That is a quote from my friend Troy. I get that endings are endings but I want happily ever after - not just an ending...I want the outcome. Does that exist?
Halloween is one of my favorite days of the year because for one day, or a weekend depending on how you work it out, you can be anything you wish. For some people they get out of their comfort zone and for others, they live out their fantasy. Me...I just want to look good and have fun. I really wanted to be Tinkerbell this year but I thought about it much too late to really look for a costume that wasn't completely whorish. Is that a word? Anyway, I have too much of me to squeeze into a little costume. I'm taking more of the safer route....is that true though? I am going to wear my outfit from the gun show...which for me is out there...it's ....well it's out there. I want to be out there, living on the edge but I am always censoring myself...stopping myself. I wonder what childhood event I can blame that on? My parents are always a good choice but I don't know that they can really take the heat for my insecurities on this one.
Today I am wearing my blonde wig just for fun. Not too out there but enough that it makes me a little invisible for the day. Isn't that funny, today I kind of want to be invisible. I'm sure some therapist would have a field day with that comment. Anyway, it's been fun to see people's reactions to me. They walk by my desk and giggle or stop and do a double take, I made my boss laugh really hard at 7:15 in the morning by him just looking at me. It's a gift really. It's really odd that people don't seem to recognize me until I talk to them. Some of the people who I know that are normally chatty and social with me have walked right by me until I say something then they are shocked....saying I didn't even recognize it was you. What's even funnier is unless you really know me....you might just think I am some nutty old woman trying to pass off a bad wig as my own hair. Oddly enough, the people at work don't seem to expect something like this from me...I guess not here at work any way. Wow, is my corporate Dawn image really working? Now I'm scared.
Hmm, I wonder if I had a crystal ball and I could see into my future if I would like what I see. If I did see it could I change it? I think it might be fun to do a card reading tonight...on this night that the spirits are roaming free. If I could choose a happy ending would I?
Happy Halloween!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Can you hear what I am saying?
I realize words have power, I also realize facial expressions have power. The past few days have been filled with minor irritations and I realized just now after a frustrating conversation with a co-worker who is COMPLETELY clueless about basic, simple everyday type of work related tasks that I can convey a lot more with a look than with words. When I say things out loud they sometimes get ignored but if I look at someone with just the right look they seem to hear that. Odd isn't it that we tune out words so much easier than bodily expressions.
How can something wordless create more chaos? I wish I had a remote control device that I could use to mute, stop or erase things. I realize that would then be used on me in return but still, it would be helpful. I know people who use a lot of expressions and hand gestures when they talk...it seems to me they are in need of attention because it seems to be exaggerated when we are in public. What do they get from being stared at or talked about? What void does it fill? I can probably answer that pretty easily because I used to be like that (more than I am now. I am a work in progress). My friend used to point out to me that I needed to be the center of attention, I try really hard NOT to be that way now. Not that it's a bad thing but it can easily be abused. Look at me, look at me style can be really exhausting.
I think there is a difference between having fun, being who you really are and crossing the line to be the look at me type of person...it's actually probably more of a fine line but it's there. Do we need such external validation to complete ourselves?
I have another friend (oh yes....I have friends!) who is in need of external validation almost all the time. She constantly needs some sort of approval from peers, strangers, anyone on what she does. I hate to divide people into two types....those who HAVE to listen to the opinions of others and those who do what they want and don't care what anyone things. This can really become a habit and there are pitfalls of both styles. People can become so diluted by others input that they literally drown in self dobut or hatred if they don't get what they feel is the right validation. They have no confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish. On the other hand, those who don't care can easily become imprisoned by what they think they already know and may not venture out of their box at all. Aren't we complicated individuals?
When do we learn to trust our own voice and get validation from no one but ourselves?
How can something wordless create more chaos? I wish I had a remote control device that I could use to mute, stop or erase things. I realize that would then be used on me in return but still, it would be helpful. I know people who use a lot of expressions and hand gestures when they talk...it seems to me they are in need of attention because it seems to be exaggerated when we are in public. What do they get from being stared at or talked about? What void does it fill? I can probably answer that pretty easily because I used to be like that (more than I am now. I am a work in progress). My friend used to point out to me that I needed to be the center of attention, I try really hard NOT to be that way now. Not that it's a bad thing but it can easily be abused. Look at me, look at me style can be really exhausting.
I think there is a difference between having fun, being who you really are and crossing the line to be the look at me type of person...it's actually probably more of a fine line but it's there. Do we need such external validation to complete ourselves?
I have another friend (oh yes....I have friends!) who is in need of external validation almost all the time. She constantly needs some sort of approval from peers, strangers, anyone on what she does. I hate to divide people into two types....those who HAVE to listen to the opinions of others and those who do what they want and don't care what anyone things. This can really become a habit and there are pitfalls of both styles. People can become so diluted by others input that they literally drown in self dobut or hatred if they don't get what they feel is the right validation. They have no confidence in who they are and what they can accomplish. On the other hand, those who don't care can easily become imprisoned by what they think they already know and may not venture out of their box at all. Aren't we complicated individuals?
When do we learn to trust our own voice and get validation from no one but ourselves?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Memories
Memories, like the corners of our minds, misty water colored memories, of the way we were.
Man I had a serious flashback this morning as I was walking through the skyway on my way to get coffee. I passed a sign for some radio station and there was a giant picture of Barry Manilow on it and I had this weird dejavu type of moment. I flashed way back to my youth....that's a long time ago....and I remember how crazy excited I was to attend his concert. It wasn't my first concert - that was Hall & Oats on Halloween which I had to sneak into because I was only 16 and my mom FORBID me to go to concerts because people only went there to get high, anyway, I was 18 years old, living with some friends and we splurged on concert tickets. We were up in the nose bleed section but I remember being completely giddy with joy as we arrived and sat down. I thought out of all the people here he will sing to only me. Ahhh, the delusions of youth.
Then I started thinking about how important Barry was in other parts of my life. I had loved him for a long long time. I remember my first kiss was to a Barry song....well kind of. I can't remember exactly how old I was but I do remember it was love. We were playing hide and go seek (clearly I was young like 12/14ish) and I was hiding in the dumpster with Andrew.... so impressed I still remember his name.....and he was humming a Barry song and suddenly, sitting in the giant dumpster (it was a construction dumpster so more building supplies and probably rusty nails!) he leaned over and kissed me. I was so surprised...so excited and so confused. I didn't know what would happen next...do I kiss back, do I stop....I just remember being so confused. Being confused seemed to be what I hung on to. I often feel confused....isn't there a handbook about life I can look things up in and pick from three choices?
Ahh, memories...sometimes they can be fun and comforting and other times they can be a cruel reminder of how mean people can be. After remembering all that fun stuff my mind rambled on to the time when I was older, 16, or as I like to call them "low self esteem days" and again I was playing hide and seek (ummm, did I ever do anything else?) and I was hiding under a car (yeah apparently I'm not a very good player) with this dude...whose name I can't remember probably because he was a total jerk, no wonder I liked him, and he turned to me and said you know I'd kiss you but you have a mustache! I was mortified....yeah the girls in my family are a little generous with the facial hair, it's the Greek genes in us, but jesh.....it wasn't like a full on manly mustache....jesh. That pretty much scared me for life....I'm a regular waxer now....stupid boys.
Our minds are a scary, dark, wonderful place. We can, with just sheer will, change our own history and recreate moments whenever we choose to. Ever talk to two different people who experienced the same event and realize it is so different for each one of them. Much like a first date....one could think it was great and fun and the other thinks it was like sticking pins in your eyes. I wonder if over time we rewrite our own memories. Clearly the really good and the really bad stay pretty clear in our minds but the middle of the road memories....can they be altered?
Are they like a road map that lead us further down the road or are they little potholes in our own road of life? If you make new memories, do you lose the old?
Man I had a serious flashback this morning as I was walking through the skyway on my way to get coffee. I passed a sign for some radio station and there was a giant picture of Barry Manilow on it and I had this weird dejavu type of moment. I flashed way back to my youth....that's a long time ago....and I remember how crazy excited I was to attend his concert. It wasn't my first concert - that was Hall & Oats on Halloween which I had to sneak into because I was only 16 and my mom FORBID me to go to concerts because people only went there to get high, anyway, I was 18 years old, living with some friends and we splurged on concert tickets. We were up in the nose bleed section but I remember being completely giddy with joy as we arrived and sat down. I thought out of all the people here he will sing to only me. Ahhh, the delusions of youth.
Then I started thinking about how important Barry was in other parts of my life. I had loved him for a long long time. I remember my first kiss was to a Barry song....well kind of. I can't remember exactly how old I was but I do remember it was love. We were playing hide and go seek (clearly I was young like 12/14ish) and I was hiding in the dumpster with Andrew.... so impressed I still remember his name.....and he was humming a Barry song and suddenly, sitting in the giant dumpster (it was a construction dumpster so more building supplies and probably rusty nails!) he leaned over and kissed me. I was so surprised...so excited and so confused. I didn't know what would happen next...do I kiss back, do I stop....I just remember being so confused. Being confused seemed to be what I hung on to. I often feel confused....isn't there a handbook about life I can look things up in and pick from three choices?
Ahh, memories...sometimes they can be fun and comforting and other times they can be a cruel reminder of how mean people can be. After remembering all that fun stuff my mind rambled on to the time when I was older, 16, or as I like to call them "low self esteem days" and again I was playing hide and seek (ummm, did I ever do anything else?) and I was hiding under a car (yeah apparently I'm not a very good player) with this dude...whose name I can't remember probably because he was a total jerk, no wonder I liked him, and he turned to me and said you know I'd kiss you but you have a mustache! I was mortified....yeah the girls in my family are a little generous with the facial hair, it's the Greek genes in us, but jesh.....it wasn't like a full on manly mustache....jesh. That pretty much scared me for life....I'm a regular waxer now....stupid boys.
Our minds are a scary, dark, wonderful place. We can, with just sheer will, change our own history and recreate moments whenever we choose to. Ever talk to two different people who experienced the same event and realize it is so different for each one of them. Much like a first date....one could think it was great and fun and the other thinks it was like sticking pins in your eyes. I wonder if over time we rewrite our own memories. Clearly the really good and the really bad stay pretty clear in our minds but the middle of the road memories....can they be altered?
Are they like a road map that lead us further down the road or are they little potholes in our own road of life? If you make new memories, do you lose the old?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Every problem is a gift in disguise
Who believes this raise your hand....that's what I thought. Problems are gifts? How do we see that in the moment? How do we, in the midst of figuring out what to do see that moment as a gift? For me personally, I think of gifts as unexpected surprises, things you want, need, desire, HAVE TO HAVE. Is a problem really something that fits in that category? Isn't a gift something you kinda sorta want? Are problems really gifts and if so, can I refuse? Will it hurt someone's feelings or anger the Universe?
I've been talking a lot lately about "in the moment" kind of moments and a really fun thought occurred to me. Remember the old movies - like Sunday in the Park (probably not the right name but you get the idea - it was a Doris Day movie) and she was just walking through this park I think pondering a problem or discussing a "issue" and BAM - out of no where she breaks into song and dance and EVERYONE involved not only knew the song but they knew the dance steps...heck even the horses (there was a horse and buggy I believe) knew what was going on. Why can't life be a musical number? What song would I choose?
Wouldn't that break the stress or tension during a tough meeting or an relive an awkward moment like just before you kiss someone for the first time. Like the scene from The Little Mermaid...you got to kiss the girl (boy) la la la la la. Ha. That's a really fun thought.....I want my own musical number to break out in the middle of my day. Could it be like a radio station though if you didn't like the song you could change it....if you could change it, would that change the outcome of the moment?
Today's message from the Universe is also very fitting -
How does the Universe know what to say to a person? How does it know what message to send? I guess it's the Universe so it doesn't have to tell me the answer but it's kind of like a fortune cookie....they also seem to be able to address issues. Are we as a society so predictable in our "issues" that fortune cookies and the Universe are able to give a generic statement that applies to most? Are we so easily pacified with such a generic response?
I've been talking a lot lately about "in the moment" kind of moments and a really fun thought occurred to me. Remember the old movies - like Sunday in the Park (probably not the right name but you get the idea - it was a Doris Day movie) and she was just walking through this park I think pondering a problem or discussing a "issue" and BAM - out of no where she breaks into song and dance and EVERYONE involved not only knew the song but they knew the dance steps...heck even the horses (there was a horse and buggy I believe) knew what was going on. Why can't life be a musical number? What song would I choose?
Wouldn't that break the stress or tension during a tough meeting or an relive an awkward moment like just before you kiss someone for the first time. Like the scene from The Little Mermaid...you got to kiss the girl (boy) la la la la la. Ha. That's a really fun thought.....I want my own musical number to break out in the middle of my day. Could it be like a radio station though if you didn't like the song you could change it....if you could change it, would that change the outcome of the moment?
Today's message from the Universe is also very fitting -
You know, the moment I begin to play, grow, and become more than I was, within the jungles of time and space?
I feel alone, disconnected, like I'm missing
something. Even though I'm none of those things.And neither are you.
Rock on, loveable -
The Universe
How does the Universe know what to say to a person? How does it know what message to send? I guess it's the Universe so it doesn't have to tell me the answer but it's kind of like a fortune cookie....they also seem to be able to address issues. Are we as a society so predictable in our "issues" that fortune cookies and the Universe are able to give a generic statement that applies to most? Are we so easily pacified with such a generic response?
Monday, October 27, 2008
If you wait for it - it will come
Today this is what the Universe shared with me:
If you sit and get really quiet, fully expecting your answer, it has to come.
Guaranteed,
The Universe
I know I've talked about this before....seeking the answers...but what if you don't know what the question is? How do you find the question? Is there a test book I can study? Why is it so hard?
Lately my sleep cycle has been interrupted again, partially its because the weather had been nice enough that I enjoyed sleeping with my window open a bit and Smoker Joe is out hacking up his lungs earlier and earlier each day. Partially it's because I have been really off my sleep cycle...staying up too late, getting up too early and probably more importantly it's the phase I'm in right now where I am consuming mass quantities of alcohol and thus adding to my not clearly thinking times which in turn effects my sleep. Seems like drinking is what I want to do these days....possibly to push away the day to day drama/thoughts that interrupt my life. Moderately sedated....although after several days of that my body is not liking Monday morning all that much. :)
It's funny the things that make people get all bent out of shape. I used to be what I call Chicken Little...every event, every drama, everything that was so outside of my normal (what is normal?) day to day existence was cause for panic. I remember on a trip to Chicago with a friend I got a flat tire and I was convinced that I had to sell my car....Chicken Little. But with time, age and years of therapy one learns how to deal....and sometimes I feel really old but it's not really a bad thing I guess. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend and a comment was made that some people can't handle being around people like me who have the type of "life energy"that I have. At first I was confused by that....then I was sort of bothered by that....why do I have to adjust who I am and how I am to be accepted? I hate that I give anyone else the power to make me feel anything. Today I have to play host to an outside group we will be hosting so I have my "corporate face on" and people look at me differently and I feel them judging me with their looks and I just want to ask them....what are you staring at me for? Why does anyone care how I act or look? Does it really effect them in anyway? I wish I didn't care.
How quiet does your soul have to be to hear the answers?
If you sit and get really quiet, fully expecting your answer, it has to come.
Guaranteed,
The Universe
I know I've talked about this before....seeking the answers...but what if you don't know what the question is? How do you find the question? Is there a test book I can study? Why is it so hard?
Lately my sleep cycle has been interrupted again, partially its because the weather had been nice enough that I enjoyed sleeping with my window open a bit and Smoker Joe is out hacking up his lungs earlier and earlier each day. Partially it's because I have been really off my sleep cycle...staying up too late, getting up too early and probably more importantly it's the phase I'm in right now where I am consuming mass quantities of alcohol and thus adding to my not clearly thinking times which in turn effects my sleep. Seems like drinking is what I want to do these days....possibly to push away the day to day drama/thoughts that interrupt my life. Moderately sedated....although after several days of that my body is not liking Monday morning all that much. :)
It's funny the things that make people get all bent out of shape. I used to be what I call Chicken Little...every event, every drama, everything that was so outside of my normal (what is normal?) day to day existence was cause for panic. I remember on a trip to Chicago with a friend I got a flat tire and I was convinced that I had to sell my car....Chicken Little. But with time, age and years of therapy one learns how to deal....and sometimes I feel really old but it's not really a bad thing I guess. I had a conversation with someone over the weekend and a comment was made that some people can't handle being around people like me who have the type of "life energy"that I have. At first I was confused by that....then I was sort of bothered by that....why do I have to adjust who I am and how I am to be accepted? I hate that I give anyone else the power to make me feel anything. Today I have to play host to an outside group we will be hosting so I have my "corporate face on" and people look at me differently and I feel them judging me with their looks and I just want to ask them....what are you staring at me for? Why does anyone care how I act or look? Does it really effect them in anyway? I wish I didn't care.
How quiet does your soul have to be to hear the answers?
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Atmospheric Shifts
I love fall. The crisp air, the rustle of leaves as they blow in the wind and then slowly it turns into winter...which I don't honestly mind all that much. I do need to get a new pair of boots but I guess I can manage that easily enough. I like the changing of seasons, it makes me really appreciate my floor to ceiling windows a lot more. When it snows, it sort of looks like I live in a snow globe because of the way the snow sort of blows up like someone is shaking up a snow globe.
This kind of weather makes me sort of want to hibernate a little...not staying in bed all day but staying inside. Since I had to work today I was up at 7, did my opening gig and was back home by 8. Didn't have to be back in the office until 11 so I had 3 hours to myself. I was very productive. Got stuff ready for the craft sale which is next weekend and I feel ready for it now. Plus I got my November birthday cards done, presents wrapped and even took a long bath. It was a very productive morning. Now I just have to finish up my homework for this week and I am ready for this week.
I had a conversation twice this weekend, wait maybe it was actually 3 times this weekend about the joys of spooning. I am not sure how it came up each time but it seems to be a random conversation that lead to it. My one friend refers to spooning as the big spoon or the little spoon. Makes me laugh even more. Who doesn't want to spoon a day like to day...spoon, sleep, relax...ahhh a day to do absolutely nothing...I wonder what that is like.
I am hungry today...don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I drank way more than I ate this weekend. I feel like I could sit a buffet and graze all day. Then I started thinking....what we feed....we feed not only our bodies but our souls. Am I physically hungry or is my soul starving? How do you begin to know the difference?
This kind of weather makes me sort of want to hibernate a little...not staying in bed all day but staying inside. Since I had to work today I was up at 7, did my opening gig and was back home by 8. Didn't have to be back in the office until 11 so I had 3 hours to myself. I was very productive. Got stuff ready for the craft sale which is next weekend and I feel ready for it now. Plus I got my November birthday cards done, presents wrapped and even took a long bath. It was a very productive morning. Now I just have to finish up my homework for this week and I am ready for this week.
I had a conversation twice this weekend, wait maybe it was actually 3 times this weekend about the joys of spooning. I am not sure how it came up each time but it seems to be a random conversation that lead to it. My one friend refers to spooning as the big spoon or the little spoon. Makes me laugh even more. Who doesn't want to spoon a day like to day...spoon, sleep, relax...ahhh a day to do absolutely nothing...I wonder what that is like.
I am hungry today...don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I drank way more than I ate this weekend. I feel like I could sit a buffet and graze all day. Then I started thinking....what we feed....we feed not only our bodies but our souls. Am I physically hungry or is my soul starving? How do you begin to know the difference?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
New experiences
Sometimes it just takes something simple to shake the dust off an ordinary life. One you put yourself in a new situation some things become clearer, some become more muddled. I think I'm going down my own path just fine then something happens and I begin to wonder...do I even want to be on THIS path at all? Why not try a new path? What does one have to lose by trying something new? Just the fear of the unknown or the what ifs.
Trying to figure out who you are and where you belong is an on going plight. You have to learn who you are when no one else is there. That seems to be where I am stuck at lately. Who am I and who do I really want to be?
It's funny, at work I am corporate me...well mostly, some odd version of corporate me, but there is a corporate dance that has to be done and as much as I don't always like it, I do it - mostly. Then when you are with your friends you can be someone else and then with family, acquaintances you are someone else. I find something kind of cathartic about who I am with strangers. Maybe it's a way to build up my self-esteem but if I am out alone I have this version of who I am in my mind that is SOOOO much better than anyone I meet. I think I am the queen of the prom and I find that kind of helpful. I like that fact that with strangers you can pretty much be anyone you want to be at that moment. I often feel much more interesting and that I have something to offer when I am meeting people for the first time. It's like once you give them a peek behind the crazy curtain there is no going back. That must be the appeal behind one night stands....you don't have to deal with any of the issues or nuisances of another persons life, just one night. That must be good in some ways.
Working at the ET you get little snippets of who people are as they walk by the office or if they stop by to talk to you...I like to imagine lives for these people based on these snippets of their lives that I witness. It's funny when I find out differently...the reality doesn't fit my scenario of the life I created for them. Sometimes it better, sometimes not. I tease one of my co-workers because she always seems to get a stalker/boyfriend. These people don't give me the time of day but they love her and sometimes it's inappropriate but it makes me giggle. How lonely they feel to try to get some love and affection from a staff person....knowing full well it's a relationship that could never really be anything more than what it is...a few moments. Maybe that's not so bad, a few good moments must out weigh lots of not good ones...right?
Wouldn't it be cool if you could pick and choose your life items like one of those crane games? Each day you could update or change it. That would be good but I wonder if I would have enough quarters.
Trying to figure out who you are and where you belong is an on going plight. You have to learn who you are when no one else is there. That seems to be where I am stuck at lately. Who am I and who do I really want to be?
It's funny, at work I am corporate me...well mostly, some odd version of corporate me, but there is a corporate dance that has to be done and as much as I don't always like it, I do it - mostly. Then when you are with your friends you can be someone else and then with family, acquaintances you are someone else. I find something kind of cathartic about who I am with strangers. Maybe it's a way to build up my self-esteem but if I am out alone I have this version of who I am in my mind that is SOOOO much better than anyone I meet. I think I am the queen of the prom and I find that kind of helpful. I like that fact that with strangers you can pretty much be anyone you want to be at that moment. I often feel much more interesting and that I have something to offer when I am meeting people for the first time. It's like once you give them a peek behind the crazy curtain there is no going back. That must be the appeal behind one night stands....you don't have to deal with any of the issues or nuisances of another persons life, just one night. That must be good in some ways.
Working at the ET you get little snippets of who people are as they walk by the office or if they stop by to talk to you...I like to imagine lives for these people based on these snippets of their lives that I witness. It's funny when I find out differently...the reality doesn't fit my scenario of the life I created for them. Sometimes it better, sometimes not. I tease one of my co-workers because she always seems to get a stalker/boyfriend. These people don't give me the time of day but they love her and sometimes it's inappropriate but it makes me giggle. How lonely they feel to try to get some love and affection from a staff person....knowing full well it's a relationship that could never really be anything more than what it is...a few moments. Maybe that's not so bad, a few good moments must out weigh lots of not good ones...right?
Wouldn't it be cool if you could pick and choose your life items like one of those crane games? Each day you could update or change it. That would be good but I wonder if I would have enough quarters.
Friday, October 24, 2008
GPS for your life
Wouldn't it be great if we could just plug something in to guide us through life? A GPS for life. I'd like to wake up in the morning, dock myself and let a magical little voice, preferably with an adorable accent, guide me on my journey.
That is a bad decision, don't go down that path. Don't wear that outfit, it makes your ass look big. A third martini is a mistake, turn back now.
Jesh...why do the simple things have to be so hard? I realize they don't HAVE to be but they are. I don't understand how things change so much from one day to the next...how one day you wake up and feel like you are trudging through mother loving cement! It's exhausting to be awake some days. Add to that mix unstable corporate crap, family events (issues), personal life (or lack there of) stir well and you have a permanent Monday. Wow...things seem to go from being OK to crap pretty easily if you don't keep your foot on the brake.
Work is pretty uneventful now that the big drama of the webinar is over and now we are on to mundane everyday type work. It's not bad, it's just not challenging or exciting. I have almost burned through all my vacation time and am wondering how in the world I am going to make it 2 1/2 more months working every single day. There has to be a better option.
School is ok, challenging but ok. It's good to have a good, dedicated group to work with, one that pulls their weight and doesn't wait until the last minute - that helps. I realized it's difficult to go to school year round with no break, no real downtime from school to sort of rest and get recharged. On the other hand I'm done in June. I just can't wait to be done.
Personally I am feeling a little bored and disconnected with things. I realize it's probably just a bad day because Lord knows I sure didn't want to get up today much less get dressed but there are things to be done and places to go. Isn't it sad we have to take a day off to get anything done? Where does the week go and why isn't there anyone to help me get things checked off my list? Why are things so hard when you're alone?
I read this great quote that seems to really sum it up:
I accept the fact that we can't find satisfaction or validation through someone else but what if that someone else is the reason we get up, gives us purpose, gives us what we need to fight the battle or face the day? Without that we are a shell, empty and not really sure of our place. Why don't we look within to get what we need and use another to supplement? What direction can that other person provide for us if we don't first know our own path? Isn't it enough to love without expecting or needing anything in return?
Would a GPS for our own life be able to direct two as well as one?
Danger Will Robinson.....danger.
That is a bad decision, don't go down that path. Don't wear that outfit, it makes your ass look big. A third martini is a mistake, turn back now.
Jesh...why do the simple things have to be so hard? I realize they don't HAVE to be but they are. I don't understand how things change so much from one day to the next...how one day you wake up and feel like you are trudging through mother loving cement! It's exhausting to be awake some days. Add to that mix unstable corporate crap, family events (issues), personal life (or lack there of) stir well and you have a permanent Monday. Wow...things seem to go from being OK to crap pretty easily if you don't keep your foot on the brake.
Work is pretty uneventful now that the big drama of the webinar is over and now we are on to mundane everyday type work. It's not bad, it's just not challenging or exciting. I have almost burned through all my vacation time and am wondering how in the world I am going to make it 2 1/2 more months working every single day. There has to be a better option.
School is ok, challenging but ok. It's good to have a good, dedicated group to work with, one that pulls their weight and doesn't wait until the last minute - that helps. I realized it's difficult to go to school year round with no break, no real downtime from school to sort of rest and get recharged. On the other hand I'm done in June. I just can't wait to be done.
Personally I am feeling a little bored and disconnected with things. I realize it's probably just a bad day because Lord knows I sure didn't want to get up today much less get dressed but there are things to be done and places to go. Isn't it sad we have to take a day off to get anything done? Where does the week go and why isn't there anyone to help me get things checked off my list? Why are things so hard when you're alone?
I read this great quote that seems to really sum it up:
"there’s a difference between loneliness and being lonely, and a difference
between loving and being loved"
I accept the fact that we can't find satisfaction or validation through someone else but what if that someone else is the reason we get up, gives us purpose, gives us what we need to fight the battle or face the day? Without that we are a shell, empty and not really sure of our place. Why don't we look within to get what we need and use another to supplement? What direction can that other person provide for us if we don't first know our own path? Isn't it enough to love without expecting or needing anything in return?
Would a GPS for our own life be able to direct two as well as one?
Danger Will Robinson.....danger.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
What's in a name?
I wonder, if my name were something else would my life be any different? I mean if I had a stripper name like Desire would I be someone other than who I am? Does a name have anything to do with who you are?
When I was born I was named Victoria Lee. I don't know exactly how long I had that name before my mother decided that wasn't who I was. Would my life be any different if my name were something other than what it is? Do words or names make us anything different? I love being called Auntie. It brings me immeasurable joy and happiness. My 5 year old nephew (soon to be 6!) always calls me Auntie...but he doesn't always call my other sisters Auntie...sometimes he just uses their first names...same with my other nieces and nephews...but they ALWAYS call me Auntie. I love that. If someone calls you beautiful all the time...do you believe that? Do you become that? Or if they call you dumb or fat or whatever....do you become that?
Words have power. Sometimes we forget how much power they do have. I know when I've had a particularly bad day sometimes a kind word can make it better. Choose your words carefully. They also can leave a mark on your soul. I can remember things that were said to me in anger or thoughtlessness - they are etched on my brain forever. The care and feeding of humans is so delicate.
I get the thought from the Universe every day - today's was this:
Wouldn't it be amazing if more people lived life like that...giving without expecting anything in return. To me giving isn't in physical things, there are ways to give without cost. Laughter, friendship, kindness, accepting.....all ways to give without cost.
Last night I worked at the ET (I heart E&S) and this young man stopped in to ask a question about the circuit training we offer and I must seem like the kind old lady that listens well because he started pouring out his sad little tale of his broken heart. He mentioned several times how he was writing a lot to try to get through this and it reminded me that we have the power to heal ourselves with words. It's cathartic to spill your thoughts out....like a dumping of the soul to get out all that is trapped inside and sometimes we are the better for it. We have to name it to claim it. Man....I should copyright that statement....maybe it already is and now I've just stolen it. Anyway, he thanked me when he was done saying that it felt really good to just talk about it. I couldn't sleep when I got back home last night. I just kept replayed a lot of his conversation in my head and thought I can't remember being that young and that broken hearted and yet so willing to talk about it out loud. He seems like such a wise and sensitive soul but if a break up after one year is going to leave him in such a tail spin he's got a long hard life ahead of him. I kind of wanted to wrap him in a blanket and keep him safe from the crazy world, but I think that's called kidnapping. :)
God bless parents. I give them a lot of credit. It's probably the hardest job in the world. Last night his couple came in with this adorable, high energy 4 year old named Rayvin. Yes I spelled it right...well at least how they spelled it. This little girl was so full of energy and so clearly craved attention but was the sweetest little thing.....she was I'm guessing living on a diet of pixie sticks and caffeine. She was amped up to the max but on the other hand so freaking adorable I really wanted to keep her. The parents seemed to be oblivious to their child most of the time, as they talked among themselves and little Rayven was forced to entertain herself and me. It kills me how adorable and open kids are, they never even think before they speak and they are so honest. She insisted that I write her name on her picture she was drawing. So I of course spelled it Raven - at 4 she knew her name was misspelled and had no problem telling me I was wrong. Honesty - it's kind of sad we lose that as we grow.
Does it really matter what your name is or what your called? Does it really have any effect on reality? If my name were Danielle or Gabrielle would my life be any different? I guess what matters is what you are doing with your life, and the people in it....names are meaningless.
When I was born I was named Victoria Lee. I don't know exactly how long I had that name before my mother decided that wasn't who I was. Would my life be any different if my name were something other than what it is? Do words or names make us anything different? I love being called Auntie. It brings me immeasurable joy and happiness. My 5 year old nephew (soon to be 6!) always calls me Auntie...but he doesn't always call my other sisters Auntie...sometimes he just uses their first names...same with my other nieces and nephews...but they ALWAYS call me Auntie. I love that. If someone calls you beautiful all the time...do you believe that? Do you become that? Or if they call you dumb or fat or whatever....do you become that?
Words have power. Sometimes we forget how much power they do have. I know when I've had a particularly bad day sometimes a kind word can make it better. Choose your words carefully. They also can leave a mark on your soul. I can remember things that were said to me in anger or thoughtlessness - they are etched on my brain forever. The care and feeding of humans is so delicate.
I get the thought from the Universe every day - today's was this:
Giving tells the Universe that you believe you are provided for. For even as you empty your purse, you fear not. The act alone is a demonstration of faith that you will remain whole, that your coffers will be replenished, and that love is what matters most. And for whomsoever believes these things to be true, it shall become their reality, and abundance shall be showered upon
them unceasingly, as if the heavens had opened up."
Wouldn't it be amazing if more people lived life like that...giving without expecting anything in return. To me giving isn't in physical things, there are ways to give without cost. Laughter, friendship, kindness, accepting.....all ways to give without cost.
Last night I worked at the ET (I heart E&S) and this young man stopped in to ask a question about the circuit training we offer and I must seem like the kind old lady that listens well because he started pouring out his sad little tale of his broken heart. He mentioned several times how he was writing a lot to try to get through this and it reminded me that we have the power to heal ourselves with words. It's cathartic to spill your thoughts out....like a dumping of the soul to get out all that is trapped inside and sometimes we are the better for it. We have to name it to claim it. Man....I should copyright that statement....maybe it already is and now I've just stolen it. Anyway, he thanked me when he was done saying that it felt really good to just talk about it. I couldn't sleep when I got back home last night. I just kept replayed a lot of his conversation in my head and thought I can't remember being that young and that broken hearted and yet so willing to talk about it out loud. He seems like such a wise and sensitive soul but if a break up after one year is going to leave him in such a tail spin he's got a long hard life ahead of him. I kind of wanted to wrap him in a blanket and keep him safe from the crazy world, but I think that's called kidnapping. :)
God bless parents. I give them a lot of credit. It's probably the hardest job in the world. Last night his couple came in with this adorable, high energy 4 year old named Rayvin. Yes I spelled it right...well at least how they spelled it. This little girl was so full of energy and so clearly craved attention but was the sweetest little thing.....she was I'm guessing living on a diet of pixie sticks and caffeine. She was amped up to the max but on the other hand so freaking adorable I really wanted to keep her. The parents seemed to be oblivious to their child most of the time, as they talked among themselves and little Rayven was forced to entertain herself and me. It kills me how adorable and open kids are, they never even think before they speak and they are so honest. She insisted that I write her name on her picture she was drawing. So I of course spelled it Raven - at 4 she knew her name was misspelled and had no problem telling me I was wrong. Honesty - it's kind of sad we lose that as we grow.
Does it really matter what your name is or what your called? Does it really have any effect on reality? If my name were Danielle or Gabrielle would my life be any different? I guess what matters is what you are doing with your life, and the people in it....names are meaningless.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Feeling Included
Wow....a embarrassing thing happened - I happened to check my blog to see my postings and I didn't see my last two postings. I was like maybe I dreamed that I posted. I have my own personal blog and my work blog bookmarked and I realized for the last two days I have posted my own personal thoughts in the work blog. How embarrassing.
Yesterday I blogged about feeling invisible and although there is no reason I couldn't have left it out there I immediately deleted it. I had a rough morning yesterday and was feeling invisible both personally and professionally. After almost dying twice on the highway as two cars just decided they needed my lane and then the man who rushed past me to get in the revolving door before me, I was feeling invisible. Between that and work issues I was feeling invisible and wondered how one becomes visible again. What do you do to become visible? Glad I caught it before anyone else saw it...or did they? Either way it's fine, it wasn't inappropriate. Although today's post might have caused some "issues".
Today I blogged about the joys of feeling included....less invisible. I have come to the conclusion that texting makes me feel a part of something bigger, like I matter....less invisible. I received a text from a friend in Vegas late last night saying he was drunk and winning...although I have to question if he was drunk was he really winning or did he THINK he was winning...either way it was fun to be thought of.
I shamefully admit that I am rather addicted to texting. I enjoy it, I find happiness in it and I find that I can stay connected to many people with just a few words. I never understood the joys of texing before. My thought was just pick up the phone.....how hard is that? But now I get it. I love the fact that I can continue to do what I am doing while having little blurbs of conversation with others. I like the idea that someone takes the time to think of me and send me a comment, thought or picture. Less invisible.
It's fun to have my phone make that magical little sound that says someone has thought of me and is sending me a thought. It's fun...it's like multi-tasking on a personal level. I feel less confined and more open texting. I often say things I don't think I would say in person or in email...it's quick, short simple statements that often make me really happy. I also love the fact that I can say things using #'s or symbols. Example - C U 2 later @ the bar. So simple yet my message is clear. Ahh, the joys of texting.
I think I like it so much because I feel like its more personal, more intentional. Someone has to specifically WANT to contact you...they have to choose you, type out the message and send. Not like a phone call where you can have them on speed dial or an email that seems so much less personal and not as connected.....and like I said, I feel braver and more open when I text. Maybe it's just me but I get it now...I get the joys of texting. I had to change my plan last month because I had the 400 text messages plan and with 10 days left until the new cycle, I only had 7 text messages left. Ooops. I really do enjoy texing, so much so that I am considering upgrading my phone to one with a full texting keyboard. Isn't technology wonderful?
Feeling included is kind of what it's about - at least for me. We want to be included in work decisions, friends lives (isn't that what Facebook is about?) and just overall being connected to others and does it really matter in what format it is? Like this morning......as I approached my car to come to work I discovered it covered in toilet paper. High school prank maybe - but it gave me great joy. The pinched faced older woman that was in the parking garage with me would disagree but I found it hilarious! I had a goofy grin on my face my whole drive into work.
I realize it's probably in retaliation to another high school prank a partner in crime and I did last night but still it was unexpected and a fun way to start my day. It made me feel included...like someone took a perfectly good roll of toilet paper and covered my car. Nice. Now I just need to figure out who the culprit is and exact my revenge....high school pranks maybe...but who doesn't want to feel included?
Maybe that's the secret to feeling less invisible....to be included, to be a part of the bigger picture to feel like you matter. One has to put themselves out there and risk being excluded to be included.
Man it's hard being an adult..thankfully that doesn't seem to be a problem for me.
Yesterday I blogged about feeling invisible and although there is no reason I couldn't have left it out there I immediately deleted it. I had a rough morning yesterday and was feeling invisible both personally and professionally. After almost dying twice on the highway as two cars just decided they needed my lane and then the man who rushed past me to get in the revolving door before me, I was feeling invisible. Between that and work issues I was feeling invisible and wondered how one becomes visible again. What do you do to become visible? Glad I caught it before anyone else saw it...or did they? Either way it's fine, it wasn't inappropriate. Although today's post might have caused some "issues".
Today I blogged about the joys of feeling included....less invisible. I have come to the conclusion that texting makes me feel a part of something bigger, like I matter....less invisible. I received a text from a friend in Vegas late last night saying he was drunk and winning...although I have to question if he was drunk was he really winning or did he THINK he was winning...either way it was fun to be thought of.
I shamefully admit that I am rather addicted to texting. I enjoy it, I find happiness in it and I find that I can stay connected to many people with just a few words. I never understood the joys of texing before. My thought was just pick up the phone.....how hard is that? But now I get it. I love the fact that I can continue to do what I am doing while having little blurbs of conversation with others. I like the idea that someone takes the time to think of me and send me a comment, thought or picture. Less invisible.
It's fun to have my phone make that magical little sound that says someone has thought of me and is sending me a thought. It's fun...it's like multi-tasking on a personal level. I feel less confined and more open texting. I often say things I don't think I would say in person or in email...it's quick, short simple statements that often make me really happy. I also love the fact that I can say things using #'s or symbols. Example - C U 2 later @ the bar. So simple yet my message is clear. Ahh, the joys of texting.
I think I like it so much because I feel like its more personal, more intentional. Someone has to specifically WANT to contact you...they have to choose you, type out the message and send. Not like a phone call where you can have them on speed dial or an email that seems so much less personal and not as connected.....and like I said, I feel braver and more open when I text. Maybe it's just me but I get it now...I get the joys of texting. I had to change my plan last month because I had the 400 text messages plan and with 10 days left until the new cycle, I only had 7 text messages left. Ooops. I really do enjoy texing, so much so that I am considering upgrading my phone to one with a full texting keyboard. Isn't technology wonderful?
Feeling included is kind of what it's about - at least for me. We want to be included in work decisions, friends lives (isn't that what Facebook is about?) and just overall being connected to others and does it really matter in what format it is? Like this morning......as I approached my car to come to work I discovered it covered in toilet paper. High school prank maybe - but it gave me great joy. The pinched faced older woman that was in the parking garage with me would disagree but I found it hilarious! I had a goofy grin on my face my whole drive into work.
I realize it's probably in retaliation to another high school prank a partner in crime and I did last night but still it was unexpected and a fun way to start my day. It made me feel included...like someone took a perfectly good roll of toilet paper and covered my car. Nice. Now I just need to figure out who the culprit is and exact my revenge....high school pranks maybe...but who doesn't want to feel included?
Maybe that's the secret to feeling less invisible....to be included, to be a part of the bigger picture to feel like you matter. One has to put themselves out there and risk being excluded to be included.
Man it's hard being an adult..thankfully that doesn't seem to be a problem for me.
Monday, October 20, 2008
There is love
I performed my first wedding ceremony on Friday night. Officially I can marry people in the state of Minnesota and I found it sort of restored my faith in love a little bit. It occured to me that there are people out there that truly want to spend their lives with another person. Or so it seems at the time of the wedding.
It was a short, sweet, non-religious ceremony and everyone seemed to be quite pleased with it. I struggled with what to wear. I also realized that in that role I needed to create a new persona. I couldn't be me...I had to be reserved, professional, mature...things I'm not comfortable with for long periods of time. I did breakdown during the ceremony and enjoyed the chicken dance as well as participated in the traditional boquet toss. I was one of the few single girls out there and thought I have a fighting chance but then the announcement was made that ALL ladies should come out...what the hell....is nothing sacred any longer? I was of course beaten out by a woman older than I who was looking for mate #3. NUMBER 3! Jesh...talk about being selfish.
The ceremony itself was small, about 60 people. It was by candle light and pretty simple in nature. I was nervous and when they started playing this song in the beginning I really had to fight the tears. Sometimes a song can express so much emotion. Weddings in general are pretty emotional but when the song mixes with the tears of joy it's very powerful. I really enjoying being a part of something that hopefully will last a long long time. Maybe not the love or the feelings that overflowed that day but possibly the thought or notion of spending your life with another person. Where there is love there is hope.
It was a short, sweet, non-religious ceremony and everyone seemed to be quite pleased with it. I struggled with what to wear. I also realized that in that role I needed to create a new persona. I couldn't be me...I had to be reserved, professional, mature...things I'm not comfortable with for long periods of time. I did breakdown during the ceremony and enjoyed the chicken dance as well as participated in the traditional boquet toss. I was one of the few single girls out there and thought I have a fighting chance but then the announcement was made that ALL ladies should come out...what the hell....is nothing sacred any longer? I was of course beaten out by a woman older than I who was looking for mate #3. NUMBER 3! Jesh...talk about being selfish.
The ceremony itself was small, about 60 people. It was by candle light and pretty simple in nature. I was nervous and when they started playing this song in the beginning I really had to fight the tears. Sometimes a song can express so much emotion. Weddings in general are pretty emotional but when the song mixes with the tears of joy it's very powerful. I really enjoying being a part of something that hopefully will last a long long time. Maybe not the love or the feelings that overflowed that day but possibly the thought or notion of spending your life with another person. Where there is love there is hope.
Live your best life
I love my Oprah magazine. There is this instant inspiration peice in every month's magazine. I often find comfort of a connection in them. Here is the November one:
Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here...
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Beautiful on the inside?
Perhaps it's the full moon or just a off time for me but everyone around me seems to be getting to live the life I want. At work my co-worker is getting the opportunities I have been waiting for, hoping for and yet I sit on the side lines - invisible. No matter what I do or how much I say I'm here, I'm here...they just keep looking past me. In my personal life, everyone seems to be moving towards something or someone and here I sit.....waiting for something to come and it's like the parade keeps passing me by. I'm here, I'm here. Am I so invisible now that I can't even see myself? What is going on? And sweet martha above, if one more person asks me if the pretty girl is seeing anyone one more time I am going to lose it! What the hell?
What is beauty? Is it in the way a person looks? The God given flawless skin they were born with? The luck of the gentic pool they come from? True beauty is from the inside out. I've heard that a million times, but who really beleives it?
Carson Kressley and Tim Gunn both host shows that try to teach women that their true beauty lies within them. Interesting isn't it that these show are hosted by gay men for women? What do they know about the women folk that the women folk don't know about themselves? By society standards, beauty seems to be on the outside. What magazine or beauty contest idolizes a not so physically attractive person as a magazine cover girl or spokes model? Although I applaude the attempt to help women realize that true beauty lies within....who is going to teach that the general masses? If women become empowered enough to feel beautiful will that help change minds or sterotypes?
How many times have you seen someone walking around strutting their stuff and you can tell they are totally feeling like a rock star, even though in reality they probably aren't(by society's standards...not mine.) I say if you feel pretty - strut your bad self. I see it everyday at work...I understand that a nice pair of shoes can make you feel pretty but are there somethings that people shouldn't wear? Who gets to decide that? What is the definition of beauty?
I like to beleive their is a match for everyone out there in this big old universe....someone that completes you and makes you feel beautiful and special and perfect just the way you are - I need to beleive that, if I really truly think about it....I have to wonder if that really exists. Is there a ying for every yang?
All these thoughts are running through my head on the day before I perform my first marriage as an officiant. Maybe there is a tie in...no?
Who could ever learn to love the beast?
What is beauty? Is it in the way a person looks? The God given flawless skin they were born with? The luck of the gentic pool they come from? True beauty is from the inside out. I've heard that a million times, but who really beleives it?
Carson Kressley and Tim Gunn both host shows that try to teach women that their true beauty lies within them. Interesting isn't it that these show are hosted by gay men for women? What do they know about the women folk that the women folk don't know about themselves? By society standards, beauty seems to be on the outside. What magazine or beauty contest idolizes a not so physically attractive person as a magazine cover girl or spokes model? Although I applaude the attempt to help women realize that true beauty lies within....who is going to teach that the general masses? If women become empowered enough to feel beautiful will that help change minds or sterotypes?
How many times have you seen someone walking around strutting their stuff and you can tell they are totally feeling like a rock star, even though in reality they probably aren't(by society's standards...not mine.) I say if you feel pretty - strut your bad self. I see it everyday at work...I understand that a nice pair of shoes can make you feel pretty but are there somethings that people shouldn't wear? Who gets to decide that? What is the definition of beauty?
I like to beleive their is a match for everyone out there in this big old universe....someone that completes you and makes you feel beautiful and special and perfect just the way you are - I need to beleive that, if I really truly think about it....I have to wonder if that really exists. Is there a ying for every yang?
All these thoughts are running through my head on the day before I perform my first marriage as an officiant. Maybe there is a tie in...no?
Who could ever learn to love the beast?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Unexpressed thoughts?
Yesterday I heard this statement:
Some people are so honest when they talk to you....maybe honest isn't the right word, so open and forthright. They say things that I am not expecting to hear right out loud. Part of me is shocked and yet part of me wants to be more like that. To ask for what I want, to get what I want and to enjoy things without feeling guilty or like it's wrong....how can something so wrong feel so right?
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and he just blurted out some things that were along the lines of thoughts I have personally had but never dared to say out loud and yet there it was out loud and in public. I didn't really know how to process that information. It is okay to have unexpressed thoughts.
It's a full moon right now and I don't know what it is about a full moon that changes people's personalities. Obviously there is no water on the moon so how does something that has virtually no water effect us who are mostly water? The moons placement is the most important factor in shaping our innermost emotional needs/desires. It also indicates how we react and deal emotionally to stress and tension in our life, the fight or flight syndrome. The moon is symbolic of the Mother figure and the type of relationship we have with her - from a karmic point of point really. Some astrologers believe the moon or the way people react during a phase of the moon is an indication of the type of past lives we lived and thus leading to the lessons you have learned or not learned.
What if we haven't learned them? Are we destined to keep making the same mistakes over and over no matter what life we are in? Does the full moon make people say things out loud they normally don't say?
I thought only martini's did that.
It's okay to have an unexpressed thoughtIt was a comment made about Jessie Ventura, which fits perfectly, but there is a nugget of truth in that statement and fine advice for some of us. Yes I am including myself in this mix. Sometimes I find it really hard to hold my thoughts inside and sometimes it gets me in trouble. Maybe it's not so much the thought as possibly the tone or facial/body language that accompanies it? Maybe. Yet there are times I don't say what I really want to...I hold back. Is it out of fear of rejection? Maybe. What an interesting point to note. I don't have worries about saying what I am thinking or feeling if there is no risk to me, but if there is the chance I may be rejected or hurt I hold back, I keep it to myself.
Some people are so honest when they talk to you....maybe honest isn't the right word, so open and forthright. They say things that I am not expecting to hear right out loud. Part of me is shocked and yet part of me wants to be more like that. To ask for what I want, to get what I want and to enjoy things without feeling guilty or like it's wrong....how can something so wrong feel so right?
I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and he just blurted out some things that were along the lines of thoughts I have personally had but never dared to say out loud and yet there it was out loud and in public. I didn't really know how to process that information. It is okay to have unexpressed thoughts.
It's a full moon right now and I don't know what it is about a full moon that changes people's personalities. Obviously there is no water on the moon so how does something that has virtually no water effect us who are mostly water? The moons placement is the most important factor in shaping our innermost emotional needs/desires. It also indicates how we react and deal emotionally to stress and tension in our life, the fight or flight syndrome. The moon is symbolic of the Mother figure and the type of relationship we have with her - from a karmic point of point really. Some astrologers believe the moon or the way people react during a phase of the moon is an indication of the type of past lives we lived and thus leading to the lessons you have learned or not learned.
What if we haven't learned them? Are we destined to keep making the same mistakes over and over no matter what life we are in? Does the full moon make people say things out loud they normally don't say?
I thought only martini's did that.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Who are you?
Maybe the better question is "Who are you today?"
After fixing the presentation, breaking a nail, ordering lunch, setting meetings, getting documents collated, preparing food for 2 hours for Feed My Starving Children and fixing loose ends...who do you end up being at the end of all of this?
Who do you want to be?
Does a job really define you? Should a job define you?
I used to think you were successful if you carried a breifcase to work. I remember how excited I was when I started working in Corporate America. I thought - wow - I made it. How awesome I thought I was. Be careful what you wish for. I promptly got myself a breifcase and the only thing I ever had to carry in it was my lunch. Sigh.
What if your heart is not in it....is it enough for your head to be?
After fixing the presentation, breaking a nail, ordering lunch, setting meetings, getting documents collated, preparing food for 2 hours for Feed My Starving Children and fixing loose ends...who do you end up being at the end of all of this?
Who do you want to be?
Does a job really define you? Should a job define you?
I used to think you were successful if you carried a breifcase to work. I remember how excited I was when I started working in Corporate America. I thought - wow - I made it. How awesome I thought I was. Be careful what you wish for. I promptly got myself a breifcase and the only thing I ever had to carry in it was my lunch. Sigh.
What if your heart is not in it....is it enough for your head to be?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
What is truth?
Truth - something you make other people, or yourself, believe. The truth is something we often hide from others and ourself. I think our forefathers had something...we hold these truths to be self evident....or something like that. If we say something enough times it becomes our own truth. The methodology of the truth then becomes repetition. I am pretty, I am stupid, I am fearless. If we say it enough it becomes true, it becomes who we are and what we are. I was told once that we create pictures, snapshots in our head of the person or life we want and there is a big disconnect between what those pictures show us in our head and what our reality is. You have to learn to change the snapshots in your head to match reality outside your head.
That's so much easier said than done.
How do you change one's own truth? How do you learn to face the reality of what IS vs the reality of what you want or need it to be. I have been traveling down life's path towards an end result but the closer I get to the "end of this path" I am beginning to question if this is the right path. I know, all the books tell you that's normal, that's part of the process. That if we don't continue questioning ourselves on who or what we are we don't grow. Isn't there a time to accept and be content with who and what we are, with the life we have made for ourselves. Why do we always seem to want more....to want what we don't have.
Does the picture in my head match the reality? Do we ever stop questioning ourselves or do we even want to?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
That's so much easier said than done.
How do you change one's own truth? How do you learn to face the reality of what IS vs the reality of what you want or need it to be. I have been traveling down life's path towards an end result but the closer I get to the "end of this path" I am beginning to question if this is the right path. I know, all the books tell you that's normal, that's part of the process. That if we don't continue questioning ourselves on who or what we are we don't grow. Isn't there a time to accept and be content with who and what we are, with the life we have made for ourselves. Why do we always seem to want more....to want what we don't have.
Does the picture in my head match the reality? Do we ever stop questioning ourselves or do we even want to?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Monday, October 13, 2008
Don't invest in anger
In these turbulent times, investing in anything doesn't really seem like a good idea but investing in anger is really not a good idea.
I worked at the ET this weekend and you get to over hear snippets of conversation as people walk by the office..either talking to someone else or on their cell phones. I think that's why I like texing so much...it's a PRIVATE conversation...I can be out in the world but yet I can say what I want....it takes me much longer to say it...but I can say it and not share with everyone. Anyway, I hear snippets of conversation and apparently the market or the phases of the moon or the unusually warm October weather has made folks kinda angry. Lots of angered conversations were spit out as they passed the office. I actually started making a little tick sheet at one point because I thought maybe I was on a game show and I was going to have to answer the question - How many angry conversations did you overhear in a 4 hr period?
Man the world is an angry place. People are mad they at the weirdest things too. I was at the grocery store yesterday and this man was raging at the old man cooking up bacon (mmmm, sample day at the Cub) because the Cub was out of the pork chops that were on special. Like this old man cooking bacon samples for $4 an hour just to get out of his house has anything to do with the sold out pork chops. Angry. Why so angry over pork? I guess it was a good coupon, buy one get one free, but honestly...get some bacon.
Work has been....turbulent. That's the best way to describe it. Between the market, sales being down and everyone being overwork (um and I'll add underpaid) it's been hectic. My friend is convinced the market is going down in a blaze of glory today.....and frankly...I can't say I would be all that surprised. I could get all amped up and freaked out that the market is a mess, that my 401 is tanking, that the economy is going to hell in a hand basket but honestly.....what good would that do? Personally, I'm doing OK. I can afford my life. I can buy gas for my car, which incidentally is going down in price??, I can afford groceries (not the buy one get one free meat though) and I have some pretty nice friends to hang out and do stuff with so where's the downside? Maybe someone slipped something in my coffee but I don't feel as annoyed or scared or freaked out by all the madness surrounding me. I've become comfortable with my own madness. Oh, that's a good title for another blog.
I worked at the ET this weekend and you get to over hear snippets of conversation as people walk by the office..either talking to someone else or on their cell phones. I think that's why I like texing so much...it's a PRIVATE conversation...I can be out in the world but yet I can say what I want....it takes me much longer to say it...but I can say it and not share with everyone. Anyway, I hear snippets of conversation and apparently the market or the phases of the moon or the unusually warm October weather has made folks kinda angry. Lots of angered conversations were spit out as they passed the office. I actually started making a little tick sheet at one point because I thought maybe I was on a game show and I was going to have to answer the question - How many angry conversations did you overhear in a 4 hr period?
Man the world is an angry place. People are mad they at the weirdest things too. I was at the grocery store yesterday and this man was raging at the old man cooking up bacon (mmmm, sample day at the Cub) because the Cub was out of the pork chops that were on special. Like this old man cooking bacon samples for $4 an hour just to get out of his house has anything to do with the sold out pork chops. Angry. Why so angry over pork? I guess it was a good coupon, buy one get one free, but honestly...get some bacon.
Work has been....turbulent. That's the best way to describe it. Between the market, sales being down and everyone being overwork (um and I'll add underpaid) it's been hectic. My friend is convinced the market is going down in a blaze of glory today.....and frankly...I can't say I would be all that surprised. I could get all amped up and freaked out that the market is a mess, that my 401 is tanking, that the economy is going to hell in a hand basket but honestly.....what good would that do? Personally, I'm doing OK. I can afford my life. I can buy gas for my car, which incidentally is going down in price??, I can afford groceries (not the buy one get one free meat though) and I have some pretty nice friends to hang out and do stuff with so where's the downside? Maybe someone slipped something in my coffee but I don't feel as annoyed or scared or freaked out by all the madness surrounding me. I've become comfortable with my own madness. Oh, that's a good title for another blog.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Lazy Sunday
Today is the type of day I would normally relish laying around doing nothing with. I am feeling really lazy today but it's my weekend to work so I drug myself out of bed at 7am, took a shower and began my day. I always feel productive when I get alot of stuff done but today I don't feel productive.
I had dinner and went to a movie with friends last night and got home about 11:30pm which isn't all that late for me but for some reason I feel realllllly tired and lazy today. Probably because nothing is really happening at work, showed one apartment but overall no drama, nothing except sitting in this oven of an office. Saw Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. I enjoyed it more that I really thought I would. It looked amusing enough but I really liked the slow pace of the movie where nothing really major happened. What I was confused about was this row of hoodlums that attended the movie. They were these young, urban, hip hop dudes who looked like this would be the last place on a Saturday night they would be. They had their own agenda for the enitre movie and their own conversation going on the whole time. Normally it would have made me sort of insane but it kind of amused me. People are funny. Everytime you think you really know someone or think you do it changes in a heartbeat.
Here's hoping this lazy day is surprise free. Oh and FYI I now have 85 friends on Facebook. I'm only 15 away from my goal. Can't wait to meet it and make a new one!
I had dinner and went to a movie with friends last night and got home about 11:30pm which isn't all that late for me but for some reason I feel realllllly tired and lazy today. Probably because nothing is really happening at work, showed one apartment but overall no drama, nothing except sitting in this oven of an office. Saw Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. I enjoyed it more that I really thought I would. It looked amusing enough but I really liked the slow pace of the movie where nothing really major happened. What I was confused about was this row of hoodlums that attended the movie. They were these young, urban, hip hop dudes who looked like this would be the last place on a Saturday night they would be. They had their own agenda for the enitre movie and their own conversation going on the whole time. Normally it would have made me sort of insane but it kind of amused me. People are funny. Everytime you think you really know someone or think you do it changes in a heartbeat.
Here's hoping this lazy day is surprise free. Oh and FYI I now have 85 friends on Facebook. I'm only 15 away from my goal. Can't wait to meet it and make a new one!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Connections
In this day and age it's important to stay connected. There are lots of ways to do this but one has to find the way that works best for them. Me personally I like reading and writing - I'm totally digging Facebook...I'm sort of addicted to it actually! I love that I can stay totally connected with many people by looking at just one site. My goal is to have 100 friends by Christmas....I have 84 now! My goal is sooo close! What I really like about it is that I can stay connected to my friends and some of my family in little nuggets. People can post pictures and send you little notes that really help me feel connected to them. These are the things that I think people....well maybe it's just me....crave. Connections on all levels are what make things bearable.
There never seems to be enough time to do the things in a given day- work seems to get in the way. :) I think about all the things I could do if I didn't have to work....I really need to win the lottery.
The market has been nuts and thus creating a lot of chaos - these are some interesting times. I saw on the news yesterday they are labeling this time Black October 2008. I wonder if we are better able to deal with things if we label them. I know when I went with some friends for a girls weekend we labeled it.....we had a blast but had we not labeled it would it have been as fun? If we label things does it change them? I guess it comes down to the power of thought. You can think of it positively and it becomes a good thing....or negatively and it's a bad thing...Black October is definitely not a positive thought.
Life is like those paper chains I made as a kid, each one links to the other with a little paste and once you keep linking them you have enough to do something with them. You just have to create the links.
There never seems to be enough time to do the things in a given day- work seems to get in the way. :) I think about all the things I could do if I didn't have to work....I really need to win the lottery.
The market has been nuts and thus creating a lot of chaos - these are some interesting times. I saw on the news yesterday they are labeling this time Black October 2008. I wonder if we are better able to deal with things if we label them. I know when I went with some friends for a girls weekend we labeled it.....we had a blast but had we not labeled it would it have been as fun? If we label things does it change them? I guess it comes down to the power of thought. You can think of it positively and it becomes a good thing....or negatively and it's a bad thing...Black October is definitely not a positive thought.
Life is like those paper chains I made as a kid, each one links to the other with a little paste and once you keep linking them you have enough to do something with them. You just have to create the links.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Things I know for sure
I love Oprah. She is a God. I got her new magazine and I haven't had time to read it yet but one headline on her cover was WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE.
It made me start to think. What do I know for sure? I mean so much of life is the unknown. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or even if tomorrow will happen so I of course made a list. Here is what I know for sure right now:
It made me start to think. What do I know for sure? I mean so much of life is the unknown. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring or even if tomorrow will happen so I of course made a list. Here is what I know for sure right now:
- I know I'll never go back to being a blonde
- I won't ever have my own child
- I will never be old
- I want to be loved
- I want to travel
- I need to be needed
- I love to laugh
- I'll never be a size small
- I enjoy my friends
- I always want what I can't have
- I hate having to go to school
- I like being in charge
- I hate smokers
- I like the idea of a walk around the lake but not a power walk
- I want to spend more time alone and like it
- I want to cook
- I want to want to cook
- I enjoy singing (even though I suck at it)
- I don't think I'll own a pet
- I love having someone else cook for me
Okay, so I had a bit of time to browse the Oprah mag and she says, and I quote "we are the causes of our own effects". I believe this but I'm just not sure I know the true meaning of it.
We are the causes of our own effects....that's pretty powerful and really that puts the ball completely in our own court doesn't it. We get to choose the outcome really so I wonder why don't we make better choices for our own outcomes? Are we really our own worst enemies?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Lists
www.pedalpub.comWow...things never cease to amaze me. A pub that you pedal around the city in. AWESOME! I am amazed. Doesn't that look like amazing fun? Why am I not doing that right now? As I get older unfortunately I hear more and more about deaths or horrible illnesses that people I actually know suffer from. It has made me think more about my own life and things I really want to do. I want to do so much! Financially I realize it's not possible to do EVERYTHING I want but I can make a list. I'm pretty excited about it too. It makes me feel like I have a purpose...plus how exciting is it going to be to be able to cross things off my list! Actually, the more I think about it...I think I am going to go with a book...not a list....I have enough things I want to do and I am guessing my list will continue to grow.
I am actually actively working on a few of the items right now. How fun and inspiring that something good comes from something not so good.
I've said it before...dreams are powerful messages. I have been having alot of really weird dreams and lately they are CLEARLY sending me messages....the latest is I dreamed I was cutting off all my hair. I didn't have any feelings either way about it...I just cut it all off...right up to my noggin. Here's the analysis of what that means: To dream that you are cutting your hair suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits.
A loss in strength? I guess I can see or rather feel that at work and probably a bit in my own life. Feeling censored....I guess that is all part of it and because of all of this chaos - stupid market madness making my life a mess - I think I do have to think about things in a different way. Wow, aren't our dreams smart. It's amazing how much we know about ourselves without really knowing we know it. Know what I mean?
Good lord, I need some time away to just process things. Wow. I would love to spend a long weekend at a cabin on a lake someplace!!Wednesday, October 8, 2008
What's in a name?
I'm not sure if there is any more to this than people just being forgetful but how come people can't remember my name? I am worried that I am forgettable, boring, average and not at all memorable. I'd like to think I leave my mark whenever I can but lately it seems that no one can remember my name. In one night I was called a few different names even though I had a name plate in front of me and I corrected him each time...first it was Debi and I said you mean Dawn? Yes....yes...Dawn....and then 5 minutes later he calls me Pam. PAM!?
I don't think I'd care if it were some other situation and he couldn't remember my name like a dinner party where there was no name plate in front of me....but seriously...it was right there in front of me for all to see. To add to my paranoia of people not remembering me...I got an email from my school counselor telling me how many credits I had left and he called me JOE. First off my name is part of my email address and Joe isn't even a girls name! Wow! Am I so bland that I am unrememberable?
What makes us remember people? Is it a kind word? A good deed? How pretty they are? What causes us to remember someone? I realize the Universe sends us messages but what exactly is this one trying to tell me? If no one can remember my name what does that mean? Does the Universe have a sense of humor? Is it testing me to see my patience level or trying to slowly gaslight me? (Old movie reference...if you haven't see it check out Gas Light). In my most recent dream I was at the doctors and I was getting a shot over and over and over. I woke up feeling that in my arm...and my arm itched all day like I had actually gotten a shot. When I looked up the meaning it said: something hindered my ability to accomplish my goal.
Man our dreams really are something...but this confuses me even more. Who is hindering me and what is my goal. As always, there is some thinking to be done.
I heard this great song on the radio on my way home and I didn't get to hear who sings it...it starts out with some line about a person leaving pieces of themselves everywhere they go...I think it's new...I'm going to have to listen for it again but basically it was saying that we leave little pieces of who we are in places we have been. I guess that's true....but I have to wonder, will anyone remember?
I don't think I'd care if it were some other situation and he couldn't remember my name like a dinner party where there was no name plate in front of me....but seriously...it was right there in front of me for all to see. To add to my paranoia of people not remembering me...I got an email from my school counselor telling me how many credits I had left and he called me JOE. First off my name is part of my email address and Joe isn't even a girls name! Wow! Am I so bland that I am unrememberable?
What makes us remember people? Is it a kind word? A good deed? How pretty they are? What causes us to remember someone? I realize the Universe sends us messages but what exactly is this one trying to tell me? If no one can remember my name what does that mean? Does the Universe have a sense of humor? Is it testing me to see my patience level or trying to slowly gaslight me? (Old movie reference...if you haven't see it check out Gas Light). In my most recent dream I was at the doctors and I was getting a shot over and over and over. I woke up feeling that in my arm...and my arm itched all day like I had actually gotten a shot. When I looked up the meaning it said: something hindered my ability to accomplish my goal.
Man our dreams really are something...but this confuses me even more. Who is hindering me and what is my goal. As always, there is some thinking to be done.
I heard this great song on the radio on my way home and I didn't get to hear who sings it...it starts out with some line about a person leaving pieces of themselves everywhere they go...I think it's new...I'm going to have to listen for it again but basically it was saying that we leave little pieces of who we are in places we have been. I guess that's true....but I have to wonder, will anyone remember?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Recycled
Ever wake up feeling recycled.....like everything old is new again? Sometimes I wake up and I feel like I never even slept...that I never rested. Today is one of those days. I think because I woke up at 5:15 to Smoker Joe hacking up his lungs on his deck (as he does EVERY morning) after not sleeping well because the rain forced me to close my windows which in turn made my room hot then the wind began to howl whisteling through my window that I apparently didn't close enough. Then the alarm goes off. Ugh..it's morning. So yeah, I feel recycled, raw, crumpled and old. Not in a cool hey hip huggers are SOOOO back in kind of way.
On a bright note, it is the last class with this dreadful teacher....so there is the positive and it is customer service week so we get to wear jeans all week. Woo hoo - there....two positives. :)
As I was flossing my teeth this morning the dental floss kept sort of shredding on one tooth. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, I couldn't see a chip or anything in the tooth, which wouldn't have surprised me, but it turns out the floss was getting shredded on the little metal thing as I pulled it out. I immediately had this thought.....can they recycle dental floss? I mean what is it made of - string, floss....something that I imagine they can recycle....right? Then I started thinking about all the things that could be made from recycled things and for some reason the line from this movie I saw as a kid popped into my head "solient green is people!" It was this movie my dad made us watch and I don't remember the whole movie, just this one line where people realized the food they were eating was recycled people. I mean in effect we kinda recycle people now with organ transplants and such. Weird....I guess George Orwell (book reference - 1984) was sooooo ahead of his time. I wouldn't even mind a talking animal.....or living on a farm. Wait...am I confusing that with Charlotte's Web...no wait, probably with Animal Farm.....in anycase, George Orwell was ahead of his time.
I think because I had a busy weekend and less sleep than I average I'm off my game today. People talk to me but it's like nothing is sinking IN. At least it's not a Monday I guess. Perhaps I'll avoid work today and just Facebook all day! Ha! I found some more friends on Facebook and my goal of having 100 friends by Christmas might just happen. I have 82 friends and invites out to a few people....come on 100! Isn't it funny the things we set as goals for ourselves. We make setting goals conditions on our own happiness. If I lose 50 lbs I'll find someone to love me and then I'll be happy, if I grow my hair long I'll feel pretty, if I had a coach purses my life would be perfect....ahh...the good old what ifs.
What if we choose to be happy, loved and pretty right now...right as we are. Then what?
On a bright note, it is the last class with this dreadful teacher....so there is the positive and it is customer service week so we get to wear jeans all week. Woo hoo - there....two positives. :)
As I was flossing my teeth this morning the dental floss kept sort of shredding on one tooth. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, I couldn't see a chip or anything in the tooth, which wouldn't have surprised me, but it turns out the floss was getting shredded on the little metal thing as I pulled it out. I immediately had this thought.....can they recycle dental floss? I mean what is it made of - string, floss....something that I imagine they can recycle....right? Then I started thinking about all the things that could be made from recycled things and for some reason the line from this movie I saw as a kid popped into my head "solient green is people!" It was this movie my dad made us watch and I don't remember the whole movie, just this one line where people realized the food they were eating was recycled people. I mean in effect we kinda recycle people now with organ transplants and such. Weird....I guess George Orwell (book reference - 1984) was sooooo ahead of his time. I wouldn't even mind a talking animal.....or living on a farm. Wait...am I confusing that with Charlotte's Web...no wait, probably with Animal Farm.....in anycase, George Orwell was ahead of his time.
I think because I had a busy weekend and less sleep than I average I'm off my game today. People talk to me but it's like nothing is sinking IN. At least it's not a Monday I guess. Perhaps I'll avoid work today and just Facebook all day! Ha! I found some more friends on Facebook and my goal of having 100 friends by Christmas might just happen. I have 82 friends and invites out to a few people....come on 100! Isn't it funny the things we set as goals for ourselves. We make setting goals conditions on our own happiness. If I lose 50 lbs I'll find someone to love me and then I'll be happy, if I grow my hair long I'll feel pretty, if I had a coach purses my life would be perfect....ahh...the good old what ifs.
What if we choose to be happy, loved and pretty right now...right as we are. Then what?
Monday, October 6, 2008
Connections
People are starving for connections. We want to connect with others so bad that sometimes we don't really think about it we just plunge full throttle until we crash into them. I was reminded of this fact this weekend while I was at my admin meeting. Had a great time as I usually do and I really learned a lot from the seminar speakers. There was one speaker on developing better communications and she referenced how people are starved for connections. How that physical connection between people is needed for people to feel complete, connected and whole. She referenced the movie CRASH which was basically about people who have become so passive in their own lives that they were physically "crashing" into each other to feel something. It made me think how often we meander through life just going through the motions of day to day life and something big has to hit us on the head to make us snap out of it and realize what is happening. One of my favorite quotes is "Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick to get your attention." We all do it, we get through each day with a list or a purpose to get things done and we are so focused on the end result that we tend to overlook the journey along the way. One of the nice things about these conferences is I get to spend time with other admins but I also get to see people whom I really like and admire but don't get to see very often. I always leave feeling revitalized and recharged to take on my life again.
97% of our communication is non-verbal. I scoffed at this fact but then today, I started looking at people during meetings and conversations and boy....their non-verbals really tell a different story. I wonder if that is a learned behavior of if we just have to find something about a situation to divert our attention that we scowl, cross our arms, roll our eyes or just plain disengage. Are we taught this? As a child we look to our parents to tell us who we are. Look mommy I put my toys away...aren't I a good girl? But as we get older we have to figure that out for ourselves. We no longer want our parents to "define" us. We want to choose who we think we are or who we become. What part of yourself is real and what part have we let others create for us? It's like a butterfly coming to life. I see this in my nieces behavior toward the adults in their lives. They need/want less and less input from us and they are spreading their wings and growing. Thank God I am not a parent, I don't think I could stand by and watch that happen. It kills me now when I feel it from my nieces and nephews....I don't know that I could stand that as a parent.
What parts of ourselves can we change. Who among us has has the "perfect" childhood? What is real? I've always said you can out grow your parents....it isn't easy but it can be done. It's hard to look at ourselves and try to figure out what you can change...what parts are the real me and what parts are a muddle of what I let others define as me? Who am I really? Ahh if I had these answers I'd be rich - rich I tell you. But hearing these messages again help me feel more stable on my path. It may not be my final path or my last path but at least I feel like after a fun weekend of singing, dancing and learning, I am ready to stand steady and begin walking the path again. Connections...how easy they make our journey.
97% of our communication is non-verbal. I scoffed at this fact but then today, I started looking at people during meetings and conversations and boy....their non-verbals really tell a different story. I wonder if that is a learned behavior of if we just have to find something about a situation to divert our attention that we scowl, cross our arms, roll our eyes or just plain disengage. Are we taught this? As a child we look to our parents to tell us who we are. Look mommy I put my toys away...aren't I a good girl? But as we get older we have to figure that out for ourselves. We no longer want our parents to "define" us. We want to choose who we think we are or who we become. What part of yourself is real and what part have we let others create for us? It's like a butterfly coming to life. I see this in my nieces behavior toward the adults in their lives. They need/want less and less input from us and they are spreading their wings and growing. Thank God I am not a parent, I don't think I could stand by and watch that happen. It kills me now when I feel it from my nieces and nephews....I don't know that I could stand that as a parent.
What parts of ourselves can we change. Who among us has has the "perfect" childhood? What is real? I've always said you can out grow your parents....it isn't easy but it can be done. It's hard to look at ourselves and try to figure out what you can change...what parts are the real me and what parts are a muddle of what I let others define as me? Who am I really? Ahh if I had these answers I'd be rich - rich I tell you. But hearing these messages again help me feel more stable on my path. It may not be my final path or my last path but at least I feel like after a fun weekend of singing, dancing and learning, I am ready to stand steady and begin walking the path again. Connections...how easy they make our journey.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Sedated
I approve of being moderately sedated, you know, that feeling that you get when you are on the edge of stepping over into stupid drunkeness....but your inhibitions are no longer restricted, your guard is down and you are open to pretty much anything....that's the level I'd like to live at, well maybe just on the weekends.
Yesterday I was feeling out of sorts, I woke up feeling completely exhausted and wiped out, I felt like I hadn't slept in days. I took a nap after a swiq of nyquill, it gives me that sedated feeling I love and allows me to drift off to sleep. I thought as I drifted off to sleep how nice it would be if you could live life in that state...all the time just sort of happy, calm and floaty. I realize I probably could live in that state with some type of drug assistance but I want it naturally. After I awoke from my slumber, feeling all normal again, I watched a little mindless tv. I caught this show on The Learning Channel called 17 kids and counting. This family has 17 kids and another on the way. The woman, I don't recall her name, and her husband, Jim Bob....that name I do recall...have been married for 20 years and she has 17, no wait, she is preggers with #18 now, kids. JESUS GOD. What do they do to support those children? Why are we as a society rewarding this kind of crazyness? They have to drive their family around in a freaking bus....that costs like $500 to fill it up....the mom clearly doesn't work....they have some rental property but other than that I don't think he works...what the hell? They are so weird too....like errie creepy weird. All the kids names begin with the letter J too...mostly boys, good lord I say. I know people with 3 kids who freak out when they have to handle them alone - how the hell would one manage 17 of them. They are super close in age...like barely 9 months apart. What a odd odd world we live in when watching people pop kids out like tic tacs becomes entertainment.
Sedated....not a bad way to live.
Yesterday I was feeling out of sorts, I woke up feeling completely exhausted and wiped out, I felt like I hadn't slept in days. I took a nap after a swiq of nyquill, it gives me that sedated feeling I love and allows me to drift off to sleep. I thought as I drifted off to sleep how nice it would be if you could live life in that state...all the time just sort of happy, calm and floaty. I realize I probably could live in that state with some type of drug assistance but I want it naturally. After I awoke from my slumber, feeling all normal again, I watched a little mindless tv. I caught this show on The Learning Channel called 17 kids and counting. This family has 17 kids and another on the way. The woman, I don't recall her name, and her husband, Jim Bob....that name I do recall...have been married for 20 years and she has 17, no wait, she is preggers with #18 now, kids. JESUS GOD. What do they do to support those children? Why are we as a society rewarding this kind of crazyness? They have to drive their family around in a freaking bus....that costs like $500 to fill it up....the mom clearly doesn't work....they have some rental property but other than that I don't think he works...what the hell? They are so weird too....like errie creepy weird. All the kids names begin with the letter J too...mostly boys, good lord I say. I know people with 3 kids who freak out when they have to handle them alone - how the hell would one manage 17 of them. They are super close in age...like barely 9 months apart. What a odd odd world we live in when watching people pop kids out like tic tacs becomes entertainment.
Sedated....not a bad way to live.
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