Oh what a time it was!

Here we are on the cusp of the end of not only a year, but an entire decade. A decade has passed us all by. It's amazing when you think about how fast time really does go by us all.

So much has happened in the last year. Two and a half days are left in this year and I'm really unprepared for not only a new year but a new decade. Holy cow....how do you even begin to plan for something like this? So many thoughts swirl through my head about this last year. It's been good in so many ways and challenging in so many others. Big personal internal life changes have occurred, I graduated, I moved into a bigger apartment, had a few car repairs, spent some time traveling (not nearly enough) and honestly when I look in the mirror I can barely recognize who I even am anymore. Not because physically I've changed but the eyes staring back at me are so different from any I remember seeing before. It was a year of living out loud and pushing the envelope and I had my soul and heart torn up a bit but overall, it was a year of growing and pushing and learning about myself more than any other I've had in a really long time.

I probably am putting more pressure on myself for the new year than I need to but New Years is a time to celebrate new beginnings, new choices, new opportunities and I feel if I don't make a plan for it, make some decisions or choices about which path to follow I will be lost. I don't know that I can leave it up to chance or the fates or anyone to make the choice of what my year will bring. I need to pick a path and start venturing down it. I'm really really tired of sitting in the back seat of my own life letting the fates or the Universe pick my direction....I need to get in the drivers seat and put the pedal to the metal. I need to feel the wind in my hair.

I am so lucky and blessed to have some amazing friends in my life that get me....they really get me and they ride along with me on all the crazy paths I venture down and they support me in my troubled times and forgive me in my bad times. I can't imagine not having people like that in my life. I have so much to be grateful for, so many things I can't even begin to count high enough to be thankful for them. I think I probably need to make a list...perhaps I'll end my blogging with the list.

For now I continue to think ahead to a new year with new hopes and plans and goals for a better 2010. I will create a list of all the good things in my life but for now I will will create a list of what I want in my new year - now keep in mind these are off the top of my head/heart, they may need some fine tuning:

• Health
• Happiness
• Lots of laughter
• Time with my friends
• Girls weekends
• Long drives
• Unplanned adventures
• Continued employment
• Love returned
• More time with my nieces and nephews
• Peace
• Travel

I realize they are kind of general but overall I want 2010 to be a year that let's me look back on it and say - what a year this was and look where I ended up.

Awesome.

Gently falling

As I laid on the couch last night staring out the window at the gently falling snow pondering life I thought about how fast life changes. How quickly things go from good to bad and visa verse. As I thought back over my year and all the ups and downs I realized how fast life does change. Between my parents health issues, finishing school, working both full time and part time and the disaster of a mess I've made of my personal life.....it changes in the blink of an eye.

I started this year planning on a NO RULES kind of year and mostly I had that but even the best laid plans have their flaws. NO RULES does have it's consequences as well. Can't really have a NO RULES plan without a consequences plan. There was the flaw in my plan. I wanted to live a life without thinking, without planning, without anything and the problem was that when you do that, it upsets the delicate balance of life and things change. Things happen and you can't avoid them.

I let myself go down a new and unknown path, I experienced life in a out loud kind of way and I challenged myself to live a life I never expected I could. I had fun in the moment but my heart kind of took a beating. It's funny the things we forget about on our journey to find ourselves. I forget we are one whole package, we are one being and everything is dependant on something else. We can't live a life without seeing the entire picture. I spent a lot of time this year thinking. I don't know that I am very good at thinking outside of myself.

So....once I figured that out and got back on some kind of track it was late in the year and now here we are at the end of the year and as I look back on the entire year I think it was OK. It wasn't a terrible year, it wasn't my best but it wasn't OK. I did a lot of new things, I expanded my circle of life in lots of new and exciting ways and had fun while I did it but now as I sit here planning my new year I wonder what will I be thinking at the end of 2010?

Right now I feel pretty average, pretty middle of the road, kinda blah. I don't feel like I have a plan for the new year, I don't really feel like making one either. This year is so close to being over and I really need to make some decisions about next year but I am a little unsure about making plans for the new year....I suppose if I don't plan it however, it will plan itself. So I better make some decisions.

I am lucky enough to have some amazing friends that have stood by me through the thick and thin of this year and my family who are the most resilient group of people I have ever known. I have my health and I have a job and I have a place to lay my head at night. Overall I have an abundance of things that I don't really count every day and who knows what tomorrow will bring but for now...I have enough. I am enough. I do enough. I am OK.

2010 is so full of potential right now that it kind of scares me and at the same time feels so amazing. I want to ask for so much for myself for this year but I am afraid to ask for it in fear that I won't get it. I want to ask for love, happiness, peace, health, friends and fortune. Not to much to ask for is it?

It's snowing again as I am sitting here and from my windows it makes the world look like a snow globe. I want to grab it and shake it and see where it all settles. Gently falling flakes fall and blow around with no care where they land. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. No planning, no hoping it just is.

We could learn a lot from a snowflake. They don't care where they land or what they do, their only job is to fall gently and quietly from the sky and settle where they land. Here's hoping that 2010 let's us all settle where we land.

Bring on 2010

Life is a cakewalk

Been so busy lately between real work, part time work, the holidays, my life.....seems like I can't catch my breath. Every year at this time however, it tends to feel like this. I have so much LESS going on but it feels busier.

The Universe had this to say to me today:

You see, life isn't supposed to be all "cakewalk" and no "baking." Especially not for those who like to experiment, take risks, and be surprised.
Please pass the sparklers,
The Universe

I like that thought....remember the good old fashioned cake walks? A bunch of beautiful cakes were supplied and then a circle of numbers was made and when the music started you all walked in a circle until the music stopped and number was drawn and you PRAYED it was your number! You then got to pick your favorite cake. I like the thought of life being like a cakewalk.

I have said I'd like a soundtrack for my life but imagine if I had cakewalk like music and each time it stopped something happened. I would get to choose something. Maybe one time I'd choose sprinkles, another time something sinful, and yet another something senseable and healthy. I think sometimes I get so hung up on getting to that other point, across that bridge that I forget the journey there is sometimes part of the process. I always want to be at the end. I want the happily ever after. What if that doesn't exist? What if all we get is what we have? Is that really so very bad?

Overall my life is pretty amazing. I have my health, I have a decent family, amazing friends, a pretty awesome home, a stable (secure???) job and reliable transportation....what more do I really need? I have so much more than a lot of people and yet I always think I'm missing something. I look at other people's life and I want bits and peices of what they have but I don't know that I want the entire package. I don't know that I'm meant for long term, for permanent, what if I am only suppose to be the that short term person? Are some people only meant for that? Are we all suppose to be permanent?

Sometimes thinking of leads to better places and sometimes it just opens more and more windows.

Choose your destiny

I've been crazy busy lately. Can't really blame it on the holidays because it's not like it's been going to parties kind of busy. It's life maintenance and work and trying to squeeze in all the I should be doing these things kind of busy. I've been thinking a lot lately about what it is I really want...maybe WANT isn't even the right word.

Wanting is great....it gets us from point A to point B but is wanting enough? I mean I want to have money and I want to have someone in my life and I want my friends and family to be happy and safe but really....those are wants....maybe I need to re-think it...what do I NEED?

This time of the year always makes me a little....melancholy. I always wish I had the Hallmark Christmas....the family, the kids, the husband, the friends that you see on TV...but the reality is I have a good life. I have a decent family, I have great friends, I have a lot more than most people and yet it always feels like it's not enough. Not that I don't appreciate what I have but I feel like there is one piece to the puzzle missing and every time I think I have my hand on it, got it grasped tight in my hand it doesn't fit. As hard as I try to make it fit, it just doesn't.

The Universe of course weighs in:

Should you choose to go, do, and be, at the end of your life, shocked and dismayed, you'll likely exclaim that because of all the uncanny events, wild timing, weird coincidences, and sheer chance encounters, all of your life's good fortune must have been your destiny.

Or, should you choose to wait, wish, and hope, at the end of your life, shocked and dismayed, you'll likely exclaim that because of all the uncanny events, wild timing, weird coincidences, and sheer chance encounters, all of your life's bad luck must have been your destiny.
Do you see what the difference is?
It ain't me,
The Universe

Interesting. I know this....I get this...I understand I have a choice in my destiny...to an extent, that I get to choose that I am enough, that I have enough that all is well....but it's not, so until it is I can't get there, I can't be that person.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...it's hard to be an adult.

How do you find it? How do you finally get

How badly do you want what you want?

Of course the Universe weighs in on my thoughts without me even asking:

I love this job! You know, writing you every day. Do you know how I got it? No, besides being the Universe and getting whatever I want. Yes! I just started doing it. And that's all anything takes.
The Universe

P.S. Of course it'll feel funny at first, might even look funny, but how badly do you want what you want?

Interesting isn't it? How badly do we want what we really want? I always think I want what I don't have but the minute I get it, or get close to it becomes SO clear that I don't really want THAT. I want some form of it, some edited version, some piece of THAT but never THAT. I wonder what that means? I wonder what that is telling me? Why do we always seem to want that impossible, unattainable want? Is that part of life?

Are we always suppose to be wanting that elusive "thing", to always be striving for something and then having to settle for what we do have. I don't want to settle, I don't want to have the "eh, you'll do" kind of a life. I want the life that I envision inside my head. I'm scared that doesn't exist. Is it possible to want the un-wantable life?

What's love got to do with it?

I know when people fall in love the rest of the world falls away. Friends get forgotten, jobs become less important and nothing matters except being with that other person. I get it, I accept it but I also know it fades. Sometimes really, really quickly.

That euphoric feeling is so amazing while it lasts and then one day, reality sets in and it all becomes routine again. Everything kind of settles into place and it become the same old every day mundane type of a life you had before, except there is one other person there you have to now take into account with every decision you make. You no longer own your life. You have to begin thinking in terms of WE or US. You no longer make your own rules. Is that the life I want? Really?

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to decide whether or not your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Why doesn't THAT feeling last? Why doesn't that butterflies in the tummy, you can't think about a day without them feeling last? Why does it all have to stop and morph into reality.

I'd like to live in the land of la la.

Somethings not missing

I used this as my Facebook quote today: It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

It really struck me that we go through life looking so hard for what's missing, for something that we can't quite find and then one day, all of a sudden something arrives and you realize it may have been there all along but we just never saw it. Never embraced it or let it in. All of a sudden things go from being so difficult and confusing to meh.....it's not that big of a deal. What a difference it is when you find that missing peice.

The Universe needed to weigh in on it to. It says: It's not unreturned love, from a certain someone, that hurts. It's just that sometimes the "thing" you're focusing on, keeps you from feeling all the love that others are sending you.
Especially me, me, me -
The Universe

P.S. In other words, the more it seems that "love" hurts, the more you can be sure it's something else.

So many messages come at us all the time.....it's these simple ones that stop me in my tracks and make me think.

Brand new thoughts

When ever I think about New Years something in the pit of my stomache twists just a little bit. There is so much pressure, so much expectations put on one day that it kind of makes me want to sleep through it. On the other hand, I almost always wish I were at some fabulous party with music and decorations and at midnight everyone would sing the song and confetti would fall from the ceiling. Aww......that's the New Years I want. Maybe I wouldn't feel so anxeity ridden to make some new decisions if it were like that. Maybe it would be easier to change my thining if it weren't so boring and stressful.

I wonder as the year comes to an end - Where will I be at this time next year? Who will I be? And what will I be dreaming of? I am sooo not the same person I was at the beginning of this year and I soooo never imagined I'd be where I am at right now.....it's been a roller coaster or a year, and not all bad. Emotionally it's been a crazy year, physically not much has changed...I might even have the same hair I started the year out with....is that possible that none of that has changed at all in one year? I might have to go back and review pictures.

I've sure laughed, loved and cried a lot more this year than in any past years I can remember. I guess that's good...beats the alternative. I've cultivated some great new friends and feel like I've let go of some of the more toxic relationships I've had in my life....so over all, it's been a pretty decent year....but now as it's getting ready to end, I find myself being challenged by trying to find new new thoughts....some new things that I've not even yet considered.

The Universe in all it's wisdom has it's say as well:

Thinking brand new thoughts that you've never thought before is wildly more conducive to creating big life changes than just thinking different varieties of the same old thoughts. Think about it -
The Universe

How do we let NEW thoughts in? How do we change the way we just revise old thoughts and try to make them fit into our lives...like trying to cram a square peg in a round hole. It takes so much work somedays....but I like the idea of creating big life changes......perhaps I have to think some more on this.

Stay the same or change?

You ever get a song stuck in your head? The repeating chours of some song that you sing over and over and over until you think your ears will bleed? Sometimes life feels like that.

We tell ourselves the same message over and over and over and soon we begin to beleive it. It becomes our reality and until we sing it through or change the words we can't get past that moment. Each day is made up of mini events. Some we events don't seem so great until they are over. We don't realize they are happening or experence the Wowness of them until they are over.

So it begs me to ask......do we fight to stay the same, to keep things as they are or do we let the Universe step in and help us change? How do we know when it's time to fight and time to give up?

The older I get the more it seems like I have no idea what the answers are....I used to think I knew. I used to think that the things I didn't know I'd eventually figure out AS I got older but it doesn't seem to work like that. How can we live so in such a unknowing state for so long. Is it just easier to coast along then to try and figure it all out. Does anyone really have it all figured out? Probably not.....and if they claim to, I'm not sure I'd believe them.

I saw this bumper sticker "Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same." The same amount of energy goes into feeling unhappy as it does to be happy....why choose one over the other?

I guess it all comes down to....change or don't change....what's the benefit?

Think, Think, Think

If you think on it long enough, you'll know. You just will.
In fact you already do.
The Universe

Thinking is a critical skill that I think I am lacking. I mean I know how to do it, I spend a lot of time doing it but I am not very good at it.

I think about things and then my mind sort of spins out of control, it goes off on tangents I can't seem to control. The "what if" card always comes into play. Anytime I stop doing things my mind races. It's frustrating. I think I preferred it when I didn't think about things....that I lived and loved my little world of denial. Ahhh, I miss those days.

What has thinking really done for a person anyway? I mean when you spend so much time thinking and not actually living what's the pay off? I don't know how to stop it. It's kind of like it's been bottled up for so long and now I can freely process and think about whatever my little mind desires and there is no stopping it.

Work has been insanely busy, which is good, but all day long I try to focus on all the stuff I have to do....like cramming 10 hours worth of work in a 8 hour day and my personal life has been sort of a disappointment lately that when I finally lay down at night my mind wanders wild and free.

I've taken to not requiring much sleep....well I require it but my body and brain have decided I only need between 4 & 5 hours at the most. It doesn't matter how much I talk to myself....sleep does not seem to be something I am interested in doing. Ugh!!!!

Is Everything a Sign?

Signs, signs everywhere a sign - blocking out the scenery breaking my mind. Do this, don't do that, can't you read the signs?

I am a big proponent that the Universe sends us messages, that things happen for a reason. I believe good things come to those who wait, do unto others as you would have them do unto you but lately I'm wondering if we get so immune to these constant incoming messages that we start to NOT see them anymore.

I have been feeling quite disconnected for sometime now, I've felt like the last half of this year has taken an unexpected stroll down a path I wasn't even sure existed before and suddenly I find myself being bombarded by thoughts 24/7 and I can't seem to shut them off. Today as I was trying to process these thoughts I was behind a car that cut me off, this J-Hole swerved over at the last possible moment and then jammed on his breaks. As I cussed him out in my head, OK probably out loud, I saw his bumper sticker...it read "do what you love, nothing else matters".

It made me pause. Made me think about it....what is it that I love? Not a "who" but a "what". What is it that makes me get up in the morning, do the things I do, not just go through the motions of living. Interesting. This is going to take some more thinking.

Something has definitely shifted in my life. What is this need all of a sudden I have for some kind of external validation? What has changed or shifted in my life to cause me to NEED something more, something different, something I clearly don't have? Why is it not enough for me that I am a good and decent person? That I (try) treat others fairly, and frankly I'm a pretty amazing person overall and I don't NEED anyone else to tell me that. I really don't. I know this. I take care of myself, I live a pretty decent life and I have some amazing friends, a good job and my health. Why is it that suddenly that doesn't feel like enough. Why do I have this overwhelming emptiness that seems like something is missing? Is this a mid-life thing? A woman thing? A crazy person thing?

What possibly is missing and why do I feel like I'll never figure it out?

So I was prompted to change my password today on my work computer and I had been using the name of someone who is pretty much gone from my life but it was my way to kind of keep him in it...I know, it makes no sense, anyway, I had to think of a new password and suddenly my mind couldn't think of any other word....I was like OK you are crazy....stop this. So I did, I regrouped and typed in a new password....well I apparently didn't type the same word twice so I tried to re-enter it and it again didn't accept....I tried for a third time and I swear to God my brain must just be such a muddled mess because it cancelled again. Screw it I thought, I used t he name again but just changed the number after it - ex. Winter01. I wonder, what exactly was the Universe trying to tell me at this moment? I thought I was ready to let it go but clearly I am not. What does it all mean?

Where is the book of answers when you need it? The walk down this tangled path continues.

What do we really want?

It's funny when you pause...when you take a minute to breath, to exhale all of a sudden it makes you think. Think about who you are, who you have become and what do you really want.

That is the age old question. What do I really want? I want to wake up one day having the answer to this question. I want to wake up without that empty, hollow feeling sitting inside of me needing to be filled....filled with something that I can't quite put my finger on. I want that moment when you realize that you have purpose, meaning, a reason for being. How quickly that gets lost in the midst of searching.

Life if full of defining moments. Moments that turn into hours that turn into days that turn into weeks. Moments have meaning. These moments are important and sooner or later they become bigger than us. Suddenly we find ourselves standing at the cross roads of our own life looking back realizing that we've gotten older and then we think what if.

Does any one decision make our life? Sometimes we make bad decisions but life is a series of choices, a big combination of moments that create who we are. For too long I find that I've let other people make those decisions for me. People who don't put me first in their life or even give me a second thought. I realize I've let my life sit on hold for so long and I'm not really even sure how to make it move again.

This year has been really good in so many ways...I've taken steps to move my life in new directions that it's never been and I've enjoyed it for the most part but suddenly it feels like without my permission, without me letting it happen it's all gone...taken back, moved on without me. How does that happen? How does everything around me seem to move without me?

Some days it feels like I have no control over anything and then the winds change and I suddenly feel myself engulfed in a suit of armor that allows me to tackle the world. How quickly moments move past us.

I guess the best thing to do is keep that armor on hand for the days when you really need it.

Less is always more

Less - when you lose weight you feel better about yourself.....less - when you pay off debt you have more money.....less - when you get rid of things you feel better.....less is always more.

When you decide to stop living your life....waiting...waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone to save you, to find you, to love you, to be your other half you feel a release, a comfort that you are the only thing you ever need. When you decide you get to move on.

The Universe is a funny thing. I believe in putting things out there to let the Universe help guide me, to give me insight into myself and almost always it does. Today is no exception:

What if you first got to decide how you'd like to feel - happy or sad, hurt or mad, approving or jealous, loved or ignored and then I had to go out and rearrange all the people and circumstances of your life to make it so? You'd like that, huh? You'd choose happy, eh?

Done.

The Universe is so wise. I wish I could 100% trust it and let go of all my control to it. When you really think about it the Universe has some pull, some magnetic field that we are connected to. If we just let go and stop fighting I wonder if we could hear the messages clearer.

It's exhausting to always be moving towards something...sometimes I think it would be so much easier if we just stopped, rested and let the Universe bring it to us. Is that an option? How does one do that...just stop and let the Universe do all the work.

I vote for that. I vote for letting the Universe do the work. I'm tired of wanting what I don't get to have....tired of working so hard for something that is never going to happen. Exhausted by wanting so much that my soul is tired....tired to the bone.

Come on Universe....help a sister out.

Time, time and more time

Time flies by in the blink of an eye. Not only does time fly, but things change so very fast. One day you wake up and realize how much has changed, how much has flown by, how very little control we really have in the whole scheme of things.

Seems like days go by in the blink of an eye and suddenly things you are used to, things that feel common or normal or routine all of a sudden feel like work or chores or exhausting. When does the path we are on seem to roll along without a hitch, without potholes? When do we get to throw the top down and enjoy the sun beating on our shoulders while the wind blows our hair?

I was looking through old family photos and it made me start to wonder who were these people that are now just these flat images on a piece of old faded photo paper? What dreams did they have? Did they ever reach them? Were they happy and not just for that minute....did they have the life they wanted, they needed, they craved? Did they have the same thoughts I have? Were they wondering when their time was? Were they lonely? Alone? Fulfilled? Did they have the love they needed in their life?

I realize I fill my time with things that I keep hoping will make me get to that point where I am content and not searching. Feels like I spend alot of my time searching......looking for that point in my journey that I feel settled and connected to where I am suppose to be....how do you know when you are there? I hate this feeling. I blame it on thinking. Thinking always leads to no good.

This time of the year makes me do alot of thinking. My sleep is all out of whack and I spend a lot of time lying in bed not sleeping....that's when my brain runs rampant! It's like I am rethinking my whole life...I spent so much time these last few years trying to become someone else. It's like I had to redefine who I am and I used to feel so sure of who I was and where I was headed and all of a sudden it's like I've lost my way and lost who I am. How do you recapture that? How does one get back who they are?

I know it can't come through anyone else, it has to come from me....but what if I can't do it alone. Do we need that other person to help us find our self? What if that person doesn't exist? What do you do then? How do we find out who we are alone? Do we have to have another person to make our life work? To be on our journey with? Isn't it about the life that we choose? What about where we are at now....what if we open our eyes to where we are right now and choose to keep moving and living this life.....how can that be wrong?

I had such a different vision of where my life would be at this point. As I grew up I remember thinking I can't wait until I get a job....my own house....I'll stay up as late as I want, I'll do what I want to do and I'll go where I want to go and no one will stop me. What happened to that girl? What happened to those dreams...how did I leave them by the roadside?

Best case I guess I haven't turned out like my parents so really I guess it's all moving in the direction it's suppose to. I guess I will be happy in this day.

Thinking is not work thinking about

Lately I've spent some time thinking...or trying to think. Forcing myself to go to that scary dark place in my head and frankly I don't like it.

The Universe says this to me today however:

Thinking is the voodoo, that you do, on all things material.
Made in the shade,
The Universe

Yes I know what it's saying....I just need to think about it. Argh!

Tomorrow's a second chance

I figure as long as I wake up each day, it's a new chance. It's a chance to right the wrongs, to fix the hurt, to learn something new, to mend a broken heart.....there's always the chance things will change. Things can always be different....tomorrow.

It seems the older I get the faster time seems to go by me. I remember being younger DYING for the time to become older, to be able to go to a R movie on my own, to go to the bar without a fake ID, to move out, to be in love, to get a job....what was I in such a hurry for?

That old saying "be careful what you wish for because you just might get it" springs to mind. It's kind of funny how we speed through our lives always looking for the next thing, the next moment or milestone and suddenly you realize how fast time has really gone. Would you make different choices if you had time to think....to breathe....to pause before rushing forwarding into the next moment? Would I?

The Universe responds:

Have you noticed, that the more you hurry, the slower you go? The more you wait, the longer it takes? The more you worry, the less you dream?But the more you live, love and laugh, the more you live, love, and laugh.
Weird?
The Universe

Sometimes in life we have to stop moving in order to see. I like to say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel when I am going through a tough time....but really all creation emerges from darkness. It's always darkest before the dawn...right? So why don't I see that...or remember that? Why does it take sunlight and brightness to let us move forward?

We all move along our own life path, sometimes we stumble and fall and other times we simply end up clinging to a path that doesn't let us choose any other way. We let life pass us by while we concentrate so hard on being on the path...maybe if it we stumbled around in the dark we'd get someplace because we wouldn't be so focused on the path as much as we were on other things.

Maybe I just discovered something...maybe the key is to close my eyes and just go. Hmmm, I will have to ponder this.

Come on...get happy!

This weather forces me to think. It keeps me in the brain thinking kind of place. I love to watch the rain fall from the comfort of my couch. I've had several days of thinking now and frankly, my brain hurts.

In the grand scheme of things it seems simple....be happy and all is well. Right? Yeah....easier said than done. However, the Universe disagree's:

Tell you what: If you can get happy right now, in spite of any problems, challenges, and circumstances that now seem to taunt you, I'll take care of those problems, challenges, and circumstances, as well as "ever-after." Agh-hmm... Please, do the math, take the bait, and never look back.

The Universe

It's simple math apparently. Math has never been my strong suit.

Why do we want what we can't have?

Too many times we put ourselves last. We tend to validate ourselves through others and mostly it seems, it's not the right people we choose to validate ourselves with. Why do we want validation or attention or to spend time with those who don't really value us or care about us past that moment? Yet we seek it, we crave it, we feel like we "need" it? Okay I realize by saying "we" I mostly mean "me" but you get the idea. I can't be alone in this thought....right?

I spent a lot of time this weekend processing through things. I guess I better change this from a WE to a ME....cause really it is about me...it is MY journey, my thoughts....my feelings.

Anyway, this weekend I spent a fair amount of time thinking. Something, if anyone knows me, is not my favorite thing to do. I don't like it, I am not good at it, and often I tend to over think and make things bigger than they really are. I tried really hard NOT to do that this weekend. I also tend to find things to do to get me out of my house, to not be alone, to not to have to think and I purposely didn't do that at all. I even turned down offers to go out and do things. Yes that's what I said...I said "no thank you".

I thought about where I've gotten to in this year, where I'd like to be when it all ends at the end of December and where I'd like to see the next year head. I didn't plan or make statements, I just thought about it. I declared this the year of "no rules" and I've pretty much lived by that and overall really enjoyed it.

The year started out fun and chaotic and off the normal path for me. I did things early on I've never done before and traveled down roads I never even knew existed to me before and I don't regret one single moment of it. I just don't understand why it all stopped though. Why it has come to a screeching halt and all of a sudden I am floating in space and can't seem to get my feet back on or even near the ground again. It's confusing to me.

I thought about the new people I opened my life up to, that I let in, that I enjoyed spending time with and the new things I let myself do. I don't regret any of it but I am a bit confused as to how I let myself become so ....what's the word.......I don't know- but I somehow let other people become the source of my personal validation. My happiness and my value. I let these people into my heart and life and even though we were both enjoying the time, I somehow knew it was temporary, not permanent. That it was all going to end....and I didn't want it to but knew going into this moment that is was never going to last, it was never going to be anything more that that particular moment in time. I told myself I was fine with that, I was good....but I guess I wasn't. Sometimes we lie loudest to ourselves.

They became the people or person that made me feel - anything. Their attention or time spent with me was all that mattered and when they shifted their focus to the next shiny object, I was left behind. I became the "you'll do girl". The person who, if nothing better is happening, I get a call. If they can't meet up with their new person, I can be the fill in person. If they need a ride to meet their friend, I can be that person and then be dismissed. You'll do and suddenly I wonder why I feel disposable, invisible and of no value. Please...I'm smarter than that...right?

Apparently not. The phone calls stopped, the playful fun texting stopped, the impromptu hey let's go hang out for a few hours stopped - and there I was....left with this open soul no longer fitting into any one's space. I did it to myself, I know this....I can see it but how to you stop that soul sucking feeling that you just don't fit anywhere? That you are the temporary person, the "eh, nothing better is going on so I'll call her" feeling? And when they did call....I'd answer....I'd go....I let myself be that person. Stupid girl.

I guess it's good that it's all come to an end at the same time.....it was a harsh lesson but I guess it's good. I see it.....it sure doesn't help that feeling inside but I know in time it will fade away. I just have to learn to live without that....to learn to live a life I choose, to follow a path I am picking and to keep moving towards something on my own. I know I don't need anyone to travel the path with me but it sure is a lot more fun and adventurous with a partner in crime.

I thought about this all weekend and on one hand it's kind of sad but on the other it's kind of empowering to realize that you don't need anyone else....you only ever need to worry about yourself.

The Universe also agrees....as usual:

The reason others think they need you is because they don't yet fully believe that they already have all that it takes to have all that they want. So they pretend you hold the key. And vice versa.
Tallyho,
The Universe

So I guess I have the key? I have what it takes? I just have to learn to live without them because they clearly can live without me.

I guess it all begins with one step forward. One foot after the other......man thinking sucks.

I forget

Sometimes I get so consumed with where I want to be or what I want or what I don't have or what's missing I forget to see what I do have, where I am at in my life. It's like I forget to exhale and suddenly something happens that makes me stop and exhale.....breathe.

I forget I am lucky enough to have a safe, nice, clean home that is comfortable and overall a pretty decent place to find comfort and rest. I have a job, actually two jobs that allow me to be me and let me kind of do what I need to do to get things done for the best outcome of others. I am surrounded by countless blessing that I overlook....I tend to focus on what I want or where I want to be that I forget to accept and enjoy where I am. We all do it....we all forget what we have until, sometimes, it's too late.

I have lots of things in my life that I'm grateful for but I want more, I crave more, I need more. I need all those things I think I need to make me happy, content, joyful......yet I have pretty much all I need right now.

This morning I was able to help one of our older residents with a situation that took about 4 minutes of my time but releived so much stress for him, he could not stop thanking me and I thought wow....that little thing I did made so much a difference for him and it was nothing.

I forget to be grateful. I forget to be thankful. I just forget.

Pictures worth what?

I love pictures. They bring me great joy. They have the ability to capture a moment in time that will forever be frozen in place.....good or bad that moment is captured and saved. Sometimes I look back on pictures and I can barely remember the event or the reason I took them, other times I get immense joy from that stolen moment in time. It evokes such emotion in me sometimes it's almost indescribable.

I have this picture taken at my sisters wedding 2o some odd years ago and at the time I didn't even know it was taken but I found it a few years after the wedding and it brings me such joy that I can't hardly stand it. It's a picture of me dancing with my grandfather who is now gone. But we are dancing and he said something to me, I wish I could remember what it was, and I have my head thrown back in laughter and he is smiling so proudly. It's a great, unplanned picture. Those are my favorite. The unplanned pictures.

There is something to be said for posed, planned, staged pictures but the best ones in my opinion are the self portraits, the paparazzi shots or the spur of the moment OMG this will be hilarious pictures. Those moments that aren't planned yet captured in one click of a button. Worth a million to me.

I love Facebook...been obsessed with it since I discovered it...part of the reason I like it so much is people share their lives through pictures. There are people I just met or people I've know for years and don't get to see often yet I can be a part of their life through some stolen moments. I can see them at their best, worst and silliest. I could spend hours looking at peoples pictures. It gives you such a glimpse into who they are. You can see things in their eyes and expressions I don't think they even know they are sharing. You can see so much in a picture than just the flat image.

Ever been to a second hand store and sift through the old photo's? Kind of makes me sad to think that one day my prized pictures, my memories, my moments in time will lie homeless and unnecessary on a shelf someplace collecting dust. When I think about it like that it is over whelming sad to me. So for now I choose to enjoy them, I embrace them, I stare at them and think back to the moment it was snapped and how much joy that moment brought me....even if I have to change the story to fit my own denial!

What is the cost of a memory? If we could harvest them and sell them would we? Good or bad our memories are all we have of people, events or sections of time. Would we alter them if we could? Like anything else, aren't we suppose to learn and grow and extract something from these times? I wonder, if I look back over this year, would I change any of the events? Would I choose to do anything differently? If I did, would I be where I am at now or would things be different?

Does each act have a reaction? Hmm....now I have to think.

What we don't know

Isn't it funny how smart we think we are? How much we think we know about life, ourselves - everything and then one day WHAM! something happens and we are stunned, surprised because we never saw it coming. It's funny how life works.


We trudge along on this life path expecting and planning things to go a certain way and when they change course on us unexpectedly we are confused by it...at least I am.

I had a plan...I was going to finish school and then I was going to get some great epiphany and somehow I was going to see the light and all of life's answers would finally be mine. I saw that ending, I expected that outcome I knew there was some key to doors I couldn't find until I finished school....only there isn't, there's not.....it's the same....but different.

No light shone the way to my new destiny, no answers magically appeared in my head like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz when he finally got a brain....I can't do anything better or different now that I am a college graduate. I however didn't know what I didn't know until now. Now I know.

I know there is no answer I don't really already know. There is no path I can't see or no door I don't have the ability to open...it's all as it was. What has changed is how I act and react to things. Not that it's any different really but I do feel like I have a broader understanding of things I sort of ignored or by passed before. So maybe that's the bonus I was looking for....a broader, wider based understanding of life and it's little nuances. Maybe doing this as an adult has just helped me expand my thinking outside of my little world (bubble) I was living in.

My biggest concern has been what will I do with my free time.....ha. There are some days I have excessive amounts of it and other times I commit myself to something that really sucks my energy and ultimately my soul dry. I say I can help with something and I get dumped on. Helping is different from taking on the entire process yourself. I work a 10 hr day and sometimes longer if I am working at my part time job as well. Between that and my commute sometimes I am so brain dead by the time I get home I can't think. There are only so many hours in a day I can be expected to be productive. At some point my body, despite my own cry not to, shuts down. I'm old now...this body needs some recoup time. I don't know this until I know it. It comes back to what we don't know.

The Universe has an opinion on this of course:

True, you can't see what you can't see, you can't hear what you can't hear, and you can't feel that you can't feel. But still, you can know that you're not alone, that you're adored, and that absolutely everything will continue to work out for your very best, as it always has. It's built into your DNA -
The Universe

I would love to commit that to my head. To commit to my brain and my heart that it's all going to work out like it's suppose to. That I am not alone, that I am adored and that things are as they are suppose to be. I think if I could drink that kool-aide I would be OK with not worrying about what it is I don't know that I don't know.

If I could know it all would I want to? If I could know how this year would end, how I would feel on December 31st looking back on this year would I want to know...would I want to have that knowledge right now?

Hmm....this year is almost done and I don't know I feel about that.

Find your why

Why are we here? Why do we exist? What makes us get up each day and do what it is we do without even thinking about it? How do we really become who we are?

You can do what you think you cannot do but it all come from our own thinking. Our own limitations hold us back, our own assumptions and fears hold us back from achieving what we really want to do. What our purpose is is dependant on our own perspectives. What is our authentic purpose? It lies within us. It seems like the paths I trudge down are blocked all the time and half way through I have to stop and turn around and try another path. It's not really a bad way to travel but it's important to find your why to continue on your path. This time of the year is all about change....you can visually see it happening before your eyes. Nothing you can do to stop it so it's best to just embrace it....embrace the change.

I love this weather. I love the cool days, the howling winds, the crisp air......it signifies a change is happening. That would be nice if our lives had that obvious of a notifier.

Change is constant...every time you turn around things are changing. It's weird because sometimes it feels like nothing is ever going to change and you blink and suddenly everything is different. It seems when my life is happening and I'm enjoying the ride - suddenly things change. It's out of my control and I don't get a say in keeping things as they are, as I like them as I want them to stay because the changes isn't really in my control. It's frustrating on one level and on another level it's kind of refreshing to have things change and move in a new direction. It forces me to change my thinking and to continue to move. Although sometimes I think it would be kind of nice to just ride the ride for a little while.

I feel like there is so much I want to do during this fall like weather....so many places I want to go, want to see but I feel like I'm limited. Limited because the people I want to do these things with have other things to do or people to spend their time with. I need my own people....people who want to spend their days and time with me.....it's hard. My nieces and nephews are all at the point in their lives where they are having their own lives...they have their own things to do and my friends mostly have their own lives to live and their own people to spend their time with and then there is me. Seems like I am the only one not moving onto anything new. I feel stuck...like I'm spinning my wheels in place and not really going anywhere.

I never used to be this way, I never felt like I needed anyone to do things with or to spend my time with but as I get older I'm finding that I just don't like spending my days alone any more yet I can't seem to find the person or people to spend their time with me. It's challenging. People don't need me...I used to feel like I was needed.....that I served a purpose but lately it feels like no one needs me. Not like they don't want me around but they have their own lives in place and their own goals to work towards. It's an odd feeling to be this old and feel like you don't have a purpose.....my why.

Just as the seasons change, we all have to change. We have to explore new roads, go down new paths and watch our own colors change. It's all in how we approach it, do we stay a one season person or do we embrace the changes in the wind and go where the wind takes us? Our choice I guess.....it always comes down to our own choices.

Why does it have to be so challenging to know who we are? Why do we always question ourselves? It seems that we work so hard to figure out who we are and what we want and I wonder, do we ever get it?

Do we ever figure out our why?

Time and the Universe

Time flies by so fast sometimes that I can't even understand where it all goes. I mean in any given day there are ONLY 24 hours...no more, no less...well less if you sleep them away but regardless...how come some days seem longer than others?

It's been awhile since I've listened to the Universe or even had time to blog, work has been a little crazy...less people but more work...no more $$$$ of course but in this economic crazy time I am not complaining too much. I like to feel needed, like what I do matters, that the energy I am putting into projects or work makes a difference somewhere down the road. I don't need much for it in return, just acknowledgement that I am working my ass off is enough....although more $$$ I wouldn't turn down!

So today I stopped to breathe.....to take a breath and try to get back to me....to what I want, to what I need and to stop letting other things control everything in my life. What does the Universe say to me today when I catch up.....

I do believe that the single most important thing I could ever, ever share with you, with regard to maximizing the health, harmony, and happiness in your life, not to mention expediting the manifestation of your heart's fondest desires, can be summed up in just one word:
Love yourself.
Okay, two words.
Love yourself.
I do -
The Universe

It's a simple thing really. LOVE WHO YOU ARE. I guess that's four words really but it's so much harder to do than to say it. My dad used to irritate the living daylights out of me...well he still kinds of does but he used to say "how can you ever expect anyone to love you if you can't love yourself?" Okay so maybe as annoying as he was, he had something. How do we learn to love the beast? It's not that I find myself unlovable but I think it's that we, well probably more just me, don't put enough value in who we are and what we have made of ourselves. It's all the rules around me that make me feel like I am not good enough as I am...mostly I don't care about that and I don't buy into it but frankly I'm kind of exhausted from fighting this fight. I feel like I am doing it all alone and I am done....tired, finished....kaput....ugh.

I feel worn out by life lately...like I've been drug behind a car for a few hundred miles and I just can't find my groove again. How does one get their groove back? Wasn't that a movie and a cartoon? I need my groove.....have you seen it?

Greener grass

I always think the grass is greener on the other side. That some how I never get to have that life that everyone else seems to have....that things are always so much better for everyone else. That others don't feel the things I do....then you sit and drink wine and start sharing and bam! - you find out those who you think have it sooooo perfect have their issues too. It's kind of a harsh realization.

I know we all do that, we always think others are living the dream...and it's shocking when someone tells you they feel the same way or better yet....they say they wish they had YOUR life. Really? Why? What about my uninspired life warrants anyone wanting to live a day in it?

I don't mean it to sound as terrible as all that but lately I've felt really disconnected from my own life and I feel uninspired....no purpose....no direction....empty. I realize it's a phase but I do not like it.

I am stuck on a treadmill like life - birth - school - work - school - death? Where is the adventure? The passion? We all make choices in our lives that have compromised who we are. We do things that are out of integrity from our souls to look good, to make money, to please the boss, to make someone love/want us or out of fear of what the neighbors might think. We forget that the spark of our souls may be buried within us, that we still have the power to dig up the junk on top of it and let it run wild and free again.

Each moment is a new opportunity with new choices. You created your life and you have the power to "decreate" the parts of it that aren't serving you well now - I like that word decreate.

It's hard to do but really if we just stop and listen to our inner voice, our soul's voice, we can do it. This of course requires some skill and time. It's the child in us, the Universe and in order to hear it I know one just needs to be still.... I mean really still and just feel the essence of who you are. I also know this is not my strong suit.

I think the reason we end up with lives that feel meaningless, unfulfilled, or without purpose is because we stop listening and feeling who we really are. Instead we've created routines of avoidance. We rush to work, come home to the TV, video games, books, magazines, sports, phone calls, making dinner, laundry, etc. All of these outer activities fill our time by distracting us from listening to our souls.

Is it greener on the other side? If we are not connecting with our inner soul how can we ever expect to be happy in our life? No matter how connected or disconnected we feel from our own life, we have the power to change it. You can create your own inspired life ...you just have to choose it.

I choose you inspired life....I choose you now.

Birds of a feather

I know it's the time of year to see birds flocking South but it seems like this year there are an extraordinary amount of them right now and I thought - is this a message from the Universe? It struck me this morning how beautiful a flock of birds flying in formation is.

It also made me kind of wish I were a bird...in a flock. I know the reason they fly like they do:

Birds fly in a V to help conserve their energy during migrations.With the exception of the individual leading the group, each birdtrailing behind the other benefits from a reduction in wind resistance. The birds are deliberating tailgating each other; it's the concept of drafting, best known to those gutsy people who drive close behind a semi on the freeway to stay out of the wind and boost their fuel efficiency.

The next time you see ducks or geese flying in a V, watch them for awhile to see if he lead bird changes. Canada geese do this, and I suspect other species do, too. Do humans? Is there a reason for us NOT to? In social settings the leader can change but does it always? Since whoever is up front is working the hardest, every now and then the birds make a switch and the leader drops back, usually all the way back, where wind drag is lowest and a rested bird comes to the front.

While there is no single, unchanging leader for a V of birds on the move, it is the oldest, experienced individuals who are calling the navigational shots, using the sun and the stars at night to orient themselves and stay on course. Another thing you'll often notice is how a V changes shape. Sometimes it looks more like a check mark, with one bird flying lead, two or three birds trailing on one side, and the majority of birds strung out on the other. This is a strategy for dealing with wind which usually means a crosswind is blowing the short side of the formation is taking the brunt of the wind, and the birds are attempting to shield one another from it

If truth be told, I kinda want to be a bird in a flock. Maybe they know something we don't about the value and purpose of working in a true team fashion. No one trying to throw you under the bus but all working together towards the great goal. Hmmm, we can learn so much from our fine feathered friends.

Change is good but I don't want to be first

"Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction."

Change is not easy but it is simple. Things will always change. We don't have a choice about that, but we do have a choice about how we react to change; whether or not we choose to create change. The choice really boils down to this......either we manage change or it will manage us.


I'm tired of things managing me. I want to be in charge, in control. I want to decide how I'm feeling, what I'm going to do next instead of blowing in the wind or letting someone else steer my ship. Sounds good in theory right. I am woman hear me roar!


Change is an emotional process. We are all creatures of habit who usually resist it and welcome routine. Uncharted waters are freaking scary! It's time to let things go....to set them free so I can move on. It doesn't matter where they go, they don't even need to come back to me they just need to go.....away.....so I can begin again. I'm really tired of the same old same old. It's time to shake things up and stop waiting for someones hand to hold as I step out of my box. It's time for me to learn to do this all by myself.


I like routine, a pattern, it feels safe, trusted, comfortable. I can count on it and when it's taken away from me without my permission it kinda freaks me out. In the long run, however, sameness is really just being on the fast tract to mediocrity. Mediocre doesn't survive. Websters defines mediocre as of moderate or low quality, value, ability, or performance, ordinary, so-so.


Anyone who knows me knows the hairs on my neck rise when I'm compared to being average, or ordinary and so-so......yikes.....that word makes me scream out loud. I've fought hard my whole life to not be any of those things and lately I've felt like that's all I was....so-so. Weird how we shift our thinking so easily. I heard this quote yesterday "When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge."

Well people...it's time to see a whole new world. It's time to shake things up, it's time to break that patterns of mediocre and create a new world that is better than the one I'm in. Is it going to be easy? Of course not, nothing ever is. This means I need to plan, commit, have patience and most of all courage....courage to step outside my comfort zone all on my own.


The truth, of course, is that change can be really good, healthy, empowering. It's pushing ourselves outside of our comfort zones; to step onto that new path and just start walking.


Oh jesh. I'm not really sure I can do this.

Repacking your bags

I had the day off Friday and for the first time in a long time I didn't fill it with endless things to do. I had a late night Thursday night so I got up when I felt like it on Friday, lounged around then headed out to do a few errands.....alone.

I stopped at the half price book store kind of unintentionally. I was at a stop light that never seemed to change so I cut through the parking lot and as I was driving past the store I thought Hmm, I think I'll stop in...so I did...and I wandered for about an hour. As I browsed the store I found a book in the self help section, I am kind of a self help addict, and I randomly opened it to a chapter entitled Unpack your baggage.

It talked about how we all need people in our lives that we can unpack our baggage with, people we can just be ourselves with....no pretense, to walls just us. Basically it was saying we need to have people we can talk to about anything and everything in our lives and then when we are done, we pack up that suitcase, shut her up tight and go home. Basically that was the jist.

This made me think about the people in my life that I am able to "unpack" with. It's changed a lot for me recently. It's my own doings. I've had some life changes that have caused some people some distress and have caused them to pull away from me and me them I'm sure. Changes happen and roads get diverted and sometimes we have to stumble and wander down a path before we get our bearings again. That's where I am at.

Sometimes you find that person to unpack your stuff with but they change their path and since it's their journey all you can do is repack and start again. It's exhausting some days to pack and repack but that's part of the circle of life. All you can do is keep some space open and hope once they get far enough down their path and realize you aren't with them they will extend their hand out to you or come back for you....it sucks to be left behind with a full suitcase.

Although it's also an opportunity to start a new path, a new trail, a new trek. I guess the Universe is always providing new opportunities to grow, learn and move. Look what it said today:

Whatever it is you want, think about it. Think and think and think. And as surely as day follows night, that which you have thought about will be drawn into your life, be it answers, friendships, health, love or abundance.
It's the law.
The Universe

It all comes down to this....what you want is completely different from what you expect.

Being who we are

It's always a surprise to me when I question who I am. I mean I've worked a long, long time on creating the person I am, the person I continue to evolve into. It surprises me when I look at old pictures and remember who I was then, who I thought I was and where I thought I was headed. Seems like we get into a rhythm and life moves on and cruises ahead and something happens to make us pause and take stock again. I guess we have to always stop and take stock of who we are and where we are headed or we'd be bored...right?


It's funny, I think about it sometimes and I'm rather amazed at myself. I push myself to do things and go places and live so far outside my own bubble that I am impressed and then there are other days I feel like I could implode because I am so done with who I am and where I am at. I can't figure out the balance quite yet. It feels like a oddly balanced see saw. I suppose life is like that....sort of like a Forest Gump saying....life is like a see saw...sometimes your up, sometimes your down and sometimes you get to hang right in the middle...the "sweet spot".


At work there is a process we have to go through every year in terms of our goals/development. It's always been a point of contention for me because honestly......nothing changes. I've been here 23 years now....23 years and every year I fill out the form saying here is where I'd like to be - here is my "sweet spot" and 23 years later I'm really no place different. I've graduated school now and I'm stuck...stuck in a desk in the middle of constant chaos that no one seems to think is an issue except me. I'm kind of exhausted. Well more than kind of.


Exhausted by writing out what I deem my "sweet spot" to be and yet never being any closer to it. It's absolutely exhausting to come in and be invisible all day long, all week long and then have to write down on paper pretending like something will change, something that never happens. I realize corporations have processes and procedures but come on...stop asking me what I want to do or where I want to be year after year after year only to have me be right here. Okay, so I guess I'm a little frustrated with work right now.


I was talking with a friend yesterday remarking on how fast life changes, how fast our feelings, our thoughts, everything changes. What seems impossible today may be completely different in two months, heck in two days. We are constantly evolving and moving towards new things every single minute. It's really a bit scary when you think about it, how quickly things change. I have really liked the way things were going, I was enjoying the ride and now of course that changes. People leave your life and yes some new people come in but I hate it when people you want to be there can't be or don't want to be....it's hard.

The problem for me is I'm not very good at adapting to quick change. I can do it, it just takes me a little bit of time to grasp the concept, the change, the switch....especially if it isn't me making the change. I suppose everyone is like that...right?

I'm not saying my job hasn't evolved over time, it has, I get lots of new "opportunities" to do more of the same type of work...always for someone else's benefit...to help them, to assist them, to do some of the work for them. Work that they are being paid for but are too over-whelmed to do so I get to do it but of course with no pay for me.....those seem to be my "opportunities".


I get to do more and more of other peoples job with nothing more than a pat on the back (sometimes) as my reward - if that even comes. I'm really tired of being the....what's the right word......the go to person in every part of my life. I really want to be the person people think of FIRST just for a little while. Is that too much to ask for?


What does the Universe have to say to me today you are wondering?

It doesn't matter that the road's been rough, that you now have challenges, or that uncertainties loom on the horizon. None of these change the fact that for every thought you think today, worlds will come tumbling into existence. For every word you speak, legions will be called into action. And for every step you take, matter will be drawn from the ether.
Jeez - The Universe

Thoughts become things....choose the good ones. I keep forgetting that. Seems like I am possibly not focused on the positives in my life, I need to make that switch. Think good things and good things will come...right? Okay...worth a shot. Things always get better with time.

Here I go.......

Being First

I love being first. Not necessarily in a competitive I WIN kind of way, although that is fun too. I like to be the first one to open a jar of peanut butter, to use a new tube of tooth paste, to have the warm biscuit from the oven and to be the one to turn on the lights in the office...the first. I especially love it when I get to be the first one in the bathroom in the morning at work and the lights are out and you just know everything is clean and just waiting for the day to begin…..being first rocks.

It is however, oddly unsatisfying when you live alone. There really isn't any "game" to it...I always get to be the first.

Does being first really matter?

In an age when so many firsts have been made, finding new ones almost seems to require extreme creativity. We tend to glorify the pursuit of all things bigger and better and creating new firsts gets lost in the shuffle somewhere along the line. Being first gives us, well gives me, some sense of meaning. Every new thing leads us to another and another and it doesn’t matter what it’s about. As a society we have to constantly advance and push the envelope for the firsts: first human clone, the first person on Mars event to be the first female president…firsts matter.
But does being first really have the upper hand over being second or even fifth? Shouldn’t getting things done right matter more than doing it first? If we look back in time, the Constitution was not our first attempt at creating a governing document - it was our second and World War I really didn't end all wars did it?

Every time someone is the first at something, people subconsciously feel like it gives us hope. Hope because our futures are filled with firsts. Is the first always the best? Your first kiss, your first time, your first car….they all hold special meaning because they were the first time we experienced something but does that mean they were the best? Deciding whether something is best is nearly impossible to decipher because everyone brings their own measurements to the equation. By putting that stigma on a person, place or thing creates an unattainable level for future attempts.

I love being first, I want to be the first to tell people something they didn’t know. To try a new restaurant, to go someplace no one else has been. It makes me sound like an adventurous person, which I am not, but I like to push the envelope…I like to step out on that ledge and think about jumping.

"There's a new beginning waiting to unfold. It's just not time yet. When you fully honor what was, what will be, it will be worth the wait."

Marks of time

As a kid there are these moments in our life that are landmark moments.

Learning to talk, taking your first steps, learning to drive, graduating, getting your first place. All these moments in time mark the growing and learning we do to become adults. At some point in time these landmark moments stop happening. We reach adulthood and we become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and we just are. One day sort of blurs into the next and the next. I wish there were more challenging marks of our time as we age.


I feel like at this point in my life there really aren't these big landmark moments anymore. I mean it's not like I'm going to get married or have kids and then in turn grand kids....I graduated school and now it sort of feels like I don't really have anything left to get to....to achieve....to do. It's an odd feeling.

I like having something to look forward to...something to plan for....I'd give anything to have something to call my own. It feels like my faith is gone and I'm sort of coasting down life's highway with no GPS.

Then today what does the Universe say to me? Kinda spooky:

I know what it's like. I've seen it played out a few zillion times. You're waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they'll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they'll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Ahhhhhhhhhhh...
Well, I'm here to tell you your wait is over. That someone is you.
Good thing you rock, The Universe

I had a long conversation with a friend last night about our purpose.....our meaning...our reason for being and he came up with this quote....which I love - Once you start down a path that connects with your inner soul, your feet will find the rest of the path.

Makes me wonder, how do we really know where we are going? How do we decide what path to follow? What makes one person move towards something and another person move in another direction? Does our soul really guide us?

Be the spark

Let's put it this way: To perform like a "star," to steal the show, and to party with the "Gods"... take the stage, do the dance, and invite yourself.
Be the spark,
The Universe

The Sound of Settling

Happiness is not something we can buy. And it’s not something others can give us although it would be way easier if that were true. Happiness is about being connected. Connected with others gives us the feeling that we are part of the bigger picture, that we matter and ultimately that makes us happy.

Can we learn to be happy or does it just happen?

I suppose really true happiness starts with ourselves. If you don't treat ourselves like we matter, like we are important or forgive ourselves for our mistakes how can we expect others to?

Whatever excitement I lack in my personal life I try to make up for in my professional life. Is that wrong? maybe. My job for the past several months has been pretty mundane and unchallenging, it however has recently changed....more on that later. It was good because as I was finishing school I needed to have some balance. I couldn't handle super busy stress on all levels of my life but at some point there has to be a balance between my work life and my personal life. I've never been one to have my job rule my life.....don't want to be that kind of person and I've never really had the kind of personal life that rules my work life, don't want to be that kind of person either.

Recently I've sort of put myself "out there" again and I've been having some fun. My experience has been however, that I am becoming the "you'll do" person or the "side chick" and not just in my personal life....seems to have crossed over into my work life as well. It seems to be that I am the person people will go to if everyone else it to busy....I'll do.....if they need kill sometime before they go to another event....I'll do.

Feels like I'm always being "squeezed" into peoples lives or given "opportunities" when no one else is available. Honestly I don't know that I would mind it so much if it felt like the time people were spending with me was what they really wanted to be doing but when they keep checking their watch or talking on the phone or at work when they can't figure out someone to do some mundane task it seems to be me they come to.

I let it happen over and over thinking this time it will be different. This time they will acknowledge me and pay me what I'm really worth or really BE with me. It's kind of unsettling to realize it's happening on all fronts - and therein lies the problem.

Breathe.

Is this the sound of settling? Have I settled for this life? If so how do I change it?

The angel cards seem to be telling me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I find myself wishing too often for someone or something to fill up my time. I don’t feel satisfied with my job, well at least the pay portion of it - would it change if I were being paid for my work? At some point I have to make a tough decision on this I know.

I don’t like being alone and I don’t seem to have friends available to just hang out or to chill with. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings to the idea of NOT being alone and that doesn't mean romantically, but just not alone all of the time...it just makes me more prone to frustration and disappointment.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.

Hoo-fricking-ray!

Any suggestions?

Introspection

I have these angel cards that I like to use.....to help guide me, to help provide direction in my life. So last night a friend and I did a reading. I pulled the Introspection card which honestly couldn't have been a more perfect card at this time.



It reads: Your angel guidance is to find quiet space for contemplation and look within. It is time to withdraw and review your life. Taking time and space for yourself gives you an opportunity to recuperate from life's challenges, to reflect on the way ahead, strengthen yourself and prepare for the next phase of your life. During times of introspection, you can become aware of your gifts, your inner reserve and your wisdom. It is a time for healing. Still your mind and quieten your emotions. Ask for your angel's wings to enfold you and provide you with a safe haven in which to relax. Then you can listen to the promptings of your angel inspiring and guiding you.



Umm, isn't that what I've been doing? Apparently not well. Yikes. This card really struck a chord with me. It's rather chilling when you think about it.

Being quiet or being alone or thinking is never something I have been good at but clearly it needs to be done. I need to find some time and some space to get away, to think to be alone. I feel like it needs to be by water for some reason as well. Water seems to calm me, makes me feel better....even a nice bubble bath works.

It's funny how life seems to move so fast sometimes that it's only when you stop to pause that you realize it's changing. It changes everyday, every minute and yet only when we stop to breath do we really notice it.

Say my name Universe!

Sometimes people can be shouting at you, jumping and screaming, waving their arms up over their head and you just don't notice.

I know messages come to us in forms of people, places and events but sometimes I get really confused about what exactly it's trying to say to me....can it not just "say my name?"

Yesterday the Universe said this to me:

If you could actually stand in someone else's shoes to hear what they hear, see what they see, and feel what they feel, you would honestly wonder what planet they live on, and be totally blown away by how different their "reality" is from yours. You'd also never, in a million years, be quick to judge again.
Just sayin'

The Universe

It had special meaning to me because of a conversation I had with a friend and one of the things she said to me that really stuck in my head was "you are irreplaceable in our lives". This came about because I was starting to feel sorry for myself a little (OK maybe a lot). It has been a bad week last week in terms of self-esteem and personal issues that just sort of left me feeling like I'd completely missed the train. I felt like every one's lives seem to move forward, that good things are happening to all the people around me (and I couldn't be happier for them....they deserve it as much as anyone....but what about me??) and I felt like I live in a bubble - a bubble of nothingness. Hopefully I am past that moment, but sometimes you have to feel what you feel. This particular friend is one that I can say these things too and she doesn't run screaming from me...or avoiding me...or judging me...she just calmly talks me off the ledge and knows better days are ahead. I love her for that.

Anyway, that statement - "you are irreplaceable in our lives" really kinda sucked my breath away. How lucky am I that someone, anyone feels that way about another person...but that person being me made it even more special. Some one picked me....chose me....felt that way about me without any reason. Without me having to do anything but just be me.....makes me really feel important. So there is the Universe (and my friend) sending me a message and I heard it....I felt it....but I don't know that I absorbed it. I am going to try to retain it, to keep it in my brain for the days I really need an extra boost but I just know that for right now...it's very comforting.

Today I had a rough start to my morning. I fell asleep like a rock last night, and woke up just before my alarm - which makes me mad but I dilly dallied a lot this morning. Changed clothes like 8 times and just had a sloooowww start. Then come to work and they are out of cream for my coffee, why I can't keep my own up here in the fridge is beyond me but I shouldn't HAVE to. Anyway, there is this blonde, overly made up woman who is SO clearly past her glory days but refuses to admit it (I'm not judging, I'm just stating a fact!) who thinks EVERYONE thinks she's adorable and wants to be around her.

Let me go on record right here and now and say "no"...."no thank you", defiantly NO! She thinks she doesn't have to wait in line to get her coffee or pay for things and that it's adorable that she shouts in her mousy, sing songy voice "hold the elevaaatttooorrrr". Ugh. I have zero time or patience for these type of people. They do not get to rule the world, they do not get to have 6 people wait while she finishes a conversation so she can get on our elevator. Another will be along in 2 seconds....good day.

So...that was the start to my morning. All I could think about was MY GOD this is going to be the longest day E-V-E-R! Then my thought from the Universe today:

One of the trickiest things about life is that, at times, it happens so slowly. Yet... if... it... happened... any... faster... you'd... already... have... everything... you... ever... wanted... without... learning... to... enjoy... the... ride. Beep, beep.

The Universe

I feel like I need something to look forward to. An event, an outing - anything to keep me motivated to keep moving forward. I got nothing. I realize I can change that but when you have something you are waiting for or working towards it makes the ride bearable. Without any direction it seems mundane, dull, pointless. I need a purpose. Hmmm.....we seem to always come back to this moment don't we.....do we always re-evaluate ourselves to constantly be re-purposing ourselves. Is that even a word?

Is it just me or are we complicated little ducks? We always have to be evolving and changing and thinking and growing and doing or we shrivel up and fade away. I'm not ready to do that but I am ready for something new. I've been on an interesting road this year. Made some new choices, taken the road well worn and traveled by others but never me and I'm not sorry, I don't regret any of it but, I am confused by it.

I kinda feel like I'm in one of those cars from a carnival that has a steering wheel but it doesn't really do anything...you can turn and turn and turn the wheel but the car still just randomly goes where ever it wants to, occasionally bouncing off another car or wall and suddenly you realize your spinning in circles. Leaves me a bit whoosy just thinking about it.

How do you learn to hear what the messages are? How do you learn to listen to what the world is telling you? Stop this ride I want to get off....or at least hop on another form of transportation.

Partnership

Every once in awhile on Sunday mornings I watch the religious shows that are on tv - usually The Hour of Power. Sometimes they have such an engaging speaker and they just kind of draw me in. Sometimes the message grabs ahold and draws me in. Today's message is about partnership and what it means.


Partnership means that you come along side and "hook up" (not in a naughty way!) and do what they (or God) says to do. Basically the jist is that you connect with someone, you are two people heading in one direction. You do this together. It's when one person thinks they know more, or their opinions or goals matter more so you try to force the other person to go YOUR way. It's a visual message....it creates tension, struggle....if you have these in your life....check your partnership. It's clearly a message designed to tell us to follow God but really it's a good message to hear and put into your own life.


It seems everyone wants to be in a partnership with another person. It's something some people can't live without. But is it the right partnership? Is it being with someone just so you don't have to be alone or is it waiting and finding the "right" person to spend your days with? What if you never find that person? What if you never have that ying to your yang? Do you fill that need in another way? Are you able to or is it only through a partnership that you get those needs met?


Partnership is more than just having that one other person in your life. It's more than finding that one person you feel like you that you count on, that you connect with, that you choose to spend your time. That person you can let see you with all your walls down. There's something about having another person you know deeply that you can talk to without really using words. I think we all need to have a person who knows our heart, who can sit with you and just "be". Is it possible to know people so well that you don't even need to say a word?


It's about the connection one person makes with another deep in their soul....I think sometimes you can be in love with and spend your time with someone but they may not be your "soul mate". I think they are two different things. If you're lucky, I think they can be the same person but mostly I think they are different people. Does everyone get to have a soul mate?


Is it the goal in life to be in a relationship of some type? I am always amazed at how quickly some people fall into relationships...how quickly two complete strangers can be totally emeshed in one anothers lives. How fast you go from just knowing someone to all of a sudden knowing their heart and wanting nothing more than just being with that person all of the time.

Sometimes you find someone that you develop deep feelings for such as friendship, love, compatibility, not just romantic love and they play an important emotional role in your life. Souls come together because we have somehow attracted them into our life. These are people you meet along your life journey that are in your life to help you create balance. Usually the connection forms quickly. For me, this is someone I need to be in connection with several times a day and it's a connection I have like no others in my life.

Friends are important and essential in our lives but a soul mate or a partner is different. It's a different level. Friends fit into our lifestyle but a soul mate is someone you know on a different level. Once you connect with them the communication and connection is unmatched by anyone else around you. It's not the same as a romantic connection and I would argue it's even more important.

Can we live our life without a soul mate?

You're Beautiful

I can't imagine what life would be like if you were born just spectacularly beautiful. I mean you don't even have to work at it beautiful. I have been involved a lot in my own thoughts lately and one of my favorite things to do is sit and stare at the world and ask questions. I always have questions, it's the answers I don't know much about.

I look at some people and they are breathtaking. Maybe they've spent hours getting that way, some have you can tell, but some just are. They are beautiful without having to do anything. I imagine life is an open book for them. They are the chosen ones. I think about that and wonder how would life be different if I were one of the "beautiful" people.

I have my days where I feel pretty darn good about myself....and I have days when people comment on how I look...in positive ways and I often am surprised and shocked by it. I always want to say "um do you know who I am?" But I don't.....I thank them and I then ponder it. What makes today any better than yesterday? Did I spend a little more time preening? Why is today a particularly good hair day? I don't have the answers...again, more questions than actual answers!

In my world it seems that the beautiful people live charmed lives. They have doors opened (figuratively and literally) in front of them all of the time. They have boys (or girls!) falling all over themselves to be with them, to buy them things, to spend time with them to want to just do things for them. I see it all the time. They smile, shake their ass a bit and wala....the doors of opportunity fly open.

Is it enough? Is it superficial? Are they truly happy? What happens when their looks go away because they always go. Time is not kind to any body. I don't care how much surgery you have, time is not a friend to any of us. Things droop, we wrinkle, we grey, we sag, expand and yet if someone truly loves us they don't see any of that. I can barely let anyone see that now much less thinking what 10 or 20 more years will bring to this body. Ugh.

I imagine beautiful people are happy and content with their lives and they never want for anything. Realistically I know that's not true but beautiful = happy....doesn't it? I know...there is much more to a person than their outsides. I've been banking on that fact for years, I get that, I understand that but the reality is people want the pretty people. They want to be them, to be seen with them, to be one of them - is there a privilege to being beautiful?

When it comes to society’s standards of beauty, there are many common notions like "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" or "beauty is only skin deep" but what about us average folks? What have we to offer? I guess we help to put the pretty ones up on those pedestals they are on. We keep them there. Is being pretty on the inside even possible? How do you transform that to pretty on the outside?

Un-do-over-able?

Are there just some things you can't "do-over"?

I think about some of the things I've done over this last year and I want to do some of them over because I know I can do better, I can get better results, I can give more, I can not say something out loud...."do-over" but it made me think....are there some things we can't?

Things like your first kiss - you can't do that over. You can't change that moment, that feeling, that butterflies flying wild and free inside your gut. You can kiss new people for the first time but it's not really the same as your VERY first kiss. How about the first time you fell in love, I mean truly and seriously IN LOVE? Oddly enough my first kiss and my first love were the same person....Andrew something. I really loved him.

I remember the moment I fell completely head over heels for him. I was 14 or 15 an we lived in these town houses in Country Club Hills, Illinois. It was summer and the big thing we did was play hide and seek and I remember him grabbing my arm and pulling me with him. We hid together and he whispered to me that he thought I was the prettiest girl he had ever seen and we kissed. I almost died. It didn't occur to me that this moment would later become something you hold all your other first kisses up too. That moment was so perfect and etched in my brain as magical despite the fact that it took place in a industrial sized garbage dumpster. There was lots of new construction going on in my neighborhood and for some reason we thought climbing into this dumpster full of wood, nails and God knows what else was a brilliant place to hide.

I wouldn't re-do those events. Even all these years later it makes me smile. But there are many other things I would like to re-do but when I think about them is it even possible? I mean haven't I become the person I am today because of events that have happened or haven't happened? If I do them over will that change me? Will it change where I am? Is that what I really want?

There are somethings I'd like to DO. Things I have always wanted to do....thus my "list" but do I really want do overs? Maybe on somethings and I guess I get to choose what I want to do over. I know there are things I could do better on like a test or a paper or an article I've written, maybe a dinner I've botched.

There is a fine line between reality and pretend.......the reality is you can't really do over the first time of anything. There is more than the event attached to it. Emotions, feelings, memories, the entire experience. Pretending the event never happend......I guess that can be done. Why not, we do that all the time. Isn't that what the words "I'm sorry" are for? Sort of like a Tide stick for your life.

Say cheese!

"The happiest people are those who think the most interesting thoughts. Those who decide to use leisure as a means of mental development, who love good music, good books, good pictures, good friends, good conversation - they are the happiest people in the world. They are not only happy in themselves; they are the cause of happiness in others."

Lately I've had this love for pictures. I love taking them, I love looking at them, I even kind of enjoy being in them again. For a long time I avoided them. Mainly it was more about how I ended up looking in them. My internal mirror was covered in Vaseline because I used to think I looked good and then I'd see a picture of myself and be like reall? What the hell...why do I look like a hobbit? Anyway, now I find that if I am taking the pictures (self portraits have really become my specialty!) I can control that better and I actually like my pictures - well I do make some crazy ass faces sometimes but overall, I enjoy them.

I was adding a few new pictures to my picture wall last night and it occurred to me why I like pictures so much - it's a moment in time that made me really, really happy. It's a moment, an event, a situation that I was with others who are choosing to be with me at that very moment. I look at these pictures and the whole event comes flooding back to me and it makes me really happy. I love pictures! I love that with one snap of a button I can capture an event that will always be with me. It's funny how that saying is so true - a picture is worth a thousand words.

Sometimes I look at old pictures that I barely remember or that I wasn't a part of and I wonder what was happening at that time? What made this moment in time happen? Was it planned, spontaneous or a surprise? Did they mean to wear that? Especially old pictures from my parents. What ever happened to my grandparents pictures? They must have taken pictures at different points in their lives...what ever happened to all of those moments in time? What will happen to my pictures? When I am dead and gone no one will even care or know who these pictures are of. Will they end up in some second hand shop that some stranger will pick through someday? I can't stand the thought of them not having meaning.

It's funny - I never realized how much power a picture has. I mean I know they can evoke emotions and they have meaning but really, in the entire scheme of life they have power. Take my parents wedding pictures for instance. I bet they planned and saved and took the time to be sure they had all the "right" pictures to capture that day, that moment, their "love" and then twenty some years later they are simply shoved in a box in a garage rotting away just like their love did.

Strange how a picture at one moment in time can mean so much and after some time it just doesn't. How can something go from meaning so much to just being a simple colored image of people?

One of my favorite pictures I own was taken in October 0f 1982 in Disney World. It's a picture of my grandfather in his golf shirt and polyester mustard colored pants with his hat on. He always wore a hat and he always wore a golf shirt....like a polo shirt - he may have been a trend setter in his days! He's standing with Goofy and he's smiling and there is this sort of calm joy about this picture. It's this one second in time where I'm sure my grandmother said "Miles go stand by Goofy and smile". I'm sure he grumbled the entire time he walked over to stand next to Goofy and put his arm around him and for this one brief second in time - he stopped, smiled and just was. He appears to be happy, healthy and really enjoying his time. This is the moment in time this snapshot captured.....it secured for me 27 years later this sense that at this very moment in time, in October of 1982, everything was right and good and happy. A mere 12 years later he would be dead from cancer.

We just never know when time will change - that's why I like pictures. I like the joy and the moments in time they secure, the emotions or feelings they can convey to me years later. I think I need to take more.