New year, new choices

On the cusp of a new year, it's time to make some choices. To choose a path that will take me into the new year and start me off on a path/journey/adventure that is bound to be better that this last year. Coming into 2010 I had some worries for the year. Coming off off of my year of NO RULES (2009 was fine!) I had some expectations for 2010 but no plan. That's probably the bigger issues....expectations are just that...but a plan puts into motion your own actions towards an outcome. So....with just a few days left of this year, I've got to get together a "plan."

I love the whole concept of "New Year, New You." I've always been a big believer that some how, magically, at the stroke of midnight on New Years Eve your world could change. That something magical was in the air and some how with the tick of that clock your world could change. I always had belief in New Years....but no mater what, the clock is going to move forward, the new day will dawn and it's totally up to me to make anything else happen.

I guess maybe the oversight comes when we forget to honor our past, where we've come from, what we've dealt with, what we've managed to get over, through or survive. That is, to celebrate the old in ourselves! What do we choose to keep in our life? What do we want to change or release? I don't think we need to start everything over but maybe make some better choices of what we do decide to keep IN our life.

"The opposite of old is not young, the opposite of old is new. As long as we continue to experience the new, we will inhabit all that we are."

So are we looking for a new life or some new experiences? We have the opportunity to change. I think it's time I choose to go forward with inspiration and adventure! Here's to a new year full of fun, laughter, adventure and unexpected surprises!

2011 is going to be THE year!

Magical time of the year

Well here we are, on the edge of yet another holiday. The Christmas spirit surrounds us and even if we wanted to stop it from coming, it's here...tomorrow. Multitudes of people will awaken Christmas morning, rush to their trees and find that the magic of the season has come and they will tear into unknown wrapped treasures until there is nothing left but shreds of paper.

I miss those moments. I miss the magic of childhood, the joy of the tree sprinkled in presents, the hope that just what I asked for was waiting for me, hidden under the tree. Somehow the magic of the season fades away when you get older and are no longer surrounded by young ones. It feels like just another day.....except if you come across other people, they are a little kinder, gentler, nicer.....for the day.

I've been working retail this year and I forget how frazzled people get trying to get that "perfect" gift. How irrational they become over the exclusions of a coupon and how manic they get when the gift they wanted is no where to be found. Ahh, the commercialism of the holidays has certainly taken it's toll on the masses.

This year is kind of my year off. I don't know if it's the lack of income, the fact that I am working retail and can't hardly bare to enter a mall or the fact that I feel kinda grinchy but I am looking forward to Christmas being over. Forget the magic, forget the presents....just bring on the new year with new possibilities laid out before me without all the baggage of this last year.

I wish we could to a point where it isn't about the packages and bows as much as it is about people being kinder to each other. Boss's understanding the value of paying employee's a fair salary for a hard day's work, for partners to love and respect each other all times of the year and children learning the value of love and worry less about stuff....but that's not our culture, that's now who we are.....who we have created our society to be. I suppose we can do that for ourselves but ultimately we can't change that for others.

I'm making plans for this next year that will hopefully have me sitting here next year at this time marveling over the year I am leaving behind. Fondly looking back at a year that was full of amazing things.

So as the Christmas music turns into a distant memory and the presents we thought we could live without find a home in a forgotten part of our homes, may the new year bring with it all the good and amazing things we need.

A farewell to can't

Dear can't:

Saying goodbye to you does not make me sad. I will not miss you as much as you think I will. I want to find out what it feels like to live in the CAN DO world. I want to know what it feels like to do the unthinkable, to be able to look at the long hard challenges in front of me and be willing to go for it. Our relationship certainly has had it's ups and downs, mostly downs, but I believe you have served your purpose and thus, I must say goodbye to you.

From now on the difficult tasks will seem less difficult, I will see the road before me as a choice, and option, a place I want to be rather than something that is undoable or stressful. I will see the impossible tasks as simply possible.

So good-bye to you my friend, hopefully our paths will not cross again, but if they should, I hope you will see I am in a better place, partially because of you but mostly because I have learned and grown and really have become the best "me" I can possibly be.

Farewell Can't......hello Can.

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Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you
can’t change. Kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances give
everything and have no regrets.

Life is too short to be anything but happy!

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Learning to get to the now

Sometimes life gets in the way of what it is we really want. It seems like it's an endless race and someone keeps moving the finish line. Sometimes I really miss the innocence of youth. The belief in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny....that magical moment in time when there was something outside our own bubble that really gave me something to look forward to.

The older I get, I realize you have less magical moments to believe in. I wonder what changes that for a person. Is is a job, a partner, money? Is it tied to a time of the year or something deeper, way inside of us? Does the Universe really put things in our path when we need them. Is there really some merit to unanswered prayers? I mean, if we really got all that we ask for all the time, would we really appreciate anything? Don't we really value and appreciate the things we've worked hard for.....including the people we fight to keep in our lives.

Sometimes we have to learn to live in the here and now. Not to say we shouldn't focus on the future, but sometimes we have to accept what we can't control and just live in the now. I’ve noticed that the happier I feel, the less attached I am to outcomes. Instead of trying to acquire money, possessions, or other external things, my focus has shifted to self-expression, what I can control, what I can change.

I'm exhausted from focusing on what I don't have right now, feeling like I'm stuck in the same situation and sacrificing everything for the hope of a better tomorrow....like I'm running on a treadmill. I'm learning there is no "someday" and there is only right now. So it's time to make that move to the here and now....to today....to making choices that enhance and move my life forward....that stop holding you in one place that you can't seem to get out of.

Here's to the now....and leaving the past in the past.

And so it begins...or actually ends

It's bound to happen. Relationships end, friends lose touch, family moves apart. Time is our best friend and our worst enemy.

I have been fighting for so long to hang on to the things I want in my life. Like a mountain climber clutching the side of a mountain for dear life, I have dug my nails into the things I want so badly that I didn't see them crumbling right out from under me until suddenly (or that's how it seems) they have fallen apart. They are gone and I'm not sure I can get them back.

Mostly for me I've realized as I've gotten older, there is SO little we have control over. We can't control the weather or other people or - well, pretty much anything. We really have control over so very little in our own lives. I know it's not how we act but how we REACT to things. It's all in our attitude, our perception our whatever, but frankly....I'm kinda not really digging the fact that I seem to keep dealing with "endings" of one form or another.

I was happy and content in my life. I woke up everyday and did the same thing over and over to the point that people could and did call me predictable. Then something inside me decided that life wasn't good enough any longer so I pulled up stakes and changed my life pretty drastically.

At first it was all shiny and new and I was again happy and content. Then again, one day I woke up to discover that once again, it wasn't enough, there was something missing....something not quite right with who I was and where I was so I again made changes. Again I was happy and content but had this weird sort of heightened sense of reality that this too won't last. As soon as I am comfortable and happy with my madness, this too will change....and slowly over the last year it's happened again. This time however, seemed to be a shorter amount to time that spanned between the "I'll make changes and everything will be good again" and "wow, this isn't what I want at all, something has to change" time frame.

Is it because I'm older and dare I say "wiser"? Is it because I've had some things come into my life over the last year that I really wanted to stay and without my control, they have slowly dwindled and left without me making that decision? Or is it because I'm deciding much quicker that I don't have to wait for things to change, I can go ahead and make that happen? Either way, it's happening faster and thus...it begins again...but really that means things I like/enjoy/want in my life are ending and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I think we had an amazing summer/fall this year and I loved that until this very last weekend, we were coat less and open toe shoes were still being strutted about like it was the middle of July. All of a sudden, we have gone into the boot/closed toe season and I feel like I wasn't quite ready. Is it because I fought it? I stubbornly dug my proverbial head in the sand and refused to accept that summer/fall was indeed over? All I know is here I sit, the middle of November, reflecting back on this year and trying like hell to not COMPARE it, but to look at it for what it was/is and how little time is left to try to make it be something that won't feel like a complete black hole of suckyness to end this year.

I feel really disappointed by this year. I had high hopes for it...I mean I was coming into this year with hope and anticipation and plans of it being a continuation of the last year and planned on riding that high through this year. I wanted not only my personal relationships to grow and flourish but I really thought my professional life would grow and bloom in many new ways that would not only enhance me from a challenging work focused perspective, but a financial one as well. I imagined I would finally be in a place of respect and financial wellness for myself that is LONG overdue and again, without my control, none of that really happened. Oh I was given new "opportunities", that's always good, but opportunities need to have rewards for a person on a personal level as well as a financial level and I don't know how to mesh that up when I have no control over it. It's just....disappointing.

Also, it's been a hard year for some of my very close friends...there have been job losses, long term relationships that ended and new additions to already stressed families and I want to help them all but find that by trying to maintain everyone else's life, it drains my life immensely and nothing is in place to refill that for me. I'm like that little buoy that's tied out to a mile marker that serves a purpose but no one is sure exactly what it is - but it is important.

And now the holidays are upon us. I reflect on all I'm really thankful for: family, friends, my health, my jobs.....I'm lucky. I'm super lucky, but yet, there is this huge missing piece, this huge open part that doesn't seem to have any place. How do you try to fix what you can't even see?

I miss the relationships I had last year, I feel responsible for the loss because I've been pretty self focused trying to figure out whatever path it is I'm suppose to be on and the harder I try to find it, the more confused it seems to be and thus I've ended up losing some relationships because a person only has so much to give. My well is dry. I miss those people that I could just BE myself with, that do simple things like having a coffee or seeing a movie was enough. Feels like everything has to be a bigger production - schedules have to be coordinated, families have to be notified and all the life changes have pulled us away from each other either because of relationship additions, complications or moving far away.

And so it begins...the ending that I've been fighting to not have happen...is actually happening right in front of me and down I fall.....to the bottom of the mountain only to pick myself up and try again.

All glitter, no guts

I love glitter, sparkle, bling....shiny objects. It catches my eye and makes me happy. I realize however, there is a fine line between tasteful bling and over the top "Oh my God how old does she think she is" glitter and bling. I also realize, that it takes on another layer when you get older. The whole glitter thing becomes something bigger than just the surface level sparkle you see.....all glitter and not guts doesn't really work.

If your going to do something, I say do it well. Don't half way do it, go into it with guns blazing and really give it 110%. I was talking to a co-worker who had just come from a meeting where she was trying to engage people in the idea of a new program. I don't know the details of the program, but she was trying to get buy-in from the group. She was trying to get everyone moving in the same direction and she said it's got "sparkle". She was describing this new potential program and repeatedly said it's got "sparkle". Finally someone said, "OK...but when the sparkle fades, what are we left with?" It's like you have to suddenly be brave with your mistakes and somehow keep on moving forward.

Sometimes it feels like life is all dependant on one moment. One single defining moment in time. We rush to grow up, to fall in love, to get that ring on our finger that says we are someone, that we matter, we belong, we are. Is life really wrapped inside a diamond ring?

We grow up learning to make wishes....we wish on falling stars, we close our eyes and wish with all our might as we blow out our birthday candles, we even make a wish and throw a penny in a fountain. What have you got to lose by wishing - right? Isn't wishing just a way for us to step outside our comfort zone? To look outside ourselves and want more, want what we don't have yet. To be brave and venture out onto a path we haven't yet walked on? The worst thing you've done is make a mistake, just make another wish. Isn't it time we learn to be brave with our own mistakes?

I like being first. The first one to open a jar of peanut butter, the first one in line at the coffee pots, the first one to be some where....being first. I feel like if I'm there first I get the choice of what I want, where I want to sit and mostly then I won't miss anything. That feels critical to me. Like if you don't want to be left behind. Maybe that's what the sparkle is for? To attract things to you. Who can avoid it? It's got a magnetic feel and pull to it. Even if your not a fan of it, you can't help but notice it.

It's time I suppose to put it all way, to pass it onto the younger generation of would-be's and forge onto a path that is uncluttered and unblinged and see what happens. What color is your life? When the sparkle fades, what are we left with?

It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been trying like hell to live my life with a sparkle effect....or bling-attude (if that isn't a word it should be!) and I thought wow....what do you do when your left with out something to distract, to deflect, to veer away from the reality of life?

What do you do when that's all gone?

Taking control

I realize in the span of our own lives there is so little we have actual control over so it shouldn't surprise me that when you give a person an inch to have some control they run with it like a squirrel storing food for the winter. Give them an inch and almost always, they take a mile.

People never cease to amaze me. They always want more, different...they want the world to revolve around them and the minute they get it they kinda go a little bonkers. I'm of course including myself in that mess - we really are quite complicated individuals!

I've always said I hate being alone, I hate having time alone, by myself and so I do things to be sure that doesn't happen but after a few weeks of running at warp speed I get exhausted and cranky and wonder why I don't have any control over my life. I do whatever I can to keep moving, to keep being out there because that seems to matter...it makes me feel like I matter so I run, I run at warp speed until I hit the proverbial wall.

One of my pet peeves is when people say YES to something only to cancel at the last minute or not even show up and yet I've been doing that lately for a few reasons:

• I'm over committing my time - I apparently can't say YES to everything
• I have no real control over my time like I used to, work is kind of my master right now
• Frankly I'm kind of exhausted

I always joke about the fact that I want/need someone to take care of me for a while but really, that's not the answer. The answer is balance, which I am pretty bad at. I need to find a way to balance all the chatter in my head and heart screaming at me that it hates being alone and home and balance that with all the things I've said yes to....things I enjoy, people I enjoy spending time with, and hopefully someone new and important to spend my time with. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired all the time. I keep pushing myself thinking I'll get to that next point, that next place and I'm wondering if that place doesn't really exist anywhere except in fairy tales or in my own messed up mind.

We all have those moments that someone says something or something happens that makes us go Whoa...wait...what!? That's not me. I call those a "brick in the windshield" moment. It sometimes takes a brick in the windshield to make us stop and take pause....to look at our own self in the same way others are seeing us. Sometimes it hurts....because we have our own walls of denial and security we have built up around us and suddenly we have to see ourselves in a new light and sometimes its a brick in the windshield moment.

Life is nothing if it's not constantly a learning experience. All we can do is try...to keep moving we need to take control of our own lives, thoughts and time and just do the best we can. After all, we are only here for a short time, why not enjoy the ride?

What is perfect

We all strive to be the best we can be, to be the shining star - to be perfect. We try hard in school, at work, in life and we want others to see us and think of us a perfect but the reality is we all have our flaws.

I admit I get caught in my own little bubble of imperfections. I look at myself and I only see what is wrong with me, what I need to change and if your lucky (I sure am!) you get lots of other people around you who are always willing to tell you what you need to change about yourself too.
Today I kinda got sidetracked....I've been at work since very early, so I was in before the cafeteria opens - usually I am one of the first through so I almost never have to see people or even fight them to get my coffee, but there are the few times I'm off schedule and I have to deal. Today, although I wasn't off schedule, I had to deal...I never like having to deal in the morning...but I did.

Along the way I encountered some of the regular morning people I see and some new faces, there is apparently a "school" in today. Three different people stopped me to tell me I had - and I quote "perfect hair". PERFECT HAIR! I'll admit, the first time I was like....have some coffee...your still sleeping lady but the second time I kinda paused and said "really" - "seriously". It kinda added a little pep in my step. Then the third time I was like...."wow...I am soooo rocking this Wednesday!" ha ha. I don't really think my hair, or frankly anything about me is perfect but it's nice to get that little burst of validation without asking for it.

A person could get used to that kind of treatment.

It's a ride not a fight

Everyday we get up, we try to start our day with the best intentions. I always think "today is the day everything is going to change". Then I get out into the world and I feel small and insignificant and I have no power to change anything. I just sort of react, exist, manage everything around me. Feels like everything I attempt is a fight, an uphill climb. Isn't it strange how the littlest things can really change who we are?

It's exhausting to always wish you were someone else. I wonder if we ever settle into the fact that we are who we are and we have the life we have and it's OK. The point of life, of living is to grow and want more....but there is probably a difference between wanting more and needing more. It seems acceptable to want more from life but if we spend all our time and energy NEEDING more then it makes you wonder....what's missing?

Do we ever get those missing pieces of ourselves? If we keep looking, keep searching keep trying to get that missing piece, do we ever really ever feel complete? Do we ever get that piece of the puzzle and feel really content with what we have and where we are?

Developing as a person doesn't really mean you have to become someone completely different but it's more about personal development. Growing as a person forces us to build upon the foundation that we already have. Some days it feels a little harder than others, but it helps to have goals or to see the bigger picture. We can easily accept where we are starting from but it's where we want to end up that can totally muddle things up.

It's like walking in between sunset and sunrise. We get so tied up in our day, our own lives that we lose sight of where we are trying to go....walking in between. It's time to choose a path, to stop stumbling through life. It's time to let things go, to stop waiting. It's time to start moving in some direction again. I miss who I was before. I have been living this year in a pause mode, I guess technically it's not really living if your paused. This year feels like there was lots of pausing, waiting, and looking for the rewind button. I think it's time to change that remote and just get going.

Time to put my oars back in the water and begin rowing again - after all, it should be a ride, not a fight.

All we are is what we are

It seems like life moves at warp speed. We grow up always trying to be someone. Trying to be something more than what we are. We practice to be better at music or sports or whatever, but really all we are is what we are.

Each day is a start again to try it all over. All we can do is the best we can. We waste hours, days, weeks focusing on trying to be more, to be better, to be something more than we are, trading hours for something new because we think we don't have enough just as we are. Wasted time.

In the end how much of it really matters because as much as we want it to, nothing really stays the same. Life is about constant changing, most of it not within our control. All we are is what we are.

It seems that just as we get settled and content in life a change occurs. A partner leaves, your job changes, friends leave, divorce happens....something comes in to change it. It's not always bad or negative, it just is.

Sometimes it just sneaks up on you and you don't even see it coming. Suddenly and without warning, you're surrounded by the best friends you've ever known. You're waking up in the mornings just "dying" to get into the day. There's a lightness in your step and a gleam in your eye. Your thinking is new, your laughter frequent, and you're drawn to tears whenever you hear happy tales. You're on a roll, so it's not like you're thinking about it, but if you were to think about it, you wouldn't know what's gotten into you, nor would you recall just when. You'd only shake your head whenever you thought of how quickly everything can change.

It's about learning to keep our oars in the water....to keep moving no matter what's happening. I recently left my part time job at my apartment complex and things were really good there for a long time and when things changed to the point that it was no longer a FUN place to work I had to walk away. It was like tearing off a band-aide off a wound that is not yet healed. It's hard for me to walk away from the past....maybe it’s because I’m crazy, maybe it’s because I can’t honestly figure out what I want? It’s not enough to just stand still and wait for things to happen, you have to go after them. You have to keep moving, keep growing, keep changing, keep looking for that next adventure, friend – life experience to keep you rowing in some direction.

Just something to remember the next time you don't see something coming.

Getting Lost to Be Found

"The only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!

So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun."

So it's like you have to be at the bottom to reach the top. It's like you have to give up all hope, all thought, all anything to get what you want?

Seems counter productive to the whole process of perseverance doesn't it? I am often confused by the messages the Universe sends my way. Why does it send you people, or moments or put you in place to have these moments that suddenly turn into "ah ha" moments or "light bulb" moments for you and then take it all away from you? What exactly is the lesson there?

I have been thinking a lot about all the stuff we accumulate over a lifetime...not just the mental and emotional baggage we tend to save, but all the actual, physical stuff we accumulate. Clothes, possessions, furniture, tables, lamps.....stuff. I looked around my house this weekend and realized I have accumulated so much stuff that I don't need yet I don't feel like I am ready to just get rid of it all.

Part of me is really, really tempted to empty out my life, to discard all that I have worked hard to collect. I feel like I worked hard to create a life, a space for my life but yet nothing seems to fit here. Like I collected all this stuff hoping somehow my life would blossom into something bigger, something to fit my space and yet it hasn't, it remains empty and quiet and for as much stuff as I have squashed into my space, it feels bare. A house is only a house...a place to store stuff. I have some weird attachment to my "stuff" but suddenly, it's like I'm seeing things for the first time and I don't want this stuff anymore, I don't want this baggage, or this life that it seems to be crying out for but will never happen.

It seems like we spend all this time and energy creating a life, a space, a home and really, it doesn't matter all that much. That old saying....it doesn't matter what kind of car you drove, how much money you had, all that matters is that you were important in the life of someone.

So it begs the question.....are you important in the life of someone?

What we really want

I wonder if we ever get to a point in our life where we no longer want. We no longer wish for the good old days back, we accept where we are, the path we have chosen and accept that we really have no control or say over life. Do we ever become OK and content with the life we have? Is that what most people would call a "normal" life or is it settling for what we have? When do we give up the fight and just keep living? Why does it feel like we have to have either/or?


I wonder, if we knew then what we know now, would we change anything about our lives or the decisions we made in moment? Would we change what we said, did, wore - wouldn't that change who we are now? Sometimes we learn and grow from the experiences we go through, the heartbreaks, the fun, the things that leave scars on our hearts. If we knew then what we know now would we really choose a different path? Isn't who we are right now based on all we have experienced thus far? I realize there are some really painful things that come upon us and crush our souls from the inside out, but really, it's who we are. Who would we be without that experience?

I think we are all put here for a reason, the more we struggle, search and hunt for that "reason" the more elusive it becomes. It's like a greased pig, every time you think you have your arms around it, it slips out and runs away. I think sometimes you just have to settle into a life, a routine a system and everything will work out like it's suppose to. If we let go and stop fighting it's easier. When we release our attachment to the outcome, we allow the magic to happen - right?

We spend a good part of our life trying on all these different masks of who we think we are suppose to be. It seems to be an elusive search for the one that is US, the one that is who we are. Cardboard masks of all the people we have been, we end up throwing them away over and over again, continuing to search for the one that fits us.

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you are willing to give anything to get it? What are you willing to do for it? I think we have days where we feel like we can change who we are and we begin to move in that direction, we move onto a new path and we push forward and forge into a new direction and unless we are true to who we are it's short-lived, no matter how hard we try to hang on to it. I've learned that you can't control things, you can't hold on to things that really aren't meant to be. In the whole scheme of things, we have very little control over things. We really can manage or control our reaction or feelings to things around us. Sometimes it's overwhelming and it's easier to give up and other days we feel empowered to change the world.

Even if it's our own small little corner of it.

Finding our value

I read somewhere that the path to true happiness is often blocked by our own self. That we are our own worst enemies. It went on to say that we, in a sense, have to lose our mind to be happy. Well if that is true, I should have been happy a long time ago!

I did find out later in the book what the author meant by that. When we were small children we experienced life very differently, that everyday was a new adventure and as we got older we stopped experiencing things in that same way. Our minds started to define and categorize all the experiences and events that happened to us and around us. We learned to be self critcal and judmental of not only ourselves, but those around us. The bottom line was we needed to live life in the "Here and Now" we need to go back to experiencing the world around us on a day to day basis as we did before we got all hardened and jaded by life.

Just like a child's first step out on the lawn, the pointy blades of grass tickle us and it's a new wonderful experience. When was the last time you experienced that sensation? I was talking to a friend last night and we discussed how we don't see things about ourselves that others do. Like the way we go out of our way to give to others, to help, to be kind, to do what we would want someone to do for us...but it seems like normal behavior to us so we don't see it as something bigger than that. We don't see our own value. Does this mean we are missing our purpose? Are we so blinded by our own self that we can't see our purpose?

By finding your purpose in life you find your connection to the bigger picture. To the bubble outside of your own. For me it is by doing random acts of kindness and hoping that those acts of kindness are being paid forward. Finding things that bring you joy and happiness and then doing that for others. Hoping they then find that within themselves and do the same. It's knowing that you have helped someone and brought a little light into their world. Also by getting out in nature and enjoying a nice sunny day will help you appreciate what beauty there is in the world around you. Sometimes just being aware of our own surroundings make us more connected.

All of this doesn't happen over night. It takes a long time and lots of bad choices along the way to guide you to the place that puts you on the right path. It also comes with learning to change your frame of mind from the negative to the positive and seeing things in a different light. That is so easy to write but really, really difficult to do in life. For me especially, I have been spending so much energy focused on what I miss that I have probably missed so many opportunities right in front of me. I've said it before and I will say it again....it's hard to be an adult!

Life is a constantly moving ride. If you don't keep your hands inside at all times you will have a price to pay. Thinking back on life as a kid where all you had to do was learn to tie your shoes, ride a bike or learn to swim, that was easy. Someone did your laundry, made you dinner - well, sometimes, but overall, you were takend care of. You didn't have to think. Life was easy, you rode your bike, played at the park and things like a ride on the see-saw was your biggest stress factor.

The see-saw is a great metaphor for life, it's the constant up-down-up-down movement that really keeps things interesting and in balance. You always had that moment of panic that your end wouldn't rise up when it was time and then all of a sudden, you were up - feet dangling and nothing at that very moment mattered. I guess as adults we can have moments like that, we can give and receive, have boisterous times and quiet times. We can dance ecstatically and then spend some time resting in quiet, calmness. As long as we have a fire in our belly and tears in our eyes we will have that integrated balance that makes us human.

Please keep your arms and legs in at all times and as always, no smoking. Enjoy the ride.

It's over

You know that feeling you have in a job or a relationship or just in general, where you just wake up and you KNOW, without a doubt, it's over. You have nothing left to give inside that can offer anything more to the situation and you know for all parties involved it's just best to walk away, to quit, to stop pretending anymore. It's over.

Problem is, usually when it's over you have a plan, an idea, a place to go to recharge, to make over your life. Change is in the wind, all you have to do is open your arms and embrace it. I read this quote in my Oprah magazine "a make-over shouldn't turn you into someone else - it should lead to a better you." Isn't that what we are doing when we reach that point and move on....looking for a better us? Searching for that elusive thing that makes us happy, makes us feel loved, brings us joy? Isn't that what experiences are about...to find out what works for us and what doesn't? Reinvention doesn't happen when you hate the person you are right now.

Along with change comes the baggage we choose to take with us on our journey. I heard a quote once that said "I am looking for someone with baggage to match mine." Makes me giggle a little but really it's true. You don't want to someone with a lot of mismatched baggage, you don't mind some, even it it's tattered, torn and kinda worn around the edges, but it has to sort of match yours...you can't be going against who you really are. That's the hard part, at least it seems to be for me. It's like the only baggage left out there is some crazy funky pattern I just can't make go with mine....and mine is crazy enough.

Life is full of twists and turns, feel like sometimes the only thing to do is to start looking at everything again until you forget what you're supposed to see and then actually just see what is really there. Time to take off the rose-colored glasses and look at things as they really are, no sense in pretending they are anything more that what they really are.

You never know what is going to cause a memorable event for yourself or for someone else. A few years ago I had a night I can't erase from my brain. It's forever etched in my mind as a pivotal point in my adult life. It wasn't planned, it was a sort of spontaneous moment in time that I wish I could capture and have everyday, but it's not to be....but I have that moment in time, that place and that person forever etched into my memory.

I often do things without much thought...some would claim I am not living in the moment and maybe that's true but it's who I am...at least right now. I blogged about that after hearing this great speaker who talked about living in the moment and how we don't really do that very well and how it's something we have to FORCE upon ourselves. Not sure that's good or bad. I often go through my life in such a state of routine that I forget about the moment in time I am in.

In making some drastic changes in my life lately, I've suddenly realized that sometimes I am the creator of moments for other people that they then hang onto and remember and refer back to that I didn't really think meant anything at all. It's a weird sort of moment when you realize you have made someone else's world shine for just a moment. I'm the cause of that one moment in time they remember and talk about and hopefully smile about.

I get so self involved most days trying to force my round self into so many square places that I forget I can and do have an impact on others. It feels like an immense responsibility for me now to know this.

Complacent life

As time moves on we settle into routines. We settled into a life, a job, a relationship and after a small amount of time we get into a rhythm or routine that becomes something we do without thinking about it.

We get up, make coffee, pack a lunch, take a shower, go to work, come home, dinner, dishes, laundry, maybe something fun but then we do it all over again. We settle into a unconcerned lifestyle until something jumps in and shakes it up for us.

I've been living that kind of a life this year....and I'm not sure it's for me. Last year I chose a path of "NO RULES" and set out on an adventure...that quickly faded into being my past. It's funny how fast that happens. I've been struggling feeling like I need to "re-capture" that again like an aging actress trying to recapture her youth for the cameras. The fact of the matter is, the past is the past and there is not going back. It's a hard, big, bitter pill to swallow but I think I finally have choked it down, or at least it's headed that way.

For so long I've clung to the things I love about my life, I've held them tightly to my chest like a small child holding the string of a balloon. Slowly I've felt the string slipping from my grasp but the tighter I held and the more focused on the string slipping only caused it to slip away harder. It's hard to feel like you are standing still while the world around you moves and shapes and grows but you are stuck on a rock that doesn't budge.....holding on with all your might to your balloon hoping to keep it from getting away, from blowing away in the wind. The more you try, the harder it gets until one day, without you even realizing it....the balloon is gone and all you have left is the memory of how grand it looked floating free and easy above your head.

We all do this in one way or another, we become complacent with our life, our journey, our relationships. We no longer try to make things better, stronger, more exciting. It takes too much effort, to much time...just too much. It's easier to just be.....right?

Sometimes it takes a major life event to cause us to look outside ourselves. To see the world through someone else's glasses. It's funny, if you ask 10 people what they think your own life is like, you will get 10 different answers. We present pieces of our self to people, groups, situations so differently and it's the rare person who knows us well. I recently started a new part time job and I was in training with 6 other people. We went around the room and had to introduce ourselves to each other, the funny thing is I will most likely never see these employees again because none of us will be working in the same dept. but we had to share a little about ourselves. I thought isn't that interesting. For two minutes I can be anything I want to be to these complete strangers and they will never know anything different of me. They don't care to know anything more about me....yet here I am, expected to say something about myself.

Do you say something like, Hi, I am trying like hell to get back the life I had last year and I'm deeply unhappy with my life as it is laid out right now or do I do the standard I am excited to be selling women's shoes? How do we break out of the life we've worked so many years to create? Do we choose to stay on this path of least resistance or do we forge ahead into something unknown and hope for the best?

It's easy to not go against the grain, to just keep doing what we always do. I see some of the lifeless faces coming into work everyday and I wonder, where is their passion? Where is their joy? What makes them tick? I read this quote today that I really liked about smiling eyes:

She turned to me & whispered, don't you just love it when you get so excited you forget to breathe? & the thought of her smiling eyes still makes me laugh.

It's said that our eyes are the windows to our soul........it's interesting what we let in and ultimately let out.

You may as well be happy...

.....because no one really cares if you're miserable. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry, and you cry alone.

It seems to me that when things are good and going your way your world is filled with people, fun, happiness and light. Like a roller coaster on the upward leg of it's journey. Exciting and filled with possibilites. When you are down, need a boost or just a hand to hold it's like you are alone in the land of misfit toys. No one wants to be there when your down.

How are you suppose to manage life's ups and downs if when your down, your alone? You need a friend at that time to pat you on the back, take a shot with you and help you move on. Not one to ignore you, put you on the back burner and act like "eh, your fine....get over it." I sure hope I'm not like that to my friends when they are down and out.

I'm not saying throw money at them and let them live on your couch for years while they piss and moan about a bad life, I'm saying be a friend, let them vent and steer them back on the path of goodness and light.

The older I get, the more life experience I get I seem to have more questions than answers. A few days ago a friend of mine made this statement "Wouldn't it be great if you got the really important life lessons when you were twenty-eight instead of forty-eight? Actually, I suppose I probably did, but was just blathering too loudly myself to actually listen."

I can't stop thinking about that statement. What if we already learned all the things we needed to know and just missed the opportunity to really hear it....and live it. Is it too late? Is it ever really too late? I know the answer is a resounding NO...but I still wonder. Do we sometimes miss our chance because we are so outside ourselves at the time that we don't see the forest for the trees?

No one really cares when your miserable. No one is going to be your knight in shining armour and come galloping in to make things better, you have to do that for yourself. You have to be able to stand yourself back up...brush all the crap life throws at you off and keep on marching. If you don't, then what's the point? Sometimes the lessons of life seem so easy, so simple that a child could master them yet as a child we are no where near the maturity level to be able to handle them. Then we get so wrapped up in the everday management of our own life that by the time we are close to being a mature adult (for some people that may never happen) that we just sort of gloss over it.

Too bad we don't have a rewind or a fast forward button.

What is best?

The older I get, the harder I know what is best for me anymore. As a kid, you relied on your parents or adults in your life to do that for you. They knew what was best for me, even if I didn't want to accept that fact that I couldn't have ice cream for dinner.

This message came today: You're the only person who knows what's right for you. The only one.
And if you already know what this is, commit to it. If you don't, commit to nothing.

I love that. It's a very important thought in my life right now. Commit to something. I think that's what I'm missing lately...a sense of belonging to something bigger than me. Something I can commit to 100%.

I've been feeling like the things I am doing in my life are sort of going against my internal grain. You know that old saying, going against the grain? I feel like my job, my personal life, my family life, even my friendships have been really challenged in the last few months. I feel like I am having to work so hard at maintaining all of them...it makes me wonder what's changed? What's shifted that makes me work so hard at ALL aspects of my life. Am I really doing what's best for me? How does one know what is best?

I know life is about a series of mistakes, trial and errors but it's kind of exhausting to have to keep that level of fight up day after day after day. Mama needs a break. Not like a vacation, feet in the sand kind of a break, although I sure wouldn't say NO to that, more of a mental break. A break from making my mind work so hard to figure things out. No wonder I can't sleep at night. I fill my head all day long with stuff that by the time my body wears out, my brain is still going strong. I really have to find a way to exhaust my brain.

Doing what's best...it seems easy when your deciding this for someone else. I want so bad to tell my friend the person she is so enamoured with is a jerk and she deserves better, but she's happy and who am I to tell her what's best? I want to tell my friend that the job she is in is sucking her soul dry and she has nothing left to give anyone else in her life because she is 110% devoted to a job that doesn't give her anything more than a paycheck, but again, who am I to tell her what's best. I'm sure if people look too closely at my life they have a check list of things to tell me what's best for me.

I guess that's what this little gig is about, life. It's about learning and moving along our path and figuring out what is in our own best interest. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

A reason for every season

I don't know if it's my age, my mental state or just that fact that I just need to let out what's filtering around in my head, but lately I've been feeling quite emotional. I cry for the life that's passed me by, I get sad at the things I don't have in my life, I laugh at the silliest things (my friends dogs ears flipped) until I have tears rolling down my cheeks...and feel unmeasurable love and gratefulness (is that a word?) for the friends in my life.

I recently found this article that I've pared down because it was INCREDIBLY long, but I really liked the message. Made me think and happy....usually not a combination I have.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficult time or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, or walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand and what we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled and their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Then there are those people that come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may teach you something you have never done and they usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real, but only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

The Art of Saying (and meaning it) No

So many times we do things out of obligation. We say YES when we really mean DEAR GOD NO! We commit ourselves, our time; even our finances to things we really don't want to. Is it because we are afraid to say NO? Because saying no to something equates to being alone, bored, unhappy? I'm not sure where it all went off track..but I am saying YES to saying NO.

It only has two letters, but "no" is a powerful word. It's a simple fact that you can never be productive if you take on too many commitments, you end up spreading yourself too thin and then you are ultimately not good at any of them. It also can take the joy out of the things you really want to be doing because you become so focused on what's on your plate.

Recently I found myself really, sadly disappointed by a friend. We had been planning an event, an outing, a day-o-fun as I like to call it, for quite a while. We talked about it non-stop, planned for it, giggled about it but when it came time to actually doing it, she pulled out. She said NO. I was really disappointed by it. If she would have been honest with me up front and said OMG, I totally want to do this but I a) can't afford it, b) can't leave my family alone, c) don't really want to spend that much time with you.....whatever the reason, I would have been OK with it. I would have accepted it. So why do we do this? Why do we say YES when we really mean NO?

I am really exhausted by those people that say YES to everything and yet rarely show up or participate or contribute to what they have agreed to. It's time to take back the power of saying NO and use it for good, not evil.

I get that saying NO is an art form, and the more you do it, the better you get at it. If there is one thing I have learned as I've gotten older, it's that saying NO sometimes means saying YES to something else.

I wonder what things would be like if we really only commit to those things we really feel we can give our all to? Or is it possible that by doing things we may not be 100% committed to we actually learn something new? That we push ourselves to a new peak or place we've never been to? Is it possible that saying YES when we really mean NO can teach us something positive?

No, probably not. See....that wasn't so hard.

Choice or Chance?

Choice, not chance determines our destiny. So many times it's not WHAT you say, but how you say it that makes the difference. Saying "I'm sorry" and meaning it is much different than just saying the words. Saying "I love you" out of routine or habit is not the same as looking someone in the eyes and saying "I love you".

Go to any restaurant or coffee shop and look at the people around you. How do they carry themselves? Do they look happy? Do they look like they are totally digging their life? Do you?

The Universe, in all it's wisdom, provided this thought for me:

Young souls learn to accept responsibility for their actions. Mature souls learn to accept responsibility for their thoughts. Old souls learn to accept responsibility for their happiness.

Why must we be old before we learn the lessons life has to teach us? How come we can't learn to get by earlier with little victories? I wonder if in my next life I'll live with no fear, stand tall and strong knowing all that I need to know to get by.

Perhaps someday the world will catch up with us all and we will wake up knowing what it is we need to know right now. It seems like some life tragedy or big life issue has to happen for us to realize what it is we all should know about ourselves all along. Life true to who we are and we should be fine.

I suppose it's time to figure out who I am.

Need for control?

It's funny the things you discover about yourself while doing the simplest of tasks....like making toast.

This morning as I was pondering life's greatest questions my sandwich thin slipped between the bars and started to burn/smoke as it touched the hot wires that are suppose to toast it. I angrily poked at it until I got it out and then was sort of grumbling to myself when a co-worker approached. We laughed about it and we started talking about how things were built better when we were younger and that led into this weird thought pattern.

I said I've become so much less patient as I've gotten older. It's like I feel like I don't have a lot of time left to deal with the indecisiveness of others or the thoughtlessness that seems to be all around me. For instance, in the morning, I walk into the cafeteria to get my coffee and there is a flow, a process to getting your coffee...you start on the right, pick up your cup and then proceed through to choose your coffee, fill your cup, add creamer and finally the top. It's a very clear, simple process that any fool can see....but there is the occasional yahoo who is so completely self-absorbed in their own bubble that they walk right up to the counter, past me, put their tray full of food down and then try to reach over you to grab a cup and I am suppose to just stand there and let this happen?

So the older I get the less patience I have for these kinds of acts. My co-worker said he's less tolerant than patient. Is there a difference between tolerance and patience? It made me think more. Honestly...this much thinking before coffee is not good for anyone.

Tolerance - capacity to endure pain or hardship. Sympathy or indulgence for beliefs or practices, the allowable deviation from a standard. Patient - bearing pains or trials or without complaint, not hasty or impetuous. Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.

So maybe I've been thinking about myself wrong. I am NOT patient. I thought I was, but I think if anything I have a high tolerance level but I'm not really tolerant either. Hmmm, have I turned into that grumpy gus of an old woman already?

I used to be the kind of person that enjoyed being right. Not that I would argue it, okay, maybe that's not true, but I learned to sort of hone it....I started to become one who then had to PROVE I was right. Hmm, maybe that's slightly passive/aggressive. Jesh, the more I think about this and write about this, I am a hot mess.

Does it all come down to our need for control? I don't seem to be able to control much in my life so maybe it's my unconscious attempt at gaining control - if I get to do things my way or in my time then I win....is it about winning? Is this only the tip of the iceberg?

I am not sure I want to live in a world where I am in total control. It's clear I don't make the best decisions on my own, I always like/need input/feedback. Even if people don't think I do. I try to take it in, listen to it, process it and then make a decision. When I was younger, I admit, I made my decisions based on my friends wants/needs, but as I get older, I now am trying to make these based on what's best for me. Imagine that.....I am thinking of me first.

Ohh boy, this all started with an innocent piece of toast. Imagine where I could have gone had I added an egg or pancake to this start to my day?

Not ready yet

Being patient is not my strong suit. If you know me at all, you know this about me. I am all about things happening RIGHT NOW. I think partially it comes from my up bringing and with the disappointment that comes with waiting. Mostly, if you had to wait for something, it never happened. As an adult, I've had the opportunity to correct that but again, it feels like waiting for it equals it never happening.

We wait in line, we wait on hold, we wait to get the green light to enter the highway at rush hour. Then we wait to get a better job until after you graduate....wait for him to leave his wife.....wait to order something and it's no longer available - disappointment abound. To me, waiting means no, never gonna happen, uh uh, nope, forget about it..adios.

So today when I heard this message from not only one of my daily positive thoughts for the day sources, but a similar message from another it made me think about waiting. Is waiting really such a bad thing? Is it possibly the Universe's way or reminding us we are not yet ready?

Be willing to be patient. YES you want it RIGHT NOW, but maybe you're not ready for it right now. Maybe NOW isn't the time for you to step into that light. Trust that the Universe will provide it to you exactly at the perfect time, and accept that it is not now.

Are we so over exposed to wanting things here and now that we forget to enjoy the ride, to be patient with the process, to let things unfold as they are suppose to? In this face paced world, are we giving too much of ourselves and in return, expecting too much?

Remember that show, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? It hit the airwaves like gangbusters in the late 90's and launched Regis Philbin to the top of the charts. Soon the network began to realize the potential money bag that was, not only with the show but with advertising so they milked that bad boy for all it was worth. It was on 5 nights a week and they effectively squeezed every last cent out of that golden goose before it died a slow painful death. Over exposure can surely be the death of every or any good idea.

So are we trying to get to much too fast? Are we really square pegs we are trying to jam into round holes or are we just expecting too much from the Universe? How do we learn to enjoy the ride and see what's around us without wanting more? Without pushing ourselves to achieve more and to live the life we are meant to be living without the internal battle all the time?

Apparently I'm not ready yet....are you?

Learning to live with what we miss

So many times it's easier to accept change when we make the changes ourselves, when we initiate them. It's easier when we are choosing to stop seeing someone, to end a friendship, to quit a job, to stop accepting bad behavior as acceptable. Why do we continually allow others to rule our lives, to constantly do the adjusting to that kind of life? Maybe not all the time, but we sort of let that behavior continue to be acceptable because it's easier than dealing with it? I don't get it.

I think if you are person in a power position, you have an obligation to NOT accept poor behavior as acceptable. That you have a duty to not make others follow rules and not really enforce it for all parties. I mean, isn't that discrimination?

We learn to live with what we miss. We just build walls up around ourselves in order to get through our days. We keep doing this until something forces them to come tumbling down. We think we are protecting ourselves, blocking ourselves away from the things that hurt us, challenges us, it change us.....but really we just sort of go internal and shut out the world. Is it better to really have loved an lost than to never have loved at all?

It seems like the more you try to put all the pieces of your own life puzzle into place, the harder it gets. It's like all of a sudden you have all these pieces of the puzzle that aren't really even a piece of the puzzle you are working on. How does that happen? Do we just wake up one day and realize we need to put the puzzle together? That we need to have things where they belong and we struggle so hard to make them fit. It's like I keep pounding them into place but they keep popping up again and again. It's frustrating. I think I need to scrap this puzzle and start all over.

Is that an option? Can we really stop our current life path and just start all over? Is it as simple as that? What would it take? Do we quit our job, stop hanging with family and friends? Turn off our phone, computer....stop our connection in every form with the world as we know it? Do we do a hard re-boot of our own life and see where we end up?

Each day seems like an itch. I reach for it but I can't quite scratch it, every day it itches just a little bit more but I'm never really able to reach it.

Swimming against the current

Some days I feel like Dori in Finding Nemo...I have to keep reminding myself..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming".

I admire those people that forge their own path, rules be dammed. Those people that wake up each day and know they are going to make a difference, they know where they are going, what they are doing and who they have by their side no matter what. Then there are those of us who wake up and the first thought is....what fresh hell will this day bring.

I'm not quite in that boat yet, but I have to admit, I have been waking up thinking....please let me get through this day without unnecessary drama or frustration. Let this be a good day. I know you positive, happy people will say you need to wake up and say "it's going to be a great day!" I know I'm suppose to have a more positive outlook but honestly, it's hard to constantly be swimming against the current and be happy....should I just stop fighting it and just float away with everyone else?

At what point does it become giving up if you stop fighting the status quo, the "normal", the routine, mundane everyday tasks we are sort of drawn into doing? At what point does it no longer mean you are striving for something more and just being difficult? I think I would curl up and die if I had the same old routine everyday, well I sort of do now but not really. But I mean if I was just a "yes" man. If I always did what I was told/asked without questioning would I really be happier? Would I really be in a better place? If I didn't want to settle for what I have right now, if I want more money, love, friends, respect, happiness...and if I don't push myself to get more, am I giving up? Do you have to swim against the current to find who and what you are?

The older I get the more questions I seem to have. I remember in my 20's life seemed SO easy. So not complicated. The big question was where was I going to go out to that night. Things seemed so easy in my younger days. I never cared about doing a good job at work, or if I was tired the next day. I cared about my possessions and my $$ to go out and play. As I got older, I started to care about my heart, my soul, my reputation both personally and professionally. I care about my friends and my integrity....these are the things keeping me up at night.

Maybe there is some give in not always fighting the current, maybe once in awhile we need to let go an doggy paddle along until we get to the big "fish". Maybe we'd have more energy to fight the good fight if we weren't doing that allllll day long? Or maybe we just keep doing this until we can no longer see straight and we end up alone with 12 cats in our apartment?

Hmm, that's a tough choice.

Too connected?

Is it possible to be TOO CONNECTED? With all the social media at our fingertips, do we think that everything we think, feel and do is something to be shared?


I will be the first to admit...I am addicted to Facebook and my texting. If you take me to a place where I can't send or receive a text I will probably settle down eventually but until I have signal again and there is the POSSIBILITY that I can get a text, I am discombobulated. I accept this about myself but in this recent, thought provoking state I am in lately, I've begun to wonder if we are "too connected"?


Facebook status read things like "I had a cheeseburger for lunch" or "At the pool" or any of those little statements that don't really mean anything but we feel the need to share our every movement with the world kind of make me laugh. I understand the need to not feel like your alone and this type of interaction, this constant barrage of information that comes at us 24/7 makes us feel like we aren't alone.


Maybe that's what social networking is really about...not being alone. To try to make us feel more connected to a bigger piece of the pie than what we have. I had a conversation with a person just getting ready to leave home for the first time and she is moving away from her family and all her friends and we talked about how great Facebook (FB) is for helping a person feel connected to so many people with just the click of a button. How easy it is to get a update on a person's life, see photo's, check out their mood, see there world in just seconds. How for someone leaving their entire social network in another state can survive with FB and her cell phone.

I love that Pink song - Glitter in the Air. It's such a great song on so many levels but the particular line I can't get out of my head is when she says "have you ever hated your self for staring at the phone, your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone" I can't get that line out of my head. How many of us do that. How many of us wait for that acknowledgement to prove that we matter, that we are somebody, that our very existence on this earth means something...that it matters to someone else that we are here? Waiting on the ring to prove we aren't alone.....isn't that what Twitter, FB and all these sites are about. For people to have a tool that makes them feel connected 24/7?

There was some survey that said the first thing a woman does in the morning before anything else it to check FB. I laughed at that stat but realized I don't know that I would want to go an entire day without checking my own FB. I tried a test one time to NOT update my status and see how long before anyone noticed. I was like SOMEONE will notice...someone will comment. I also decided I wasn't going to be the first to text someone...I wanted to see how long before they contacted me...and you know what....almost 24 full hours passed without anyone commenting on my non-updated FB status and not one single text came in. It made me think...it made me really ponder why I feel the need to be so connected to people, things and status updates. Who does it really matter to? Clearly it's just me....I mean really, I participate in this social networking tool by choice...same with texting. It's become my main form of communication with some of my friends.

Does it mean I spend less physical time with people? No, it actually feels like it increases my connection. I feel like I can say things in words much easier than I can in person. Sometimes I just have to say something and get it out of my head and continue doing what I am doing and texting allows me to do that......can it become a way of life? Does it replace a personal connection? I suppose it can but what is the value in that?

So....it begs the question.....are we too connected? Is the need for knowledge and information taking over our relationships?

Done with change

I get that the only constant in life is change - that we can't grow and experience things if we don't change, but I am kind of done with change. I am done being the one that always has to accept that things change, that people change, that everything has to change. Isn't there something to be said for keeping the old? Don't we respect our elders because they have this base knowledge and history that we cherish and think is a really good thing? Why are we always expected to change?

Lately it feels as if I have to be the one to change. That I am the one expected to just accept that things change, that friends move on, get new relationships, have kids, get married, move away. I have to accept that the rules of employement change, people quit, get fired, move on....and yet I am always the one doing the adjusting, the accepting of the new way of things. They have happily moved on and I am expected to just swallow it down and accept it.

Recently a good friend falls in love with her latest soulmate, now this is a friend I've known for a bit and we've become pretty close. We have spent alot of time together and all of a sudden, I'm expected to just take the backseat on our freindship. I'm the one fighting to spend time with her. No longer do we get to play, to hang out, to go do random weekend adventures. No longer do we just go hang out over a drink or for a fun night out. I'm the one who has to make the change. I am the one who has to deal with the hole her departure from my life leaves. She's happy, distracted and has new things to fill her days and time and heart and I'm am left behind, barely a blip on the radar. It's not just with this situation...it's like this at work, it's like this with friends who have moved it's even like this with family.

Somehow my life has morphed into this weird discombobulation of me always expected to be the one to accept that things change. To embrace the "opportunities" that come when things change. Well you know what....I'm done. I'm tired, exhausted, worn out, deflated and overall D-O-N-E.

I'm tired of being the one to accept that my life has to change, that I can't have things the way they were because "everything changes". At some point I think a person should get to decide to not make that an acceptable part of life. Does this mean I become a hermit and only do the bare minimum to survive? Does it mean I no longer look for new ways to grow or to learn new things or invite new people into my life? Does it mean I have to be alone the rest of my days?

Possibly but I can't imagine I would be happy with that kind of a life. I just want things to be fair, equal...a 50/50 split.

I just had a conversation with an older resident in my building...he is in his mid-80's and is the most positive person I've ever met. Not over the top perky, sunshine radiating his butt kind of positive, just overall positive. Without even knowing what was on my mind he stopped in to say good morning (I am working) and he shared a story about how one minute you can make a decision that changes your life forever. He shared a story about how he made this decision walking out of church one morning and he wonders what his life would be like had he not made that decision. He doesn't regret, he just wonders. Isn't that a great statement. He doesn't regret, he just wonders.

So how long does one person decide to keep accepting they have to be the one to always accept change and when do you get to decide enough is enough?

It's all about timing

Some times the days, weeks and months fly by without me even noticing them. It seems I am always planning ahead, what's happening tomorrow, next week, next month. When this project is done, when summer is over.....it always seems like I am moving at the speed of light. Then sometimes things happen and you think wow, if I hadn't been at this event I wouldn't have seen that, or if I didn't move here I would have never met this person....timing. It's all about timing and what the Universe decides we need at that moment.

Last summer I finished school, something that had consumed a bulk of my life for a few years. I was either in class, going to class or doing homework for a few years. As it neared the end, I found myself struggling with not only figuring out who I was when I was no longer that school girl, but where I fit in my own life and elsewhere. The Universe heard me and provided me with a summer of fun, unexpected adventures that took me basically into the fall months. As the seasons changed, so did my adventures. Soon they waned like a fall moon and I was back into a life of routine, common place and non-adventure. It's not a bad place to live, it's just a little boring.

So there I was, life moving along, nothing to write home about yet nothing to get to excited about. The new year comes in without a ripple, without a blip...just like any other day I keep on doing the same things. So how do you change that? How does one create excitement or passion, or change in their own life?

This has been a busy year as I seek to find some new paths to walk down. I don't mind walking alone, I'm used it it, it's comfortable, it's at my own pace but I wouldn't mind having a friend to tag along.....so I keep looking for someone to hang with but seems I may have waited too long and I think at this point, I'm destined to wander my path solo.

The Universe sends me this message today: You are the right person, this is the right time, you've paid your dues, you're thinking the right thoughts, you're doing the right things, and this very moment, you are exactly where you're supposed to be... poised for the happiest time of your life.

So it appears I am doing what I am suppose to be doing, I am where I am suppose to be at and this is the happiest time of my life....who would have guessed that the droll, mundane things I am doing on a daily basis are what I am destined to be doing. I suppose things certainly could be worse.

Seems a little disappointing to me, sort of like a firework that is all bang and no real fizzle. OK Universe....I'll try to appreciate.

Skewed vision of ourselves

Sometimes I think I so clearly know who I am, what I want and where I am going and then I have a thought that sets me off down an entirely new path and I wonder....do we ever really know ourselves?

I realize there are multiple facets to who we really are. There is the version of me I am when I am at a party having fun, no cares, no worries, there is the "corporate" me (still a work in progress) and there is the plain, old, boring, regular me that often takes over my life and myself and begins to rule my waking thoughts. Not one is better or worse than the other but sometimes I wonder - do we really ever know ourselves at all?

I would say most days we have a very skewed version of ourselves. For instance today my head is filled with a lot of thoughts like.....is this job really what I see myself doing in 5 years? Do I really see myself staying here, pounding away at this job trying to get outside of this tiny box I've been place in (not even a metaphor for my cubicle however it is a box). Do I really see myself spending what could possibly be the best years of my life here, behind these walls doing this everyday until I die? Is this where I want to live? Are these the things I want to do with the rest of my days?

I don't see it...but the problem is I don't know what IT is. I just know at this point, at this place - this is NOT it.

I'm feeling worn by my own life. I told someone a few minutes ago as we were discussing how nice it was to have an extra day off, I felt like I had to come back to work to get into a routine because I was afraid I could easily become a recluse. I could lock myself away in my apartment, get 12 cats and begin to have my groceries delivered and never leave my house again. She laughed and said - have you met you? That would never happen. But I think it could.

I recently watched the documentary Grey Gardens - this film depicts the everyday lives of the two women, a reclusive socialite mother and her daughter who lived at their decrepit mansion in East Hampton New York, they were distant relatives of the Kennedy's and they lived in squalor. They become separated from society as we know it and they lived in their own crazy little bubble. I could easily see that happening to me if I let it. Sometimes it's nice to live in my own crazy world I've created for myself. It's easier to live in the memories of how things were because it's much better than reality...right?

In the here and now there are everyday battles to fight, small battles on a daily basis. Stupid battles really like which word works better in a sentence, or what picture to use with a story, being on time for meetings, putting gas in the car....small battles you have to deal with that if you locked yourself up in your own skewed bubble of a world, no one could dispute you. You could live the kind of life you wanted without any issues. Sleep all day, watch terrible TV, carry on conversations with your cats and you would always be right. You would always have control and you wouldn't have to worry about anything. It kind of sounds like a delightful way to live. Right?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about packing up my life and moving away. To just put into my car all that will fit and just drive away to another place, another life, another reality. I guess it's a good thought but I guess it's not really possible. It's a nice dream but the reality is you can't run away from your life. You have to learn ways to deal with and accept the life you have. It's exhausting some days but overall, it's worth it....right? Family, friends, lovers, haters......it's all part of who we are, who we have become and who we continue to stay.

I often have a skewed vision of my own life. I think from the outside it seems so much more exciting and amazing than it is...like a dress on a mannequin in a store front window. It looks so pretty and appears to be amazing and you are convinced it's THE dress to have. Then when you buy it, you find out it's so uncomfortable and itchy and overall it's just not the dress you thought it was or should be. You can take the dress back but when it's your life you're kind of stuck with it. How do you hem that? Alter that? Make it work?

Clearly cats aren't the answer.

Getting off the fence

Sometimes I feel like I am walking on top of a fence, balancing to not fall off, like a really long yoga pose. It's hard to get your body and soul in unity. To get everyone rowing in the same direction so to speak.

What do you do when your head and heart are in a fight? When one goes rogue like a way ward spy? Sometimes you can't get them to be on the same path and it's really frustrating. I find myself constantly having to process thoughts my heart refuses to accept.

I know you're suppose to live in the moment, to be happy with what you have and where you're at because it's how life is suppose to be...but is it really?

There was this great article in the Oprah magazine by one of my favorite writers, Martha Beck, who talked about a woman who met a guy (isn't there always a story about a girl meeting a boy?) and she thought he was pretty amazing. After a very short time together, he did little things like remembering her favorite song, he read her blog and they really connected, at least she was feeling like that. She thought he was perfect except she was a little worried that he seemed to talk about his ex a lot of the time and he hinted about sex pretty much 5 minutes after they met.

Her friends warned her that was a bad sign, don't let him fool you they warned. No one like that could possible be good news. The immediate thought is he is a player, only out for what's in in for him. But then a friend countered with the thought, what if that is true? What if all that is true but he is still sweet and thoughtful to you. What if it is both wonderful and terrible? Do we really have to commit to just one choice and we are done? Why can't we have both things? I f he's getting what he wants and you are getting what you want/need, why can't we just take it for what it is? Why can't we have both?

My thought exactly. If my heart and my head can't get on the same page why can't I just let them be and deal with them as I need to? Not denial, not ignoring them but taking the moments as they come and see where they go. Taking the current circumstances and just enjoying them for what they are right this minute.

Some days it makes me a little more miserable than I probably need to be but other days I feel braver and happier and needed, so why can't I learn to live with this weird ying/yang that's happening?

Confronted with such dualities usually forces us to choose between them. Do we just hunker down and figure out which option is the "right" one? Limiting ourselves to answer means we often stop seeing what's actually happening and then we start to make our decision based on a label instead. This isn't as easy as an either-or thought it's more of a both-and reality we have to deal with.

This is a strange loop we get into and we have to almost re-train our brains to see things differently. To step outside our comfort zone and really live life.

Hmmm, what's the harm in trying?

Habit or Routine?

Humans are creatures of habit and routine. I read some place that it takes a person 20 years to develop our adult personalities. During that time we are also developing behaviors and habits that will stay with us for our lifetime. Unfortunately, some of those behaviors and habits are not always healthy or helpful to us. Some may cause us long-term difficulties in our lives or in our relationships with others.

My body is used to a routine. I set my alarm for 5 am on weekdays. My body knows this and even on weekends it refuses to sleep in. Typically I am awake a little before the alarm goes off. Some days I am feeling tired so I hit my 9 minute snooze 2 or 3 times before I actually get up, sometimes I just get up. This is my routine. I get up, wash my face, brush my teeth, try to look presentable for my day and off I go.

I often have good intentions that I forget about.....like bringing my lunch, or making coffee at home and putting in my nice to go thermal cup. I leave myself notes that I can completely over look. I try to leave my house in a clean and presentable fashion should I not return home for some god forsaken reason I don't want someone to come into my house and think I am a slob. I don't leave dishes in my sink, I don't leave towels on the floor and I clean the sink out after fixing my face and hair....just in case someone has to come in when I am not home. These are my habits.

I started thinking about the difference between routine and habits on my drive in today. I woke up ungodly early today (3:30 am) and finally gave up trying to go back to sleep at about 4:30. I got up, made a cup of coffee and some breakfast (thank God for left overs!!). I sat down to eat and enjoy the quiet of the morning and realized this was completely out of the ordinary for me. It was so not something I do most or pretty much ANY days. I usually lay in bed until I have to drag my butt out, get dressed and leave. I try to leave before traffic gets all wonky because I live in road construction haven. I try to leave early to avoid other crazy drivers who are inevitable running late and since I become invisible on the road, I try to get out before them. It doesn't always work.

Last night I went to dinner with a friend at about 8:30 at night. I was so hungry that I inhaled my food so fast that I was pretty much miserable and kinda sick to my stomache almost immediately. So I sat and hoped my body would absorb this food quickly so I wouldn't be so miserable. I realized, that is a terribly bad habit I have...eating fast. I inhale my food so quickly that I am often full before I've really eaten much (like that really stops me) and then in a few hours I am hungry again...but I realized habits always seem like a negative thing vs. a routine which seems like a good, normal, steady thing. I wonder why that is?

Nail biting, not listening, picking your cuticles, tapping your foot to the point you can rock a immobile car....habits...all bad habits. I wondered...can habits really be considered good? Usually we try to break ourselves of our habits by changing our routines. I used to be a HUGE Diet Coke consumer. I had probably 3/4 cans a day. It was my routine (habit) and when I decided to make that change it took lots of concentrated effort to make that change. Now it doesn't even cross my thought process anymore. Try to take my coffee away however and we will be having a different conversation.

So how do we create routine? Sometimes routine can be bad too. If we do things just because we've always done them it takes away the magic of spontaneous moments or events. It's so complicated to be who we are suppose to be with all we have fighting against us, sometimes its us that make it harder. Routine makes me feel predictable....I am not sure I like that at all.

But changing a behavior or habit is not done simply or overnight. If something took 20 years to learn, it seems to me that it will take the equal amount, if not the same time to “unlearn” or to change that behavior or routine. It just seems more difficult than it is because it’s a process, not something you can just wake up one day and say, “Hey, today I’m going to do everything completely differently.”

If we only knew then what we know now would we make the same choices? Would we make different choices? Do we create habits based on the people we spend our time with? Do we create routines to make life easier for ourself or others? Routines seem easy, habits seem more challenging. I wonder if I had to list mine all out which column would have more?

The older I get the more it seems I am more comfortable and familiar with my habits and routines I’ve created in my life. And what is our life if not the sum of our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings, all of which we’ve learned and incorporated into ourselves over our lifetime? It’s who I am. It’s part of my charm. To change is to ask people to give up the familiar for the unfamiliar and for most people that scares the daylights out of them. Humans avoid fear, that’s why most people don’t like change and don’t do a very good job with change when confronted with it.

You can’t ask or expect someone to change all of their routines or habits, its part of who they are. The real key to changing routines isn’t to swap out existing routines for new ones you’ll never change, but rather to challenge ourselves every day with something a little different or new. Realistically, most people cannot change significant amounts in their life without serious effort and time.

Are we just to comfortable in our own madness?

Turning mediocrity into greatness

When you want to live outside your own bubble, it takes dedication and discipline to push yourself to that next level. Some of us are able to harness that and use it, others....not so much. When an average performer reached the end of their day they call it quits, they toss in the towel and stop, call it done. Those who want more, are usually just getting started. What separates them from us, er, well, me? What do they know that I just don't get?

Discipline. That's ultimately what it comes down to. Discipline is the watchword of great performers. It makes the difference between the good and the great. The great ones will tell you discipline is more of a decision than it is an active skill. It's the ability to stay the course and complete promises you've made. The fulfillment of these promises builds confidence and self-esteem, which eventually leads people to believe almost anything is possible. It's a habit and a self-fulfilling prophecy built into one. Discipline is a logic-based decision that performers adhere to, regardless of whether they feel like it or not.

How do you learn discipline? How does one acquire the skills to push past pain and punishment and disappointment to get to that next level? Is it really as simple as changing your mindset? Does one have to disregard things like feelings and emotions to propel themselves to the next level? Doesn't it really come down to the fact that you get out of life what you put into it? Ultimately isn't that what it's really about?

I've never been what one would define as a over achiever. Yes I can at times be 100% dedicated and committed to something but over achiever, go getter, disciplined....nah...not who I am. I want to be, I kind of crave that sort of power over myself but I just don't see it happening. I wish I had that much passion and purpose in my life. Maybe I do but I've just never harnessed it. I wonder what amazing great things I could accomplish if I just put my mind to it, if I became that person I admire...or at least displayed those traits in others I admire. It might be an interesting test. Can one just randomly push themselves to the next level?

Perfection is a myth

Can a person really have it all? Can we have the right job, the perfect mate, and the best kids, the most fantastically (is that a word?) perfect job while still waking up every day absolutely happy?

Of course we CAN’T have it all!
You tell me one person who has absolutely everything! Perfectionism is an illusion of the mind. I think we strive for it at such a rate that we end up driving ourselves into a frenzy which then causes us to seek therapy once we realize it’s virtually impossible to achieve.

What does it mean to have it all?
I look at people and think my life would be pretty darn amazing if I were in their shoes. People like Oprah are really not fair to compare ourselves to because not many people get to live life at that level. I am talking about people I see almost every day and I know small parts of their life and I have to wonder, do they really have it all? Do they really have the dream job, power, success, friends, family and love? From my point of view having these things give you a leg up on life and you get to be happy and content…but does anyone really have it all without wanting something else or something more?

I know people who seem to have it all from another person’s perspective. Many people have made the comment to me that I have the best life. No commitments, no kids, no partner – total freedom. There is something more satisfying that freedom however. There are times I am still disappointed with my own life choices.

Not one of my friends has it all. I'd like to think they do, and some days it seems like they do but the reality is...no one does. This is a fact I have to accept, it's hard for me to say that because I feel like if I am not striving towards or working to get to have it all, what's the point?

This is not to make you complacent or accepting of crap in your life– it’s just a fact. Everyone has something to deal with. Maybe it’s a loved one with a terrible illness, money issues, maybe an unhappy relationship/marriage, a terrible job - something. If you’re lucky enough to have the support of great friends and family, or a good therapist to help shoulder your pain, you’re even luckier.

I am not saying you cannot have a fulfilling life, with a career, kids, husband, and balance. There are no judgments regardless of the position you are in, and you may as well make the best of the hand you have been dealt. But our time on earth is quite short, and this is no dress rehearsal so we really need to come to terms with life as it is and find ways to move forward with zest and appeal.

In my opinion, I think having it all is just simply being happy. Being happy with who you are, what you are doing and who you are choosing to spend your life with. Truly content from within, regardless of how much money you have, of whether you work, stay at home, or opt out of motherhood altogether.

Perfection is an illusion and it’s OK that you don’t have it all, it does not make us flawed or a freak, it only makes us human.

Wings to fly

Sometimes you don't even realize you have wings that you can just use anytime to fly. Fly away, fly free - just fly. Sometime you have to shake the dust off of what IS to realize there is more out there, more to see, more to do, more to have. I have to admit, I totally forgot I have wings.

Life is one big puzzle. Feels like we are always looking for something we don't have, it's a long winding road we keep traveling down searching, trying, failing, learning, growing and suddenly we realize we no longer are doing things or living a life that is for us..it's a harsh realization.

It's easy to want more and to give up all kinds of stuff to get to the place we think we need to be. It's easy to be so focused on getting that life that we lose track of everything else around us. For so long I've been focused on what's next. After school, after IAAP, after this month, after work....always what's next...what's coming up that you forget to live and experience the here and now. Here and now....it's not such a bad place to be.

I recently heard a speaker who talked about being fully present in the moment. He had great examples of how he saw this happening. There is a great line he used - Am I OK right now? It encouraged you to look past the fear and uncertainty and focus on the here and now....Am I OK right now? Most of the time you can honestly say YES. If you are hurdling down a cliff at top speed you may answer that question a little differently, but overall you are probably OK right now.

I have spent so much of my time this last year trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole and I kind of feel exhausted by these efforts. I have come to accept the fact that I can't MAKE people want me to be a part of their life. I can't make people want to spend time with me, to do things for and with me just because it's what I want. I forget that just because it's the path I am on and moving forward, doesn't mean that is where they belong...even if I want them to be there with me. How much am I willing to give up for them is as important as how much they are willing to give up for me.....as much as I don't like it, that's the reality.

I have lost track of so much of who I am and what I want and where I want to be that I feel like only something big can shake off the dust and clear the clutter. I need a grand gesture or moment to happen. I have been a little obsessed lately with Flash Mobs....you've seen those videos where a group of people go into public and randomly dance and then as soon as the song is over they just move on like nothing ever happened. I need a flash mob moment in my own life. I need something to shake things up for just a few minutes and clear out the cobwebs so I can move forward again. I'm tired of waiting, of being the one making the effort, the contact, the connection, square pegs can't fit into a round hole no matter how hard you pound.

Isn't it funny how we suddenly realize we have had wings all along and just forget to use them?