Doubt

What is doubt and why do we have it? Doubt is really just our fear acting out. It's our inability to see events or actions as anything else but totally negative.

Why is that so easy to get to? Why do we easily doubt ourselves first? Why do we automatically go to the dark side, the negative? They won't like me, I am not good enough, I can't do that, the world is against me, I am not pretty enough, or smart enough. The world is full of threats, real threats, why do we add all these self imposed doubts?

I often doubt what people say to me. I don't mean to, I don't try to, it's just my first instinct. I automatically think they are just being nice to me and don't mean it. I know it's my own issue but I guess I get scared to get sucked into believing what they say is the truth only to find out they don't really mean what they say. Living in fear....not good.

Actions speak louder than words - like when someones says "you look good today" but they make a face like they are repulsed by you (that didn't happen to me but you get the idea...well it kind has, but not recently) it's hard to trust, to not doubt what people say. Someone said to me yesterday "you really give people the benefit of the doubt" I was really surprised by that. I didn't realize that was something others could even see.

Yesterday I must have been having a really good hair/clothes day because several people commented on how nice I looked and I was so surprised and yes, I totally doubted what they were saying. I mean I try, I try hard to look my best and I know I don't always succeed but I'm always surprised when I actually do...and people comment on it. Why is it we set out to do something, to accomplish a task and when we do, we easily doubt.

I realize I have a lot of doubt. I have doubt in my own abilities and often in the abilities of others. I doubt the loyalty of others, their sincerity, their love, their fidelity...everything - not all the time but it's there. I realize that doubt is really more about the "not knowing" and if I can just learn to embrace doubt as a natural state of being, it won't cause me so much anxiety. "Not knowing" can be a great adventure, it can mean you are open to all possibilities and in turn be willing to be in the moment. It means you can accept the humble state of being human and realize that things are not black and white (what? I can't even believe I said that!) and that the color of "doubt" is all the gray in between. What color are emotions?

I guess if I truly embrace doubt, it means I have to be willing to be wrong and to accept my own shortcomings thus meaning I have to accept them as parts of who I am and not parts that are missing or incomplete.

I guess overall doubt is kind of a cool thing. The day I stop doubting, is the day I stop breathing. I'm in no hurry to get there, at all.