Someone today called me cynical. Am I a cynical person? I had to think about that. I mean we all can be a bit cynical at times...right? I am cynical about some things for sure....like love or when people tell me something I don't believe, hmmm maybe I am cynical.
Oscar Wilde said that a cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Do I know the value of nothing? Does nothing even have a value?
The dictionary defines cynical as - having or showing the attitude or temper of a cynic: as a: contemptuously distrustful of human nature and motives b: based on or reflecting a belief that human conduct is motivated primarily by self-interest.
I wonder, do I distrust? I think on some level I do. But who do I really distrust? Is it others or is it myself? Can you not trust yourself? I sometimes think of my distrust as my own oddities but if I really think about it maybe it's my cynical side. Like whenever I get a coffee I have to test the lid (and straighten it, I hate it when it doesn't line up with the logo and the cup holder thingy) to be sure it's on tight. Wait....maybe I'm just more anal retentive then I thought I was....maybe it's not being cynical as much as it's being bossy.....yes...that's got to be it. I'm fine with that...I'm fine with being bossy but cynical...that's not OK.
I would say my dad is a cynical person, he wasn't always....or wait...was he? Man it's hard to separate reality from what we've created for ourselves as our reality isn't it? I mean my reality is what I've created, it's what I've lived, or think I've lived. Maybe I am crazy...or cynical. Now I am doubting not only my sanity but my cynicism.
Do we really become our parents as we age? Do we turn into them at some point because that is what we know? What we've witnessed? I'm worried. I see myself doing or saying things that instantly take me back to my father....why does it have to be my father...why can't it be my mother..wait she's crazy too. Anyway, I say things that make me kind of cringe because that is SO something my dad would have said...but I don't want to be like him. There were some parts of my dad that I did admire though...he was a great gift giver...I'd like to think I can accept the good things. It's bad enough I have to look like him but man, can't I develop my own personality that isn't him?
How do we create a new outlook for ourselves? Can we change that?
14 days until Christmas.....then this year is almost over. I can't believe it's gone....it's amazing how fast time goes when you look back on it. Looking forward to something seems to drag time but when you look back on time it seems to have flown. So much to process before the new year starts, not even sure where to begin.
Cynical....please!!
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