I remember as a kid being so anxious to become an adult, to live my own life...to be on my own. I couldn't wait to have my own house, my own car, my own everything. I thought then I'll really live, I'll do all the things I ever wanted and I'll never let anyone tell me what to do again. What a funny thought when you really think about it. We begin life being told what to do, to be, to think, to feel and as we age we fight against it. We almost become everything opposite of what we grew up learning. We fight to find our own voice, our own values and beliefs and now as an adult I feel even more confused about things that ever.
I kind of want someone to tell me what to do again, what to be, maybe even a little bit what to think and how to feel. I really want someone to make me dinner and draw me a bath but that's a whole other issue! Maybe as I even write this, I think I'm far to stubborn to really turn that entire process over to someone else but it's a freeing thought. It's hard when you have to life life all on your own. Work has been in such a manic mode lately and much of my life too, but the fact that work is so disorganized and led by such dysfunctional people makes it really hard to feel any sense of accomplishment at the end of a day. Needless to say I will be so happy when the end of this week finally gets here and I have some control over my work life again.
On my quote board I wrote "who ever you don't kill makes you stronger" - yeah a little to the point but I like it. Someone suggested I change it to "always trust your cape". I asked what does that mean and she said there is a song by some jazz dude called Keb Mo called that and it talks about trusting that things will work out. So I of course googled it...he's really got a very cool voice, now I must have some music by him, but I did look up the lyrics to the song.
The lyrics go like this: "Be one of those who knows that life Is just a leap of faith. Spread your arms and hold your breath and always trust your cape."
Life is just a leap of faith. Hold your breath.....I think I wrote recently about learning to breath and now this is saying hold your breath and leap. Maybe it's all about breath one way or the other...your either breathing or not...either way it's about letting it go.....right?
I wonder if we need different "capes" for different parts of our life? A cape of armor for work so you don't get chewed up and spit out all day long, a cape of rainbows and puffy clouds for the rest of your life? I used to have a cape....it was a green shiny material....it was a made for me as a joke. A lady I worked with made it for me with a giant CG on it....stood for Clerical Girl! I always felt like that was my role, I was always the "go to" person for any of the crap work/jobs that needed to be done because people knew I could and would do it. Somehow that turned into my job....my life....well maybe not so much my life but it sure is my job. Any of the crap people don't feel like doing themselves or have the "time" to do they seem to think is something I should do because it "adds value" to my own job by doing it. Whatever. Just once I want to have a job that is something more than a dumping post - something that gives me a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. I seem to get that often from part-time jobs I hold....never seem to get it from my full-time gig. Wonder why that is. I felt that way when I worked at Ulta (your beauty destination) and I really feel that at the ET, I feel like what I do makes a difference to people. I want my real job to feel that way too. I guess only I can make that happen.
How do you know when it's time to move on? Are there clear signs you seem to ignore until it smacks you in the face or is there one moment in time that the straw literally breaks the camel's back and you realize it's over, it's time. Do you finally see some door that you never saw before? It's a choice I realize....and really one choice, just one, can change your life forever. Your life today is what your choices have made it, but with new choices, you can change directions this very moment. For me, that idea alone is really scary and at the same time, really powerful. It offers tremendous hope and excitement. I could be sitting on a life-changing choice right now...is it to switch careers, continue on in grad school, to stop drinking (umm no!), adopt a child, to start a business, so many choices....am I brave enough to make any of them?
I need someone/thing to guide me... to take me by then hand and walk with me down a path - why is that a bad thing? Maybe as we get older we revert back to a kid and we wait for someone to tell us what to do, who to be and where to go? Maybe that is The Universe? Maybe it's us?
Where's a girls cape when she really needs it?
No comments:
Post a Comment