Stop fighting

I spend a lot of my time fighting with myself. Not out loud verbally, well sometimes, but a lot of internal chatter goes on in my brain. It's exhausting. I'm constantly fighting with myself because I've become this person over time that I'm not sure I want to be or even like being so I have lots of "discussions" with myself over it. I find that I have to consciously make an effort to be focused on changing who I am, fixing who I've become, working towards something new and different. Seriously....it's exhausting

I realize at some point I really have to stop fighting, I have to give in, surrender.....stop. I know if I do that, things will start to make sense. If we stop fighting ourselves we can begin to just breathe, to begin to live the life we are suppose to....right? I've heard that the second you stop fighting, time really is on your side. Then you can go on being who you are. How do we stop fighting with ourselves?

Everyday, every minute, every meeting, every moment I feel like I have to fight this internal battle. When I am at work I am corporate me, when I am at the ET I am polite me, when I am at school I am studious me, when I am with my friends I am social me, when I am with my family I am......I am not sure who I am suppose to be or who I really am, I just am. When I am home alone rattling around I am confused me. I don't know who I am suppose to be.

I keep thinking I am going to figure it out, that by some miracle I will wake up in the morning and have the answers. It's scary to be so ambiguous in your own life. Does our own life really ever make sense? Isn't the point of each day to be moving forward in the direction of something so we help define ourselves?

I wish I could go back 20 years in my life. I wish I could start my 20's over, I would do so many things differently. I would take chances, I would make changes, I would leap and know that a net would appear. If you don't do those things while you are young and have the opportunity it feels like too much time has passed, too many adult responsibilities come, and too much fear as creeped into us that we can't do those things now. I feel like life has so many limitations when we get older and settled into our lives. To much is at risk at this point in my life. I don't feel old but I do feel trapped, stuck, wedged into my own world. Good or bad it's what it is. I don't hate it, not actively anyway.

I know most people would say it's never too late, you can always make changes and I'm not opposed to that but it does get tricker as you get older. So much more to consider.

The Universe said this to me today:

Land appeared beneath their feet where there had been none because
they dared to step. Cups that had long been empty began to overflow, as they were finally raised in toast. And friends were drawn, as if from the ether, when the party shoes went on.
Oh, the magic,
The Universe

Oh the magic....it's hard when we get so wrapped up in our own world, our own little corner of madness. It's hard to process what we are suppose to be doing.....what will I do when I don't have school to occupy my brain most of the time?

I guess I have to learn to stop fighting with myself, the problem is I always think I'm right. How do you stop fighting yourself and learn to accept what is?