Freaks, Geeks & Family

Ahh a day at the state fair with friends and family. What a way to spend time with your family and friends. It was hot and there were a billion freaky people that made me feel really normal so overall it was a really good time. I rode the sky cabs, those cars that take you above the state fair. It was actually pretty dang amazing because it was spectacular to see the fair from that level but also that no one was slamming into me like I was freaking invisible. How can people be so oblivious to any other person and constantly slam into others.

At the end of my time there after having been slammed into just one too many time by some self involved idiot who was shoving some type of fried food into their mouth I had my fill. This freaky farmer type shoving a corn dog into his mouth slammed right into the front of me spilling my Mikes Hard lemonade - I deserved it - I turned to him and said - Am I invisible or are you just stupid. Ugh. I forgot how much I despise stupid crowds. My one main goal at the fair was to ride the Old Mill ride with my niece and dang if we didn't do it!! We did however manage to play the games at the midway which were quite fun. I especially love the water games...basically because they take abosolutely NO skill....my kind of a game.

One thing about spending time at the fair is how good a girls self esteem seems to get after seeing such a wide range of people. I'm always amazed at what people wear and sort of what they don't wear. Some people have such great self esteem that they can wear some really revealing outfits. As my brother-in-law stated "there is an awful lot of cleveage out here today - not all good". Ha ha. I haven't been to the fair in awhile and it really doesn't change....some new foods yes but overall it's still a great show.

I went to the farmers market yesterday morning with a friend and got all the makings for homemade salsa. I forgot how much it actually makes, I have to find friends to share it with because there is way more than I would ever need. I am house and dog sitting for a friend and she has wireless internet...I can't wait until I get it at home...was hoping to do it this weekend but I never got the things I needed to make it happen....perhaps next weekend.

Off to take a walk around the lake now..before it gets too hot.

Nice long weekends

It's nice to have a weekend open in front of you with nothing planned. I literally have no major plans for this long weekend and it kinda makes me really happy.

For some reason I woke up yesterday with a odd feeling - I awoke about 5:30am (that's sleeping in for me) but I felt sort of off as soon as I opened my eyes. Haven't been able to shake the feeling like something just isn't right but I can't figure out what exactly it is that isn't right. Odd. Plus I've been having really weird dream lately that I just can't seem to figure out what the heck they mean.

I work pt time in my apt. office and there are these two fairly younger guys (mid 30's) that work here and I had this dream that they were bowling in the hallway and when I went out to ask them what they were doing they yelled at me to go back in my apt. It was so odd. What the heck does that even mean?

Then my horoscope today says this - Gone is the strong lunar influence that got you energized and raring to go; what remains are calming influences that will leave you feeling rather too relaxed. However, don’t become too laid back. Balance is required on a day which has great potential to either be productive or rather sluggish!
Umm, I think I went to the sluggish side. I ran errands all day then tried to figure out what I actually need to install my wireless cable and now I'm working at ET until 7 and really all I want to do is go home, lay on the couch and watch bad tv. Maybe tomorrow will bring more energy my way.

Everything old is new again

Remember the good old days? I say that with a bit of sarcasm this morning because my parents always used to say that and I always said I would never say that...along with...kids these days - but I find myself saying that...alot.

I decided to get some scrambled eggs this am and as I waited for them to cook the guy behind the grill did a funny little move with his cooking utensils that made me have a flashback to The Muppets and the Swedish Chef. I got the giggles and I asked the cook if he ever watched The Muppets (he's like 12!) and he said no but two other people I was in line with had and we had a long discussion about the show and how great it was. That gave me a fun start to my day and I started thinking about how good tv used to be - shows like The Muppets, I Dream of Jeannie, The Dick VanDyke show...I Love Lucy...man tv used to be good! Of course I don't have that much time for tv now and I do sort love the reality tv shows but....remember the good old days?

One of the guys I was standing in line with later sent me this link - what a great fun site - check it out for some laughs. http://www.neatorama.com/index.php?s=muppets

It's been nice that work has picked up again for me...for awhile I was getting worried, it was slow and I didn't feel like I was adding any value and I was afraid they would feel that too but thankfully my plate is full again. Let's hope it last. Looking forward to a long weekend and a visit to the State Fair. I love corn dogs! Haven't been to the fair in two years, should be a good time.
I don't know how much the fair has changed over the years but one of my favorite things used to be to take my neice when she was younger and we would hang out there all day. We always played lots of games and had a fun time...she of course has gotten older and its hard to get time with her...kids these days...what are you going to do? I also haven't been to the Ren Fest in years either...I'm going with some friends in Sept. I'm also looking forward to that one too.

I am off tomorrow and we all have Monday off but next week at work is going to be nuts. We have a conference at 7am on Tuesday which means I'll need to be into work by 6:15am. Glad I stopped drinking caffeine...I will sleep better!!

Oh My God

When did it happen? I want a date, a time even a place. I looked in the mirror yesterday and was a bit mortified...I think I saw a glimpse of my mother AND my grandmother in the reflection!! I totally skipped having my own reflection and went straight to that gene pool!

Wow...that sure comes up on a girl fast doesn't it? I remember as a kid I loved to comb and style my grandmother's beautiful silver/white hair. It was so thick and it had some stiffness to it (probably from not washing it everyday) that made it stay in place once I styled it. I would spend hours doing that and then putting makeup on her. I loved to do that but I always got a little creeped out by her saggy eyelids...I mean when I would swipe the baby blue eye shadow across her lids (yeah, baby blue was popular even then!) I'd have to pull her eyes tight to get the whole lid....well God help me...my lids are kinda doing that now. It's terrible. Plus I noticed that more and more of my eyebrows are actually white...not grey but WHITE. Aww God...when did this happen. If I am wearing the wrong bra and sit a certain way, I get the wrinkly old woman boob look too...I've noticed that a time or two as well.

Wow...right before my very eyes I've aged. Not that it's a really terrible thing I guess I am just not that prepared for it. I don't feel old, well I don't feel as old as I now apparently look. Jesh.
One nice thing that comes with age is a little bit of perspective. I don't worry about a broken heart, or children disappointing me or ruining my figure by eating a carton of Ben & Jerry's - i's too late for me. Overall I don't mind being the age I am. I feel I have more patience, I don't feel like I have to worry or explain myself to anyone either....it's a nice life. So there's some grey/white hair and some saggy old lady skin to deal with but overall, it's a good thing. I have good friends and martini's to keep me moderately sedated....life is good.

You know what else comes with age....the ability to rewrite history. Yes that's right...I can now recreate all those awkward moments in time to be more pleasant than they really were. I can change names to protect the innocent and I can fabricate things...I've earned it. Ahh, now I want to write a book. It's kind of a comforting thought really, those moments that mortified me in my early days can jsut get a creative overhaul and become what I want them to become. Denial just ain't a river in Egypt people!

Leap and the net will appear?

What kind of a net magically appears when you blindly jump out into space? Lately it seems that statement keeps coming up again and again. What is the Universe trying to tell me? Am I too deaf or self involved to understand the true meaning of that statement?

Yesterday I decided it was time to purchase some new clothes - of course I went to three different stores and the only thing I found that was moderately appealing was a cute pair of shoes I bought for only $6!!! They are strappy cute summer shoes - I had to have them! Nothing else appealed to me. I looked at the clothes I wanted to buy but they aren't really work clothes...more fun, weekend, casual clothes. I need dressy work clothes...although I don't know that I NEED them....lately it seems women at work are wearing capri's and not even nice ones, more casual weekend type clothes...it's disturbing. Anyway, I didn't find anything I felt I had to buy. Always happens when you actually have money to spend.

As I was shopping this lady decided we needed to be BFF's and she just started chatting with me about everything. She said TWICE during our conversation you just have to leap and the net will appear...at first I thought right on sister then when she said it again I started thinking...where is this magical net and just how big is it? I know it's about a taking a leap of faith but in my experience, leaping has kinda hurt! I don't know that I honestly care to leap again.

Maybe I'm being the glass is half empty but really my life is kinda working ok right now. I have a decent job, I enjoy my pt. time job enough that it doesn't interfere with my life and school is cruising along pretty darn good. I'd like more fun in my life but I think in time that will come. So I guess maybe that net only appears when you need it. Isn't that an interesting thought.

It's official...I'm old

Man....what a great weekend I had but my God I'm exhausted today! Wow...it sure takes a lot out of a girl this working and staying up late and two shows daily! Wow.

Check out my sassy outfit though....wow...was it short though. Yikes....what this picture doesn't really show is HOW short it was. It was a treat for the folks let me tell you! We had fun though. My one big line was as the two cowboys were fighting over me..."Boys - stop...there's enough of me to go around!" Yes it's true, it got some laughs. I think I sufficiently scared small children away from being a saloon girl.

I'm not a big advocate of guns but I have a whole new respect for them and for the people who admire them. There is something quite surreal about hearing a machine gun rattle off a round at 9:15 in the morning followed quickly by a cannon firing. It really gives you an idea of how powerful those devices really are. The cannon fire literally made the ground shake. It was cool from a distance, I can't imagine what it sounded like up close. Many different types of people attend Shooters Round up (aka the gun show) and it never ceases to surprise me when some dude shows up with a princess of a girlfriend in tow. This one princess was in white pants, designer purse, nice shoes - heels, and her hair was all perfectly done up blackberry in hand probably texting to one of her BFF's something like "OMG - I can't believe I have to spend some time here, this place is disgusting. Wish I were shopping".

2 hours later when she emerged from the dusty wilderness trail she looked a hot mess. She was dusty and grimy and she had a look on her face that seemed to say if I could shoot lasers from my eyes, you would all be dead! Her man on the other hand, was delirious giddy as he double checked his sheet to be sure he hit EVERY book on the mile and a half trail. Ahhh, living in that world must be so satisfying.

Had fun hanging with Rachael and her family and as usual I learned how much I really love the modern conveniences of my own life. We stayed up too late and worked all day and put on two shows, it takes a lot out of a person. I finished up my homework and did laundry (all my clothes from the weekend smelled like a campfire) and went to bed at 9pm last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out last night..until 5am this morning. Ahhhh, that is the first time in I don't know how long I got 8 hrs of sleep but man, I could soooooo go back to bed right now.

It was fun to have a few friends show up to see the Melodrama and then to experience the fun that is the gun show. I think Rachael said her family has 200 acres...its an amazingly huge piece of land and so much to see besides the people watching! Saturday night she took me around the property on a four wheeler...man I really want a four wheeler of my own!!!

Tomorrow is my last class in HR Management...can you believe that I only have 6 classes left and I'm done! Amazing.

Thinking ahead

I am excited for my weekend! It's Shooters Round Up at Ahlmans Gun Shop in Morristown (right outside of Fairbault Mn.) and I am in the melodrama again this year. This year I actually invested in a costume...and I have more lines than ever before. Two shows daily 11:30 & 2:30!! Bring your friends! You can shoot some guns, see a bull whip show and see me in my trashy costume!! Man, two years ago I would never have imagined I'd wear a costume like this but I gotta say, I look OK in it. Not sure about the hat thingy but I am going to make it work.

I pick up my 5 year old nephew for a few days of fun too...we are having a pool party at my house tomorrow and a picnic. It's fun to have kids around to do these things with. Makes me happy to feel young again!


I'll be off line probably until Monday so if you want to see me you'll have to come to the gun show or wait for an update on Monday.

Ahh to be so young...

I'm not over the hill but I've got some years under my belt. I wouldn't say I'm ready to sit in a rocking chair and call it quits but I did have an odd realization last night - I realized that I don't really have any long term plans for myself or even for my life. I mean I'll plan out a weekend, a vacation, a trip to the State Fair and maybe even the holidays (only 127 days until Christmas!!) but planning out my life....I am pretty sure that time has passed me by.


I was talking to a younger friend (in her 20's) last night and she was talking about getting married, having kids, buying a house maybe even moving out of state and it hit me hard on the head....man...I won't ever be planning any of that stuff. It kind of made my head spin a little. Wow...what a shocking realization to have at 9:30pm on a Tuesday night. I am not saddened by it or upset...I don't know that I have any real emotion tied to it other than surprise. It's odd when you actually really realize you have come to a point in your life where you are just sort of....exisiting. Wow...that's a lot to take in.

I'm not sure I can even say I want any of that, I used to wants peices of that kind of a life but now I am pretty set in my own life. The thought of having that kind of a life doesn't really appeal to me but the realization that I won't have that is what really sort of got to me. It's funny I look at my neices and nephews and think man they have their whole life ahead of them, I don't want them to limit themselves or to edit themselves...I want them to experience life and to LIVE!

Wow - I guess I am old. In my class last night we were talking about benefits and healthcare costs. A comment was made about the cost of family health care vs. a single persons coverage. I thought Jesus....how do people with a family even afford anything?? It took me back to a conversation I had with my mother a few years back - I made mention that I really wanted new pots & pans for Christmas and her comment to me was why don't I just go buy a set - it's not like I don't have the money too after all I don't have a family to support. She usually bought me some huge hideous peice of tacky jewelery while my sisters got appliances and nice household stuff. I had to remind her that when a person is married there are TWO incomes paying for gas, insurance, bills and with me it's JUST me. Sure they usually have a family added or sometimes a house but those are choices they make BASED on two incomes. She didn't get it...honestly I don't know that she still does get it. My teacher made some comment in class about single people not having anyone to take care of them when they get old...I agreed with him...thank God I got a crap load of neices and nephews! Hopefully one of them will step up to the plate when it's time!!

Getting old doesn't suck as much as the realization that your life is sort of half over does. I mean I know I still have plenty of good years left and plenty of fun to be had but man...my plans are really limited now....kinda shocking thoughts for the middle of the week.

Letting go

Along the lines of yesterdays blog on changes, I continued to process that thought as the day went on. Getting my nails done is sort of relaxing for me, it didn't used to be but the people who do my nails now don't really like to talk to you, mostly because they don't really speak english, unlike my last place, it was like a social hour! So when I get my nails done I just sort of zone out while they work at making me pretty.

I started thinking about how hard it is to let things go. Things people say, things they do or even the way they look at you when you are talking to them. "It's hard to let go" really can be considered a false statement if you really think about it. I mean, it's not hard to let go, it's our stubborn nature or mindset that allows us to hang on to things. I am begining to beleive that It's actually harder to hang on. Think of it like a cat hanging from a tree, the longer it holds on, the heavier it's body gets. Pretty soon it's little paws are shaking as it clutches the tree for safety. The strength is in the letting go.

Letting go...such a simple statement yet so very hard to do. I realize I have things still in my head from my childhood I haven't been able to "let go" of. Is letting go is it along the same lines as forgiving someone? I could be in trouble...I'm a taurus and you know we are as stubborn as the day is long.

I like to think of my new free time as my "discovery time". It's time for me to think, grow, feel, create, figure my life out.....discovery. Has a nice feel to is. Problem is I feel like a fish out of water, desperately trying to find my way back to the pond. There are a lot of emotions that arise during this "discovery time" and I am finding it really easy to slip back into old habits. They may not be bad habits but they are old, trusted and true. In order to reinvent ourselves we have to go down the path less traveled and see what's there, but I have to admit, if feels as if it's a scary dark lonely place.

Well I guess it's time to strap on some hip boots and start walking.

"You have got to discover you, what you do, and trust it."

Change

Usually I don't start thinking about changes until it's winter and New Years is close on the horizon but I had this weird moment yesterday where it really hit me. Changes happen everyday....it's little things that set it off, trying to stop drinking caffeine, not eating carbs, the price of gas...everyday they happen and there is nothing I can do to stop them. It's funny how one lives their life and then all of a sudden one day you say....hey remember when? Where do these moments go and how do they slip off our radar so easily? I remember everytime I'd see my neices and nephews they'd run and jump into my arms and hug me. Now I barely get a "Hey Auntie Dawn" out of them - they've grown up, they've become their own little versions of who we were guiding them to be and frankly I don't approve. Or you bump into someone you used to work with and you talk about the things you used to do and you wonder....why don't I do any of that stuff anymore? Changes...they come upon us and you don't even see it coming.

I used to be more obnoxious than I am now - maybe not obnoxious maybe more socially outloud - you know what I mean? I mean I was living my life outloud for all to see and hear and I worked hard to tame that...it's not completely gone because that's kind of who I really am but I've tamed it. I've learned to be a little more patient, to listen more (although I admit I still need work on this one) and to just "be"....although I know I still need lots of work on that one. So I have edited myself, changed....and yet I still feel the desire to go back to my old ways. It's like that style or life has such a magnetic pull to it that I want to be like that and I don't understand when others don't want to be like that too.

I know this person who says they want to get out more, to do things but everytime you ask them to do something they always have a reason not to. At first I thought they were just busy, then I started wondering is it me they are trying to avoid and now I see that they just aren't ready to change. They do not want to change their life rhythm. I can accept that....sort of. I get that it's easy to continue to do what we've always done but don't we then just get what we always got? Ahh changes....it's hard for everyone.

I can't beleive I have less than one year of school left. It's crazy. I spend a fair amt of my time writing papers and/or meeting with my group to get projects done....what will I do when that time is done. I think I've finally adjusted into a new rhythm since all my IAAP stuff stopped. It was a hard few months when I all of a sudden realized I had all this free time and nothing to do with it. I've managed to keep some of that time for myself and am trying to fill the rest with constructive things...not just time fillers.

I can't beleive we are in the middle of August already and it's RenFest and State Fair time. Yikes. Time is flying by. Pretty soon the leaves will be changing, the air temp will cool down and we will be making holiday plans and thinking about New Year Resolutions....ahh, more changes.

Love hurts...literally

There is this man in my building I have nicknamed Smoker Joe. He is an older man, like late 70's and he chain smokes...lately he's seemed particularly sad, or maybe lonely but he hasn't seemed his spunky self. He's sort of what I would label a "dirty old man" but not in a really gross way, is that even possible? Anyway, he was telling me that his wife died in November and who ever told him it got easier lied to him. Lately he's seemed so much sadder than usual and today I saw him and I said How are you doing today and he said....horrible. I responded..awww, come on it's a beautiful day and your up and about..how bad could it be...he said to me...with tears in his eyes, it's terrible to live without Carolyn. I could feel the pain pouring out of his soul. Who would have thought love could hurt so much or for so long.

Lately I've been feeling like I've been missing out on something just being a me but then today, when I talked to Smoker Joe I thought man, maybe the universe knows there is no way I could deal with loving someone so much and then lose them so it's better to not send that my way. Maybe the universe is so much smarter than we really give it credit for? It's not that I don't have love in my life, I have plenty but I'm talking that all consuming, giving your heart and soul to another person only to lose them kind of love. I don't personally know that I would survive that. So...thank you universe for being so much wiser than I give you credit for.

Another beautiful day and I'm working ... but in the long run it's really good because at the end of this month I will have my biggest rent reduction yet. I'm very excited....I can so look at the big picture this way.

Oh and I had drinks with my friend (WWJD) on Friday and I can't wait until Tuesday to see if her exciting life changing news will happen. It's nice when people you love (there is that word again!) and respect have good things coming their way...yeah!!!!!

Bring on the new week...I'm ready.

Oops, I forgot to have children!

Remember that bumper sticker or t-shirt..it was a picture of this woman crying and that's what the caption read...well all of a sudden yesterday I had this weird kind of moment where I thought OH MY GOD.....ever have one of those days? I had a long conversation with someone and some of the things he said made my brain start thinking along a path it hasn't gone down in a long time. I kinda hate that.

I've been totally digging Jay Brannan's new CD (thanks again Troy!) and there is this one song that has the line...I want to be a housewife...and I thought...that's it...that's what my life is missing...a housewife!! - well in my case a house husband but the concept is the same. Dang it. Why don't I have that kind of a life. I want to come home to a clean, orderly house and is it so wrong to want a little supper on the table once in a while? Doesn't have to be EVERY night but come on! I'm frankly tired of being a solo. Do I want to get married and pop out babies...ummm no...do I want someone there when I come home....yes...but I'll still do my own laundry....for some reason I can't stand the thought of someone else washing my clothes...weird I know. I have said it before, I do not like living alone....I do not like it in a box, I do not like it with a fox.

I get a message from the Universe everyday - not in a hippie freaky the universe is talking to me kind of a message, come on, I'm not crazy but from this website TUT.com....totally unique thoughts....anyway, today's message just sort of brought the whole I want a housewife theme home for me. Today's message is:

"Sometimes, expecting a straight answer from particular folks is absolutely out of the question. And that alone should answer your question."

I've said this before about myself, I am a question queen. It used to really piss off my parents and I'm sure several of my friends, but I have questions, I have things I want to know and the only way to find them out is to ask. We grow up being taught to question things...isn't that how we invented cures for diseases...someone questioned it? I never considered the straight answer part of the equation....I guess I expect that and that's where I go wrong isn't it. No one owes me a straight answer and frankly who is to decide what is a straight answer...everyone's reality is different isn't it.

Hmmm...isn't that interesting. Is there a ying for my yang out there or is that a question I'll never have a straight answer to?

My sleep issues have subsided a bit. Since I gave up the caffeine (a little over a week ago) I seem to be able to actually sleep all the way through the night. I wake up about 5:45 am(give or take a few minutes either way) but my alarm goes off at 6am anyway so it's no big deal. Not like when I was waking up at 4am and not being able to go back to sleep! Now that I am sleeping better I am finding myself having weirder and weirder dreams. Mostly I can't remember them once I'm up and on with my day but last night was a dozy! I work part-time in my rental office of my apt. complex and twice now I've been up on the roof of the building...it's on the 17th floor and it's a pretty spectacular view from up there. Last night I dreamed I was up there checking on things and someone was up there...I couldn't see them but I could feel them. I was getting ready to leave the roof and the door was shut and locked - now that can't happen because it doesn't lock from that side of the roof, but for some reason it was locked. I was scared out of my mind because #1 it was dark and #2 someone was up there.

At first I thought it was one of the office staff playing a joke on me so I yelled out for them. When they didn't come out laughing I started to panic. I thought there is no way off this roof and no one knows I'm up here. I thought I was going to die....then all of sudden this group of kid's came bursting through the door (which also couldn't happen because it's a secured area) and I ran screaming towards the door. Very bizarre. Don't know what it means except that I'm a big old chicken. Regardless of my weird dream - that rooftop view is pretty spectacular!!! Maybe that's all it mean...I like a good view.

What if your not the person you think you are?

I don't even want to say this out loud, but I like being in school. Tuesday nights (now that math is done) make me kinda happy. I really like it when I have a teacher that challenges me, doesn't just let me say things - makes me qualify them. If forces me to get past the "just because" that is my comfortable response I am used to living in. It's an HR management class and he is a lawyer as well as an HR manager for the U of M so he is a smart, intelligent and articulate man who seems like he really wants to be teaching and he really cares what we think or have to say. He'll often say things like "that's a good point" or "explain to me your thinking on that". He gently forces you to qualify your words and I'm kinda digging that.

Last night we had to give our presentations on our legal issues in the workplace and it proved to be a rather interesting class. People were on both sides of many of the issues...one issue was about ADA (Americans with Disabilities) there were arguments that things go to far or not far enough, there was a discussion on gay, lesbian & transgender rights in the workplace, legal interviewing questions and unfair hiring practices. It was a good night...normally presentations are sort of like listening to Charlie Brown's teacher talk, but I have to say...I think overall my whole class has grown and actually put effort into their presentations....it was a good night.

One comment my teacher made to me that I have to admit gave me great joy was after a conversation regarding the use of Utube and future politicians. His comment was that politicians of the future are going to have a hard time keeping their lives private because even if they haven't done anything of concern, they may be IN a video that was posted on Utube just hanging in the background and therefore linked to whatever was happening in the video- we all kind of laughed but in a way it's a sad truth. Then I say...."did anyone see the news article and video of the dude in Ohio that worked at Burger King and took a bubble bath in the kitchen sink AT the restraunt while the manager and a few co-workers stood there laughing..then the fool posted it on Utube. Seriously....what is wrong with people.....I am appalled at the stupidness that exists in the world." My teacher said to me.....and I quote "Have you ever thought of being a talk show host? You would be great, I'd watch your show." Aww, that is probably the coolest thing anyone has said to me. It gave me great joy that he would even say that much less say that he would watch. Oh now I want my own talk show....come to think of it...I would be good at that...no I'd be GREAT!

I am so digging this book I'm reading - This is Not the Life I Ordered - I'm a little sad I'm on the last chapter....it's a very uplifiting read. Makes me feel hopeful about myself and my life. It's very inspirational as well - granted most of the stories are of women who have lived through terrible tradegies like the loss of a child or spouse or limb or something but the stories and the messages they share are relateable (is that even a word??) to one's own life. In the chapter entitled I Needed to Find "Me" (which is what a person's life journey is really about...at least mine is) it opens with this quote...that I will close with...think about it:

"Of any stopping place in life, it is good to ask whether it will be a good place from which to go on as well as a good place to remain".

Does a wish have power?

I wish I may I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight. All these songs and statements about wishing make me wonder....does a wish have power? When it's our birthday we get a cake (or chocolate covered strawberries!!) and we blow out the candles and make a wish.....with a puff of air it's gone...the smoke filtering our wish up up and away....what happens to it?

I wish for a lot of things....I want good hair, to be thin, to be pretty, to be rich, to have someone adore me and that seems to be a lot of just words. Without action can a wish happen? It's confusing if you really wish for something...like my nephew just got diagnosed with viral meningitis. I wish he didn't have it...that he was feeling better already - but a wish doesn't really do anything for him.

Perhaps a wish is just what we placate ourselves with until something really happens?

I wish it were easier.

Monday already?

Man the weekends go fast don't they? Seems like I was just gearing up for the weekend and now...it's Monday. Had a fabulous weekend!! Yesterday I awoke super early, 6:30am. I laid in bed for awhile looking out at the lake and listening to nothing..the quietness was overwhelming. I finally got up closer to 7am and went outside...it was just breath taking. I hope my pictures turned out. There was this mist/fog covering the lake and I could literally watch it disappear before my eyes. I sat out there for a long time listening to the loons calling out to each other, the birds chirping and enjoyed the gentle breeze as it made the trees sing softly to me. Ahhh. Life just doesn't get better than this moment.

I sat on the thinking spot and thought the fog/mist is pretty amazing, it completely blocks from view anything behind it and then suddenly, it begins to move, to dissipate with a eerie calm. Slowly the fog is lifted and I can see clearly the trees on the other side and the rocks jutting out from the lake (which seems really low) and I felt like I could breathe...not just regular breathe but a deep, soul cleansing breath. Ahh....this moment is really nice. I enjoyed sitting there, thinking and doing nothing and then I realized...oh my God...I'm actually doing nothing! I mean I was just sitting there staring out and not really thinking....I was really peaceful and calm. Nothing seemed to matter or to worry me and I thought this is pretty nice. There were no distractions such as people or boats or kids or anything...just me and this peaceful place. Maybe that's the key, I need to find a quiet spot to be able to do nothing. How does one find that in their own everyday life? I've tried...I've tried several times but I feel anxious or like I have to be doing something...how do you find a place to calm your insides? I liked it. I liked it a whole bunch. I guess that is one more thing to add to my to do list...find a quiet place.

I think I have managed to kick my caffeine addiction....it's day 5.....my headaches have been less and less but seem to come on about 11ish each day....hopefully they will stop soon. Today is day one of drinking 50% of my weight in ounces of water every day....so lets say I weigh 200lbs...I have to drink 100oz of water. Oh God...I see myself attached to the bathroom. Add to this I'm taking all synthetic fats (like butter & oils), fried foods, NutraSweet, aspartame & Splenda as well as refined sugars and white flour out of my diet. Going to try this for two weeks to cleanse my body from the inside out to try to jump start my metabolism and see if we can figure out why I get sick every time I eat. Then I'll slowly start reintroducing foods back in my diet like whole grains and simple starches. It's a process....I'm all about processes.

Crafting, Laughing and the Olympics

Spending time up here is very rejuvenating. I feel like I can breath...there is pretty much no one around us at all and it's quiet and peaceful and very zen like. The trees blowing in the breeze, especially the birch trees is a very tranquil sound. There is this little spot once can go and sit out that juts out over the water and it seems to be a very nice thinking spot. No one is on this little nook of the lake we are on and it's amazingly peaceful. I haven't slept this good in I don't know how long. I really needed this weekend.

We took a break last night to watch the opening ceromines of the Olympics....not sure I loved it as much as I've loved other ceremonies..like the winter ones..but it was cool to see. I was a little annoyed by them making such a polticial issue out of every single thing but I guess that's what's going on in the world so it must be fodder for conversation. Watched that and then went back to crafting. Crashed about midnight. It was a very productive day. Got about 50 cards made yesterday. Today I've started my Christmas cards. Woo hoo. I'm going to be so ready for the holidays!!!

Spent a lot of time just laughing...I miss my friend Rachael.....but I'm glad we get to spend this kind of time together. It's really fun. Robin and Kim are awesome as well...it's fun that 4 girls can get along sooo well. We are all having fun. We are going out to celebrate Kim's birthday tonight....going to The Chocolate Moose. We went there for breakfast yesterday and I had an amazing greek omelet. Spinach, pine nuts, artichokes, feta cheese and greek olives. It was enormous. Had some for breakfast today and will finish it tomorrow. Awesome food. Looking forward to dinner there. Kim is going to be our designated driver too. Ha...perfect. Oh they sell Shirks pizza's up here...can't wait to bring some home!!!!!

Weekend fun

Who doesn't love a weekend? Especially nice long stress free weekend? Me...pick me. A few freinds and I left the cities for the wilderness - well sort of. We are in Isabella about 20 miles outside of Ely Minnesota right on the edge of the Boundary waters...it's pretty spectacular up here. Right out back of the cabin is a sort of portage to a bigger part of the Stoney River. It's just beautiful. It's very quiet and better yet they have high speed internet and a dish...so we have the opening ceremony of the Olympics playing as we stamp and scrapbook the day away.

We got in last last night, about 12:30 - a little delay in us getting here but we had fun along the way and once we got inside I went directly to bed. Although it's kind of comical that we were all suppose to bring our own sheets for the beds none of us actually brought the right size. I have a queen size bed at home and I got a queen size bed here and some how I brought a full sheet? Where do you suppose that came from? Robin is in a twin but brought a king and Kim is in a double and brought a full. HA HA HA....we are goof balls.

One thing I realized is it doesn't matter how much time has passed when friends haven't seen each other...if you are good friends then you can just reconnect immediately and it's great. It's been nothing but silly fun since we all got up. Love spending time with people like this! On a production note I've gotten about 30 cards made today! Tomorrow I start my Christmas cards...thats right CHRISTMAS!

Peace out

Stuck

Someone should not let me have TWO cocktails on a school night with top shelf liquor...yikes.

I was really dragging this morning but on a brighter note, I think I slept really well...once I crawled into bed at about midnight. I did however wake at 5:45am all bright eyed and....well maybe not bright eyed at all. Probably picked a poor week to stop the caffeine. A nice cold glass of water just isn't cutting it.

I celebrated my friends birthday last night with dinner, a fun show (Hedwig and the Angry Inch) and then ended the night with 3 people I realize I've know for a good 20 years. It's shocking when you realize how long you've actually know someone...I mean really known them. It's funny at one point Troy mentioned that he had lived individually with each one of us at the table at one point or another in his life....well except Shelle...she may be next on the list. :) It was sort of amazing to me that I've known anyone outside of my family for that long of a time. I thought we've seen each other at our best and our worst and yet here we sat, a Wednesday night on Lake and Lyndale sharing a moment in time. Kinda powerful to think about in the whole scope of things. I know married people who are together shorter periods of time than my friendship with these people has lasted. It was a nice way to drift off into la la land last night.

Once I finally dragged my butt out of bed this am it took me a really long time to get motivated to get dressed and come to work. Since I'm heading out of town today right at 4 I had to be 100% ready last night. I got to work about 7am and sadly walked past the cafeteria (no coffee for me) and waited for the elevator. It seemed to take a really long time for it to arrive this am...maybe that was a message from the Universe? I don't know if all elevators do this but ours makes this creepy creaking sound every once in awhile. It seems to do it when you are all alone in there too which adds to the creepy factor. Once I was traveling up up and away the elevator just stopped....stuck between floors. I of course was the only one in there and I stood in the dead quiet stillness of the elevator and thought about life, the play that I had just seen my career (job) and everything in general. It's amazing how fast thoughts can flood through your brain in a matter of minutes. Then the fog sort of lifted. I thought - isn't this interesting....I'm stuck here and yet I know in 5 minutes things will be moving again, things will be fine, I wasn't worried, I didn't feel panic or nervous or even unsure of things...I just trusted and knew that things would be fine again soon.

Why can't we apply that stuck elevator thought/feeling to everyday? I don't think I was stuck more than a minute but it really helped me put my random thoughts in perspective. I have to trust that things are going to be OK. That my job is going to be fine, that my life is good and that I have all I need...if not right now....in 5 minutes.

Multitasking

I've always prided myself on the fact that I am a pretty good multitasker. Most of the last 10 years of my life I've felt most productive and functional when I multitask. I've never been able to understand those people that don't or can't do that....until now. In reading the book "This Is Not The Life I Ordered" I've come to the chapter called "Discard the List".

It basically states that multitasking is a trait most people admire but in reality it's killing us....literally. I like the idea of making a list...of having tangible thing to tell me what to do next. This book is suggesting we rid our lists of the things that don't matter or add value. We should restructure our lives and take more time to do things that bring us joy and to carve out time for events that create meaning. Wow...that's pretty serious. Isn't that what our intentions are when we start making these lists in the first place? I mean for me personally, I make a list so I can check off things as they get done and I feel that is my way of marking off my value added list.

They are suggesting to look at your list and cross off just two items that don't really have to be done....well if they don't really have to be done would I have added them to my list? I'm confused. Hmmm, this is going to require some more in depth thinking from me.

Thinking is not something I do well. I do spur of the moment thinking pretty well but the long term lets make a plan and stick to it kind of thinking is not something I tend to be good at. I would need to make a list....doesn't that defeat the purpose of what I'm trying to change about myself. Oh dear, this is going to take some thinking time from me to figure out.

Happy birthday Troy! Aren't birthdays great! I mean in the whole scheme of things having another birthday means the chance to start a new year. So many possibilities lay right out in front of you. The path is yours to choose....eat cake and celebrate!

Embracing the ugly

Sometimes we take a turn for the worse....we get angry, we sound off, we do something that is out of character for us...I call it an ugly moment. Now I bet your all expecting me to tell you about my latest ugly moment but actually it wasn't me at all ....it's what I've noticed about those who are having an ugly moment.

Embrace those moments people...let them happen...it's really a necessary part of life. You know that old adage only talk to people like you want to be talked to....screw it...I say every once so often let the ugly out.

Yesterday was a day I witnessed a few moments of ugly in others. I doubt they had it planned but I was an unexpected witness to their moments. At lunch I was waiting for an elevator when this woman went off like crazy to the person on the other end of the phone. Now I was only hearing her side of the conversation obviously but I still stared at her with my mouth wide open I'm sure. Something seriously set this woman off and she was screeching something about a red shoe, a dinner plate and car keys. I could not make sense of the conversation and I very well couldn't stand there and stare at her any longer for fear she would turn on me. I hope they hugged it out.

As I drove home there was the usual idiot on the road thinking they have every right to squeeze in at the very last second when for the last 20 miles the signs said "merge - lane ends" but what the heck...they have every right to just cut me off and make me slam on my breaks. Then there is the insecure co-worker that has to always put you down to make himself feel better. Ahh, a good day all around. I therefore dubbed it Martini Monday. Nice right.

I went to dinner with a friend and we did enjoy a martini - on the way back home about 10:00pm I was verbally assualted in my apt. lobby by an upset resident over a situation that had happened over the weekend. Ahh, what a nice way to end an ugly kind of a day. We didn't hug it out.

I think in the end we all need to embrace our ugly moments and get them out of the way. The true test of a person's character is how they react in unpleasant situations, I think, because of my age and the fact that I had a martini, I handled the ugly moment very well. It's always the aftermath I am leary about.

Can we have it all?

Yesterday I woke up like any other day and as I laid there contemplating the day I thought about my life...I mean who doesn't. I thought you know I have a pretty darn good life...I have my health, great friends, a decent place to lay my head and yet there is something missing...something I can't quite figure out....I thought previously it was my purpose...my meaning but I think still it's bigger than that. Since I couldn't lay there anymore with those thoughts spinning around in my head I got up and thought I'll do something productive before I have to open the building at 7:30am. It was about 10 after 6am - ugh...I'd love to be able to sleep in again. Anyway, I popped in the new CD my friend Troy made me (Jay Brannan - goddamned - that's the cd's name...not a comment from me) and listened to the mellow soothing tunes that filled my apartment. He's amazing (Jay not Troy although I guess I could include Troy in there as well)....you should so check him out....anyway I started thinking about how words are so powerful and how simple a fact that really is. You can change the world with words. I wish I had that gift but I'm a babbler so in one way I guess that works. Anyway this thought about words and their power was dancing about in my head when I went to work.

I work part-time in my apt. rental office a few times a month and have really enjoyed the $$ off my rent as well as some of the residents I've gotten to know better. Jim is 86, a war vet, a former lawyer and recently loss his partner (a woman) of over 30 years. He is very active and knowledgeable and loves to come sit and chat with me and share stories. He's twice divorced and after having spent the last 30 years of his life with the love of his life(or his soul mate as he refers to her) he finds himself like some of us with some extra time on his hands. I get that he's lonely and that he may not quite know how to live life without that other presence around him anymore but he sure has lived. He saw the world via the war and is very politically active today. He was telling me about the time they were told to clean up their barracks and they had a visit from Eleanor Roosevelt. You could see from the expression on his face how impressed he was about that visit even still today. That impression 40 some odd years ago was still fresh in his mind. He of course followed up with the fact that she wasn't what you would call a pretty woman but he was clearly impressed she had come to see them.

He then told a story about being on the front lines and how he told the preist that was with him he hoped he could pull the trigger when the time came and the preist said to him....it's out of your hands now and Jim replied...no it's not...I still have to be the one to pull the trigger. Such wise insights even now isn't it. We think our lives or our destiny is out of our control but really...as long as we are still breathing and thinking...isn't it reaally up to us to pull the trigger?

Lately I've really been into music...not the blaring dance club kind of music, although I do enjoy shaking my bootie, but the stuff with a gentle tone and messages behind the words.....it makes me think alot of people out in the world are searching for the elusive missing link...at least that's what the music is telling me.....it seems alot of the music I'm into lately is about questioning one's own life...these lyrics from Jay Brannan really summed it up for me....
"do you want a lover, or do you want a life? one hand or the other, the butter or the bread knife? do you choose winter, spring, summer or fall? it's driving me crazy that i can't have it all."

Why can't we have it all? Why do we have to choose...I want it all.

Moderately Sedated

You know that feeling you get after you've had a drink or two...that sort of peaceful, easy feeling that a good drink provides? Your shoulders relax, all the drama of real life seems really manageable and most importantly you seem to get a little bolder....that's the feeling I'd like to have allllll the time. I love that feeling - that moment that your brain sort of shuts down and stops putting up all the walls up f you shouldn't and you can't's. That blissful moment just before you hit stupid drunk. Ahh....wish someone could invent THAT....I'd sure as heck buy stock in it!



I realize the older I get the more invisible I seem to become. I used to think I was present, noticeable.....a vivid living representation of my inner voice but suddenly I seem to be slipping into oblivion....when I'm walking in public I seem to be completely and totall invisible....even in my (as Troy said) almost neon mustard yellow shirt. Why is that? Does a person reach a certain age and people suddenlythey stop seeing other people as real? I was walking through Eden Prairie mall yesterday in my almost neon mustard yellow shirt and was clutching my favorite pink satchel and I must have gotten walked into like 5 times. I kept thinking...did I take my invisible pill today? Seems to happen a lot to me - at the farmers markets on Thursdays on Nicollet Mall. I realize at that point it's that people are so focused on finding a deal on sweet corn and the best deal on garlic bulbs but come on. Is it possible that society in general has gotten so completely self involved they can't see past their own reflection? I'd like to think I'm invisible....really I would.



I joked with a friend that we were going to start a club called Moderately Sedated...I'm pretty sure there would be little or no rules but probably some very inclusive membership qualifications and I of course would be the President. :)



Saw the worst movie ever yesterday...the newest Mummy movie...while I didn't expect it to be a Oscar worthy contender, I did expect it to be entertaining....jesh. I'll admit, I did enjoy the first say 20 minutes as they were building the story...but the second they introduced the old characters I sort of lost interest. First off the son was older than the dad and pretty much there was every special effect in the book in this movie....it got old fast. Anyway....fine few hours to spend not thinking I suppose.

Getting old is going to suck

I realize we are all getting older, I'm older than I was two seconds ago when I started writing this but man...it's going to suck. I spent some time with my mom yesterday and for the first time I realized...she is old. I mean she is really moving slower than ever, partially because of some physical ailments but partially man...she is old. I mean shesh...after all that's her body has been through this year alone I can't beleive she is even willing to go out of her house. I took her to Trader Joe's for the first time. It was kind of fun to watch her shopping because even at her age she was all about reading labels. It's no surprise to anyone who knows me or my family we have a weight issue...I've been in Weight Watchers since I was 15 years old...or some other type of program to lose weight....pretty much most of my family has the same issues. My mom as soon as she was physically ready after her near death experience got right back into her routine about her eating and going back to Weight Watchers. Now possibly she is just going through the motions but she counts her points. She pulled out her little chart that tells her how many points were in almost every item she bought. It made me smile to see a woman who was knocking on deaths door calculating how many points are in a box of organic shredded wheat.

I also live in a building with alot of elder residents. Thursday we held an ice cream social. I realize I really enjoy doing these kinds of public events....I love it. I was in charge of whipped cream...I also enjoyed that. It was fun to get to spend some time not only getting to know the residents a bit more but to get to spend some time with my new co-workers whom I usually have 5/10 or 30 minutes with as we pass shift times. I would hang with some of them personally but some others....never. As I served ice cream to people I realized sometimes it really is just the little things that make people happy. Many of the residents were so thrilled and happy to have some event or fun thing to come do on a random Thursday evening. Hell I was excited to have something to do on a Thursday night. When ever I do go out and have fun it takes me a few days to recover - it might help if I could get my mind to stop obsessing about the things I have no control over....that would help me sleep more at night....oh well...getting old is going to suck but hopefully it will be a slow ride.

Here's one more random thought to add to the list....I love quotes - positive thought provoking quotes. They inspire me and sometimes make me feel like I am not all alone in the world...that someone has reached into that dark scary mind of mine and plucked the very thoughts/words I was trying to say and put them out there for the world to see/read/hear. I have a new book that made me stay up way to late last night called This is Not The Life I Ordered (thanks Becky) and it's quite thought provoking. No huge new insights but lots of great quotes. I think I need to read more....more than just my school stuff anyway. Maybe I'll add that to my list of things to do with the last few months of this year.