Time is not on my side

It's amazing how fast the days fly by and suddenly you realize it's been almost a week since you've done your normal routine like things. I get up, get dressed, come to work, blog, work, go home, work or do homework and then do it all over again. I had Friday and Monday off and even though I enjoyed the time, it was busy. I worked at my second job pretty much the whole time. You got to give a little to get a little.

If you change one little thing like taking a day off and spending it in front of your computer our out lunching with friends you get all out of whack. Crazy.

There has been something in the air lately...at least for me. I have taken some weird shift in my own life that I hadn't really seen coming. Do we ever see shifts coming? Maybe not. All of a sudden, I just sort of realized last week that something is off. Something has shifted and I can't really seem to "name" it. It's this odd kind of unsettledness that I don't think I've ever felt before. I was out to dinner with some friends the other night trying to explain it but words seem to fail me. It's something deeper than words.

I know it's been a year like I've never had before. I've done lots of new things and gone down paths I haven't been down in years and had my heart kinda trampled on but still...something is not right. Something just doesn't click. I am almost done with school, my family is ....well my family, work is crazy busy and I can't stop having feelings for someone that absolutely doesn't even consider me a blip on the radar, I try but I can't seem to make them go away. It's in my soul. I have used this quote before but I have to keep telling myself this over and over: Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option. It's a powerful statement yet my head hears it loud and clear....my heart and soul - not so much.

I spent the day on Monday with a friend and what I like about her is she understands me. She doesn't judge me, she doesn't tell me what to do, she just accepts me. I love that. She is going through some stuff of her own too so we are able to lean on each other without worry. She is a wise soul too...she is on her own path of self discovery and it's nice to hear her progress, it gives me hope that we all eventually get there....we get to where we are suppose to be at some point. We sat by the water for a bit which always makes me feel better. Being by the water is soothing, calming. I always feel better after some time by the water. I wish I lived on a lake or the ocean, I can only imagine how much calmer I might feel.

My friend brought up this good point about how much we craft our own life around a "someday" moment. How we make decisions today based on what MIGHT "someday" happen. We do things we may not really want to do because the thought of how that will fit into our "someday" moment. We buy a house with an extra room with the thought that "someday" someone will be in that room, we wear certain things or do things we may not really want to do because "someday" that will be important. We can't live in a "someday" moment....figuring out who we are and what we want is hard.

I hate being alone right now....in my house, at work, anywhere. It's not like I'm scared or feel unsafe, I just don't like it. I feel antsy, unsettled and like I'm going to crawl out of my skin if I have to sit alone in my apartment for any amount of time at all. I've never felt like this before. I've never like living alone but I've adjusted, I've made my home my own, painted, decorated, done what I want with my own space and yet I can barely stand to be home alone other than to sleep, change clothes or shower. It's so odd.

I'm sure I'm just adding all this extra pressure to myself right now with school ending, my work load increasing (but of course not my salary!) I've never dealt with lots of change all at once particularly well but at least I don't completely freak out now.....well not externally anyway.

I somehow imagined that once I graduated some magic switch would flip and my life, well my work life anyway, would magically transform into something that provided me with justification of my time in school, for the stress, the pressure, all the work I did but now that the end is so close I can't even see a wall for a switch to be on. What do we do to ourselves? Why do we put all these unrealistic expectations on ourselves....we set the bar so high that we can't even see the top. Maybe it's just me....it's the old when I get married I'll be happy or when I lose weight I'll be pretty or when I graduate I'll have the best job syndrome.

When do we stop realizing the grass on the other side is just grass? We have to be the change we want to see.

Man...there is so much rattling around in my head I'm not sure there is enough martini's to help me straighten it all out!