I'm not that girl

I woke up this morning with a very strange feeling....I felt as my life were a medley of musicals. Like if I could pick and choose songs or musical numbers out of multiple productions, it would make up my life. Isn't that the oddest thing to wake up to?

The first one that popped into my head is from Wicked - I'm Not That Girl - especially this one line:

Don't wish, don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart. I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl. There's a girl I know. He loves her so. I'm not that girl.

Then it went on to Ave Q - There is a Fine Line -but the entire song that Kate Monster sings:

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend; There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend; And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb. There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time. There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie; And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye." I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime, But there's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of your time. And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore. I don't think that you even know what you're looking for. For my own sanity, I've got to close the door And walk away...Oh...There's a fine, fine line between together and not And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got. You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...There's a fine, fine line between love And a waste of time.

Then it morphed into A Chorus Line - The Music and the Mirror - again though, just this one part:

Let me wake up in the morning to find I have somewhere exciting to go. To have something that I can believe in. To have something to be. Use me... Choose me.

Now the thing that was so odd about this is I was on a stage and I was singing and dancing to these songs...but it wasn't really a stage, it was more like a giant dock or platform and I could see myself doing things like I was a voice over in a movie.....isn't that the strangest thing? Why these particular songs about love or not having love is a bit perplexing to me because it's not really about that...not romantic love anyway. I get that they have to do with unrequited love but I think it's more than that, I think it's bigger than that, more global.

Lately it feels like .... it's hard to describe....it's like I don't fit in any parts of my own life. I feel like at work I am just sitting in a chair filling space.....I'm not that girl. I'm not the one people think of when they are looking to fill a new position...I'm not the one they think of as capable...I need to have something to call my own....something to take ownership of. It's not happening.

In my school life I feel really lost and out of touch. This final class is a doozy, it's really suppose to be me utilizing all the classes I've taken along the way and combine them all into one big massive huge final project. Part of the issues is some of the key classes were taught by really really worthless teachers and I feel really ill prepared and I feel like I've come this far only to what, finish with a poof and not a bang?

And my personal life, well really my LACK THERE OF! I am not really able to do the things I really want to. To spend time with the people I really want to. There is a cluster of reasons why, not all in my control. There are people I want to spend more time with but their own lives don't allow for it or they have other things they would rather be spending their time on besides me. A cluster of reasons.

Maybe I'm being over sensitive? I've been sleeping very little lately....can't seem to sleep. I did cut the caffeine out again, today is day one. Between not sleeping, work being so....corporate, school, my personal life (or lack there of) I feel out of sorts....it isn't a full moon is it? I wonder if I need another song from a musical to tie it all together?

Instead I will close with this quote I read in a leadership book that I think really fits here too:

When we feel in control of our life and are spending time on those things that matter, we are happier.

So the question is: when will I have control and what do I want to spend my time on?