Real Happiness

Does it exist? Is it possible to really be happy?

The Universe today says:

The opportunity to find happiness dances within every moment, beats within every heart, and grooves within every occurrence, situation, and event. Yet,it's amazing how many lifetimes it usually takes for someone to "get down on it" and pump up the volume. Feel it?

With the recent news of the latest celeb deaths I began to wonder....did they ever find happiness? Were they ever at peace in their lives and did they find what ever it was they were looking for? I know on a week to week basis I have moments of happiness, where I feel like I'm where I need to be, I am happy and content and all feels good. Then there are days though that I feel like I'll never have what I am looking for, that I'm just now happy.

It's hard to know when you've gotten to the point in your own life when you realize you are happy, you are content, you can relax and enjoy your own life. We don't even let ourselves enjoy and be happy.

It's been my year of no rules....it's worked out pretty good but I might need an addendum....try happiness. Hmm, I'll have to ponder that.

Feeling exhausted

I'm not going to lie....I'm exhausted. Running to hospitals out in Coon Rapids, finishing a paper, working full time, working part-time, trying to have any semblance of a life for myself and now becoming a new Auntie for the 14th time....I'm exhausted.

I feel no inspiration to write, to create, to play. It seems like way too much work to get my thoughts from my head to the paper (electronically). Ugh. It feels so exhausting to just get up and get dressed everyday for work.

I need a break, I need a vacation, I need some time pool/beach side to do nothing.....NOTHING! No phone, no people, no anything...just me, the water and maybe a coconut drink. Doesn't that sound soul recharging!?

I have a few thoughts rattling around in my head but it's going to take some energy and some time to formulate these thoughts into something other than a rambling mess of words thrown together that barely form sentences.

I have to work tonight then do a s'more event with my apartment complex, then drive out to meet my newest nephew and then bake a cake for my boss's birthday tomorrow....at some point I will have to sleep but for now I just keep moving and I'll be fine.

I really do need a wife.

What does the Universe have to say to me today:

You know that feeling of accomplishment, triumph, and sublime joy that immediately follows a job well done, a victory, or a fresh, hot pizza delivery to your door?

I say feel it now. Go on. Give it to yourself without all the rules.

Your boss,
The Universe

Feel it later today and from now on, let's choose to feel these things often.
Just because....

See even the Universe believes in NO RULES! Love it.

Annoyed

I realize some days you get to be the rain clouds and some days you get to be the rainbow but man right now I feel like a storm cloud.

I hate it when you wake up irritated. I don't know why I did, I had a lovely evening with a friend and I went to bed fairly early and still I woke up with my crabby pants on....ugh.

Then as I was leaving my house at 6:10am these two people talked to each other in these sing songy voices that is like freaking nails on a chalk board to me. Do they think that's cute? Charming? Sweet...uh no...it's freaking annoying. Plus these two ladies are well into their 40's and it's SOOO not cute. My lord, stop the sing songy talking....it's uber annoying.

To add to that, I have no air conditioning in my car....yeah she's got 91,000 miles on her and I'm sure she's seen better days but she is paid for and with student loans coming due I don't really want to add another expense...especially since my income is not going up...yet.

Anyway, it's a hot, sweaty irritating day and I really have nothing to say.....so until tomorrow.

Learning to ride without training wheels

Now that school is behind me there are no more excuses for not doing things. I can no longer put everything on the back burner until that magical "someday"...that day is now.

How do you learn to ride without training wheels? You usually have a trusted adult guiding you, holding you up until you are ready to try it on your own. You gear up for it, you prepare yourself for it and yet nothing prepares you for the moment you scream "let me go" and suddenly your flying free and unobstructed by those extra set of wheels you knew would keep you from crashing to the ground and surely suffering your untimely death. Suddenly you have this magical feeling that you are free, that nothing can stop you now and that feeling when you finally look down and realize you are indeed on two wheels is a magical moment. You may stumble a time or two and get banged up and bruised but you keep on going until you are there. You've done it...you've taken that big step towards freedom.

That's what if feels like for me right now. I'm at at the oh God, it's time for me to learn to ride without my training wheels (school being the wheels). It's time for me to pedal on my own and discover my own path, my own freedom. All alone, all by myself, steady and strong hands gripped tight as I venture out onto a new path. Where I'll go or end up doesn't really matter, all that matters is that I am ready to let go of those training wheels and venture out onto two wheels.

Isn't it funny how easy things seem if we just think about them at the core of their being. It's pretty simple once you break it down to the basics. School was a huge commitment not only financially but time and mentally it absorbed a lot of time. It's a big commitment if you really want to get something out of it vs. just going through the motions of writing a paper, reading a chapter and answering some questions. I scoffed at my boss who said it changes the way a person thinks...and if you let it, if you let it in, absorb it, use it, make it fit into your world, it does....it changes how you process and think about things.

I hate it when I'm wrong.

Letting go

One must let go, in order to be free.


Sometimes we hang on to things for too long. Whether it's out of fear, pain, confusion, love, safety, whatever it is, sometimes we hang on to long. There is power in letting things go. It's hard to know when to let things go and when to push through and fight. How do you decide what's worth fighting for?

It's not easy, but it can be done.

I read somewhere that the path to true happiness is often block by our own self. That we are our own worst enemies, that we to lose our mind to be happy. When we were small children we experienced life in a whole new way. Everyday was a new adventure and as we got older we stopped experiencing things and our minds started to define and categorize things. To put things in boxes, or to define them as black and white, good or bad, fun or boring.

The bottom line was we needed to live life in the "Here and Now" . We need to go back to experiencing the world around us. Just like a child's first step out on the lawn, the pointy blades of grass tickling your feet and the joy of splashing through puddles after a rain storm. When was the last time you experienced that sensation? Of course as we get older, people tend to frown upon adults doing that sort of thing. You begin to get labeled as crazy or loony or unstable.

Caring for another person makes you stop and reflect on things. At least it does for me. I see how quickly things change, how quickly the finger of fate comes down and taps one on the shoulder and says "next". It's amazing how quickly life changes. If you don't enjoy the ride is it really worth it? Experience happiness, laugh, spread your joy. Find those things that bring you joy and happiness. Ride that train as long as you can.

For me it is knowing that I have helped someone and brought a little light into their world. It's about taking time to appreciate what beauty there is in the world. It also comes with learning to change your frame of mind from the negative to the positive and seeing things in a different light.

Sometimes all you can do is keep moving and eventually everything turns out OK in the end.

Life gets in the way

Some days are just better than others. It's hard when the unplanned happens. I love surprises, good surprises, happy surprises...fun surprises. I don't love the kind of surprises that wear my soul to the bone.

It's hard when you have to take care of sick parents. It's especially hard when you don't have a very good relationship with the sick parent. It wears my soul faster than it would if I had a good, positive relationship with my dad. If I at all believed or trusted anything he says. But I don't, so it wears me to the bone.

He will be fine I'm sure, he always is but until we get to that point we all stop our lives and do the "good daughter" thing and do what needs to be done. It's not fun, it's not fair but it's what we have to do.....more to be able to live with ourselves later than for him...isn't that sad?

Today is my final presentation for school...I am 99% ready, 98% sure I know what I am doing and in one way it's really kind of sad. I've spend almost every Tuesday, plus other days, with this group of people for the last 2 1/2 years. It's going to be very strange to not see them, to not have them be a part of my weekly life. It's really kind of sad. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. I remember when I started school, I thought good lord, what if I am the smartest person in the class, what if I am it.....I am not, I wasn't but the thought terrified me to no end. I also remember having a melt down during my first class thinking why do I think I can do this? Why do I think I am smart enough or strong enough or anything enough to get through this program? And the math classes.....absolutely terrified me.

But here I am, on the outside looking back and I feel really good about it, really proud, really thrilled that I actually accomplished it...even if no one else cares, I totally care about what I did. At my age, at this point in my life I freaking did it. Not alone, and not without a lot of support from my friends. I wouldn't have made it without them. I am very lucky.

What did the Universe have for me today? Made me smile a lot:

In the end, all you have are memories, and usually the ones you have with friends are the ones you treasure most.
I got you, babe.
The Universe

P.S. Not that there's really an "end".... and "usually" means there are indeed exceptions - like dancing in the dark, walking in a park, and some of those really loud sneezes.

Gosh darn it if that doesn't just say it all.

New Chapter

Where does the time go? Blink and all of a sudden you are an adult, blink again and your an adult who just graduated with a 4 year degree. Blink and your living the dream.....I'm still waiting for that blink.

Seems like there is never enough time in 24 hours to get everything done. I keep thinking, what if I don't wake up tomorrow....will this day have been good enough to be my last? Feels like there is so much to do but never enough time.

I went to a Lynx game the other night (women's basketball) and it was kinda cool. I don't think I've ever been to a basketball game. We were in a suite so we were above the crowd in our own bubble (um yeah a life I SOO could get used to) and it struck me as I sat there and watched the crowd from afar how kind of amazing sports really are. I mean you have hundreds of people rallying around a small group of committed people and they all sort of know the rules. When you get a basket they jump up and cheer, if they miss, there is a collective groan from the audience. They seem to be engaged and committed to their team winning. It's really kind of amazing.

If you could harness that power and translate it into real life wouldn't that be amazing!? If you could get your co-workers excited and committed to a project.....imagine what one could accomplish! I keep joking to my boss about it but we need a team chant, mantra or song. I think it would rally the troops!!!

My note from the Universe today was this:

Very simply the more that you accept responsibility for, the more power you have. Doesn't that rock?
Love,
The Universe

and since I've missed a few days of blogging I am going to include a few other notes from the Universe because I think they are important:

There will always be people in your life who hold you back, who cost you too much, and who fail to see all you've done for them. But, of course, they're just there to teach you that you do have time, that you'll always be rich, and that your own high standards are all that matter.
You knew that,
The Universe

While I appreciate this one, I kind struggle with it because there are those who we ALLOW to hold us back, to make us feel inferior, that we give our power away to and we don't even realize we do it until it's too late. We are complicated little ducks.

This one is my favorite...it is LOADED with stuff - I think I may have to reuse this one for a future blog....it has so many layers of stuff I am confused on right now. The thing is this came Monday....the day I came back in expecting my life to be different in some way....and really, nothing, not one single thing changed.

The baby steps in the beginning of a journey always seem inadequate compared to the brilliance of the dream that inspired them. This is natural. If the dream wasn't so far "out there" and dazzling, it wouldn't be worth dreaming! Just don't be led to think that the physical ground you cover with your baby steps is all that they accomplish. Because for every mortal step you take, another cog in a giant wheel behind the curtains of time and space advances, and with it, 10,000 new possibilities.
Better than Star Trek,
The Universe

Life is full of possibilities I get that....but some days it's hard to see them. War chant...maybe I need a war chant.

The best days of my life?

Is it possible that the best days of your life are actually behind you? As I get ready to mark this huge milestone in my own life I wonder.....are the best days of my life behind me?

I have been working towards my degree for so long, and I've been so focused on getting to this point that I've probably missed some things I could have or should have done along the way but here I am, on the verge of having a peice of paper that will validate me in other people's eyes and I worry that I'm on the downward slope of my own life now. I worry that I'm just going to coast from here on out, that things will just be sort of .....vanilla.

I guess that's not all that bad, I don't need a whirl wind of a life, but I don't want to just settle into a compliant life either. I still need something to challenge me, to help me grow....to push me outside my comfort zone. I plan to give myself a little time....the summer anyway to enjoy my new freedom. I just hope there is more to come!

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

Life is an endless journey. You go down one path searching, looking, seeking out the answers and then half way down you figure out it's not the right path. It may no longer be a path. Sometimes there are new paths to take along the way. It's like you have to keep moving, keep searching. Is there an end? Is there an answer? Should it be that easy?

I was talking to my friend last night (Schnoodler) and we sometimes stumble across bits of conversation that are more than one liners. As graduation closes in on me I have these expectations that overnight my world is going to change. Poof, just like that I'll finally know some of the answers to life's questions, that people will look at me differently, that I'll magically BE where I'm suppose to be but the reality is, nothing is going to change on Monday. Nothing will be different. I'll still wake up, get dressed and come into a job that doesn't offer me any personal value or satisfaction. I'll still come in and make other people's job's easier and not have anything to focus on except the fact that for 9 hours a day I don't feel connected to the bigger picture or that what I do matters. Nothing will change except I will have time at night to focus on ....... where ever I let my mind wander to. I'm scared.

It's up to me and what I do next that matters. I can sit back and do nothing and hang my diploma on the wall for the world to see or I can start to move, make a ripple in my ocean and see what happens when I start this boat rocking. My friend suggested that I sit back and enjoy doing nothing for awhile. That I just BE. That thought freaks me out. It literally makes me visibly shudder. Do nothing....how does one DO nothing?

I guess I need to find a halfway point that brings satisfaction. I am always tempted to think in terms of all or nothing. Something in the air is changing, maybe it's me, maybe I'm becoming aware of life outside my own bubble, but all of a sudden I am having feelings that well up from very deep and hidden places within myself and I'm not even sure what to do with them or where they are coming from much less what the hell to do with them.

I may not be able to avoid unleashing these powerful emotions but I do need to figure out what to do with them. I love this thought Schnoodler shared with me "sometimes we see the shoes the socks the pants but never the toes the feet and the legs and it's not until we stand naked long enough that the truth of what lies underneath becomes apparent." He is my very own Yoda isn't he.

So I guess, I have been on this path, this journey, this mission for so long that I'm not sure what to do now that I seem to be at the end of this particular road. I guess the good thing is I'll just keep moving, just keep trudging along until I find what it is I'm looking for. I sure hope there is a new path that appears for me to wander down because I'm ready to keep moving.

My thought from the Universe today:

I should think one would look fondly back over their shoulder at all the times in their life when they were overcharged, tricked, or taken advantage of, because for every single one of these transgressions, they'll be paid back like a Rock Star on an international stadium tour, hanging out with the coolest cats, flying on private jets, eating Ho Hos, and being waited on hand and foot by their former transgressors. If that's their thing, you know. And that's in addition to all of the other incredibly wonderful things that will be happening to them forever and ever, as they do for all people.
See you in the 'VIP,'
The Universe

Changing who we are

I realize life is all about change. We have to, we evolve, we customize ourselves to fit into new roles, new groups of friends, new jobs...even new relationships but at our very core are we still who we started out as? Do our values and thoughts and feelings remain but we adapt personality traits or start making different decisions because of who we are now with? Is it right?

I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. I've changed. Life events happen that change us, we make new friends that help us grow and move in new directions and sometimes, if we are lucky, we find love that helps us grow and change too. But when that goes awry....that can also change us...so much around us has an effect on who we are, who we become and who we choose to stay.

I have said before I would like someone to make my decisions for me so when things go wrong I can blame someone else...it wasn't my fault or choice. I realize that's not.....adult or even possible but I do so enjoy that thought. As I drove into work this morning pondering my latest dilemma this thought occurred to me. Why can't I just turn things over to someone else to make the decision and I can be out of it...I may not like it but heck....how bad can that be? Then I come into this note from the Universe. Guess I have to think this through more.

There can only be a need for forgiveness, when first there is blame. And there can only be blame, when first there is misunderstanding.
Kung fu,
The Universe (www.tut.com)

And often, misunderstandings arise for one of three reasons: not enough love, not enough sleep, or not enough chocolate.

Wild. I think maybe I could use a little of each of those things....who couldn't?

I don't let myself feel intimidated very often. I don't like to give that control or power over to someone else. I usually think of myself as a pretty confident, self-assured kind of a girl but once in awhile, not sure if it's a full moon or what, but once in awhile I get all unsure of myself and I let silly things rule me.

Recently at work I've been having a lot of connection with our EVP's (executive vice president). I work for a regular VP and when I have to go up to the 16th floor I feel I am in 2nd grade again and being called into the principals office. It's so unnaturally quiet on this floor, there is a pod of the Executive Admins that holds about 5/6 of them and I don't think they talk to each other at all.....ever. There is this feel of........I can't quite describe it but you know how when you walk into a church when it's not church time...there is this sort of feeling of Holiness or something that makes you feel like you have to whisper or tip toe...that's what it feels like up there.

The problem is...I'm not a whispering, tip toeing kind of girl. I live out loud and I would implode if I couldn't talk out loud to myself, which I often do. When I go up there I sort of feel all itchy and nervous and can't wait to get off that floor. Isn't that an admins ultimate goal though...to make it to the executive level...to support a CEO or an EVP? Not me....not unless I could slap one on the back and ask how their weekend was....or share a story about how I had a few cocktails and made some new friends.....you know....stories of who I am.

I wonder if I could adjust to that world....I would most definitely have to change the "work" me and I don't know that I'd think it's worth that.

I think I'll just keep being who I am and see where land.

Speed bumps

I realize speed bumps are suppose to help us...to slow us down, to keep us from whipping by without seeing. They even paint them a bright color so we can see them and hopefully slow down enough to not rip off the underbelly of our car as we speed over them. Sometimes that doesn't happen though. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own world that we just forge ahead and end up racing over them only to realize it as we hear that terrible sound.

Life is a lot like that...it takes something big and in our face to make us stop and realize what's happening. If I think about it, sometimes the everyday mundane things I do that seem huge or annoying or problematic at the time are really just speed bumps....things that happen to try to get me to slow down and to realize what's going on.

I have a very good friend that is dealing with a critically ill parent. She is basically waiting for her to die and without warning, without any notice this came out of the blue and now she has to stop everything and deal with this. It's got to be one of the hardest things to do...I went through it with my grandmother and almost with my mother so I get the stress, the decisions that have to be made, the absolute energy sucking that takes it's toll on your soul. I wish I could do something, I wish I could wrap my arms around her and tell it was going to be alright, that even though it's really really icky right now.....you will get through this and your mom will be in a better place. But you can't see that or hear that when your in the middle of it. I just wish peace for her and her mom. Speed bump.

I've had a good year thus far. It's now the beginning of the 6th month and I have to say, this is one of my better years. I've made a lot of new choices, cultivated new friendships that I can't imagine ever living without. I've explored some uncharted waters, pushed myself to do things outside my comfort zone, took my New New Years rule of NO RULES to heart and I am finally finishing school. It's a lot of stuff going on right now and I feel really good about where it's heading but I'm also wondering what's next? What does the Universe have in store for me?

I don't want a list, but I do wonder, where exactly am I going to go from here. Shouldn't I have a clue? Shouldn't I formulate a plan of action? You know that old saying....even if you're on the right track you'll get run over if you just sit there....am I just sitting here? How do you begin to plan for the unknown?

The Universe had this for me today:

How could I ever hope that you might love as I love, give as I give, fly as I fly, and feel as I feel, without ALL that I have that makes these things so easy for me? I want you to feel complete. I want your heart to overflow with joy. I want you to soar, far and wide, to wherever your dreams may lead you. And, I want you to be rich.
I am,
The Universe

These thoughts or messages from the Universe provide me with a sense of contentment, with a calming effect on my soul knowing that something bigger than myself is out there directing me. It gives me peace.

Now if it could just cook dinner for me we'd be set!

Making a new list, checking it twice

A person knows there are just certain things they just won't do....I won't ever eat live squid or pretty much any live animal, absolutely not! Like I said, I know there are things I will never, ever do. As I get older, as I get more life experience and see how little anyone else cares about what I do I see there are maybe somethings I put on my "no" list that I would be willing to move. So perhaps it's time to create a NEW list...an improved list...a"maybe" list.

I love Cheryl Richardson (cherylrichardson.com) she is a life coach and sends out a weekly news letter with good tips, suggestions and of course offering her books and seminars. She also has these Touch of Grace cards and a site on her website where you can get divine help at the click of a mouse. Try it out.

Today's message happened to be about graduation....couldn't be more timely - at least for me. So I share with you her 7 lessons to make a positive difference as we look towards starting out the next and new phase of life after graduation. Enjoy!

1. Spend more time on the who rather than the what. What you do will always be less important than who you become. Knowledge is great but it will never take you as far as your courage, your integrity, your reputation for someone who keeps his or her word, or your commitment to be of service to others in an important way. As you go through life, you will face challenges and obstacles. When you do, get in the habit of asking yourself the following three questions: 1. How can I grow from this experience? 2. What qualities of character am I being called to develop? 3. How can I use this event to make me a better person?

I like this rule for the obvious reasons. I've said it before though...your reputation is all you have and if you let someone else control that or change that then what have you got? Nothing.

2. Follow your heart. Pay far more attention to what you think than what everyone else thinks. The most important relationship you'll ever have is with you. When I think about the regrets I've heard from adults over the years, the biggest ones always have to do with listening to everyone else but themselves. Start now. Make your own rules and follow them. At the end of your life, the most important person you'll have to answer to is you.

This one is hard for me....I feel like I don't know what my heart is saying. If I trust it or try to hear it, I am not sure I am hearing MY heart. What I want, what I think. I have to learn to hear my own voice...that may be harder that learning to follow your heart.

3. Develop a strong "maverick muscle." Be willing to bend the rules, learn how to disappoint others gracefully, get comfortable with people not liking you, and always strive to be an original thinker. Allow yourself to be the unique spirit that you were meant to be. Trust me. Your willingness to rock the boat will set you apart from 95% of the people you meet throughout your life.

I love this thought! Love that there is a name for our own uniqueness. I am drawn to people who are different, who go against the grain, who push the envelope. I always want to be that person. By giving it a name, it sort of makes it real, like I have proof now that I can be who I am. I am a maverick!

4. Build your courage muscles. Starting tomorrow, practice doing one small thing a day that frightens you. Learn to water ski, ask someone out on a date, go for that promotion you keep dreaming about, or learn to dance. Small acts of courage strengthen your ability to take even bigger leaps later on like deciding to write your own book or run for political office. Courage builds confidence and confident people rarely settle for less.

This also is a good one. I always say if I just don't think about things I can do them. If I just move ahead without thinking I can do anything....that alone is scary.


5. Don't go to the hardware store for milk. When you're excited about doing something new, make sure you turn to those people who will encourage you to take a chance - the ones who believe in you rather than those who will tell you why an idea won't work. Surround yourself with positive people - the kind of people who challenge you to reach beyond your fear rather than play it safe. There will always be people telling you why an idea is risky, or why you can't do something. That advice is usually based on the mistakes they've made or the chances they didn't take because they were afraid. Always remember this: Someone's past does not equal your future. When faced with a naysayer, smile, say thank you, and turn around. Stick with positive people who believe in you. Remember, if you needed milk, you wouldn't go to the hardware store.

By the way, you're mom was right. You do become who you hang around with. Choose your friends wisely.

I hate it that my mom was right about anything but I have to give her this one. You do become who your friends are. That's why this last year I've ventured out onto a new path, seeking out those who push me on new paths, challenge me to go do things I've never done and most importantly, to have fun with. I think we all need more fun in our lives.

6. Live by this mantra: Where there's a will, there's a way. Don't give up, especially when things get hard, and don't ever let anyone or anything put limits on you.

I've always believed in this one. I like to say there is the right way and there is my way. Usually my way is more fun! I want to start living my life in a new way. I want to be that brave, smart, funny person I pretend to be.....but really be that person. I always give up too soon.

7. Stay connected. Your use of technology - email or texting, for example - will never replace the value of a live connection with someone. Every now and then pick up the phone and call a friend or visit a loved one rather than send an email or text message. When we come to the end of our lives, it's who we loved and who loved us that matters most.

See...texting is keeping me connected!! I do have to admit, technology is something I've really had to work hard at embracing because my instant instinct is "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". So I have to push myself out on the edge and learn and do new things and I have to admit, it's been fun!

Finally, at the time you were born you were given an amazing gift - a gift that most of us forget about as we grow older. It's the power to design your own unique life. You are an artist. The canvas is your life. From this moment on, take ownership of this gift and use it wisely. If you do, your life will become an extraordinary work of art.

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.
That will be the beginning."
--Louis L'Amour