I know we all do this...we wait to live...we wait to start our lives...we wait. If only this would happen then I could be happy......when I have more money I'll do this, when I have better friends I'll do this....holes...these are all holes that fill our lives. If we aren't careful they can consume and take over your life. If we focus too much on these things, one begins to see a life full of holes....nothing to do but try to fill them in. The past few days have been about filling those spaces - at least for me.
I finally completed the move! I was surprised at the emotional attachment I had to my old apt. Old 409 really held a place in my heart I didn't give it credit for. I had a minor moment on Friday after I shut the door for the last time. It felt like a ending....a real ending. Isn't that weird to have such an attachment to a place. Nothing major happened in that space except it was some place I was learning to be me again....learning to try to figure out who I was, who I am and better yet who I want to be. Still not there but it was the place I began. Maybe that's why it feels so much like an ending. I literally closed the door on that part of my life.
One nice thing is I finally made the decision to get rid of almost everything that was from my old life....well furniture-wise anyway. I have never done that before...it was scary and hard and painful and it still sort of feels like I want to call these people up and make them bring back my stuff but I'm not....that's silly....right? I did buy new stuff and once it finally arrives I hope these feelings of an odd attachment to things will slip away. Is it just me or do people feel an odd sense of attachment to material possession's....never mind......I know it's just me.
I am almost all settled (minus no furniture) in my new place and it feels like I am living in a hotel or a model home. It's so different from other places I've lived....not just because it's pretty empty but there is a whole different feel to my home now. I'm happy here....it feels like I'm cursing myself by saying that out loud. I'm happy in my new space. It feels more open, inviting, like I can breath. It's a lot of space for just me. My first instinct is to fill it up....I've really pushed myself NOT to do that. I have enough up to make me content but not too much...well not for me anyway. It feels really grown up too. I feel like for the first time in my whole life I have a "big girls home"! Maybe it's the colors (rich earth tones) or the cool entry wall, or maybe it's the theme (sort of African/Moroccan) and maybe it's the fact that I am going to have brand spanking new furniture, but it all feels so much more grown up then I have ever had. Usually I take what I've had and make it work in the space. This is the first time I've actually gotten into the space and then find stuff to work in the space. Wild.
My friends blog contained this quote - First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging. It's funny because I had been thinking about all the holes we create in our own life and especially as I was cleaning the old place I realized how full of holes the walls are when all your stuff is gone and then I see his blog with this quote. The Universe sure does connect people for a reason doesn't it? Sometimes we don't even realize we are in a hole until we try to get out.....there isn't enough caulk for some lives.
I still need to paint my bedroom and bathroom because I can't live in white walls but overall I feel pretty settled, I'm pretty well unpacked and organized. I can't live in chaos very long. I don't like having things out of my control but I realize there are many things we can't control like a pipe bursting in the auditorium one week before a major meeting where people are coming in from around the states, members/speakers booking the wrong arrival time, Power Points needing to be redone and redone and redone, needing to get 2007/2008 figures that no one can seem to provide all while trying to do all the mundane everyday tasks of one's job. It's crazy, it's busy, it's job security at the very least but does it have to be all at once? I guess the positive is I only have to take care of me - although right now that even seems like a lot of work.
I wouldn't mind someone else stepping up to the plate for the next few weeks...at least until this meeting is done on January 28th!!!
Who says I don't need a wife!?
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