Spring - time to renew

A change in seasons always helps shake the dust off the old and lets one begin something new. I am very encouraged by the arrival of warmer weather. I declared myself over winter about a week ago and still haven't gone back to close toed shoes....no matter the weather.

I hear the birds out chirpping their happy little songs each morning, the sun seems to come up earlier and earlier and every once in awhile I can open my windows....it's so close. I find myself being a bit impatient waiting for it. I need it to be here now.

I know things change...and sometimes we don't even realize it until it's happened. I woke up exceptionally early AGAIN today and as I lay there pondering life I realize how subtle sometimes the changes are that sort of start a chain reaction to bigger things.

It's hard to know when to move forward, to pull back or to bury our heads in the sand and wait for things to settle down. Do we risk getting a broken heart by opening ourselves up to love? Do we worry about losing friends by speaking the truth? Is the fear of losing our jobs real? So many things that come to us everyday that can affect (or is it effect?) our own bigger picture.

One of my youngest sisters is getting ready to have a baby...her first and it's been awhile (a little over 6 years) since I've had a new baby to spoil. I have great nieces and nephews having babies but they aren't close enough for me to steal the baby for a night or a weekend. This baby will be within stealing distance....can't wait. Anyway, I laid there and thought about how much her life will change in the blink of an eye. Overnight her world will be transformed. It's not a bad thing, it just is.

I have some friends who have kids and they are on the edge of being young adults (the kids...not the parents) and these people have devoted their whole lives to making sure their kids are safe and secure and taken care of. They make great personal sacrifices and have pretty much put their own life, wants, desires on hold to foster these children into adulthood. I admire that so much and I am also really jealous of that at the same time. I've been teasing a friend of mine lately telling her to have a baby.....I joke about it with her but in the long run it's a HUGE responsibility and commitment. How do people do it? What made me think I could ever do that?

Although, part of me still really wouldn't say no to one.

Bring on the weekend....although it's going to be spent mostly doing homework.....4 weeks left until I can breath again....4 weeks.

Redefining and decisions

Every event, every day many things force us to make decisions. We have to decide what to eat for breakfast, what to wear, what project or task to work on first and socially we make decisions all the time. It's hard to know if we are really making the right decision, we just have to keep on making decisions regardless.

Decisions effect all parts of our life...it disturbs our delicate balance. I hate the fact that making decisions or not making decisions, interferes with my life. It causes me to have to stop and to have to wonder if I am making the "right" decisions.

How do we know if we are making the right decisions? What are the best choices for our lives?

I find that every day I am redefining myself. I get to decide every single day who I want to be. Do I want to be corporate me, funny me, sassy me, sad me....who do I want to be today? How do you become the "one" though? It's a very hard decision. By not choosing one am I in effect really choosing? It's so exhausting.

How do you become the pretty one? The popular one? The one people clamour to be around? How do you become that person? Do you just get to decide that you are that person? Do you get voted off if you aren't good enough? Who decides that?

Short post today because I have way to much going on with work and school to try to formulate any rational thoughts on things other than quick blurbs. Just had to get this thought out of my head.

Perception and Reality

I think I've blogged on this topic before but it hit me today how very different these two things can be on a day to day basis.

My perception is that it's spring. I am done with winter, I have declared it so...I have put away the heavy coats, the winter clothes and most definitely the close toed shoes. My perception is that it's now spring and onto a new part of this year.....the reality however, is it's freaking snowing. It's snowing and it's cold and blessed it all....it's stillllll winter. Will this winter never end?

I realize the crazy gene runs in my family. My dad's mom was truly crazy as a tic and I think as my father's aged, he's jumped aboard that crazy train. My fear is that because I'm so much like him, I don't even want to admit it or do a comparison, but it's NOT a positive thing for a girl to take after her father, that I'm afraid that crazy is creeping into my life. Not intentionally, just slowly, moment by moment I'm slipping over to the dark side.

I am in my open toe shoes and a summer outfit today...yes I know...it's only the end of March but I can't do it anymore...I hit the winter wall and I need color, I need free arms, I need tan legs with no tights.....crazy??....I'll let you judge. My outfit has elicited a few scowly face stares as I came tromping into work today....do I care? Not so much. I am who I am people...love me or leave me.

My note from the Universe this am:

Someone loves you very, very much, and wants
nothing more from you that to just be around you. They love you. Because you received this email, no matter how you received this email, it's important that you know it.

Someone besides me,
The Universe

It gives me great joy and a calm sense of being to know that someone, somewhere out there in this big, bad world loves me. Loves me.....unconditionally, with wanting nothing more from me that to just have me be in their life, be a part of their world and accepts me just as I am. It's nice. It's a very comforting feeling. Isn't that all what we want from life? To just find the yin to our yang? To have that one person who you know that no matter what this crazy world hands you, no matter that you can't live in reality - that they love you. And the minute your reach out your hand into this vast, scary world, they will be there to glomp on tight and just hold it.

Reality - life is short in the whole scheme of things. Love is lost, friends move, and the whole time, you just seem to be in the same place. Kids grow up so fast. One day you are holding their hand while they learn to walk and suddenly you are waving good bye to them as they drive off into the world ready to start their own lives. In a blink of an eye it all goes by so fast. Why do we post phone joy? Why do we wait to live our lives or to do the things that make us happy when that time may never come if we wait?

Reality - people change, people leave, they stop texting you, calling you, making time to hang out with you - just stop being a part of your world. Is there always someone new there to fill that gap?

Perception - is different.....we feel like we are never going to have people in our lives that stay. That are there, that call just to say hi, come by just to visit. We think we will never find a new friend, a lover, a job......whatever it is we are searching for. How do we learn to mesh reality and perception?

Maybe if we just learn to open our hearts up and accept what the Universe has put in front of us for the moment we can learn to be happy?

Is that my perception or reality?

Crabby Office Lady

I know work causes stress. I know typically Monday's are a high stress day because people for some reason seem to be exceptionally irrational on a Monday but when it rains, does it really need to pour? And does a Monday need to ooze over into a Tuesday?

Yesterday was the type of a day that made me reassess why I get up early and drag my butt into work...into the thankless, crap dumping job that I do. If I hear one more time "I have an opportunity for you" I am literally going to scream. I can't take on any more new opportunities unless someone decides to take something away! There is only so much time in one day and only so much patience one person can have. I realize my job is to assist...to help....to guide....to boldy go where no one apparently wants to go but for the love of all that's good and pure, can't anyone do one simple thing for themselves? Seriously....it's not difficult to send out a calendar invite to 3 people...am I really that skilled and you really that pathetically unskilled that you can't do that? Really??

Where's the value? What value do I add daily by doing the mundane, mindless, pointless tasks? I can't be connected or committed to a job if I don't feel I am adding value, a purpose...that this couldn't possibly be done without me. Can anyone work at a job and not have that? I need it. If I don't have that at work or in my own personal life then what is the point of any of it? I need value!

How do you make other people see that? At one point yesterday I hit the proverbial wall and shouted out loud "I would rather serve coffee than do this job for one more minute!" Someone then ordered a latte which made me feel better. I get it, I do realize that is not the most professional thing to do but good lord, I can't stand doing the crap that no one else wants to do. And for the love of God...why do I print off people calendars, handouts and prepare them for the day if they are going to stop by my desk or call me and ask "Where is my meeting at?" Seriously.....did I not print out your calendar? Do you not have your own calendar open on your computer and for the love of God...why do you have a blackberry? Is it a full moon? Did someone slip me a crazy pill that no one else has taken? Good lord, Corporate America makes me insane!

And it's not just Corporate America....why do some people think they can say anything, be completely disrespectful and when they find out they are wrong, they don't even apologize. Why is that kind of behavior accepted and sometimes rewarded. What is wrong with work environments? Are they so desperate for lackeys they keep everyone?

Someone tell me again why I am getting a business degree?

Oh and this from the Universe today -
Tell me do folks really think they can become lost, end up
lonely, or fail, when all they have to do to change absolutely everything is help another?

Your G.P.S. of love,
The Universe

So last night I have dinner with a friend. He's 25...yes 25, and he thinks his life goal is to be a writer mainly because he thinks he will make millions doing it and he's exceptionally gifted at it. How do you gently tell someone life isn't a book...that you don't just wake up and say I am going to be a film writer and director and make millions when they don't do anything to actively test the waters? I tried...I tried to encourage him to do workshops, to go to classes but he just doesn't hear it. Somehow though, at the end of the night, I began to feel better about the mundaneness (is that even a word?) of my own life. Maybe the Universe is onto something after all.

Here's hoping this day doesn't follow yesterday's example.

Rushing through

"We do less by the very quality of our being. We must be completely present for what we are doing, without sacrificing or rushing what's in front of us in order to get to 'more important' stuff later. No matter how mundane the activity, treat everything as important and take pleasure in it. At bottom, whatever we are doing right now is what we are engaged in and it deserves our full attention and appreciation."

I realize it's a long quote to wrap your brain around but it really spoke to me. Lately I have been feeling particularly frenzied - again and I know it's my own doing. I know I try to do to much in one day, moment and I end of wearing myself to the bone. Then I have days like I did on Saturday where I could barely get up off the couch. It was a completely wasted evening but I clearly needed the rest. I worked all day on Saturday and then was suppose to go out Saturday night but thankfully my partner in crime was as exhausted as I was so I could lay on the couch and just "be". It was nice but I also felt really guilty.

The quote above comes from a book called Less; Accomplishing More by Doing Less (it's on my birthday list!) and it reminded me how I keep forgetting to live in the moment. To treat everything as important and take pleasure in it. When I read this it made me stop and think about how I was operating in my own life. I feel like I am rushing through every moment and everything sort of feels like a blur.

How often am I engaged in a task while focused on another that needs to get done at the very same time? Between work (I am the queen of multi-tasking there), school (I probably could do better here) and my own life (it's kinda boring) I realize I am constantly looking to the next moment, event, section....thing to keep me going. It's kind of exhausting. I feel like I am always distracted with something....I am rushing through my own life and what for? What am I rushing to? Am I missing my own life by doing this or am I trying to create a life for myself by doing this?

I know I need to slow down, to breathe....to just be but it's really difficult to just do that. To go from warp speed to the slow lane. I keep saying when school is done I'll have more time...but I do recall saying that about things a year ago and still...here I am...with no time. There are so many things I want to do....want to spend my time doing and I feel like I don't have the time to do them.

How do you recapture your own time?

Dance like nobody's watching

Man...I love the Universe...the messages, the challenges, the thoughts it provokes. I've really been on a new music kick lately. I am really digging on some new music and artists I've not heard of and I feel the need to express it in dance! I've been saying to a few people lately that we need to go dancing....and what does the Universe say to me today? You guessed it....

Excuse me but I don't think I noticed, "do a little dance," on your "to-do list." You do plan to dance today, don't you?

Get down,

The Universe

So I think I have to do it....I think I have to get out there and dance like nobody is watching!!

But before I dance, I must process these thoughts but there will be dancing I assure you!

I love quotes or phrases that make me think outside my bubble, my world...things that challenge me even though sometimes it hurts. At work now I am charged with a new "opportunity" - editing or helping to edit our intranet content. It's a challenge for me because a) I know nothing about the real world of editing and b) it's new and scary. So I got some books and have been scouring the Internet and picking people's brains. I came across the following information -

Any time a thought, a sentence, or paragraph inspires you or opens up your thinking, you need to capture it, like a butterfly in a net, and later release it into your own field of consciousness.

I realize we live in a very busy, very cluttered world with a lot of choices to make each day. It's easy to forget what's most important and unless we find ways to remind ourselves of that, life becomes muddled and hard to deal with. It's like looking through the lens of a camera. at first it seems a little "fuzzy" but once you adjust the focus, it's crystal clear.

That's what quotes do for me...they take these ideas or thoughts muddling around in my head that are a little "fuzzy" and help bring them to life. I think that's why I seek them out on a daily basis. It gives me some kind of connection to my inner soul and I feel like it helps me clear the clutter. Sometimes they help me see a situation in a better or clearer light and sometimes it pushes me to reach outside myself and just go. The focus is there, it just needs some help. A helping hand.

So now that I am learning to edit, to learn new skills it of course scares me but also is very exciting to me. The thought of me editing anyone else's stuff makes me giggle like a school girl but I'm attempting it. It is going to be a good skill to hone and to have in my tool belt. So since there is no official training I've decided to use books and the Internet.

I came across this information about writing which oddly kind of makes sense and I really appreciate the way they cleverly wrote about writing using sex. Nice job!

Be sexy
You are a sexual being. So are all of your readers (except the Google robot). Sex is interesting. Sex is life, and life is interesting. The more of yourself you put into your writing, the more human and engaging your work will be. (hee hee....they keep saying sex ....makes me giggle inappropriately at work!)

If your writing is a personal journal, and if it is honest, you will have to write about things that you find embarrassing to describe, feelings you might not want to share, events that you wouldn’t mention to strangers (or, perhaps, to anyone). Decide now what you will do, before it happens.

Undressing, literally, figuratively, or emotionally, has always been a powerful force in personal sites and web logs. Pictures don’t matter in the long run; what matters is the trajectory of your relationship with the reader, the gradual growth of intimacy and knowledge between you.

So there we have it.....I have to be sexy in my writing, I have to undress (it's OK...I have a good tan!) and now I must dance!

Bring it on Universe....I am so ready!

Simple truths

Sometimes even the youngest souls can have all the answers. Yeah for friends!

Some days I feel older than I am....other days I feel only as old as the people I surround myself with. I realized yesterday, I don't feel very old. Maybe it's because the bulk of my closest friends right now are in their 30's (or younger!) but I am sort of appalled at my actual age. People my age don't live the life I do. They don't have the social life, the commitments, the fun that I do. At least not hardly anyone I know that is my age. I rather enjoy my life. Not every moment of course but overall, looking at the big screen picture, I do.

The sad news this morning of Natasha Richardson dying after a freak accident sort of made me think about things and realize life is way too short. We are the exact same age and I was thinking...jesh....some freaky thing could happen and I could be gone tomorrow....would I have enjoyed the last times I had here? Would I be remembered as a "wonderful woman". Maybe by some....those who love me but overall? Not so sure.

No rules...that was my rule at the beginning of the year. It just seems more relevant now than before. I can't sit by an passively let things happen, I can't let days or weeks go by without enjoying my time. I say it's time to grab life by the ......I need a good analogy here...anyway, you get the point. It's time to put the pedal to the medal.....no....that just doesn't work. But it's time to do something more than I have been doing. School is almost done and it's time to get it in gear.

I'm tired of being tired, of being worried about my job, school, what anyone else thinks. I'm tired of waiting to start living until this happens or that happens....it's time....it's time to get out there and do what I want to do. I started to do that at the beginning of this year but then I got sucked back into my own bubble of insecurity and safety (or what I perceived as safety) and I say no more....done with that...moving on. Mama is getting in the car pool lane and that's all there is to it. What's with the car analogies?

What does the Universe think about this?

People, when given a chance smile, skip, and dance.
They create, play, and laugh.
They care, share, and love.
And the ones who don't, haven't yet realized that chances are something you give yourself.

Double dare you,
The Universe

Interesting right?

Yesterday I reconnected with an old friend I absolutely adore!! I'd lost track of her and the wonders of Facebook helped us reconnect and within two seconds I felt like no time between us had passed at all. I forgot how lucky a person is to have people in their lives that are just part of who we are...they are pieces of us scattered around the world and you just feel better, more connected, whole - when you find a lost one again...almost like your putting your pieces back together. Yeah Facebook!

So maybe none of us have all the answers or the perfect life and maybe we all need each other to be who we are, but some days it's harder to see that through all the daily garbly gook that seeps in. I forget the joy that others add to my own life - little things like having dinner unexpectedly with me, wearing my wrist band (cause it really does bring me great joy!) or just taking time to talk with me about nothing in particular. It's the little moments, the way a person smiles at me, the way they make me laugh and the fun little things they do during the day to remind you that you do matter, even when it's something silly like a picture on your door when you come home at night. :)

Freedom to be

I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine and I said - it's only March and I seem to have completely forgotten about my New (new) Years resolution of NO RULES! Carpe Diem!! "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die," we need to make the most of any and all opportunities because life is short and our time to be happy in the whole scheme of things, is really brief.

It got me thinking (again) about what I want from life, what is my purpose, my reason for being. What do I know deep in my soul and honestly, I kind of drew a blank. How can a person's soul stop communicating with them? Is it possible that there is so much external interference that you can no longer hear your own soul?

How do you reconnect one's soul with the divine? To combine all of your personality, family, work and reputation into one piece that ultimately gives you the freedom to be one's own true self. To have purpose and meaning. To know you make a difference on some level.

I believe our soul responds to celestial influences, forces that can provide us with a stronger sense of purpose. I believe in the power of a full moon, of the stars aligning and most assuredly in Fairy cards!

What is our reason for being, our mission for this lifetime? Does it change on a day to day basis? If we let go of the idea that we are suppose to be in control of our own lives can we more easily accept and appreciate the synchronicities that are pushing us in new directions all the time? Do we need to become more conscious of the invisible helping hand of the Universe guiding and directing us onto the life path we need to be traveling on and if so, how do we begin to let it?

Who we decide to be changes. We are one person at work, at home, with those we feel safe and secure enough with to let down our guard and be our true self. I joke with people and tell them I have a corporate personality. It's hard to be the corporate me because it's really like I have to fight against all that I am and put on this mask that feels like I am suffocating. I don't like it at all. It's necessary of course, because I have to have a job, get paid a decent enough salary that allows me to live my life the way I want...but the corporate me is oppressive.

So we need balance, we need things and people and places in our life that allow us to be us. That's what I feel like I am missing. I suppose in some perfect Universe, people have that at work and in their life but if you don't, you have to adjust. I think I'm just tired of adjusting. Tired of always feeling like I have to change who I am to fit into someone's version of a mold, a bubble....their world.

Can I not hear my soul any more because it's tired or is it just scared?

Message today from the Universe:

Sometimes, understanding others fears helps you to understand your actions, as well as your own pain. Plus, understanding their fears sometimes helps you to understand your own.

Ti amo, The Universe

So...if I am to gleam anything at all from this message it's that others have the same fears? Why do I feel like I am all alone on my own little fear island? Why does it seem like everyone else seem to just have things in place and seem to know where they are going and what they want out of life and I am drifting aimlessly, alone, in a little rubber raft?

What does their soul know that mine can't seem to say out loud to me?

Has my own soul given up on me?

What is harder to do?

What is harder the change you choose, or the change that's chosen for you?

This is probably an age old question but really change is change regardless of whether you are choosing to do it or if it's what life has chosen for you. I like to think I embrace change but really, can anyone really be happy and accepting of it? It really kind of sucks either way it happens.

I remember distinctly the first time I realized that change can happen without your consent, it was in my first car accident. A young man (when I say young man, I really mean a child...he was only 16) tried to cut over two lanes very quickly and he caught my back end and spun me round and I ended up going up the embankment sort of sideways. My car was totaled but I survived unscathed- My poor sad dead little car Leo died that day.

It was not my choice to get a new car - it was not my choice to put my life on hold and deal with all the crap that goes with settling an insurance claim, looking for and financing a car and all within a very short time because life can only be put on hold for so long before it begins to back up and cause even more trouble. That choice was taken away from me and I remember being so angry because I didn't get to CHOOSE to do it. It was done without my permission or consent. Not that I would have chose to participate in a car accident...but you get the point.

If we choose to change though, is it really any easier? I am still going to go with no. Change is hard. Our bodies some how know we are trying to change and it seems to fight back in ways you just don't even expect it to. Like when I choose to eat a high protein breakfast bar my body reacts as if I fed it scrap metal and I hurt and suffer for hours as my body tries to break down the high protein bar....if I had eaten a bagel slathered with cream cheese I think it would have accepted it just fine. No matter if we choose it or not, it's going to be a hard road.

Change is part of life, it happens every day. I like to think as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at welcoming it, encouraging it to come into my life and yes, sometimes it does make things better. I think in the long run change has gotten attached negatively because usually when things change, it's not always for the better in the beginning. You have to work at it, continue to fine tune and adjust. Maybe that's the pieces we miss...the adjusting and fine tuning.

Change can be good....right?

Just knowing

I had lots of opportunity to stare out the windows this weekend and watch the world go by. It was my weekend to work at the ET so I was kinda stuck in a glass cage avoiding homework....oh and work. As I stared out the window and watched people go by I witnessed little moments that kind of made me say "awwww".

There is this older couple (late 60's I imagine) who live in separate apartments but are still a couple. They were walking out to the car and she just reached her hand out and without really thinking and he did the same and they walked through the parking lot just holding hands. This really caught my attention because it was such a small thing but really in the bigger picture, it was huge. They just KNEW. To just know that another hand is right there to grasp yours without question, without thought is really pretty powerful. No words needed to be said, no asking, just trusting that it was there. That's what this world needs more of....those kinds of moments. That is something I don't think we see enough in in life, people holding hands. I want to walk with someone holding hands.

This got me thinking a lot about relationships and why they have to be so.....difficult. Maybe it's because spring is around the corner or maybe because it seems like love (is that the right word even?) is in the air...well not for me (I keep getting the "no thank you card") but it does seem like many of my friends are embarking on new paths of love. It seems like the people they are matched with are good fits, they seem to have lots in common with each other, are really compatible and for the most part they seem pretty happy with things but there are those moments that seem like it's just too difficult to be IN a relationship. Why does it have to be so hard?

I realize relationships take work. Even if your not romantically involved they take work. You need to give and take equally otherwise what's the point? It's hard to get on the "same page" with another person....sometimes you just have to dive in with both feet and swim in the deep, scary water. No one wants to be alone...why not find that other half and let them in? In this crazy world, if you find someone who has any sort of baggage at all that even remotely matches your own, why don't you just glomp onto that for all your worth and run with it? Open yourself up to the possibility that you can be happy and have fun and just trust that when you stick your hand out, their hand will be right there to take hold of your own.

I wonder if we ever realize what we have while we have it. Is it possible to not even realize we have those moments right now and by focusing on what might go wrong or what might never happen we miss the moments that are here in front of us? I have friends who are in relationships that just don't seem to be working. Are they in them just so they don't have to be alone? Is it worth that? If you give up so much of what you want from life just to have the another person there is that love?

It's confusing to me. I get the whole I don't want to be alone thing. I want someone to adore me, to want to be with me, to even put me up on a pedestal now and then but realistically that isn't an everyday thing...there are going to be moments that you don't even want to be around that other person, but in this short, short life, why don't we take happiness when we find it? Why?

The Universe in it's infinite wisdom had this to say to me today:

Have you stopped to consider that it's life's "disconnects," "almost's," and "not quites," that make life's "connections," "gotchas," and "eurekas" so fantastically romantic?

Good, because they were your idea.

Wild thing,
The Universe

Funny because I've been feeling sort of disconnected and not quite right lately. Feeling like I don't have a place in this world where I fit, where I matter, where I add value and then I have this weekend that shifts my thinking. I'm feeling like there is a place in the sun for me, somewhere and that makes me feel better...just knowing.

Who would have guess it, just knowing something deep in your soul does make a difference.

Perfect

PERFECT:
–adjective
1. conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfect gentleman.
2. excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: There is no perfect legal code. The proportions of this temple are almost perfect.
3. exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose: a perfect actor to play Mr. Micawber; a perfect saw for cutting out keyholes.
4. entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings: a perfect apple; the perfect crime.
5. accurate, exact, or correct in every detail: a perfect copy.
6. thorough; complete; utter: perfect strangers.
7. pure or unmixed: perfect yellow.
8. unqualified; absolute: He has perfect control over his followers.
9. expert; accomplished; proficient.
10. unmitigated; out-and-out; of an extreme degree: He made a perfect fool of himself.

Who would have guessed there were 10+ definitions of the word. Really though, what is perfect? I've had perfect days, moments, thoughts, foods, even events but overall is anything or anyone really perfect? Maybe a new born baby. They haven't had time to be all sullied and tainted by life, maybe they can be perfect but in general, nothing is really perfect.....and would we want it to be?

I saw an ad this morning for this new makeup to give you perfectly flawless skin. Is perfect really just an illusion. Something we tell ourselves we have to attain to be happy, to be content...to exist? Is perfect a destination?

Feeling my groove

Sometimes when I wake up I look in the mirror and think MY GOD....what happened to you? I can wake up with some of the best bed head in the world! As my nephew said to me one time "what died on your head?" Awesome. It's really a shame there isn't someone around to share that with because really, it's pretty spectacular some days. :)

It's a wonder then if I can wake up so.....frightening, that I can tame her down and look somewhat presentable when I finally leave my house. I thought about this today as I left for work and before I even hit my car in the garage two complete strangers complimented me. TWO! Nice. I am having a particularly good self esteem day thanks to them. These days are rare and I am actually avoiding any mirrors for fear that I won't like at all what I see and it will ruin my little morning buzz.

Funny though.....I left my house feeling this way and thought about it on my drive in and here is what was waiting for me when I logged onto my email....from the Universe:

Just curious when was the last time you looked into a mirror and addressed yourself as "Gorgeous," "Magnificent," or "Sublime"?

It matters.

Tallyho,
The Universe

Wild isn't it?! I really can't explain how this happens but right now, I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I love surprises, unexpected moments, unplanned events....I know a lot of people don't, but I sure do and in the mail I got a really sweet card from this woman who left here. She was a really high maintenance director whom I sometimes helped and she sent me this card. It's a picture of these older people (I don't think that's the message!) sitting on chairs just laughing out loud.

There is so much joy on their faces you can't help but smile at them. The caption reads:
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed." Inside she wrote I saw this card and it SCREAMED send me to Dawn. Then she thanked me for all my hard work and support of her and wished me well.

Isn't it funny how the littlest thing can make such an impact on someone's day? I mean...really, it's just a card but really it's so much more. There was thought behind it...there was a tiny moment that I was on her mind...that I mattered enough to stop what she was doing and write out and send a note to me. Me....plain old regular me. Wild. I was just so....surprised that I even crossed her mind once she left here. I am always surprised that people think about me when I am not with them. Sometimes the Universe just does things that make my head spin.

Lately I've been feeling so disconnected from ..... just disconnected. Feeling like that puzzle piece that sits on the counter waiting to find the right place to squeeze into....and I try.....I squeeze and twist and plop myself right in the middle but yet I still don't fit. There doesn't appear to be any picture I fit. My friend says I over estimate how anyone else feels about their own life, but that still doesn't change how I feel.

I realized as I was driving into work today that it's a full moon today and that usually makes me kinda off but I wonder if it isn't making me kinda on today. I feel hopeful, centered....and dare I say it...almost happy? Ohhh, insert music here!

Hmm, maybe my little vacation did more for my mind-set that I realized? Maybe it's just taken a few days to settle into my brain?

I guess I will just put on my red lipstick and see what this day brings.

Ready for a change?

How do we know when we are ready to change? I mean REALLY ready? Ready to dig in with both feet and just go for it. Plunge ahead and embrace the world.

I went on vacation to get away from my everyday life to help clear the muddle that's been rattling around in my head and to have some down time. It really helped to be away from all the same everyday things and I feel recharged.

Watching a sunset over the desert was spectacular - watching a sunset at all really. The mountains surrounding me at all times was pretty awesome too. I wonder if we begin to take that stuff for granted if we were surrounded by it all the time. Do we cease to see the beauty or specialness of our surroundings over time? Am I missing something now?

One thing I did realize was how much I miss certain people...I mean seeing them in person, their face, their laugh....just them....I like my friends...I like my life....why do I want it to change?

Change is a part of life, a part of growth...without change we would be bored - right? Why do we always feel we HAVE to change things?

The Universe gave me this nugget today:

Sometimes when you're ready for a change and you kind of know it but
won't admit it, when it comes, not only are you surprised, but it
hurts.
Yeah, I know that doesn't help much, unless you remember the "ready"
part. Because there is simply no change that might ever transpire in time and space that happens before you're fully able to use it for your own growth and glory.
Love watching you create,
The Universe

Even the Universe knows I need to change....and it does kinda suck. I know things will change when I am done with school, once I settle back into my life again - my routine. I just want things to be easy...to be fun....to be not so complicated and muddled. Where is the easy path?

Why does it seem everyone else has the life I want? Are they really happy with their life or do they also want someone else's life? Are we really ever happy with what we have when we have it. Is it wrong to want more? To demand more?

Seems like there are so many questions all the time that never really seem to get answers. How do you find answers? When is enough really enough?

It seems like we are always searching....looking, wanting, changing....do we ever really get to a point in life where it all just works? I have moments....days even where things really seem to be working well....then maybe we start thinking too much or too deep and muddle sets in. Maybe the key is to not think? Keep things at a surface level?

It was great to get away but it feels like if I am not careful, I'll slip right back into that old routine.

Same thing different day

Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different. It seems like day by day things don't really change, it's the same old same old but then a week or a month or so passes and you look back to see so much has really changed.

How does that happen without us really knowing it happened? How can life move on without our knowing it? Without movement in some direction does life really change? Can it change without our input? Without our permission?

Do we really have a choice in our lives? Do we really have a choice on the path we go down? I know we choose to move in certain directions and if we move confidently in the direction of our dreams we eventually get there...right? But if that's true , why aren't more people there? What if that path changes or moves? Where do we end up?

Are we ever sure we make the right decisions? Are we ever really sure we are moving in the right direction? I know there are no guarantees in life but shouldn't we have some kind of a commitment or connection to the path we are on?

Seems like there are more questions that come up the more I think about it. Maybe I have too much free time right now....too much time to over-process things. Maybe doing nothing isn't really the answer.

Maybe keeping some of the everyday muddle and madness alive and well is what a person needs to do. Thinking is hard.

Thinking out loud

Sometimes it's easier to sort through all your own baggage when you get out of your own space, when you get out of your own little bubble and start to look at things differently. I know the next few months are going to be challenging with school but I know the end is near, school will be done in just a few months so it will be really worth it......right?

It's been really great to not be in my own space worrying about all the things I still need to do around my house, my homework, the unpacking that still needs to happen and even little things like hanging up a curtain rod to make my space feel complete. Being away from all that really feels like it doesn't really matter that much but when I am surrounded by that it all, it felt too overwhelming. It was almost like I couldn't make a decision to finish one thing before something else was due. Too much.

Being away from home and all the normal day to day stuff is very helpful. Driving around with the top down on the car and staring at the cactus sprinkled mountains and the deep blue sky seems to help really clear the clutter out of my head.

I feel refreshed, recharged and really rejuvenated. I think I chose a good time to get out of town for a little while and to just have some fun and to just stop thinking for a short time. It was nice to be able to just be...to do whatever I felt like doing with no real thought beyond the one moment. Granted, you can't live life everyday like that but it's nice to have several days of that.

I do miss certain people who I think make my everyday life better (thank God for texting!) and I do (I can't beleive I am saying this out loud) kind of miss my everyday routine but I feel like taking a break allows me to get back to all of that with a refreshed soul.

Can a week away really help a person see things differently? It's like being away allows me to slow down enough to think about things on a different level...maybe with some new clarity?

I am enjoying my time away, but I am almost ready to be back and dealing with everything. It's almost time....maybe a few more sunsets......and cocktails.......and time in the sun.

Noise or energy?

I've clearly lived alone too long. Now that I'm spending some time with people around me 24/7 - I realize how much I miss another person in my space. It comforts me.

I like knowing someone else is there. Not just to be with me, just there. The other night as I struggled with the time change....2 hrs ahead of what my body is used to, I sat up playing on my computer and the sound of someone else in the same space with me was really soothing. I like the sound of someone else breathing, moving, just...... being. I like a sounds more than I realized.

I think that's what I like so much about Vegas, it's constant movement and noise and activity. There is always someone around. I imagine after a while, probably a short while, it would be very waring but for now I really found myself very happy here.

When we were gambling...er, I mean "gaming" (that's the cool new way to talk about gambling - and I'm nothing if I'm not cool!) we were having fun - doing OK on the games - but I wasn't really enjoying it...then right before we came up stairs I found MY machine. It's the Wheel of Fortune machine but it was LOUD! It made so much noise even if I won like $4! It was on the edge of being obnoxiously loud....as a matter of fact when the beverage lady came by she even commented on how loud it was and I said I KNOW.....IT GIVES ME GREAT JOY. And it did, it made me totally happy and my $5 seemed to go a lot further than ever!

As we sat eating breakfast Saturday before we left Vegas I was just enjoying the hub bub of the casino and I realized the blaring music, the sound of the machines and all the people with their glazed over faces really made me happy. I love the noise. I shared this with Rachael and she pointed out it's probably not really the noise as much as it's the energy of the place. Vegas has a very different energy...and I realized that's it. It's not the noise or the sound, it's the energy.

The energy another person gives off combined with their own sounds.....make me really happy. Sounds....I like the sounds people make. Just their everyday sort of sounds, the sound of them breathing, the funny little quirkly things they do.....sounds. I like to help people make sounds too! Like when someone offers up a big old belly laugh...there isn't really a better sound in the world than someone who just lets it come from their soul! I think that's my happiest sound!! Some of my friends have the best laughs too...and that sound alone gives me immense joy.

So I guess when it comes down to it.....its all about energy and sound it equals happiness....or a form of it. What a funny thing to discover on a vacation. :)

Is Vegas dying?

So here I am in sin city. What happens here stays here...but really...not much is happening here. Is is possible that this is a dying town?

It seems impossible that a place like Vegas would do well during these tough economic times but there is massive amounts of construction happening and yet the town seems empty. There is this massive push by the MGM to create a new landscape for Vegas which involves condos and new hotel space but as we wandered through the hotels, they are disturbingly empty. The high stakes room had two people in it....two. The casino workers looked so bored, tables were empty and it was surprisingly not very smokey in the casino's. Is it because it's a Thursday night or is it because people can't afford to feed their families why would they spend hundreds on a decadent vacation like Vegas?

I tried to sweet talk the guy behind the front desk to upgrade our room, I told him Rachael and I were on our honeymoon and he didn't even blink, his response was sorry, we are trying to make money, not give stuff away. Rachael however did blink when I announced we were on our honeymoon....which we are not. I had to try. We did end up paying $10 more for a higher floor....we are on the 30th floor and it's a spectacular view.

I love people watching here...some people just plain make me feel better about myself....others make me feel quite inferior. As we wandered through the Bellagio the woman there were dressed the nine's and smelled expensive as we walked past them. Then in comparison we went to Bill's something.....the old Barbary Coast and the clientele there were the ones that made me feel really....well pretty. Such a different crowd.

What's with all the ladies walking through the hotels in 3 inch heels....don't they know where they are? Are we so superficial that we can't be comfortable as we wander and throw our money into machines hoping to hit it big?

I'm off to bed...I'm so messed up on the time....in Minnesota it's 12:30am, Phoenix it's 11:30pm and here in Vegas it's only 10:30....my body is so confused.

Sunrise/Sunset

Isn't funny something as simple as a sunrise or a sunset makes you feel different? We sat at the edge of the desert with some snacks and a cocktail and literally watched the sun set behind the cactus and desert wildlife and I felt all my cares and woes melt away like the setting sun. It's amazing how changing your perspective can help change your mind.

Why don't we appreciate these little things in our own everyday life? Why don't we take the time to watch the sunset with a loved one or to take the time to stop and breath? Why do we have to physically leave our own space, life, surroundings to get that feeling?

I don't know if its the fact that I could wear less clothes, open toe shoes or that I have someone around to chat with, eat with, just hang out with (now if she would just spoon with me I'd be SUPER happy!) and it makes me happy....really really happy. Plus the sun sure doesn't hurt.

The guest room I'm staying in overlooks the backyard/pool and I opened my curtains last night and slept with the window wide open and when I woke up I laid there and watched the sunrise and it was like someone was painting the sky before my eyes. It was so beautiful and peaceful and I really felt like for the first time in a long, long time I can step back and get some perspective on my own life. It's nice to not have to deal with work issues, school stuff or even my own home issues....just being out of my normal surroundings helps a person clear their brain.

Let's hope after a few more days here I can really get some of the clutter out of my head and make room for some new stuff!!

I am hoping to get some more things checked off my list too while I'm here. Life really is good.

Deep breaths....

There is something to getting away from your space, your life, your crap to help you clear your head. Also sitting watching the sunset over the desert landscape is cathartic. It was breath taking to watch the colors of the sunset appear before my eyes. I felt like it was a constant surprise what each new moment would bring. Wish I could live my every day like that.

Off to Vegas for a few days of exploring and fun. It's so nice to have something new to look forward to doing, to shift the brain, the head, the heart.....everything. Sometimes a change in landscape is all a girl needs to maybe shift some internal thinking. We shall see.

As I sat waiting for the plane today, I was next to a booming Chili's and I watched this old man eating. He had on a really dated polyester plaid suit jacket and his hat matched it. It was sort of sweet and charming to see him all dressed up to travel. People don't do that anymore....they don't dress up for much. I also noticed that people didn't really seem to look at their server when they came to check on them and ask them how their meal was. Granted it was at the Chili's but still....is that common courtesy gone from people....that you can't look at someone who is talking directly to you??

Have we become so self involved that we can't take the time to give common courtesy's?

Comfortable with my madness??

I realize we all have our "issues", we aren't perfect, we are a work in progress but I think overall, I have to learn how to be comfortable with my "madness"...my imperfections....my choices.

We all know those people who live their lives just the way they want, with no cares of what anyone else may think. They seem to have no care or worry what one other person thinks. As my friend calls it...they live "balls to the walls" and they seem happy. Is that possible? Is it possible to live your life and not care what anyone else thinks? Have we become so emeshed with needing other people to validate and define us that we can't live without that?

I love to travel. Mainly because it changes your perspective on my own life. To get out of my normal surrounds and recharge. Also, I find there is something kind of anonymous about traveling....especially alone. I love sitting in an airport and pretending I'm off on some world adventure. I feel like I can be anyone and no one can deny it. It's kind of empowering. People don't have any idea where I am going or who I am. I could be anyone. I could be off on a lover's retreat, going to save a life, maybe off to bury someone or to take control of a small unknown country. I could be anyone and suddenly I feel lots of possibilities are available to me.

When I travel I like to try to go someplace, see things or do things I wouldn't do in my normal life. It's what makes traveling so appealing to me...it gives me the permission to live outside my bubble. I think I need to plan more trips...I guess it doesn't have to be a trip on a plane, I suppose I can just get in my car and go....maybe I need more trips.

I need to learn to become comfortable with my madness in my everyday life. Maybe I'll figure that out while I soak up some sun!

My message from The Universe today -

Haven't I always shown up with the right idea, at the right time,
to spin your head and rock your world, when you least expected it?
Give yourself this rest you've earned.
You're my butterfly,

The Universe

This butterfly is ready to fly.

Lead an interesting life?

Who me?

There is this lady at work who always comes over almost the second I get to my desk and some days even before I've had my coffee she asks me about my weekend. I usually tell her it was uneventful and I don't tell her every little thing I've done but sometimes I share. I told her about going to see the Roller Girls on Saturday night, which by the way FREAKING rocked. I showed her my picture with Suzie Smash box, she was my favorite, she was amazing!

She laughed at me and said "You live such an interesting life. I can't wait for Monday mornings to hear about your crazy weekends".

Really....you are choosing to live vicariously through me? You got bigger troubles that I do my friend. It made me wonder though.....who do I live my life through? Who's life do I wish I had instead of my own...and frankly I'm not sure I could pick ONE person to switch lives with but I would love to pick pieces of people's lives....can we do that, can we pick apart the lives of others and absorb the things we want? Ahh, if only it were that easy...we'd all have perfect, happy lives.

Working in corporate America can be thankless. Some days it feels like all you are told are the things that you are doing wrong. Told that you don't fit the cookie cutter mold some yahoo higher up feels is the right "corporate image" or corporate personality and you must change, adapt, learn, grow....become all the things you aren't from 9 - 5 to fit in, to advance to be "successful". It's a confusing place to be. I have been told many times that who I am, my personality, my demeanor is good but it's not "corporate" me. I need to learn when to say things out loud, when to hold my tongue and to be aware of my "audience".

The confusing problem is, on the same hand, I'm told that's what people like about me, that I'm not a standard cookie cutter corporate robot. I have personality, I have an opinion and I will share it. I've been practicing really hard to think before I speak, to take a breath and think carefully of the words I use before I say things out loud and I think I've been doing pretty well at it....at least from a corporate standpoint. Today, I was talking to my boss and we were talking about our work style. He said he was told he is too measured in his responses. That when people ask him something he ponders and thinks about things too much before responding. I said I found that interesting because that is something I continue to work on...my thinking before I speak. He said....you probably could do that less too. I was confused....you want me to say what I think or you want me to think before I say. Which is it? How can you do both?

Today's message from the Universe -

No one ever regrets raising the bar, ever, ever, ever.
Scare yourself,

The Universe

Crazy right? Life is about constant revision....we always are revising who we are with different groups of people. Sometimes I don't remember who I am. I guess if we don't push ourselves to change, to grow to become something more, we will have to live our lives through others.

I don't want to do that.

Too old for a broken heart?

Is falling in love the same thing as letting someone into your heart? I was talking to a resident today who is in his 80's and he was telling me a war story, his favorites, and he told me of this buddy of his who never got over his first love. The story was that he fell madly in love with this woman and when he went off to war she fell in love and married someone else. He was in his late 20's at that time and apparently never got over it. He apparently still pines away for this lost love.

It got me thinking....do you ever get over a broken heart? Is there an age limit on it? How many times can a heart be broken before it just can't be mended any longer?

I don't know that I have ever been officially IN LOVE with someone. I've loved people....I love my family (even though they make me crazy some times), my friends and occasionally another person but I don't know that I've ever had that "moment" where you know THIS IS IT. I kind of feel cheated. Does that really exist? Is it just a plot for a movie or does real love exist?

I have a quote board at work that I put quotes on everyday. Mostly I think people really enjoy them and occasionally I put one up that warrants discussion....mostly for people to share their thoughts with me on it and I enjoy it. I try to use uplifting, positive thoughts but once in awhile it surprises me how people react to what I've shared. This was an email I got from the sweetest, gentlest, nicest man. It surprised me that he even felt like he needed to comment but I wasn't sure how to even respond...I simply said....thank you for sharing your opinion.

I enjoy reading your message board, but today I found I disagreed with your message. Your board read, "We never love a person, only qualities." I believe love is a commitment to a person. I love (am committed to) my wife. That love transcends qualities. Not every quality my wife exhibits or action she takes is one that I find attractive. In fact, there are times she irritates me (and I know the reverse is even more true...sometimes I really bug my wife). Still, we are committed to each other and in our better moments, forgiving of each others' shortfalls, because of our love for each other. In short, I disagree with your message board today because, in my opinion, commitment--more than qualities--defines true love. Thanks for allowing me the chance to editorialize.

Does true love really exist or is it something we've convinced ourselves MUST exist? Can people really love qualities and in turn love the person? What if what you love about a person changes, do you have to learn to fall in love with them all over again? How can you mend a broken heart?