I love that saying....Everything is alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end.
It's never too late in life to revise, to restart to begin again. I got a book for my birthday called Do-Over. A 48 year old father of three returns to kindergarden, summer camp, the prom and other moments in time that usually define who we are or who we become.
He begins by talking about when kids shout "do-over" and just like magic they get to begin again. Just like crossing your fingers you didn't mean it, it didn't go well and you need a re-do. I love this story my sister tells of time she spent with my 6 year old nephew. They were at the zoo and she said to him that we will ride some rides on the way out...he asked her if she promised and she said yes, I promise. So they enjoyed the zoo and as she promised they stopped on the way out to ride some rides. His eyes lit up when he saw the games as well and she said you have a choice, we can either ride rides or play games. He thought about it and chose the games. After they played their money's worth of games my nephew said "um, I meant I wanted to ride rides". Do-over. Can it really be that easy?
I embraced this thought early on in this year when my New Years celebration left me a little disappointed. I declared a New Years re-do and thankfully I have some amazing friends who joined in the re-do with me and it was much better. Why don't we all have a re-do button on our own lives? Why does it have to change when we become adults? Does it have to change? Who makes those rules?
The author of this book talks about reevaluating what you think you've left bedind as a way to find out who you are now and thus put into things into perspective. Who we are now is a result of all we have been through, our life experiences, the mistakes we've made, the great moments we've enjoiyed. The secret is not to let those control us, to define us now or to stop us. How do we move, learn and grow from all that?
He suggests creating a do-over list, a list of things you want to re-do or possibly even do for the first time. I have kind of done this but clearly I need to read more of this book to discover how to not only do this but how to execute the re-do portion of this process.
If it were that easy I'm sure we would all do this every day....right? I know I would. There is so much about my younger self I would like to re-do. Like my first boyfriend.....I wish I would have understood way back then that someone who likes to swallow lighter fluid and then breath fire at your sisters is not as impressive as it seemed at the time. Or to make better fashion choices earlier on so I don't cringe looking at those pictures of myself...jesh...who really thought super furry socks were the IN look? Yesh.
I guess it's time to listen to your heart, to look inside and see what it is that makes you tick and if you aren't finding it then get that list going and start checking things off.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Great Moments
Life moves so fast and changes with the blink of an eye.
That old saying You don't know what you got til it's gone couldn't be more true. When a huge, life altering event happens such as a death, a divorce or loss of a job, one tends to reflect back and remember the good moments, the good things, the positives of the time spent. Why can't we remember that on a daily basis? How do you learn to be thankful for what you have right in front of you. This very moment, this day...how do you learn to live in these great moments?
There is so much pain and suffering all around, not just physically but mentally as well. We are in constant turmoil in life and if you can find some peace and escape from it why don't we give ourselves every opportunity to do that? There are some people that are in a constant state of agitation or stress and I think does that really help? Is that really necessary? Does that make the situation your facing better....really?
I am just as guilty of those moments as anyone...I accept that. I have been thinking about how fast relationships in my life change. How quickly they go from nothing to something and from something to nothing. There are people I don't even see or talk to hardly at all anymore that I used to be connected with hourly or at the very least daily. It's sad to me how quickly things change and how fast something new goes away. Why don't the good things ever last?
How do we understand these moments when they are happening and find ways to keep them, to hold them close, to really enjoy and cherish them? How do we only notice them when they are gone?
That old saying You don't know what you got til it's gone couldn't be more true. When a huge, life altering event happens such as a death, a divorce or loss of a job, one tends to reflect back and remember the good moments, the good things, the positives of the time spent. Why can't we remember that on a daily basis? How do you learn to be thankful for what you have right in front of you. This very moment, this day...how do you learn to live in these great moments?
There is so much pain and suffering all around, not just physically but mentally as well. We are in constant turmoil in life and if you can find some peace and escape from it why don't we give ourselves every opportunity to do that? There are some people that are in a constant state of agitation or stress and I think does that really help? Is that really necessary? Does that make the situation your facing better....really?
I am just as guilty of those moments as anyone...I accept that. I have been thinking about how fast relationships in my life change. How quickly they go from nothing to something and from something to nothing. There are people I don't even see or talk to hardly at all anymore that I used to be connected with hourly or at the very least daily. It's sad to me how quickly things change and how fast something new goes away. Why don't the good things ever last?
How do we understand these moments when they are happening and find ways to keep them, to hold them close, to really enjoy and cherish them? How do we only notice them when they are gone?
Monday, July 27, 2009
Being Bored
Is there a difference between being bored having nothing to do? Are they really the same thing? Sometimes we find ourselves with nothing to do but does that mean we are bored?
As I laid by the pool yesterday, really enjoying myself like a lizard on a beach, I thought about this. Often when we have nothing to do we claim to be "bored". I think it's hard for most people (it can't just be me...right?) to learn how to stop and experience life without the distraction of a never-ending to-do list. Most of my days have been focused on feeling overwhelmed and yet at the same time, scared and uncomfortable with downtime.
If you ask people about their about their own ability to slow down and do nothing, you start to realize it's not easy for most people to do this. To stop and be still. The minute they have extra time on their hands, they feel bored and thus uncomfortable and immediately they search for something to do to fill the time. Anything. At least that's how I have been feeling.
The problem is that no matter what I seem to do, I can't seem to stop that feeling from coming back again and again. In this adrenaline-fueled society, learning to do nothing is really a difficult thing to do. I imagine just like anything else, with practice, hopefully one can discover that feelings of boredom can easily be changed into a sense of peace and serenity - at least that's what I am guessing can happen if you learn to channel it differently.
How does one master the art of being bored? How do you get to that place where you can push through to the other sided and enjoy peace of mind, something I think we all long for. I imagine to do this one has to create space in their own lives. To open up their schedules, figure out ways to let go of things that don't really matter. How do you learn to shut off your drive and the relentless pursuit of the elusive goal of being OK with being alone? How do you get to that authentic place?
I think that learning to be bored is much like learning to meditate. You need to hang on through a period of restlessness before you can experience the benefits. Once you get used to it, you not only learn to relax but you get to that point where you can learn to see past the here and now. You learn to enjoy your own company. Possibly you even figure out how to be less impulsive so you can make better decisions.
Obviously this doesn't happen overnight and there is no pill to take but as we learn to be OK with being "bored" it will get easier and feel more natural. I imagine the feelings that everyone else is getting ahead or that we are missing out on something bigger and better will evaporate as well.
These typical fear-based thoughts will always try to come to the surface and try to make you "do something". The plan is to learn to make space in your life, to be good at being bored, only then will be be able to connect with our own true authentic self.
Once you get good at being bored and are able to maintain a reserve of space in your own life, the Universe will draw people to you, opportunities will come and soon you won't even remember how you lived life before you accepted and embraced the bored part of life.
Give boredom a try, start making space in your life and see what happens. I know I am going to try it, sure can't hurt.
As I laid by the pool yesterday, really enjoying myself like a lizard on a beach, I thought about this. Often when we have nothing to do we claim to be "bored". I think it's hard for most people (it can't just be me...right?) to learn how to stop and experience life without the distraction of a never-ending to-do list. Most of my days have been focused on feeling overwhelmed and yet at the same time, scared and uncomfortable with downtime.
If you ask people about their about their own ability to slow down and do nothing, you start to realize it's not easy for most people to do this. To stop and be still. The minute they have extra time on their hands, they feel bored and thus uncomfortable and immediately they search for something to do to fill the time. Anything. At least that's how I have been feeling.
The problem is that no matter what I seem to do, I can't seem to stop that feeling from coming back again and again. In this adrenaline-fueled society, learning to do nothing is really a difficult thing to do. I imagine just like anything else, with practice, hopefully one can discover that feelings of boredom can easily be changed into a sense of peace and serenity - at least that's what I am guessing can happen if you learn to channel it differently.
How does one master the art of being bored? How do you get to that place where you can push through to the other sided and enjoy peace of mind, something I think we all long for. I imagine to do this one has to create space in their own lives. To open up their schedules, figure out ways to let go of things that don't really matter. How do you learn to shut off your drive and the relentless pursuit of the elusive goal of being OK with being alone? How do you get to that authentic place?
I think that learning to be bored is much like learning to meditate. You need to hang on through a period of restlessness before you can experience the benefits. Once you get used to it, you not only learn to relax but you get to that point where you can learn to see past the here and now. You learn to enjoy your own company. Possibly you even figure out how to be less impulsive so you can make better decisions.
Obviously this doesn't happen overnight and there is no pill to take but as we learn to be OK with being "bored" it will get easier and feel more natural. I imagine the feelings that everyone else is getting ahead or that we are missing out on something bigger and better will evaporate as well.
These typical fear-based thoughts will always try to come to the surface and try to make you "do something". The plan is to learn to make space in your life, to be good at being bored, only then will be be able to connect with our own true authentic self.
Once you get good at being bored and are able to maintain a reserve of space in your own life, the Universe will draw people to you, opportunities will come and soon you won't even remember how you lived life before you accepted and embraced the bored part of life.
Give boredom a try, start making space in your life and see what happens. I know I am going to try it, sure can't hurt.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Learning to be alone
I am not an "alone" type person. Well that's not 100% true. In the big picture I don't enjoy it, in small doses, I adore it, crave it even. After a long weekend with people I love coming home to the quiet emptiness of my own home. On a daily basis, however, I hate it.
As I laid by the pool yesterday trying to soak up some sun, alone, I thought a lot about this. I thought how hard I try to NOT be alone....it's a desperate attempt to avoid being alone with my own thoughts. I engulf myself with friends, new and old, to avoid being alone. I realized yesterday that I am not really making changes in my own life as much as I am just trying to "absorb" what I need from others and thus when they move on, when they change, when they do what they need to do for themselves, I am left behind.
I feel alone, empty and sad because all I'm doing is just sort of skimming the surface of my own life and not really living. When I am not able to do that I have to find new friends, or new people to absorb energy from and it keeps changing, keeps evolving but always with the same outcome...me alone and not liking it.
I need to figure out HOW to be alone. To be with just me and be OK with it. To not rely on anyone else to fill that void, empty, hallow feeling in my soul. It's not a bad thing really, but it feels like a bad thing to me. I associate being alone with some kind of negativeness. Maybe because I think if you are alone it means no one wants to be with you....near you.....to hang out with you and you are not worthy of anyone else's time. I want to be the person people want to be with....to hang out with, to spend time with but I never feel like THAT person.
How do you learn to be alone? Why does being alone feel so negative to me? I tried yesterday to do things on my own without "needing" anyone around me. I went shopping, I sat and had coffee and then I laid by the pool with just me....no texting, not talking.....nothing. It should have been enjoyable, it should have been energizing, it should have been.....a good thing, but honestly, it did none of those things for me. Ugh. I realize it's not an overnight, flip a switch type of thing but yikes....this process is gonna kinda suck.
I know we all need to re-energize ourself, we need to go "inside" and figure out who we are and what we want but what if we don't have the capability to do that? What if you can't "go inside"? Do you just lose out? Aren't there other options? Aren't there other ways to figure it all out? There can't be just one way to do things....right?
We have to learn to be alone with ourselves, we have to learn to like who we are and if we don't, then we have to figure out how to change those things to make us become the person we can stand to be alone with. Maybe that's it.....maybe I can't stand the person I am therefore I can't be alone with me. Hard work equals success right....so if it were easy it wouldn't be worth it.
As I laid by the pool yesterday trying to soak up some sun, alone, I thought a lot about this. I thought how hard I try to NOT be alone....it's a desperate attempt to avoid being alone with my own thoughts. I engulf myself with friends, new and old, to avoid being alone. I realized yesterday that I am not really making changes in my own life as much as I am just trying to "absorb" what I need from others and thus when they move on, when they change, when they do what they need to do for themselves, I am left behind.
I feel alone, empty and sad because all I'm doing is just sort of skimming the surface of my own life and not really living. When I am not able to do that I have to find new friends, or new people to absorb energy from and it keeps changing, keeps evolving but always with the same outcome...me alone and not liking it.
I need to figure out HOW to be alone. To be with just me and be OK with it. To not rely on anyone else to fill that void, empty, hallow feeling in my soul. It's not a bad thing really, but it feels like a bad thing to me. I associate being alone with some kind of negativeness. Maybe because I think if you are alone it means no one wants to be with you....near you.....to hang out with you and you are not worthy of anyone else's time. I want to be the person people want to be with....to hang out with, to spend time with but I never feel like THAT person.
How do you learn to be alone? Why does being alone feel so negative to me? I tried yesterday to do things on my own without "needing" anyone around me. I went shopping, I sat and had coffee and then I laid by the pool with just me....no texting, not talking.....nothing. It should have been enjoyable, it should have been energizing, it should have been.....a good thing, but honestly, it did none of those things for me. Ugh. I realize it's not an overnight, flip a switch type of thing but yikes....this process is gonna kinda suck.
I know we all need to re-energize ourself, we need to go "inside" and figure out who we are and what we want but what if we don't have the capability to do that? What if you can't "go inside"? Do you just lose out? Aren't there other options? Aren't there other ways to figure it all out? There can't be just one way to do things....right?
We have to learn to be alone with ourselves, we have to learn to like who we are and if we don't, then we have to figure out how to change those things to make us become the person we can stand to be alone with. Maybe that's it.....maybe I can't stand the person I am therefore I can't be alone with me. Hard work equals success right....so if it were easy it wouldn't be worth it.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Not that girl
I'm never THAT girl. Never the one people seek out, never the one people want to be with, never the one people meet, look at and think I want to be HER. I'll never be that girl. I am mostly OK with that....but just once I kinda wanna be THAT girl..,,,.just for a moment. Is that so wrong?
There are lots of those girls out there.....I wonder if they realize that about themselves. Do they know they have IT? I wonder.
I watched this couple the other night....they were probably in their late 80's and they were out to dinner and they sat across from each other and as they ate they held one hand....just simply and gently across the table, no big production about it, just simply stretched out across the table and it was almost as if they didn't realize they were doing it. They ate dinner, talked and it was just simple and kind. It made me really miss my own grandparents. Not that they ever did that but it made me miss them terribly for a moment.
They loved each other deeply and yet they fought like fiends, it was almost comical. My grandfather would say it's cloudy and my grandmother would yell IT'S SUNNY.....always opposites and yet they had that base, that core, that unyielding love at the core of their souls. You could see it, you could feel it....it's something you don't see anymore. People don't seem to have that level of love and connectedness that they used to.
Sure people fall in and out of love all the time but there is something different about the way people used to be in love and stay married. They toughed out the hard times, they fought out loud and they didn't walk away when things got hard or tough. I miss that about my grandparents. There were moments you'd catch them being super sweet to each other like when he'd call her "my Annie". It was so endearing and I bet it made her heart stop just a little each time he did that.
I get worried that I'll become one of those bitter crazy old people you see in the malls. The ones that just fix the front side of their hair and leave the back all crazy bed head and there's always a streak of lipstick across their front tooth that they are oblivious to.
Oh God, I'm going to have to get people in my life so I don't end up like that person.
Oh dear...I don't want to be THAT girl.
There are lots of those girls out there.....I wonder if they realize that about themselves. Do they know they have IT? I wonder.
I watched this couple the other night....they were probably in their late 80's and they were out to dinner and they sat across from each other and as they ate they held one hand....just simply and gently across the table, no big production about it, just simply stretched out across the table and it was almost as if they didn't realize they were doing it. They ate dinner, talked and it was just simple and kind. It made me really miss my own grandparents. Not that they ever did that but it made me miss them terribly for a moment.
They loved each other deeply and yet they fought like fiends, it was almost comical. My grandfather would say it's cloudy and my grandmother would yell IT'S SUNNY.....always opposites and yet they had that base, that core, that unyielding love at the core of their souls. You could see it, you could feel it....it's something you don't see anymore. People don't seem to have that level of love and connectedness that they used to.
Sure people fall in and out of love all the time but there is something different about the way people used to be in love and stay married. They toughed out the hard times, they fought out loud and they didn't walk away when things got hard or tough. I miss that about my grandparents. There were moments you'd catch them being super sweet to each other like when he'd call her "my Annie". It was so endearing and I bet it made her heart stop just a little each time he did that.
I get worried that I'll become one of those bitter crazy old people you see in the malls. The ones that just fix the front side of their hair and leave the back all crazy bed head and there's always a streak of lipstick across their front tooth that they are oblivious to.
Oh God, I'm going to have to get people in my life so I don't end up like that person.
Oh dear...I don't want to be THAT girl.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
These times are tough
I did a job fair yesterday, well I staffed a booth there and it was really rather a sad place to be. You would think it wouldn't be so depressing but to hear story after story from people about how they never saw their layoff coming is really very sad. Some folks were very bitter either because that's how they are normally or because it's still rather fresh. I am not blaming them, it would be HORRIBLE to be in that position. Some have families and you can could just see by the looks on their faces the level of desperation. They weren't all bad however, there was the select few, the chosen ones who you could tell never really plan to be employed ever again. They are just going to sit back and take unemployment as long as they possibly can and they seemed absolutely OK with that. That was a little sad to me as well.
I know we shouldn't wrap our identity up in our jobs or in our work but when you are out of a job, when you are fighting against the odds to support your family I imagine it's almost impossible to NOT do that. I forget that on a daily basis. I forget how lucky I am that I have a job that is, as far as I can tell, secure. I have had some scares but overall I think I am not going anywhere....at least at this point.
The look in these people's eyes stays with me...they were/are so desperate, sad, hopeful. There were some people I talked to that I would give a job to in a minute, others not so much. I believe attitude is everything and I know it's got to be exhausting and frustrating looking for a job but some of these people didn't even put any effort into their appearance. They totally were like eh.....take me or leave me. It's funny, I know we all have days like that but if you are trying to edge yourself ahead of the herd, try a little.
We are always under construction. If we aren't trying to add or hone our current skills then we are adjusting and figuring out new ones. It's almost like we should be covered in orange cones all the time. How we change and what we decide to do is always up to us. We can choose that glass to be half full or half empty. Some days it feels like there is a tiny pin hole leak in it but overall, we get to decide it.
I'm trying to read the book right now The Last Lecture. It's challenging because it's written by a Randy Pausch, who has now since passed, but it was written when he full well knew he was dying. His time was short and he had accepted it, I mean what else can one do? It's hard because I'm trying to read it at work and it's rather emotional. I keep comparing what he is saying to what I am feeling in my own life and it seems so insignificant. I think how petty the things I am worried about, things that keep me up at night, all that I want to do and be and here is a man facing his very very short life. It's hard to not feel a little guilty about my own life.
My favorite quote in the book so far is "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you". He says that when you are frustrated or upset with people it just may be because you haven't given them enough time. It takes great patience.....just keep waiting, it will come. Just wait for it!!!
I know we shouldn't wrap our identity up in our jobs or in our work but when you are out of a job, when you are fighting against the odds to support your family I imagine it's almost impossible to NOT do that. I forget that on a daily basis. I forget how lucky I am that I have a job that is, as far as I can tell, secure. I have had some scares but overall I think I am not going anywhere....at least at this point.
The look in these people's eyes stays with me...they were/are so desperate, sad, hopeful. There were some people I talked to that I would give a job to in a minute, others not so much. I believe attitude is everything and I know it's got to be exhausting and frustrating looking for a job but some of these people didn't even put any effort into their appearance. They totally were like eh.....take me or leave me. It's funny, I know we all have days like that but if you are trying to edge yourself ahead of the herd, try a little.
We are always under construction. If we aren't trying to add or hone our current skills then we are adjusting and figuring out new ones. It's almost like we should be covered in orange cones all the time. How we change and what we decide to do is always up to us. We can choose that glass to be half full or half empty. Some days it feels like there is a tiny pin hole leak in it but overall, we get to decide it.
I'm trying to read the book right now The Last Lecture. It's challenging because it's written by a Randy Pausch, who has now since passed, but it was written when he full well knew he was dying. His time was short and he had accepted it, I mean what else can one do? It's hard because I'm trying to read it at work and it's rather emotional. I keep comparing what he is saying to what I am feeling in my own life and it seems so insignificant. I think how petty the things I am worried about, things that keep me up at night, all that I want to do and be and here is a man facing his very very short life. It's hard to not feel a little guilty about my own life.
My favorite quote in the book so far is "If you wait long enough, people will surprise and impress you". He says that when you are frustrated or upset with people it just may be because you haven't given them enough time. It takes great patience.....just keep waiting, it will come. Just wait for it!!!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Can you have it all?
Relax. Breathe in deep. Hold it. Let it out. Loosen your shoulders. Smile. Close your eyes. You'll be surprised at how many voices you'll hear, whispering sweet encouragement into your ear.
Be still, be calm, and listen. You'll find there's nowhere you can't go, no challenge you can't master, and no reason whatsoever that you can't
have it all.
Kissey, kissey, you can do it -
The Universe
Breathe. Just breathe. It's amazing how something so simple, so uncomplicated can change the way you think, feel and act. In times of stress sometimes a deep, cleansing breathe can make all the difference.
One of my favorite things to do is to lay by the pool and soak up some sun. To shut my mind off and just lay pool side listening to the birds, the wind and maybe some gossip that seems to happen pool side. The weather this year has not really cooperated with this goal of mine. I had an entire week off in July that was cloudy every day....every single day!! I need the sun. I need color. I need that time to lay like a lizard in the sun forgetting all the cares of the world. Everyday that I have the ability to have time off, it seems to be cloudy...does Mother Nature really hate me that much??
It's funny, I never thought I was one to be alone, to be quiet, to enjoy solitude but lately I'm wondering if I don't need to do that. NEED being the key word. I'm really good at being busy, at doing things, at finding things to keep my mind busy but I am wondering if my body is trying to tell me to try something else. My back has been bothering me for a few days now just out of the blue. It's like it's tired of the way things have been going so it's going to change gears on me and make me do something else.
Isn't it strange when our own bodies turn on us, they work against us instead of with us. I think it's only going to get worse as I get older too. Some times when I spend a lot of the day typing my wrists hurt and my eyes feel a little buggy....it's happening in small doses everyday right now. I can't imagine what another 5 years will bring my way. It sucks to get old.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Knowing who you are
Once you figure out who you are I imagine life gets easier. Once you know who you are, what you stand for, what you believe it I would think life would just flow and be simple. Until then however, we stagger along the path trying to figure it all out.
We idolize celebrities, we put them on pedestals. We try to be like them, to look like them, to have their lives and when they fall apart and are all over the news and gossip magazines we realize they are human.....just like us. They make mistakes, they do dumb things, they wear terrible clothes and sometimes, they go out in public with no make-up on. They are as human as we are and we forget to see that. With all the recent celebrity deaths we have had glimpses into these idol's lives and suddenly we find out they are just like us. They love, they suffer, they care, they cry....they are just like us. It's strange how we don't really see that. I imagine people who are thrust into the spotlight must really struggle because they must go through a roller coaster of odd emotions and struggle with trying to figure out who they are all over again.
We judge these people so much differently than we do ourselves. We expect them to be model perfect people all of the time and when they don't live up to those standards we are so disappointed and we become so judgemental of them. Why else would gossip magazines be so popular?
Recent news headlines have been about Jon & Kate and their divorce. Really? How is that news? 60% of marriages fail and just because they have a TV show it's news? How about the hundreds of people that file every single day. Suddenly when their lives fall apart just like anyone else we make it news. They are unhappy, sad, unfulfilled and because of the pedestals we have placed them on they seem to fall harder. Are they really any different than any other couple struggling to find the elusive thing that makes them happy? That makes them want to get up in the morning, that makes them want to contribute to the bigger picture?
They are no different than us but now every move they make, every bad hair day, every date, everything they do the world will see and judge. If it were me under that intense spot light I imagine my paparazzi pictures would be so terrible....I'd be crying like the cowardly lion or looking like the BEFORE picture in magazines. It would be exhausting. I can't imagine having to be so concerned with what anyone else thought about me while I was trying to sort through the personal life changes much less having to worry about justifying myself to anyone else. It truly would be exhausting. I guess it's good I'm not a celebrity!
I thought about this a lot this weekend, how we always feel like we are so alone in our own thoughts and emotions. We feel like we are the ONLY ones going through whatever we are going through and when you talk to someone you realize others may feel the same way and suddenly you don't feel so bad. Isn't that a song? It's a relief to know you are not alone, at least it is for me. I always feel more justified when I realize I am not alone in how I am thinking or feeling....it helps me to move on, to get past things. It gives me hope.
I think we always look for ways to define and re-define who we are.....and to know who we are.
We idolize celebrities, we put them on pedestals. We try to be like them, to look like them, to have their lives and when they fall apart and are all over the news and gossip magazines we realize they are human.....just like us. They make mistakes, they do dumb things, they wear terrible clothes and sometimes, they go out in public with no make-up on. They are as human as we are and we forget to see that. With all the recent celebrity deaths we have had glimpses into these idol's lives and suddenly we find out they are just like us. They love, they suffer, they care, they cry....they are just like us. It's strange how we don't really see that. I imagine people who are thrust into the spotlight must really struggle because they must go through a roller coaster of odd emotions and struggle with trying to figure out who they are all over again.
We judge these people so much differently than we do ourselves. We expect them to be model perfect people all of the time and when they don't live up to those standards we are so disappointed and we become so judgemental of them. Why else would gossip magazines be so popular?
Recent news headlines have been about Jon & Kate and their divorce. Really? How is that news? 60% of marriages fail and just because they have a TV show it's news? How about the hundreds of people that file every single day. Suddenly when their lives fall apart just like anyone else we make it news. They are unhappy, sad, unfulfilled and because of the pedestals we have placed them on they seem to fall harder. Are they really any different than any other couple struggling to find the elusive thing that makes them happy? That makes them want to get up in the morning, that makes them want to contribute to the bigger picture?
They are no different than us but now every move they make, every bad hair day, every date, everything they do the world will see and judge. If it were me under that intense spot light I imagine my paparazzi pictures would be so terrible....I'd be crying like the cowardly lion or looking like the BEFORE picture in magazines. It would be exhausting. I can't imagine having to be so concerned with what anyone else thought about me while I was trying to sort through the personal life changes much less having to worry about justifying myself to anyone else. It truly would be exhausting. I guess it's good I'm not a celebrity!
I thought about this a lot this weekend, how we always feel like we are so alone in our own thoughts and emotions. We feel like we are the ONLY ones going through whatever we are going through and when you talk to someone you realize others may feel the same way and suddenly you don't feel so bad. Isn't that a song? It's a relief to know you are not alone, at least it is for me. I always feel more justified when I realize I am not alone in how I am thinking or feeling....it helps me to move on, to get past things. It gives me hope.
I think we always look for ways to define and re-define who we are.....and to know who we are.
Monday, July 20, 2009
More questions than answers
I know there is some point in time, in our lives that we some how know the answers to the questions that are being asked. That like a class lecture you finally understand.....we will understand the questions being asked of us and actually be able to answer them. I wonder then, is that it. Is that the end? If we are no longer searching or looking for the answers to the eternal unanswered question what left is there to do? Is that when it all stops, ends, ceases to exist?
Recent changes here at work are going to provide me with some new opportunities that will hopefully by year end or even early next year put me in a position to change jobs completely or to at least be in the position to demand more money for what it is I am doing....is demand the right word? Possibly plead, beg, suggest.....regardless, my boss is doing right by me. He is most certainly providing the opportunities he promised and I am willing to do them and not ask for more money...yet. It's really a win/win. They get me to do more work for no money, I get to hone and learn some new skills without fear of failing in a position.....eventually we will have to meet in the middle and come to some type of financial understanding.....right? Another question that is unanswered.
I had a girls weekend with my crafty friends. This is our second annual weekend and I really really enjoyed it. I haven't been able to let my creative, crafty side out since we were up there last year in August because of life and school and such so it was great to unleash it again. We go up to my friends cabin and there is a phone, TV, Internet there but no cell phone coverage until we go into the town of Ely...which we only did twice. It's kind of a jolt to my system to have no texting for days but it was good. We laughed so much....over dumb stuff too. Over words, over our mistakes, over life.
It was good to just be with people who you can let down your guard with and just be your nasty old self. No make up, didn't do my hair, had on my lazy Oh God I hope no one see's me in these clothes on and it felt freeing!! Drank a little wine, ate a lot of bad food and overall spent the day doing whatever I creatively wanted to do....is that even a word? Went for a little nature walk, not a fan of the bugs and such but whatever. Went for a four wheel ride which I normally love and would be sad to end but it was unusually cold....even for me. I had to put my hoodie hood up and it was still too cold. Burr....how is it 58 degrees in July? I love zipping along on a four wheeler, feels like all your cares and woes just fly off as the world zips by. Nice.
I feel like my home life is in this hurry up and wait mode. I get home toss down the days stuff and never seem to get it all in place or organized like I want, I keep saying I'll do that later and honestly....where does the time go to? When I get home I am usually too tired to do anything at all. Yesterday I got back home about 5:30/6. After 3 trips in with crap from the weekend I was a couch potato. I couldn't even muster up enough energy to make dinner....I ate whatever was handy and ready to go. Veggies, a left over chicken breast, pretzels and some nuts. Not very appealing but at least I wasn't starving any more.
Listened to music probably 99% of the weekend....a fun station that played blasts from the past mixed in with today's top music. Went from Lady Ga Ga's Poker Face to Laura Brannagan belting out Gloria. Kinda of a mind trick really.
Now I am back at work, trying to get my arms wrapped around my new/improved job and trying to get though 317 emails.....how can so many people need to communicate so much to me in two days off!?!
Recent changes here at work are going to provide me with some new opportunities that will hopefully by year end or even early next year put me in a position to change jobs completely or to at least be in the position to demand more money for what it is I am doing....is demand the right word? Possibly plead, beg, suggest.....regardless, my boss is doing right by me. He is most certainly providing the opportunities he promised and I am willing to do them and not ask for more money...yet. It's really a win/win. They get me to do more work for no money, I get to hone and learn some new skills without fear of failing in a position.....eventually we will have to meet in the middle and come to some type of financial understanding.....right? Another question that is unanswered.
I had a girls weekend with my crafty friends. This is our second annual weekend and I really really enjoyed it. I haven't been able to let my creative, crafty side out since we were up there last year in August because of life and school and such so it was great to unleash it again. We go up to my friends cabin and there is a phone, TV, Internet there but no cell phone coverage until we go into the town of Ely...which we only did twice. It's kind of a jolt to my system to have no texting for days but it was good. We laughed so much....over dumb stuff too. Over words, over our mistakes, over life.
It was good to just be with people who you can let down your guard with and just be your nasty old self. No make up, didn't do my hair, had on my lazy Oh God I hope no one see's me in these clothes on and it felt freeing!! Drank a little wine, ate a lot of bad food and overall spent the day doing whatever I creatively wanted to do....is that even a word? Went for a little nature walk, not a fan of the bugs and such but whatever. Went for a four wheel ride which I normally love and would be sad to end but it was unusually cold....even for me. I had to put my hoodie hood up and it was still too cold. Burr....how is it 58 degrees in July? I love zipping along on a four wheeler, feels like all your cares and woes just fly off as the world zips by. Nice.
I feel like my home life is in this hurry up and wait mode. I get home toss down the days stuff and never seem to get it all in place or organized like I want, I keep saying I'll do that later and honestly....where does the time go to? When I get home I am usually too tired to do anything at all. Yesterday I got back home about 5:30/6. After 3 trips in with crap from the weekend I was a couch potato. I couldn't even muster up enough energy to make dinner....I ate whatever was handy and ready to go. Veggies, a left over chicken breast, pretzels and some nuts. Not very appealing but at least I wasn't starving any more.
Listened to music probably 99% of the weekend....a fun station that played blasts from the past mixed in with today's top music. Went from Lady Ga Ga's Poker Face to Laura Brannagan belting out Gloria. Kinda of a mind trick really.
Now I am back at work, trying to get my arms wrapped around my new/improved job and trying to get though 317 emails.....how can so many people need to communicate so much to me in two days off!?!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Where are you most comfortable?
I was walking into work today with one of our HR people. She is a reserved, quiet, gentle lady and I have always kind of been an "out loud" kind of person.....ying and yang. We did the normal mindless chit chat and I said I'm looking forward to 11 a.m. because I am suppose to be on PTO, it's girls weekend. I proceeded to tell her about my upcoming weekend with my crafty ladies. I explained that we go to my friend's cabin right outside of Ely and it's peaceful and quiet and how I like to get up early and watch the fog rise off the lakes and listen to the loons. She looked at me and couldn't have been more shocked. She said, I can't imagine you would be comfortable there, that you could even handle the quiet. I laughed....then she said, I can't imagine you being any place that doesn't involve a big crowd.
Hmm. That made me think....where are we most comfortable? I think most of the time I like a big crowd because I'm not alone, I like the hub bub, I like to people watch but there is something so peaceful and relaxing and calming about being up at my friends cabin that really settles my soul. I don't know what it is but I really, really look forward to it. Partially it's the company, I don't get to see this group of ladies very often and we do spend a good part of our weekend just laughing...I mean really laughing. All the cares of the world seem to disappear. It's heavenly.
So where are we most comfortable? Is it possible it changes with the people we are with? Does it change with our moods? with time? I know sometimes I am most comfortable just sitting on my couch staring out the window watching the world go by and other times I feel like I will go absolutely stir crazy if I have to be alone one more minute. Aren't we complicated ducks?
I get confused when people make statements to me that feel like they are true and the people don't really know me. Like this HR person. I mean I've known her on a work level for many many years and I think I must be the same person at work that I am in life otherwise how could she know me and yet not really know me. I know some people who have completely different work personalities and home personalities and I think my God....how complicated would that be? I mean I can be the professional me when I have to be....when I'm out representing (I hope you read that like it was gangster like talk.....cause that's how I wrote it!) and then there is the only me I know how to be. I don't want to be judged for it, or fixed, or anything....I just want to be accepted for what I am. God that sounds like a really bad song.
This is going to be the first time in a long time I don't have to rush back from a weekend and DO something...homework, laundry, clean, work....it's going to be so strange. I really have to learn how to live a new lifestyle without all those odd demands.
Well I am off to rejuvenate my soul.....pictures to follow!!
Oh.....and from the Universe today comes this.....LOVE it!
Hmm. That made me think....where are we most comfortable? I think most of the time I like a big crowd because I'm not alone, I like the hub bub, I like to people watch but there is something so peaceful and relaxing and calming about being up at my friends cabin that really settles my soul. I don't know what it is but I really, really look forward to it. Partially it's the company, I don't get to see this group of ladies very often and we do spend a good part of our weekend just laughing...I mean really laughing. All the cares of the world seem to disappear. It's heavenly.
So where are we most comfortable? Is it possible it changes with the people we are with? Does it change with our moods? with time? I know sometimes I am most comfortable just sitting on my couch staring out the window watching the world go by and other times I feel like I will go absolutely stir crazy if I have to be alone one more minute. Aren't we complicated ducks?
I get confused when people make statements to me that feel like they are true and the people don't really know me. Like this HR person. I mean I've known her on a work level for many many years and I think I must be the same person at work that I am in life otherwise how could she know me and yet not really know me. I know some people who have completely different work personalities and home personalities and I think my God....how complicated would that be? I mean I can be the professional me when I have to be....when I'm out representing (I hope you read that like it was gangster like talk.....cause that's how I wrote it!) and then there is the only me I know how to be. I don't want to be judged for it, or fixed, or anything....I just want to be accepted for what I am. God that sounds like a really bad song.
This is going to be the first time in a long time I don't have to rush back from a weekend and DO something...homework, laundry, clean, work....it's going to be so strange. I really have to learn how to live a new lifestyle without all those odd demands.
Well I am off to rejuvenate my soul.....pictures to follow!!
Oh.....and from the Universe today comes this.....LOVE it!
Every single minute of every single day, they're there.
They may be hidden behind circumstances, people, or light poles. Challenges, closed doors, or lost keys. Camouflaged, dovetailed, or whispering. Purring, kissing, or hissing. But more often than not they're laying about in the open, under a clear blue sky, in plain view. Absolutely. Guaranteed. You'd throttle me otherwise.10,000 reasons to be happy.
Jumanji, baby -
The Universe
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Gratitude
I found this website that talks about adding abundance to your life. The writer talks about ways to add abundance to your everyday life, to be thankful for what you have and where you are at. She suggests starting a Gratitude Journal.
Each night before you go to bed you have to write down 5 things you are grateful for. In her words "
"Gratitude is the heart's memory."
So I got a fancy new journal. I love journals...I love the blank, open pages that allow me to fill them with whatever I choose. So after a rather crappy week, I started my gratitude journal. I must admit, it's kind of a nice way to end the day, to be thinking about the POSITIVES of the day vs. the negatives.
I wonder though, can I be grateful everyday for five new things? This might be a bit of a challenge.
The only difference between an extraordinary life and an ordinary one is the extraordinary pleasure you find in ordinary things.
Each night before you go to bed you have to write down 5 things you are grateful for. In her words "
As the months pass and you fill your journal with blessings, an inner shift in your reality will occur. Soon you will be delighted to discover how content and hopeful you feel. As you focus on the abundance rather than on the lack in your life, you will be designing a wonderful new blueprint for the future. This sense of fulfillment is gratitude at work, transforming your dreams into reality."
"Gratitude is the heart's memory."
So I got a fancy new journal. I love journals...I love the blank, open pages that allow me to fill them with whatever I choose. So after a rather crappy week, I started my gratitude journal. I must admit, it's kind of a nice way to end the day, to be thinking about the POSITIVES of the day vs. the negatives.
I wonder though, can I be grateful everyday for five new things? This might be a bit of a challenge.
The only difference between an extraordinary life and an ordinary one is the extraordinary pleasure you find in ordinary things.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Even Eagles Need a Push
"The eagle gently coaxed her offspring toward the edge of the nest. Her heart quivered with conflicting emotions as she felt their resistance to her persistent nudging. “Why does the thrill of soaring have to begin with the fear of falling?” she thought. This ageless question was still unanswered for her.
As in tradition of the species, her nest was located high on the shelf of a sheer rock face. Below there was nothing but air to support the wings of each child. “Is it possible that this time it will not work?” she thought. Despite her fears, the eagle knew it was time, her parental mission was all but complete. There remained one final task – THE PUSH.
The eagle drew courage from an innate wisdom. Until her children discovered their wings, there was no purpose for their lives outside the nest. Until they learned to soar, they would fail to understand the privilege it was to have been born an eagle. The push was the greatest gift she had to offer. It was her supreme act of love. And so, one by one, she pushed them and they flew.
We must remember that success begins when we understand that life is about growing; it is about acquiring the knowledge and skills we need to live more fully and effectively."
Isn't it funny the lessons we learn about life from animals? I wonder if it's because they don't play into the fear and games humans do. Animals don't try to out dress each other, they don't worry about the "haves" and "have not's", they simply exist. How do we learn to live more fully and effectively.
There is a book by David McNally called - Even Eagles Need a Push: Learning to Soar in a Changing World. The premise is pretty much the same as the story above....it's about learning to find the meaning and purpose of your own life. It talks about events that happen in our own lives that push us to higher levels both personally and professionally. No eagle is born an eagle, we have to push ourselves to higher levels and it's a hard long road. It gives me some sort of comfort to know that people, even accomplished, successful people have struggled along the same path/road and persevered and found their passion.
Like an eagle, we must continue on our path, leaping and expecting the net to appear.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Staying the course is NOT the same as clinging to HOW
Yesterday I watched a small bird, flying very fast, disappear into the canopy of an oak tree. So dense were its leaves that it was impossible to see what happened next, though I can tell you it remained inside.
I wondered how the little bird found its opening through the leaves at such a speed, and then managed to gently align its fragile body on the branch it chose to land upon, all within a fraction of a second. Not to mention the impossible to imagine flying maneuvers required: the banking, the curling, the vertical and horizontal stabilization's, the deceleration and landing.
Memory? Calculation? Not in that tiny brain. Instinct? Maybe, but how does instinct know which way the branches of a tree have grown when no two are the same?
That little bird just knew. It had faith, in spite of not being able to see how things would work out, that if (and only if) it stayed the course the details would be taken care of; that an opening would appear and a twig would be found. In fact, had she slowed down enough to carefully and logically inspect the tree first, the prudent thing to do, she would have lost her lift and fallen to the ground.
Kind of like reaching for your dreams. Neither memory, nor calculating, nor instincts are the deciding factors, but faith coupled with action.
Tallyho,
The Universe
Kind of like "Leap and the net will appear" kind of thinking. How does one garner the FAITH kind of thinking one needs to move confidently forward in life?
Officially now I am done with school. The final papers are done, the grades are officially posted, the party is over and now....now the rest of my life must move forward and hopefully in a direction that validates and utilizes what I've spent the last few years of my life pursuing. It's a daunting task. I wonder if kids feel this much pressure when they graduate college right from high school? Maybe they don't have all the life expectations that us "oldies" have. The life pressures we have put upon ourselves.
I always think things will get easier, that I'll figure it all out, that somehow I'll wake up and things will magically be better, different, easier.....but the reality is, it's not. It sure is hard to be an adult!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
My own words
I like catch phrases. Words or sentenes that seem to fit any type of situation such as: sweet, fantastic, super fantastic, ass hat. I love using unique phrases to describe everyday events.
I've now discovered how much joy I get out of hearing other people then use my made up phrases out loud in normal conversations. Really, really brings me joy. Now I can't take credit for the phrases I use, some of them I've clearly stolen or adopted from others, some I have made up and some I just heard and adjusted and really feel like they fit everyday situations.
Some of my very favorites include, but are not limited to:
Words create impressions, images and expectations. They help us build psychological connections and they surley influence how we think. Since thoughts determine actions, there's a powerful connection between the words we use and the results we get.
I've now discovered how much joy I get out of hearing other people then use my made up phrases out loud in normal conversations. Really, really brings me joy. Now I can't take credit for the phrases I use, some of them I've clearly stolen or adopted from others, some I have made up and some I just heard and adjusted and really feel like they fit everyday situations.
Some of my very favorites include, but are not limited to:
- Ass hat - used to describe bad behaving men folks (sorry, it's true)
- Super fantastic! - usually used to over emphasis the greatness of something such as the new candy display on my desk.
- You wish I were fatter so there was more of me to hate - no explanation needed
- Whatever - said with a sarcastic tone as if you are 4 years old
- J-hole - used inplace of curse words when children are present and you are suffering from road rage.....try saying it...JHOLE....it just feels right.
- The - as in THE Cub, THE Target, THE Byerlys....you get the point
- I'm just saying - when you are trying to tell someone something and worried it will hurt their feelings. Ex: Did you mean to do that to your hair? I'm just saying.....
Words create impressions, images and expectations. They help us build psychological connections and they surley influence how we think. Since thoughts determine actions, there's a powerful connection between the words we use and the results we get.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Validation
Last night was my first official Tuesday without school. I have waited for this moment, dreamed about this time and thought about it for years....and here it was...finally. It came without hoopla and faded into the night like any other day. Kind of a let down really. I guess I had hoped it would somehow be monumental....but the reality is, it's just another day.
I've been spending a great deal of thought lately on my own path. About finding it, being on it, falling off it, figuring it out and overall just the age old question...how do you know you're on the right path?
I woke up this morning at 3am bright eyed and bushy tailed, I went to bed about 11 pm and apparently I can exist on 4 hours of sleep?? Not really but my brain thinks I can. I woke up with my brain just racing. I can't seem to stop thinking and once it starts I'm done for. Ugh. Funny though the Universe always seems to know what to say to me:
I don't think we are suppose to stay still too long or to stay on one path forever. I think the idea is to keep moving, to keep looking, to keep on doing something that shakes things up a bit otherwise we get lost in the mundane everydayness of routine. Isn't that what finding a path is about, breaking up the routine, the mundane, the same-old-same old? Do we sometimes stumble across a new path because we are bored with where we are?
If I look around me I feel like everyone has a path, a purpose, a greater good.....I feel like there is some rule book that everyone has read and I am not allowed to even see the cover. It's an uncomfortable place to exist in. I need something new, something challenging, something to motivate me to keep on moving...right now I kind of just want to lay down and do nothing. It's probably just a phase, I'm sure I'll get motivated and start to move again but until I do it's hard to be in this place. Feel like I am going no where but really fast. When did I get so old?
I need to find the path and start walking along to see what happens. I think a theme song might help.
I've been spending a great deal of thought lately on my own path. About finding it, being on it, falling off it, figuring it out and overall just the age old question...how do you know you're on the right path?
I woke up this morning at 3am bright eyed and bushy tailed, I went to bed about 11 pm and apparently I can exist on 4 hours of sleep?? Not really but my brain thinks I can. I woke up with my brain just racing. I can't seem to stop thinking and once it starts I'm done for. Ugh. Funny though the Universe always seems to know what to say to me:
Hold your ponies! Everything you've ever dreamed of, lies on the path you're now on.
Hi Ho Silver,
The Universe
I don't think we are suppose to stay still too long or to stay on one path forever. I think the idea is to keep moving, to keep looking, to keep on doing something that shakes things up a bit otherwise we get lost in the mundane everydayness of routine. Isn't that what finding a path is about, breaking up the routine, the mundane, the same-old-same old? Do we sometimes stumble across a new path because we are bored with where we are?
If I look around me I feel like everyone has a path, a purpose, a greater good.....I feel like there is some rule book that everyone has read and I am not allowed to even see the cover. It's an uncomfortable place to exist in. I need something new, something challenging, something to motivate me to keep on moving...right now I kind of just want to lay down and do nothing. It's probably just a phase, I'm sure I'll get motivated and start to move again but until I do it's hard to be in this place. Feel like I am going no where but really fast. When did I get so old?
I need to find the path and start walking along to see what happens. I think a theme song might help.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
No idea what I am doing
It's going to take me a while to settle into a new routine. I realize it's really easy, at least it is for me, to ADD things to my life or my schedule or my day but taking things away really messes with me. I really don't know what to do with myself if I'm not preparing for the next thing. How do people live like this?
Last night I discovered TV again...well sort of....I got done with the ET and did a little cleaning then had nothing to do by 8:30 p.m........nothing. Usually I was doing homework or fine tuning homework or rushing to do research and there I was with NOTHING to do....so I turned on the TV. I forgot how many celebs have recently left us. There was some show on talking about why people feel so connected to celebs and why their death effects fans so much. I sort of tuned out but it made me think alot about why we connect to celebs. I can only speak for me but I always felt connected to in someway to someone who I thought would be fun to hang out with, someone who said or did things that made me think we could totally be bff's.....or they were totally hot. Like Antonio Banderas....he's just beautiful.
I think it's interesting when someone dies how you start to hear so much more about their life, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's really sort of sad how they really turn out to be really just like me in the end. They all seem to want the same thing, companionship, love, attention, friends, fame, money......just like any other person...they just somehow got lucky and got to be on a different track...but they mostly don't seem any happier or content than anyone I know who isn't a celeb. What a strange realization....they are just real people. Huh...who would have guessed that?
All I am hearing on the news and TV is about Michael Jackson's memorial, I realize it's for the living...for the grieving, for the world to say good bye but I say let the man rest in peace. Now I hear tickets to his memorial are being sold on EBay? Wild. It's crazy to me. He is gone, he doesn't have a clue what anyone thinks or feels yet he is still top news.
Although my message from The Universe sure ties into this:
"When we choose not to focus on what's missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present...we experience heaven on earth."
Last night I discovered TV again...well sort of....I got done with the ET and did a little cleaning then had nothing to do by 8:30 p.m........nothing. Usually I was doing homework or fine tuning homework or rushing to do research and there I was with NOTHING to do....so I turned on the TV. I forgot how many celebs have recently left us. There was some show on talking about why people feel so connected to celebs and why their death effects fans so much. I sort of tuned out but it made me think alot about why we connect to celebs. I can only speak for me but I always felt connected to in someway to someone who I thought would be fun to hang out with, someone who said or did things that made me think we could totally be bff's.....or they were totally hot. Like Antonio Banderas....he's just beautiful.
I think it's interesting when someone dies how you start to hear so much more about their life, the good, the bad and the ugly. It's really sort of sad how they really turn out to be really just like me in the end. They all seem to want the same thing, companionship, love, attention, friends, fame, money......just like any other person...they just somehow got lucky and got to be on a different track...but they mostly don't seem any happier or content than anyone I know who isn't a celeb. What a strange realization....they are just real people. Huh...who would have guessed that?
All I am hearing on the news and TV is about Michael Jackson's memorial, I realize it's for the living...for the grieving, for the world to say good bye but I say let the man rest in peace. Now I hear tickets to his memorial are being sold on EBay? Wild. It's crazy to me. He is gone, he doesn't have a clue what anyone thinks or feels yet he is still top news.
Although my message from The Universe sure ties into this:
And they shall say there once lived someone who had little idea of how they changed everything.One person can change so much and they don't even know it. Is it possible to change things even as an average everyday person? Can each and everyone of us actually change things and not even realize it? If we don't realize it, how does anyone know it changed? It's like one of those number puzzles, you keep shifting the numbers around until they are all finally in order.
They will.
And, you have.
Tallyho,
The Universe
"When we choose not to focus on what's missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present...we experience heaven on earth."
Monday, July 6, 2009
Not feeling so alone
I had all of last week off, away from my regular job and since I am done with school the only real commitment, if you can call it that at all, was my job at the ET. I like that job. It doesn't really feel like a JOB.....it is work and some days it's way more work that I expect but overall I enjoy it.
Being that I had some time, I realized a few things. I am not as alone as I thought I was/am.
Not that I feel ALONE alone, just sort of alone in the way I think, I feel.....I guess in the way I am. I had no time constraints for an entire week....other than making a movie time or getting kicked out when the bar closed...hee hee. I enjoyed time with friends I don't normally get to spend time with and even though it wasn't pool playing weather, it was delightful. I had my 6 year old nephew for a few days, I played, I slept, I ate dinner in new places and overall I really enjoyed the week. I realized in talking with some new, different, strangers and friends that what I feel, think and am doing is really the same thing that pretty much everyone else is doing. Oddly, it made me feel less alone than I have felt before.
I am in a new phase of life, I am trying to hone and figure out what I WANT and what I want TO DO and what I want TO BE and I think it's time I start to hear my own voice. I need to learn to hear what it is I am trying to say....not what everyone else is saying or pointing me to.
For so long I have flitted along on some path, some road that someone else has walked and I blindly followed along thinking I would some how catch on, that I would connect, that I would belong but I realized that isn't going to happen. I have to find my OWN path...I have to make my OWN mistakes, I have to wander and fall and stumble and learn and grow all on my own. If I constantly wait for someone else to take the lead I'll still be here in this muddled mess for ever.
It's hard to be an adult. It's hard to try to forge your own path. It's especially hard when some of the people who have been in your life for so long don't want you to go on the journey. They are comfortable with you where you are. It's not like they are purposely trying to stop you but if you move on to something new and you grow and change it leaves things different...I know, I've been on the other end of that scenario a hundred times. I always feel like I am the one being left behind....but now for the first time I feel like I am actually leading the charge. I am taking the reigns of my own life and forging ahead.
I have no idea where I am going or what I will do, all I know is I can't stay here, in this place, this moment, this......life any more. It has to change.
The year of NO RULES has really been pushing me in new directions....I don't always like or enjoy what's happening but I am trusting it's all part of the bigger picture.
I had a week's worth of messages from The Universe waiting in my email and this is the one that really spoke to me the most:
It's time to find out how badly I'll get hurt IF I fall.
Being that I had some time, I realized a few things. I am not as alone as I thought I was/am.
Not that I feel ALONE alone, just sort of alone in the way I think, I feel.....I guess in the way I am. I had no time constraints for an entire week....other than making a movie time or getting kicked out when the bar closed...hee hee. I enjoyed time with friends I don't normally get to spend time with and even though it wasn't pool playing weather, it was delightful. I had my 6 year old nephew for a few days, I played, I slept, I ate dinner in new places and overall I really enjoyed the week. I realized in talking with some new, different, strangers and friends that what I feel, think and am doing is really the same thing that pretty much everyone else is doing. Oddly, it made me feel less alone than I have felt before.
I am in a new phase of life, I am trying to hone and figure out what I WANT and what I want TO DO and what I want TO BE and I think it's time I start to hear my own voice. I need to learn to hear what it is I am trying to say....not what everyone else is saying or pointing me to.
For so long I have flitted along on some path, some road that someone else has walked and I blindly followed along thinking I would some how catch on, that I would connect, that I would belong but I realized that isn't going to happen. I have to find my OWN path...I have to make my OWN mistakes, I have to wander and fall and stumble and learn and grow all on my own. If I constantly wait for someone else to take the lead I'll still be here in this muddled mess for ever.
It's hard to be an adult. It's hard to try to forge your own path. It's especially hard when some of the people who have been in your life for so long don't want you to go on the journey. They are comfortable with you where you are. It's not like they are purposely trying to stop you but if you move on to something new and you grow and change it leaves things different...I know, I've been on the other end of that scenario a hundred times. I always feel like I am the one being left behind....but now for the first time I feel like I am actually leading the charge. I am taking the reigns of my own life and forging ahead.
I have no idea where I am going or what I will do, all I know is I can't stay here, in this place, this moment, this......life any more. It has to change.
The year of NO RULES has really been pushing me in new directions....I don't always like or enjoy what's happening but I am trusting it's all part of the bigger picture.
I had a week's worth of messages from The Universe waiting in my email and this is the one that really spoke to me the most:
What if you did have the power, the reach, and the glory?
What if you were given dominion over all things?
And what if eternity lay before you, brimming with love, friends, and laughter?
Yet still, one day, in all your radiance, bubbling over with giddy excitement, you tripped, fell, and got hurt - really hurt.
Would you give up on all of your dreams? Would you hate yourself? Would you forget life's magic and promise?
Or would you shrug it off, look ahead, and exclaim that it's "just a flesh wound"?
Touché,
The Universe
It's time to find out how badly I'll get hurt IF I fall.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Lessons from the movies
I realize there are lessons in everyday situations but when you go to a kids movie with a bunch of kids and watch a movie, it's a different experience.
I've been on vacation the last week...a "staycation". I didn't go anywhere but did spend some days doing some retail therapy and totallying enjoying the fact that I have no homework, no outside commitments...nothing happening.
I spent last Tuesday with some friends.....not at school and not avoiding homework......but chillaxing over some cocktails....nice. I can easily get used to this life.
Today I have my 6 year old nephew and we went to go see the new Ice Age movie. It gave me great joy that he shushed these talkers as the movie started...so proud. The movie is great and it has a message for the adults as well but enough action and silly stuff that kids enjoy it too. Those writers are good...plus it was in 3D so it was really fun.
The movie made me a little sad, the one dude Diago (the lion) was dealing with aging and another with being alone as his friends moved on in life with family and different priorities and I hate to admit it but it made me a little sad. Not because it's what I want but that a cartoon could evoke those kind of emotions from me.
My nephew was so cute....he'd seen the movie once so when there was a potential "scary" part (it did have dinosaurs in it) he'd snuggle in with me and make me put my arm around him. How quickly they grow out of that stage and moment. He was sweet and kind and now...he's turned into some kind of unrecognizable demon...he's literally jumping around and his new big thing is he likes to hit. He just randomly walks up and hits you.....no reason...just hits....it's not attractive.
Don't know how parents do this....how they get through this part of the night where the kids sort of unwind before bed. It's kinda exhausting.
It amazes me how much money people spend as a family at a movie....our movie was $21 for our tickets......$21!!!!! There were several groups of families there....add to that the movie snacks they purchase and my God.....that's outrageous. Crazy.
Well here's hoping we get through this night and tomorrow without incident.
I've been on vacation the last week...a "staycation". I didn't go anywhere but did spend some days doing some retail therapy and totallying enjoying the fact that I have no homework, no outside commitments...nothing happening.
I spent last Tuesday with some friends.....not at school and not avoiding homework......but chillaxing over some cocktails....nice. I can easily get used to this life.
Today I have my 6 year old nephew and we went to go see the new Ice Age movie. It gave me great joy that he shushed these talkers as the movie started...so proud. The movie is great and it has a message for the adults as well but enough action and silly stuff that kids enjoy it too. Those writers are good...plus it was in 3D so it was really fun.
The movie made me a little sad, the one dude Diago (the lion) was dealing with aging and another with being alone as his friends moved on in life with family and different priorities and I hate to admit it but it made me a little sad. Not because it's what I want but that a cartoon could evoke those kind of emotions from me.
My nephew was so cute....he'd seen the movie once so when there was a potential "scary" part (it did have dinosaurs in it) he'd snuggle in with me and make me put my arm around him. How quickly they grow out of that stage and moment. He was sweet and kind and now...he's turned into some kind of unrecognizable demon...he's literally jumping around and his new big thing is he likes to hit. He just randomly walks up and hits you.....no reason...just hits....it's not attractive.
Don't know how parents do this....how they get through this part of the night where the kids sort of unwind before bed. It's kinda exhausting.
It amazes me how much money people spend as a family at a movie....our movie was $21 for our tickets......$21!!!!! There were several groups of families there....add to that the movie snacks they purchase and my God.....that's outrageous. Crazy.
Well here's hoping we get through this night and tomorrow without incident.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)