Boring is ok

I guess I don't mind being boring as much as I hate being predictable! I had an enjoyable day. Had a late breakfast with a friend, ran errands and then came back home and ended up being really productive.

Wrapped presents, cleaned closets, did laundry, made my Christmas cards and managed to avoid doing homework ALL day. Now I am getting ready to go head out to a friends to hang for the night. Boring is OK I guess.

I was seeing lots of frazzled people today and it made me thankful for my non frazzled life. I enjoy that I have control of my time. I can't imagine having to care for someone else all day long and then trying to squeeze time if for myself at the end of the day. It exhausts me to even think about that. I give those people credit though...regardless if they chose that life or not.

I wonder who I'd be if I choose a different path. I'm where I'm at in my life because I chose this path...what if I did one thing different, what if I took a different job and end up working all the time would I be in school? If I wasn't in school I wouldn't have met the great people I met and learned the things I learned nor made the good friends I have at my current job. Isn't it funny how doing one little thing can have such a snowball effect on one's whole life. What if?

What if my parents loved each other and raised their kids thinking they could do whatever they wanted? What if we grew up feeling confident and secure in who we are....would we still be who we are today?

Who will we choose to be next year? Do we get to choose?

Consumption

Ahh...turkey day and black Friday...all about consumption. We consume then turn into comsumers and spend. Who says it's a depressed economy! I've heard lots of people today talking about how stuffed they still are from yesterday's meal and then talking about all the left overs. I think we are doing fine.

I like the fact that we are almost into December....so close to the end of this year and so close to starting a new year. Hopefully the new president will fix this mess of the economy we are in and the war...let's not forget the war.

I've rather enjoyed my last few days off of work and spending some time with just my own thoughts. It was nice to have the time to think....I forget how exhausting that is though. I slept in two days in a row and am planning on doing the same again tomorrow. I have been exhausted by 9/10pm the past few nights and was actually in bed by about 10 last night. I woke up at 7 and laid in bed until about 8:30....it was glorious. Plus I didn't even get dressed until about 3:30 today and only because I had to work at 4. Glorious. I forget the joy of not getting dressed.

I did have a very productive day however, cleaned, tossed a bunch of crap and organized my Christmas stuff...I beleive I am done shopping now. I have decided to not buy all the extra crap I do every year and just enjoy the holidays. I have the essentials done, wrapped and ready to go and so I feel ready.

Not much to say today, just thankful for my health, my friends, family and my jobs. Keep on keeping on Universe.

What's a name?

It's funny, I have always had the worst memory when it comes to names. I'm lucky I can remember my own on a good day and I am always amazed at people who not only know my name but remember it and I don't even remember meeting them! Maybe it's a sign of old age? Maybe it's just who I am? Ugh...names really escape me on most days.

I remember when I was president of my admin group I thought this will really help me hone my memory skills.....it didn't. It was easy for people to remember my name because they really only had to remember one name....me as the speaker had to try to remember lots of names and that was hard. Now that I work at the ET and the residents are pretty good at knowing my name but yeowers.....I can't remember their names much less their apt. numbers. Every time they come in with a slip that was left in their mail box saying they have a package I always have to say.....what apartment are you? I'm trying. Eric and Sarah are rock stars at this....they can remember names, apt. numbers and all sorts of stuff...I'm kind of jealous of that kind of a skill. I'm trying really hard to do that. I remember being so impressed early on that they knew my name....they always greeted me by name...that skill escapes me.

At work there is a security guard who always says good morning to me by name....every day. I don't remember ever telling him my name or really having any interaction with him but over the last few months I've realized he knows my name. Yesterday it dawned on me (no pun intended) that I have no clue what his name is so I asked the regular receptionist at the desk (I do know her name) what his name was and I was determined to say good morning back to him today using his name. I thought about it my whole drive in and I was preparing for it and then when I got to the lobby it was empty...he was no where to be found. Ahh....I was ready, I was prepared, I was going to be that person that said other peoples names out loud and make them feel valued.....dang it. Now of course I've forgotten his name and I'll have to ask again. What is in a name?

I realized I like it when people know my name. When I go to a favorite restaurant and the waiter or hostess knows me...I like that. When I go to get my hair done they remember I like a certain type of shampoo and when I go to get my nails done they know I like color, never leave them plain. I like feeling like I matter to people outside myself.....isn't that what this whole life journey is about. Last night I needed coffee...I was working on homework and just couldn't focus so I made a dash over to the Caribou and the boy behind the counter greeted me with a "hey there northern lights, decaf, sugar free vanilla" - haven't seen you in awhile. Without even asking he just made my drink, no questions asked. Oddly it gave me great joy that the barista knew enough about me to make me really happy for a moment.

Life's little joys are what keep us going.

One month from today is Christmas.....how much joy can you give in one month?

Surprises!

I love surprises.....I love unexpected moments.....I love mystery.....I love it.

Today, I was formulating my thoughts about what I wanted to babble about today and suddenly this appeared in my inbox but the sender was blocked. I have no idea who sent it but I love it and I thought this is my blog today! Enjoy!


Be loyal to your friends.

Be strong enough to face the world each day.

Be weak enough to know you cannot do everything alone.

Be generous to those who need your help.

Be frugal with that you need yourself.

Be wise enough to know that you do not know everything.

Be foolish enough to believe in miracles.

Be willing to share your joys.

Be willing to share the sorrows of others.

Be a leader when you see a path others have missed.

Be a follower when you are shrouded by the mists of uncertainty.

Be first to congratulate an opponent who succeeds.

Be last to criticize a colleague who fails.

Be sure where your next step will fall, so that you will not tumble.

Be sure of your final destination, in case you are going the wrong way.

Be loving to those who love you..

Be loving to those who do not love you; they may change.

Above all,

Be yourself.

Hearing what we want to hear

Sometimes we only hear what we want to hear. I talk to people all day and I have to be honest I'm sure I have some kind of ME filter on most times...how does this pertain to ME? I can give most people the surface level connection but I just don't let it go deeper than that. In my jobs I have lots of people contact all day and it can be draining.....I give people credit who choose to do that type of a job all day long, on purpose and remain sane.

Working at the ET is really causing me to practice and hone my listening skills. It's always been my weak point but I'm feeling like the Universe put the ET in my path to make me use and better my listening and hearing skills. Listening and hearing are similar but different. Residents stop in the office all the time and share little blurbs of info with me and me with them but most days I have to say I don't really let it sink in very much. Over the last few days I've had a few residents stop in and share large parts of their life history with me and it amazes me....it blows my mind to know things about these people on a deeper level. I have to say it kinda makes me see them....like really see them. I guess I didn't realize I wasn't doing that.

Who doesn't want to only hear what they want? It's funny when we stop being so self focused how much our world opens up. Wild.

We wear our past like a badge on our sleeve. Some people hide them, some proudly display them for all to see. At some point we become these open books that need to share our life pages. All people need is someone to listen, to hear them.....it's amazing what you hear when you listen.

Does listening to other peoples life stories change your own life story?

Snow covered thoughts

I love my apartment. I love the floor to ceiling windows that overlook the world. Even though I'm only on the 4th floor I love the view when I sit at my table facing the world, especially when it's snowed. The world outside seems calm, beautiful and the rising smoke from the buildings gives me an odd sense of peace. I especially love it when it's snowing those big fluffy white flakes...I feel like I live in a snow globe.

Wouldn't that be kinda cool to live in a snow globe? Wait would it? Wouldn't you be at the mercy of whomever got to shake up your world when they felt like it? Hmm, wait I take that back. I like my world the way it is....even though I'm not really in control at least I don't have to worry about an unexpected shake up....wait.....

I feel like this week has had a lot of life lessons for me. Things I've really known but have sort of ignored....maybe it just was a good week of learning. I've decided to embrace my own life and I've decided that Christmas will come to my home this year! Having made those two decisions seems to have shifted something inside of me and is allowing me to......dare I say it....be happy again. :) I guess if we just accept what IS and stop trying to fight it things snap into place.

I have few regrets in my life....but some days I regret now having my own kids. I know I am super lucky to have a LOT of kids in my life, but not all the time. Which isn't all that bad but I got to have my 6 year old nephew overnight on Thursday and all day Friday and I forget how much work they are but how rewarding they are as well. I love that out of the blue he'll do something that makes my heart melt and then 5 minutes later he's a demon child. I imagine that if I did have a child full time I'd give up and let my hair go completely grey because I am guessing that in about 2 weeks I'd be fighting a losing battle. :)

Kids are really little buckets of joy to have around...probably more so because I don't have them all the time. I love that he loves to just sit at the bookstore and read books with no other agenda in mind...just sitting there reading book after book until he decides he is done. Just fun, free joy. I know in probably another year he won't want to spend this time with me so I'm grabbing it while I can. I love that when we are shopping he tells me he NEEDS something obsure like a floam snowman making kit. But Auntie, I need it. Gives me joy. One of my favorite things is I told him we look with our eyes not our hands and I made this funny sound and said you have make that sound when you look at something and like a litte mocking bird he does it. HA! Plus it's fun to have someone to go do the simple things with like grocery shop, go to Target with an even have lunch with. I introduced him to the concept of "brunch" because I kinda forgot to feed him breakfast....oops. I guess if you had one all the time that would become part of the care and feeding of those little creatures. :)

I also have a greater appreciation for the people in my life this week. People who the Universe has decided for some reason or the other to put in my life path. I have some new friends I am really enjoying getting to know more about and it's refreshing to hang out with people who have no expectations about who I am and just accept me as is.....the little joys in life. Plus it's so enjoyable when someone does something for you just because...like bring you a hot coffee at 7:30am when you have to work on a Saturday! :)

See...when you stop fighting what the Universe brings to you.

Constantly Amazed

I don't know why after this much time I am amazed by what the Universe gives me. I am a firm believer in you get what you give but sometimes I admit, I waver on that belief. I have been feeling lost, unfocused, alone, scattered and a bunch of other things lately but after yesterday and this morning, I am switching gears. I hear you Universe!

I am lucky. I know this. I have lots of people in my life that love me and care for me and I know this but sometimes it just isn't enough. A person, well I guess I mean ME, come to expect certain things from other people and when it doesn't happen like I want it to or think it should, it leaves a hole that I can't seem to fill. That is my own doing, my own choice, I chose to let this person fill some void that they can't possibly be expected to fill. It's not fair and it's most certainly not their role so why do I keep doing that? I guess it's a habit now. I always think if I did this I'd be really happy or if I just get this I'll be really content or if this person would just talk to me my life would be perfect...but you know that's not really how it works. I know that, I'm not stupid but I get so caught up in all the things I don't have or the places I don't get to see or the people I don't get to be with that I forget about all the things I do have. Right here in front of me staring me right in the face.

I'm lucky. I know this but I really forgot this. The Universe sometimes has to kick you really hard and repeatedly to get you to see things. Sometimes you realize these things by the kind deeds someone does just out of the blue. Like buying you a box of fudge bars because you accidentally left yours on TOP of the freezer instead of IN the freezer. Or someone sends you a text message with a nice word or thought. Or someone tells you they are glad you are here. Little things. I went to bed very early last night because I wasn't feeling well and I slept like a log until about 5:30am. I don't think I woke up once which is unusual for me. I think sometimes that helps your mind get in a better place too. So I woke up well rested and with surprisingly good bed hair! I had hope for this day even before it officially began!

Once I got dressed and to work I had two different people (before 7 am!) tell me how nice I looked today. One commented on my new shirt (um $3.96!! I love a clearance sale!) and another said to me "You always look so nice. You really accessorize well too". My instant reaction was "What? You can't be talking to me!?" Then I thought about it....I try hard to look decent. I didn't used to care about it but over the years I've tried to dress appropriately or nice or at least matching - cause anyone who knows me knows that didn't use to be my strong suit. So I thought, you know what...I am going to take that. I AM going to own that. I do try hard to look nice and to make sure I match and to be sort of trendy.....God knows I've made my mistakes but overall, I try. So yes, I am going to take that. Thank you.

I've had friends and family tell me I look nice before but I always think they HAVE to say that. Not really HAVE to but you know, it just feels different coming from someone who doesn't already love you....is that weird? Why do we value some outside person's view on our appearance more than our trusted loved ones? Is it just me or is that weird?

Then I get into my email and my note from the Universe today reads:

I wish there were words to tell you how beautiful life really is, how
safe you always are, and of the love that constantly bathes you.
How powerful you are, how much you can have, and of the glories that await. Of the perfection, the magic, and the infinite possibilities.
But you actually threatened me with bodily harm if I were to ever let you peek at where you were headed before you arrived.

You gangsta',
The
Universe

Wild. First off I love....love the fact that the Universe is calling me "gangsta". Made me feel uber cool and second - the Universe is so mysterious! Not only does it work in so many mysterious ways, it clearly has to kick you (me) in the ass a few times to get you (me) to hear it but today, I hear it. Loud and clear. Woo hoo!

Memories

What would you do without memories? Would you choose to not be able to remember? What if you could choose to not remember the bad things? Some of us do that selectively anyway but what if?

What if you didn't remember you had a sucky childhood, or that you got your heart broke the first time you gave it away? What about all the bad choices you've made, what if you could just forget them. If you could would that mean you would then forget all the good things to? Would you forget that your grandparents loved you unconditionally? Would you forget what it felt like to love and to be loved in return? What it felt like when you left home for the first time? Can we choose our memories?

I have this one very distinct memory of my father that is probably the one real time I can remember feeling safe, protected even loved by him. Not that he ever endangered us or anything but he was kind of this non present person in my life most of the time. I was in grade school, 3rd or 4th grade and we lived in Chicago. A fireworks factory blew up and caused great distress because people didn't know what was happening and they all assumed we were being bombed. Chicago doesn't seem like a hot spot for bombings but whatever. Anyway, I remember sitting in the basement of the school huddled with my sister waiting for something to happen. I remember looking up and seeing my dad standing there frantically looking around for us and I remember the HUGE releif I felt as we ran into his arms. I never felt more safe or loved. It's funny....I wonder if my dad or even my sister remembers that in the same way I do?

What would your life look like if you didn't tell yourself things were difficult or that you couldn't do that? Where would you be? What if you couldn't have a negative thought about yourself? You life would look very very different. You begin to live in a whole different color.

What color is fear, hate or even failure?

Ho Ho Ho this year has to go

It's been an interesting year. They always are. Started out the year with hope for a lot of great things planned for myself and as usual, life got in the way. It hasn't really been a bad year, but I am really ready for it to be done. Bring on 2009.

I find I really struggle when too many things go awry at once in my life. I can handle change, I can handle dissappointment - fine, whatever...bring it on but when all aspects of my life at once are experiencing downward turns it gets a little overwhelming and I tend to want to burrow in and hide from the world. I need to be away from all outside forces and let the dust settle until things calm down again...it's not the right thing to do I'm sure but that's what I need to do. At least that's what I've really discovered about myself. People who know me well know how much I like to do things, I hate being alone - maybe hate isn't the right word, I don't enjoy it. I usually have stuff going on all the time but lately I've found that if I hide away from the world I am able to think and sort things out. It's hard to get others to understand that I need to do this. It's not personal, it's just what I need to do.

It's too bad this is all happening at this time of the year, it's usually my favorite time of the year. October through December is usually my peak time. This year however, it's really taken me by surprise how unmotivated I am to participate in the holidays. Ugh. I need these next few weeks to be done so I can move onto the new year with a fresh plate and hopefully a fresh perspective.

This too shall pass, it always does.

Sometimes a dream is just a dream

I've really been active on the dream front lately. One would say it's because I keep such a busy life that I don't allow my own thoughts to penetrate my psyche so it has to wait until I am asleep to sink in and make me think...I say there is just too much going on around me to process it all until I sink into sleep.

Anyway, dreams are your body's way of catching you up on what you are blocking or missing on a daily basis. Last night I dreamed I was at a garage sale in this huge tent and the only thing for sale were pictures. All kinds....framed, snapshots, moving pictures (like in the Harry Potter movies) and I was looking at all the pictures but a few of my friends were standing back at the table you pay at and talking about which pictures I was going to like....almost like they were betting on it. It's weird because it was a mix of my friends, friends from my life, school, work and from ET - weird mix.

Then my friend Val came up to me and said don't you want this picture? It was a 3-d picture and I said I needed to see it hanging up on a wall to decide. Then my friend Eric came up and opened a door in the tent wall and we were in his house and hung the picture up and we stood and looked at it. He decided that he liked it and wouldn't give it to me. I was arguing with him and he just kept laughing at me saying no...it was his now. I was getting so angry because of course now I WANTED the picture. Then another person came and told me I had to leave. It was so bizarre!!! Hmm....were we really arguing over a picture? Wonder what it really means.

I looked up a sale and here it what it says: Dreaming of a yard or garage sale indicates your inner ability to recycle skills on a continuous basis towards new challenges in your life.Remember all humans have an incredible ability to adapt to new environments and you are no different.

Interesting. Is it telling me that no matter what I am going to be OK? That no matter what happens with work or my life that I will continue to thrive and adjust and continue? Very thought provoking. We have the ability to adapt to our new environments but that doesn't mean we thrive in them. How do we adjust and thrive in a constantly changing environment?

Who are you today?

Isn't is kind of amazing that we can choose who we want to be each and every day. I remember when I did stand up comedy, the one thing I really liked about it was I got to choose who I was going to be on stage each time. I could be who ever I wanted, it was fun and it was a great outlet.

One of my favorite quotes is who are you when no one else is around.....I also like the quote that says I want to be the type of person my dog thinks I am. Who are we really?

Many people say they work for a paycheck, but when you dig a little deeper, you'll often hear more personal reasons for waking up and heading to work. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my purpose. What is my personal motivation and what do I really need and want from my job?

Just as organizations use mission statements to guide their actions, we personally should have a personal purpose statement. What "fuels" us? I was talking to a new friend, he's 25 and was talking about his life path.....it got me to thinking. I thought about things I haven't thought about in a long long time. Like what did I think I was going to be when I grew up? What did I want out of life? If I die tomorrow what do I want to be remembered for? What is my legacy?


"To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end in life."

Everybody has a story

I worked at the ET today and as usual, I learned a life lesson today. Every body has a story. There is this woman here who is what I would call a crumudgeon....a cranky woman. She is not very friendly and sort of barks at people. If she calls down to the office for something she asks the question and once she hears the answer she just hangs up....no thank you, no good bye, just hangs up. Others say she just has a rough exterior but i had yet to see it.

Today she had a christmas tree (a mini 2ft plant) delivered and I helped her bring it up to her apt. She was very nice and chatty with me. Then she came down to get her mail and chatted with me and the mail man for about 20 minutes. What an interesting life she has....well what an interesting story she has. She is easily in her 60's, doesn't drive, works in a law firm 2 blocks from the ET and doesn't take crap from anyone.

It's funny when we listen to the stories others have...every life is a story. I forget that others have more to them then the short interactions or moments I have with them. I have to remember that no one is on their journey alone.

Complicated - who me?

My boss and I were chatting this morning and sort of sharing our life's woe's.....he about his kids sports involvement which in turn means a huge financial output as well as time and me of my latest school "issue". I fear I may NEVER graduate!!! Anyway, my boss said to me...."you are one complicated person". I laughed but then I started thinking about it....am I really a complicated person?

Maybe sometimes I can be "high maintenance" and maybe even a bit of a diva but overall I think I'm worth the work....but complicated - I don't see it. He then said "you must have lots of internal conversations". Actually I sort of have them out loud, at my desk, all day long. I don't know that there is much about me that is quiet...or internal. I guess it's not all bad.....it just always surprises me when people call me out on my oddities.....I always think that no one knows the trouble I've seen. My comment back to him was "hey....it's not easy being me". We both laughed, it's true its NOT!

Today's quote may be one I used before but it fits:

Let the world know you as you are
not as you think you should be
because sooner or later, if you are posing
you will forget the pose.

Live out loud.

Chicken Noodle Soup

Remember when you were a kid and didn't feel good your mom would make you chicken noodle soup and all your cares would melt away as you sipped that chickeny goodness? I'd like a big old pot right about now.

I discovered Hayhouse Radio on line today and there are lots of audio programs you can listen to and I'm digging this one from Dr. Wayne Dyer....change your thoughts, change your life. He's going on an on about how our thoughts cause us to act upon what we think about. If we think we are unhappy, we are going to stay unhappy. He challenges us to think about our thoughts. This isn't news...but it's kind of nice to put on headphones and tune out all the office chatter that happens. I am really enjoying tuning into my own self during the work day.

He is talking about habits....and not just our caffeine habits or not exercising habits but our thinking habits. That things we think are difficult end up being difficult because we tell ourselves that. I can relate to that. I had immense panic during my 2 math classes. I remember telling myself...it's not going to be that bad....you can do this. It took a lot of work and time and work to get through those classes...but I did it...I got B's in both classes. I challenged myself and I was able to do it but honestly, it was exhausting! I was so physically and mentally exhausted by the end of those 12 weeks that I don't know how people can do that all the time. Maybe it gets easier the more you push yourself to do that. I don't know if I can keep on doing that.

One thing he talked about for a long time is some book called The Dao (spelling?) he talks about how powerful that book is. He believes that books have energy. They can strengthen or weaken you just by having them. He believes that just by carrying this book The Dao around, you can absorb the energy it has. I kinda get that. I think that's what my friend Troy gets from books.... energy. He's the one friend I have that seems to devour books...he must get some sort of energy from not only reading them but from owning them. Books have energy.

One other thing he talked about is how owning things bogged down his life. He talks about how he left his whole old life behind...he left his home, his family, his life and he just sort of walked away and started over. I often think of doing that but I don't think the average joe can do that...I think if I had money I could....I could walk away from everything if I could afford to...is that just a negative thought or is that reality? Thoughts become things...choose the good ones.

Bring on the chicken noodle soup.

Steering

Life is like a car.....(sounds Forest Gump like doesn't it) - it's all about how you are steering. Sometimes you have both hands planted firmly on the wheel and you are barrelling down life's highway and sometimes, you are in the passenger seat staring out the window watching the world go by. You have to grab hold of that wheel and steer.

Do we really get to be the drivers of our own life or does fate, circumstances, the economy, life become the driver and we simply sit back and try to enjoy the ride?

Today's message from the Universe reads:

Always when you just don't know what you want, want happiness, and when you just don't know what to do, do anything. You can start today -
The Universe

Man, that Universe is one smart dude huh. Just want happiness....sounds so easy. My friend says I have to quit fighting it...to give into the life I have....is that true? Will that make me happy? It's not like my life is bad, that's not it...it's just missing something....like I keep hitting all these potholes (notice the car/road reference all through this...nice huh!) in my road of life and I got some axel damage I can't seem to fix. I want to be driving on my road but apparently I do need a GPS for my life. That's a good title for a book...GPS for Life.

Do anything. Hmm, something to think about. I had a thought today as I drove into work, I remember this summer when I was at my friends cabin and I found that "thinking place" out on the water. I remember how the quiet and the stillness allowed me to actually think....I need a retreat place...a place to go to that is away from the world, my world and just be. Now I guess I'd like a fireplace and big windows to watch the snow fall.....doesn't that sound delightful!

I love Facebook, it's a fun way to connect with lots of people with little commitment. Little snippets of people's life in minutes. I love it...I wish more people used it. I connected with an old co-worker from a previous company recently who I haven't seen or talked to in about 3 1/2 years. All of a sudden she is married (she wasn't even seeing anyone when I knew her), bought a house and just had a baby. All in a short period of time. How does that happen? How does one life move so fast in some direction and others seem to be in the same place they were 3 1/2 years ago....just with better shoes?

Who is steering my car?

A fine line

Fate or Coincidence? Which came first? Do things happen because of fate or coincidence?

Fate is synonymous with destiny. It is more often used in reference to topics based more on spirituality and religion. Coincidence offers a non-religious, explanation that is readily accepted by those that oppose any form of God's hand in decisions. Its premise is found on the law of chance. Those that believe in coincidence usually believe in luck. I believe in luck. I also believe in destiny. Does one get to triumph the other?

I've been told before that I am lucky. I don't feel lucky...I don't even really get that someone can be lucky but I guess I've had my fair share of good things happen but is that luck? I sometimes think of my life in terms of what I've done before...that my results are direct reactions to something I've done in my past...karma coming to bite me in the ass or to reward me as the situation dictates. Can one choose to be lucky?

I sometimes feel like my life is destined to be a certain way and then something happens that changes that for me...some event or situation and all of a sudden there is a different outcome that I never saw coming....life is funny.

I've been super sleepy during the daytime and wide awake at night lately. Like yesterday, I could have closed my eyes at about 2 o'clock and been sound asleep in two minutes - at work, in a meeting while presenting....seriously....so tired. Then I got home, ran errands (actually did some Christmas shopping!!) came home, avoided homework until about 9:30 then was up until about 11pm (my usual bed time) and then I laid in bed for probably an hour....wide awake. What the heck? Now today, I was all perky and wide awake but about 15 minutes ago I hit the wall.....I am freezing and sleepy....what is happening? Getting old sucks.

Is it my destiny to be this person? Am I on a path that can't be changed? Do I get a choice in how the rest of my life turns out our is it predetermined already? What if these are the good years. Man....I need to find a palm reader!!

The simple life

My nephew turned 6 this weekend. He's the youngest of my neices and nephews and still wants to and enjoys spending time with me. The others are too big and are trying to have their own lives and I am so far down on their list that I really only get to seem them during holidays. But not T....he loves his auntie and still likes to hang with me...he even hugged and kissed me in public....at the Mall of America...in front of God and everyone. Makes me happy. We went to the Rainforest Cafe, 0ne of his favorite places even though he hates it when it thunders and the monkeys come out, played minature golf and then closed down the day in the theme park area.

Do you remember the days when getting that one present made your life perfect? For T it was getting his creepy crawlers.....he wanted that so bad and so my sister and I played the perfect aunties and got it for him. His face lit up when he opened it and he came up to me later and said that was his favorite present...I almost cried. How magical that moment is when you open up something your heart desires more than life itself. For me....I really only remember it happening one time....when I was 13 I got my candle making kit that I was DYING for. I remember wanting it sooooo badly, I begged my mom for it...I was too old to beleive in Santa anymore but I secretly prayed to him to bring it to me and every present I opened Christmas morning I prayed was the kit. FINALLY....the last present, I had all but given up hope and then angels sang! Man I wanted that kit...I was so excited to get it and I imagined all the amazing candles I would make. Well like most of life's experiences, it was a huge dissappointment. It was really hard and I needed adult help and let me tell you...sitting with me to make candles was so far down on my parents list of things to do that I don't think I ever made one single candle.

Wouldn't life be great if it were like that moment...that moment of getting what you really really wanted. If we could bottle that exact moment and use it when we needed it that would be amazing. Though if we did that I suppose those actual moments wouldn't be as amazing then.....the glass is always half full...or empty.....or something.

I want a creepy crawlers moment. Is it possible to have those moments as an adult? Do we become so jaded by life that we forget to enjoy the little moments? I sure hope not.

Boring or Routine?

I realized last night after a long bath that I fear becoming boring. As I soaked in the tub I thought about a lot of things…who I am, who I think I am and who I want others to think I am and I realized I’m this close to becoming boring, average, dull – routine.

Boring = a dull, tiresome, or uncongenial person (very unfavorable to life or growth). Boring, dreary, dry, dull, humdrum, irksome, monotonous, stuffy, tedious, tiresome, uninteresting, wearisome, weary.

Routine = a customary or regular course or procedure. Commonplace tasks, chores or duties. Regular, unvarying, habitual, unimaginative or rote procedure. Chronic, habitual, everyday, familiar, frequent, regular, average, common, repetitive,
widespread, rut.

I thought about my life in terms of a week. I do homework on Monday’s, have school on Tuesday's, work on Wednesday's, have some sort of IAAP on Thursday's and try like heck to find something to do on Friday's and then the weekend. I’m boring…or am I in a routine? I don’t know that there is much of a difference. If you are boring can you change that?

When my nephew was little when he was bored he used to say “Auntie I’m boring” I’d laugh and tell him “don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it”. What if you’ve grown into that? Can a person out grow boring?

I've always hated being average, status quo, a "C" student but on the other hand I want to be considered the "same as everyone else". Can a person have both? Should they? I try hard to be my own person, sometimes to the point of being stubborn or yes I'll say it....pig headed. It's hard to figure out who you are and what you want.

I've said it before, you can't look for external validation to make you feel anything but we do...well at least I do. If my job doesn't define me and my life doesn't define me....what defines me?

Do we all become so accustomed to routine in our lives that we become creatures of habit so easily?

The note from the Universe to day is:

Of course not everyone understands you,
It takes crazy to know crazy.
It takes sexy to know sexy.
And most assuredly, it takes cool to know cool.
Yeah, un-hun, alright -
The Universe

Wow....I am sexy, crazy AND cool. What more can a girl ask for?

Unexpected thoughts

I suppose the everyone in the world is going to blog about the election...but me...you know I need to be on my own path so as usual, I am going to blather on about me. But one note on the election...WOW! Freaking A - American spoke loud and clear didn't they? Now if they can just settle the Senator race. Wild.

I had an off day yesterday. I had a bad case of the dropsies all day...you know...every time you touch something it falls or breaks or makes a mess. It was making me really crabby and to top it off I was told a volunteer "opportunity" at work was going to be mandatory. How is an "opportunity" mandatory? It angered me. How about asking me...how about saying hey, we can really use your help...how about that? It's not that I really objected to the "opportunity" but don't tell me one thing and then expect a different outcome...no wonder in my dreams I am biting people.

I have had dreams the last few nights where I have been biting people...I asked my friend to look in her dream book to see what it means. It said:I fear emasculation or I feel particularly attractive. Interesting. So I looked up the word emasculate - it means deprived of or lacking strength or vigor. Wow, I am having some deep dreams aren't I?

So then I start to really think about it and I go back to my dream book and read what I wrote. The first night I dreamed I was biting people at the ET....not hard or in an angry mean way, just biting them. Both boys and girls so it's not like I was just picking one...I apparently am an equal opportunity biter. Then the next night I was biting people at my day job....again...boys and girls. Odd. Then I started thinking....what am I really feeling? Am I feeling emasculated? If I'm honest, I think yes....I don't feel like I have strength...is that the same a power? And if I am still being honest I never feel attractive. I sometimes feel pretty good about myself if I have on a good outfit, the right shoes or my hair seems to actually be cooperating but attractive - never. It's not self deprecating, its just how I feel....it's who I am.

So then this starts a cycle of thinking that keeps me up way too late last night considering I had to be at work at 6am today for a event. Thinking is sometimes good but it's like the next day I'm in a thinking fog...I begin to over analyze things and I begin to read WAY too much into things. Like conversations I had...I start thinking - what did that really mean?

Last night in class there was a moment when the entire class (about 20 of us) all had a moment where they all had the same opinion/comment about me...like they expected me to respond in a certain way to an event and I thought.....am I so predictable that these people who I just spend one night a week with can predict my every move? Am I really such an open book?

Well here I am, in a thinking fog and apparently an open book. How do you close the book and write a new chapter?

Grand Gestures

What compels a person to stand on a bridge over the highway holding up political signs at 7am in the morning? Do they really think someone driving will see a McCain poster and say...wait, I changed my mind I am NOW going to vote for him? Don't you think people have already made up their minds? Do you really think a sign will change their mind? And don't these people have jobs? Lives? Something better to do than to stand on a bridge with a sign? I guess it's what they are passionate about so who am I to mock them?

Yesterday as I wandered at lunch trying to process all that is happening at work, I came across a sight that made me stop and stare. This couple was sitting outside by the fountain and the boy yelled out loud - I LOVE THIS WOMAN! He was clearly very happy about something and it made me thing about big grand gestures that people do for one another and it made me think.

I love big grand gestures. I also love surprises, unpredictable moments and unexpected events. But are they really necessary in life or in a relationship? Isn't it enough to have one other person know a food you can't eat, a drink you enjoy or to remember something you said? The quiet little moments that leave a mark on another person and they then pass it forward? I love the moments when some small gesture you did or some comment you made comes back to you as something meaningful for that other person. Those are the moments that make me happy.

I wonder how many moments in a day a person has an opportunity to leave a mark on another person and they don't even know it. I love getting a text in the middle of the day from someone because that means they were thinking about me when I am not even there. It makes me happy and feel included....same with an email...but somehow texting seems more personal...they had to chose to send it to me....not some group of people. It's not a grand gesture but it's a gesture.

Life goes by so fast, there are so many opportunites to make differences in others lives with small gestures but once in awhile who doesn't enjoy a big grand gesture?

Balance

How much of our identity, sense of self and self-esteem is linked to our work?

Work defines us externally. It gives us an identity to the outside world. I am who I am because of what I do. Work is usually a continuation of one’s education and what serves as a base for our sense of worth. Then there is the inner identity….who you are when no one else is around. The trick is learning to balance the two.

How do you learn to balance your inner and outer lives?

I am not completely dissatisfied with my life so far, it has its good points, however, I do feel like I’ve missed out on something by not choosing a career path in my 20’s like most people. Now I’m in my 40’s and feeling like I’ve made wrong choices. I feel like I need to make a change, or maybe to actually choose a path. Is that what being in school is about? I feel like I need a new game plan with a different balance between work and other life goals – wait, maybe I should actually get some “other life goals” first. Man being an adult is hard!

Work has considerable advantages as an opportunity to establish our own personal status. The objectives and criteria for success at work are clear. Rewards are recognized and visible to others. Where there is good there is always bad….rather a downside. At work, you are rarely in control of your own destiny; the criteria for success changes without warning or notice and more importantly economic downturns half a world away abruptly take away your job. It’s really easy to judge success in your work life than in your personal life.

How long will it take to know if you have been successful as a parent or a spouse? How can you judge whether you've fulfilled your potential as a human being outside the purely economic realm of existence? How can you compare the benefits of basing your personal identity on things outside of work with the benefits you can expect for making work your life?

People focus on work success because it’s easy and because they truly see it as the center of their lives. In such an achievement-dominated world, deciding not to work to live makes others view you as lazy or an under achiever. We tend to admire or idolize those who have “made it”. Does a career really define who we are? Are those with careers really any happier or better off because we put them on some imaginary pedestal?

What gives them an identity? Work is a substitute for many things, it’s easy to get lost in and it’s socially acceptable to do so. It’s also a way to avoid other things in your life.

Can you change your self identity by changing a job?