It's hard to know what to do some days. It's hard to know what path to take, what door to open, what thing to pursue....it's just hard. Life should come with an appendix or an instruction manual. If G happens see M, N or P. If Z happens...your screwed. It's hard to know when to leap and hope that net is there and when to turn back and try another way.
I realize alot of what I am feeling right now is just pure overwhelment (is that a word?) at everything going on right now. Work is insane, two huge meetings this week, one dozy of a meeting at the end of the month that is making me insane. It's like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall to get people to make a decision. I can only work in ambiguity for so long. If one more person says to me "oooh yeah, I forgot to tell you..." I'm going to hurt them...seriously people. Think outside your bubble for two seconds. And is it so much to ask someone to bring me a cup of coffee once in awhile? Seriously! The move, school, lack of any type of personal time....it all adds up.
I realize I am doubting myself a lot lately. I don't trust my own voice, my decisions, my thoughts......nothing. I get into these phases once in awhile and I wish someone else were in charge of my life so they could just TELL me what to do, say, wear, be.....eat. It's hard to be me. I realize that's not the answer but sometimes it sure would be nice to have someone else be in charge of me.....even for a day.
School is adding an additional layer of stress for me right now but after class last night, the first of 8, I feel a little relieved. The teacher so far is pretty amazing. She has an amazing life story that she shared pretty openly.....she was a Jehovah Witness and chose to leave that life, she was stolen as a child and suffered multiple forms of abuse and yet here she is, standing strong before us telling us we can do anything we want to as long as we try....as long as we jump in with both feet and don't limit ourselves. What any of that has to do with Accounting or Finance is arbitrary but she obviously loves to teach and share her message and I think I'll learn a lot from her not only about accounting but about life in general. She really got me thinking last night.
We put so many road blocks up for ourselves...we limit our own happiness and most of the time are the ones who put so many should not's or can not's in our own path that it's hard to get past ourselves. I have been saying for awhile now that I'm not living the life I want...but I'm not sure what that life is. I am enjoying the ride a lot more lately than I have in a very long time but I'm still now sure what I am aiming for or moving towards but for now...I'm enjoying the ride. I admire those people who don't limit themselves...who don't put all these rules on themselves about what they should or shouldn't do. Who they should spend their time with, how they live their life.....they just do it...they experience life and seem to be enjoying the ride. I want to be more like that. I have to push myself, I have to push myself outside of my comfort zone, my bubble, my "I'm too scared to try something new" world. Maybe I am scared to live my own life. Dang it.......was my friend right before. Insert fist raised in the air here.
That's what this year is for....for new experiences, new adventures, new rules.....or maybe no rules. Rules are made to be broken so why do I think I need rules. Interesting.
How do you learn to let go and trust yourself?
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