Who we are

It's funny, some days I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I hate who I am, I hate what I look like, I hate everything about what it is that makes me....me. Then there are days....rare, odd days like today, when I look in the mirror and I'm like....wow...look at me! I look good! I feel good, the wrapping on this old body is pretty good and by golly, who wouldn't want this? Who wouldn't want to hang with this? I look like I am somebody, I look like I mean business and it's rare but I think when you feel that way, people start to take you at face value. I gotta say, it makes me act differently and have kind of a big girl attitude even when I went to get my coffee I felt like Um excuse me....out of my way....do you know who I am?! I walk with a purpose, I stand taller and I feel sassier. Wow...who would have thought a new pair of pants and shirt could do that to a girl??

What is it that makes us feel so different about ourselves each day? Usually when I look in the mirror I often put some sort of filter over it and I force myself to like what I see. But I feel like I don't often like what I see and it's wearing to keep pushing yourself to that level. Honestly it's like most days that mirror is covered in Vaseline and I feel blurry and unfocused and I don't even understand what that really means.....some days I can wipe that away and push through to a less muddled me but not often enough. Today though, today the mirror is clean, shiny, bright and.....I don't know...it's just different. Maybe because I had a fun Saturday night with some people I don't get to see very often or it's because I actually got some really good sleep last night for the first time in a really long time. I don't remember waking up at all during the night. Hard to say but I have to say, I sure like waking up feeling like this. Wish it were more often.

As I rode the elevator to my floor this morning I looked at myself in the mirrored elevator doors and I looked and felt like someone who means business today. I mean I look like someone who is going to get things done. Let's see if my day holds up to what the reflection seemed to be saying to me.

I have some new job duties that while they are fun, they are also challenging me, pushing me outside my comfort and knowledge zone. I'm expected to rise to the challenge and that really scares me. I'm often like an ostrich...I poke my head up and see what's happening but when it gets hard or challenging, I just want to bury my head in the sand where it's safe. Safe...that's how I've been living my life...in my own little protected bubble. I said it was the year of no rules and I had a good start but I think I'm starting to bury my head...I want to continue forward in my quest but I can sense the trepidation and the fear starting to creep in and I feel myself pulling back into my own little bubble. Dang it if we aren't complicated individuals!

I need to keep pushing myself. I need to get out, to explore, to do more....well to do more things I've not done before. If you keep doing the same old thing, you will only get the same old thing so if I expect it to change, I have to be the change. Oh God, now I sound like a greeting card. Are we really that complicated? Are we really so unsure of ourselves all the time or is it just me?

I had some time this weekend to work on finishing unpacking my house, to getting things really settled and I'm getting there but it's not quite there yet. I did some shopping, which always makes me feel happy and slowly it's coming together. I feel like there are little things I need to do to feel at home, to feel settled. Maybe once I get the bedroom and bathroom painted I'll feel settled? Maybe. Do we keep putting those conditions on ourselves, on our happiness, on our contentment?

I love my new house, I like my new stuff and I think I'm comfortable there. Maybe I just need to break it in with a gathering. I feel like I have a space now that I want to have people over.

If you build it they will come...right?