sad, unhappy, mean, selfish man I knew at the end? Was there ever a time in his life where he wanted something more? Different? Did he even try? Made me think....when I'm gone, what might someone want to know about me?

Since I don't have children of my own to leave a legacy too, or to take care of me when I'm old I will count on my nieces and nephews...they will have to take care of their Auntie. We all have a unfinished life story, what does our final chapter look like?

I want to ask my mom somethings before she's gone: 1) What's been your greatest moment? 2) What is your biggest fear? 3) Why did you marry dad? 4) When were you at your absolute happiest? 5) What advice would you have to pass on? 6) If you could change one thing, what would it be and why?

I did a mini version of this with my grandmother when I had some alone time with her before I moved her to Minnesota, where she died shortly after. I remember asking my grandmother if you could change one thing in your past, go back and do one thing differently what would it be and why? At first she laughed it off, and said what does it matter, it didn't happen, you can't change what is. You just have to make the best of the life your given and be happy with that. I remember thinking to myself - that's true but didn't she have hopes or desires or dreams or wants that never happened no matter the life she had? Couldn't she have possibly wanted anything more that what she had? On the last night in Florida, after I had spent a week in 90 degree weather packing up her life and her house, giving away almost everything she owned, having had to watch an 86 year old woman say good bye to the life and friends she had known, it occurred me, that who we ARE is composed of more than just our thoughts and dreams. All the "stuff" we accumulate through our lives is part of us to.

I tossed away furniture, pots and pans, brooms, Tupperware, and stuff that to me had no meaning. It was just clutter that there was no room for in my mothers house where I was taking my grandmother to. I cleared out all the "stuff " in her life with careless abandonment because I was focused on getting her home....to my mom's house...and all this "stuff" was just clutter in my way. I never gave any thought that that meant anything to her. Looking back at that last night we spent in Florida, in a cheap hotel right by the airport sitting in the warm night air I wish I were more present in that moment. I wish I had more thought to when, quietly as we sat rocking in the swing on the porch in the hot Florida night my grandmother said "I would have said I love you more".

I was exhausted, tired and emotionally drained from packing up and making decisions about all her stuff and lying to her about it....yes Grandma, I packed those up...when in reality I threw them away or gave them away. I got rid of her life in 3 days with barely a thought of what things meant. The pots and pans she owned her whole married life with my grandfather who had passed 10 years earlier, the furniture they bought together, the lamps they picked out, everything had to go - I was so focused on getting home I forgot her life, her stuff, her things - mattered. I said what are you talking about Grandma? Taking a long puff on her Salem 100's cigarette, she said....I would have said I love you more. I looked at her quizzically thinking - wow, she has really lost it now.

She stared off into the night sky and simply said: you asked me what would I change if I could go back and do one thing differently - I think it matters that people know you love them. And not just saying it...showing it. She then continued to smoke her cigarette until it was a tiny nub of the filter left and we didn't say another word - we just sat there rocking. I can't remember exactly what thoughts were going through my head but they sure weren't OMG! That's amazing..I want to remember that...I want to carry that back into my life, I want to tell people I love them....and not just tell them...show them. Actions speak louder than words. But I didn't...not then anyway...I trudged on with my life and continued on as if any day were the same as the last.

The last time I spoke with my grandmother was a few days before she died. I remember visiting her in the nursing home, a little angry that I had to go...that I HAD to go visit. It early January and she had been in there since right after Thanksgiving. Her body started shutting down and just before Christmas they told us it wouldn't be long. So we went...everyday to see her and to hold her hand and to tell her we loved her. She stopped eating and really responding in early January and we knew the time was close. The day she died, January 14, the nurse came into her room and said Hi Annie, what are you going to do today? My grandmother hadn't really responded much in the last few weeks...but that day she said she was going home to Chicago. The nurse said well have a good trip. At some point after the nurse left my grandmother slipped quietly away and went home to Chicago. That is where my grandfather was buried and grandma decided it was time to go home. She just slipped away and that was that.

I hadn't thought much about that moment or that time until this Christmas. Maybe because it was the first Christmas without one of my parents...it was harder for my sisters than it was for me, which made it hard for me. Who wants to see anyone sad? It made me think of my Christmas's as a child and all the excitement that came with Christmas morning and then my grandparents coming over and the smell of the house as Christmas dinner cooked and we all played with all our new stuff and how happy we all were...for just that teeny block of time. I miss that. I miss that moment with my sisters and brother....the sound of a house full of people and the smell of Christmas dinner and the fresh tree.

So perhaps the Grinch was right after all - it can come without ribbons or tags. It's not about the packages, boxes or bags. Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

There are no such things as coincidences…..

Or are there?

The word “coincidence” is actually two words, “co” and “incidence,” which means when two things happen at the same time for no apparent reason.

It’s been said that coincidences are just routine patterns that we haven’t yet recognized. Is it a “coincidence” that I have coffee every morning (well, mostly if someone else is making it) or is it routine, habit…part of me?

Sometimes in the midst of chaos, routine is what keeps us sane, keeps us going….keeps us plugging along the life path we’ve chosen to be on. Every day we take the same way to work, drink the same cup of coffee, go to the same job and starting it all over again the very next day HOPING something will be different…but the circle continues…the wheels keep turning and we keep moving until something, like fate, jumps in to remind us, we aren’t alone.

Life is something planned…we figure out who we think we want to be early on and we move towards it. We pick a school, a job, a career, a life, a mate…..we plan….mostly leaving nothing to chance, for a the life we think we want. “Show us signs along our path that lead us to the answers we need right now to advance our lives in accordance with our happiness."

Hopefully we are planning a life based on our own happiness, but that’s another issue all together. If anyone took the time to watch us, I mean to study our lives from the outside, they would see no coincidences, no change in our easy, predictable, traceable routines. It’s really just a breathable version of connect the dots. Every once in a while however, fate gives us a nudge, like a giant elbow to the head, causing our routine to skip a beat, just for a second, making us remember we’re still alive. A sudden job loss, the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship…any big life change is there to tap us on the shoulder and remind us to live our live, not just coast through. It’s easy to get caught up in a routine.

Sometimes that’s what we have to do for a short time. When I was in school, my life was filled with nothing BUT routine. I went to class Tuesday nights, did the reading or assignments (homework) Wednesdays, had a professional commitment on Thursdays….Friday was MY night. Usually it consisted of sleep, or errands or trying to reconnect with family and friends. Saturdays it was meeting with my group or doing more homework, Sunday was cleaning, laundry, shopping and finishing up any last minute house/life stuff which lead us into Monday, which was devoted to making sure homework was done and ready for Tuesday class. It was that way for so long that when it finally ended, I almost had a breakdown….now what do I do? Coincidence? Routine? Whatever it was, it got me through a challenging time. Now the trick is to find that balance in everyday life so we don’t have to go through these stages of routine waiting for fate to slap us in the head to remind us were here.

Is it a coincidence we’ve become friends, lovers, partners, husbands, wives…..family with people we’ve met? Is the Universe conspiring to send us those people that we need? Have you ever met someone and before you know it you can’t imagine your life without that person in it? You can’t imagine waking up one day not seeing them, talking to them, having them be a part of your whole entire being? Is that a coincidence or is it fate?

Fate is the supposed force or power that predetermines events, a series of inevitable events that we don't choose or control. If you believe in fate, it’s probably bigger than just that simple statement, but you have to accept the fact that you have no idea what is going to happen, that someone or something bigger than you,however, does. Has our “fate” already been decided for us or do we get to plan that as we make our own life choices? Is the entire cosmos system out there deciding for us or do we meet people along the way (coincidence) that redirect us and take us to new/different paths?

“The man, who knows something, knows that he knows nothing at all” So are you ready to accept that? Believing in coincidences doesn’t mean that we are stuck with a life of simplicity, or that our actions don’t matter, choice is always a part of our own lives. Our actions matter. Our choices matter. Everyday we get to choose the things we want to keep in our lives and the things/people/jobs/stuff it may be time to let go of. Other than that, you have no way of knowing specifically how you will influence the universe; you can only assume that if you live life passionately, pursuing a life dedicated to your own pursuit of happiness, that your effect will be positive.

In this life, that may be as good as it gets.

Lost in my mind

Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget some of the basics. I've been living that way for a long time now, caught up in life....the elusive hunt for the things that gives up purpose, meaning....a reason to be. It's time to give up that ghost.

I think 2012 is going to have to be a year of getting back to the basics. These simple everyday things that seem to get lost in the shuffle of us trying to “be” something…or to “get” somewhere. Somewhere in our lives, we've bought into all the consumerism and the fact that we, just as we are, aren't enough. It's time to remember or realize that we DO have all we need.

The most important thing we have in our lives is our connections to others….the friendships we’ve cultivated, the family (for better or worse) we’ve got and the jobs we stay at. It’s time to get back to the simple things in life and hopefully that will help create a road map that leads us out of the muddled mess that has us lost in our own minds.

Treat others as you want to be treated. This one is a hard one. Especially if you work retail during the holidays, you see the worst (sometimes the best, but more often not) in people. The greed, the inability others have to see anyone or anything outside their own bubble. I’m sorry I don’t have control over a manufacturer who only produces a small quantity of the Muppet's nail polish. Please don’t yell at me like I’ve personally stolen your first born child and sold them for a bowl of oatmeal. And yes, everything has exceptions…this includes the $3.50 coupon you are standing here arguing with me about….how much in gas did you spend to drive here and how much is that name brand everything your wearing cost? You want to argue with me why you can’t save $3.50 off your $8.00 purchase when the coupon CLEARLY states it’s with a $10 purchase? Really? You want to fight THAT battle? Here….why don’t I just open my cash drawer and give you…let’s say all the $20 bills I have in here…..will that make you happy?

Treat others as you want to be treated….don’t yell at a cashier making $10 an hour because you can’t use your $3.50 coupon on high-end $25 mascara…..suck it up and get a $6 tube of Maybelle for God’s sake….heck, get 3 tubes!

A friend of mine was recently doing a talk pre-holiday....about learning to be true to ourselves during these times. He talked about this Hindu phrase he uses as his mantra "neti neti". Loosely translated it means "not this, not that". I'm sure there is some deeply hidden spiritual meaning behind it but for this purpose, let's keep it simple. Neti neti. I feel that, I get that, I pretty much want to OWN that statement.

If you ask me what I want I can't answer that, I can however, very clearly tell you what I DON'T want....neti neti. I think along with that phrase needs to go the tag line "stop doing the things that don't work for you". This may eventually lead us into the things that do??? Maybe?

So the pre-holiday talk consisted of 4 bullets - 1) Neti neit 2) Start a new tradition 3) Find your peeps 4) Start seeing with new eyes. They all of course, tie into each other. Stop doing the things that don't work for you. Don't do things just because you always have. The holidays still come and go even if you don't spend 6 hours at your family's. Surround yourself with people who fill your bucket....who energize you...support you....love you... and finally take off the rose colored glasses and look at things as they really are. You are never going to have a Hallmark holiday....so quit expecting it.

Lost in my mind, no where to go, lost in my mind, no room for new thoughts. If you keep your brain filled with all the old things how can you expect anything new to infiltrate and change?

We create our own life one choice at a time. Choose wisely.

Becoming who we are

Every day we wake up we choose who we are…who we will become. Everything we do every day, every action, every word, every movement comes back to who we are. Life sometimes teaches us lessons we don’t even realize mean anything until a lightbulb goes off.

It’s like we come to a path in the road and we choose, we choose one way over another and we try to make the best of it…..we search for the answers we don’t really need, we don’t even know we don’t need them until we come up empty. This isn’t who I’m supposed to be. Every mistake we make is a chance to learn, everytime we fail, we are just learning to become who we are.

What if we don’t really want to be THAT person anymore? What if we no longer want to be the person we have become? Is is that easy to choose a new us?

That my friends, is a whole new question and process. We grow up with an idea of who we are and who we want to be. We learn this from the people in our lives….or the lack of people in our lives. We become who we think we are supposed to be. If you grew up with people who valued education and hard work, that’s what you do, that’s who you become. If you grew up with people who valued art, imagination and free will …that’s who we become……with very few exceptions, we become who we think we are supposed to be. It’s only once we become an adult and strike out on our own that we suddenly decide there is more to life, to us, to the choices we make than the world we’ve created for ourselves. We begin to learn who we are.

There are lots of stories of those who grew up in a “good family” and yet they took the path less traveled…they didn’t follow in anyone’s footsteps…they became their own person. They live their life according to their own beliefs and rules. They veered off the path that life had set out in front of them only to find their own trail. My question is…..how do you know your who you are because it’s what YOU want to be or it’s what you THINK you’re supposed to be?

I always thought I’d be a wife, a mother, a teacher, a totally independent person who doesn’t need anyone for anything….I am woman hear me roar. I never imagined I’d be single, childless and sit behind a desk 8 hours a day working on someone else’s idea of success, someone else’s dream….never thought I’d have this life. Not to say it’s a bad life or an unimportant life, it’s just not at all what I imagined I’d be. I recently found an old journal of mine from when I was 12/13. Now I know the angst of being a pre-teen has its own issues but once you get past them (my sister stole my nail polish – my brother is such a jerk! Why won’t that boy notice me!?) once you get past the petty everyday pre-teen problems you can see the smattering of dreams sprinkled in there. I wanted to BE someone…I wanted to BE something…..I wanted so much more that I even knew. I often said things like “I can’t wait to have my own place” or I made lists of all the things I would buy once I got to have my own money…..it’s silly really - it was things like having more records (yes I said records!) or going to concerts or buying the clothes I wanted or the furniture I thought was super cool. I wanted sooooo badly to have a chair shaped like a giant hand…..why? because it was going to be AWESOME! But in there are the dreams of who I thought I would be….I wanted to be a teacher, I wanted to work with kids, I wanted to have a life of play and carefree fun…..but the reality is…that’s not what being an adult is. There are bills to pay, a house to clean, clothes to be washed, grocery shopping to be done, bathrooms to clean……so much we take for granted as a kid…..sooooo much.

But knowing this…knowing full well now that we have the choice to be who we want to be – how do we choose? Everyday we have the option to change who we are, we can’t change anyone else’s idea of who they THINK we are, but we can change who we THINK we are. It’s all about choices. We choose each and every day the things we do and say. We choose our attitudes, what makes us happy, what makes us feel of value, of importance. It’s no one else’s choice but our own. We choose to keep people in our lives, we choose to let them go. We choose new jobs or to stay at one we hate. Every choice, every movement, everything we do creates who we are.

Who will you choose to be?

Music creates inspiration!

I imagine if I had the ability to formulate my thoughts, experiences or feelings into pretty words, I would be a song writer. I admire those who can channel an experience, good or bad, into a verse they can share with the world. I so love a song that feels like they have just crawled out of my head or soul and created a song JUST FOR ME. I sometimes feel quite afraid that song writers have actually been spying on me with hidden cameras to get “ideas” for their songs.

Inspiration...where does it come from?
Pink is one artist whom I feel a very close connection with. Her song Glitter in the Air:
“It's only half past the point of no return, The tip of the iceberg, The sun before the burn, The thunder before the lightning, The breath before the phrase, Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone” feels like she actually crawled inside my head and soul and wrote this song.

Or her song Perfect “The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear, The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer, So cool in line and we try try try, But we try too hard and it's a waste of my time. Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere They don’t like my jeans, they don't get my hair. Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time. Why do we do that? Why do I do that?” could have been written after a coffee session with me. Honestly!

It seems that she has some hidden camera focused on my life and she wrote these songs TO me ABOUT me FOR me. I suppose in another way, it should comfort me to realize I am not the only one who is feeling this…who shares this thought on life, people and/or the power that connection holds. It should comfort me....but it doesn't.

I was obsessed with American Idol in the early days, I think because secretly I always wanted to be a singer, but the AI before it got all showy and popular. I was one of the early junkies of the show. I remember that moment when Kelly Clarkson came out to sing her song they wrote for her A Moment Like This – and I remember weeping at the words…the meaning…the power those words have. Words have so much power. Once they are said, once they are given a voice – they cannot be forgotten. In that song there is a line that says “Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this” and that line just reached out to my soul and kind of sucked my breath away…made me really think how we don’t even know that we are waiting for our “moment”.

What do we do to create those "moments" for ourselves? Do we give away our right and our power to others to create that for us? Do we allow ourselves the right to create that for ourselves or do we give in and let others control that FOR us? I’d like to believe that we don’t allow that to happen, that we take ownership for our own happiness, success, life – the reality is however, it’s usually based on lots of external factors we’ve convinced ourselves really matter.

I’ll be happy when I’m married, have kids, have a house, make more money, have a husband, a wife, a partner. I’ll be content when I have a new car, a better job, more vacations, a better partner than what I have now. I’ll be happier when I’m thinner, prettier, better dressed. Not to say that can’t happen or won’t, but we put all these conditions and terms and “rules” on ourselves that we almost make it impossible for us to succeed or to actually have a life we think we want. We also allow others to make that true, to then to make that our reality.

Take the recent Kardashian debacle. Kim’s marriage, her fairytale marriage is over. How many people watched that and used that as the example for a “perfect” life - for a happy life? How amazingly perfect things must be because they have each other, tons of money, amazing clothes, expensive cars, a ring that’s worth more than the grand total of EVERYTHING that I own. How many people set that as an example of a “perfect” life? I do, to an extent.....

Reality is harder than we think. It’s not sparkly and shiny. It’s seeing someone at their worst (physically and emotionally) and not walking away. It’s working 15 hour days to pay off debt. It’s going without lavish vacations or expensive purses or clothes or cars to keep a roof over your head. It’s working a a few jobs that earn you enough to survive. It’s being a friend to someone unconditionally. There is no cut, no take-two…no do-over. It’s real and it’s raw and hard and it’s always changing. It’s what we choose to make it.

So where’s the song to talk about this? Where’s the song to say “Meh, this isn’t my “fairytale” life but it’s MY life and I am going to make it be the best it can be” – or the song that says “I’m ok being the “no thank you” person in every piece of my life”.

Maybe I should consider my career as a song writer….perhaps it’s time to go down that path.

The path of least resistance

A moment changes everything whether it’s a twist of fate or the will of the Universe, a moment can change everything.

Something as simple as the one harmless thing you do….a stolen glance with someone that might lead to another’s broken heart, visions/dreams/hopes that live in our heads of the life we have envision for ourselves “someday”. The years go whipping by us and before we realize it we are where we are. Looking back we see that we have spent our energy and time running towards something - towards a life, a person, a destination – whatever it is, only to finally wake-up and realize we can no longer hide from even ourselves. That we are not who we even thought we were going to be and we are not where we thought we would be. Suddenly we are no longer able to hide all those feelings and thoughts and dreams that are inside of us, waiting to get out. Time is no longer our friend but a constant reminder that as long as a day is, it’s never enough time and suddenly we’ve never felt so far away and disconnected from life.

That’s when the moment changes everything - the way you think, feel, act…..look at things.

Suddenly nothing feels right, nothing works. Everything feels like you’re absolutely standing still in time. Now what do you do? There comes a time in life, a time we face the road we’ve chosen, the path we are on and we accept it. We own it and make it be the best of it. There is also the time we stop, take a deep breath and figure out what else might there be? What else is it that we are looking for? What else might be there that we don’t even see or know about? That time is now…that place is here and that moment will change everything.

So you start down a new path, you come to another fork in the road (there’s always a fork in the road) and you choose….you boldly walk down the path and come what may, there you are. Its human nature to choose the path of least resistance….it’s pretty much what the Universe is always telling us. If we’ve learned ANYTHING at all from Jurassic Park it was this – Jeff Goldblum (Dr. Malcolm) is talking about the natural affinity there is for the path of least resistance. He places a drop of water on his hand and lets it run off in the way it chooses to…the path it wants. Then, he does it again with another drop in a slightly different spot. The water “chooses” the same path as the first drop….this proves that everything seeks the path of least resistance. Is that right? What is that really telling us? Should we even TRY to choose a new path? Could we?

What does free will actually have to do with things then? Do we even HAVE free will or is it that we can choose a new path and then as we ignore the old path it becomes as ambiguous and unknown as the new path we are on so suddenly they start to look like each other and without thinking of it, we suddenly feel as if they ARE the same path and we quit fighting…..thus becoming the path of least resistance. It’s like we begin to mirror the old behaviors and suddenly they become the new and that’s how we end up in the same relationships or jobs or lots in life because as much as we think we are CHOOSING a new path, we aren’t.

Does it really come down to changing our own thoughts? Thoughts do become things...so ultimately our own success does lie at the fork in the road.

In the immortal voice of Yogi Berra “If you come a fork in the road, take it!”

Time flies!

So I realized today that this year is almost over. I had a conversation with a friend this morning that reminded me how really short life can be. It's odd how fast time really does go by. She is adopted and just found her birth parents......her mother is sick but her father, her birth father was healthy, happy, successful and she had finally established a relationship with him but he was unexpectedly killed by a drunk driver over the last weekend. She was conflicted on how to feel and how to process it all. It got me to thinking.....time really does fly by us without much control.

If I could write a letter to myself as a younger person I would tell myself these things......that things we think are a BIG deal...really aren't. Life isn't always what you think it's going to be. You have to be able to roll with the punches and now worry what anyone else thinks. As long as you are good and kind and treat others as you want to be treated, you are going to be OK. Save more than you spend. You DON'T need all those "things" you think you do. You need a safe place to live, a reliable car and a few really amazing, good friends you can call ANYTIME to talk you off the ledge. The boy or girl you THINK you love who doesn't know you exist....isn't worth your time or energy. At some point at sometime someone will come along and see how amazing you are and will hold your hand like no one else ever has...that' the person you hang on to. That's the person you give your energy and time and soul to. The rest of them don't matter. You can and WILL out grow your childhood.....your parents......your sibling fights...they don't really last! There is always that one person, and maybe it's not the person you thought it would be....it may not be your wife/husband/partner/lover/boyfriend/girlfriend....that you can turn to when no one else gets you....but find them and hang on to them for all they are worth. That a college education DOES make a difference......that learning to take care of yourself and to only rely on you for your own happiness is the only thing you need to remember. Laugh every day. Be nice to old people...they have already walked the path you are beginning on. No one gets through this life alone. Love like you will never get hurt and give like you have all the money in the world. Don't forget to tell those people in your life you love them.....even if you think they know it.....you never know when you won't have the chance againg to say so.

Time waits for no one. We all get older, we all make choices every single day that effect the next and the next. Live with no regrets and do what makes you happy but doesn't hurt another person.

That's all I have on this random Wednesday night.

Changing by not changing

You know that old saying….everything changes…the only thing certain in life are death and taxes. Every day we are forced to accept change, to be adaptable, to go with the flow, to just do it….well what if I don’t? What if I just say no…what if I refuse to change?

Isn’t the very fact that I’m NOT changing actually a change? I mean really, at some point don’t we have to say NO to the stupidness that others seem to inflict upon our lives and our very beings without our permission? Don’t we get to draw the line in the sand and say uh uh…no way, not gonna happen!?

I’ve had a few days that have felt like I’m on some hidden camera show and people are doing things to purposely make me wonder if I am sane…..if there is a reason I get up and TRY everyday. It’s been those kinds of crazy moments that just make you think there HAS to be a camera on me right now because this just isn’t possible!

A woman sametime messaged me, which is like an email but instant….telling me how I could better do my job. Something, I might add I’ve been doing and doing well for about 2 years now…but she had the audacity to tell me a better way….or what she thought was better…when I told her thank you but I’ve got this…she proceeded to clarify why she thought I should do my job differently. I again reminded her that it was fine, I appreciate her input but I got this….again she comes back, in MORE detail which I promptly replied I am not interested in our opinion but thank you. Oh it doesn’t end there….she then oversteps her boundaries yet again…long story …..but I sent her and email saying this is not YOUR job nor do you have the permission or the RIGHT to do this…she actually called me.

She picked up the phone and called me saying I don’t understand the tone of your email - you capitalized words in the middle of your sentence. I was confused by your tone. I said…has no one ever YELLED at you in email…because that’s the equivalent of me YELLING AT YOU. Do you understand my tone now? Sweet God!

Oh I wish I could make this stuff up! So really, she must be so bored that she randomly decides she can offer her input on how someone else should do their job. My thought is…girl….you want this job? Take it…do it….run with it! Sweet God ….that’s all I can bring myself to say.

So….by not changing I figure I am actually changing…so what self-help book do I find that in?

Taking the time

This last weekend I got to see the results of my hard work over the last year. I have been planning this conference for about a year now from the resort, to the speakers, to the menu, entertainment….all the fine details that go into making a conference work I have been working on. Not 100% alone, I was lucky enough to have the assistance of a good friend who often talked me off the ledge as I began to spin out of control with all the “to-do’s” and a really great Board that did whatever I asked of them.

It was a great turn out too….we had the most attend a fall conference that we’ve had in several years. I’d like to say it was me…but really, it probably was more the timing, the cost or location, possibly the speakers….and maybe a teeny bit me…but it was great. I was very stressed and overwhelmed getting to the point of the conference starting but with the blink of an eye….it’s over. It’s kind of left a gaping hole in my life, time and nights. I spent so many nights working on the little details and checking and double checking my lists that now I’m not even sure what to do with myself!

It’s funny how that happens. We work so hard TOWARDS something and with a blink of the eye it’s over. What do we do with all that energy and guster we’ve mustered up to keep us plugging along? I’m completely exhausted….like I haven’t been in a very long time. I fell asleep on my couch Sunday night at about 7 p.m. and didn’t wake up until about 3 a.m. I probably could have slept that whole Monday away had it now been for the fact that I had to work. I wish I could have spent a little more down time at the actual resort…it was so beautiful and my room was AMAZING and the time with my friend was nice too…it just went by too fast. I feel like I really didn’t get to enjoy it as much as I could have.

The conference was centered around a person getting their “mojo” back…and once you have it, how do you keep it?

I'm trying to practice all the speakers told us, shared with us...but when you get back to your life it gets hard. It gets complicated an oogey. In that atmosphere I can totally get all rah rah and on board with what I have to do but once I get back to my world, my desk, my 409 emails....I lose my guster...my mojo..my higher purpose. I get sucked into the slouched body, the furrowed eyebrows, the desire to reach through the phone and slap people....it all comes flowing back to me like a river. Ahhh, the stress and chaos of everyday life is there waiting for me like an old friend.

In a perfect world I would do what I was told, what makes sense...I would say NO and mean it. I would delegate and be OK with it....I would only do what I can do and go home happy and content that I make a difference....but actually I can't say no...I'm over ruled (it's hard being a peon) I can delegate but I can't trust that it actually get's done...because more often than not it DOESN'T get done unless I'm there to nag it along and it seems that no matter how much I want to walk out the door at a certain time, I'm stopped....I'm trapped.

I GET to do this....day in and day out...I don't HAVE to....I GET to. Yes...that's what I HAVE to remind myself of.

Always thinking ahead

I was having coffee with a friend the other day at a small neighborhood cafe' by Lake Nokomis (my new neighborhood) and two things occurred in such a small minute of time it got me thinking...ahead....to my life possibly in 20 years.

We sat table side outside and tootling down the street came a gentleman in his I would guess early 80's in an electric scooter that was more like a motorized electric wheelchair. Now I'm guessing he can barely walk without assistance, judging from his age and physical statue. He comes tootling down the street as if he were driving a car and smiling at us and just in general really happy and it appeared as if he were totally enjoying his life. Not a care in the world.

Now had this not been a quiet little neighborhood side street, he would have surely met his maker, but it was across the street from a school and in a relatively quiet and calm neighborhood. Not soon after he passed, a sporty little two door topless car came drifting by us. The driver's hair was blowing wild and free, completely untamed and she didn't seem to mind at all that her shoulder length do was wild and unkempt. She too was elderly, I would venture to say mid 60's. She also seemed to be quite happy and enjoying her life...which got me to thinking....where do I see myself at that age? I mean in a mere 20 years I will be 68 - will I have the love of life I saw on these people's faces? Will I have that unabated joy in a sunny day with the wind blowing my hair (no matter the color) all around?

Do we have to plan to be happy? Do we have to wait? Is the life and the stress and the choices we are choosing right now today what we do so that in 20 years we can be carefree and happy?

I wonder, what does it take for us to be "happy"?

Is it money? I know if I had more of it I'd be deliriously happy.....probably ALL the time. Is it love? I know if I were IN love, I'd probably be a person most people couldn't stand to be around. Is it fame? Ahh, we always think those things will make us HAPPY. Why do we choose to wait? Why do we put all these conditions on ourselves and our lives? Why not choose to be happy here and now? You ever meet one of those types....you know the ones that are always super positive and happy no matter what is happening. They always see the glass as half full and they always find the bright spot in everything that happens. Example - My husband left me. Her: Oh that's terrible, but I know there is someone amazing out there just waiting for you! Or I just got fired! Her: Oh dear. You know though, there is a job much more suited to you out there, you will find it! Those people...the Suzie Sunshine's of the world.....ugh.

But there is another type of person too....the one who acknowledges that things SUCK and it's NOT fair and it BLOWS or whatever analogy you want to use to describe the unfairness of life, but....and here's the key, BUT they help you realize that maybe things aren't as bad as you think or feel. Maybe things are just about to change and change for the better. Or maybe it's time to make different choices in your life so this doesn't happen again. And maybe, they are just the type of person to stand by you and hold your hand until things DO get better. Those are the people you want in your life. Not the Pollyanna Prue bread's who tweet out all this positive sunshine no matter the weather..

So.....it's time to find those people and choose that life and surround yourself with people that aid you in being a the best you now so when it comes your time to drive by some people sitting at a coffee shop discussing life, you get to smile with a small knowing smile that life does sometimes just settle into being happy and OK.

You don't know what you don't know

Today was one of those days that are rare. One of those days where it started out one way and ended in such a positive, unexpected way. I had lunch with a friend, a new friend today who has been instrumental in helping me shape my not only my life but my future.

Everything happens for a reason, life ebbs and flows and sometimes we spend so much time trying to figure out WHAT is rather than experiencing and living our lives. So much has gone on in my life in the last few weeks that it's causing me to re-think so much about myself and my life choices. I've never been patient or good at waiting or even giving people space when they need it. I am a 100% in person and when that choice/option gets taken away from me without my permission I kinda freak out. So I need to put my energy someplace else, to shift my focus and hopefully things will settle and get back to what I call "normal" again.....soon.

So my new friend is a refreshing change in my manic life. He's one of those people that has been through life...he's been up and down and re-created himself and is doing what he loves on his own terms. It's something I've always thought about but haven't really ever dared do....or even thought I could do. He's living a true authentic life. Something I think we all dream about but many of us never even actually attempt. He inspires me to reach for that mythical golden ring.....to trust my gut and to move towards what it is I want.

So here's the thing....we never know what it is we don't know...until we suddenly know it. I've been looking for so long for my purpose, my reason, my path, my purpose....it's been here inside me all the time but I've never seen it. I've suddenly got a little glimpse into who I think I want to be or possibly the path I want to be on. This new focus in my life is good but is scary and overwhelming at the same time. I'm a bit nervous to be heading down this new path because in the past when I thought I was headed in a right direction I always seemed to find out way down the path that it just wasn't it. I am not really focusing on that part as much as I am trying to focus on doing this right, and putting my energy and time into something I am feeling good about right now.

I have embarked on this path trying to explore a side of me that has always been there, public presenting and sharing stories and trying to see if that is the avenue for me....and the messages the Universe is sending me is yes.....possibly this is a path I should explore. I've put a few presentations together and actually done three of them so far with four more scheduled over the next few weeks. The amazing thing is my new friend is such a blessing....he has given me so much encouragement and advice and amazing support that I can't even believe I'm lucky enough to have crossed paths with him.

So - who knows, this new path may take me where I want to go or it may just give me some new things to ponder and think about as I travel down this new and interesting path.

Outside forces

Life is a constant moving force to be reckoned with. It comes at us so fast and hard that sometimes we just can't catch our breath. Then one day, one single moment, everything changes....stops. Suddenly all the chaos and hustle and bustle of real life no longer seems like it matters.

It can be an sudden unexpected death of a loved one, a break up, a job loss - any big life alteration that makes you stop and have to face the reality without the excuse of all the other busyness we fill our lives with.

Decisions have to be made fast and furious....and sometimes that's OK. We've created a lifestyle that works for us and we become comfortable with it. We make sure we are booked every minute, that we are constantly moving towards some goal we've set out there for us to reach and then suddenly, without warning, we have to refocus and shift our own lives.

Sometimes life has to slap us in the face before we stop and realize what we have and do isn't what we really want. Just for a little bit I'd like to believe that we are doing the right thing. That we are doing what we need to do for us for a better life for a better future....but we don't always get to control that. Personal issues cause a lot of in-balance in our lives. We constantly have to negotiate the difficult complicated choices we've made for ourselves. All the new experiences we experience come together to lead us off into another direction.

I think we tend to make life so hard on ourselves. We tend to stay in a life that continues to make us unhappy telling ourselves there isn't anything we can do about it. How come we continue to make these choices and then scream at the Universe....WHY ME?

I think it's time we start looking at finding little ways to make these changes without stopping our universes from crashing.

Time flies no matter what you do

You know that old saying...time flies when your having fun. It's true, but it also flies no matter what your doing.

In looking over my own calendar for the next two months, I barely have a day where something isn't written in for each day. Either meetings, phone calls, working, working my pt job, presenting, making chapter visits....my days are flying by. I barely have time to even do the fun little things I love like time with friends or family.

I realized with great sadness, that it's been months since I've seen some of my nieces and nephews. Not counting the ones out of state, I'm talking about the ones right here near me. Life is moving at such a whirl wind pace that I can't even find time to enjoy life.

Makes me wonder, why am I on this treadmill on constant activity? What am I racing to...or better yet, running from? What makes me constantly have to be somewhere or to be doing something? How much is too much?

When we begin to look at our lives in terms of time, it seems out of control. If we look at it in terms of what am I doing to effect (or is it affect??) the greater good, things that will leave their mark even after I'm gone - it's a different story. There is value in building relationships that last lifetimes...there is value in helping others see the good and amazing opportunities available to them....they all have purpose and meaning but lately I'm feeling lost in the maze that has become my life.

I jokingly ask why I am even paying rent. I virtually am home long enough to shower, do some laundry and then go to bed. I could live in a tiny little one room place and be quite content. Why didn't I actually consider that when I moved? Why did I think I needed all this space and stuff? Why do we constantly strive for things that don't really make us....us?

No matter what you do, time moves on. Children get older, friends find new friends and forget about partners....they just feel left behind. Unless they are running at the same pace, it just doesn't work. I realize balance is the key....I know that I can and should say NO to somethings but for right now, I have made a commitment that for the next year will keep me running at a fast pace. I need some other parts of my life to settle down or keep up...otherwise I'm going to lose control.

Like a car that just keeps going, you have to do some maintenance as well...so I am trying to find that balance, trying to be as creative with my time and meetings as possible. Trying to combine some fun with the frenzy so at the end of the day I can feel like it all matter....it does...just not in a real measurable way.

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming.......

Getting lost to get found

Sometimes we have to lose to win, get lost to get found. Make any sense to you? Cause it didn't to me until I started really thinking about it. Sometimes when we force ourselves to THINK about things we either muddle things up even more or create these situations that will never really actually come about and we end up so disappointed.

I've begun to realize the older I get how much time we waste hoping things will change, waiting for things to change....working in baby steps towards making things change but really, we don't have any control other than our own voice and our own choices. I recently was talking with a friend who was trying to make a plan for 5/6 months from now. We talked through different scenarios and laid out the plans, including all the "what if's" and the "maybe's" but still, we could really only talk it out. I began to realize with utter fear and frustration, that you can't really plan on anything.


I heard this speaker today going on and on about the choices we make in our lives. How we can't keep waiting for the WHAT IF'S or the MAYBE'S to happen. That each day is a choice and we are not promised tomorrow. He said "live each day as if it's last and eventually you are going to be right". That's really all we can depend on...the final result. He also talked about not settling...not giving into what is and to keep striving and working towards what it is you think you really want. If you don't know what that is keep fighting for it, keep looking. He talked about living each day to the best of your ability and if you find yourself waking up dreading what it is you are about to go give 8/10 hours of your life to then it's time to think about making a change. Made me really think and realize life is way to short to not enjoy it.

Why do we stay with people we aren't excited to be with, go to jobs that bring us no joy, do things we dread? I have to honestly stop and ask myself this question pretty hard.

Then I heard this story that I thought was pretty cool:

A six-old girl was at a drawing lesson, sitting at the back of the room because she rarely paid attention. However, on this particular day the little girl was very engaged. The teacher was interested in why the little girl was so engaged, so she went over to her and asked, “What are you drawing?” The girl said, “I’m drawing a picture of God.” The teacher replied, “But nobody knows what God looks like.” To which the little girl said very matter-of-factly, “They will in a minute.”

So what does your future look like?

Learn to become who you are

Some days it's really easy to be me. I wake up with a zest for my own life and I begin my day looking forward to all the new adventures that will come my way. Then there are those days that I can barely open my eyes and my soul seems closed off to anything and everything new that might come my way. Sometimes those days turn into weeks....and I find myself questioning who I have become. Who I have chosen to be, who I continue to work towards becoming.

I grew up the oldest girl and therefore had responsibilities thrust upon me before I could really understand what it meant. I grew up always taking care of someone else. Making sure my sisters got their homework done, the dishes were done, people were fed, no fighting, the house was picked up...to technically I was a housewife since about age 8. I remember one time when I was about 12 or 13 years old I was sitting with my mom in our living room and when my dad came home, he asked me what was for dinner. He specifically addressed me and asked me what was for dinner....I remember thinking that was cool...I loved that. I felt in charge and kind of like a big deal. Looking back on it however, it kind of blows.

I learned early on in life to take care of other people. To put their needs, wants and desires first and that's not a bad thing, but it kind of leaves me in a weird place now as a single adult. I no longer have anyone to do that for. For about 12 years I was an assistant of some type, I was always the go to, knowledgeable person and that worked for me. Within the last year and half to two years, I've become more of a solitary worker bee. I mostly have no interaction with other humans, I write and edit and stare at a computer screen or scour the Internet for data. Who have I chosen to become?

We make the choice to be who we are by the actions we do each and everyday. I'm a little worried I've chosen a path that isn't who I really am. Can you go back and re-trace your steps and by doing something as simple as making different choices, ultimately change your path?

Worth a try.

Sky's the limit - full of possibilites

There's nothing like change to make you appreciate what you had....have. There's nothing like change to snap you into waking up to all the possibilities life hands us everyday.

How do you know you won't like brussel sprouts if you actually never taste one? What if, by just trying one, you open yourself up to endless possibilities you didn't even know existed until you ate a brussel sprout. Now grant it, a brussel sprout can't change the world, but it can make a difference.

I was in Montreal, Canada last week, and despite my bum knee, I managed to hobble around enough to see some amazing sites. Some places I will probably never get back to in my life....so I took full advantage of the little bit of free time I did have. It was awesome. I would like to go back and see more but I'm thankful I had some time to see what I did. On the way there I was so focused on the week, the conference, my wardrobe for the week. So concentrating on where I had to be and when and how I was going to get there and would I get lost and would I know anyone and....and...and....I was so focused that I didn't realize we had hit turbulence outside the normal amount of turbulence. I mean I've flown a number of times and had the occasional bumpy ride, I even landed once in a thunderstorm. That scared the daylights out of me because a plane is a giant piece of metal and it felt like we were flying INTO the lightening. But this particular turbulence was different...it was super shaky....and we were in a smaller plane than I'm used too....two seats on each side....so we were shaking around pretty good. I didn't get worried until we did one of those drops....you know the kind where you sort of pop out of your seat and for one split second you are seat buckled in but yet you pop out of your seat. A collective gasp arose from the plane that made me so scared I thought I was going to pee.

When an entire plane gasps out loud....I think that's time to worry. I had a window seat and all I could see was white puffy clouds...I was praying to God (or whomever) that the pilot could see something more than me....the plane continued to shake about quite a bit and I couldn't help but cry. A tear ran down my cheek and the woman next to me, a complete stranger, offered me her hand and told me to just breathe.....it was the scariest few moments of my life. It literally only lasted a few minutes but it scared me. I began thinking after that....life is too short to be so focused and skipping the moment we are in. It was like the Universe was slapping me in the face saying STOP WORRYING ABOUT THE NEXT MOMENT AND THE NEXT MOMENT. FOCUS ON WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW!

So I did...I focused on breathing and holding a complete strangers hand.

The sky's the limit....each and every day we have the opportunity to find new possibilities, new challenges, new roads to explore. How we choose to spend that time and that day is entirely up to us. We can be so focused on the next thing and the next thing and the next or we can try to see what each day and each moment offers us in terms of possibilities.

I've said it before, I'll say it again...it's hard to be an adult!

Looks good on paper

I have the worst time sleeping. It's been this way for awhile now. My mind usually crashes and burns about 11 p.m. and I sort of shut down...but what happens is I usually fall asleep pretty quickly and soundly but only for a few short hours. Apparently that's all my body/mind (not my soul!) needs to recharge and restart again. I wake up anywhere from 2 to 4 a.m. and I don't just wake up I WAKE UP totally and completely. It's pretty rare that I sleep past 5 a.m., even on weekends. What happens is I start thinking and I start processing and I start trying to get everything in it's place for the day and I can't make it stop. It's like I keep making these mental lists that just don't stop...the list grows and grows and sometimes I check things off but mostly I'm just adding and adding until I can't see straight.

The problem with the lists is I keep making them and I keep thinking about them and sometimes I get some stuff done but then so much more creeps up on on the new mental list that it keeps growing and morphing and changing and then I have to go to work and then my other job and then grocery shopping and then a meeting and then home and clean and cook and...and....and......then I'm so tired that I never actually get AT my lists and they nag and nag at me mentally until I can't take it anymore. It's kind of a vicious circle.

So....it was suggested that I start to create lists...physically write down all this "stuff". Have separate lists for all my thoughts...a work one, a personal one and so on and so on. A list for each segment of my life and I should physically write down and then ultimately cross off things as they come to me. The very act of doing this may help me actually get things off my mind and let me feel organized enough to do what it is I need to do.

So I started today.......I sat and made list upon list upon list and just kept adding and adding until I couldn't think any longer of one more thing to add to any of my sections. I'm not going to lie, the very act of writing down everything I need to do completely overwhelmed me at first. I was a little startled and overwhelmed with the amount of items on my lists. It doesn't help that July is kind of a crazy unusually busy month for me, but still...this explains a lot about why I can't get my mind to stop and slow down enough to settle and sleep. Plus being wounded and not being able to do my normal activities without pain is wearing on a girl. Still...making the list made me feel better overall and I have to say, on paper....I look pretty good and organized and kind of on top of things...but the reality is it feels a bit overwhelming in person and on my very soul.

So the next task it to take a few items every day off my list, to do a few things everyday that allow me to feel like I am moving TOWARDS something and not just sitting in place spinning my wheels. Easier said than done I know but it's worth a try. So perhaps sleep will come easier which will make the rest of all the thoughts cycling through my head settle into place and everyone can learn to live happily ever after. Now the trick is....how to I find the time to get at these items without staying up super late or getting up uber early. There has to be a balance. Oh one issues certainly feeds into another....one step at a time I guess...one step at a time. For now - the lists......

I can't shake this feeling

Something in my very being is telling me...no actually it's kind of shouting at me that something isn't right. That something just doesn't work...doesn't fit...isn't right. You ever have that feeling? It's like when you come home and you have this weird feeling that something is different, off, not normal...and you find that at some point during the day when you weren't home, a water leak happened above you and your bathroom is filled with about 2" of standing water. That weird, odd errie out of sorts feeling that something just isn't right is usually right.

Someone once tole me that we all create these pictures in our head, these images of how we perceive our own lives to be.....how we want them to be, how we plan and play it out in our brain. Maybe it's our subconscious or maybe it's a form of deep denial, but we hold onto these images of this life we've created in our head and we do everything in our power to work towards it, to have that life, that stuff, that person, that home or whatever it is we have convinced ourselves we need and that is the only way we can be content. That then, and only then, will we be happy. That when we reach that ever elusive perfect place in the world we have created in our heads, we can be truly happy...right? But what happens when that doesn't happen? How much to you constantly have to give up, give away, suck up before we change that picture? How many times do we have to tell ourselves "it's not that big of a deal...it doesn't' really matter...everything is fine, I don't mind". But the reality is - that's not the reality. I'm not saying we shouldn't have goals or dreams of a better life, but there's a fine line between reality and what we get.

"Let go. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen." If only it were that easy. Wouldn't that be magical if we could just do that! I know somethings not right, somethings not fitting but I can't quite tell what it is. Life is about growth and change and momentum and the ability we have as humans to constantly be learning and changing and seeking new opportunities...but at what point does it become...for lack of a better word...pointless? I know, most people would say as long as you are here and breathing it's not pointless...but really.....when do you stop and accept what is right in front of you and learn to be happy and content with what you have, where you are and who you have crafted yourself out to be? When does this "feeling" ever go away? And should it?

Is it the perfect job? House? Spouse? Child? Friends? What is the answer? Is it a combination, an additional thing....what is this elusive IT that makes things just feel right and good and dare I say "normal"? And do we really ever get it? I've been down so many paths in my life in search of this unknown, unseen thing....I keep thinking it's down this path...no wait...it's over here, wait - whoops, nope....wrong again...it must actually be over here. It's exhausting. It's soul sucking and exhausting to be constantly searching for something that quite possibly doesn't exist.

So...that just leaves the inevitable questions....what now? How do you quiet your soul enough to settle into the perfectly content, happy little life it has created and make it be OK? How do you get the core of who you are to accept and be content in the life it has? Or is it a constant battle and really the only actual answer is not to be found.

Ahhh, the question without answers has surfaced yet again.

Get outside your bubble

Life moves at warp speed, no one is going to deny that. Sometimes it's just easier to keep doing the same old things.

You wake up, you shower, you comb your hair, you pray you have coffee in the cabinet and you trudge into work. You know...routine, common place, the same stuff...different days...but then you dare to do one little thing different and suddenly it's like your in an episode of The Mary Tyler Moore show and you feel like you ARE going to make it after all!!

I am a social person. I know many will be shocked by this statement, but it's true. I like to talk, to eat, to drink, to not be sitting at home watching the world pass me by. I've often held 2 if not 3 jobs to not only help ensure I'm out and about, but to have that extra play money to do the things I love to do. Recently, however, my body has started to rebel against me and I've had to scale things back quite a bit and frankly - I'm not happy about it!

I had foot surgery in March that took me down for a good month. I had to stop, sit, and heal. It's not quite 100% yet but I can no longer wait....so....I move on. Then on Memorial Day weekend, I decided I am invincible and 12 years old...so I had some fun on the trampoline. Now before you roll your eyes, you must know....it seemed really safe....and like a really good idea at the time...I seized the moment! I mean, it was in IN ground trampoline...it's flush with the ground so not only did I NOT have to haul my but UP into it, I couldn't fall OFF of it. What I didn't anticipate however, was the slipping potential. Yes...since it was an in ground tramp, the water factor that pools up UNDER it never crossed my mind. So just as I was stepping off, I slipped. I slipped good too! My leg went one way, my body the other and well....the rest is history. Tore, no wait, completely shredded my ALC in my left knee (mind you, the foot surgery was on my right foot) sprained another ligament and bruised my bone. Now as if that isn't painful enough, I am sporting a killer knee brace that makes me look like Forest Gump until I have surgery on Aug. 3.

Living in the moment can have consequences. What are the options though....sit at home watching the world go by or going out, playing hard, getting hurt and living with the shame, I mean consequences? I guess I say go big or go home!

So....this has taken me back a bit...kind of kept me from my normal running around, since I'm in pain almost all the time (still worth it!) and I'm kinda slow (slower than I normally am) I am not really an asset to my normal posse. Not that anyone is kicking me to the curb, but I'm definitely a damper to most situations. So I need to find some new opportunities to expand my "bubble".

I need activity so I decided to do something recently I don't normally do...I took risks...I stepped outside my bubble for just a bit and I have to say, it's been kind of refreshing. I've met some great new people, not to say my regular people aren't enough, but more is always better. I've learned some new things and I've started to think about my life and things a little differently. It's like it's your same space, you've just changed the paint color.

So....here is my challenge to you....do one thing differently this week. Make one change in your routine. Meet one new person for coffee or drinks or dinner. Step outside your own bubble and tell me that doesn't make the rest seem OK.

It's summer....time for fun!

Making lemonade

You know the old saying...."when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" ...I want to know where it says then add ice, vodka and shake like hell.

Life moves and changes so fast. Mostly it's completely out of our control. Just for one day, however, I'd like to have a little control. I'd like to have a button for pause, rewind or even erase. It seems the older I get, the harder it gets to get through a day unscathed by so much. Tornado's are raving our countryside, people are getting sick and dying everyday, relationships start and end in the blink of an eye and somehow the days keep on keeping on but with a few new additions. We take vacations to get away from our lives and to recharge and restore our soul. It's kind of a band aide for life but it helps get us through the tougher times.

I recently lost my dad, he was 71 years old. I didn't have the best relationship with him and even though over the years we tried to make amends, it never really happened. I waited too long...or he was too stubborn....whatever the case, it will always remain an unresolved issue within me. I can't change how it ended, I can't really change what was....all I can do is deal with what is now and try to move forward with that.

These moments that come unexpectedly can change our lives forever. They can alter our thinking and perspective on what is really important. We start to value our own time and lives a little bit more. Is it worth fighting over some of the little things in life or do we save that anger and frustration for the bigger moments? What is worth us getting upset over?

Now my mom is in the hospital. She is also 71. She has COPD - a degenerative lung disease that will eventually kill her. It's hard to watch her struggle so much day to day just to breath. Its a little hard to stop our lives and take time out to go sit with her at the hospital...no one likes to be in a hospital much less go to visit anyone there but it's so hard because there is absolutely nothing we can do. All we can do is wait and hope the medicine clears up the fluid in her lungs that doesn't allow her to breath well and wait...eventually there won't be a time the medicine will work...it's kind of surreal to know that and every time we wonder...is it now?

The reality is we all die. We are born knowing this and yes it's sad and yes it's hard but it's the circle of life. It's how we deal with it and allow our connections to those in our lives to treat us that really matters. We can choose that right now while they are still with us. We can choose to make things end differently for ourselves....that's what we have control over.

So yes, life continues to throw us lemons and we can squeeze as hard and fast as we can but there's always going to be lemonade...do we drink it or not?

Putting things in there place

I need a place to put things…inside my brain. My work me has a place, the fun me has a place, the crazy irrational me even has a place. When so much comes at a person so fast and its new stuff that doesn’t have a place…..I need a place. It’s hard to know where to put all those new voices that creep into our heads.

Everyone has them, those little voices that sound a lot like you. They sit in your head and talks away trying to get you to listen. The boring pop-psych word for them is Internal Monologue.

For a lot of people, the internal monologue is nothing but negative self-talk. You know, “I’m awful. I’m worthless. I’m ugly. I suck at this. I’m a fraud. No one will ever love me.” The problem is that this internal monologue has an annoying habit of affecting your external life and there really isn’t a place for it.

It’s these things that stop us in our tracks and keep us in our place not allowing us to venture out and try any new path or things. They are afraid of trying anything new because they have this voice in the back of their head telling them they’re not worthy of awesomeness. I’m telling you right now, you are totally awesome. You can do awesome things. And you have the right to stop listening to negative self-talk.

You have the right, honor, and duty to tell that voice to SHUT UP! It’s hard, I know because I’ve been there. Heck sometimes live there. If truth be told, I think I own a time-share in there. I still find my inner monologue taking a field trip back to Worthlessville from time to time.

When I realize that’s what’s happening, I imagine that little negative voice as a very small figurine. I mentally pick that very small figurine up by the scruff of the neck between my index finger and thumb, and I throw it through the mental wood chipper.

Because no one is going to stop me from being awesome.

Not even myself.

Brick Walls

The brick walls are not there to keep us out; they are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Having spent 4 weeks housebound gave me the opportunity (not really a choice) to spend sometime IN my head and thus begin to clear some of the cobwebs both externally and eventually internally.

I started with my car. I cleared the clutter, all the stuff that was just there to make my time in the car sort of feel like my home....because I do spend so much time IN my car going places I thought that was important....it felt like it was. Looking at it again, I don't know that honestly I could say that was the truth, but what matters now is that it was time to clear the clutter. I spent about 4 hours on a beautiful Saturday afternoon cleaning my car like I don't think I ever have. I washed the windows, the doors. I purchased a steering wheel cover, bought new floor mats and even cleaned the seats...trying to erase the 4 year old coffee stains on the passenger car seat. Mostly it looks nice and clean and dare I say.....respectful. Gone are all the homies I had on almost any flat surface, all the doo dads on the ceiling and hanging from the rear view mirror. There is one button left that has my personality and flair but mostly, it's a car anyone would sit in and own. It's like a giant reset button was applied to Fernando (that's his name).My 2003 Ford Focus with 108,000 miles on it has a new lease on life......for now.

Next came the biggest, harder part....my space. I sat staring at those walls of stuff for weeks on end....and came to the conclusion that mostly it was just that...stuff. Stuff cluttering my my space and my vision and ultimately me. So I started a very intense tossing of my stuff. I got a grocery cart from the garage and ruthlessly went through my space. I was actually amazed as I starting picking up things that I couldn't remember the reason why I had them in the first place. What was their purpose? What was the meaning of it all? Upon further thinking and analyzing my process, I decided I tried to create a life for everyone else. I've built my space and my environment so others would like it....I thought if I build it....they will come...

Well I did build it....I built it well and you know what....no one came. Not to say people didn't come over to my house now and then, but really....no one came...no one came and decided it was so amazing that they had to stay....that they had to be a part of it all. Frankly, it probably scared off more than it attracted. One person recently said to me "Your house is like coming into a really cute shop. There's just so much to look at." I know what she was saying, I thought that too but I always thought it's what I wanted....what I needed to be happy and content in my life...but it wasn't....it isn't. It was just another way of cluttering my my exterior to distract I'm guessing from the interior. Ahh, it's so complicated yet so very clear.

When asked "who are you?" we usually give an account of our external circumstances, our name, likes or dislikes, nationality, age, interests, yet it is almost impossible for us to touch on our inner core, what makes us be who we truly are. I recently re-watched the movie Citizen Kane and it really got me thinking....thinking about who we are, what we have and what we choose to fill our lives up with. The movies is a search for Kane's true self that gets pieced together like a jigsaw puzzle through years of memories and stories told by Kane's friends, enemies and lovers and it all revolves around his one dying word: "Rosebud". It's funny, in these times we expect "Rosebud" to mean something huge, or to unearth some deep dying amazing secret and then to feel a little underwhelmed or even cheated when "Rosebud" is finally revealed at the end. The whole point of the film is that it is not a surprise "twist" ending nor does it really reveal anything new or surprising about Kane himself, it is just simply a moment in time, a memory of his that meant something deeply personal and entrusting to who is was and ultimately what he didn't have. That is what life is about, what a person searches for, a series of moments where choices are made and our character is formed, where eternity and time touch and we either become or refuse to be who we truly are. The mystery of a person revolves around his or her capacity for love, both for receiving it but more importantly for giving it. The ending line in the movie said by the main characters best friend sums it up:

That's all he ever wanted out of life... was love. That's the tragedy of Charles Foster Kane. You see, he just didn't have any to give.

Makes me wonder...makes me think....with all this stuff cluttering up my space, what do I have to give? What do I have to get? Learning to let the walls crumble and fall is the first step to having the life we want now instead of waiting for someone else to complete it.

Where we want to be

I have been having terrible sleep issues lately......I can be completely exhausted and fall right asleep but I tend to wake up between 2 and 3 am and can not go back to sleep to save my life. I try meditating, counting sheep, imagining I'm laying on a beach listening to the ocean but still mind races with all the conditions and issues that I struggle with at every waking moment. If there was only a reboot switch for our minds.

I had this talk with a friend of mine recently stating that I really just want one piece of my life to be in the positive....I want one part to be where I need it to be....I can't really deal with having to fight every single part of my life...but I think to make it work you have to be willing to take a risk.

My father used to say nobody is going to come knocking on your door to hand you anything.....so I guess it comes down to what are you willing to do to get it? That goes for all parts of our life...what are we willing to give to get? We give up time with family and friends to get an education, we give up time with friends and family to start a relationship, we even give that up when we have children and then ultimately find the perfect job. It seems we are always giving up to get....but what if what you have isn't what you want.....can you give back to get back to where you were and start again?

At work we have to do these performance reviews that almost always go fine for me but along with that we have to complete this form talking about our development and to ultimately help us uncover our "sweet spot", the place where it all comes together and we are really happy on all levels of our job. I've always sort of just done this to do it and call it done, never really put much effort into it until last year. Last year I sat with my boss and honestly filled out the form and put a lot of effort and work into finding my sweet spot. I thought I had been moving towards it but lately I'm not feeling it. In doing this AGAIN this year, I decided to start over, not use my same form from the past years, I decided to really put some effort into it. As I was completing it, I couldn't help think.....where is this form for my life....for my personal life.

Where is my sweet spot in life? Not just in my job, but in my life? What do I want from my life, from my waking moments? Do we not want to be balanced and happy in personal life? If your life is a constant struggle how do find ways to improve it. What are your three strengths in your own life? What would your family or friends say are your strengths if they had to "grade" you? What three things do you want to focus on to change or improve and how will you do it?

Is it time we laid out a life plan to get to where we want to be? Is it ever too late to find you way on your own life path?

Words unspoken

I saw a quote today that said "drunken words spoken are sober truths untold." We get brave enough to say things out loud when we have a little drunken courage. We some how muster up the strength to say things we wouldn't normally say. It's too bad we choose that time to say what's inside us because it can often get muddled.

Sometimes we can't stop once we start...we say more than we mean to and there is no going back once those words pass through your mouth. You can't take back words. Words have power, they can make you feel so differently about things in a matter of seconds. And once you spewed out the words you then must deal with everything else. In a matter of minutes everything changes.

Dealing with the reality of your words requires you to put on your big girl pants and deal with it. You can't expect to say things, to put it all out in the light of day without some sort of reaction, from a person, the Universe or something. You have to be willing to own your words. I think it's important to be honest and to say what you need to. It's also a huge risk ...... to lay it all on the line and to be open and honest really makes a person feel venerable. By saying what you hold deep inside, you risk everything.

I am not normally one who is afraid to say things out loud...but I do hold back saying things unless I'm sure...I'm certain, I'm 100% I know how things will end. I'm not good at putting myself out there unless I know how it will end. Maybe not end but end up. I think about all those movies where the person risks everything to tell someone they are madly in love with them. They pour out their hearts out to that one person and it goes one of two ways....they melt into each others arms and they live happily ever after or they end up alone and broken hearted.

Do we risk that what we fear most in the hopes of the happily ever after? Is there something to keeping those words unspoken?

Thinking for one

I've always thought of myself as a very independent person. Most of my life I've pretty much had to do things on my own, for myself, not really having someone else to count on or to rely on or to trust will be there whenever I need them....so it always surprises me when this part of me creeps into my world.

Being stuck at home and having to rely on others to get me places has really made me think a little differently about my life. If this is a snapshot of what's to come in my life am I better off just keeping my life as it is or do I just find that someone to join my life so I'm not alone, so I have that other presence/person to rely on? Does it really matter? Do I really need to have that or do I just suck it up and try to learn what it is that I'm suppose to be learning from this whole new way of life I'm forced to live right now?

Seems like the Universe does things for a reason, so there must be a reason I'm going through all this thinking and processing while I'm house bound. What lessons do I need to learn? I realize how very lucky I am that I do have some amazing friends and people in my life that come into my world when I need them. I am very lucky and grateful for that...but somehow there is still this void, this hole, this empty spot that doesn't ever seem to get filled up. I don't know what it will take to fill it but it remains there loud and clear telling me at every moment it can that it's still there and vacant and still waiting to be filled.


Sometimes it's louder than normal and forces me to acknowledge it...other times it's like a low chirping in the background just there but not really THERE. It feels like sometimes we are pushing boulders up a hill....we work and sweat and struggle to get them all at the top only to push them down to watch them easily roll down to the bottom and then, up the hill again we go....why not just leave them there? Why do I think I have to keep rolling them up the hill?

Sometimes I think we make life so much harder that it has to be. That we become our own worst enemies and we put up all these road blocks and conditions to our own happiness. We must learn to become our own supporters. We spend so much time building up walls and we keep doing that until we meet that one person who can finally either climb over the walls or bust through them enough to let us know they are there. Is that what we really want?

Being housebound has me doing a lot more thinking of myself and my life as it is...not as I want it to be or hope it would be but as it IS. It's a little humbling to see things as they are right now and not wonder is this good enough? Is there room for more? Do I need more?

Thinking for one....your table is ready.

Separated but connected

Sometimes I feel so disconnected from everything around me. I am in the midst of a crowd, I am engaged, talking, moving, but in one blink of an eye I suddenly feel completely alone and disconnected from where I am. This confuses me greatly.

For instance, I arrive late to my team meeting that consists of about 15 people. I am slightly late so I am sort of banished to the back of the room in what I call the "time out" chair. There is no room in at the main table for me, nor is there a chair. There is however, 6/8 chairs that sit alone with a little table top and I sit in it feeling giant in a tiny chair and at the same time small and invisible as I sit at the back of the space staring blindly at the table full of people that seem fully engaged.

I could scoot right up to the table and force myself into this group, I've done that, but something sits in my gut that is just letting me feel the separation and the gap in my connection. Is it because I need to learn a lesson? Is it that I have to force myself to re-think or engage differently? Maybe....or maybe it's just my time to try to figure out what it really means?

I've often felt alone in a crowd....like I am here but not really HERE. I have discussed this several times with trained professionals, friends and random strangers....the conclusion is always the same...figure out what's missing. Learning to be present in our own lives is hard.

A friend of mine recently said to me "you always are living in the past or the future and you forget to live in the present." That's true, I can't deny it. But I'm not sure how to change that. There are many things I liked about my past that I wish I could keep, could hold on to, could continue to have but clearly the Universe has decided it's not to be because things have moved past that point. Then I plan for the future...I look ahead, I try to work with purpose and determination towards where I want to go, who I want to be, what I want to have...but then it makes me forget the present, the here and now.

I am focused now on my upcoming vacation. Everything I am doing in the next few weeks is around the fact that I will be gone for a week. So every meeting, every social event, every work schedule is based around when I won't be here....the future. So my present is muddled by my future. I can't really do much about the past except miss it..or laugh at it...or be glad it's just that - my past and hope I don't make the same mistakes moving forward...so again....the future. I try not to dwell on the past as I move ahead but how do you find the balance between the then and the now?

I remember as a kid, we always looked forward to things like spring break, or Christmas break, or anytime we were away from school...then when we were off we looked ahead, with some sort of dread, at the time we had to go back. No one really teaches us how to live in the moment. To be in this very place and time with purpose and conviction. As a matter of fact it's exhausting my brain right this very minute as I try to contemplate how exactly to do that.

How can I be where I am when I am always planning where I need to be? Good question isn't it. How can I remain separated from planning and learning to live?

Learning to let go

The older we get, the more set in our own ways and habits we become. If find I am less willing to change things, habits, routines, work processes as I get older. I mean, it's worked fine this long, why spend all the energy and time on changing it...right? It's hard to let things go. I can't seem to get on that path of letting things go...I hang on to them like a dog and a ratty old bone.

Recently my job has me re-evaluating this thought. I personally have always taken pride and ownership of the work I do. I want it to be the best it can be, I work hard to be sure it's right, to be as error free as possible, to feel proud of what I've done. My thought is I'd like to be able to look back at the end of my day and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride over what I've just spent the last 8/10/12 hours of my life doing...but lately it seems like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. That what I do doesn't really matter......and that's kind of hard. I have to let it go.

Currently my position is as assistant editor of our internal intranet. I edit other people's work and I am also responsible for some new and hopefully EXCITING content from time to time. Occasionally I am asked to write something new and other times I am asked to write a recap article on an event that has taken place.

Recently there was a one hour meeting where some key leaders shared their thoughts and opinions on the external marketplace and how it affects our business. I was charged with writing a recap article on this event keeping it to about 300 words for the leaders providing links to the documentation and back up materials and another, higher level overview, for the general masses that were not at the meeting. It was a challenge and I spent probably about 5 hours on the 300 word recap article as I had to listen to the audio playback 3 times trying to capture the key points and quotes....then another few hours expanding that for the general masses. Within a few hours the two articles came back to me COMPLETELY different from where I even started. I questioned why I was even writing them in the beginning but then after all that time and energy put into them to have them come back as these new forms was kind of.....disturbing.

It's not that I care it's not really my words...I'm not really that invested in that piece of it...it's just so disappointing to me that I seem to spend endless hours doing this work that ultimately means absolutely nothing. I don't feel like I am contributing or creating anything that really means anything. I guess I don't feel like I'm making any kind of input or adding value in any way and it's kind of frustrating to me. I mean, I should just let things go....just do what is asked of me, stop questioning, stop trying harder, stop wanting it to be something more than what it really is.

I think that's an over arching feeling/message in every part of my life right now. Both personally and professionally I feel like I'm not really adding any value to the bigger picture. I feel like a gerbil on a wheel...I just keep running and running and running and yet I'm always in the same place. It's funny how something like a recap article can stir up this deep thinking.

How do you come to terms with the life you ultimately have in front of you? How do you just keep on keeping on doing this process day after day after day when you don't find the value in it? How do you let go and learn to just keep going?

Trusting your dreams

I dream is a wish your heart makes.

If that's true, I got some problems! I have been having the weirdest dreams lately and I'm trying like heck to figure out their meaning. I don't always remember all the details but I know they have been crazy lately because I remember when I wake up immediately how weird I think they are and soon the details fade but the knowledge that they were weird or the unknown meaning behind them lingers on.

I sometimes have dreams I am on amazing adventures, place or people I will never really be with and other times, they are filled with people from my past I've even forgotten about until they suddenly re-materialize in my dreams. Weird.

Last night may have been the biggest puzzler for me. I dreamed I worked at a magazine as a writer, not such a stretch because I am kind of a writer now...., well more of a in between editor/writer/fact finder, anyway, I was a writer at this magazine and we were at a staff meeting all sitting around the table and the people were people I haven't thought about, seen or even remembered until they were sitting there in my dream. I remember being so confused thinking what in the heck they were doing there but everyone seemed to belong....we all seemed to have worked together for a long time and we were all working on the same sort of end goal. I just remember not being able to really focus or do what I needed to do. So I goggled it.....

To see people you know in your dream, signifies qualities and feelings of them that you desire for yourself. If these people are from your past, then the dream refers to your shadow and other unacknowledged aspects of yourself.

It may represent a waking situation that is bringing out similar feelings from your past relationships. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on. Work-related dreams can also often be linked to stress at work.

So....it appears there is a meaning behind it. Apparently I am in need of the traits they have in myself...I can see that. I can appreciate that. Even though they may not have been my favorite people, from a work standpoint I can accept that. Also it's telling me that what is happening now is similar or is bringing up the same feelings I had at the time I worked with those other people.

Our minds are a very interesting place. I just need to lean back and trust they will catch me.

Thinking is hard

Sometimes just slowing down and focusing on thinking BEFORE doing or reacting is way harder than the actual act. My mom always used to say "think before you speak" - never really understood the value in that as a child but as an adult, I kinda get it. As an adult, well a person old enough to BE an adult, I kinda get it.

The very act of thinking about things before they actually happen is exhausting. In your mind you can play through every single scenario before it actually happens and think about or craft together a response...even though that probably won't really be how it ends up...it's like a dress rehearsal. You can plan for everything before but when the moment actually comes, your real "at-that-moment" feelings and emotions will come into play and it won't go down as you have planned but it's kind of exhausting to keep trying it.

I read my horoscope for the year from some website I found while surfing, it said to prepare for this year because my planets are going to align like never before and I should be prepared to accept what it is I said I'm ready for.

In one way I find it highly exhilarating to think that all I've been thinking about and hoping for and wanting is finally going to be MY time to grab it and on the other hand, am I ready? According to the stars, things are going to align like never before thanks to Venus moving someplace in the system that will apparently open some astrological doors for me and that will in turn make my life, my love life and my career start moving in forward directions as never before.

I'd like to say I'm ready, but that tiny part of me that loves to say NO is trying to be heard...actually shouting at me but I keep trying to push it away. I'm ready....I'm ready for things to be propelled in a forward motion, come what may. After all, how bad can it really be?